Deep Breath: Chapter 1 - part 5

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I found the directory buried deep in my closet. I could have made the call, but in the end, I didn’t that night. I wasn’t prepared to face Haruno’s anger. Even though I knew I needed to take a nap before my night shift, I couldn’t stop thinking about Haruno’s attitude, and I barely slept for an hour before heading to work.

Around 3 a.m., my exhaustion peaked, partly due to the lack of sleep. To stay awake, I started cleaning around the kitchen. Moving around helped me fight off the drowsiness.

I sensed the automatic doors of the store opening. Instinctively, I called out, “Welcome,” as I hurried back to the register. When I saw who had entered, I let out a surprised “Oh.” It was the man who had abruptly hung up on me the day before, standing there with his head slightly bowed. But he just stood there, saying nothing. I stepped out from behind the counter and stood in front of Haruno.

“Sorry for bothering you so late,” Haruno apologized in a small voice, glancing nervously toward the back of the kitchen. It took me a moment to realize what he was concerned about.

“Oh, you mean the young guy? He quit. So, it’s okay for us to talk a little,” I said.

Haruno looked visibly relieved and then asked, “Could we step outside for a moment?”

Stepping outside meant leaving my post, which wasn’t ideal.

“It’s cold out there,” I hinted, suggesting we stay inside, but Haruno insisted, “I want to talk somewhere private. I won’t take much of your time.”

I called out to the manager in the kitchen, asking, “Is it okay if I take a ten-minute break?” After getting the okay, I stepped outside with Haruno.

The cold outside was sharp, making my cheeks stiffen. Snow had begun to fall, but it wasn’t sticking, instead melting into the black asphalt.

“I’m not one to dwell on things, so I’ll be direct. Please tell me everything Sakaguchi said to you.”

His tone was stiff. I could tell Haruno was overly concerned about whatever Sakaguchi had said, and it was making him angry. But was it really something to be so worked up about? Wasn’t it just some casual banter between acquaintances?

Sakaguchi had asked me not to tell Haruno about our conversation, but now that Haruno knew we’d spoken, I felt conflicted. On one hand, I wanted to keep my promise, but on the other, I was worried about Haruno, who had come all the way here in the middle of the night.

“Sakaguchi mentioned that you were a ‘switch,’ but I don’t know what that term means, so I didn’t understand what he was implying. He also asked who was on top, so I told him that when we worked together, I was your subordinate.”

Before I could finish, Haruno was already biting his lower lip hard.

“That’s everything. There’s nothing for you to be concerned about,” I added, trying to reassure him. Haruno responded with a faint, bitter smile.

“Yachi-san, are you really that oblivious?”

“Oblivious to what?”

Haruno looked down and muttered, “Never mind.” The conversation stalled, and the cold started to seep into my bones.

“The doctor you referred me to was very kind. He gave me some medicine, and I think I’ll get better soon. I’m glad I went.”

Haruno remained silent, still looking down. I didn’t know what else to say.

“Yachi-san…” Haruno finally looked up.

“Why have you stayed single all these years?”

His question was completely out of the blue, unrelated to our previous conversation. I didn’t understand why he was asking.

“I heard you were once engaged, but the wedding was called off at the last minute. Is it because you can’t forget about that person?”

It would’ve been easier to leave it at that, but I shook my head.

“I can’t even remember her face anymore. I’m single simply because the opportunity never came up again. There’s no special reason.”

“And in the future?”

“In the future?” I echoed, thinking about what lay ahead.

“Well, if there’s someone out there who doesn’t mind being with a middle-aged guy living off part-time jobs, I might consider it,” I said with a smile, but Haruno didn’t even crack a smile. I felt foolish, being the only one laughing.

“Is there anyone you like?” Haruno asked, his gaze unwavering. I wondered why I was the only one being asked such personal questions, so I turned the question back on him.

“What about you, Haruno? Do you have someone you like?”

His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed as he glared at me.

“…Yes, I do.”

If he had someone he liked, then good for him. But why was he glaring at me?

“Are you dating that person?”

“No. It’s just a one-sided feeling on my part.”

Given Haruno’s personality, I would have thought he’d confess his feelings right away if he liked someone. The fact that he hadn’t made me wonder if it was an impossible situation, like unrequited love or an affair.

“I hope your feelings are reciprocated.”

Even if it went against common sense, there was no harm in loving someone. Even if things didn’t work out, I hoped Haruno’s feelings would reach the other person.

“How irresponsible,” he muttered coldly, making me shiver.

“Anyone can say the right words. Or are you saying that you, Yachi-san, would actually help me win this unrequited love?”

“If there’s anything I can do…” I began, but Haruno interrupted with a burst of laughter. He laughed and laughed until the tension seemed to snap like a string.

I had sensed that Haruno was behaving unusually, but I didn’t know why or whether it was something I could help with.

A young male customer entered the store, and soon after, the manager came out and called to me, “Yachi-san, could you come back inside?”

I realized I had been outside for almost fifteen minutes. Although I was worried about leaving Haruno, I couldn’t ignore my job.

“I have to get back to work. I’m sorry.”

Haruno nodded vaguely.

“Let’s talk more another time. You’re coming over on Sunday, right? We can chat then.”

“Can I really come over without a reason?” Haruno asked, tilting his head slightly.

“I forgot to borrow a book, so I don’t have an excuse to return it,” he muttered.

I chuckled at his remark.

“You don’t need a reason. Just come over and visit. It’s kind of sad if the only reason you come over is to borrow books.”

Haruno’s face, which had alternated between angry and stern expressions, suddenly relaxed, and his cheeks softened slightly.

As he left, Haruno gave me a small bow and said, “See you on Sunday.” I noticed how he emphasized Sunday, but I didn’t dwell on it.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

On Friday night, just as Yachi was about to leave for his night shift, he received a phone call. Thinking it might be Haruno, he answered, only to hear his cousin's voice, which immediately gave him a bad feeling.

His cousin informed him that their aunt, who had been ill for a long time, had just passed away. The funeral was set for the day after tomorrow at 10 a.m. Since the aunt lived in Fukuoka, which was far from the airport, Yachi realized he would need to leave the day before to make it in time.

The next day, after finishing his night shift and taking a three-hour nap, Yachi packed a bag with an overnight change of clothes and his funeral attire and headed to the airport.

He arrived in Fukuoka in the evening. His aunt, who had once been a robust woman, looked frail and almost unrecognizable as she lay peacefully in the casket. The last time Yachi had seen her face had been at his father’s funeral, which struck him as bitterly ironic. The following day, many people attended the funeral. His cousin mentioned that a lot of the attendees were colleagues from her work as a local insurance agent.

Yachi’s mother had no siblings, and his father’s only sibling was the now-deceased aunt. This meant that Yachi’s only remaining relatives were his cousin and his sister.

During the funeral, Yachi found himself wondering who would manage things if he were to die suddenly from an accident or illness. He figured it would likely fall to his cousin, which left him with a mix of sadness and guilt. Although he didn’t want to be a burden to others, he realized that without immediate family, it was inevitable that he would have to rely on extended relatives.

After the casket was taken away, Yachi wandered through the Japanese garden outside the crematorium, lost in thought, when his cousin approached him. Despite being a year younger than Yachi, his cousin looked much older due to his thinning hair.

"You’re still single, right, Kenji?" his cousin asked.

Yachi forced a smile. Over the past two days, he had been asked the same question repeatedly by old acquaintances.

"Is there anyone special in your life?"

"Well… not really," Yachi replied.

His cousin frowned and crossed his arms. "Keiko is still single too, and she’s almost forty."

"Keiko’s almost forty now?" Yachi asked, surprised.

As children, Yachi, his cousin, and Keiko, his cousin’s younger sister, had often played together. They grew distant once Yachi reached high school and stopped visiting the countryside, and they hadn’t seen each other since Yachi’s parents passed away. When he saw her yesterday, she looked much younger than her age.

"I’m worried she might end up alone for the rest of her life," his cousin continued. "At her age, it’d be considered a late pregnancy, so kids might be out of the question. But being alone from now on will be tough. She’s healthy now, but that won’t last forever."

"Yeah, that’s true," Yachi agreed, relating the situation to his own life.

"So, I know this isn’t the best time, but…" his cousin started, hesitating.

"What do you think about Keiko?" he finally asked.

Yachi was taken aback by the sudden question. He thought his cousin was joking, but the man’s serious expression said otherwise.

"She’s living in Tokyo now, so you could see each other if you wanted to. Honestly, I’ve thought for a while that you and Keiko might make a good match. She’s a bit strong-willed, but she’s got a good heart, and you’re kind. I think it could work."

Yachi laughed it off, trying to dodge the suggestion.

"Even if I’m okay with it, I’m not sure about Keiko. She’s still working hard, right? If her job is her passion, marriage might not be on her mind."

"Actually, she said she does want to get married the last time she was home."

Yachi had never considered her as a potential partner. His childhood memories of her were so strong that he still saw her as a little sister rather than a woman.

"But…" Yachi hesitated.

"Do you not like Keiko?" his cousin pressed.

"It’s not that," Yachi replied, unsure of what to say.

"Just think about it. By the way, Keiko has to go back to Tokyo today for some work she can’t miss. You’re heading back too, right? I can arrange for you two to take the same flight."

In the end, Yachi agreed to let his cousin handle the travel arrangements. After ensuring that his aunt’s ashes had been properly returned home, Yachi and Keiko took a taxi to the airport.

They had some time before their flight, so Yachi accompanied Keiko as she browsed the shops. They found some delicious-looking mochi. Yachi realized he had forgotten to call Haruno before leaving for the trip in his rush to prepare. Without a cellphone or Haruno’s phone number, he hadn’t been able to get in touch.

He kept thinking about how he had broken their promise to talk on Sunday without any explanation. Wanting to make it up to Haruno, Yachi bought a small box of mochi as a souvenir. When Keiko asked if it was for his company, Yachi simply replied, "For a friend."

The plane was packed, even though it wasn’t the last flight of the day. Yachi helped Keiko place her carry-on bag in the overhead compartment along with his own.

"It’s nice having a man around at times like these," Keiko remarked as she fastened her seatbelt. After a stop at the restroom, she had let her hair down, and a sweet, citrusy scent now lingered around her. The scent had been barely noticeable while they were walking, but once seated, it became overpowering, making Yachi feel slightly nauseous.

"Sorry if my perfume is too strong," Keiko apologized, sensing his discomfort.

"It’s just that I have to meet a client as soon as we land. If this were under different circumstances and with someone I know well, I could have left it to a subordinate. But since it’s a new and important client that I secured myself, I couldn’t hand it off to anyone else. The timing couldn’t be worse… It’s my first meeting with the person in charge, and I didn’t want to smell like incense during our introduction."

Keiko sighed deeply and sank into her seat. She looked youthful, like someone in their early thirties, but her eyes were sunken, and she appeared tired.

"Your job seems tough," Yachi commented.

"Yeah," Keiko murmured.

"Being busy helps distract me. If I stayed home, I’d just be reminded of Mom, and I’d feel like I was imposing on my brother and his wife. But once the rush is over, I think it’ll all hit me at once."

She sighed again, closing her eyes. When she grew quiet, Yachi assumed she had fallen asleep, but when he glanced over, she opened her eyes.

"My brother said something weird to you, but don’t worry about it," Keiko said, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" Yachi asked.

"He mentioned the idea of me becoming your wife," she said with a sigh.

"But," she continued, "I wouldn’t mind that, you know."

Yachi’s strongest memories of Keiko were from when she was a child with a bob haircut. Given that she had always been like a little sister to him, hearing her say she wouldn’t mind marrying him was complicated.

"At our age, if we started dating, marriage would naturally be the next step," Yachi said.

"Yeah," Keiko agreed.

He knew he needed to say it, but he hesitated.

"I haven’t told you yet, but I quit my job last July. It wasn’t voluntary—I was laid off. I’ve been living off part-time jobs ever since."

Keiko looked surprised.

"People might think it’s odd for someone over forty to be working part-time, but I’m mostly okay with it. Still, if I had to take responsibility for someone else, I’m not sure society would consider me up to the task."

The person beside him fell silent for a moment.

"Kenji, I know your previous job at that foreign company was prestigious, but I’m looking for a life partner, not just a title," Keiko said, turning to Yachi with a shrug.

"No matter what kind of job someone has, if they’re passionate about it and give it their all, I don’t mind. After all, this isn’t an era of lifelong employment anymore."

Keiko looked intently at Yachi. "Are you satisfied with your current job?"

He couldn’t answer. He had stumbled upon this job by chance. Whether he liked it or not, his immediate concern had been making a living.

Perhaps due to her fatigue, Keiko dozed off briefly after that. Meanwhile, Yachi seriously reflected on his current part-time job and his future work.

As they parted ways at the airport, Keiko and Yachi exchanged phone numbers. She told him that he could call her anytime since it was her cellphone, but Yachi doubted he would be the one to initiate contact.

By the time he got home, it was past 8 p.m. The cat didn’t come to greet him from the darkness, probably because it wasn’t nearby.

Yachi hung his funeral suit jacket on a hanger and sat in the kotatsu in the living room, lost in thought. Despite being used to living alone, the room felt unbearably lonely that night.

Yachi then went into his bedroom and took out the note with Haruno’s phone number. He first tried calling Haruno’s home, but there was no answer, so he dialed his cellphone. It rang for a long time without going to voicemail, and just as Yachi was about to hang up, someone finally picked up.

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end sounded a bit lower than the one Yachi was used to hearing on the phone.

"Is this Haruno?"

"Who’s this?"

"This is Yachi. I thought I was calling Haruno’s cellphone, but did I dial the wrong number?"

There was a muttered "Oh" on the other end, as if the person had suddenly understood.

"This is indeed his phone… Yachi-san, don’t you recognize my voice?"

If this person knew both Haruno and Yachi, they were likely a colleague from the company, but Yachi couldn’t place the voice.

"Sorry, I don’t."

The man chuckled. "He’s in the shower right now."

It seemed Haruno was at the home of a mutual acquaintance. Although Yachi knew that Haruno must have other close friends, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of loneliness.

"I see. I’ll call back later then."

"That might be a bit difficult," the man said with a wry smile. "He’s got plans after this, so he probably won’t be able to answer. I can pass on a message if you’d like."

Yachi wanted to talk to Haruno directly, but it seemed that wouldn’t be possible.

"Please just tell him that I’m sorry I couldn’t keep our promise today."

"Is that all?"

"I’ll call again another day."

Just then, Yachi heard Haruno’s voice in the background, shouting, "Sakaguchi, don’t answer other people’s phones without permission!" Was this the same Sakaguchi who had approached him at the hospital?

"It was ringing nonstop, so it was annoying," Sakaguchi muttered, followed by a more formal, "Sorry, this is Haruno," in a tone much different from the one he used with his friend.

"I’m sorry to bother you so late," Yachi began.

"Yachi-san…!" Haruno’s voice immediately became flustered. "Where are you calling from?"

"From home. Today—"

"I’ll hang up and call you back right away. Please wait."

Before Yachi could reply, the call ended. Confused, Yachi set the phone down. About five minutes later, as promised, Haruno called back.

"Sorry for hanging up after you called."

Yachi could hear the sound of cars in the background, suggesting Haruno had gone outside.

"I’m sorry for bothering you when you’re busy," Yachi said.

"I’m not busy at all."

"Your friend Sakaguchi mentioned that you had plans."

Haruno went silent, and the stillness made Yachi uneasy. Haruno was sensitive and overly concerned about anything involving Sakaguchi.

"I’m heading home now, so those plans are no longer an issue."

Yachi didn’t fully understand the situation, but if Haruno said it was fine, he decided to leave it at that.

"I’m sorry I wasn’t home today when we had planned to talk."

"It’s okay…"

"My aunt passed away, so I went back to my father’s family home in Fukuoka."

"I’m sorry for your loss," Haruno said, his voice conveying a deep sense of empathy, as if Yachi could see him bowing his head.

"I had meant to call you before I left, but I was in such a rush that I forgot. I apologize."

"Please, don’t worry about it."

Yachi had accomplished his goal, but he found himself reluctant to end the call.

"By the way, I brought back a small gift as an apology. I’d like to give it to you. Will you be able to come over next week?"

"…Could I come over now?" Haruno asked, surprising Yachi.

"Now?"

"Is it inconvenient?"

"Not at all, but it’s just a small gift that’ll last a couple of weeks, so there’s no rush."

"I’d also like to see the cat," Haruno murmured.

"The cat isn’t around today. I haven’t seen it," Yachi replied. After a short pause, Haruno asked again, "Is it really okay if I come?"

"It’s not a problem. Even though the gift isn’t much and the cat isn’t here, you’re welcome to come by."

Less than an hour later, Haruno arrived. He handed Yachi a gift, just like he did on Sundays. Although it was nighttime, Yachi wondered where Haruno had bought it. As he thought it over, he began to suspect that Haruno had been at his house earlier in the day.

Shortly after Haruno entered the house, the cat must have noticed the lights were on, as it started meowing and scratching at the front door. Haruno accepted the gift Yachi had brought back with a pleased expression, which was enough to make Yachi feel satisfied. However, after a while, Haruno, who had been in a good mood, suddenly grew quiet. Though he wasn’t very talkative to begin with, his responses became more monosyllabic.

"I’m sorry if this is intrusive…" Haruno began, his eyes sharp as he looked at Yachi. "Were you with a woman earlier?"

"How did you know?" Yachi asked, genuinely impressed.

Haruno gave a wry smile.

"My cousin, who’s the daughter of my late aunt, lives here in Tokyo, so we traveled back together from Fukuoka after the funeral."

"I see," Haruno murmured, letting out a breath.

"I noticed a faint scent of perfume," he added.

"You have a keen sense of smell," Yachi commented.

"My mother used to wear citrus-scented perfume. I’ve never been fond of those kinds of scents, whether on men or women."

Now that Haruno mentioned it, Yachi realized that Haruno indeed gave off an impression of being clean and odorless. Though he had thought Haruno might be a bit of a neat freak, he recalled how Haruno would easily pet and play with the cat that roamed outside, leaving him unsure of what to think.

"This place smells like cats and old wood," Haruno said.

Yachi had never really paid attention to the smells of his home.

"Maybe that’s why I find it so calming here," Haruno added.

After spending about an hour playing with the cat and drinking coffee, Haruno left. This time, he didn’t forget to borrow a book before leaving. When he asked if he could come again next week, Yachi smiled and said, “Of course.” Once he was alone again, the feeling of loneliness started to creep back, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been when he first returned from the funeral.

Being alone wasn’t so bad as long as the cat was around. It wasn’t that he never felt lonely, but knowing the comfort of spending time with someone else made the loneliness feel different. The more you interact with others, the more you feel lonely when they’re gone—humans really are complicated creatures, Yachi thought to himself as he opened the sliding glass door facing the hallway.

The air outside was bitterly cold, carrying the scent of the night. He took a deep breath, reacquainting himself with the smell of his home. It was the same familiar scent of the house he had grown up in, unchanged over the years.

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