Smiling at the Moon: Extra 2

 As a side note, these two extras were published at the end of "Ashen Moon: Volume 1", but since they are not related to Soichi and Kato, I decided to include them in "Smiling at the Moon: Part 2" instead. 

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Smiling at the Moon: New Year's Eve Edition

It was past 9 PM when I left Ryota's house on New Year's Eve.

"Why don't you stay the night, bro? Isn't Michan going back to his parents' house tonight?" Ryota had tried to persuade me to stay, but I declined. I felt it would be too presumptuous to stay the night after already having dinner there.

Inside the house, I hadn't realized how cold it was outside. The air was freezing, cold enough to make my breath frost. Snow— the snow I despise— was falling lightly. Yamada Shinji shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and wandered down the dark street. There were more cars than expected, probably people heading to New Year's shrine visits.

After walking for about thirty minutes, my entire body was chilled by the time I saw my old, dilapidated house. Opening the poorly fitting sliding door and stepping inside, it was just as dark and cold as outside.

I went to the living room and immediately lit the kerosene stove. I turned on the kotatsu and stuck my feet under it, but it took time to warm up. I couldn't bring myself to take off my jacket. I turned on the TV, even though I had no intention of watching it. Resting my face on the kotatsu table, I listened absently to the loud, boisterous sounds from the TV.

This year, Michihiko and I had returned home together for the year-end. He didn't get along well with his father and was reluctant to go home. When I told him, "You can only be a good son while they're still alive," he fell silent. Eventually, I admitted I wanted to return to my countryside home too, and he reluctantly agreed to the visit. He was probably watching the same program with his parents by now.

My gaze fell on the adjoining room, where a futon was already laid out— Michihiko had prepared it during the day. The memory made me chuckle. We arrived yesterday, but Michihiko immediately started cleaning the house as soon as we got here. I helped wipe the windows and thought he was really like a housewife. We had been busy with shopping and other chores, leaving no time for sentimental thoughts.

Michihiko had marveled that the old house still had electricity and water. I told him it was because canceling the services when I moved out had been too much trouble, and the base charges were minimal, so I left them on autopay. But that wasn't the truth. I had left this house as a refuge, always ready for my return... in case things didn’t work out living with Michihiko in Tokyo.

The house held no fond memories for me. I kept it just because there was nowhere else to go. I remembered hitting my head on that pillar when my father beat me or having tea thrown in my face. My father was a violent drunkard, uncontrollable. The image of him clutching a liquor bottle, dead at the front door, flashed through my mind, and I closed my eyes.

I didn’t regret it. Thinking that if I had come home earlier, things might have been different... well, it's too late for that now.

The noise from the TV became irritating, so I turned it off. The ticking of the wall clock filled the silence. It had stopped working until Michihiko replaced the batteries.

The room was warming up, but I still felt cold— unbearably cold and lonely.

Michihiko would be back in the morning. We had plans to go to the shrine together. I glanced at the clock... If I slept, morning would come soon.

Since moving to Tokyo, I hadn't felt this kind of loneliness. The workplace was lively, and Michihiko was there when I came home. I was rarely alone.

I knew people needed other people to lean on, but now I felt weaker than before. Being alone in this house made me realize that what I took for granted wasn’t guaranteed.

Leaving the kotatsu, I went to the kitchen. I took a beer from the old fridge that had been there since my father's time and grabbed a bag of dried squid for snacks. I gulped down the beer and chewed on the tough squid. I tried to drown my loneliness in alcohol, but it only made me feel worse, and tears welled up in my eyes.

"Why is no one here?!"

I shouted, drinking, and fell asleep in the kotatsu, a mess of emotions.

...I woke up to a sensation of being shaken. I was falling, landing on something soft. Opening my eyes, I saw a dark figure looming over me.

"You're awake? If you're going to sleep, at least get in bed. You'll catch a cold sleeping in the kotatsu."

It was Michihiko's voice.

"...What time is it?"

"It's 11:45 PM."

"I'm glad I came back. Seeing the stove left on scared me. This house is full of gaps, but it could still lead to carbon monoxide poisoning."

"Yeah..."

"‘Yeah’ isn’t enough," he said, lightly tapping my head.

"Why did you come back?"

Yamada squinted at the glare of the fluorescent light.

"I was worried."

"Worried about the stove?"

Michihiko sighed.

"I thought you might be lonely."

My chest tightened. How could this man know what I was thinking?

"...Actually, I wanted to come back. It’s uncomfortable at my parents’ house."

Michihiko lay down beside me. I clung to his body, feeling the warmth and human shape next to me. As he patted my back soothingly, tears welled up again. I sought his lips, biting down on them. When Michihiko asked, "Are you drunk?" I didn't answer. If I said nothing, it would be taken that way, and that was fine. I didn’t want him to realize how much I was leaning on him. Though he had seen me at my lowest, I didn’t want him to see just how pathetic I was now.

"Drunk Shinji is so cute," he whispered. I thought he was a complete idiot, but he was the man I loved. We embraced as the New Year arrived. I hoped that the gloomy memories tied to this house would be replaced quickly by new, mundane ones with Michihiko.

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