Expired First Love: Section 2 - chapter 11

 The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

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When Murakami decided to live alone, he started working in a field known as "special cleaning," which involves cleaning up after lonely deaths, suicides, and accidents. He explained that a friend of his had committed suicide, and being the first to discover the body had been traumatic, so until he got used to the work, he was excused from cleaning up after suicides.

Murakami’s first special cleaning assignment was a two-bedroom apartment where the resident had been dead for two weeks before being discovered. On that hot, humid day, Murakami, along with Tachibana, Shima, and one part-timer, entered the site.

Komatsu had warned repeatedly, like a curse, “Unlike a hoarder’s room, the smell of special cleaning jobs is the worst,” and he was right. Back when Murakami had been homeless, there were people among his fellow homeless who reeked of filth, but those smells were nothing compared to this. The stench of death he encountered for the first time was… like leaving garbage to rot for weeks and then coating it with spoiled eggs… an intense, eye-watering stench. Now Murakami understood why Komatsu had said, “I just couldn’t handle it.”

They had fumigated the place with insecticide beforehand, so the flies were dead, covering the floor. Murakami wore a dust mask with built-in goggles, a cap, and a disposable plastic raincoat as he vacuumed up the maggots and dead flies from the entrance onward. He had never seen so many insects in his life. Murakami tried to banish the thought that all these bugs had feasted on human flesh.

After removing the insects, they wrapped all the furniture in plastic to contain the smell and carried it out, loading it into a truck for disposal. Since it had been a single man's apartment and relatively tidy, the cleanup went smoothly. Finally, they tackled the tatami room where the resident had died. The body was gone, but a dark stain remained on the tatami, where bodily fluids had soaked in, creating a shadow-like mark.

When Murakami removed the tatami, a powerful stench rose up again along with the dust, causing him to grimace. He wrapped the tatami in plastic twice over and carried it out. After removing all the tatami, Tachibana peeled back the floorboards, saying, “This is no good either, but the concrete underneath is fine,” giving an OK sign to Shima. Murakami had heard that if bodily fluids soaked into the concrete, they would have to scrape it off, which would increase the cost.

Once everything was removed from the room, the smell was reduced to about a fifth of its original strength. Since the entire interior was to be renovated, their work was done. It had taken the four of them about five hours.

Komatsu’s warnings had made Murakami more anxious than necessary, but it turned out that he hadn’t been as shocked by the site as he had expected. Even though he knew there had been a body, all that was left were the bodily fluids. This, he realized, was something he could handle.

As he was washing his hair in the shower at the office, someone entered the booth next to him.

“Murakami, how did you find today’s site?” It was Shima’s voice.

“The smell was intense, but surprisingly, I was okay.”

“You handled it pretty smoothly for someone who was so reluctant.”

Cleaning up after lonely deaths, aside from the smell, was not much different from sorting through someone’s personal belongings. Well, saying it was no different might be misleading, but the reality was that he was dealing with the life of a “stranger” he didn’t know. And precisely because it was a stranger’s life, he could approach the work methodically.

“Some people’s mental health takes a hit with this job, so if you ever feel like it’s too much, let us know early on.”

Shima seemed to be looking out for him on his first job.

At 5 PM, Murakami rode his bike back to his apartment. It was an old, rusty bike that a friend of Komatsu’s had given him for free. Aside from the shoes Uno had given him, it was the most valuable possession he owned.

It took about ten minutes to get home. He ate a simple dinner of rice, instant miso soup, and convenience store side dishes. Since he started living alone, cooking had become a hassle, and his meals had become much simpler, but he didn’t mind.

Once his stomach was full, he sprawled out on the futon he had left laid out. Tachibana had set aside a new-looking one for him while sorting through the belongings, saying, “Take this home with you, but keep it a secret from the others.”

He didn’t have the money for a cellphone, so he had been borrowing one from the office. When he asked Tachibana, “Can I send emails from the work phone? I’ll pay for the data,” Tachibana had replied, “Emails are already on unlimited data, so go ahead.”

Kagami called occasionally, but Uno sent an email every day, always after 8 PM. There were no romantic words like “I want to see you”; instead, Uno would ask about his work or if he was feeling okay, worrying like a mother.

It had been two weeks since Murakami left Uno’s apartment. They hadn’t seen each other since. Work had kept him busy, and even on weekends, he was out on jobs as an extra hand.

Murakami’s current apartment was close to his workplace, and after a long day, he was often too tired to take the train to Uno’s place. After living together for over a year, there were moments when coming back to an empty room felt lonely. If they had completely lost contact, it might have been harder, but knowing he could still communicate with Uno through emails made him feel much more at ease.

Although Uno sent him emails, he had never visited Murakami’s new place. Murakami had given him the address, but there were no signs that Uno intended to visit. That was fine, though. If Murakami wanted to see him, he could just go himself.

This current distance and relationship felt like what was natural for them. Even though he didn’t feel a burning passion to see Uno, he was comforted knowing that Uno cared about him.

What would happen to them from now on? The time when Murakami had clung to Uno had passed, and now that he had regained some independence, he wondered what Uno’s presence meant to him.

"Will I continue this pseudo-romantic relationship with Uno forever? The fact that we’re both men doesn’t bother me. It’s not something I’d talk about at work, but I don’t have parents anymore, and I barely have any contact with my relatives... No, that’s not the issue here, is it?"

Yesterday, Kagami sent me an email saying that it seems Hinano has gone back to her parents' home. There was no reason given. Did she simply return home, or is there trouble in her marriage? It’s not something I can find out.

Just as I was about to go to bed and had turned off the lights, my phone rang. It was Kagami.

"Yo, what were you doing?"

Maybe because we’ve been emailing each other frequently since we met up, Kagami's tone toward me had reverted to the carefree way he used to speak to me back in university.

"I was about to go to sleep."

"It’s not even eight yet. What are you, an old man? Can you make it to that R Café we went to last time?"

The café is about a fifteen-minute bike ride from here. I have enough money for a cup of coffee, and I’m also curious about Hinano.

"Sure."

"Alright, get here in five minutes."

I laughed. "Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll get there as soon as I can."

I hung up the phone. I changed out of my loungewear into jeans and a shirt, shoved my phone and 200 yen into my pocket, and jumped on my bike.

R Café is a two-story building, and there were quite a few people inside. I bought a 130 yen special blend and looked around the place. He wasn’t on the first floor.

I went upstairs, and before I could spot him, I heard Kagami call out, "Hey, over here!" I turned and nearly dropped my coffee cup in shock. Kagami wasn’t alone. There were also Miku, Hinano, and even Uno...

Why...? I couldn’t just stand there, so I cautiously approached the four of them.

"I thought it was just going to be Kagami," I said, still bewildered. Kagami grinned and gave me a thumbs up.

"Surprise success!"

"Anyway, have a seat," he said.

Hinano and Miku were sitting side by side on the sofa against the wall, while Kagami and Uno were sitting across from them. I sat down next to Uno, who was in a suit.

Hinano was wearing a pale-colored T-shirt. It had been about a year since I’d last seen her. When we met at the station, her hair was cut very short, but now it had grown out into a fluffy bob.

"It’s been a while, Murakami-kun," Miku said, leaning forward slightly with a friendly smile. The last time I saw her was when she came to persuade Hinano and me, and I ended up shouting at her. Maybe because of that, despite her light tone and smile, her gaze felt sharp.

"It’s been a while. I heard you married Kagami. Congratulations."

Miku blinked in surprise, then lowered her gaze with a "Thank you."

"Today, we were having a little get-together to cheer up Hinano, who’s been tired from taking care of the kids. While we were talking, we got nostalgic, so I called Uno on his way home from work. Then, I figured I’d invite you too."

"So I was an afterthought to Uno?"

"Come on, don’t be like that. I’ll make it up to you," Kagami said as he quickly poured a packet of sugar into my coffee, using Uno as a shield. Since there was no sugar on the table, he must have hidden it just for this prank.

"Hey, you..." It was a prank Kagami used to pull on me a lot back in the day. Seeing this, Hinano giggled. The nostalgia hit me.

"Want to switch?" came an offer at a timing that didn’t exist back then.

"This one doesn’t have any sugar. I just got here and haven’t drunk it yet," Uno said, offering me his coffee. Kagami gave a sheepish grin, realizing that the usual pattern was for me to reluctantly drink the sugared coffee.

"No, it’s fine."

"Murakami, you always drink it black, though?"

Uno tilted his head, puzzled.

"Maybe today I’ll give sugar a try," I said, trying to ease the awkward atmosphere that had settled in. Back in university, it was always me, Kagami, Hinano, and Miku hanging out together—Uno hadn’t been part of that group.

"Murakami-kun, you’re working in cleaning now, right?" Miku changed the subject.

"Yeah, I work for a specialized cleaning company that deals with hoarder cleanups and sorting through personal belongings."

"You’re really working hard," Uno praised, but since it was about me, I could only respond with a strained smile. It felt a bit awkward, like a parent bragging about their child, especially with Hinano watching.

"It sounds tough. Are you planning to keep working there?"

I hadn’t mentioned the part about cleaning up after lonely deaths and suicides, thinking it might be too much, but even so, it was clear from her tone that Miku didn’t think highly of my job. Today, I had cleaned a room where someone had died. Even with a cap on, it took several washes to get the smell out of my hair. It’s not exactly the kind of job people would envy.

"I’ll keep doing it until I’ve paid off my debts. The boss and the other employees are good people, and I trust them."

Swallowing my faint irritation, I replied quietly.

"The type of work doesn’t matter. What’s important is that Murakami’s back in the game," Kagami said with a small, triumphant gesture, and Miku didn’t say anything further.

"By the way, you started living alone, right?" Kagami’s comment drew Hinano’s gaze to me.

"Murakami-kun, were you living with someone?"

I had mentioned that I had someone I liked. Hinano might have misunderstood. Even though it wouldn’t have caused any issues, I hastily explained.

"I stayed at Uno’s apartment for about a year. I didn’t have a job or money, so he really helped me out."

Hinano turned her gaze to Uno, who was sitting across from her.

"I didn’t do much," Uno said, retreating slightly in his chair, looking modest.

"Uno-kun was always kind and considerate," Hinano said, smiling at him.

"Even during camping trips, Uno-kun would stay until the end to help clean up."

"That’s right," Miku chimed in, nodding in agreement.

"Even though some people just talked big and didn’t help out at all, right? Still, it's impressive that Uno-kun let you stay with him for a whole year, even if you’re friends. Didn't he have a girlfriend?"

Uno’s face instantly turned red, and Murakami swallowed nervously. He wondered if Uno was going to say that the two of them were actually in a relationship in front of everyone. That wouldn't be entirely wrong... but he didn’t want people to know. Especially not Hinano...

Uno glanced up at Murakami. Though Murakami wasn’t sure what kind of expression he had, the embarrassed look on Uno’s face shifted slightly to one of sadness.

"I... do have someone I like," Uno muttered, his head slightly bowed. Murakami felt guilty, as if he had manipulated the situation so that Uno couldn’t say they were actually dating. He knew he was being cowardly. Even though he liked Uno, they weren’t really in a romantic relationship. That’s why he didn’t want to say anything in front of everyone—he wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment.

"A one-sided crush, huh? You’re old enough, so why don’t you just make your feelings clear and go for it? By the way, what kind of person do you like? I don’t remember you talking about any romantic interests back in university," Kagami asked, curious.

Murakami had never really thought about what type of person Uno liked.

"I remember you always talking about how much you wanted to get closer to Miku-chan," Uno shot back, making Kagami try to cover his mouth, but he failed.

"Kagami joined the camping club just to get close to Miku-chan," Uno continued.

Miku looked up at Kagami, surprised. "That’s the first I’ve heard of it."

Kagami, now blushing, covered his face with his hand and muttered, "Uno, you’ll pay for that."

"Your romance worked out, and you got married, so what’s the big deal?" Uno said calmly.

"Well, yeah, but there’s a power balance in marriage, and it’s not all smooth sailing," Kagami replied in a pitiful tone, which made both Hinano and Miku burst out laughing. Kagami, looking frustrated, rubbed his mouth and grumbled, "Damn it, this is so uncool."

"Anyway, back to the point, what kind of girl do you like, Uno-kun?" Hinano asked innocently. Murakami noticed how Uno’s lips tightened.

"Actually, back in university, there was a girl who liked Uno-kun," Hinano murmured, which immediately piqued Kagami’s curiosity. "Really? Who?" he asked eagerly. In the club, there had been talk about who liked whom and who was dating, but Uno’s name never came up.

"It was Tamagawa-san, who was two years below us," Hinano said.

"That’s right, Tamagawa-chan was really into Uno-kun," Miku added. Murakami vaguely remembered Tamagawa—a short, fair-skinned, plump, and cheerful girl.

"Since we were in the same department, she often confided in me. I even helped her try to create opportunities for her to be alone with Uno-kun," Hinano said with a nostalgic smile.

"Wasn’t it around this time of year when we prepared that birthday cake for Uno-kun?" Miku asked, tapping Hinano on the shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, Tamagawa-chan made a big fuss about Uno-kun’s birthday coinciding with the camping trip, so all the girls banded together to plan a surprise birthday cake. That was fun."

"So nostalgic," Miku added.

Murakami remembered celebrating Uno’s birthday during the camping trip too. Hinano had been particularly excited about the cake.

"Do you remember Tamagawa-san?" Hinano asked. Uno’s face tensed as he replied awkwardly, "I remember her, but... just as a lively junior. Nothing more."

"Did you like anyone back in university?" Hinano pressed. Uno swallowed hard. Under the table, his fingers trembled.

"I... did... but..."

"Was it Misawa-san?" Hinano asked.

Uno’s expression went blank for a moment before he quickly shook his head, "N-no, it wasn’t."

"Tamagawa-san couldn’t bring herself to confess to you, and then she heard that you liked Misawa-san, so she gave up. I’ve always wondered how you really felt," Hinano said.

Kagami turned to Uno, "Uno and Misawa were close, but I don’t think so."

"Misawa-san probably didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me," Uno replied.

"Besides, wasn’t it Misawa who liked Murakami?" Kagami added, then immediately realized he’d messed up. Uno shot Kagami a glance, Miku muttered, "Idiot," while pressing her forehead, and only Hinano looked around at everyone with a troubled expression, "Is that... true?"

Murakami raised his hand, "It’s been years, so I think it’s safe to talk about it. On graduation day, Misawa confessed that she had ‘liked’ me. She said it wasn’t because she wanted to start dating but because she wanted closure before she went back to her hometown. That’s all."

Saying it out loud felt cathartic. Kagami mumbled, "So she did confess..." and Miku nodded, "That’s very like Misawa-san, not keeping it to herself."

"I... I didn’t notice at all. She was so nice to me..." Hinano said, tears welling up in her eyes. Miku pulled Hinano close, "There’s no point in crying about it now."

"If you didn’t notice, then it’s fine. Misawa-san probably didn’t want you to know anyway. Most one-sided crushes are like that. And didn’t Misawa-san get married a couple of years ago? We’re all different from how we were in university. We’ve changed. We’ve moved on. We’re no different," Miku said, her words hitting Murakami hard. No matter how much they reminisced about the past, things weren’t the same anymore. Hinano had married another man, and Murakami had gotten physically involved with Uno. Back in their university days, he never could have imagined this future.

"I didn’t want to change," Hinano murmured in a strained voice.

"I don’t want to change. I wish things had stayed the same as they were in university."

"What are you talking about? You’re married and a mother now," Miku said, almost scolding her.

Murakami understood Hinano’s feelings all too well because he felt the same way. He wished he could go back to the carefree days of university. Even if he had to leave his job, he wouldn’t let some trivial pride dictate his decisions, and he’d find another one right away. He’d keep a better eye on his parents, stay with Hinano, and never fall into the pit of gambling...

His chest ached, a sharp, stabbing pain that made him want to cry. No matter how much he regretted it, what was lost could never be recovered. The same was true for Hinano, sitting before him. Even if she still had lingering feelings for an old lover, he couldn’t reach out to her. He shouldn’t reach out to her.

Hinano cried a little, then stood up and said, "I'm going to fix my makeup," before heading down to the restroom on the first floor. After Hinano’s figure disappeared, Kagami looked around at everyone and said, “Hey, don’t you think Hinano still likes Murakami?”

The fact that even someone else could sense it made Murakami feel even more empty inside.

“Maybe so. But right now, she’s emotionally unstable, so it could just be that she’s feeling a bit nostalgic. I think it’s just temporary,” Miku affirmed before cutting the thought down bluntly.

“Murakami-kun, you have a girlfriend, right?”

Murakami was suddenly asked that directly. He had a relationship, but he couldn't bring himself to mention his relationship with Uno, so he stayed silent. Then, as if pressing the issue, Miku continued, “You told Hinano you had a girlfriend when you met her at the station, right? Was that a lie?”

Uno was sitting next to him. For Uno’s sake, it would probably be better if he said he had a girlfriend. But…

"It doesn't matter anymore whether you have a girlfriend or not. But... are you even thinking about getting back together with Hinano, even a little bit?"

Even with Uno sitting right next to him, Murakami couldn’t get rid of the distant longing he still felt.

"But Hinano’s married, isn’t she?"

He didn't deny it. His voice came out dry, as if he had to force the words out of his throat.

“Hinano’s husband might be a bit difficult, even from my perspective, but he’s kind to her, and I think their marriage is going well. But ever since she met you, Murakami-kun, she’s been unstable. She suddenly starts crying and says she wants to leave her husband, even though their oldest child isn’t even two years old yet.”

Murakami felt a moment of joy at the thought of Hinano wanting to leave her husband, but it was short-lived. Miku slammed her hand down on the table.

“Why couldn’t you have gone back to being normal, like you are now, sooner? It’s too late. It’s too late for that now. Kagami might be stupid enough to think that Hinano getting a divorce and getting back with Murakami-kun would be a good idea, but it’s not that simple. I know Hinano was really in love with you, Murakami-kun. But it was Hinano who chose to break up back then, and it was Hinano who chose to marry her current husband.”

After that storm of words, Miku let out a deep sigh.

“...Hinano is four months pregnant with her second child.”

At that moment, a cold, harsh reality filled Murakami’s chest. How could he have ever fantasized, even as a dream, that he might get back together with Hinano?

Silence took over the table. Murakami raked his fingers through his hair and tousled it roughly.

“...I know it’s all my fault.”

Murakami muttered, almost to himself.

“So, Miku, you don’t have to worry. Nothing you’re afraid of will ever happen.”

Suddenly, Miku started to cry. She covered her face with both hands, repeatedly saying, “Murakami-kun, I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize anymore…”

Being apologized to only made Murakami feel more miserable. He felt like sinking into the ground. There were things you could fix and reclaim, and there were things you couldn’t. That’s all it was.

As Miku kept her head down, sobbing, Hinano returned, carrying a tray piled high with donuts.

“I got hungry, so I bought these for everyone to share... Miku, what happened?”

Miku was covering her face with a handkerchief.

“Kagami made a stupid joke, and it hit her funny bone, so she’s laughing and crying,” Murakami lied, forcing a cheerful voice.

“Yeah, that’s right. Miku’s finally starting to appreciate my high-level humor,” Kagami joined in, playing along.

“You two, stop making stuff up,” Miku snapped, raising her face and reaching for one of the donuts that Hinano had bought. She took a big bite out of it.

“You look like a stray dog,” Kagami muttered, and Miku shouted back, “Shut up!”

“Miku, you’ve got a lot of sugar on your face,” Hinano said, handing her a paper napkin.

It really was like old times. It was nostalgic, it was fun, but it made Murakami’s chest ache with unbearable pain. He reached out for a donut, saying, “Thanks for the food.” He figured he probably couldn’t leave without eating at least one.

“The white chocolate one is called Vanilla White,” Hinano informed him. Murakami, who had been about to pick up a plain one, changed his mind and chose the white chocolate-covered donut instead.

“Still sticking to plain or vanilla, huh?” Hinano smiled brightly, and Murakami lowered his gaze.

“Uno-kun, don’t be shy. Have whichever one you like,” Hinano encouraged. That’s right—Uno was sitting next to him. …He had completely forgotten Uno was there.

“I’m... not really hungry,” Uno replied with a faint smile, his voice so soft it was almost inaudible. After finishing his donut, Murakami took out his cell phone from his back pocket. Under the table, he set an alarm for three minutes later. He felt someone watching him and turned to find Uno looking at his hands.

Murakami made a show of yawning and pressed his index finger to his lips in a secretive gesture. Uno kept his gaze fixed on him.

The alarm began to ring. Murakami took out his phone and, pretending it was a message, dismissed the alarm.

“Who’s it from?” Kagami asked.

“...My girlfriend. She’s at my place,” Murakami said as he pretended to read the nonexistent message. Hinano’s smile vanished, but Murakami pretended not to notice. Instead, he asked, “Are you guys okay on time? Shouldn’t you be thinking about catching your trains?” while acting like he was eager to head back to his “girlfriend.”

“It’s getting late, so maybe it’s time we all head home,” Kagami said, clapping his hands as if to conclude the evening.

“...We didn’t finish all the donuts,” Hinano murmured sadly. Miku, picking up her second donut, said, “Take the rest home as a treat. Isn’t your mom looking after the kids?”

Hinano was tired, so Kagami and Miku offered to take her home by taxi. Apparently, Hinano’s family home was close to Kagami’s apartment. They also invited Uno to join them, but he declined, saying it was in the opposite direction.

“I had a good time tonight. Let me know if you’re around here again. I’d be happy to meet up for coffee,” Murakami said cheerfully as he bid farewell to the three of them. But as soon as the taxi disappeared from sight, Murakami felt like the life had been drained out of him. He wheeled his bike over to the front of the closed shop next to the café. Then he sat down in the bushes and held his head in his hands. He thought he heard a crash as his bike fell over, but he didn’t lift his head.

Miku’s words, the lies he had told, and a flood of regrets all echoed in his mind. Hinano hadn’t asked for his contact information. He had created an atmosphere where she couldn’t. Tears welled up in his eyes. Even though it had been years since they broke up, now, of all times... he felt like crying. And in fact, he did cry a little.

Murakami was aware that Uno was standing a little distance away, but he wasn't in the mood to talk.

"I hadn't seen Saitou since our college graduation, but she hasn't changed," Uno said, mentioning the name Murakami least wanted to hear in the world.

"She's a bit airheaded, but she's cute."

Suppressing his anger, Murakami growled, "Can you just be quiet for a while?"

"...If you still like Saitou, you don't have to give up," Uno added, ignoring Murakami's request and throwing out what felt like a completely irresponsible comment. A blazing fury took over Murakami’s mind.

"Don't say such careless things! Hinano and I can never go back to the way things were. Hinano has chosen her own life. I know that, and that's why I'm with you. Unless some cataclysmic event happens, Hinano and I are done. There's no way we can be together again."

"But what if something like that does happen? What if everyone else in the world dies, and it’s just you and Saitou left...?" Uno's words, steeped in wild fantasy, only irritated Murakami further.

"Stop saying things that don't make sense. Are you telling me to go to Hinano, destroy her family, and make everyone suffer?"

"That's not what I mean."

"But you're encouraging me to do just that," Murakami snapped.

Finally, Uno fell silent. The silence was so absolute, it was almost laughable. On his way here by bike, Murakami had thought about Hinano, but he hadn’t imagined they could get back together. But then, after seeing her again and realizing that she still had feelings for him, he got excited. It was Miku who brought him back to reality. He loved Hinano—he still did. But he didn’t want to make her sad or unhappy. He wanted her to be happy because he loved her... and maybe he always would.

His head was still hot with anger, but his emotions were starting to calm down. No matter how much he struggled, the conclusion was clear: "It's already over." He raised his head, covered his mouth with both hands, and took a shaky breath.

"What will make you happy?" Uno suddenly whispered. It was as if Uno had voiced the thoughts mirrored in Murakami’s own heart, though the person each of them was thinking about was different.

"If there's anything I can do..." Uno began.

"Sorry," Murakami interrupted, cutting him off before he could finish. The words slipped out before he could choose them carefully.

"It’s not possible with you."

He couldn't imagine a future with Uno.

"It won't work between us," Murakami said, unable to love Uno the way he loved Hinano.

Uno simply muttered, "I see."

"Sorry. I'm heading home now."

Murakami jumped on his bike, and without looking back, he pedaled away at full speed.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: su*cide mention.

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