That Person: Chapter 13
At dawn, Matsushita had only managed to doze
off for about thirty minutes before waking up. Despite everything, Kadowaki had
never returned to his room. By just before seven, Matsushita headed to the
kitchen at his usual time and was greeted by an unusual chill. The terrace
windows were wide open, causing the pale green curtains to flutter wildly. On
the living room sofa, Kadowaki was lying down. Matsushita approached quietly,
not wanting to disturb him, only to realize up close that Kadowaki was not
asleep. He was staring blankly at the curtains.
When he noticed Matsushita, his previously
expressionless face became flustered. He glanced at the clock.
"Sorry, I didn’t realize it was already
this late. I haven’t even started breakfast yet…"
"Don’t worry about that," Matsushita
replied.
As Kadowaki tried to stand, he inexplicably
stumbled and fell. The floor was clear—nothing to trip over.
"Are you alright?"
Matsushita helped him up and was startled by
how cold and trembling his body was. As soon as Matsushita began to steady him,
Kadowaki clung tightly for a fleeting moment before collapsing back onto the
sofa. Something was clearly wrong.
"Are you okay?" Matsushita repeated,
his concern evident.
"Maybe it’s just sleep deprivation,"
he murmured, his voice listless, his eyes red. Matsushita realized he likely
hadn’t slept either.
"I’ll make something to drink," Kadowaki
said, standing up again—this time with steady footing—and heading to the
kitchen.
"You don’t need to trouble yourself,"
Matsushita called after him.
Kadowaki turned back with a faint, evasive
smile, brushing off Matsushita’s protest. Before long, he set a simple
breakfast on the table: milk, toast, and Matsushita’s favorite scrambled eggs.
Though he had no appetite, Matsushita couldn’t
bring himself to reject the meal Kadowaki had prepared. Across the table, Kadowaki
sat down but didn’t touch any food. Instead, he continued gazing at the
billowing curtains.
They often shared quiet moments together, but
something about this silence felt off. It wasn’t easy to pinpoint the
difference—perhaps it was just the mood.
"Is it interesting?" Matsushita asked
softly.
Kadowaki slowly turned to look at him.
"You’ve been staring at the curtains for a
while now. I wondered if you found them interesting."
Shaking his head, Kadowaki replied, "They
sway in the wind, moving almost like a living creature. I was just thinking
about what kind of equation could describe that motion."
"That would be complicated,"
Matsushita began thoughtfully. "The strength and direction of the wind,
the humidity and temperature, the fabric of the curtain itself—everything would
factor in…"
"It doesn’t really matter," Kadowaki
interrupted with a sigh, brushing off Matsushita’s earnestness. "It’s just
something to distract me."
After a brief silence, he murmured,
"Someday…"
Matsushita watched as Kadowaki hesitated before
continuing.
"Someday, will there come a time when you
regret being with me?"
Matsushita couldn’t respond. Kadowaki didn’t
press him for an answer, nor did he seem to want one. Perhaps he already
understood that the future held no guarantees, not even for feelings like
regret.
◇:-:◆:-:◇
They left the apartment separately. As
promised, he arrived at the university a little later. Since Matsushita had a
class during the first period, they didn’t get a chance to talk properly and
merely passed each other in the hallway.
The argument with his younger sister that
morning lingered in Matsushita’s mind, making it hard to focus on his lectures.
Feeling deflated, he returned to the faculty office, only to stop short in
surprise upon entering.
Kadowaki was there, slumped over Matsushita’s
desk, his head buried in his arms.
“Are you okay?”
Startled, Matsushita rushed over and shook his
shoulder. The young man jolted upright, his eyes wet and red-rimmed, his nose
flushed as though he’d been crying. He sniffled, quickly wiping the damp
surface of the desk with his shirt sleeve.
“Are you feeling unwell?”
“I’m fine. It’s not like that…” his voice
trailed off, weak and unconvincing.
With those fading words, he suddenly clung to
Matsushita, burying his face against his chest. A deep, shuddering sigh, almost
like a sob, escaped him, echoing faintly in the quiet room. They stayed like
that for about five minutes until Kadowaki finally stepped back, seemingly
calmer.
“I’m going home for today,” he said softly.
“I can’t focus on lectures, and I feel like
staying here would just be a bother to you.”
“Are you sure you’ll be okay on your own?” Matsushita
asked, worried.
Kadowaki gave a small smile, picked up his
usual bag from the corner of the room, and slung it over his shoulder. Watching
his bowed profile, Matsushita felt an overwhelming sense that letting him go
like this was a mistake. What would he do once he got home? Cry alone? The
thought was unbearable. Just as the young man was about to step out, Matsushita
grabbed his arm.
“Is there something you want to say to me?”
Matsushita asked.
Kadowaki tilted his head slightly, puzzled.
“You must have been upset about my sister and
about what I did,” Matsushita continued.
“It’s nothing,” he replied.
“You’re allowed to be angry,” Matsushita urged.
“Why aren’t you angry?”
The unease Matsushita had been feeling all
morning suddenly crystallized. Kadowaki hadn’t expressed a shred of anger since
yesterday—not even after being subjected to such cruel words. He wasn’t upset
with Matsushita either. It felt unnatural.
The young man shook his head, looking down.
“I’m not angry.”
“But if you’re not upset, isn’t that strange?”
Matsushita insisted.
“I told you, I’m not angry,” Kadowaki repeated
with a calm finality.
Unsatisfied, Matsushita asked the same question
two more times, receiving the same answer each time. Finally, Kadowaki sighed
with a weary expression.
“If I got angry, you’d just cry, wouldn’t you?”
Matsushita swallowed hard, unable to reply. By
the time he processed those words, the young man had left. Alone in the room,
Matsushita sat in silence, replaying the conversation in his mind. He thought
about the meaning behind those words—the reason Kadowaki refused to get angry.
And for the rest of the day, that thought consumed him entirely.
◇:-:◆:-:◇
The seminar on dialysis therapy was held in the
grand hall of Annex Plaza on Port Island. Matsushita arrived about thirty
minutes before it ended and waited near the entrance for his sister to emerge.
Although a trickle of attendees had begun leaving the venue before the official
end, when the seminar concluded, a flood of people surged out. Overwhelmed,
Matsushita scanned the crowd, worried he wouldn’t be able to find his sister.
Just then, a familiar voice caught his attention. Turning toward the sound, he
spotted her among a group of five or so people. When he called her name, she
turned with a look of surprise.
“Good thing I found you. I need to talk to
you,” Matsushita said.
His sister whispered something to her
companions, then left the group to approach him. When Matsushita suggested
finding a place to sit and talk, she made no effort to hide her irritation,
placing her hands on her hips. “Here is fine. Just get it over with quickly. I
have dinner plans, and I don’t want to be late.”
Matsushita pressed a hand to his aching
stomach. His anxiety about the impending conversation had been steadily
building, causing his stomach to churn painfully. But this wasn’t the time to
falter.
“No matter how much you or the family object,
I’m staying with him,” he declared.
She sighed dramatically, her expression one of
exasperation. “So, you came all the way here just to say that? You’re just
making a fool of yourself.”
Her disdainful tone stung, but Matsushita knew
this was a necessary step for him. Even if she mocked him, he had to say it
aloud.
“By telling you this, I’m making my commitment
to him a public declaration,” he said. “A promise to myself.”
“Do whatever you want. I don’t have time for
this,” she replied dismissively.
“He’s trying to protect me,” Matsushita said
quietly. “What do you want from me?”
His sister frowned deeply. “You think this is
about me wanting something from you?”
“Do you want me to marry a woman, start a
family, and live what people call a ‘normal life’? That’s not happiness for me.
I can’t love a woman in that way. But just as you have a husband and children
to share your life with, I need a partner in mine. I finally found someone I
love—someone I’ve waited my whole life to meet. Please, don’t deny him.”
Matsushita dropped to his knees on the pastel-colored
tiles of the hallway, bowing his head in an act of supplication. Before his
forehead could touch the floor, his sister grabbed his arm to stop him.
“Don’t embarrass me with a bow like that! Think
about how this makes me look!” she hissed.
Slowly, Matsushita rose to his feet.
“Brother, you’re acting strange,” she muttered,
her gaze averted.
“What’s so strange about me?” he asked.
“The things you do,” she snapped.
Matsushita felt a pang of sorrow. What he saw
as an act of sincerity, she dismissed as strange.
“I’m just asking you to accept that I have
someone I love,” he said simply.
“But why does it have to be someone of the same
gender? And so much younger…”
“Age has nothing to do with love,” Matsushita
replied.
Her frustration was evident as she bit her lip.
Age, shared years, even blood relations—none of these guaranteed understanding.
Just as his parents and sister had failed to understand him, despite a lifetime
together, love required no such prerequisites.
“Do you know what I need when I catch a cold?”
he asked suddenly.
She looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"Mother and you are alike,"
Matsushita said, his voice steady but full of emotion. "If I were sick,
you’d both search tirelessly for the most effective medicine for me. But even
if I didn’t take it and were to die the next day, what I would truly want is
someone to stay by my side. Someone to hold me and tell me, ‘It’s going to be
okay.’ That’s what he understands. He knows how lonely and fragile I can be.
Even this morning, when he stood up to you, it wasn’t because he likes
confrontation—he hates it. He did it for me because he knows I can’t handle it.
He always thinks about me. And I can’t lose him.”
“Stop saying such pathetic things. You’re too
old for this,” his sister sighed in exasperation.
“I won’t lie to you either,” she continued.
“The truth is, I don’t want to deal with the reality of a family member being
gay. I can’t even bear to imagine it.”
Her words stabbed deeply into Matsushita’s
chest.
“You used to be my pride,” she said, her voice
cold. “You were smart, kind… Even when you didn’t become a doctor, I could
still take pride in that. But not anymore.”
“I haven’t changed,” Matsushita countered.
“I’ve always been indecisive and timid. If anything’s changed, it’s your
perception of me.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she admitted reluctantly.
“But I want to change,” Matsushita said firmly.
At the very least, he thought, I want to have the courage to protect the
person I love.
His sister pressed her forehead as though
exhausted and muttered, “Do whatever you want,” as if relinquishing the
argument altogether.
By the time Matsushita returned to the
apartment complex, delayed by traffic, it was past 8 PM. When he opened the
front door, the apartment was pitch dark. A flash of panic struck him—had he
left? But when Matsushita turned on the entryway light, he saw Kadowaki’s shoes
neatly placed by the door. He let out a breath of relief.
He turned on the lights as he made his way
through the apartment, one room at a time. Finally, he found him in the living
room, sitting on the sofa, staring out the window, just as he had been that
morning.
Even as the room grew brighter, he didn’t turn
around. His gaze remained fixed, empty, as if his mind were far away in another
world.
“Kadowaki,” Matsushita called softly.
It took a moment, but eventually, he turned.
When he did, Matsushita saw the tears streaking his face and the raw panic in
his expression. Without thinking, he rushed forward and pulled him into a tight
embrace.
“You don’t have to apologize for not making
dinner,” Matsushita said, preempting any explanation. The cold kitchen had
already told him enough. “You don’t need to apologize for anything. From the
start, you’ve never needed to do anything in this house—not cooking, not cleaning,
not laundry. You don’t have to do any of it.”
He felt Kadowaki’s fingers trembling against
his back.
“When it got late and you didn’t come home,” Kadowaki
murmured, his voice breaking, “I thought you’d finally had enough and left me.”
Matsushita’s heart ached at the words. “Why
would you think that?” he wanted to shout. How could he even imagine such a
thing? Yet the moment he thought it, Kadowaki’s words from before came back to
him—the ones about feeling as though he were in a one-sided relationship. That
feeling of loving but not being understood.
Matsushita looked at him carefully now, truly
looked at him. How could I have been so blind? he thought. I’ve been
hearing his words but not listening to them. He’s been afraid, and I didn’t
believe him. We’re walking this path of love together, yet I convinced myself
that I was the only one feeling insecure.
He tightened his embrace, as if to make up for
all the times he hadn’t truly understood.
"...I'm sorry."
At first, Matsushita didn’t understand what he
was apologizing for. But as Kadowaki repeated it over and over, Matsushita
finally asked, "Why are you apologizing?"
"I said terrible things to your
sister," he replied, his face pale and drawn.
"My sister?" Matsushita asked,
confused.
"Your sister loves you very much," he
continued, his voice shaking. "When it was just the two of us, all she
talked about was you. She said you were brilliant and kind, even as a child.
She said you set such a high bar that no one she dated ever seemed interesting
in comparison. I heard all of that, and yet..."
"You spoke up because I couldn’t,"
Matsushita said gently.
But he shook his head vigorously, pulling away
from Matsushita’s touch. "No, that's not it. I’m selfish... so
selfish..."
Kadowaki crouched down, clutching his head in
both hands. His voice trembled.
"I’m so selfish, I can’t stand
myself..."
Still pale, he hung his head.
"I can’t think clearly, can’t organize my
thoughts," Kadowaki said, his voice breaking. "I couldn’t make sense
of what was happening then, and I can’t make sense of what’s happening now. I
don’t know how to act in a way that’s best for you. I hurt your family, and
even so, I keep asking myself—am I someone who deserves to stay by your
side?"
Kadowaki kept repeating, I don’t know, I
don’t know, his voice filled with despair.
"When I decided to come to Kobe," Kadowaki
said, "I told my family everything. I said grad school was just an excuse
and that I was coming here because I was in love—with a man. My father told me
never to come back. My mother cried. I thought, after that, that there wouldn’t
be anyone left for me to hurt... but now..."
Matsushita stood frozen. He had always been too
afraid to touch this part of him. Too afraid of what lay beneath—the
possibility that Kadowaki would regret leaving his family behind.
He had only ever looked at the surface of
him—the kindness, the calm exterior—and had failed to see the deep turmoil that
lay underneath. All the while, Kadowaki had been protecting Matsushita from so
much—from the pain, the conflict.
And yet, what had Matsushita done for him in
return?
He knelt down and spoke clearly, his voice
steady but filled with emotion. "I need you."
Kadowaki looked up, startled, his body
trembling.
"I don’t care what anyone else says. I
need you—absolutely, without question."
Matsushita wrapped his arms around him, holding
him tightly. Stroking his head, he tried to comfort him as he sobbed,
overwhelmed by his own confusion and pain.
For the first time, Matsushita realized he had
been looking at only a part of the man he loved. And now, he resolved, he would
embrace all of him—the pain, the uncertainty, and the love that bound them
together.
"You can lie to me if you want. You can
deceive me, be cowardly, or selfish—it’s all fine. So, please, don’t force
yourself. You don’t have to try to be honest for my sake. If you want to say
that having a boyfriend was a lie and return to your family, that’s okay too.
Something like that won’t break me. Don’t just spoil me—let yourself be spoiled
too. I might not be the most dependable man, but I’ll do my best to support
you."
Matsushita hesitated before continuing. He
debated whether to say the next words or not. Once spoken, they couldn’t be
taken back. If the day ever came when those words were thrown back at him, he
would have no choice but to accept them. But he pushed past his doubts,
steeling his fragile heart. He resolved to strive, to ensure he wouldn’t be
cast aside, to keep their bond strong.
"And if one day you grow tired of me, or
if you fall in love with someone else, don’t hesitate to leave me. You don’t
need to worry about what happens after. You have every right to that
freedom."
He held the trembling Kadowaki close. The
warmth of his body was both a comfort and a source of resolve, urging
Matsushita to be strong enough to uphold what he had just promised.
"Don’t keep your feelings bottled up—say
whatever you’re thinking. Get angry, yell if you need to. Even if I end up
crying or sulking, don’t let that hold you back. If there’s something wrong,
let’s work through it together and find a solution. I want to be with you for
as long as possible."
Kadowaki said something, but his voice was too
quiet for Matsushita to catch. When Matsushita asked him to repeat it, he
simply shook his head and buried his face in Matsushita’s chest. Matsushita
thought he might have said, "I want all of your future," but there
was no way to confirm.
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