Second Serenade: Chapter 29

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He had been fine when he was alone. Breaking up was easy. Just say "We won’t see each other again," and that would be the end of it. He had thought he only needed to never come back here again.

But now, face to face with Hashimoto, a timid part of him he hadn’t even realized was there crept up his throat like a squirming insect, making it difficult to speak the words he had planned.

“I was worried about you. You looked completely pale when you left that day, after hearing what I had to say.”

Hashimoto leaned in, peering at Kakegawa’s face as if genuinely concerned. It had been two days since he heard about the marriage when he finally worked up the nerve to come to Hashimoto’s apartment. He’d intended to bring up the breakup right away, standing there in the entryway, but he couldn’t get the words out. Hashimoto had taken him by the arm and pulled him into the room.

“I got some really good coffee beans. Want to try some?”

He seated Kakegawa at the counter table and, putting on a falsely cheerful tone, began boiling water.

“I’m breaking it off.”

Kakegawa said it without looking at his face.

“Carrying on after you’re married doesn’t feel right. And I don’t want to hear about your wife or kids once you're married. Besides, if we kept this going and she somehow found out about me, she’d be hurt. I can’t take responsibility for that.”

It wasn’t a lie. He meant every word. But Hashimoto furrowed his brows, his expression one of dissatisfaction. Without saying anything, he brought the coffee cup to his lips again and again from across the counter. When it was empty, he got a beer from the fridge, opened it, took a sip while standing, then tilted his head.

“Well, I suppose it is about time. If you’re that set on it, let’s end things. I don’t really mind.”

So casually spoken. The bitter taste of unfinished coffee returned to his tongue.

“There’s no need to force it. Just do what you want.”

The breakup Kakegawa had initiated came right back at him, word for word.

“Do what I want…”

He started to echo the words but choked on them. If he said they were breaking up, that would be it.

“I don’t…”

It wasn’t that he wanted to break up. That thought came to him but vanished just as quickly. If Hashimoto hadn’t said anything about getting married, he never would’ve considered ending it. The words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t decide. When he hesitated and looked up, he saw Hashimoto smiling faintly.

“Don’t force yourself.”

Returning to the table, Hashimoto reached out and brushed Kakegawa’s cheek. It was one of his habits.

“Sometimes, I find you unbearably cute.”

He was still smiling.

“You can’t accept that I’m getting married, but you still like me too much to let go, right?”

Tears threatened to rise, but he held them back with all his strength. He didn’t want to cry—not over something like this. It wasn’t sadness. It was frustration. Bitter, seething frustration. He couldn’t forgive Hashimoto for smiling as he asked if he still liked him. I’m serious about this—so how can he smile at a time like this? It was incomprehensible.

“You don’t have to overthink it. You always think too much. If we get found out, we get found out. Though of course, I have no intention of letting that happen.”

If we get found out, we get found out. There was no way Hashimoto would just shrug it off if things actually got exposed. If it went badly and his wife found out, he’d definitely place the blame on his lover first.

He’d resent ever having met him, regret not breaking up when he should’ve, and dump the entire burden on him. Kakegawa could already see it playing out, frighteningly clearly.

His chin was tilted up. As those soft lips sucked at his own, he thought: We have to break up.

For the sake of the woman who would become Hashimoto’s wife—

For Hashimoto—

And, more than anything, for himself.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

A body he’d grown used to holding. His first man, someone he’d known nothing about—now, looking back, it felt like he'd been molded to suit Hashimoto’s tastes.

He didn’t want to think about anything in the middle of it. Knowing this would be the last time made even the touch of a finger tracing his skin feel unbearably tender. Again and again, he stopped himself from moving. He wanted to make it last, to stretch the moment out as long as possible. But there were limits. An end always came.

Afterward, when Hashimoto was lying beside him with a satisfied look on his face, eyes closed and drifting into sleep, he reached out and gently stroked his cheek. He kissed him, then shook him awake—half forcibly.

“We’re breaking up.”

Hashimoto’s eyes, still heavy with sleep, looked ready to shut for good.

“Fine, do what you want,” he said carelessly, shaking his head as if to say he was too tired for this, then gave a small yawn.

“I won’t call you. I won’t come here. Even if it’s hard at first, I’ll get used to it. Eventually, I’ll forget.”

“You’re still saying that?” came the reply, exasperated.

Hashimoto rubbed his body against Kakegawa’s like a cat, snuggling up with a show of affection.

“You really think you can stay away from me?”

How could he be so sure? Even Kakegawa hadn’t known he’d feel this way. How could Hashimoto claim to know it with such confidence?

“Why?”

The question came out sounding pitiful.

“I can tell just by looking at you.”

His voice was full of certainty as he gazed steadily into Kakegawa’s eyes.

“You’re selfish, you know. Why can’t you be satisfied with the way things are? I like you, and I plan to keep seeing you as much as I reasonably can. You haven’t realized how lucky you were from the beginning, have you? The odds that I’d agree to sleep with a younger guy I wasn’t even into—just because he looked good—and keep it going? One in a hundred, maybe.”

“But—”

Kakegawa started to say something, but Hashimoto cut him off with a heavy sigh.

“You say you want to break up because it’s not fair to my family. But is that really it? Isn’t it just that you want me all to yourself? I can understand that kind of sentimentality. And sure, your selfishness is kind of cute. But don’t you think it’s time you grew up a little? Wanting to have me all to yourself is just ego. It’s your convenience. I have my own life. I don’t need to be tied down by you.”

…There was nothing he could say back.

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