Deep Breath: Chapter 2 - Part 2

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The subway rattled along, and Haruno glanced at his reflection in the window. Even though he was simply riding the train, he noticed that his cheeks seemed unusually relaxed, so he pressed them lightly with both hands, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t take the day off tomorrow. However, he had managed to secure a five-day vacation starting the day after. When he returned from lunch and abruptly announced that he was taking time off, even Sherry was surprised. Since starting at Sekudir, this would be his first extended break. He had sensed from conversations with his subordinates that they thought of him as a workaholic.

Even though he had taken time off, it wasn’t like he had any firm plans with Yachi. Yachi might have his own plans and prefer to explore the city on his own. If that were the case, his time off would be wasted, but he couldn’t wait to find out what Yachi’s plans were. His impatience had driven him to take the time off before he could think rationally.

Understanding Yachi was difficult. Haruno knew that Yachi likely didn’t have romantic feelings for him, yet he had gone out of his way to find Haruno’s regular lunch spot and meet him. Haruno couldn’t help but hope that Yachi might have some special feelings for him. But no, Yachi was probably just playing detective, much like Sherlock Holmes. Interpreting this as affection was overly simplistic.

Ever since they had run into each other in town, Yachi had occupied a corner of Haruno’s mind. Even though they had only spoken for about fifteen minutes, Haruno had already spent far more time thinking about Yachi.

The train arrived at his station. Haruno hopped off quickly, crossed the platform, and for the first time ever, took the stairs two at a time.

Whenever he found a man attractive and that man turned out to be gay, he would quickly make a move. Some people in his circle had partners, but Haruno had never been interested in committing to just one person. He found the whole process of maintaining a relationship bothersome. It was easier to go to a club, find someone he liked, and get what he wanted. All he expected from his partners was to satisfy his physical desires—nothing more.

Although he didn’t believe in settling down with one person, the man he had slept with most frequently was Sakaguchi, a doctor.

Sakaguchi was the same age as Haruno and married. He fell into a category that was disliked even within their community—he loved his wife but couldn’t give up on men. Once, Haruno had been sleeping with the same man repeatedly, and when that man started acting possessive, Haruno grew tired of it and decided to stick to less clingy partners. Sakaguchi was easy to deal with because Haruno knew he would never get too attached.

One time, Sakaguchi mentioned that his wife had gone back to her parents’ house because she was pregnant, so the two of them spent the night at a hotel. After they finished, Haruno pulled the cigarette from Sakaguchi’s mouth and put it between his own lips. He exhaled softly, watching the thin veil of smoke spread toward the ceiling.

"You smoke?"

Haruno didn’t see the point of asking something so obvious. He had quit because of the global anti-smoking trend, but he used to smoke.

"It makes me mad just watching you."

"What? Mad at me?"

Haruno laughed at Sakaguchi’s startled expression.

"Not you. A guy at work."

"Is that so?" Sakaguchi said, leaning in and taking back the cigarette. He pressed his body against Haruno’s back.

"Like a robot, he only does what he’s told."

Haruno’s chest was compressed, making his voice rasp.

"That’s the classic definition of a loser."

"Get off, you’re heavy."

Haruno shrugged Sakaguchi off and took a deep breath.

"It would be one thing if he didn’t know he was useless, but he knows and still does it, which makes it worse."

Sakaguchi stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray on the side table.

"That’s unusual."

Haruno turned his head to look at Sakaguchi.

"What is?"

"You usually don’t bother with people you don’t like."

Was that true?

"Even at the clubs, you don’t even make eye contact with guys you’re not into, let alone talk to them. You keep saying how much you hate him, but maybe you’re secretly obsessed with the guy?"

Sakaguchi’s hand started to wander as he spoke, causing Haruno to shudder slightly.

"That’s… not… it…"

"What does he look like? Is he a good-looking guy?"

As Sakaguchi slipped a finger into the area he had just been toying with, Haruno arched his back.

"His face is… average. But…"

Haruno reached out and grabbed Sakaguchi’s crotch, which had started to stiffen like a poorly trained dog.

"He’s over forty, so he definitely can’t keep up with you in bed…"

He was pinned down, and their conversation faded away into the sound of their mutual panting. Even after that, Haruno couldn't shake the words, "Maybe you are secretly thinking about him," from his mind.

From that point on, Yachi’s actions continued to catch Haruno’s attention. Initially, it was just Yachi’s work style that bothered him, but soon, it extended to his clothes, the patterns on his shirts, the shoes he wore, his bag… even the small items around his desk. The color of his tie didn’t match. His shoes were too cheap. The bottom of his bag was worn out… Haruno was annoyed at himself for scrutinizing Yachi like a nagging mother-in-law. He thought he could just stop looking at Yachi, but Yachi would somehow always end up in his peripheral vision, irritating Haruno. It wasn’t until someone else pointed it out that Haruno realized what was happening.

Haruno usually didn’t attend company celebrations, but that day, a major contract that had taken six months to secure was finalized, so he decided to show his face at the party, planning to leave early.

"Hey, is Yachi-san not here?" asked Nakamura, a female employee, glancing around the izakaya where the celebration was being held. A male colleague next to her replied, "He said he’s feeling under the weather and went home." Upon hearing this, Komazawa, a younger male employee, teased, "Nakamura-san, do you have a thing for Yachi-san?"

Nakamura denied it, saying, "It’s not like that," but her ears turned red.

"Yachi-san is way older than me."

There was a significant age gap between Nakamura and Yachi, more than ten years.

"Yachi-san’s over forty, right? He’s just an old man now."

Komazawa’s blunt comment drew complaints from the forty-something employees, who protested, "He might be an old man, but don’t call him that!" Komazawa shrugged and scratched his head, realizing he had touched a nerve.

"Yachi-san has this fatherly vibe, you know?"

While the men didn’t react to Nakamura’s comment, a few of the female employees voiced their agreement, saying, "I get that."

"He’s the type of person you’d want to sit next to during a break at a drinking party."

With Yachi absent, the female employees felt free to say whatever they liked.

"So, Yachi’s the safe option?" wondered one of the older male employees, puzzled by the conversation.

"It’s not like that; it’s more about the vibe," the female employees explained, brushing off the comment. With that, Yachi was released from being the topic of conversation, and the group shifted to discussing work.

In the end, Haruno stayed until the end of the first round of drinks. He didn’t plan to attend the second round but noticed that Nakamura was among the group who also chose not to continue. Knowing that they lived in the same direction, Haruno offered to share a taxi with her. Nakamura, seemingly nervous about being alone with her boss, sat quietly and small in her seat.

Haruno didn’t care much about how female employees felt about him, but there was one thing he was curious to ask.

"Do you like Yachi-san?"

Nakamura quickly turned around and shook her head vigorously.

"I don’t think age matters," Haruno added.

"It’s really not like that," Nakamura repeated in a small voice, her face turning red even in the dim light. Despite her denial, Haruno felt oddly detached, realizing that she was clearly very aware of Yachi, a man who seemed so unremarkable.

"I like Yachi-san’s atmosphere. He has a different aura than other people."

"Do you mean he’s kind?" Haruno asked, echoing what was often said about Yachi.

"He is kind, but it’s more than that. It feels like Yachi-san moves at a different pace from everyone else. Even when everyone is rushing, and I’m sure Yachi-san is hurrying too, there’s still something… I don’t know how to explain it. It’s hard to put into words."

Nakamura’s words gave Haruno a clue about the “something” he had always felt but couldn’t pinpoint about Yachi. A different aura. A different pace. Haruno’s irritation and discomfort with Yachi likely stemmed from this.

Haruno was strict about time, always moving according to a tight schedule. His pace was fast. In contrast, Yachi seemed to move slowly, even though time was equally distributed to everyone. The difference in how they perceived time created a mismatch, like gears that didn’t quite fit, producing an unsettling feeling.

Even though Haruno thought that understanding the reason would help him stop feeling irritated by Yachi, his prediction turned out to be wrong. The next day, he still couldn’t stop noticing everything about the man.

The week after the drinking party, Haruno ran into Yachi in the company entrance while escorting a female representative from Gregory & Co.

"Yachi-kun, is that you?"

The representative, who apparently knew Yachi, spoke to him in a much more relaxed and friendly tone than her usual professional manner. Yachi’s face lit up with a genuine smile, one Haruno had never seen before. It was clear that they were genuinely close.

Later that afternoon, while Haruno was having lunch at a nearby fast-food chain, he spotted Yachi wandering around with a tray in his hands. The seat across from Haruno was empty.

Their eyes met. Yachi looked like he was about to say something, but then hesitated. Haruno waved him over, and Yachi slowly made his way to the table.

"Please, sit across from me."

Yachi sat down with a hunched posture, apologizing, "Sorry, I couldn’t find a seat." He had ordered a burger, a drink, and fries. Since Haruno had always associated Yachi with bento lunches or soba shops, it was surprising to see him eating junk food.

Yachi ate his burger slowly, almost savoring every bite. Compared to the others around them, Yachi’s eating pace was noticeably slower. It was like a river that flowed more slowly than the rest. This must be what Nakamura meant by the difference in time flow.

Haruno deliberately slowed down his own eating pace to match Yachi’s. The taste of the not-so-great burger lingered in his mouth much longer.

"Haruno-kacho, do you sometimes eat lunch at places like this?" Yachi asked as he neatly folded the wrapper from his finished meal.

"What do you mean by that?" Haruno replied.

"I just didn’t imagine you eating at fast food restaurants like this."

"When I'm pressed for time, I often come here. It's quick and convenient."

Suddenly, Haruno remembered something.

"…You knew the representative from Gregory & Co.?"

At first, Yachi looked puzzled, as if he didn't understand what Haruno was referring to. But then he seemed to recall the woman from earlier that morning and nodded. "Oh, yes."

"Are you seeing her?" Haruno asked, realizing too late how abrupt his question was. But once the words were out, he couldn’t take them back. He had noticed how close they seemed and couldn’t help but wonder.

Yachi looked surprised, and Haruno regretted his bluntness. However, the closeness between Yachi and the woman had caught his attention.

"She’s an old friend. We went to the same university and were in the same club. Besides, she's married and has children."

If the person had been a man, Haruno would have checked for a wedding ring right away. But he hadn’t even looked at the woman's hands, much less her face.

"I see."

Upon reflection, it was a stretch to assume they were romantically involved just because they seemed close. The atmosphere grew awkward, and Haruno decided to leave. "Well, I’ll be going now," he said, standing up.

That night, for the first time, Haruno dreamt of sleeping with Yachi. He was surprised but didn’t think much of it. Whenever he was too busy to release his impulses, he would occasionally dream of sleeping with an attractive coworker or client. Since he had talked to Yachi at lunch, the man had left a strong impression, which likely triggered the dream.

But it didn’t stop at just one dream. Haruno found himself repeatedly dreaming of sleeping with Yachi. Even on days when they didn’t exchange a single word in reality, in his dreams, they would embrace each other passionately. On days when they exchanged a few brief, businesslike words, he would dream of doing it in the office. In these dreams, Yachi was hesitant at first, but eventually, he would aggressively take the lead in a way that suited Haruno’s preferences. While dreaming, Haruno didn’t realize it was a dream, so he greedily sought the pleasure the older man offered.

One day, Haruno found himself alone with Yachi in the elevator. Yachi, who had gotten on after him, bowed politely and stood in front of him. For a brief moment, Haruno couldn’t tell if this was a dream or reality. If it were a dream, the man who was slightly taller than Haruno would turn around and embrace him. Haruno expected it, but the elevator soon stopped, snapping him back to reality. Yachi exited first, leaving Haruno standing in the cold light of reality.

That evening, Haruno went to a bar and picked up a man. Though Haruno preferred a bit of roughness, the man was too intense, and by the time they finished, Haruno was nearly unconscious. Shallow sleep brought vivid dreams, and Haruno found himself once again embracing Yachi, kissing him repeatedly in the dream.

Haruno was abruptly shaken awake, pulled roughly out of his dream.

"It's time to go. You need to get up."

There wasn’t even time for a shower. As Haruno forced himself into his shirt, suppressing the discomfort, the man asked, "Is Yachi your boyfriend?" Haruno was startled.

"…How do you know that name…?"

The man, already fully dressed, lounged in a chair and lazily exhaled a puff of smoke.

"You kept saying it a few times while we were at it. I don’t really care since it was just for the night, but there’s a minimum standard of manners, you know? It’s kind of a turn-off."

Haruno parted ways with the man in front of the hotel. The last train had already left, so he headed out to the main street to catch a taxi. As the car sped through the city, Haruno’s thoughts drifted to Yachi.

He wasn’t young, nor was he particularly handsome. He lacked ambition in his work. His daily rhythm was completely different from Haruno’s. They had no common ground, not even a single likable trait, yet Haruno couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was always on his mind.

When the taxi arrived near his home, Haruno got out and was hit by a frigid wind that made him shiver. As the car drove away, leaving him alone on the sidewalk, Haruno wondered what he was doing. It was the middle of the night, he had work the next day, and yet here he was, spending time with a random man and then standing in the middle of the street.

Haruno had never been dissatisfied with his life. He had the skills to choose the work he loved, and he had never felt guilty about being gay. Even though society might label him a minority, he knew there were countless others like him in the right places.

But what was this emptiness? Why did he feel this way? It was true that he would age, and he might not be able to easily find partners like he used to. When that happened, he could always pay for male companionship if necessary.

When he returned home, his familiar room felt cold and distant. Exhausted, he collapsed into bed without even taking a shower. Suddenly, he felt a strange urge to cry, but he couldn’t analyze why he felt that way.

Regardless of his emotions, night turned to day, and morning came. At work, every time he looked up, he saw Yachi, slightly hunched over. Haruno couldn’t stop thinking about Yachi, even though he knew Yachi wasn’t thinking about him at all.

Confused by his own feelings, Haruno couldn’t shake his unsettled state as the year came to an end. There was a year-end party for the department, and Haruno decided to attend. Yachi was there too, but he was seated far from Haruno.

After the first round of drinks, Haruno spotted Yachi among the group moving to the second venue. A colleague had draped an arm around Yachi’s shoulder, asking if he was coming along. Yachi looked a bit troubled but nodded.

Although Haruno hadn’t planned on going, he found himself responding to the polite question, "Are you coming, Manager?" with, "I think I’ll drop by for a bit."

The group headed to the second venue in a loose, unorganized manner. Along the way, Haruno lost sight of Yachi and wondered if he had left early. As they approached a park, Haruno noticed a small crowd from his department gathered around something. Beneath a bench, there was a small, dirty kitten, no bigger than the palm of a hand, mewing loudly without any fear of people.

"Do you think it’s hungry?" one of the female employees asked, crouching down to pet the kitten’s head.

"Do you think it’ll drink milk if we buy some?"

"Don’t bother," said a man in his fifties, turning his gaze away from the filthy kitten. "Feeding a stray cat like that just out of a temporary sense of satisfaction is only going to make things worse. Leave nature alone."

The female employee glanced at the kitten one last time before standing up. The group started moving again, leaving the park. Haruno told the organizer that he had just remembered something and quietly slipped away from the group. Since Yachi wasn’t there, there was no point in attending the second round.

When Haruno returned to the park, he saw someone crouching by the bench where the kitten had been. He stopped when he realized it was Yachi.

In Yachi’s right hand was a plastic bag, and at his feet, the kitten was desperately nibbling on a piece of tamagoyaki.

Yachi, who had been watching the cat, looked up and noticed Haruno. "Haruno-kacho," he called out.

"Aren’t you going to the after-party?"

"…I just remembered something I had to do," Haruno replied.

The dirty cat was devouring the food that Yachi had given it out of sympathy.

"Isn’t feeding the cat just self-satisfaction?" Haruno asked.

Yachi smiled awkwardly.

"…If I were the cat, I’d prefer a full stomach, even if it was out of pity."

"But aren’t you just giving the cat false hope? Isn’t that cruel?"

Yachi looked Haruno in the eye.

"Isn’t it human arrogance to think that it’s cruel to give the cat hope and then disappoint it?"

The words hit Haruno hard, piercing his heart.

"For this little one, hope might just be about having something to look forward to."

The kitten rubbed its head against Yachi’s hand. Before Haruno could come up with words to defend himself, a wave of shame washed over him, making his ears burn.

The truth was, Haruno didn’t care about the dirty little cat at all. It was a trivial matter he would forget once he got home. Most people wouldn’t even think about the cat the next day, wondering if it was okay. Even feeling sorry for the cat at this moment was, in the end, just a form of ego.

Whatever they felt wouldn’t reach the cat—whether it was self-satisfaction, sympathy, or pity. Yet the fact remained that the cat’s stomach was full. Yachi probably understood that.

Standing in front of the man’s back, Haruno felt like a pitiful child. He didn’t want to be scolded by this man; he wanted to be spoken to kindly. He didn’t want Yachi to care about some stray cat but to look at him instead. But why? Yachi wasn’t his mother or anything like that.

Haruno averted his gaze, trying to avoid the overwhelming emotions beginning to swirl inside him. Yachi wasn’t gay. Haruno knew that he wouldn’t be seen as a potential partner. Dwelling on these feelings was pointless.

Even after realizing that he had romantic feelings for Yachi, nothing changed on the surface. If Haruno didn’t act on it, their relationship would remain strictly that of a superior and subordinate. He thought that as time passed and someone else caught his interest, these feelings would fade. But Yachi remained in the same department, always within Haruno’s sight.

No one else seemed to want Yachi. No one made a move. The frustration of having something desirable left untouched, yet not being able to claim it for himself, gnawed at Haruno.

Around that time, Haruno’s superior asked him for recommendations on who to cut during layoffs. There were four candidates, and Haruno suggested Yachi. While Yachi was diligent in completing the tasks assigned to him, he lacked initiative. Among the candidates, Yachi was the most capable, but he was older and single. Given the circumstances, it was hard to expect him to suddenly develop ambition.

After much deliberation, it was decided that Yachi would be let go. Haruno was the one who had to deliver the news. For once, the usually calm Yachi’s expression hardened like stone.

Privately, Haruno felt relieved by the decision. He thought that once Yachi was out of his sight, he would finally be free from the irritation and emptiness that had been plaguing him. Even as he watched Yachi leave the workplace, he didn’t feel a twinge of sadness—he was only focused on the relief of not having to be troubled by his own feelings anymore.

But emotions weren’t as simple as Haruno had thought. Once Yachi was gone, he found himself desperately wanting to see him. Until now, he had taken for granted the happiness of being able to see Yachi whenever he looked up in the office.

To distract himself, Haruno slept with various men, so much so that Sakaguchi teased him about being in heat. But no matter how many men he slept with, the emptiness remained.

Unable to suppress his urge to see Yachi, Haruno started frequenting the bento shop where Yachi worked, pretending it was by chance. He thought that seeing Yachi’s face once would satisfy him, but instead, it made him want to see him more. It didn’t take long for Haruno to start visiting the shop every week, exploiting the privilege of being a customer.

Yachi’s behavior toward Haruno was more awkward than it had been at work. It was clear that Yachi wasn’t happy about being laid off and didn’t know how to treat his former superior. Still, as a customer, Yachi couldn’t refuse Haruno.

Haruno knew Yachi probably didn’t want to see him. Yachi’s hesitant expressions and reluctant demeanor made Haruno feel miserable, but he couldn’t stop visiting the shop.

The stalemate in their relationship finally began to shift when Haruno noticed Yachi’s taste in books. Realizing that they might have something in common to talk about, Haruno started reading mysteries—a genre he had rarely touched before, apart from business books. By reading these books, he could share his thoughts with Yachi and gauge his reactions. The fact that Yachi had a large collection of mysteries provided Haruno with an excuse to visit Yachi’s home under the pretense of borrowing books. …The dead-end situation had an unexpected way out.

Yachi’s old Japanese-style house was a comfortable place. It wasn’t the simple, functional type of room that Haruno preferred, but there was a sense that the people who lived there were cherished by the house.

Wanting to stay there longer, Haruno would bring small gifts. Yachi would always serve the sweets with coffee, allowing Haruno to linger comfortably in the house while they ate.

When Haruno was in Yachi’s house, time seemed to move differently. Usually, he would find small tasks or tidying up to do if he had even a little free time, but in Yachi’s home, he didn’t feel compelled to do anything. Instead, he spent his time playing with the cat, sneaking glances at Yachi while he read, or skimming through the books he had borrowed.

He had never felt so relaxed in someone else’s presence or so at ease with the atmosphere someone else had created. Haruno had once heard a man who lived with his partner say, "I feel at peace when I’m with him." For Haruno, same-sex relationships had always been about satisfying physical desire, and as long as that need was met, he didn’t care about anything else. The idea of seeking comfort in a partner had never resonated with him—until now.

If Yachi had been someone Haruno could sleep with, he wouldn’t have needed an excuse like borrowing books to visit. But since Yachi showed no signs of being interested in men, Haruno couldn’t even joke about it, knowing that if Yachi ever became wary of him, their relationship would end. He wouldn’t be able to visit Yachi’s house anymore. For the first time, Haruno feared "losing" something now that their relationship had progressed beyond just being a superior and subordinate.

Theirs was a relationship that neither advanced nor retreated. Haruno was starting to accept that it would continue indefinitely on this parallel line when a woman appeared in Yachi’s life. Haruno’s reaction was immediate and intense. He hadn’t anticipated the possibility of not just losing Yachi, but of Yachi being taken away from him.

At the brink of losing control due to a mix of jealousy and despair, Haruno received an offer to be headhunted. When he learned that the position was in the UK, he decided on the spot. If Yachi was going to be taken from him, Haruno would put physical distance between them before that happened. Unaware of Haruno’s feelings, Yachi simply regretted that a friend was leaving. This infuriated Haruno—he couldn’t stand how Yachi, who knew nothing of his true feelings, didn’t understand him at all. In a fit of frustration, Haruno let slip his true feelings.

Even after Yachi found out that Haruno liked men, and even after Haruno confessed his feelings, Yachi didn’t change his behavior. He didn’t distance himself, but neither did he make any effort to get closer. Their relationship remained the same, with Yachi knowing how Haruno felt but not allowing anything to shift between them.

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