Expired First Love: Section 2 - chapter 7

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I thought it was early dawn because it was so dark, but it had rained during the night, and it was already past 10 a.m. I was surprised. Uno was still asleep beside me.

The small bed was cramped for two men. Our bodies were always touching somewhere. Since I learned that Uno liked me, I had stopped sleeping on the sofa in the living room.

I wasn’t sure if it was me or Uno, but the blanket had been kicked down to the foot of the bed. We had fallen asleep together, so both of us were naked. I had met a junior from work yesterday. He had been a bit cold to me. Feeling lonely and wanting comfort, I had invited Uno over. Although I was definitely excited last night, by morning, it felt like the magic had worn off, and I was no longer attracted to the man sleeping beside me. He had fair skin, and I thought his body was beautiful. But there was no soft chest. Uno was a man, and although I knew that when we started this relationship, I found myself searching for something that wasn’t there and felt disgusted with myself.

Uno murmured and shifted slightly. Then, he wriggled his shoulders and snuggled closer, wrapping his arms around my stomach. In the beginning, Uno often said "no" when I made advances. But since he knew he would feel good once we started, I would open him up a bit forcefully. Eventually, Uno stopped saying "no" and began responding to my touch more openly.

Thinking he was like a cat, I touched his shoulder lightly. Uno’s eyelids fluttered, and then his eyes slowly opened. His sleepy gaze settled on me. The sweet atmosphere made me uncomfortable, so I pinched his nose and said, "You snore like crazy."

Suddenly, Uno’s face turned bright red all the way to his ears. His expression twisted, and the hand wrapped around my stomach began to tremble.

"S-sorry..."

His voice was barely audible. I immediately realized my joke had gone too far. It was meant to be a playful tease, but he took it seriously.

"It was just a joke. Don’t take it to heart. You’re so gullible."

I gently patted Uno’s head, which was now buried in the sheets out of embarrassment.

"Uno-kun, don’t sulk."

"...I’m not sulking."

"Then show me your face."

Despite his words, Uno remained silent. I tickled his pale side, and he kicked and squirmed on the bed, shouting, "Stop, stop!" We both ended up tangled together, rolling off the bed.

Out of breath, Uno lay on top of me, exhaling heavily. He had a unique sweet scent, different from soap or shampoo.

"Messing around like this... in the morning..."

Uno looked down at me with a reproachful gaze. His eyes gradually became more affectionate and glossy, as if inviting a kiss. In the back of my mind, I calmly analyzed the situation, but honestly, I wasn’t in the mood.

"Uno-kun, you’re heavy."

Startled, the man on my stomach quickly jumped off. I pulled him back into an embrace, giving him a light nuzzle on the cheek as a form of apology before saying, "I’ll make us some breakfast." I then put on my pants.

I wore an old, worn-out T-shirt over my jeans and went to the kitchen. I made French toast with the remaining bread and eggs, adding some lettuce on the side. Uno, who had washed his face, entered the living room.

We didn’t turn on the TV. It was only after living together for a while that I realized Uno rarely watched anything other than the news. Uno worked a regular job with weekends off. I adjusted my part-time job to match his schedule—9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on weekdays, with weekends off. ...It was because I didn’t want to be alone.

After being kicked out of the apartment and becoming homeless, I became even more indifferent to everything. There were times when I thought, "I want to live a normal life," but once you fall into this state, it’s not easy to climb back out. Even when I tried to save money, I would end up spending it on pachinko. And none of the other homeless people around me ever reproached me for it.

These were people who couldn't adapt to society—gentle souls who had been cast aside. But unlike the homeless around me, I wasn’t that old, nor was I physically disabled.

"You're young, man," an over-seventy homeless man with missing teeth and bad legs said with a laugh. ...I could work, but I didn’t. I was fully aware that I was at the bottom of the social ladder, rotting away, but even when I felt a sudden desire to die, I could forget everything while playing pachinko.

The day before Uno took me in, I went to a hanami party. It was hosted by a hostess I had relied on for a while who used to work at a bar. I used to love hanami. I loved it so much, yet even though the flowers hadn’t changed, it felt like only my heart had lost its color, and I no longer felt anything. Somehow, I thought, "Is this how people die?" as I drank myself into a stupor. When I woke up, I found myself in a clean room.

At first, I didn’t know where I was, but a note left behind explained that Uno had found me and let me stay at his apartment. Uno had been a quiet, unremarkable member of our university camping club. I had never heard of him cutting loose, and there was always a sense of reassurance that things would work out if he was around.

Come to think of it, I had never borrowed money from him. After graduating from university, I had completely forgotten about the existence of this air-like man.

Taking advantage of Uno’s quiet nature, I began squatting in his apartment. I stole money from acquaintances under the pretense of borrowing it. Hinano had left me. Even Kagami, my friend, had given up on me. So, I didn’t care what this friend, whom I hadn’t seen in years, thought of me.

...After the meal, Uno washed the dishes. We had somehow fallen into these roles. I sat on the sofa, flipping through a job-hunting magazine I had bought. After being coldly treated by Takechi, I felt an increasing urgency to find a job where I could earn money. I thought I had moved past that period where I made myself sick, and become somewhat normal again, but that was just my opinion. To Takechi, as long as I didn’t pay him back, I was still the same Takahito Murakami who was addicted to pachinko.

How could I free myself from this situation? The only way was to settle my past. Even if I couldn’t become a full-time employee, I wanted a higher-paying day job. As things stood, my monthly part-time income was about 150,000 yen. Since starting the part-time job, I had been handing over half of the rent and food expenses to Uno. He said I didn’t have to, but I insisted. Even with strict budgeting, the amount of money left over was minimal. At this rate, it would take me years to pay back my debt.

Uno brought me a cup of coffee, and I thanked him with a "Thanks" before taking a sip. I had a feeling he was staring at me, so I looked up. Sure enough, our eyes met.

"What is it?" I asked with a smile. "Are you staring because I’m so handsome?"

Uno blushed deeply and looked down. My jokes never really landed, and he never got used to them. He rubbed his flushed face roughly.

"...What kind of movies do you usually watch?" he suddenly asked, without any preamble.

"I haven’t seen one in years, but I’d say I like action movies."

Uno nodded slightly, saying, "I see." From his reaction, I realized that I had probably missed what Uno was getting at.

"Why do you ask about movies?"

"Well, um..." Uno hesitated.

"Come on, just say it," I urged him gently.

Finally, he stammered, "I got some movie tickets from a client... I thought maybe we could go together since I have two. But it’s raining today, and you seem busy, and the movie is a romance..."

I started to understand. Uno wanted to invite me to the movies. I wasn’t particularly eager to see a romance film, but I didn’t have a reason to refuse his invitation either.

"If they’re complimentary tickets, it’s free, right? So, let’s go now."

Uno quickly looked up, surprised.

"Oh, but..."

"I’ve got nothing better to do. I haven’t been to the theater in a while, and I’d like to see something on the big screen."

Uno’s face lit up with a joyful smile, and he nodded. The next screening was in an hour, so we hurried out of the apartment. I bought a train ticket for the first time in a long while, and Uno pulled out a darkened, brown pass case that had gone beyond amber and passed through the ticket gate.

We arrived at the theater ten minutes before the movie started. When we entered screen-room number five, it was about thirty percent full, mostly with couples and groups of women, as you’d expect for a romance movie.

We sat in our assigned seats. Uno fidgeted, looking around nervously, and suddenly apologized.

"We’re the only guys here together... Sorry."

"Don’t worry about it."

I reassured him, but I couldn’t deny that I had noticed we were the only male pair. Even if I thought that going to a romance movie with another guy was embarrassing, I knew better than to say it out loud. Still, I found myself hoping the theater would darken soon.

The movie started. The protagonist was a rich, selfish woman who toyed with various men, only to be deceived by one of them and lose her house, ending up penniless. In the midst of this, she realized which of the men she had toyed with truly loved her. It was a typical story. The movie had beautiful scenery, and even though the rich woman was selfish and free-spirited, she was charming and hard to hate.

At the end, when the man she truly loved died, I found myself unexpectedly moved to tears. I quickly wiped them away with my fingers and glanced over at Uno, who was staring at the screen expressionlessly.

After leaving the theater, we went to a fast-food place, where we discussed our impressions over cheap coffee like students. Uno said, "It was good," with a satisfied expression. The gap between his blank face and his words didn’t quite add up for me.

"Hey, do you ever cry at movies?"

Uno put his coffee down on the table and tilted his head.

"Now that I think about it, I’ve never cried at a movie. Even if I’m really moved, I guess part of me always thinks, ‘This isn’t real.’"

"I cried my eyes out."

"Really? At that movie?"

He seemed surprised, and I felt a little hurt.

"I’m sensitive, you know. And besides, there were people around us sniffling and crying too."

Uno muttered, "I guess you’re right." When we left the store, the rain had already stopped, and only a few wisps of clouds remained in the blue sky. The train fare and coffee had been small expenses, but they were the first I had made in a while. Even though it would take about an hour to walk back to the apartment, I decided to walk to save money. I was worried Uno might offer to pay for the return fare, so I lied and said, "I need some exercise, so I’ll walk back."

Uno stared at me and then said, "Well, I’ll walk too," putting his pass case back in his pocket.

"You don’t have to match my pace."

Uno smiled slightly and replied, "I need the exercise too."

We walked slowly along the wet sidewalk, which still had puddles here and there, not talking much.

"That way’s a shortcut," he said.

Uno pointed to a path along the riverbank. While the road along the street was shaded by buildings, the riverbank offered no such relief from the sun. It looked hot, but I chose the shortcut since there was no reason to oppose it. Although it was evening and the sun had weakened, the humidity remained stifling. Sweat stains appeared on the back of Uno’s shirt, and I caught a faint whiff of perspiration.

When I first crashed at Uno’s place after becoming homeless, I was filthy and stank. I was aware of it, and I could tell that Uno was bothered, but I never asked to use the bath. I didn’t have a change of clothes, and I didn’t care what he thought of me.

Even so, when Uno unexpectedly returned from work and caught me stealing cash from his desk, I was so ashamed that I bolted from the apartment. The shame that I had forgotten suddenly surged back, making it hard to breathe. If he was going to call the police, he could go ahead. At this point, having a criminal record wouldn’t make much difference. I pretended to be nonchalant, but deep down, I was trembling as I returned to the apartment. Yet, Uno didn’t say a word.

Taking advantage of his silence, I shamelessly continued stealing money. When I took the last bill, I thought, "If I take this, I’ll probably have to leave." It was strange that I hadn’t been kicked out already. Why doesn’t Uno say anything? Why does he let me steal from him? There’s no benefit in letting someone take your money. So why…?

The phrase "accept those who come and do not chase those who leave" passed through my mind. My parents, my lover, my friends—all of them were gone. I had nothing left. Uno didn’t turn me away. So as long as I didn’t leave, could I stay here? But if I stole a large sum, where would that leave Uno?

Could it be that even someone as terrible as me was still… okay in his eyes? Did he still believe I could turn my life around? I really wanted to change. I wanted to escape this miserable existence. I wanted to work, eat, and live a normal life.

"I… I want to be normal," I blurted out. Tears welled up and overflowed. I wanted to be normal. I didn’t want to die. I was tired of this life. Help me… help me, Uno.

I wanted to be normal, so I quit pachinko. It was the first time I had stopped going for any reason other than having no money. The withdrawal made me irritable, and I scratched at my hair. Even in my dreams, the background music of my favorite machines played, and I’d be glued to the screen… until I woke up, feeling so hopeless I could vomit.

I fought hard to resist the urge to go. If I went, it would be the end for me. There’s no one like Uno, who silently turns the other cheek after being slapped. No one, absolutely no one. I endured, and slowly, a semblance of normal life began to return.

Uno saved me. And when I realized that this god-like man had feelings for me, I was surprised, but I didn’t find it repulsive. Instead, knowing why he hadn’t rejected me made sense.

If Uno had feelings for me, I wanted to reciprocate. There was nothing else I could give him. And if we were connected by love, he wouldn’t tell me to leave the apartment.

I cared deeply for Uno. I could devote myself to him, and if he loved me, I could sleep with him. But if you asked me whether that was genuine love… I wouldn’t be able to answer.

The feelings I had for Hinano, whom I had dated since college, were different from those I had for Uno. I had experienced passionate love, and that didn’t apply to Uno. Even though I cared about him and slept with him, there was no surge of emotion that could be called love. I wished I could genuinely fall in love with Uno, but love isn’t something you can force.

"Am I insensitive and unfeeling?"

As we walked, Uno suddenly muttered.

"What’s up with that?"

"I didn’t cry during the movie earlier. I was surprised when you said you did, but maybe I’m the strange one for not crying."

"Is that what you’ve been thinking about this whole time?"

"It just crossed my mind."

He didn’t deny it.

"Crying or not crying—it doesn’t matter. The point is whether you enjoyed the movie or not."

"Yeah, I guess you’re right," Uno said, looking slightly relieved. He then raised his chin and murmured, "The wind."

"It’s a bit cooler now."

The sun was setting, and a breeze rustled the reeds along the riverbank.

"At the end of August, there’s a fireworks display… You can see it pretty well from around here," Uno said, turning back to look at me. I nodded, "I see." He stared at me for a moment longer before forcing a smile and looking ahead again.

That strange expression stuck with me. I wondered what it meant, and by the time we got back to the apartment, I realized. When he mentioned the fireworks, I should have said, "Let’s watch them together."

If that’s what he wanted, he could have asked me directly. Like with the movie this morning, Uno tends to be roundabout. It felt awkward to bring it up now, so I decided to remember it and wait for another chance to talk about it.

As soon as we entered the apartment, Uno turned on the air conditioner and sat on the sofa, fanning himself with his shirt.

"I had fun," Uno said softly. His face was slightly flushed, and there was a gentle smile on his lips.

"You can take a bath first. I’ll make something to eat while you’re in there," I said as I put on an apron. Uno got up from the sofa energetically and disappeared into the bathroom.

As I rummaged through the fridge, I replayed Uno’s words in my mind. The movie was fun, and the conversation was enjoyable too. But for me, it was just part of an ordinary day, not something I’d look back on with particular fondness.

Now that I think about it, this was probably the first time we went out together for something other than a meal. So, maybe it was like a first date, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.

The difference in our feelings created a gap between us. There was nothing I could do about it now. Maybe over time, as I grew to genuinely love Uno, that gap would close, I thought as I pulled out the chicken I had prepped earlier.

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