"Goodbye," you waved your hand: Chapter 1 - part 1

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

While you may already be familiar with these terms, I’ve provided their English definitions for those who may not be.

1. さん (san): This is a general, respectful suffix used to address or refer to someone. It's similar to "Mr.," "Mrs.," or "Ms." in English. It's commonly used for people of all ages and social statuses in both formal and informal contexts.

2. 君 (kun): This suffix is often used for addressing younger males, or in a more familiar or casual setting. It can be used with people of the same or lower status, and it's commonly used among friends, students, or in professional settings where there is a clear hierarchy (like between a superior and a subordinate). 

TOC Next

April 2000

Seiichi Ashiya drove his flashy car into the vacant lot behind his family’s house. It was a used, foreign convertible—nothing special, but owning it alone gave him bragging rights. In winter, the canvas roof looked terrible and the heating was terrible, but with warmer weather coming, the car would finally show its true worth. Being so flashy, it was often the target of pranks, so Seiichi made sure to secure the roof tightly and lock the doors.

Even though it was already April, once the sun set, the wind transformed into a sharp chill that bit his cheeks, so different from the warmth of the day. He clicked his tongue, cursing his light clothing, and hurried along. Placing a hand on the rusting, reddish-brown gate, he raised his head at the sight of something white. The magnolia tree in the yard, which had only been budding last time, had begun to bloom, its flowers appearing one by one. The pale petals, illuminated faintly by the porch light, reminded him of the skin of a fair-skinned woman. Now, he thought them beautiful, but as a child, the large, flower-covered tree had frightened him. When the flowers finished blooming, they would fall to the ground with a soft plop, like a head dropping, and the fallen petals looked like the corpses of white birds.

As Seiichi was taking off his shoes in the entrance, he heard hurried footsteps echoing down the hallway. His mother, wearing a floral apron, bustled into view—her plump frame, and those alarmingly large thighs. As soon as she spotted her son, she pressed her thick fingers to her cheek and tilted her head.

"If you’re coming home, at least let me know ahead of time. I only prepare enough food for the people here."

"Anything’s fine. Just feed me."

Seiichi shrugged as he stepped into the hallway.

"You’re always like this right before payday."

His mother, fussing with her hair, put on her green sandals... but before she did, she stomped her heavy foot down on the toe of his boots with a crunch.

"Ow! Don’t step on them! They were expensive. What if you leave a mark?"

He rushed over to the squashed shoe, quickly trying to fix its shape.

"Oh, I’m sorry."

Her apology was casual, her tone completely devoid of remorse. She rested her hands on her hips.

"You’re making such a fuss over a pair of shoes. A grown man, no less. Honestly. But Seiichi, can’t you do something about that curtain-like fringe? How do you go to work with hair like that? Aren’t you embarrassed?"

The word "curtain" made him snap. It was a trendy hairstyle, modeled after an actor, and his coworkers had complimented him on it, saying it looked cool. He thought the casual style suited him, and no one had ever insulted it by calling it a "curtain" before.

"My hair’s my business."

His mother glanced sideways at him.

"Sure, you can do whatever you want with your hair. But I’m talking about what people think. You’re twenty-seven now. If you’re still obsessing over hairstyles and clothes, people will say you’ve never grown up."

Obsessing over clothes? That’s an insult. Seiichi took great care with his appearance, and right now, he was dressed elegantly in muted tones. What’s wrong with liking to dress up? What’s wrong with spending his own money on things he liked? He knew that no matter what he said, his sharp-tongued mother would twist his words ten times over, so despite his frustration, he kept his mouth shut.

"It’s not about looks, it’s about what’s inside. Stop buying clothes all the time and save some money for once."

Seiichi sighed. His mother could preach all she wanted about inner beauty, but when you first meet someone, the first thing you notice is their clothes and face. You can’t tell someone’s character just from a glance. Besides, given the choice between someone well-dressed and someone shabby with the same personality, everyone would choose the well-dressed one. There’s nothing wrong with polishing your outward appearance.

What’s more, while you’re stuck with the face and body you’re born with unless you resort to surgery, even the most "awful" people could turn out to be decent. The ones who harp on about "inner beauty" usually have appearances you can’t bear to look at. Besides, "bad character" is relative. Aside from criminals or gangsters, no one is truly terrible. Even when someone’s labeled "unpleasant," it never amounts to much.

Suddenly, his mother let out a short gasp, clapped her hands, and exclaimed, "Ah!"

"Yes, that's right. Seeing your face reminded me. Yesterday, Makiko called and said Keisuke will be coming to Tokyo next month."

Seiichi’s eyes widened in surprise at the mention of Keisuke's name. As he stayed silent, his mother furrowed her brow.

"Don't tell me you’ve forgotten your cousin, Keisuke?"

"Of course I remember. Of course I do. So, he's coming here? What for? A friend’s wedding or something?"

Without thinking, Seiichi fumbled in his jacket pocket. He pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a drag. The rush of anxiety calmed down, if only slightly. Keisuke Himi—his cousin, the same age as him. Even though they hadn’t seen each other in ten years, Seiichi could clearly recall his face.

"You know how Makiko's family runs an inn, right? Keisuke, their only son, is supposed to take it over, but before that, he’s coming here to study hotel management at a place a family friend runs. He’s planning to stay for about a year, so he’ll need to find an apartment. But you know, since he’s never left the countryside, he probably won’t know how things work here. That’s why Makiko asked if you could help him out since you’re the same age."

Getting involved? No way. Seiichi flicked some ash onto the floor of the entrance, earning a sharp look from his mother.

"Keisuke’s a grown man. He can find an apartment on his own without me babysitting him."

His mother’s eyes narrowed.

"How heartless. You two were so close. I’ve already told Makiko you’d take responsibility and help him, so you’ll have to take care of him. And aren’t you off work on the weekends anyway?"

"Yeah, I’m off, but I’ve got my own plans. You agreed to this without asking me, so don’t expect me to just go along with it."

When Seiichi refused outright, his mother crossed her arms and let out a sly chuckle.

"In that case, how about you repay the 300,000 yen you owe me—right now, in full?"

The blow hit him hard, and Seiichi bit his lip. His mother closed her eyes and let out a long sigh.

"Always borrowing money for your foolish spending... Honestly, I’d love to have you drink a little of Keisuke’s essence. He’s such a thoughtful and kind boy, always looking out for his parents. Ever since his father fell ill and became bedridden, he’s been working so hard—"

Seiichi couldn’t stand the comparison anymore, so he cut her off by storming into the living room before she finished. He sank into the couch, furiously puffing on his cigarette. Keisuke was coming to Tokyo. That in itself didn’t bother him, but the thought of having to get involved did. He didn’t dislike Keisuke—far from it. The problem was that they had gotten too close.

Seiichi found himself absentmindedly humming an old song: "Ah, the mistakes of youth..."

◇:-:◆:-:◇

After Golden Week passed, the weather had been continuously pleasant, with clear skies stretching on day after day. His car, which had a tendency to act up in the rain, was running exceptionally well now that the sun was out. The roads were nearly empty, perhaps because it was mid-afternoon—a strange, in-between hour—and the car glided smoothly down the coastal highway.

A girl in the passenger seat of an oncoming car turned to look at him. That little gesture lifted his spirits. She must have thought both the car and the guy driving it looked cool. He hadn't skimped on his clothes or his hairstyle; right now, he felt confident he could charm any girl he set his sights on. If only he weren't on his way to pick up his cousin, this would have been the perfect drive.

He was technically on a pick-up run, but he was already four hours late for the scheduled meet-up. Traffic had been bad, the roads under construction—he could come up with any number of excuses. In a city this big, it wouldn't be strange if at least one of those reasons were true.

Even someone as laid-back as Keisuke wouldn't have waited four hours at the airport. He was probably tired of waiting and had called home by now. It was easy enough to get to their house from the airport with just one transfer. His mother had likely said something like, "Don’t bother waiting around for someone like him, just come straight here."

The scenario had already played out in his mind. He didn't actually need to go to the airport since he was going to ditch Keisuke anyway, but if his mother found out he skipped it intentionally, that would be a problem. So, he was heading to the airport at least to make a show of it. Once there, he’d call with the airport announcements playing in the background—that would make the lie sound more believable.

He was a little curious to see how Keisuke had changed over the past ten years, but he didn't want to meet him. Tomorrow, his mother had ordered them to tour real estate agencies together, but he planned to have a friend call him with a "sudden emergency" so he could get out of it. Keisuke could handle picking an apartment on his own, and if he needed to get around, he could just take a bus or a train. Compared to the countryside, there were plenty of ways to get around the city.

But still... Seiichi hesitated. Leaving Keisuke to navigate the buses and trains alone made him a bit uneasy. Back in high school, the two of them had gone to watch fireworks in a town about thirty minutes away by train. Keisuke, despite claiming he'd been there a few times before, got lost on the way back.

They managed to find their way to the rural train station eventually, but it was already 10 p.m. by then. The last bus passing near Keisuke’s inn had already left. With no other choice, they walked the fifteen-minute distance, munching on popcorn they’d bought at a festival stall. Keisuke had been wearing a yukata that supposedly belonged to his father. The conversation had veered into dirty jokes about how you didn't wear underwear beneath traditional Japanese clothing, and before he knew it, Seiichi was teasingly grabbing at Keisuke’s crotch. What had started as playful teasing slowly shifted into something else. Even knowing the person beside him was a guy, Seiichi's heart pounded, and he felt himself get hard.

He couldn’t hold back anymore. He pushed Keisuke down among the trees a little way off the road and had sex with him. Seiichi had been with girls before, but this was his first time with a guy, and Keisuke was a virgin. As far as Seiichi could remember, Keisuke didn’t resist. He had taken everything that night. The fact that it was outside, and with another man, made the experience even more thrilling. What began as a joke became something more—the feel of his cousin's smooth, fair skin, the unexpected heat when he penetrated deep inside—left Seiichi unexpectedly captivated.

Back then, Seiichi’s friends were all bold, confident, and cool. Their status was measured by how many cute girls they were dating. Keisuke, with his easygoing nature, didn’t fit in with that crowd at all. He was quiet and reserved, but curious and kind. Seiichi had loved him—at least, he was sure of that back then. He liked him enough to fool around with him, even though he was a guy. Maybe Seiichi was just young and reckless, at a point where he wanted to sleep with anything that moved.

After Keisuke, he’d slept with two other men. He went through a phase where he struggled with identifying as bisexual. But eventually, he realized that girls' skin was softer and felt better to him. From then on, he only slept with women. Even now, he might joke around and kiss another guy, but he no longer had any desire to go further.

The airport came into view in the distance, and Seiichi pressed down on the accelerator. The last time he’d seen Keisuke was during the summer of their second year in high school. After that, he had stopped visiting the countryside, and Keisuke never came to the city.

"It's way past the statute of limitations now, right?" he muttered.

The awkwardness between them wasn’t just because they were close enough to have sex; there was another layer to it. At one point in his youth, when Seiichi was completely infatuated with his cousin from the countryside, he had made a promise to Keisuke before leaving at the end of the summer vacation: “I can’t do it now, but once I graduate from high school, I’ll come back for you, and we’ll live together.” Looking back now, Seiichi cringed at the memory, wondering what kind of madness had possessed him. But in that moment, he had been completely sincere, and Keisuke, with a serious expression, had replied, “I’ll be waiting for you.”

Lost in these memories, he arrived at the airport. He parked in a nearby lot and walked to the arrivals lobby. Scanning the crowded space, filled with group tours and travelers, he felt relieved not to spot Keisuke among them. Pulling out his phone, he switched it back on—it had been off the entire time—and prepared to call home. Just as the phone powered up, it began to ring, startling him. Hastily, he answered and brought it to his ear.

“Finally! Seiichi, what the hell are you doing?” His mother's sharp voice pierced through the receiver, making him wince.

“Ah, I just got to the airport. There was an accident, and the traffic was awful... Keisuke’s already there with you, right?”

“What are you talking about? We haven’t heard a word from Keisuke! That’s why I’m calling you. I spoke to Makiko, and she said he left on time, so what the hell is going on?”

Seiichi quickly ended the call, a sense of unease washing over him. He felt a gaze on his back and, hesitantly, he turned around. Their eyes met. A man who had been sitting on a nearby chair was now looking up at him. He’d noticed the guy when he first arrived, hunched over with poor posture that made him seem older, so Seiichi hadn’t bothered to get a good look at his face, never suspecting it was him.

The man's hair was cut in a plain, blunt style. He wore thick, black-rimmed glasses, the kind that had gone out of fashion years ago. Back in high school, Keisuke hadn’t worn glasses. Despite the warm weather—comfortable enough for short sleeves—he was dressed as if he were ready for a mountain hike: a long-sleeved checkered flannel shirt and a pair of faded, stone-washed jeans that Seiichi had always loathed. At his feet was a travel bag, an obvious knock-off of a brand name.

The man stood up, slinging the bag over his shoulder, and walked up to him.

“Seiichi... right?”

His tone was questioning, but there was a note of certainty in his voice.

“It’s been a while. How have you been?”

Keisuke Himi smiled warmly, his face just as friendly and open as it had been ten years ago—completely unchanged.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Keisuke looked at the foreign convertible and murmured, “Wow, that’s amazing. I’ve never seen a car like this before.” Despite the compliment, Seiichi couldn’t bring himself to feel genuinely happy.

Keisuke sat in the passenger seat, blinking comfortably in the sunlight. His pale skin stood out even more in the bright light. He’d always been fair-skinned, and that, at least, hadn’t changed.

"It’s really warm here. Back home, it’s still freezing in the mornings. Even during the day, it doesn’t warm up much."

Though he heard him, Seiichi didn’t respond. Part of it was the awkwardness from "breaking the promise" years ago, but also because he was irritated by how terrible Keisuke looked. He felt ashamed to have someone dressed like this sitting in the passenger seat of his carefully chosen car. He definitely didn’t want anyone he knew to see them together. He realized, only after they had already started driving, that he should have put the roof on.

The car glided smoothly along the coastal road. As the silence grew, Seiichi glanced over at Keisuke, who was tilting his head to the right, staring at Tokyo Bay. Even though I’d made him wait so long, he hasn’t asked why I was late. Normally, someone would at least complain a little. Still, just because Keisuke wasn’t digging into the reasons, Seiichi didn’t feel the need to foolishly offer an explanation.

To break the silence, Seiichi turned on the radio. The cheerful chatter of the DJ helped to ease the tension. Then, a familiar melody filled the car—Strawberry Fields Forever. Keisuke’s eyes widened as he let out a soft “Ah,” and turned to Seiichi.

“The Beatles,” he said.

The memory came rushing back, vivid and sharp. For a moment, the coincidence felt almost criminal.

... It was the summer break of their second year in high school. Seiichi had returned to the countryside for his maternal grandfather’s funeral after the old man’s sudden passing. There, he had reunited with his cousin, Keisuke Himi. The last time they had met, they were in elementary school, so it had been about ten years since they’d seen each other.

At seventeen, it was a tricky age to suddenly be thrown together with a cousin you hadn’t seen in so long, just because you were related. When Seiichi first saw Keisuke, with his quiet, reserved demeanor, he thought, There’s no way we’ll get along. How they ended up becoming so close was still a mystery to Seiichi. Looking back, it was probably Keisuke’s smile—the kind that made you feel like he was up to something—that had caught him off guard.

After the funeral, the family held a small gathering at the house. It was a typical countryside tradition: eating, drinking, and supposedly comforting the spirit of the deceased. But to Seiichi, it was just a noisy family get-together. He quickly grew tired of the adults drinking and causing a commotion. That’s when his aunt whispered to him, "You should go to Keisuke’s room upstairs if you’re bored." With nothing better to do, and thinking anything would be better than staying downstairs, Seiichi knocked on Keisuke’s sliding door.

"It’s loud downstairs. Mind if I stay here?"

Keisuke, who had been sitting at his desk, turned and said, "Sure." They didn’t talk at first. Keisuke moved the radio on the windowsill, trying to find the best position for a clear signal. After a while, the antenna must have caught a good frequency, because suddenly, clean, crisp music began to flow from the radio. Keisuke’s face lit up with a smile.

"Is that The Beatles?"

When Seiichi asked, Keisuke looked back and nodded, "Yeah."

"You like foreign music?"

"Not really. We’re doing Beatles songs for club activities right now. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da and Imagine, that kind of stuff."

"Imagine is John Lennon, though. Well, whatever. Are you in the music club?"

"Yeah."

"What do you play? Saxophone or something?"

An image of a cool jazz musician vaguely floated in Seiichi’s mind.

"Cymbals."

"Huh…"

In his head, the jazz musician was replaced by a retro toy monkey dressed as a clown, clashing cymbals together with a clang. Not sure how to respond to that, Seiichi just fell silent. Seeing this, Keisuke burst out laughing.

"I’m kidding. I play trumpet. Though I do play cymbals sometimes."

Seiichi couldn’t get mad at being teased, because Keisuke’s laugh was so genuine. He’d thought Keisuke was a stiff, serious guy who didn’t joke around, but this changed his impression of his cousin.

The Beatles song ended. The memory faded out, replaced by the stronger scent of the sea breeze.

“Is your place far from here?” Keisuke asked quietly.

"It’s about twenty minutes to get to my parents' house. But my apartment is over by Shimbashi, so it’ll take a little longer."

"You don’t live with your parents?"

"I’ve got a job now, and the house is too cramped."

"...I see."

Keisuke pressed his sharp jaw with his fingers. Hidden behind the thick-framed glasses, his face was slim, with well-defined features. But no matter how you looked at him, you couldn’t call him cute—his face was that of a grown man.

When Seiichi had reunited with Keisuke ten years ago, it had been right after a breakup. The girl he had been dating for six months was beautiful, the kind of girl that made everyone turn their heads. Seiichi had been proud, showing her off to his friends. But then, out of the blue, she dumped him—and to make it worse, she started dating one of his friends. They shared many mutual acquaintances and frequented the same spots. Running into them by chance would’ve been a nightmare, and the idea of being labeled "the guy who got dumped" clung to Seiichi like a humiliating brand. The only way to overcome it was to date someone even prettier, someone with a better figure, and flaunt her in front of everyone. But girls like his ex didn’t come around often. There were a few girls who showed interest in him, but even together, they couldn’t compare to his ex.

That’s why the timing of his grandfather’s funeral had been perfect. It gave him a reason to escape from his friends and his ex. After the funeral, his younger brother Takeshi broke his leg playing in the river and ended up in the hospital in the countryside. Seiichi’s mother stayed behind to take care of him, and Seiichi, relieved, decided to spend the summer there too.

Living in the city, he had expected the countryside to be unbearably boring—no arcades, no movie theaters. But it turned out to be more fun than he thought. He helped out at Keisuke’s family inn for pocket money, and with that, they went to a beach a train stop away, trying to pick up girls. When the girls were older, Seiichi often managed to get lucky. That summer, he slept with three girls. Keisuke had one girl he almost hit it off with, but he came back with a sheepish grin, admitting he had failed.

When they got bored of chasing girls every day, there was a fireworks festival. Keisuke, with the white nape of his neck peeking out from his yukata, tempted Seiichi, and that was when he made his move. The fact that they were both guys didn’t bother him. If it felt good, it was fine. If it was exciting, it was fine. Ethics were only as important as the semen that was spat out into tissues and thrown away.

After that day, they stopped picking up girls and started having sex every day. Anywhere they could find some privacy, they did it. They even snuck into the bathroom together once. Late one night, they snuck out of the house, stripped down, and swam naked in the river. After tiring themselves out, they did it in the dark cover of the foliage. The fact that they were two men, and cousins no less, only spiced up the thrill. It didn’t stop them—it fueled their desire.

Seiichi genuinely liked Keisuke, and when the summer ended and he had to return to the city, he was truly sad. So when he said, "I’ll come back for you after I graduate from high school," he meant it. It was just that the seriousness didn’t last. Three days after returning home, his ex came back, saying, "I still like you, Seiichi," and they got back together.

The car left the coastline and entered the residential area. Weaving through the narrow streets, Seiichi parked in front of his parents' house but didn’t turn off the engine.

"I’ve got stuff to do, so I’m heading back. The house is right there."

He had no intention of escorting Keisuke inside, only to get nagged by his mother.

"Sorry to make you come get me on your day off. Didn’t you have plans?"

"Don’t worry about it."

Seiichi dismissed him, completely forgetting that he’d left him waiting for almost four hours.

"Thanks for today."

Keisuke thanked him politely and got out of the car. Seiichi had planned to leave before his mother came out, but the magnolia blossoms were so beautifully in bloom, and the sight of Keisuke’s pale neck, white like the flowers, caught his eye. Without thinking, he found himself staring.

Just before pressing the doorbell, Keisuke turned, their eyes meeting. He gave Seiichi a small, bright smile before turning back to the door.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: This novel contains explicit graphic content, including r*pe and ped*philia. I will not be adding a trigger warning to every chapter with graphic content, so please consider this a general warning.

TOC Next