Deep Breath: Chapter 2 - Part 3

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Haruno climbed the dimly lit subway stairs and stepped out onto the sidewalk. He had come home right after work, but Yachi was nowhere to be seen around the flat. In the winter, the sun sets early in England, and it had gotten dark quicker than expected. Worried that Yachi might have gotten lost, Haruno decided to take a walk around the block, pretending to go for a stroll. Still, he couldn’t find Yachi anywhere.

Returning to his flat, he immediately turned on the central heating, knowing that Yachi would be freezing when he arrived.

Feeling restless, Haruno paced around the sofa. He pulled back the curtains and looked down at the street, but there was no sign of Yachi. Unable to sit still, he decided to clean the second bedroom where Yachi would be staying. The room was already well-maintained, with no noticeable dirt, and the bed’s springs and sheets were top-quality, far more comfortable than those at a youth hostel.

Realizing he needed to give Yachi a spare key, Haruno opened the drawer of the desk in his bedroom and took out an unadorned key. The thought of Yachi touching it made him strangely excited, and he found himself gripping the key tightly several times.

As the central heating began to warm the room, Haruno thought about offering Yachi something hot to drink when he arrived. He checked the kitchen cupboard but found only instant coffee. The instant coffee here was strong, and it would be better with milk, but there was none in the fridge. The nearby grocery stores were all closed at this hour, though there was a 24-hour supermarket about fifteen minutes away on foot. But what if Yachi arrived while Haruno was out? Perhaps it would be better to serve wine instead, though there weren’t many snacks to go with it…

The sudden buzz of the intercom startled him. Quickly answering it, he heard Yachi’s voice, "It’s Yachi." Haruno barely responded before rushing down the stairs, unable to wait for the elevator. Although the building had an intercom system that allowed him to unlock the entrance from his apartment, it had been broken for a month, so residents had to go down to the first floor to open the door from the inside.

Catching his breath, Haruno opened the door, and cold air rushed in.

"Hello," Yachi greeted him with a small smile. He was wearing the same coat Haruno had seen him in during the day, with a large Duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Haruno looked around but didn’t see any other luggage.

"Where’s your suitcase?"

"This is all I brought," Yachi replied, patting the Duffle bag lightly with his right hand.

"I thought about renting one, but when I packed, all I really needed were a change of underwear, a map, and some toiletries."

While it’s true that experienced travelers often pack light, carrying only one bag was more like a backpacker than someone with little experience traveling abroad.

"…Let me carry that for you."

"Oh, no, it’s fine," Yachi tried to protest, but Haruno had already taken the Duffle bag from him, leaving Yachi to sheepishly lower his head and say, "Sorry about that."

The old elevator creaked and groaned as it ascended. It was a small, cramped space that would be full with five people inside, forcing Yachi to stand close to Haruno. Haruno could feel the cold from outside still lingering on Yachi’s shoulder.

"Did you find the flat easily?"

"Actually, I got a bit lost," Yachi admitted with a laugh. "It got dark a lot earlier than I expected. But even at night, the city has a nice atmosphere, so I enjoyed the walk."

Haruno couldn’t help but think that only someone like Yachi could turn getting lost into something enjoyable. If it had been him in that situation, he would have been frustrated the entire time.

When the elevator reached the fifth floor, Haruno realized that, despite having been to Yachi’s house several times, this was the first time he had invited Yachi into his own space. The apartment was reasonably tidy, but the thought of Yachi’s opinion made Haruno’s hand tremble slightly as he unlocked the door.

Yachi’s first words upon entering the apartment were, "It’s warm in here."

"The hostel room was really cold, so I was thinking, 'London really is in the north.'"

"Maybe the heater was broken?" Haruno suggested.

Yachi touched his chin, "Now that you mention it, I don’t think it was working."

"In older places, broken appliances often get neglected. People here tend to be less concerned about things like that. Not everywhere, but… Anyway, please have a seat."

Yachi took off his wool coat and sat on the sofa. He was dressed casually in a gray turtleneck, a charcoal gray pullover, and jeans. The pullover had pilling at the elbows and cuffs, and the jeans were visibly worn. There was no indication that he had bought new clothes for the trip; it was clearly just his everyday wear. It was refreshingly unpretentious. After all, a man concerned with appearances wouldn’t be staying at a youth hostel.

Even though Haruno had been alone with Yachi many times at his place, he still felt nervous having him in his own apartment.

Act normal… What’s the usual thing to say in a situation like this? When they parted earlier, Yachi had mentioned he was going to Baker Street. Maybe he could ask how it was… But wait, wasn’t there something more important he needed to do? That’s right!

"Would you like something to drink?"

"Oh, yes… No, I mean, no."

Haruno couldn’t tell if Yachi wanted something or not. Yachi hesitated, rubbing his thumb against his lips.

"Haruno-san, have you had dinner yet?"

"No, I haven’t."

"I found a pub nearby. Would you like to go there?"

Haruno’s temple twitched in response. That place has awful food. Of all the places…

"I’ve always wanted to experience the atmosphere of a British pub."

If they went to a restaurant, there were still places where they could get a reservation…

"It’s close by, so we wouldn’t have to walk far. And I think pubs serve light meals too."

Haruno almost suggested a restaurant, but he swallowed the words. Yachi had already mentioned that he was on a budget trip. London was expensive, and even a moderately priced restaurant could have a hefty bill. A pub would be much cheaper. Although Haruno wouldn’t have minded covering all the meal expenses while Yachi was in town, it might make Yachi uncomfortable.

The mashed potatoes at that pub were terrible, but maybe Yachi wouldn’t mind. After all, Haruno had already convinced Yachi to leave his hostel, so perhaps it was better to let Yachi choose this time, rather than insisting on a restaurant. He could just avoid the mashed potatoes himself.

"…Sure, that sounds fine. Let’s go."

With Haruno’s decision, dinner plans were settled for the nearby pub. As he watched Yachi eagerly put his coat back on, Haruno sighed softly and picked up his cashmere coat.

The pub was located right after leaving the flat, on the first floor of an old two-story building. The entrance was narrow, but the interior was surprisingly spacious, with a long counter stretching toward the back and around ten tables.

Half of the seats were occupied. Haruno sat Yachi at a table by the wall, then went to the counter to order beer, fish and chips, a vegetable plate, and fried shrimp. He returned to the table with just the beer.

As Haruno handed him a glass, Yachi murmured, "It's warm."

"If you’d prefer something cold, I can order something else."

"No, it’s fine. I’d heard that beer here is served warm, and now I see it’s true."

They toasted with their glasses of beer. Although there were many people of Chinese descent in the area, and it wasn't unusual to see two Asians together, an elderly man with gray hair, blue eyes, and a work uniform glanced their way.

Sipping the warm beer, Yachi looked around the dimly lit interior of the pub. It had an antique feel, or perhaps just old, but Yachi seemed fascinated by it, his gaze constantly moving around.

"They already have the fireplace going. It gives the place a nice atmosphere."

His eyes were fixed on the glowing fireplace. As Haruno watched Yachi enjoying the pub's ambiance, their food arrived—greasy fish and chips and fried shrimp.

Yachi sprinkled salt and vinegar on the fries and took a bite. His face broke into a smile.

"Hmm, it’s delicious."

The fries weren’t as bad as the mashed potatoes from before, but they hadn’t been great either. Haruno reluctantly took a bite of the fries. They weren’t bad. Perhaps the chef had changed? The people behind the counter looked the same as before, but in any case, Haruno was relieved that Yachi wasn’t subjected to a terrible meal.

Haruno barely touched his food, filling up on beer instead, while he watched Yachi eat. The pub and the fried food weren’t his choice, but it wasn’t as bad as he had expected. Just looking at Yachi’s face made him feel like he didn’t need anything else.

Yachi licked the oil from the fried food off his lips with the tip of his tongue—a gesture that wasn’t particularly polite but carried a certain sensuality. Haruno’s heart raced, his mind growing fuzzy, yet he couldn’t look away.

Suddenly, Yachi looked up. Haruno missed the chance to avert his gaze, and for a moment, they stared at each other. Realizing that remaining silent would be awkward, Haruno forced himself to speak.

"It was quite sudden."

"What made you decide to come to the UK on such short notice? I didn’t think you were the impulsive type, so I was surprised."

Yachi narrowed his eyes and looked away.

"It wasn’t sudden. I’ve always liked Holmes and Miss Marple and wanted to visit the UK at least once. I couldn’t afford it when I was a student, and after starting work, I was too busy. But I looked forward to your airmail every week, and it made me want to see it for myself."

Hearing that Yachi looked forward to his letters, even though it was the letters and not him specifically, made Haruno happy. The hassle of sending airmail letters had been worth it if it had drawn Yachi to the UK.

"I didn’t mention my plans in the letters because I wanted to surprise you. Maybe that made it seem more sudden... Aren’t you going to eat, Haruno-san?"

Yachi offered him the plate of fish and chips, and Haruno smiled as he lied, "I am eating."

"I prefer drinking, so don’t worry about me."

Since coming to London, Haruno had lost about three kilos (6.6 lb). With no convenience stores like in Japan, and with some ready-made meals tasting awful, he had often resorted to filling his stomach with wine instead, leading to weight loss. He knew he might look better if he gained a bit more weight, but he preferred being thin to being perceived as overweight and lacking self-discipline at work.

Yachi, in his slightly worn clothes, seemed to blend into the atmosphere of the pub. There were trendy pubs popular with young people and more old-fashioned, earthy ones. This pub leaned toward the latter. Although the area was said to be middle class and safe, the patrons, judging by their attire, appeared to be working-class white men. Yachi blended in seamlessly with them, which puzzled Haruno. Did Yachi feel a certain kinship with them?

Yachi brought his beer to his lips, and when some spilled from the corner of his mouth, he awkwardly wiped it away with his thumb.

"I thought I’d feel more anxious coming to a foreign country. I can speak English, but I’m traveling alone, and I wondered if I’d be treated dismissively as a foreigner. But that hasn’t been the case. Wherever you go, it’s just people living their lives."

Yachi continued, "Knowing that you’re nearby, Haruno-san, gives me confidence."

The man sitting across from him smiled, a smile that captivated Haruno.

"I might be relying on you without your permission, and that could be a nuisance."

Caught off guard by the surge of happiness, Haruno found himself momentarily speechless. He struggled to find words, especially with Yachi’s eyes holding his gaze.

"… It’s a thank you."

He finally managed to speak.

"A thank you?"

"For lending me so many books, Yachi-san. It’s my way of saying thanks."

The reason didn’t matter, but it seemed to resonate with Yachi.

"A thank you, huh? The books I lent you were all second-hand, probably not even worth a night’s stay at a hotel. It’s a rather expensive thank you."

"Then here’s another benefit for me. After living here for over six months, I’m getting tired of English, so I wanted to hear some Japanese for a change."

Yachi’s lips curled into a smile, and soft laugh lines appeared at the corners of his eyes.

"Then I’ll have to do my best to keep talking around you, Haruno-san."

Yachi stood up, got another glass of warm beer, and returned to the table.

"Is the beer good?"

Yachi hesitated, "Well, um..."

"I just wanted to get a little drunk."

"Get drunk?" Haruno repeated, and Yachi’s face turned a little red.

"I tend to talk more when I’m a bit tipsy."

Haruno’s heart ached sweetly at the sincerity of a man who took such a simple comment about wanting to hear Japanese seriously.

"Then let’s get you another drink. We’re close to my place, after all."

"Uh, let’s not overdo it... just a little," Yachi replied.

As they continued their casual conversation, night fell. As Yachi had mentioned, he did become more talkative after drinking, though the only topics he discussed were books and cats. Haruno enjoyed hearing the summaries of books he had never read and laughed at the stories of a stray cat that occasionally stole Yachi’s lunch.

Before ten o’clock, they left the pub and returned to the flat. As the elevator began to move, it jolted abruptly, causing Haruno to lurch forward. Though it wasn’t enough to make him fall, a large hand steadied him from behind.

Haruno deliberately leaned his weight against Yachi, pretending to be unsteady.

"… Whoops."

He could feel Yachi’s breath near his ear. Haruno had braced himself for being pushed away, but the hand holding him was anything but cold. Pressed close, Haruno caught the faint scent of sweat mixed with the lingering tobacco smell from the pub on Yachi’s neck.

"Sorry. I'm feeling a bit dizzy..." Haruno lied, feigning embarrassment.

"You didn’t eat much, after all."

Though it seemed like he hadn’t noticed, Yachi had been watching. Realizing this made Haruno feel a chill, just as the elevator arrived on the fifth floor.

"Can you walk?"

"Probably."

If he suddenly walked briskly, it would seem suspicious. Haruno leaned on Yachi for support and slowly took a step forward. Even after entering the apartment, he continued pretending to be drunk, hoping Yachi would take care of him a little longer.

"You should probably lie down in bed. Which room is yours?"

He directed Yachi to his bedroom, the first door on the right down the hallway. Yachi gently laid Haruno down on the sheets. When Yachi reached for his coat, Haruno hoped, just for a moment, that something more might happen, but Yachi simply removed the coat and hung it on a hanger.

Yachi even took off Haruno’s glasses with care, then pulled the blanket up to his shoulders, gently patting his chest as one might do to soothe a child.

"Are you sure you’ll be okay for work tomorrow?"

"Yes," Haruno replied.

"I’m sorry to trouble you, but could you bring me some water?"

Yachi left the room, and once Haruno was sure he was gone, he mimicked the gentle pats on his chest that Yachi had done. As he relished the pleasant, sweet feeling, he heard footsteps approaching and quickly pulled his hand away.

Yachi returned with a glass of water and set it on the table.

"Can you sit up?"

Haruno pretended to struggle, and Yachi supported him from behind. The feel of Yachi’s hands through his sweater sent a thrill through him. He subtly shook a bit to appear unstable, prompting Yachi to place his right hand over both of Haruno’s hands, holding them steady. Wanting to prolong the warmth of Yachi’s touch, Haruno drank the water slowly.

He considered pretending to be drunker and clinging to Yachi, wrapping his arms around him… but he couldn’t muster the courage, and soon the glass was empty. Yachi set the empty glass on the bedside table and gently laid Haruno down again.

"I guess I shouldn’t let Haruno-san drink too much."

Yachi reached out, and Haruno wondered what he was doing until he saw Yachi’s hand create a shadow in front of his face, then gently stroke Haruno’s head. After all the subtle touches Haruno had engineered, being touched by Yachi was both a joy and a source of overwhelming emotion, making him break out in a cold sweat.

Yachi’s gentle eyes were focused solely on him. The joy of having the man’s undivided attention was fleeting, and as Yachi’s hand slowly withdrew, Haruno felt a longing for more, even though he knew he should be content with just that moment. The desire only made him feel emptier.

Yachi sniffled, then let out a small sneeze. Haruno remembered he hadn’t turned on the central heating.

"The second door from the entrance is the guest room, so feel free to use it. Also... could you turn on the panel switch on the living room wall? That controls the heating."

Yachi nodded. "Got it."

"I’ll be leaving around eight tomorrow morning. I’ll leave a spare key, so make yourself at home."

"Thank you."

After expressing his gratitude, Yachi asked, "Do you need any more water?"

"No, I’m fine."

Yachi said, "Good night," and left the bedroom. Once Yachi’s footsteps faded away, Haruno pulled the sheets over his head. He felt utterly embarrassed. The way he had clung to Yachi so pathetically filled him with self-loathing. He had always found it annoying when men in certain bars acted flirtatiously, and now he had become one of them.

Yet, along with that self-disgust, there was a feeling of happiness. The scent of Yachi, the feel of his touch… The memory of it made Haruno’s heart race even more than when it was happening.

He was too excited to sleep, like a child the night before a school trip. After tossing and turning in bed for about two hours, Haruno got up. He hadn’t brushed his teeth, and it had been bothering him. It would have been strange to brush his teeth right after pretending to be drunk, so he had resisted the urge, but after two hours, he could justify it by saying the alcohol had worn off.

After brushing his teeth, Haruno also washed his face and then hesitated in front of the guest room door, noticing a sliver of light escaping through the crack. Was Yachi still awake? It was already past midnight...

Peeking through the gap in the door, Haruno saw Yachi lying on the bed, still in his clothes from the day, motionless. The faint sound of his breathing reached Haruno’s ears. Haruno quietly opened the door and stepped inside.

Yachi’s face, half-buried in the sheets, was slightly flushed, and his slightly parted lips looked innocent, like a child’s. He had drunk quite a bit and was likely tired from the journey. Haruno realized that Yachi might have been more intoxicated than he had let on, even though he himself had only pretended to be drunk.

Haruno removed Yachi’s shoes, but he didn’t wake up. Though the room was warm now, it would get cold by morning, so Haruno pulled the blanket up to Yachi’s chin.

He hesitated to turn off the lights, then decided against it. Instead, he knelt on the floor beside the bed, resting his elbows on the mattress.

"Yachi-san."

Just saying his name made Haruno’s chest feel as if it were filled with sweet, melted chocolate. Yachi’s half-open lips moved slightly, as if he were chewing on something, then stilled. Yachi was just an ordinary man, not particularly young anymore, yet Haruno couldn’t stop watching him.

Haruno reached out hesitantly. His fingers trembled, making him feel clumsy and awkward. Yachi had touched him so easily, yet here he was, struggling.

Not even the first time he had slept with a man had he been this nervous. His hand shook as it finally made contact with Yachi’s hair. Yachi let out a small sound and shifted slightly, causing Haruno to quickly pull his hand back.

Yachi didn’t open his eyes. Haruno swallowed nervously as he watched for any reaction, then finally exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

He was so close, able to watch the sleeping face of someone he liked. It should have been a moment of happiness, yet it made him feel miserable. Why? Was it because Yachi wasn’t interested in men? Because there was no chance Yachi would ever love him?

Was he just placing an unrealistic value on something he couldn’t have, getting himself worked up over nothing?

There were only the two of them in this room. It wasn’t like the office, where they were just two people among many, and the distance between them was close. Yet Haruno couldn’t understand why he still felt so lonely.

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