Deep Breath: Chapter 2 - Part 5

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I made it through the night without sleeping. At 7:00 AM, the living room was quiet—Yachi wasn’t up yet. I tiptoed to the bathroom and took a shower. By the time I had dressed and was ready to go out, it was 8:00 AM.

I stood in front of the mirror in the bedroom, telling myself, “Don’t overthink it.” Yachi hadn’t said a word about the contents of that drawer from yesterday. He was probably mature enough to pretend he didn’t see it. If that’s the case, I’ll just have to act as if nothing happened, like I don’t know either. Honestly, there’s no other way.

With the mantra of “act normal” in my mind, I left the bedroom. I tried to present a natural self by drinking a café au lait while reading the newspaper. Even after finishing the coffee and waiting past 9:00 AM, Yachi still hadn’t come out of his room.

I glanced at the clock on the wall. If he was sleeping comfortably, there was no need to wake him. In fact, it would be fine if he slept all day. It would just delay the awkward moment I was dreading.

Come to think of it… Yachi had bought breakfast pastries yesterday morning. I only needed coffee, but Yachi might be the type who eats a proper breakfast.

I grabbed my wallet and keys and stepped out of the flat. The sky was heavy with layers of gray clouds, and the wind was strong and dusty. I didn’t recall there being a bakery nearby, so where did Yachi find the bread?

I wandered around the streets aimlessly, something I normally wouldn’t do without a clear goal. Whenever it involved Yachi, I seemed to lose my usual efficiency. After wandering for about thirty minutes without finding a bakery, I returned to the flat feeling disheartened.

Back at the flat, I heard the sound of running water from the bathroom. Yachi was awake. As I poured myself a second cup of café au lait, I kept repeating to myself, “Act normal, act normal.” That’s when I heard Yachi’s voice, still thick with sleep, say, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” I replied, turning around, but what I saw made me freeze. Yachi was wearing sweatpants and a shirt, but the shirt was carelessly unbuttoned at the collar, revealing much of his chest. His slender chest, with faintly colored nipples, was in full view.

“Are you feeling better?” Yachi asked, but I was too flustered by the sight of his exposed chest to process the question. Yachi noticed my confusion and tilted his head. It was only then that I remembered the headache I had used as an excuse to retreat to my room last night.

“Yes, I’m fine now. I took a walk after I woke up. Here you go,” I said, quickly handing Yachi the café au lait and attempting to retreat to my room. I couldn’t bring myself to look at his chest any longer.

“Haruno,” Yachi called out, stopping me in my tracks.

“Aren’t you going to join me?”

I had prepared two cups of café au lait, but the sight of his unbuttoned shirt… I wished he would just button it up. But considering yesterday’s events, asking him to do so now would make it seem like I was overthinking everything.

Yachi grabbed the other mug from the kitchen and brought it over to me, saying, “Here you go,” before sitting down on the sofa and sipping his drink. Watching him relax like that started to annoy me. If he didn’t care about being seen with his chest exposed, then it wasn’t my fault for looking. Blaming Yachi for his carelessness, I sat across from him and boldly stared at his chest.

His body wasn’t particularly masculine or well-toned, but I preferred a more average build over someone overly muscular. Yachi seemed oblivious to my gaze, staring out the window absentmindedly. I wondered what that exposed chest smelled like.

Suddenly, Yachi caught me staring. I felt like he had caught me red-handed, and I swallowed hard.

“There’s a park nearby, isn’t there? I saw a lot of pigeons there yesterday and ended up feeding them some leftover bread,” Yachi said, twisting his body slightly. The movement caused his shirt to gape even more, revealing his underarm. I noticed how sparse his body hair was, and I felt a heavy thud in my lower body.

“Excuse me,” I mumbled, quickly heading to the bathroom. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like a middle schooler, reacting like this just from seeing someone’s armpit. But it wasn’t just that—it was the sight of his unbuttoned shirt and pale skin…

As the heat gathered in my groin again, I desperately tried to stop thinking about it. But then I felt something warm trickle down the inside of my nose. Panicking, I rushed to the sink. Blood splattered red against the white basin.

I pulled out some toilet paper and pressed it against my nose. This was the worst.

I ended up staying in the bathroom until my nosebleed stopped. By the time I emerged and left the flat with Yachi, who had finally gotten dressed, it was much later than planned—almost 11:00 AM.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

We didn’t talk much during the train ride. Yachi’s awkwardness from when I entered his room yesterday seemed to have passed, and now he wasn’t avoiding me. In fact, he had shown up with his chest exposed this morning. I couldn’t tell if he was just oblivious or what.

Thankfully, he didn’t bring up the contents of the side table drawer. If he had, I might have seriously considered jumping out of the moving train.

The Tower of London was close to the subway station. As one of the top five tourist attractions in the city, there was a line at the ticket booth, but it wasn’t as crowded as I had feared.

After about five minutes, we were close to buying tickets. I pulled out my wallet from my jeans’ back pocket, but it felt unusually light. I reached in and found only a pocket tissue. My wallet… I frantically checked my coat pockets, inner pockets—everywhere—but it was nowhere to be found. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead, despite the chilly weather.

“Is something wrong?” Yachi asked, probably noticing my anxious behavior. Without answering, I continued searching my clothes, but the realization that my wallet was missing had already set in.

I was almost certain I had forgotten it. Why hadn’t I noticed sooner? I used my Oyster card for the subway, so I hadn’t needed my wallet until now. When we left the flat, I was more concerned about not forgetting my pocket tissue in case of another nosebleed…

“I need to go back home,” I said abruptly.

“What?” Yachi looked at me in surprise.

“Why?”

“I forgot my wallet. You go ahead without me.”

Yachi let out a small sigh. “I’ll pay for both of us.”

“But that’s—”

“I’ll be staying with you for a while anyway.”

“No, I can’t let you do that. I need to pay for my own ticket.”

I didn’t want to burden Yachi with the cost. But while we were arguing, it was almost our turn at the ticket counter. Without hesitation, Yachi went up to the window and said, “Two adults, please,” purchasing two tickets before I could stop him.

“Here you go,” he said, handing me my ticket, but I couldn’t bring myself to take it. Yachi gave the ticket a little flick, saying, “Then just pay me back for the ticket later. That way, it’s not about treating someone, and it’ll be fair.”

That seemed like the most reasonable solution.

“Okay, I’ll repay you for the ticket,” I agreed, finally taking the ticket from him.

“Well then, let’s head inside.”

Yachi’s voice was lively, but Haruno kept his head down. He had been off his game since yesterday, more restless than usual. He hadn’t expected to feel so utterly pathetic. Forgetting his wallet—like a schoolboy, no less…

They started their tour at the Jewel House, but even the sight of the Star of Africa, one of the world’s largest diamonds, failed to move him.

Haruno was the type to check off the highlights at museums or art galleries and then be ready to leave. “Once you’ve seen the main attractions, the rest is just filler,” he would say. But Yachi was different. He stopped at every small exhibit, reading the accompanying descriptions and comparing them with the brochure. Haruno couldn’t shake off the thoughts of his forgotten wallet, but watching Yachi so absorbed in the exhibits gradually calmed him.

Yachi took his time examining each display, and they were soon being passed by other tourists. It felt as though they were fish swimming in a different tank, moving at a different pace, in a different current. Normally, being out of sync with someone would irritate Haruno, but today, it didn’t bother him at all.

Perhaps it was because the purpose of this outing wasn’t really about sightseeing. As long as he was with Yachi, as long as he could watch him, Haruno was content. Drifting along in Yachi’s flow felt strangely comfortable, like they were walking through a world separate from everyone else.

Time spent like this with Yachi was precious. Who knew when—or if—he’d have another opportunity like this? So he decided to set aside his worries about the wallet and his earlier mishaps, and focus on enjoying the moment.

It was about two hours before they finally left the Jewel House.

“Let’s take a break and grab something to eat,” Yachi suggested, glancing toward a nearby café. Normally, Haruno would have readily agreed, but today…

“Could we split the bill later?” Yachi asked hesitantly, as if testing Haruno’s mood. Embarrassment surged within Haruno. He should have been the one to suggest it first. He might have been feeling awkward about the wallet situation, but Yachi was considerate enough to navigate around it.

“Yes, let’s do that,” Haruno replied. Yachi smiled in relief. The café was crowded, as it was lunchtime, but they managed to secure a seat by the window.

Haruno made a new discovery about Yachi. His English was surprisingly good. Haruno had noticed his clear pronunciation when buying tickets, but Yachi’s fluency during their order at the café was impressive. Haruno had expected Yachi to manage well enough to get by since he was traveling alone, but this was beyond what he had imagined. Yachi had mentioned he’d brushed up on his English before the trip, but this level of fluency couldn’t be achieved in just a few months.

Just like in Japanese, Yachi spoke English slowly, with a pleasant rhythm. It was so soothing to listen to that Haruno could have listened to him all day.

As Haruno nibbled on a lunch that wasn’t particularly good, he wondered if this was what a date felt like. He had never dated anyone, so he wasn’t sure, but… then again, dating implied mutual romantic interest, which wasn’t the case here. However, since he did have feelings for Yachi, maybe it could count, at least halfway?

Suddenly, he heard Japanese being spoken. Looking up, he saw two women in their late twenties sitting diagonally across from them. With their black hair, dark eyes, and yellow-toned skin, they were unmistakably Japanese. It wasn’t unusual to see Japanese tourists in such a popular spot, but Haruno felt as if they were watching him. He quickly looked away, trying not to appear self-conscious.

“Haruno-san, are you not very hungry?” Yachi asked, his gaze resting on Haruno’s plate, which was still half-full. Haruno had been picking at the bacon, avoiding the bland boiled potatoes that seemed impossible to finish.

“Not really,” Haruno replied vaguely.

“If you’d like, you can have some of mine,” Yachi offered, sliding some of his bacon onto Haruno’s plate.

“Oh, but…” Haruno started to protest.

“It seemed like you liked it,” Yachi said simply.

“But if I keep taking your food, you won’t have enough…”

“Then I’ll take some of your potatoes,” Yachi said, taking the unappetizing potatoes from Haruno’s plate. He must have noticed that Haruno wasn’t eating them. Haruno didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to people being so thoughtful toward him. Determined not to waste what Yachi had given him, Haruno slowly finished off the bacon.

They spent about an hour at the café before heading outside again. As Haruno watched Yachi walking a bit ahead of him, he wondered if Yachi was this kind and considerate to everyone. He remembered how Yachi had easily fed stray cats.

If someone like Yachi were to fall in love… what would he be like if he truly gave his heart to someone?

“Excuse me,” a voice called from behind. Both Haruno and Yachi turned around simultaneously to see the two Japanese women from the café approaching them.

“Could you take a picture of us?” one of the women, the one with short hair, asked Haruno. Her cheap-looking earrings dangled annoyingly, the kind you’d find at a street market in India. Honestly, Haruno found the request bothersome, but with Yachi watching, he couldn’t refuse.

“Sure,” Haruno said, taking the camera and snapping three quick shots.

“Thank you so much,” the woman said with a bright smile.

“We saw you in the café earlier. Do you live in London?” she asked.

“Yes,” Haruno replied curtly.

“I thought so,” she said, clasping her hands together. “You seemed so at home here, I figured you weren’t just a tourist.”

Haruno heard more conversation behind him and saw that the other woman, the one with a beige scarf, was talking to Yachi. The women seemed younger at first glance, but up close, their skin suggested they were a bit older.

“Is that your brother?” the short-haired woman asked, pointing at Yachi.

For a moment, Haruno hesitated before answering. “No, we’re just friends.”

Just as he spoke, the woman with the scarf called out, “Hey, guess what? He’s just like us! He’s staying in the UK for another four days.”

She turned back to Yachi, asking, “So, do you have any plans for the rest of your trip?” Her tone made Haruno uneasy, like a dark cloud spreading overhead.

“Not really,” Yachi answered casually.

The way the woman was looking at Yachi was infuriating.

“Why don’t you join us for some sightseeing?” she suggested, grabbing Yachi’s arm. The sight of her touching Yachi made Haruno’s blood boil. He had been so careful not to touch Yachi unnecessarily, yet this stranger felt free to do so without a second thought.

“Would your friend in the glasses like to join us too?” the woman with the scarf asked, turning her gaze to Haruno. No way.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m planning to introduce him to a friend in Edinburgh tomorrow. We probably won’t have time to join you,” Haruno replied coolly.

Yachi repeated, “Edinburgh?” It seemed unlikely he would play along with the lie, so Haruno politely excused himself from the two women, saying, "We haven't finished our tour here," and then called out, "Yachi-san, let's head over there," directing him away.

As they neared the White Tower, Haruno glanced back, relieved to see that the women weren’t following them.

“Haruno-san, who’s this friend in Edinburgh?” Yachi asked, now walking beside him.

“That was a lie.”

“A lie?”

“They seemed like the type who’d insist on sticking with us, so I made it up,” Haruno explained.

Yachi touched his chin thoughtfully. “I see...”

“Besides, I thought you’d prefer to explore the sights at your own pace. Having others around might make it harder for you to enjoy yourself.”

In reality, Haruno just didn’t want those predatory women anywhere near Yachi. Yachi seemed to buy Haruno's reasoning, murmuring, "Yeah, it could be tiring with others around."

“If you actually wanted to join them, I could still go and find them,” Haruno offered, half-expecting Yachi to reject the idea.

As expected, Yachi quickly shook his head, flustered. “N-no, that’s not it.”

Haruno pointed ahead. “In that case, shall we check out the White Tower?”

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Haruno and Yachi left the Tower of London around 4 PM. Haruno had spent the rest of their visit on edge, fearing another encounter with the two women, but fortunately, they didn’t run into them again.

“Would you like to take a walk?” Yachi suggested. They crossed the Tower Bridge and strolled leisurely along the Thames as the evening set in. While Yachi seemed to be enjoying the scenery, Haruno’s thoughts were consumed by the earlier encounter with the women.

Yachi wasn’t particularly handsome, but he had a way of attracting people, especially women. It was almost surprising that he had been single for so long. No matter how much Haruno tried to keep an eye on him while they were in England, once Yachi returned to Japan, he would be alone. During that time, it wasn’t impossible for someone else to swoop in and take him away.

But there was no use worrying about that. They weren’t dating, and Yachi had no reason to turn away any woman who approached him. Still, the thought of him with another woman was unbearable. If it were someone like Sakaguchi, Haruno wouldn’t care who he slept with, but with Yachi, it was different. Haruno couldn’t stand the idea of Yachi with someone else. He would rather look away, distance himself—yet here he was, unable to break away even after traveling all this way.

“Mind if we take a break?” Yachi asked, sitting down on a bench along the embankment. He pulled something out of his coat pocket—a half-eaten bagel wrapped in a paper napkin.

“Leftovers from yesterday,” Yachi explained in response to Haruno’s curious look. He tore off a piece of the bread and tossed it to the pigeons pecking at the grass nearby. More pigeons soon gathered around him.

Haruno watched, thinking how Yachi seemed to enjoy sharing food, whether with cats, pigeons, or people.

“Would you like to try?” Yachi offered, holding out a piece of bread.

Haruno had never been interested in feeding birds, but he found himself accepting the bread. He carefully tore it into small pieces and tossed them to the pigeons. As he did, one of the birds suddenly flew up onto the bench and snatched a piece directly from his hand. Startled, Haruno let out a small yelp as the pigeon flew off with its prize. Yachi laughed beside him, “You let your guard down, Haruno-san.”

“I wanted to give it to the white one,” Haruno murmured, eyeing a smaller, white pigeon that had been bullied away by the larger birds.

“Here,” Yachi said, placing another piece of bread in Haruno’s hand. “For the white pigeon.”

Haruno carefully aimed and tossed the bread toward the white pigeon, but the sudden throw scared it away, and the other birds quickly gobbled up the bread. Haruno stared in disbelief.

“You startled it,” Yachi said, standing up from the bench. He approached the group of pigeons slowly, making his way to the isolated white pigeon, and gently offered it the bread. The pigeon pecked at it, and Yachi returned to the bench with a satisfied smile.

“I gave it plenty, so it should have a full stomach and sweet dreams tonight,” Yachi said, grinning like a boy, and Haruno couldn’t help but be captivated by his smile. His words, his tone—they were so soothing, like a sweet treat.

Yachi was kind, but for Haruno, the word "kindness" had never carried a particularly positive connotation. In work, it didn’t matter whether someone was kind or not. Haruno wondered if he would have been as drawn to Yachi if they had met in their early twenties. Probably not.

Yachi sat down beside him, bringing Haruno back to reality. Had he been staring too much? He glanced at Yachi, who was still feeding the pigeons with the remaining bread.

“Is the bread really that good?” Haruno asked.

Yachi turned to him. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the birds seem to love it…”

Yachi broke off a piece of bread and popped it into his mouth. He frowned slightly. “It’s dry and not that great, to be honest.”

Then Yachi broke off another piece and held it up to Haruno’s lips. “Here.”

Is he asking me to eat it? Haruno hesitated for a moment but quickly leaned in to take the bread with his lips, briefly feeling Yachi’s fingers brush against them.

“It’s not very tasty, is it?” Yachi asked.

Haruno’s mind was in a fog, and he couldn’t even taste the bread. Still, he nodded and replied, “No, it’s not.”

Yachi spent a while longer feeding the pigeons, taking his time. Haruno couldn’t shake the feeling that Yachi saw him as just another bird, receiving crumbs of kindness. But Haruno didn’t want to be just another bird; he wanted Yachi to see him as a person, to notice him.

He had already confessed his feelings. Now all that was left was Yachi’s answer. But the thought of asking terrified him. Depending on Yachi’s response, everything could be over.

A young couple walked by, arm in arm. Haruno glanced at them, wondering how others saw him and Yachi. As brothers? Acquaintances? A boss and his subordinate? Why did it even matter?

It shouldn’t matter what others thought. But did he secretly wish to hold Yachi’s hand and walk together like a couple? No, that wasn’t it. Something about that felt wrong.

As the early night began to set in, the world around them started to blur into darkness, making them feel like they were melting into the evening. Haruno wished it would get even darker, that the night would envelop them completely…

“What do you think that bright light is?” Yachi pointed to a glowing area in the distance. It seemed lively, with lights twinkling. Was it a park?

“Streetlights, maybe?”

“But doesn’t it seem more festive? I think I can hear music, too,” Yachi observed, his curiosity piqued.

Yachi seemed intrigued, so Haruno suggested they check it out. As they got closer, the lights grew brighter, and the sounds more festive. Haruno couldn't help but be amazed when they arrived—it was a park he had visited once before, but it had been transformed into an amusement park. There were merry-go-rounds, roller coasters, and even a small Ferris wheel. It was as if the attractions had been scattered across the park like toys in a large playground.

At the entrance, a digital sign read "Fun Fair."

"This looks interesting. I wonder if there's an entrance fee?" Yachi mused, looking around.

Haruno scanned the area but didn’t see any ticket booths. "It seems like it might be free to enter."

"Then let's go in," Yachi said excitedly as he walked into the amusement park, and Haruno hurried to follow him. The lights twinkling all around made the place look like a small, glittering jewel box. The atmosphere felt surreal, almost as if they had stepped into another world, one that Haruno didn't usually frequent. A small part of him, still grounded in reality, questioned what he was doing here. This was a place for children, not for two men in their mid-thirties and forties.

"How about we ride that?" Yachi pointed at the Ferris wheel.

"Do you think they'll let adults on?" Haruno hesitated, but Yachi had already approached the ticket vendor and was speaking with him. Turning back, Yachi waved him over. "It's fine, we can ride."

The two men boarded the Ferris wheel. The door closed, and the wheel started moving slowly, almost awkwardly, like a turtle.

"I've never been on a Ferris wheel before," Yachi admitted, his hands still in his coat pockets, smiling like a child.

"Neither have I," Haruno murmured.

"Same for both of us, then," Yachi replied with a happy grin.

"My parents were always busy, so I never got to go to places like amusement parks... Sorry about dragging you along today," Yachi added after a moment of thought.

"Why apologize?" Haruno asked.

"Well, I feel like I'm making you tag along."

Haruno considered this. "It's true that without you, I wouldn't have fed pigeons or ridden a Ferris wheel today. But I’m enjoying myself too."

"That's good to hear," Yachi said, turning to look out at the view. Haruno was struck by his own words. Was he really enjoying this? It certainly wasn’t unpleasant.

"Oh, that's beautiful," Yachi suddenly exclaimed, pointing out the window. Through the trees, they could see the Tower Bridge lit up. Haruno had seen it from afar a few times before and hadn’t thought much of it. But now, it looked exceptionally beautiful.

After they got off the Ferris wheel, Yachi bought them hot dogs from a stall. They sat down on some chairs nearby, drinking beer. Haruno found himself thinking that he was happy. Despite the cold and the simple meal, his heart felt warm. Like the white pigeon Yachi had fed, he felt like he could crawl into bed and have sweet dreams.

As they sat there, a blonde man walked by, then stopped and seemed to be watching them. Haruno, who had been enjoying his time alone with Yachi, felt annoyed by the intrusion. When their eyes met, the tall man with dull blonde hair and blue eyes smiled.

“Haruno, right?” The voice pulled Haruno’s mind back to a place he had almost forgotten. His blood ran cold, and he swallowed hard.

“What a coincidence! Do you live around here?” The man spoke with a strong working-class accent, the kind Haruno remembered from a previous encounter. The man’s smile remained, but he glanced briefly at Yachi.

Panicking, Haruno quickly stood up, grabbed the man by the arm, and led him behind the hot dog stand.

“Is he your boyfriend?” the man asked.

“That’s none of your business,” Haruno snapped in a low voice.

“Harsh,” the man chuckled. “I didn’t think you were into older guys. But don’t worry, I won’t bother you. I’m working the ticket booth at the roller coaster over there, so if you feel like it, come by and take a ride.”

With that, the man left, and Haruno returned to Yachi’s side.

“Was that someone you know?” Yachi asked.

“Yes, sort of,” Haruno managed to say, his throat dry. There was nothing to feel guilty about—Haruno liked Yachi, and Yachi knew that. But Yachi hadn’t given him an answer yet, and Haruno didn’t know if he ever would. In the meantime, was it wrong to satisfy his physical needs with someone else? It wasn’t like he had to remain loyal to someone who hadn’t even accepted his feelings.

The truth was, he didn’t owe Yachi anything. He had lived his life this way, keeping his emotional and physical needs separate. Even so, he felt his chest tighten with anxiety. Rationalizing his actions to himself was one thing, but he had no idea how Yachi would react if he found out. Would he see Haruno as just another guy who slept around, despite claiming to like him?

None of that mattered right now. Haruno’s only concern was not ruining what they had. The warm, fuzzy feeling he had enjoyed earlier had evaporated in an instant. He looked down at Yachi, who was still sitting.

“Let’s head back. It’s getting cold.”

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