Deep Breath: Chapter 1 - part 6

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About two weeks after the funeral, Keiko called Yachi out of the blue. She mentioned that a condolence gift Yachi had forgotten at his cousin’s house in Fukuoka had been sent to her, and she wanted to know when he would be free to meet so she could give it to him. When Yachi told her that he was off on Sundays and Mondays and free on Saturday nights, she suggested meeting on Sunday. Coincidentally, Haruno had a business trip that week and wouldn’t be visiting, so the timing worked out well. As they tried to decide on a meeting place, Keiko suggested coming to Yachi’s house.

“It’s been a while since my uncle passed away. I’d like to pay my respects,” she said, making it hard for Yachi to refuse. Knowing a woman would be visiting his house, Yachi spent the day before thoroughly cleaning and tidying up the house and garden. By the time he finished, he was quite pleased with how neat everything looked.

On Sunday, Keiko, who had visited Yachi’s house a couple of times before, called him from the station, saying she had lost her way. Yachi went to meet her.

When they arrived at the house, they passed through the old wooden gate set in the traditional wooden fence. Keiko remarked, "I used to think this house was much bigger, but it’s a single-story house, isn’t it?"

Yachi invited her inside. The first thing Keiko did was offer a prayer at the Buddhist altar where Yachi’s parents’ memorial tablets were placed. After that, they moved to the living room. Yachi served her some traditional Japanese sweets that Haruno had given him the previous week, along with some coffee. He had assumed that women generally liked sweets, but Keiko didn’t touch them at all.

"How old is this house?" she asked. "About thirty years?"

"No, it’s even older than that. My parents bought it before I was born, so it’s probably around forty or fifty years old," Yachi replied.

Keiko sighed softly. "It’s an old house, but the pillars look sturdy."

"There’s a lot of wear and tear in some places," Yachi said with a wry smile.

"Have you ever thought about rebuilding?" she asked.

It was only then that Yachi realized he had never even considered that possibility. Despite the house’s age, it was still livable, and he had somehow always assumed he would live out his life in this house.

"Old houses are charming, but wooden structures can be scary in earthquakes or other disasters," Keiko pointed out.

"Yeah…," Yachi responded vaguely, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I’ve been thinking about things since then," Keiko said, "and if you’re open to it, would you be willing to see me from time to time?"

She didn’t say it directly, but it was clear that she was talking about dating with the intention of marriage.

"But I’m just working part-time," Yachi said.

"You’re not planning to stay a part-timer forever, are you?"

Yachi couldn’t bring himself to admit that he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

"Even if the pay isn’t great, if you find a job you really want to do, you’ll go for it, won’t you? I like people who are positive and forward-thinking, regardless of money."

But even if he found a job he wanted to do, Yachi didn’t have any grand ambitions. Even when he was working at a company, he had simply gone through the motions, doing the tasks assigned to him without striving for more. It was only after he saw his colleagues, who had similar abilities, climb the corporate ladder while he remained stagnant, that he realized he wasn’t cut out for that path.

"I’m not as ambitious as you think, Keiko. As long as I can earn enough to get by, that’s all I really need from a job," Yachi admitted.

Keiko looked at him with a complicated expression. "I know. When we’re young, we have all sorts of dreams, but as we get older, we start to see our limits. Still, I think life is about striving for something more."

Her words, though true, gradually began to weigh on Yachi.

"Kenji, is there anything you want for yourself in the future?"

The question made Yachi’s mind go blank. He could see what was given to him, but beyond that, nothing came to mind. He glanced at Keiko. Did everyone else have such a hunger for life? Even as they aged, did hopes and desires naturally spring forth?

"…I should probably head home," Keiko said, standing up. Yachi followed her out, intending to see her off, but halfway down the hallway, Keiko suddenly doubled over.

"What’s wrong?"

When she looked up, her face was pale as she forced a smile. "I have a bit of stomach pain, but it’s nothing serious. I’ve had these gastric spasms before… If I stay still, it should pass."

Yachi stayed by her side, unsure of what else to do. Despite her assurances, her face remained pale, and beads of sweat appeared on her forehead even in the dim light of the hallway.

"It hurts… It really hurts…" she whispered, clenching her teeth as tears began to stream from her eyes. Unable to stand watching her in pain any longer, Yachi ignored her protests and called an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived, they asked if Keiko had a regular doctor, but in his panicked state, Yachi blurted out the name of the general hospital near the station where he had been treated.

Once they arrived at the hospital, Keiko’s stomach pain gradually subsided. The cause was unclear, but the doctor recommended that she have her digestive system checked out soon to be safe.

After receiving an IV and resting on a bed in the outpatient ward for about three hours, Keiko’s condition stabilized. Since there was no need for hospitalization, the doctor cleared her to go home. Though she could walk, Keiko was still unsteady on her feet, so Yachi supported her by holding her close.

As they waited in line at the taxi stand in front of the now-dark hospital, a loud noise came from the rear drop-off area. Yachi turned to see a young man slam a taxi door shut.

The man looked familiar, and without thinking, Yachi called out, "Haruno?"

The man, who looked ready to rush off, stopped in his tracks and turned around. Recognizing Yachi, he ran toward him.

"Are you alright?" Haruno asked, clearly flustered and struggling to speak clearly.

"Sakaguchi told me that you arrived in an ambulance, so I came straight from the airport…"

"I’m fine. It’s my cousin who suddenly fell ill while visiting," Yachi explained. Only then did Haruno seem to notice Keiko standing next to Yachi.

"Are you not going to get in the taxi?" Haruno asked.

As the elderly woman behind them spoke, Yachi realized it was their turn to get in the taxi. He felt bad for Haruno, who had rushed over out of concern, and he wanted to talk more, but if they left the line now, they'd have to go to the back of the long queue. He couldn't let Keiko, who was still unwell, wait longer just because of his own situation.

"I need to see her home, so I have to go now. I’ll call you later," Yachi said.

Leaving the bewildered man behind, Yachi got into the taxi. Even as the car began to move, he couldn’t shake off the guilt of leaving Haruno behind.

After dropping Keiko off at her apartment and returning home, it was past 11 PM. Before feeding the cat that had been circling around his legs, Yachi called Haruno. He didn’t answer the home phone, so Yachi tried his mobile. After several rings, Haruno finally picked up.

"I’m sorry about earlier," Yachi said.

"No problem," Haruno replied curtly, clearly annoyed.

"I was just accompanying her, but it seems I caused you unnecessary worry. I apologize."

"It’s fine… Sakaguchi tricked me too."

"Tricked you?" Yachi asked.

"That man called and made it sound like you were seriously injured and had been hospitalized. I knew he could be mean, but I didn’t expect such a nasty prank."

Even though it was just a prank, Yachi felt comforted knowing that someone would rush to his side if he ever got hurt.

"I appreciate your concern, Haruno," he said sincerely.

Haruno, however, laughed off Yachi’s sincerity.

"Who was that woman with you?" Haruno asked, still sounding irritated.

"My cousin. She suddenly felt ill while visiting my place…"

"If she’s your cousin, you could marry her. Seems like she’s interested in you," Haruno said sharply.

Haruno’s bluntness made Yachi hesitate.

"She was looking at you like a woman in love. Even Sakaguchi said you two make a good pair. I think so too. You don’t seem to mind her either."

It was true that Yachi had been wondering whether he should start a relationship with her, but why did Haruno have to confront him so aggressively about it?

"I won’t be visiting your place anymore. I wouldn’t want to bother the two of you," Haruno added.

It felt less like Haruno was concerned about being a nuisance and more like he was jealous of Yachi’s relationship with her. Yachi could never predict what would make Haruno angry. It was hard to believe that someone who was no longer a teenager could get upset over such trivial matters.

"Please don’t hesitate to visit. You’re the only friend I have who I can talk about books with."

"Sorry, but I never considered you a friend," Haruno said, and with that, he hung up.

Yachi was left in shock, holding the phone in his hand, unable to put it down for a while.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Keiko started calling Yachi occasionally. While she no longer had the stomach pains she experienced at Yachi’s house, she mentioned that she planned to undergo some tests soon.

They met for meals a few times and caught up with each other. Their personalities didn’t seem incompatible, but in the end, Yachi told her he couldn’t pursue a relationship with marriage in mind.

Yachi didn’t have many demands from a partner—just closeness and communication. However, what Keiko expected from him was something different. While he could love her, he didn’t think he could be the kind of partner who could elevate each other spiritually, as she seemed to desire. He didn’t have that level of depth to offer. All he could do was hold her and offer comfort, and that wasn’t enough.

When Yachi frankly explained why he couldn’t continue the relationship, Keiko told him not to underestimate himself. However, she also seemed to sense, like Yachi did, that something was off between them. She didn’t push to continue the relationship either.

By spring, after working as a part-timer for eight months, Yachi was approached by the manager of the bento shop with an offer to become a full-time employee. The position came with full benefits and bonuses—an offer too good to refuse, but Yachi asked for some time to think about it. Becoming a full-time employee would mean taking on more responsibilities and less freedom to live as he pleased.

That day, after finishing his night shift, Yachi was riding his bicycle home. For the past five months, he’d been stuck in a reversed day-night schedule, waiting for his replacement, who never came. With a foggy mind, he turned the corner and noticed someone standing by his front gate just a few dozen meters from his home.

As Yachi stopped his bike, the man slowly bowed his head. It had been almost two months since they’d seen each other, and they hadn’t spoken since their last phone call. True to his word, Haruno hadn’t visited on Sundays or at work since then.

Yachi’s hands trembled as he held the handlebars. He felt ridiculous for being scared of a man younger than himself. Haruno had been so affectionate, spending time at Yachi’s place like a cat until Yachi let his guard down, only to then suddenly say, “I never considered you a friend.” The memory of that shock still brought a bitter taste to Yachi’s mouth. If it had been a more obvious betrayal or scheme, it would have been easier to understand. But because it was something different, Yachi couldn’t even get angry.

"I’m returning the books I borrowed," Haruno said, holding out a paper bag.

Yachi took it. "They’re just cheap books. You could have thrown them away."

Yachi’s attempt at sarcasm was met with a glare that doubled in intensity.

"I wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it."

Yachi looked down during the silence that followed. He wanted to see Haruno, but at the same time, he didn’t. To be honest, he missed Haruno’s difficult visits on Sundays more than he missed seeing Keiko. But every time he felt that loneliness, he reminded himself that Haruno didn’t even consider him a friend.

"I’m cleaning out my room. I’ve switched companies, and my next assignment is in London," Haruno said.

It was hard to believe that he would be sent overseas right after joining a new company. Maybe he had been headhunted, just like at his previous job.

"It’s supposed to be for six months, but they said I could stay longer if I want."

It felt as if he were hearing a story from a distant world. During his time at the company, Yachi had never once been considered for an overseas assignment.

"That’s why this might be the last time we talk," Haruno said.

They hadn’t seen each other in a while. Whether Haruno was abroad or in Japan, it wouldn’t make a difference if they weren’t going to meet anyway.

"A year ago, I was consulted by the managing director about the staff reductions as part of the company’s restructuring. Out of the four candidates from my department, including you, I reported that you were the most appropriate choice, considering your work attitude and performance."

Yachi was so shocked that he couldn’t even close his half-open mouth.

"Yes, marital status was considered, but the decisive factor was your work attitude. I believe being diligent is a virtue, but simply doing your job seriously could be done by a robot. The company wasn’t looking for someone who just repeated the same tasks but rather a person with ambition, even if they weren’t perfect. A company’s success or failure ultimately depends on its people. I judged that you weren’t suitable for a company striving to grow."

Haruno, the type of person who liked to make things clear-cut, had discarded what he deemed unnecessary, and Yachi had been one of those discarded. Just when Yachi had finally distanced himself from that emptiness, it came rushing back.

"Why are you telling me this now? Couldn’t you have just kept quiet out of kindness?"

"Is silence really kindness?"

His words struck Yachi right in the chest.

"People who can’t self-reflect will never grow."

The words stung like a whip. As Yachi absorbed the harsh truth, he wondered why Haruno, who had deemed him useless, was still involved in his life. He recalled how Haruno would almost always come to buy a bento on weekends.

"Did you come to check on me because you felt guilty about having me fired?"

"I feel no guilt about having you leave. I was just doing my job, making a fair judgment."

Yachi realized that when a shock is significant enough, smaller pains become easier to bear. Not being pitied wasn’t much of a concern anymore.

"The reason I tried to stay connected with you was simply because of my affection for you."

Even after being so bluntly labeled "incompetent," it was hard to believe in Haruno’s "affection." Haruno took a deep breath and looked Yachi in the eye.

"I had romantic feelings for you. I wanted to be your lover. Given your age and being single, I hoped there might be a chance you were gay, but as we worked together, I realized your orientation was straight. When you left the company, I thought I could finally forget about you, but I still wanted to see you. So I found out where you worked and started visiting the bento shop."

Haruno clenched his fists.

"My head knew it was rational to give up and find someone else, but I just couldn’t."

Yachi didn’t know what to say. His mind was blank, overwhelmed by a wave of emotions. For the first time, he experienced being so shocked that he couldn’t even speak.

While he was aware of terms like homosexuality and being gay, he had never imagined they would directly impact his life. Though he understood their existence, they never felt real to him.

As his ability to think returned, his mind filled with questions. Why did Haruno fall for him? What was the meaning of this confession?

He thought Haruno was a strange man—confessing his love while admitting he was the one who had gotten Yachi fired. If Haruno had kept silent, Yachi would have never known who had made that decision. They’d had many conversations before, so why confess now? Could it be that Haruno wanted to be disliked?

"I’m getting older, and while I might still be okay as a friend, I don’t think I’m someone you would find sexually appealing," Yachi said.

Haruno asked earnestly, "I want to ask you the same question. Why do you think I developed feelings for someone like you, who isn’t even my type?"

It was absurd—the one who fell in love didn’t know why, and the one who was loved couldn’t understand it either. To an outsider, it must have looked ridiculous.

"…About two years ago, on the way to the after-party of a year-end gathering, there was a cat in the park. It was a friendly but skinny cat. You went out of your way to buy tamagoyaki from a nearby stall and fed it to the cat."

Yachi vaguely recalled something like that but couldn’t remember it clearly.

"Everyone, including myself, said it wasn’t good to feed it out of pity, that it was just self-satisfaction. But you said that if you were the cat, you’d rather be full, even if it was out of pity. You said that thinking it was cruel to raise the cat’s expectations and then disappoint it was just human arrogance. You said that having hope was what mattered."

Haruno looked directly at Yachi.

"I realized there were people who thought that way."

Yachi felt a complex mixture of emotions stirring within him. He couldn’t believe he was reflecting on his own words as they were repeated back to him. He was also surprised that Haruno had picked up on such an insignificant comment.

He wondered how this man saw him—a man who was so empty and shallow, merely growing older.

Haruno sighed and suddenly changed his expression.

"Could I take the stray cat from your place?"

"The cat?" Yachi asked.

"The tabby cat. I’m thinking of taking it to London with me."

"But it’s not my cat…"

"I know. It’s a stray, right? But since you were fond of it, I thought I’d ask first."

Was taking the cat a way for Haruno to hold on to Yachi?

To be called incompetent and then loved by the same person—Yachi’s mind was still reeling from the extreme contrast. Yet, he realized he couldn’t bring himself to dislike Haruno.

"Please don’t take the cat."

Haruno’s expression clouded over, as if a veil had been drawn across his face.

"In that case, could you give me the books you said I could throw away?"

"No."

Haruno glared at Yachi, looking up at him from beneath his brows.

"Are you saying you don’t want to give me anything at all?"

The tension between them grew. Yachi felt he might be crossing a line he couldn’t uncross but spoke anyway.

"If you ever want to see the cat, you can come to my place. I won’t give you the books, but you can borrow them."

Haruno stared intently at Yachi, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

"I’ll always be here," Yachi added.

Haruno covered his face with one hand and lowered his head. He stayed that way for a while, silent. Then, after a long pause, he murmured softly, "When I get back from London…"

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T.N: "Haruno had been so affectionate, spending time at Yachi’s place like a cat." What makes this funny is that the word for 'cat' in Japanese is '猫' (pronounced 'neko'), which is a homonym for 'ネコ,' a slang term for 'uke' or 'bottom' in a relationship. "Haruno had been so affectionate, spending time at Yachi’s place like a bottom."😂