Expired First Love: Section 2 - chapter 10

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If I got called in on the weekends, I went out as a helper. The overtime pay was substantial, and I was saving money, so within six months, I had managed to repay four people. I entrusted the money and letters to Uno, who sent them via registered mail. But none of them... none of them responded. Even though they knew they could reach me through Uno, I didn’t hear back from a single one of them.

To say I wasn’t disappointed would be a lie, but I couldn’t afford to dwell on it. I still had the larger debts owed to Takechi, Hinano, and Kagami. Paying off the 1 million yen I borrowed from Kagami would likely take more than another year.

I’d gotten used to cleaning filthy apartments, and I was now often responsible for estimates and taking part-timers out to job sites. Around this time, the boss, Tachibana, asked me again if I wanted to try working on the "special cleaning" side of things. The pay would be higher, but the thought of cleaning up after suicides, given what happened to my parents, made me hesitate. I left my answer pending.

It had been exactly a year since I moved into Uno’s place when I attended a farewell party. BC Corporation was opening a branch in Kanagawa, and three people from our current office were being transferred there. Because of my debts, I’d always declined invitations to drinking parties, explaining my reasons, but this time I made an exception since Komatsu, who I’d been working closely with, was one of those being transferred.

“The penniless debt king actually showed up!”

When I arrived at the izakaya, Komatsu hugged me in excitement. We all gathered and drank, enjoying ourselves. I was paying for my own drinks, and since it was all-you-can-drink, I quickly downed two mugs of beer. The alcohol soaked into me, and the lively atmosphere felt nostalgic. I realized how much I used to love these kinds of gatherings.

“Even though you’re drowning in debt, Murakami-san, you’re still cool,” said Kitajima, a university student who worked part-time with us. I couldn’t tell if it was a compliment or an insult.

“Stop repeating ‘debt’ over and over,” I scolded lightly. Komatsu, who usually wasn’t the type to pry, then asked, “So, how much debt do you have left?”

“About half. If I keep working hard for another year, I should be able to pay it off completely.”

Komatsu let out a loud cheer, pulling my head in for a rough rub.

“You’re doing great, man. You even show up on weekends when there’s an emergency. You work like crazy.”

His praise made me feel good, even though I knew I was only making up for how low I’d sunk.

“Murakami-san, you always wear the same clothes because you’re broke, huh?” Kitajima said innocently, but Tachibana reacted.

“Even if he wears the same clothes, Murakami’s a handsome guy. Plus, he’s an F University graduate, an F University graduate!”

Though years had passed since graduation, F University was still ranked higher than Kitajima’s H University. Kitajima groaned, “Why’s someone like you working here?”

“What do you mean ‘here’?” Tachibana scolded, smacking Kitajima on the head without mercy.

“I think it was when Murakami first started working part-time with us,” Tachibana reminisced. “It was unusual, but Shima told me, ‘We should keep this guy, even if it means making some compromises.’ I wasn’t sure if a good-looking, highly educated guy like him would stick around, but he’s proven himself. He’s a valuable asset to the company now.”

Shima couldn’t make it to the party tonight because of other obligations. Since I rarely had the chance to work with Shima, who specialized in special cleaning, hearing that he had seen potential in me made me feel good.

The farewell party wasn’t exactly brimming with women—only the receptionist and Tachibana’s wife were there, both older ladies—but I had a good time. We wrapped up the party before nine, and though I felt a bit reluctant, I decided to skip the second round.

I walked alone toward the station, the cool night breeze a welcome contrast to my slightly tipsy state. My phone started ringing. It was a number I didn’t recognize. Since the phone was provided by the company, I couldn’t use it for personal calls. The only person who knew this number for private reasons was Uno, but it wasn’t him.

It could be a client from a previous job. We had a few repeat customers who called us whenever their place got messy again.

“Yes, this is Murakami from BC Corporation,” I answered.

There was a brief pause before a voice on the other end said, “Murakami?”

“Yes, this is Murakami.”

“It’s Kagami.”

My heart skipped a beat. The last time I saw Kagami’s face was three... no, four years ago? He had come to my apartment several times, and each time I had yelled at him to leave.

“How’ve you been?”

I swallowed hard before replying, “I’m fine.”

“I saw you at the izakaya. You were with some coworkers, right? I’m at R Cafe in front of the station. Could you...”

I clenched my left hand into a fist.

“Kagami, I... I’m sorry... I—”

“Can you come now?”

I hesitated, then replied, “I’ll be right there,” and hung up. But fear gripped me. I was terrified of facing him. Takeda’s cold reactions and the indifference of the friends I had repaid so far weighed heavily on my mind, making my steps feel leaden.

No matter what kind of reproach I received, it was justified. No, I deserved to be thoroughly scolded. When I reached the station, I quickly spotted R Cafe, with its familiar orange sign that was easy to find even in a crowded area.

Kagami was sitting by the window, so I saw him right away. It didn’t feel right to just sit there without ordering something, so I bought the cheapest thing on the menu, a short cup of the daily special blend for ¥130.

My hands were trembling as I held the coffee cup, and Kagami’s face was as stiff as dried paint.

“Long time no see.”

He raised his right hand, his voice matching the one I had just heard on the phone.

“Yeah.”

I sat down across from him, nearly knocking over my cup in my nervousness, and felt my chest tighten. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t meet Kagami’s gaze. I needed to apologize. For lying to him to borrow money for pachinko, for yelling at him when he came to my place... I needed to apologize quickly...

“So, what kind of work are you doing now?” Kagami asked, almost nonchalantly.

“I-I work for a cleaning company.”

“Cleaning? Like those companies that offer discounts for cleaning two air conditioners at once, the ones you see on TV commercials?”

“No, not like that. We specialize in special cleaning, like filthy apartments, organizing belongings after someone has passed away, or cleaning up after accidents... stuff like that.”

Kagami seemed surprised and gave a brief nod. “Huh, I see.”

"I've been a contract employee up until now, but starting next month, I'll be a full-time employee. My salary will go up a little bit. Right now, I'm repaying the money I borrowed from friends, one by one... but it might still be a while before I can repay you. I'm really sorry."

I placed both hands on the table and quickly bowed my head. The silence that followed felt excruciatingly long.

"I'll be looking forward to it," Kagami finally said. It didn’t sound sarcastic. When I looked up, Kagami was smiling.

"I’ve heard from others that you’ve been repaying your debts. It sounds like you’re paying off the smaller ones first. So, I guess that makes me the grand finale, huh?"

I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes, feeling both pathetic and deeply sorry.

"Just recently, I was talking with Takechi. He said he regretted being harsh with you when you met. He wondered if he had thrown cold water on someone who was finally trying to move forward."

My chest tightened painfully.

"You’re still staying with Uno, right?"

I nodded.

"He’s been helping me out a lot."

"Uno told me you’re splitting the rent and food expenses, and that it’s made it easier for him to save money. I got your phone number from Uno too. He said he doesn’t call unless it’s an emergency, so I was hesitant at first. But I figured it wouldn’t cost you anything if I was the one calling, so I thought it’d be okay."

Everyone was being considerate of me. I wanted to say "thank you" and "I’m sorry" over and over.

"I got married last year. I’m sorry I couldn’t invite you."

"Don’t worry about it. I would’ve been too broke to attend anyway, and that would’ve been embarrassing."

Kagami let out a sigh that sounded like a laugh and looked down.

"Uno told me you’re doing fine now, but honestly, I was a bit scared. The last time I saw you, I went to your place, and you shouted at me to get lost. I really thought you might kill me if I made you any angrier. But when I saw you by chance at the bar today, you seemed to have lost that rough edge, and you were smiling like you did back in university. It made me want to talk to you."

Warmth spread through my chest, and I felt like crying.

"You’ve been through a lot, I’m sure, but I’m really glad to see you back to normal. You were my closest friend in university, and I was worried about you."

Then, Kagami added, "Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever see that money again, so if you’re going to repay me, I’m just lucky."

"I can’t add any interest, though."

"Uno told me you’re saving every penny just to repay your debts. That you even buy your clothes second-hand and spend all your money on food and debt repayment. At the drinking party earlier, everyone was calling you ‘poor’ and ‘the debt king,’ and it made me laugh. If I charged you interest on top of that, I’d be a total jerk. Besides, since I’m your last creditor, and you owe me the most, there’s no rush. Take your time, even if it takes years. Don’t push yourself."

Tears welled up and spilled over. I covered my mouth and looked down, unable to stop the flood of tears. I felt pathetic, ashamed... but at the same time, I was deeply touched by his kindness. Despite everything I had done, he was willing to forgive me, and that made me so happy.

When I finally managed to calm down and look up, Kagami was also crying, his face twisted with emotion. Seeing him like that made my tears flow even more.

"You’re seeing someone now, right?" he asked, catching me off guard. Did Uno tell him about us?

"Uh... yeah," I replied.

"I heard from Miku that Hinano said she saw you. She told Miku that she left you because she was scared and couldn’t trust you, but... she ended up crying, saying she still loved you."

Kagami continued, "I always thought you and Hinano would get married. You two were so well-matched. But a lot has happened. Hinano’s married now, with a child, and you’ve found someone new. I guess there’s no changing things like this."

After talking for a while longer, Kagami and I parted ways, and I got on the train. Before we said goodbye, Kagami had given me a thumbs-up and said, "When you repay me, don’t send it by registered mail. I’d like you to hand it to me in person. Even if it’s in installments. Give me a call when you’re ready."

It was past eleven when I finally got back to the apartment. When I opened the door, I saw the light from the living room faintly illuminating the dark hallway.

Uno was watching the news in the living room.

"Welcome back. You’re home late."

The urge to talk to him came rushing up inside me.

"I left the farewell party after the first round, but I ran into Kagami on the way home."

"Really?" Uno looked surprised.

"A couple of hours ago, Kagami asked me for your contact info..."

"He was at the same bar. After I left, he called me, and we ended up talking for a while."

"I’m glad," Uno whispered. "He told me he regretted not inviting you to his wedding."

"That guy’s a fool. Who would invite someone who’s caused so much trouble with their debts? I wouldn’t have gone either. He’s too damn considerate for his own good..."

Tears spilled over again. I couldn’t stop crying today, no matter what.

"It’s really good, isn’t it?" Uno said as I hugged him tightly, whispering "thank you" into his ear over and over. He looked up at me with teary eyes, the kind of look that seemed to ask for a kiss. I wasn’t in the mood, but I kissed him anyway. I wanted to give something back to this kind man.

As we kissed, Uno’s body grew warmer, and soon I found myself unable to pull away. We moved to the bedroom and tumbled into bed, stripping off each other’s clothes and making love like animals. After spending a year together, I knew exactly what made Uno feel good, the spots that aroused him most.

I got caught up in the moment, but after I climaxed, the passion faded as quickly as it had come. It felt like any other bodily function, like something I just needed to get out of the way. When I finished, the body I had been holding no longer held any allure. Uno, who always took a long time to finish, made me impatient, and I found myself wishing he would just hurry up and climax.

Finally, Uno came, and I wiped him clean, relieved that my “duty” was done. I turned to lie on my side in the narrow bed, and Uno snuggled up to me. I could feel the warmth of his body against my back, and then his arm wrapped around me in a tight embrace.

That warmth made me uneasy. I could feel Uno’s love for me, and it made me feel guilty. I liked him, but I couldn’t love him, and that made me feel ashamed.

Is this relationship even right? For me, sex with Uno had become nothing more than an outlet, a way to fulfill an obligation. It let me forget everything for a while, but as soon as it was over, the regret would set in.

Even after satisfying my physical needs, there was no sense of fulfillment, no happiness. When I had slept with Hinano, I never wanted to let go afterward. I never found myself wishing she would hurry up and finish. …I felt like a terrible person.

Uno was kind. So very kind. And he didn’t ask for anything in return except my love. But I couldn’t give that to him. I could pretend, act like I cared, but my heart wouldn’t follow.

Was I betraying him? I didn’t want to hurt this gentle, sincere man. But if I kept up this relationship, wouldn’t I just continue to betray him with my inability to love him?

I didn’t want to hurt Uno. I wanted to do whatever I could for him. But what was the right thing to do? As I stared at the arm wrapped around my waist, I found myself thinking seriously about the future of our relationship.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The reunion with Kagami prompted Murakami to start thinking about living on his own. If he stayed close by, he would endlessly rely on Uno, becoming dependent on him. Once he realized that Uno wanted him around, he wouldn't be able to avoid continuing their physical relationship. So, Murakami decided that it would be better to forcibly create some distance between them.

Not long ago, the thought of leaving the only man he could cling to was terrifying. However, upon further reflection, he realized that living separately wouldn't mean the end of their relationship. If he wanted to see Uno, he could always visit. Murakami used to think that Uno was the only one who could save him and that no one else was by his side. But when he calmly looked around, he noticed that he had understanding superiors and colleagues at work. He had even managed to mend his relationship with Kagami. Murakami was no longer alone. He had become a full-time employee and had a steady income. He hadn’t played pachinko in over a year and didn’t even feel the urge to do so. He had emerged from the depths of despair and felt confident that he could handle life on his own.

Since he didn't have much money, he had been staying at a friend's house, but he knew he couldn't impose on them forever. So, he talked to Tachibana about wanting to live on his own. Tachibana introduced him to a real estate agent he knew. Although it was tough to find something within his budget, which was at or below what he was currently paying in rent, the agent found a cheap apartment for 35,000 yen a month. The apartment had an indoor kitchen, a shared toilet, and no bath, but since he could shower at his office after work, it wasn't a problem. The room was a simple small space without a closet, but it was enough for sleeping and living. Compared to the days when he was homeless and sleeping outside, it felt like a palace.

Tachibana agreed to be his guarantor, and Murakami decided to move in the day after Uno's birthday. He had promised Uno the previous year that they would celebrate his birthday lavishly the next time.

When Murakami asked what Uno wanted for his birthday, Uno hesitated to say. Murakami knew that Uno was being considerate of his ongoing debt repayment. With no other choice, Murakami decided to choose a gift himself. Wearing the least faded clothes he owned, he visited several department stores and select shops before finally settling on a bright yellow-green pass case. He liked the small, embossed frog on the corner.

On Uno’s birthday, Murakami didn’t have enough money to take him out for dinner, so he splurged on some expensive meat and made steak for dinner. Uno came home around seven o'clock and, knowing they were having meat for dinner, brought wine.

The steak was so delicious that it made Murakami involuntarily let out a “Mmm!” It paired perfectly with the wine. Uno, who usually ate slowly, was finishing the meat on his plate unusually fast, which made Murakami chuckle. It was clear from his actions that Uno wasn’t lying when he said it was delicious.

Uno seemed surprised by the gift, not expecting one, but he was very happy with the pass case.

"It's so beautiful. I feel like it's too nice to use."

When Uno said that, Murakami made him take out his old pass case and swap it out in front of him. He wanted Uno to use it, not just store it away.

No matter how old you get, it’s always nice to have someone celebrate your birthday. This year, not only did Uno wish him a happy birthday, but people at work also said, “Happy birthday,” and “Welcome to your thirties.” He remembered that Uno had given him new sneakers for his birthday. His old ones were worn out, and he had been thinking of buying used ones. Uno was always paying attention to him.

The two of them finished off a bottle of wine. It wasn’t a lot, but Uno’s cheeks were slightly flushed, suggesting he was a bit tipsy. He was laughing more than usual and seemed to be in a great mood. Watching Uno like that made Murakami happy.

Last year, Uno’s birthday had been the worst. Without any warning, Uno had suddenly told him to leave. Murakami had left but then returned, driven by his desire to stay with Uno, who had expressed his feelings for him. It had been a year since then. Now, Murakami had decided to leave on his own terms.

Uno approached him with a smile.

“Thank you, Murakami.”

It was yet another expression of gratitude. Murakami naturally reached out and touched Uno’s hair. Like a cat purring, Uno closed his eyes.

“You know, you seem like you were born in June.”

“I... don’t get what you mean.”

“I mean, you have this water or grass vibe about you. That’s why I chose the yellow-green pass case with the frog.”

“I really don’t understand.”

Murakami felt frustrated that he couldn’t convey his feelings and gave up. “Never mind,” he said, and Uno laughed softly.

“It’s a bit late to say this, but I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. If it weren’t for you, I don’t think I could have gotten back on my feet.”

Uno pointed at Murakami.

“I think it was just timing.”

“Timing?”

“Even if it hadn’t been then, I think you would have eventually managed to get back on track. It just so happened that I was nearby at that time.”

Murakami couldn’t tell if Uno was being modest or serious.

“You could at least say that you’re the one who helped me get back on my feet.”

“I can’t say that. I didn’t do anything.”

“But at first, you put up with how much I stank, didn’t you?”

Uno clapped his hands, remembering. “That’s right. But I think I even liked you when you were like an old rag.”

“You have strange tastes.”

Murakami jokingly tapped Uno lightly on the temple, but Uno smiled happily.

“Thanks to your support, I’ve been able to keep working, and I even became a full-time employee. My income is stable now, and I don’t want to keep relying on you, so I’ve decided to move out.”

Uno’s face, which had been full of joy, suddenly turned serious, as if waking from a dream.

“...Move out…? What do you mean?”

His voice trembled.

“It’s not that I don’t like being here. On the contrary, it’s so comfortable that it’s not good for me. You’re too kind, and I end up depending on you. The company president helped me find a cheap place. I’m planning to move tomorrow.”

Uno covered his mouth and hunched over, looking like he was about to cry, which made Murakami panic.

“When did you decide on this place?”

Uno’s voice was heavy.

“About three weeks ago, I think. But I’ve been thinking for a while that I needed to become independent.”

“...You decided that long ago and only told me today...?”

Feeling like he was being blamed, Murakami added, “I thought it would be better to tell you after your birthday.”

“It’s not like our relationship will change just because we’re living apart. It’s only a fifteen-minute train ride away, so it’s not far. We can see each other anytime we want.”

Uno remained silent, his head down. Murakami wanted to make sure Uno understood that he wasn’t leaving because he hated him, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

Uno’s shoulders shook slightly before he looked up.

“I was just surprised that you suddenly said you were moving out.”

His face showed no signs of crying or anger.

“If you want to live alone, then go ahead. You have a job and an income. You're free to live wherever you want and do whatever you like.”

Murakami suddenly felt a sense of distance, as if he were being pushed away. Even though he was the one leaving, he felt a pang of loneliness.

“Are you angry?” Murakami asked.

Uno shook his head. “I’m just surprised. I’m not angry… If this is what you’ve chosen, I’ll support you.”

Murakami instinctively pulled Uno into an embrace.

“Even if I move out, I’ll come to see you whenever I want to.”

Uno nodded, “Yeah.”

“Really, really, thank you for everything up until now.”

Uno wrapped his arms around Murakami’s back and hugged him tightly, murmuring, “You don’t have to thank me anymore.”

“It sounds too much like a final goodbye.”

Murakami hadn’t intended it that way, but Uno’s words unsettled him.

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