About Love: Chapter 21

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Sasagawa still sent emails every day. Even after abruptly hanging up in frustration, the next day, he messaged as if nothing had happened—polite and composed as always.

But the daily phone calls became once every three days.

And when Asaka called, wanting to hear his voice, Sasagawa wouldn't pick up. Instead, he would later send a proper email apologizing: "Sorry, I couldn’t answer the phone."

He never suggested meeting up. And since Asaka knew how busy he was, he couldn’t bring himself to ask either.

I’d like to see him at least once before he moves...

That thought lingered, and before he knew it, September had arrived.

Asaka had asked him early on for his new address, but Sasagawa only sent it after the move was completely finished.

At first, Asaka was annoyed—had he forgotten? But then he considered that maybe, for Sasagawa, this was "early." So he held back his complaints.

Besides, after three days without a call, he didn’t want to ruin the mood by starting a fight.

"The place I moved into is just a six-mat room with a tiny kitchen and a unit bath. It was originally for students, so it’s pretty cramped. But it looks easy to clean, and for someone living alone, this much space is plenty. It’s out in the countryside, though, so even the nearest convenience store is far away."

"Then I guess there aren’t many izakayas either?"

"Not many. But I did find one place with a nice atmosphere."

"Then take me there sometime."

"Sure, when you come visit—"

Asaka trailed off, flipping through his planner.

"Sasagawa-san, when’s your next day off?"

"Same as always, Saturday and Sunday."

"Is it okay if I come visit this Saturday?"

"Saturday?"

"Is that inconvenient?"

"No, it's just... Aren’t you working? I thought September was a busy season for you."

"I’ll take the day off. It’s a Saturday, but there's no wedding scheduled, so I’m free. We haven’t seen each other in half a month, right? I was thinking it'd be nice to have a meal together. But if you already have plans with someone else, I won’t push."

"I don’t have any plans, but..."

His response was hesitant. If this went on, they’d get nowhere.

"Then I’ll come. I’d like to see the town where you spent your student days."

"Ah, right... okay."

Despite his reluctance, Asaka pushed the plan through. Right after the call, he felt satisfied—he had secured a meeting, after all. But as time passed, anxiety crept in.

Was he being a bother?

It was clear from Sasagawa’s tone that he wasn’t particularly excited. Maybe he had wanted to spend his rare day off alone.

Asaka considered sending a message: If you have something to do on Saturday, you don’t have to force yourself...

But he stopped himself. If he sent that, Sasagawa might actually cancel.

Even if Sasagawa wasn’t thrilled about it, Asaka wanted to see him. And once they met, maybe this nagging feeling in his chest would finally go away.

Saturday finally arrived, bringing clear skies.

Despite going to bed late the night before, Asaka woke up at seven. He took a morning bath, had a solid breakfast, and left home a little after nine.

The meeting time was eleven.

Since it was a Saturday, there wouldn't be much traffic, so he should arrive with plenty of time.

Sure enough, the roads were clear, and the car cruised smoothly along.

Even in September, the heat was hardly different from midsummer. The sun blazed harshly through the windshield.

As he neared the coast, he deliberately turned off the air conditioning and rolled down the windows.

The warm air rushed in, but the scent of the sea made it bearable.

He arrived at the bookstore ahead of schedule—an hour and fifteen minutes in total.

After turning off the engine, he headed straight inside. He thought about sending Sasagawa a message, but it felt like it would pressure him to hurry, so he decided against it.

Sasagawa knew Asaka’s car. If he didn’t see him inside, he’d come looking in the bookstore.

Asaka purchased one magazine each from the women's and men's sections.

Only ten minutes remained until their meeting time. He could sit in his car and read, but with the heat, that didn’t seem appealing.

As he hesitated near the weekly magazine rack by the entrance, pacing idly, he noticed a tall figure approaching beyond the automatic doors.

Flustered, Asaka hurried out of the store. Their eyes met, and Sasagawa gave a small nod.

He wore a simple shirt and jeans, his style relaxed. Squinting slightly against the bright sunlight, he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

Just watching that casual motion made Asaka’s heartbeat quicken.

"It’s been a while."

It had been nearly a month since they last saw each other.

Asaka smiled slightly, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"Yeah, it really has."

Sasagawa seemed a little tanned.

"It’s hot again today. The sun through the windshield was unbearable."

"It’s like this now, but they said it might get cloudy by evening."

A bead of sweat trickled down Sasagawa’s forehead.

"You drove here, right? You can’t leave your car in the bookstore parking lot for too long, so would you mind coming to my apartment? You can park there, and then we’ll take my car. Just follow me."

Asaka trailed behind Sasagawa’s car. Once they left the main road, the number of shops dwindled.

He recalled Sasagawa mentioning that even the nearest convenience store was far away.

They passed through a narrow road, a residential area along the mountain’s edge, until a school came into view—a high school, it seemed.

Sasagawa pulled over on the road behind the school and said, "Park in spot number 3."

Asaka followed his instructions, pulling into a gravel lot marked by a simple sign with the number 3.

"This is my apartment."

The building Sasagawa pointed to was plainly built, unmistakably meant for students, and visibly old.

"Looks pretty rundown, huh? But it’s free, so I can’t complain."

Asaka, staring up at the apartment, received a sheepish smile from Sasagawa.

"I’d like to see the inside. Would it be a bother if I came in?"

Sasagawa shook his head.

"I just moved in, so it’s still messy..."

Just like before, he refused to let Asaka see his room.

But this time, Asaka was determined to get inside.

"The drive was long, and I’m a little tired. I’m thirsty too. Would it be okay if I took a short break?"

Sasagawa hesitated, but maybe "tired" was the key—after a moment, he murmured, "Alright, come in."

As he ascended the iron stairs, his head tilted downward, Asaka swallowed hard.

Taking a break—that was just an excuse to see the room.

But Sasagawa could easily take it another way.

In fact, he might already be thinking that.

The thought made Asaka’s pulse race, leaving him uneasy. Even though he was the one who asked to go up, he suddenly felt both an urge to run away and an equal desire not to.

He clenched his fists.

It had been a long time since he’d felt this way—probably not since his second year of high school, when he first visited a girlfriend’s room.

Sasagawa’s room was exactly as he had described—a cramped six-tatami one-room apartment.

A futon was laid directly on the wooden floor. A small table and a basic storage unit sat nearby. The kitchenette looked like an afterthought.

But one thing was different from his claim—it wasn’t messy at all. In fact, there was so little in the room that it was impossible for it to be cluttered.

Avoiding the futon, Asaka sat cross-legged on the floor by the table.

Sasagawa poured bottled tea into a clear glass and placed it in front of him.

"This isn’t messy at all."

Sasagawa gave a wry smile.

"I shoved all the small stuff into the closet. If you open the door, it’ll probably all come crashing down."

Asaka chuckled.

"Sounds like my place."

The glass was filled to the brim. The conversation tapered off. The window was shut tight. Sasagawa had turned on the air conditioning. As the silence stretched on, Asaka felt a growing sense of unease.

If it continued like this, it felt like things would naturally lead to sex.

Not that he intended to refuse. He had showered that morning. He had condoms and lube tucked inside his second bag. He was fully prepared.

And yet…

The low hum of cold air pouring from the AC filled his ears.

Sasagawa reached out his arm, and Asaka tensed, bracing himself for what might come next.

But Sasagawa simply grabbed the bottle of tea from the table and poured himself another glass.

"Would you like some too, Asaka-san?"

He hadn’t really wanted any, but reflexively answered, "Yes."

The golden-hued tea filled his glass.

"So, how’s that new guy doing?" Sasagawa asked, almost absentmindedly.

"He’s doing alright. I’ve assigned him a client, just one for now, but…"

He trailed off.  But Sasagawa, of course, followed up.

"But…? Something wrong?"

Asaka had made a habit of avoiding talk about his same-sex clients.

Thinking about his own situation made it feel awkward somehow. But at the same time, part of him was curious about how Sasagawa would react.

"The client is a male couple," he said, watching Sasagawa’s face carefully, not wanting to miss his reaction.

As expected, Sasagawa inhaled sharply, startled.

"This is the first time we’ve had a couple like that at Dragée, so everyone was a bit unsure about how to handle it. But in the end, we decided to treat it as a kind of test case, and my junior and I were assigned to them."

"I see…"

Sasagawa took a sip of his tea, then wiped his forehead, despite the chilled air in the room.

"To be honest, it’s complicated for me," Asaka admitted. "Considering my own situation… But the clients are incredibly serious about it. So I feel like I have to face their feelings with the same sincerity."

"How old are they?"

"Twenty-five and twenty-nine. Apparently, they’re legally married. The younger one is a salaryman, and the older one is an editor at a publishing house. The older one said he’s even come out at work."

"That’s… enviable," Sasagawa murmured.

Enviable, huh.

Asaka wasn’t sure what exactly Sasagawa meant.

Was he referring to their courage in coming out? Their legal marriage? Their wedding itself?

And then, for the first time, Asaka wondered—what would happen to them?

If their relationship deepened, if it lasted a long time…

Would he start to want to come out, to adopt Sasagawa’s surname, to have a wedding?

It didn’t seem likely.

Asaka had no desire to tell his family, his friends, or his coworkers. He would rather keep it a secret for the rest of his life than deal with the friction that would come from saying it out loud.

Compared to that couple, was he just being cowardly?

Was he running away?

He had been the one to bring up the topic, hoping to hear Sasagawa’s thoughts. But now, he regretted it.

And just as Asaka was regretting bringing up the topic—despite having wanted to hear Sasagawa’s thoughts, to know his feelings—Sasagawa spoke.

"Are those two having their ceremony at a church? And a reception too?"

"Yeah. They've already reserved both the restaurant for the reception and the church."

"There are churches that handle ceremonies like that?"

Asaka gave a wry smile.

"It was tough. That was the biggest hurdle. But a church we’ve worked with before agreed to do it. My junior partner, too—after interacting with the clients, I think he really started to feel a sense of responsibility. He’s been working hard. I thought it might be too soon to let him handle the planning, but it turns out it was the right decision."

"People grow day by day, huh… That’s nice. I feel like I’m just retreating further and further."

Sasagawa let out a self-deprecating laugh.

"You’re not done growing either, Sasagawa-san."

"I’m already past thirty. Seeing my old classmates only makes me feel it more."

"I think you're a solid guy, Sasagawa-san."

At that, Sasagawa shrugged.

"You know better than anyone, Asaka-san. I rushed into a reckless marriage, and even though I agreed to it, my wife still left me behind. I hit rock bottom, nearly drank myself into oblivion. I’m not strong, and I’m not put together."

Sasagawa glanced down at his tea.

"That man… the one who came out to everyone—he’s admirable. I could never do something like that."

"I think he’s admirable too, but… I don’t know. I feel like his situation is different from ours."

"It’s the same, isn’t it?"

"Not exactly. His environment, his job—everything’s different from ours."

Sasagawa murmured, "I suppose so."

But it felt like he was just saying that to go along with Asaka’s words. Like he had backed down rather than actually agreeing.

Asaka couldn't bring himself to press further. An awkward silence settled between them.

Then, suddenly, the shrill sound of a ringtone cut through the air.

Sasagawa quickly answered, muttered, "Sorry, just a moment," and stepped out of the room.

Left alone, Asaka exhaled. He hadn't expected the conversation about that client to make things feel so heavy.

Did Sasagawa want to come out about their relationship?

As he brooded over it, a shiver ran down his spine. The AC was too strong. He stood and looked around.

Might as well use the bathroom. It was a unit bath.

Asaka took the opportunity to glance around—it was interesting to see someone else’s place.

There was nothing unnecessary. It was the epitome of a man’s room. His eyes drifted downward, and something near the sink caught the light.

By the drain, something glinted. He picked it up. A delicate earring with a small dangling diamond.

Undoubtedly a woman’s.

Who…?

The first person that came to mind was Sasagawa’s beautiful wife.

But she had already left their apartment, and they were on the verge of divorce. Would she have come all the way to Sasagawa’s new place, in another city?

Unlikely.

Then again, maybe she had visited to discuss the divorce. It could also belong to a family member or acquaintance. But the design wasn’t something an older woman would wear—so it probably wasn’t his mother’s.

And Sasagawa had no sisters.

High school friends? No—he had attended an all-boys school.

University? That had been out of the prefecture.

Asaka stepped out of the bathroom, still holding the earring.

Sasagawa was still outside, talking.

Asaka took a sip of his now-lukewarm tea.

It still seemed most likely that it belonged to Sasagawa’s wife. But even if she had come here, it didn't mean anything. Even if Sasagawa still had lingering feelings for her, she was already with someone else. So, in the end, an earring left in the bathroom wasn’t really a big deal.

The sound of the front door opening.

Sasagawa was finally back.

"Sorry about that. A friend who lives nearby asked if I could meet up, and it took a while to turn him down."

Sasagawa sat down across from Asaka.

"I used your bathroom earlier."

"Ah, of course. Feel free anytime..."

"This was under the sink."

Asaka held out the earring.

He didn’t want to sit and stew over something as trivial as a lost item. If it belonged to Sasagawa’s wife, he wanted Sasagawa to just say so. If there was nothing to hide, he’d say it clearly.

But the moment Sasagawa saw the earring in Asaka’s hand, his face went deathly pale.

"A-ah… sorry…"

His fingers trembled as he took the earring and, in a stiff motion, set it down on the TV stand. Something felt off.

"Who does it belong to?"

Without meeting Asaka’s gaze, Sasagawa tilted his head. "Who knows…"

"It looks like it belongs to a woman."

"I wouldn’t know."

"You’ve had so many women over that you can’t keep track?"

Sasagawa fell silent for a moment before finally answering.

"No… just one."

"Then it must be hers. She might be looking for it. Good thing it turned up."

Asaka kept his voice deliberately light, but Sasagawa didn’t respond.

"Is it your wife’s?"

"It’s not my wife’s."

"Then… a friend from university?"

"No. I think… it probably belongs to someone I met through a friend after I was transferred here."

"Oh, I see."

Asaka nodded, but inside, he was rattled.

A woman introduced through a friend—so she was probably suggested to Sasagawa as a potential match. That friend must have known about Sasagawa’s failing marriage, known he was living apart from his wife and on the verge of divorce. Maybe they were trying to be considerate.

Sasagawa wouldn’t have been able to say he was dating a man, so he must have gone along with it, unable to refuse.

But would he have invited a woman into his apartment if he had only met her once to turn her down?

Even if nothing physical happened, Asaka couldn’t imagine Sasagawa cheating while they were together. Even so, he had to ask.

The unease in Sasagawa’s demeanor made it impossible to ignore.

"You’re not… dating her, right?"

Sasagawa should have denied it immediately. But he didn’t.

Asaka clenched his fists, sweat dampening his palms.

"When I got here, a friend told me, ‘There’s someone nice I’d like you to meet.’ I refused at first… but they kept insisting, so I agreed to meet her just once. She was a very pleasant person. We had dinner together a few times, but that’s all."

His mind wavered between belief and doubt.

Sasagawa wasn’t good at being alone—he probably just wanted someone around. Maybe she was just a friend.

…But Asaka knew that was wishful thinking. A grown man and woman don’t stay ‘just friends’ for long.

"Are you dating her?"

He asked again. Sasagawa didn’t answer. That silence meant he wasn’t willing to deny it.

Asaka clenched his jaw and stood abruptly.

Ignoring Sasagawa’s voice calling after him, he bolted out of the room, down the iron staircase, each step clanging loudly beneath his feet. He was just about to jump into his car when Sasagawa caught his arm.

"Wait—please, wait! Listen to me!"

Asaka glared at him.

Sasagawa’s face looked on the verge of tears.

"I have my own reasons for this," he pleaded.

Asaka scoffed, deliberately snorting.

"Yeah? Your ‘reasons’ being that a future with a man is a dead end, so you’re switching back to women?"

"That’s not it!"

"Then what the hell is it?!"

Shoving Sasagawa away, Asaka jumped into his car. He slammed the door shut and tore onto the road at reckless speed.

His phone rang when he reached the bookstore where he was supposed to meet him, but he shut it off without a glance.

On the single-lane road, he weaved past car after car, as if in a high-speed chase. Eventually, exhaustion took over, and he pulled into a park along the coast.

Leaning against the steering wheel, he bit his lip.

Through the windshield, the blazing sun beat down, boiling his fury all over again.

Sasagawa had been distant. He had been avoiding him. Asaka had noticed. He had noticed, but he couldn't understand why Sasagawa was acting that way.

Even if he was being avoided, he still wanted to see him. He still wanted to talk.

...Because he loved Sasagawa.

Sasagawa had been the one to say he loved him. He had been the one to make the first move. He had been the one so completely consumed by Asaka.

When had those eyes lost their fascination with him?

Was he going to be dumped?

Would he be cast aside at the peak of his feelings, still burning with love, only to be unceremoniously discarded?

He had steeled himself for this, even going so far as to take a morning bath to prepare.

The items he had packed—things he had brought because it was Sasagawa—now made him feel sick.

A crushing pain squeezed his chest. Even with his eyes closed, tears spilled over. His hands tightened around the steering wheel, teeth clenched so hard his jaw ached. A deep, guttural sob wrenched itself from his throat.

Frustration.

Heartache.

Emptiness.

His mind was on the verge of unraveling.

If Sasagawa had fallen out of love, he should have just said so. There was no need for this slow, painful distancing.

If he had simply said there was someone else, Asaka would have given up. Even if he couldn’t accept it, he would have tried to.

Between a man and a woman, he had known from the start that he never stood a chance. Even if he loved him—no matter how much he loved him—

This wasn’t something he could talk to anyone about.

No one would listen.

No one would understand.

The anger and sorrow that threatened to erupt from every pore in his body—

What was he supposed to do with it?

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