That Person: Chapter 13

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At dawn, Matsushita had only managed to doze off for about thirty minutes before waking up. Despite everything, Kadowaki had never returned to his room. By just before seven, Matsushita headed to the kitchen at his usual time and was greeted by an unusual chill. The terrace windows were wide open, causing the pale green curtains to flutter wildly. On the living room sofa, Kadowaki was lying down. Matsushita approached quietly, not wanting to disturb him, only to realize up close that Kadowaki was not asleep. He was staring blankly at the curtains.

When he noticed Matsushita, his previously expressionless face became flustered. He glanced at the clock.

"Sorry, I didn’t realize it was already this late. I haven’t even started breakfast yet…"

"Don’t worry about that," Matsushita replied.

As Kadowaki tried to stand, he inexplicably stumbled and fell. The floor was clear—nothing to trip over.

"Are you alright?"

Matsushita helped him up and was startled by how cold and trembling his body was. As soon as Matsushita began to steady him, Kadowaki clung tightly for a fleeting moment before collapsing back onto the sofa. Something was clearly wrong.

"Are you okay?" Matsushita repeated, his concern evident.

"Maybe it’s just sleep deprivation," he murmured, his voice listless, his eyes red. Matsushita realized he likely hadn’t slept either.

"I’ll make something to drink," Kadowaki said, standing up again—this time with steady footing—and heading to the kitchen.

"You don’t need to trouble yourself," Matsushita called after him.

Kadowaki turned back with a faint, evasive smile, brushing off Matsushita’s protest. Before long, he set a simple breakfast on the table: milk, toast, and Matsushita’s favorite scrambled eggs.

Though he had no appetite, Matsushita couldn’t bring himself to reject the meal Kadowaki had prepared. Across the table, Kadowaki sat down but didn’t touch any food. Instead, he continued gazing at the billowing curtains.

They often shared quiet moments together, but something about this silence felt off. It wasn’t easy to pinpoint the difference—perhaps it was just the mood.

"Is it interesting?" Matsushita asked softly.

Kadowaki slowly turned to look at him.

"You’ve been staring at the curtains for a while now. I wondered if you found them interesting."

Shaking his head, Kadowaki replied, "They sway in the wind, moving almost like a living creature. I was just thinking about what kind of equation could describe that motion."

"That would be complicated," Matsushita began thoughtfully. "The strength and direction of the wind, the humidity and temperature, the fabric of the curtain itself—everything would factor in…"

"It doesn’t really matter," Kadowaki interrupted with a sigh, brushing off Matsushita’s earnestness. "It’s just something to distract me."

After a brief silence, he murmured, "Someday…"

Matsushita watched as Kadowaki hesitated before continuing.

"Someday, will there come a time when you regret being with me?"

Matsushita couldn’t respond. Kadowaki didn’t press him for an answer, nor did he seem to want one. Perhaps he already understood that the future held no guarantees, not even for feelings like regret.

:-::-:

They left the apartment separately. As promised, he arrived at the university a little later. Since Matsushita had a class during the first period, they didn’t get a chance to talk properly and merely passed each other in the hallway.

The argument with his younger sister that morning lingered in Matsushita’s mind, making it hard to focus on his lectures. Feeling deflated, he returned to the faculty office, only to stop short in surprise upon entering.

Kadowaki was there, slumped over Matsushita’s desk, his head buried in his arms.

“Are you okay?”

Startled, Matsushita rushed over and shook his shoulder. The young man jolted upright, his eyes wet and red-rimmed, his nose flushed as though he’d been crying. He sniffled, quickly wiping the damp surface of the desk with his shirt sleeve.

“Are you feeling unwell?”

“I’m fine. It’s not like that…” his voice trailed off, weak and unconvincing.

With those fading words, he suddenly clung to Matsushita, burying his face against his chest. A deep, shuddering sigh, almost like a sob, escaped him, echoing faintly in the quiet room. They stayed like that for about five minutes until Kadowaki finally stepped back, seemingly calmer.

“I’m going home for today,” he said softly.

“I can’t focus on lectures, and I feel like staying here would just be a bother to you.”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own?” Matsushita asked, worried.

Kadowaki gave a small smile, picked up his usual bag from the corner of the room, and slung it over his shoulder. Watching his bowed profile, Matsushita felt an overwhelming sense that letting him go like this was a mistake. What would he do once he got home? Cry alone? The thought was unbearable. Just as the young man was about to step out, Matsushita grabbed his arm.

“Is there something you want to say to me?” Matsushita asked.

Kadowaki tilted his head slightly, puzzled.

“You must have been upset about my sister and about what I did,” Matsushita continued.

“It’s nothing,” he replied.

“You’re allowed to be angry,” Matsushita urged. “Why aren’t you angry?”

The unease Matsushita had been feeling all morning suddenly crystallized. Kadowaki hadn’t expressed a shred of anger since yesterday—not even after being subjected to such cruel words. He wasn’t upset with Matsushita either. It felt unnatural.

The young man shook his head, looking down. “I’m not angry.”

“But if you’re not upset, isn’t that strange?” Matsushita insisted.

“I told you, I’m not angry,” Kadowaki repeated with a calm finality.

Unsatisfied, Matsushita asked the same question two more times, receiving the same answer each time. Finally, Kadowaki sighed with a weary expression.

“If I got angry, you’d just cry, wouldn’t you?”

Matsushita swallowed hard, unable to reply. By the time he processed those words, the young man had left. Alone in the room, Matsushita sat in silence, replaying the conversation in his mind. He thought about the meaning behind those words—the reason Kadowaki refused to get angry. And for the rest of the day, that thought consumed him entirely.

:-::-:

The seminar on dialysis therapy was held in the grand hall of Annex Plaza on Port Island. Matsushita arrived about thirty minutes before it ended and waited near the entrance for his sister to emerge. Although a trickle of attendees had begun leaving the venue before the official end, when the seminar concluded, a flood of people surged out. Overwhelmed, Matsushita scanned the crowd, worried he wouldn’t be able to find his sister. Just then, a familiar voice caught his attention. Turning toward the sound, he spotted her among a group of five or so people. When he called her name, she turned with a look of surprise.

“Good thing I found you. I need to talk to you,” Matsushita said.

His sister whispered something to her companions, then left the group to approach him. When Matsushita suggested finding a place to sit and talk, she made no effort to hide her irritation, placing her hands on her hips. “Here is fine. Just get it over with quickly. I have dinner plans, and I don’t want to be late.”

Matsushita pressed a hand to his aching stomach. His anxiety about the impending conversation had been steadily building, causing his stomach to churn painfully. But this wasn’t the time to falter.

“No matter how much you or the family object, I’m staying with him,” he declared.

She sighed dramatically, her expression one of exasperation. “So, you came all the way here just to say that? You’re just making a fool of yourself.”

Her disdainful tone stung, but Matsushita knew this was a necessary step for him. Even if she mocked him, he had to say it aloud.

“By telling you this, I’m making my commitment to him a public declaration,” he said. “A promise to myself.”

“Do whatever you want. I don’t have time for this,” she replied dismissively.

“He’s trying to protect me,” Matsushita said quietly. “What do you want from me?”

His sister frowned deeply. “You think this is about me wanting something from you?”

“Do you want me to marry a woman, start a family, and live what people call a ‘normal life’? That’s not happiness for me. I can’t love a woman in that way. But just as you have a husband and children to share your life with, I need a partner in mine. I finally found someone I love—someone I’ve waited my whole life to meet. Please, don’t deny him.”

Matsushita dropped to his knees on the pastel-colored tiles of the hallway, bowing his head in an act of supplication. Before his forehead could touch the floor, his sister grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Don’t embarrass me with a bow like that! Think about how this makes me look!” she hissed.

Slowly, Matsushita rose to his feet.

“Brother, you’re acting strange,” she muttered, her gaze averted.

“What’s so strange about me?” he asked.

“The things you do,” she snapped.

Matsushita felt a pang of sorrow. What he saw as an act of sincerity, she dismissed as strange.

“I’m just asking you to accept that I have someone I love,” he said simply.

“But why does it have to be someone of the same gender? And so much younger…”

“Age has nothing to do with love,” Matsushita replied.

Her frustration was evident as she bit her lip. Age, shared years, even blood relations—none of these guaranteed understanding. Just as his parents and sister had failed to understand him, despite a lifetime together, love required no such prerequisites.

“Do you know what I need when I catch a cold?” he asked suddenly.

She looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"Mother and you are alike," Matsushita said, his voice steady but full of emotion. "If I were sick, you’d both search tirelessly for the most effective medicine for me. But even if I didn’t take it and were to die the next day, what I would truly want is someone to stay by my side. Someone to hold me and tell me, ‘It’s going to be okay.’ That’s what he understands. He knows how lonely and fragile I can be. Even this morning, when he stood up to you, it wasn’t because he likes confrontation—he hates it. He did it for me because he knows I can’t handle it. He always thinks about me. And I can’t lose him.”

“Stop saying such pathetic things. You’re too old for this,” his sister sighed in exasperation.

“I won’t lie to you either,” she continued. “The truth is, I don’t want to deal with the reality of a family member being gay. I can’t even bear to imagine it.”

Her words stabbed deeply into Matsushita’s chest.

“You used to be my pride,” she said, her voice cold. “You were smart, kind… Even when you didn’t become a doctor, I could still take pride in that. But not anymore.”

“I haven’t changed,” Matsushita countered. “I’ve always been indecisive and timid. If anything’s changed, it’s your perception of me.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she admitted reluctantly.

“But I want to change,” Matsushita said firmly. At the very least, he thought, I want to have the courage to protect the person I love.

His sister pressed her forehead as though exhausted and muttered, “Do whatever you want,” as if relinquishing the argument altogether.

By the time Matsushita returned to the apartment complex, delayed by traffic, it was past 8 PM. When he opened the front door, the apartment was pitch dark. A flash of panic struck him—had he left? But when Matsushita turned on the entryway light, he saw Kadowaki’s shoes neatly placed by the door. He let out a breath of relief.

He turned on the lights as he made his way through the apartment, one room at a time. Finally, he found him in the living room, sitting on the sofa, staring out the window, just as he had been that morning.

Even as the room grew brighter, he didn’t turn around. His gaze remained fixed, empty, as if his mind were far away in another world.

“Kadowaki,” Matsushita called softly.

It took a moment, but eventually, he turned. When he did, Matsushita saw the tears streaking his face and the raw panic in his expression. Without thinking, he rushed forward and pulled him into a tight embrace.

“You don’t have to apologize for not making dinner,” Matsushita said, preempting any explanation. The cold kitchen had already told him enough. “You don’t need to apologize for anything. From the start, you’ve never needed to do anything in this house—not cooking, not cleaning, not laundry. You don’t have to do any of it.”

He felt Kadowaki’s fingers trembling against his back.

“When it got late and you didn’t come home,” Kadowaki murmured, his voice breaking, “I thought you’d finally had enough and left me.”

Matsushita’s heart ached at the words. “Why would you think that?” he wanted to shout. How could he even imagine such a thing? Yet the moment he thought it, Kadowaki’s words from before came back to him—the ones about feeling as though he were in a one-sided relationship. That feeling of loving but not being understood.

Matsushita looked at him carefully now, truly looked at him. How could I have been so blind? he thought. I’ve been hearing his words but not listening to them. He’s been afraid, and I didn’t believe him. We’re walking this path of love together, yet I convinced myself that I was the only one feeling insecure.

He tightened his embrace, as if to make up for all the times he hadn’t truly understood.

"...I'm sorry."

At first, Matsushita didn’t understand what he was apologizing for. But as Kadowaki repeated it over and over, Matsushita finally asked, "Why are you apologizing?"

"I said terrible things to your sister," he replied, his face pale and drawn.

"My sister?" Matsushita asked, confused.

"Your sister loves you very much," he continued, his voice shaking. "When it was just the two of us, all she talked about was you. She said you were brilliant and kind, even as a child. She said you set such a high bar that no one she dated ever seemed interesting in comparison. I heard all of that, and yet..."

"You spoke up because I couldn’t," Matsushita said gently.

But he shook his head vigorously, pulling away from Matsushita’s touch. "No, that's not it. I’m selfish... so selfish..."

Kadowaki crouched down, clutching his head in both hands. His voice trembled.

"I’m so selfish, I can’t stand myself..."

Still pale, he hung his head.

"I can’t think clearly, can’t organize my thoughts," Kadowaki said, his voice breaking. "I couldn’t make sense of what was happening then, and I can’t make sense of what’s happening now. I don’t know how to act in a way that’s best for you. I hurt your family, and even so, I keep asking myself—am I someone who deserves to stay by your side?"

Kadowaki kept repeating, I don’t know, I don’t know, his voice filled with despair.

"When I decided to come to Kobe," Kadowaki said, "I told my family everything. I said grad school was just an excuse and that I was coming here because I was in love—with a man. My father told me never to come back. My mother cried. I thought, after that, that there wouldn’t be anyone left for me to hurt... but now..."

Matsushita stood frozen. He had always been too afraid to touch this part of him. Too afraid of what lay beneath—the possibility that Kadowaki would regret leaving his family behind.

He had only ever looked at the surface of him—the kindness, the calm exterior—and had failed to see the deep turmoil that lay underneath. All the while, Kadowaki had been protecting Matsushita from so much—from the pain, the conflict.

And yet, what had Matsushita done for him in return?

He knelt down and spoke clearly, his voice steady but filled with emotion. "I need you."

Kadowaki looked up, startled, his body trembling.

"I don’t care what anyone else says. I need you—absolutely, without question."

Matsushita wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. Stroking his head, he tried to comfort him as he sobbed, overwhelmed by his own confusion and pain.

For the first time, Matsushita realized he had been looking at only a part of the man he loved. And now, he resolved, he would embrace all of him—the pain, the uncertainty, and the love that bound them together.



"You can lie to me if you want. You can deceive me, be cowardly, or selfish—it’s all fine. So, please, don’t force yourself. You don’t have to try to be honest for my sake. If you want to say that having a boyfriend was a lie and return to your family, that’s okay too. Something like that won’t break me. Don’t just spoil me—let yourself be spoiled too. I might not be the most dependable man, but I’ll do my best to support you."

Matsushita hesitated before continuing. He debated whether to say the next words or not. Once spoken, they couldn’t be taken back. If the day ever came when those words were thrown back at him, he would have no choice but to accept them. But he pushed past his doubts, steeling his fragile heart. He resolved to strive, to ensure he wouldn’t be cast aside, to keep their bond strong.

"And if one day you grow tired of me, or if you fall in love with someone else, don’t hesitate to leave me. You don’t need to worry about what happens after. You have every right to that freedom."

He held the trembling Kadowaki close. The warmth of his body was both a comfort and a source of resolve, urging Matsushita to be strong enough to uphold what he had just promised.

"Don’t keep your feelings bottled up—say whatever you’re thinking. Get angry, yell if you need to. Even if I end up crying or sulking, don’t let that hold you back. If there’s something wrong, let’s work through it together and find a solution. I want to be with you for as long as possible."

Kadowaki said something, but his voice was too quiet for Matsushita to catch. When Matsushita asked him to repeat it, he simply shook his head and buried his face in Matsushita’s chest. Matsushita thought he might have said, "I want all of your future," but there was no way to confirm.

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