Smiling at the Moon: Extra 1

As a side note, these two extras were published at the end of "Ashen Moon: Volume 1", but since they are not related to Soichi and Kato, I decided to include them in "Smiling at the Moon" instead. 

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Smiling at the Moon: Valentine's Edition

When he peeked into the bedroom, it was dim. The sheets on the bed formed a small mound. Kanou Michihiko sighed softly and stepped inside. It was dark outside, possibly because of the snow clouds, and opening the curtains did not change the room's brightness much.

He picked up the alarm clock, which seemed to have been thrown, and placed it back on the side table. He also turned off the air conditioner. He had left it on to keep the room warm in the morning, but the cozy environment was definitely delaying the wake-up process.

"Shinji, Shinji..."

He called out, but only got an annoyed groan in response. When he persistently shook the sheet-covered mound, the human-shaped mound resisted and wriggled. Eventually, unable to bear it any longer, it sat up abruptly.

"You're so annoying!"

Finally, Yamada Shinji appeared. His short hair was tousled as if blown by the wind from the right side, and he was shirtless, wearing only pants. Despite Michihiko's suggestion the previous night to wear something since it was cold, Shinji had just stuck to him and slept like that.

"I said I'm getting up!"

Shinji shouted, looking like a snarling dog. However, Michihiko hadn’t heard him say anything about getting up that morning. He was probably confusing it with yesterday or the day before. Shinji was always this bad at waking up, and it had become Michihiko’s routine to wake him up.

"It's already time. You have that costume event to go to this morning. You need to have breakfast properly, or you won't be able to move when you're hungry."

Resigned, Shinji’s slender body finally got out of bed. He scratched his bedhead vigorously and stretched his arms upward, the dragon tattoo on his back stretching with him.

"Once you get dressed, come to the living room. I'll have breakfast ready."

Michihiko left the bedroom after saying this. As he was serving rice at the dining table, Shinji appeared, now dressed in black sweats, and plopped into a chair with a sullen expression. When Michihiko placed a warm bowl of miso soup next to the rice, Shinji began to eat without saying a word of thanks.

"What time do you think you'll be back tonight?"

After a pause, Shinji responded with, "Seven."

"If you're going to be late, let me know. What would you like to eat tonight?"

"Curry."

That reply came quickly.

"Got it. I'll make something delicious."

Michihiko thought he saw a faint smile on Shinji's lips. After breakfast, he loaded the dishes into the dishwasher, pressed the start button, and took off his apron. He put on his black coat, wrapped a scarf around his neck, and grabbed his briefcase. While he was putting on his shoes at the entrance, Shinji, now wearing a parka over his sweats, walked down the hallway scratching his stomach. He slipped his bare feet into worn-out black sneakers.

"...What is it?"

Noticing Michihiko staring, Shinji turned around.

"We haven't kissed yet today."

At Michihiko's complaint, Shinji clicked his tongue and looked up, showing an annoyed posture. Michihiko hugged him and kissed him. His lips were soft and cold, and Michihiko sucked on them slightly. Such simple daily skinship always lifted his mood.

"Take care."

Michihiko stroked Shinji's slightly reddened cheek.

"...Take care? Aren't you leaving with me?"

"Well, yes. But once you're in the costume, you won't be able to see well. Be careful not to get hurt."

While talking, he felt reluctant to leave. After another quick kiss, he left the apartment with Shinji.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Michihiko worked at the Japanese branch of a major insurance company called "Bargains," headquartered overseas. His main job was to develop insurance products, making foreign insurance easier to use and sell in Japan. Unlike the sales department and retail stores, which mostly employed Japanese staff, the product development department had nine foreigners out of twenty-five employees.

Bargains, which entered the Japanese market six years ago, had a new office building with individual booths for seats. As Michihiko greeted his colleagues on his way to his desk on the seventh floor where the product development department was located, he was stopped by his senior, Hashizume Tomomi. She was two years older than twenty-four-year-old Michihiko and had been his trainer during his first year. Despite being scary when angry, she was a beautiful, straightforward woman.

"Here, take this."

Hashizume handed him three paper bags.

"What’s this?"

"Valentine's chocolates. From three of the Sales girls."

"Uh, I can't accept this."

Michihiko shook his right hand from side to side.

"I have a partner."

"I told them that," Hashizume said, frowning and putting her hands on her hips. "But they insisted on giving them to you anyway. So please, just accept them. Otherwise, it’ll be troublesome for me."

She forced the bags into his hands. Feeling troubled, Michihiko went to his booth. On his desk were five or six cute paper bags and small boxes, obviously Valentine's chocolates.

If it were direct, he could refuse on the spot, but this indirect method left him in a bind. It was hard to return the chocolates when delivered through others or left on his desk. He gathered the chocolates into a large paper bag with the company logo. Despite openly declaring he had a partner, Valentine's Day was not a simple event for him.

He didn’t want to take the chocolates home but felt guilty about throwing them away. Shinji would probably eat them without a second thought, even if they were from girls. Even at almost thirty, his boyfriend still had a sweet tooth.

Maybe Shinji would get jealous seeing the chocolates, thinking Michihiko was popular. Michihiko secretly wished for such a reaction.

Since last summer, Michihiko had been living with his four-year-older ex-yakuza boyfriend, Yamada Shinji. They had met when Michihiko was in the second year of junior high school and Shinji was eighteen. After Shinji saved him from being lynched by classmates, they became close. During those years, Michihiko had no friends and dreaded going to school. He hated the loneliness of being an outcast during breaks and lunchtime.

Looking back, Michihiko understood that his gloomy personality, reluctance to speak up, and stubbornness made him unappealing as a friend. But at that time, he lacked the perspective to see that.

Children, even without much understanding, have a sense of self and their own world. School occupied most of Michihiko's world, and he felt isolated in it. His parents, while guardians, were not understanding. He needed someone who could understand him at his level during that difficult time.

Though Shinji might not have been a perfect understanding figure, he could talk to Michihiko on equal terms and was kind in his own rough way. Despite being a yakuza, Shinji wasn’t a true villain. Michihiko deeply bonded with the teasing yet affectionate Shinji. Thanks to him, Michihiko survived those dark adolescent years.

Since junior high school, Shinji had taught Michihiko about intimacy, which continued through high school and college. By high school, Michihiko had wanted to be with Shinji, and by college, he clearly desired him.

Their relationship, more than friends but not quite lovers, lasted a long time. They could finally call themselves a couple with pride after Shinji quit the yakuza and was released from prison for a gun law violation last spring.

Living with someone he loved, watching them enjoy the food he made, and sleeping together felt like the ultimate happiness to Michihiko. He felt incredibly lucky to live with someone he loved so much.

When Shinji was a yakuza, Michihiko constantly worried about his safety. Shinji often did dangerous jobs and was targeted by others. But now, with Shinji having left that life, Michihiko only had to worry about their dinner plans.

Shinji still had the dragon tattoo from his yakuza days. They were always refused entry to public baths because of it. Initially, Michihiko disliked the tattoo, seeing it as a yakuza mark, but now he liked it. He enjoyed tracing the dragon's lines with his tongue, despite Shinji's protests. The way Shinji's face looked when he was aroused was incredibly sexy.

As Michihiko daydreamed about Shinji's seductive expressions, the sound of the office's starting music brought him back to reality.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

At 5 PM, Michihiko left the office early. The company had a no-overtime policy, allowing employees to leave as soon as their work was done. Although he finished his work by 4 PM, as a second-year employee, he felt hesitant to leave before his seniors. So, he spent the time preparing for the next day until 5 PM.

After a quick stop for some shopping, he returned to the apartment. The elevator was warm and comforting. The snow that had fallen the previous night had melted by the afternoon, but it was getting cold again as the sun set. A glance at his watch showed it was already past 6 PM. Since Yamada was expected home by 7 PM, Michihiko realized he might not have enough time to simmer the curry thoroughly. He considered buying a pressure cooker as the elevator reached the fifteenth floor.

Opening the door, he was puzzled to find the entrance lights on. Familiar black sneakers lay sideways on the floor, and he could hear the TV from down the hall. Hastily removing his shoes, he entered the house. Peeking into the living room, he saw Yamada sprawled out on the sofa, watching TV like a relaxed cat.

"I'm home."

Yamada glanced over and casually replied, "Welcome back."

"You're home early today."

"...Yeah."

"Dinner will be ready around seven."

"I don't care when it's ready."

Michihiko, carrying a bag of groceries, headed towards the kitchen connected to the living room. He then noticed a small brown rectangular box, tied with a blue ribbon, casually placed on the counter. He inspected the box from different angles, wondering if it was a Valentine's Day chocolate Yamada had bought for him.

"Um, Shinji."

Calling out eagerly, Yamada peeked over the back of the sofa.

"That brown box..."

"That’s mine."

Michihiko mumbled, "Oh, I see..." Yamada worked at a company called "Suda Heartfelt Services," which handled various tasks, from event assistance to night-time escapes, as long as they weren't illegal. It was a small company with five employees, all of whom were men. Michihiko couldn't imagine Yamada bringing home chocolates. Since they started living together, Yamada had never mentioned any female friends or acquaintances.

"Is that a Valentine's Day chocolate? Who gave it to you?"

Trying to sound casual, Michihiko asked. Without looking at him, Yamada snapped irritably, "Does it matter who?"

"I thought you'd tell me..."

Yamada abruptly sat up from the sofa, shouting, "You're so persistent!" Startled by his anger, Michihiko couldn't press further. However, Yamada's reaction only fueled his suspicions. If it meant nothing, Yamada would have easily said who gave him the chocolate. The fact that he didn't meant there might be something more. Michihiko chopped vegetables, making a curry filled with doubt.

While waiting for dinner, Yamada's mood seemed to improve. "This is really good," he said, helping himself to a second large serving of the seafood curry.

At bedtime, Yamada snuggled up to Michihiko, who was reading a book. Whether they did anything or not, they always slept close together. While this kind of intimacy reassured Michihiko that Yamada wasn’t cheating, he couldn’t stop worrying about it.

Despite Yamada's casual attire and unkempt hair, he could be quite attractive when he wanted to be. If women knew he was kind and a bit lonely, they wouldn't leave him alone.

All these thoughts were triggered by a single chocolate, and no matter how much Michihiko told himself not to worry, he couldn't help but think about it. He knew that if he pestered Yamada with "Who gave you that chocolate?" it would only sour his mood again.

"I got some chocolates at work too."

Changing tactics, Michihiko mentioned. Yamada only responded with a disinterested "Oh."

"I counted, and I got sixteen."

He exaggerated the number from twelve. Yamada propped himself up on his elbow, narrowing his right eye in irritation.

"...Are you trying to say you're more popular than me?"

"No, that's not it."

Yamada punched Michihiko in the side, making him yelp.

"That's exactly it. Just because you're a bit taller and have a good-looking face, don’t get cocky."

Hearing Yamada getting out of bed, Michihiko hurriedly grabbed his waist.

"Let go."

Yamada struggled within Michihiko's grasp.

"I'm not being cocky. Sorry... I didn't get sixteen. That was a lie. I didn't get any chocolates..."

Yamada stopped moving. Michihiko dragged him to the middle of the bed and hugged him, whispering apologies. Yamada complained, "Don't lie about dumb stuff."

"I'm sorry. I thought you wouldn't like it if I wasn't popular..."

Michihiko had given the chocolates to his friend Mori, who worked at a motor shop, on his way home, telling him to keep it a secret from Yamada.

Yamada reached out and tugged on Michihiko's ear. When he whimpered, "It hurts," Yamada’s eyes were laughing.

"There's no point in bragging to someone who’s seen every part of you, is there?"

Recalling embarrassing memories, Michihiko's face grew hot. Bringing it up at this age was unfair.

"That was... your fault..."

"Don't blame me, ChinChin-hiko."

Yamada had often called him that teasingly. Their first meeting left a strong impression since Michihiko was half-naked, bullied by classmates.

"Don't call me that."

"What, is it bothering you, ChinChin-hiko?"

Knowing it annoyed him, Yamada teased. Michihiko silenced him with a kiss, and as he repeated the action, his intentions shifted from silencing to something else entirely.

Their sweet, intimate exchanges echoed in the bedroom. After a long, intense kiss, Michihiko reached for the remote on the side table and raised the room temperature by four degrees. He slipped his fingers under Yamada's sweats, but Yamada grabbed his hand.

"...Not tonight?"

When Michihiko asked, Yamada gave him a wet, suggestive look.

"Don't hold back. We have tomorrow off anyway."

...Michihiko swallowed nervously.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

The next day, Michihiko woke up at 8 AM. Though he wanted to laze around in bed with Yamada until noon since it was a Saturday, the clear weather motivated him to do laundry and clean. Yamada wouldn’t be up until past noon and skipped breakfast, so Michihiko ate a simple breakfast of toast before heading to the laundry room. He sorted the laundry into colors and whites. He pulled out the sweats Yamada had worn the day before. Yamada’s clothes often had receipts or coins in the pockets. Sure enough, he found a small, sky-blue envelope the size of a business card.

It was addressed to "Mr. Yamada." Instantly, Michihiko thought of the chocolate with the blue ribbon. Despite their passionate lovemaking last night, the memory resurfaced.

The letter probably came from the same person who gave the chocolate. Michihiko hesitated but couldn’t resist opening it. Peeking into the hallway to make sure Yamada wasn’t up, he opened the envelope and pulled out a message card.

"I know you have a lover, but please accept this. It’s how I feel. Sae."

The short message conveyed a lot. Yamada had told the woman he had a lover, yet she still gave him the chocolate, and he accepted it.

This woman liked Yamada. If it were just a friendly gesture, she wouldn't have mentioned "lover." Yamada had mentioned his lover to dissuade her, so it wasn’t cheating. Michihiko decided to forget about the chocolates and letter, considering them insignificant.

He put the card back in the envelope, returned it to the pocket, and started the washing machine. The card was destined to get soaked and crumpled anyway. Michihiko vacuumed the living room, pushing thoughts of the chocolates and letter aside. He spotted Yamada’s smartphone on the table, left behind as if to taunt him.

Since he always left it lying around, it often went missing, and they frequently had to search the house for it. "You'll hear it when it rings," Yamada would say, making Michihiko call it more than once or twice.

Michihiko stopped the vacuum cleaner and picked up his boyfriend's smartphone. He then retreated to the kitchen, where he would be out of sight if Yamada came into the living room.

He knew the passcode—it was Michihiko’s birthday. Although he knew it was wrong, he couldn't resist the urge to peek. Seeing "Sae" among the message senders made his heart ache.

Sae had started emailing Yamada two months ago. Almost daily, she sent messages saying things like "Please listen to me" or "I want to see you." The latest message from yesterday read, "I'll be waiting outside the amusement park."

Michihiko couldn’t be sure if Yamada was cheating. Yamada's replies were curt, but they had met up, so maybe he wasn’t entirely indifferent. Michihiko read all the messages between Yamada and Sae before closing the phone. He’d been in love with Yamada for years, finally living together, and now he didn’t want to lose him to someone else, especially a woman. No matter how hard he tried, Michihiko could never have the large breasts Yamada liked or bear children. Yamada had chosen to be with him despite this, but...

He felt restless. He wanted to storm into the bedroom and demand, "Who is Sae?!" But he knew that if he did, Yamada would just get angry for snooping.

Around 10 AM, after finishing his cleaning and laundry, Yamada unusually woke up. He went to the bathroom to shave. Michihiko found it strange... Yamada then changed into jeans and a jacket, fixing his bedhead.

"I'm not having lunch," Yamada said, grabbing his phone from the living room and stuffing it into his jacket.

"Where are you going?" Michihiko's voice came out sharper than he intended. Yamada twisted his mouth in annoyance.

"Why are you nagging like a woman before her period?"

Being called a woman made Michihiko even angrier.

"Tell me where you're going!"

"None of your business!" Yamada snapped, leaving the apartment. Michihiko stood there, seething. Staying home would only make him more agitated. Unable to contain himself, Michihiko grabbed his coat, wallet, keys, and phone and rushed out. He couldn’t ask Yamada directly, but he could follow him to find out.

He spotted Yamada’s back near the park close to their apartment. Yamada turned right, walking slowly. Michihiko kept a safe distance, trailing him. A cold wind blew, making Michihiko pull his coat tighter. Yamada also hunched his shoulders against the wind. Despite Yamada's now-black hair, his short hair and blue jacket reminded Michihiko of when they first met.

In junior high school, Michihiko often followed Yamada like this. Yamada was a teenager then, but to a younger Michihiko, he seemed very grown-up. Now, Michihiko was taller, and Yamada seemed a bit smaller.

Yamada entered a subway station and boarded a train. Michihiko switched carriages, hiding in the connecting section to watch. Yamada got off at the third station, heading to a fast-food restaurant. It was a small place, so Michihiko couldn't enter without being noticed. Fortunately, Yamada sat by the window, making it easy to observe from outside.

About five minutes after Yamada sat down, a woman with long hair joined him. Michihiko couldn't see her face clearly, but he assumed this was Sae, the woman who had sent the messages and given Yamada chocolates despite knowing he had a partner.

Yamada and Sae talked while eating burgers for about an hour. Unable to stand just watching, Michihiko sent Yamada a message.

"I'm sorry about earlier. Will you be back by dinner?"

Suppressing his anger, he sent a meek message. After a short delay, Michihiko saw Yamada take out his phone. Within three minutes, Michihiko's phone buzzed.

"I’ll be back by one."

Michihiko was stunned. He expected Yamada to reply that he would be out until evening or night if he was on a date. By 12:30, Yamada left the restaurant and headed back to the subway. Considering the travel time, Yamada would be home by one if he didn’t make any stops.

Sae remained in the restaurant after Yamada left. If they had only had lunch, maybe they were just friends. A one-and-a-half-hour meeting at a fast-food place didn’t scream date. Even though Michihiko had confirmed Yamada met with a woman, he couldn’t confront Yamada without revealing he’d been stalking him. Yamada knew Michihiko’s personality was a bit obsessive, but he would definitely be exasperated if he found out about this. At worst, it could lead to a big fight.

Still, since he had come this far, Michihiko decided to see Sae's face clearly and understand her relationship with Yamada. Gathering his resolve, he entered the restaurant, bought a coffee, and approached Sae in the smoking area. From a distance, he had a bad feeling, which was confirmed up close—Sae was about Yamada’s age, very beautiful, and had large breasts. It was the worst-case scenario.

There was no way Michihiko could compete with her. As he stood there, defeated, Sae noticed him staring and asked, "Do you need something?"

Maybe he had stared too long. Although he was ready to confront her, face to face, he couldn’t find the words. Sae brushed her long, straight hair back.

"If you’re trying to hit on me, go somewhere else."

Under normal circumstances, being stared at by a stranger would seem like that.

"...Are you Sae?"

Sae responded with a dismissive snort.

"Are you pretending to know me?"

"No, I’m a friend of Shinji’s. I want to know about you."

Sae tilted her head.

"He was here a moment ago. He’s left now."

"Yes, I saw. I have some questions for you..."

Suddenly, something hit Michihiko's back—a young man, probably a college student. He glared at Michihiko as if to say, "Get out of the way or die."

"Why don't you sit down?" Sae suggested, gesturing to the seat across from her, where Yamada had sat.

"Who are you?" Sae asked, turning the tables.

"...Kanou Michihiko."

Sae rested her elbows on the table, interlocking her long, red-nailed fingers. Her nails were like weapons, adorned with sparkling gems.

"You look well-mannered. Your clothes are normal. You seem different from Yamada's usual friends."

She scrutinized Michihiko’s face. Intimidated by her presence, he finally asked, "What’s your relationship with Shinji?"

"Are you a detective? Is he involved in something illegal?"

Sae's expression changed. Michihiko hastily shook his head.

"No, I'm close with him from his time in the countryside. Now we live together here."

Sae blinked rapidly, then burst into laughter.

"Ah, um..."

Embarrassed, Michihiko noticed the other patrons glancing at them curiously.

"Why are you laughing?"

Still shaking with laughter, Sae said, "Is this a gay affair investigation?"

The accurate observation made Michihiko's face stiffen. He didn’t know how she guessed he was gay from just saying they lived together.

"Yamada told me he was living with a male friend but never mentioned your name. It seemed suspicious, but he didn’t act gay."

Sae leaned over the table, lowering her voice.

"You two are in that kind of relationship, aren’t you?"

Pressured, Michihiko couldn’t deny it and reluctantly nodded.

"That Yamada is gay is surprising enough, but that his partner is a cool guy like you is even more shocking. Such a waste. Wouldn't it be better if he were with a woman? But that's none of my business."

I was at a loss for words, overwhelmed by her blunt statements.

"There's nothing between Yamada and me, so you can relax. He's not my type anyway. We're just old acquaintances, and I sometimes introduce him to jobs."

"Jobs...?"

She took a cigarette from a case by the table and lit it. The smoke had a sweet scent.

"I used to be a dominatrix, so I have many acquaintances in the nightlife industry. A lot of those girls get into trouble with their clients or boyfriends. Since Yamada is an ex-yakuza, he's perfect for scaring off troublesome guys. For example, a girl fleeing from her abusive boyfriend asked Yamada to retrieve her belongings from her apartment. Most guys back off when faced with an ex-yakuza."

I believed her. She wasn’t lying, and she wasn’t having an affair with Yamada. But then, who was the "Sae" in the emails?

"Are you the jealous type, Kanou?" Her words made me flinch.

"If you doubt Yamada every time he meets a woman, you'll exhaust yourself. Don’t worry. He’s not the type to secretly cheat."

I understood that, but I couldn’t grasp why Yamada continued exchanging emails with Sae if he had no interest in her. If he couldn’t date her, he should have just rejected her outright.

"Shinji has been emailing with someone named Sae for a while."

"Maybe she's just a friend?"

"Shinji isn't encouraging her, but it's clear Sae likes him..."

She sighed. "How do you write Sae’s name?" I showed her the kanji in my phone’s notes. She shrugged. "I don't know anyone by that name. I did introduce a girl named Saya to Yamada for a moving job, though. Well, it was more like running away..."

She glanced at her watch. "I have to go. I have a date with my boyfriend."

I stood up too. Standing next to her, she looked up at me and said, "You’re tall."

She was wearing high-heeled boots, so there was less than a ten-centimeter height difference. "Have more confidence in yourself. And stop trailing people like a detective—it’s not cool. It knocks down your attractiveness by twenty percent."

Leaving me with that painful advice, she jogged across the street. A burly man was waiting for her, and they walked off hand in hand.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

As I left the subway station, snow was falling. I stopped by a convenience store midway between the station and our apartment, picking up some of Yamada’s favorite snacks. It was an obvious attempt to placate him, but it was better than doing nothing. I remembered how Yamada would buy me sweets when I was sulking. Now I understood that feeling very well.

"Have more confidence in yourself," I murmured, replaying her words in my mind. That might be the crux of the issue. If I were confident enough that no one else mattered to Yamada, I wouldn’t be so tense over the slightest hint of infidelity.

I started hearing comments like "you’re tall" and "handsome" towards the end of high school. My personality hadn’t changed, yet I suddenly became popular with girls. I knew it was only for my looks and thought it was silly.

Despite my appearance, I hadn’t matured internally. I had a job and fulfilled my societal duties, but I still felt the loneliness and sadness of those solitary school breaks deep down.

There was only one cashier in the convenience store, so I lined up behind a girl who looked like a high school student.

"Excuse me," she said to the cashier, "Is there a 'Grand Mansion' around here?"

The male cashier, probably in his twenties, glanced at me before replying lazily, "Sorry, I’m just a temp here and don’t know the area well."

"Oh, I see..."

"Maybe you could ask at the police station. Sorry, but there are other customers waiting."

She quickly turned and apologized to me before leaving the store. I wasn’t in a hurry, but it felt awkward that I might have helped drive her away.

Outside, she was leaning against the convenience store wall. She wore a white down jacket over a knit dress and beige boots. The pale colors made the dirt stand out. Her long hair reached her chest, and her cheeks were slightly red from the cold. She wasn’t wearing makeup, and her large eyes, paired with her thin frame, gave her a fragile appearance.

When our eyes met, she apologized again.

"Oh, don’t worry about it."

She approached me. "Are you from around here?"

"Yes."

She bowed slightly. "Could you tell me where the nearest police station is?"

"Are you going to Grand Mansion?"

Her large eyes widened in surprise.

"I overheard you in the store. I live there. Want me to show you the way?"

Her expression brightened. "Thank you," she smiled. We walked together. The snow was falling more heavily now, and the wind blew it sideways. Unsure of what to talk about with a high school girl, I stayed silent. But the silence became uncomfortable, so I asked, "Visiting a friend?"

She shook her head.

"Family, then?"

Another shake of the head. Though curious, I didn't press further. Whoever she was meeting wasn't my business.

"This area is full of narrow, winding streets, so it’s easy to get lost. If you get lost again, call the person you're visiting to come get you."

No response. Feeling ignored, I worried my advice was unwelcome. Then, she suddenly stopped. Tears welled up in her large eyes and began to fall.

"Hey, what’s wrong?"

She continued crying. Unsure of what to do, I led her to a nearby park and sat her on a bench. It was cold, so I bought her a hot tea from a vending machine.

"My phone got cut off because I couldn’t pay. It made me sad..."

She sniffled. She explained that her family was in debt, and she had no way to pay for the phone.

Living without a phone at her age was tough, isolating her from friends.

"You didn’t let them know you’re coming?"

She shook her head. She clutched the tea bottle without opening it.

"Why don’t you just go there and try? The mansion is right there."

She shook her head again.

"I only know the mansion name, not the room number."

"What?"

"They wouldn’t tell me the room number..."

Without the room number, she’d have to knock on every door, which was unrealistic in a 25-story building.

"I want to see them," she said, covering her face with her hands.

I couldn’t do much for her.

"I want to see Yamada," she sobbed.

I watched the snow accumulate on her hair.

"...Are you Sae?"

She looked up, eyes red from crying. "How do you know my name?"

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Yamada came home a little after five. The sound of the front door slamming shut was loud, but no footsteps entered the living room. Michihiko paused his dinner preparations and went to the bedroom. There, he found Yamada curled up in the sheets on the bed. Michihiko sat on the edge and spoke to the bundled-up figure.

"What did you talk about with Sae?"

"It's none of your business," came the muffled reply from beneath the sheets.

"It might not be, but I'm curious."

"You're so noisy. Shut up!"

Michihiko forcefully pulled the sheets off. Yamada, dressed in jeans and a jacket, glared at him like a curled-up cat.

"We're in a relationship," Michihiko reminded him slowly. "There's no way I wouldn't be curious about a girl who says she likes you coming to our house."

Still curled up, Yamada kicked Michihiko in the side with his right foot. It hurt because he didn’t hold back.

"Would it satisfy you if I told you I didn’t sleep with her? That's what you're worried about, isn’t it?"

"That’s part of it, but... it’s more about why you keep meeting her. If you know she likes you, giving her false hope is cruel."

"Who I meet and when isn’t your concern!"

"It is. I care. If you understand that we’re in a relationship, then you owe me an explanation to ease my worries."

"Duty? Who decided that?!"

He didn’t seem inclined to talk, but Michihiko was determined to make him. They faced each other on the bed, neither willing to give an inch.

"Do you prefer Sae? Are you going to break up with me and be with her?"

Yamada’s expression hardened like he had been plunged into icy water.

"It's not like that... I just..."

The confident words stuck in his mouth. Michihiko pressed on, despite knowing Yamada's feelings.

"If you want to break up, just say it. Tell me you don’t want to be with a guy anymore, that you’ve found someone else and want to leave me!"

Yamada grabbed a pillow and swung it at Michihiko, hitting him hard.

"If you hated it so much, you shouldn’t have let me go to the park!"

Michihiko snatched the pillow and threw it on the floor.

"But she was crying because she wanted to see you!"

"See! Even you couldn’t ignore her!" Yamada pointed at Michihiko.

"You couldn’t leave her alone either!"

Yamada's angry eyes were red and teary.

"I can’t just leave her alone!"

I hadn’t intended to make him feel guilty, but now it felt like I was the one being accused.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Sae was the younger daughter of the owner of a small factory who had helped with a night escape-like move. The woman at the fast-food restaurant had introduced the job. The name mentioned, Saya, was Sae's older sister.

Sae’s parents had fallen into debt and sold their factory, moving into a small apartment. Sae, having dropped out of high school, was living with her sister, who was also using most of her income to repay debts. Sae had started working last month.

"During the move, I didn’t talk to her much. I was busy with work, moving things. But I noticed she looked really down. Of course, she would be since she had to quit school and work because of her parents' debt," Yamada said, sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall, rubbing the sheets with his feet.

"When she was alone, I told her if someone like me, an ex-yakuza, could manage, so could she. Then she started crying, saying she didn’t want to move, didn’t want to quit school. She had a lot bottled up."

Michihiko sat beside him, shoulder to shoulder.

"She wanted someone to talk to, so I gave her my email. Since then, she occasionally contacted me, and we met up after work to talk."

And that’s how she had fallen for Yamada.

"She usually had a sad face, but she’d laugh when I said something stupid. I thought if I could cheer her up a bit, that was enough. Last week, she told me she liked me. I said it was a misunderstanding, but she cried, insisting she was serious. I might be childish, but she’s even younger, and she can’t tell the difference between liking someone and feeling lonely."

Yamada claimed her confession was a misunderstanding, but only Sae truly knew her feelings. Michihiko understood exactly how Sae felt about Yamada.

"She reminds me of you," Yamada muttered.

"She’s a girl, but she’s like you were in junior high school—dark, always crying, oddly attached to me. Just relying on someone like me shows she’s got problems."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" Yamada repeated, shrugging. "I’m an ex-yakuza with a criminal record. I’m not normal. But the fact that she has no one else to turn to is sad. Doesn’t she have any decent adults around her?"

"You’re decent."

The shoulder touching his trembled slightly.

"You work hard and live on your own earnings."

"You're the one who pays for food," Yamada grumbled.

"I do it because I love you."

"That’s not a good reason."

Michihiko tilted Yamada's chin up and kissed him. Despite their frequent kisses, Yamada awkwardly averted his eyes.

"Do you love me?"

When Yamada didn’t respond, Michihiko kissed him again.

"You should know without me saying it."

Even if he knew, Michihiko wanted to hear it.

"Do you think Sae is cute?"

"What’s with you?"

"Be honest."

After a pause, Yamada muttered, "She’s normally cute."

"Did you want to sleep with her?"

Yamada slapped Michihiko's head and tried to get off the bed, but Michihiko pulled him back, covering him from above.

"Did you want to touch her and sleep with her?"

"Go to hell!"

Michihiko held Yamada tightly.

"Only touch and sleep with me."

Yamada's aggressive expression softened.

"Only think about doing those things with me."

After staring at Michihiko for a while, Yamada asked, "Were you jealous of Sae?"

There was no "were you." Of course, he was. He didn’t need to hear that now.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Until my second year of university, Yamada always pinned me down. Though there were times he made me come just by fingering me, he never actually penetrated me. Since I started being the one to take him, this was the first time I found myself on the receiving end again.

When I asked him to hold me like a girl, Yamada didn’t refuse. His kissing and fondling were rougher than usual, but when it came to preparing me, he was incredibly gentle. He increased the number of fingers slowly, taking his time to stretch me. At first, the sensation of something entering me was scary, but since it wasn’t my first time being fingered, I soon got used to it and even started wishing he’d be more vigorous.

Even though I didn’t say I was scared or that I hated it, Yamada kept kissing me comfortingly. Finally, after making me almost numb with his fingers, he slid inside me. As his hard length pushed into me, my body tensed up instinctively. But since I’d been thoroughly prepared, my body accepted him with the help of some gel.

I had braced myself for tears from the pain, but that didn’t happen. It just felt a bit uncomfortable, like my belly was too full.

“Ah...nngh...”

When I squirmed, Yamada sighed softly near my ear. His expression looked more pained than pleasured, making me feel a bit sad.

“Does it not feel good when you’re inside me?”

Yamada, with a slightly flushed face, looked down at me. “What?”

“You’re not making the usual happy face.”

With a wry smile, Yamada gently patted my head.

“What about you? Does it feel good?”

As he lightly rocked his hips, the motion sent shivers through my upper body.

“I’m not sure. But I can feel you inside me.”

“That’s because I am inside you.”

“Well, yeah...”

Yamada laughed and leaned over me, changing the angle of our connection, causing my thighs to twitch.

“I was nervous,” he whispered near my ear, his breath warm. “Nervous about entering you. I was really nervous.”

I reached out and placed my hands on his back, feeling the tension in his muscles.

“You’re fine when it’s me doing it?”

“It’s different. I’ve never done it with someone I care about as much as you. Maybe that’s why I was so nervous. But now I’m getting used to it.”

Yamada started moving slowly, holding my legs as he thrust in and out. The direct stimulation made me moan. He hit sensitive spots inside me relentlessly, making me come quickly. Though we were out of sync, Yamada continued to search inside me, making breathless sounds.

“You can be rougher,” I told him.

“But it’s your first time,” he replied, maintaining his gentle pace. Growing impatient, I grabbed his hips and pulled him into me harder.

“Ah!”

Yamada let out a sweet moan, almost like he couldn’t tell who was being taken. This aroused me even more. As I squeezed his butt, he trembled inside me. Despite being the one getting taken today, I felt a strong desire to make him moan. Wetting my fingers with my own release, I slid them between his cheeks.

“Hey!”

Yamada’s voice cracked. I held his hips in place and teased his entrance.

“Don’t touch my ass!”

“I want to. Let me.”

“It’s my turn today! You stay put—ah!”

He grew even harder inside me. Increasing the number of fingers, I pressed against his sensitive spot, making him gasp and moan uncontrollably. He began to shift inside me.

“Shinji, move more.”

“I...can’t...keep going...like this...”

Since he couldn’t move much, I rocked my own hips while playing with him from behind.

“Aah...aah...!”

Yamada’s sweet moans filled the room as he collapsed on top of me, trembling like a rabbit. I adjusted slightly, feeling him slide out of me, then flipped him onto his back. Meeting his expectant gaze, I kissed him deeply, positioning myself to enter him.

“Hngh...”

Yamada whimpered. Despite taking longer earlier, he quickly became hard once I was inside him. Kissing him repeatedly, I thrust into him, making him cling to me with his legs wrapped around my back.

“Ah...yes...yes...”

He whispered deliriously into my ear. I continued thrusting and kissing him, releasing inside him. Covered in sweat and our release, we fell asleep, exhausted.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

We had loved each other so long without eating that by five in the morning, I woke up hungry. Yamada was still asleep, but I woke him by sucking his nipples.

“Ah...nngh...Michi?”

His voice was hoarse and sweet from the remnants of the previous night. I caressed his sensitive spots, swallowing all his cute gasps. Even after our passion had faded, I kept him close, kissing him whenever I felt lonely.

“You can meet Sae,” I whispered.

Yamada’s body trembled in my arms.

“But tell me about it when you do. It’s fine to be kind to her, but don’t fall for her. No matter how much she says she loves you, remember that I love you so much more.”

Yamada, looking almost tearful, shook his head.

“You’re a man, smart, and you have a proper job. Sae is weak and might not be able to make it on her own. Sometimes I think maybe I should be there for her. But I...”

Turning to face me, he clung tightly.

“I don’t want to break up with you.”

He spoke like a child, his words simple and honest.

“I don’t want you to leave me.”

Tears fell from his eyes. I kissed away the salty drops.

“I’ll never leave you. I’ll always stay by your side.”

Repeating these words like a vow, we kissed. Our stomachs growled loudly, making us laugh. Yamada got out of bed, went to the closet, and returned with the box tied with the blue ribbon.

He untied it carelessly, revealing two small chocolates inside. Picking one up, he pushed it towards my mouth.

“It’s fine. I think Sae would want you to eat it.”

“It doesn’t matter. I was planning to return it, but I couldn’t refuse her...”

We each ate one chocolate. It wasn’t as sweet as I expected, more bittersweet. We kissed again, finding the same slight bitterness in each other’s mouths.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW.

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