Expired First Love: Section 2 - chapter 13

 The content warning is in the footnotes0.

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I washed my body and hair five times each. No matter how much I scrubbed, that smell wouldn't go away. It lingered, just at the edge of my senses.

"You’re still in there?" I heard Shima’s voice, even though he should have already left the shower room. When I turned around, I saw him peering into my shower stall.

"Your skin’s all red," he said.

"Uh... I still feel like I smell," I replied.

Shima grabbed my arm and brought his nose close.

"I don’t smell anything. Stop washing like a raccoon and get out of there already," he snapped.

It was only after his stern words that I finally stepped out of the shower room. It was already past seven in the evening, and the part-time workers had gone home. Only Tachibana and Shima remained at the office.

"...I’m really sorry about today," I apologized to Tachibana for what felt like the hundredth time.

"It was a tough job, and the heat didn’t help. But take a seat," he said, gesturing to the sofa.

As soon as I sank into the sofa, I felt a wave of dizziness and pressed my hand to my forehead. Maybe it was from vomiting so much under the scorching sun.

"Murakami, was the deceased today someone you knew?" Shima asked, making my body jolt in surprise.

"Wh-why do you ask?"

Shima sighed, as if he had expected it. "I saw the wallet and passport scattered in the kitchen you were cleaning. I’ve had to clean up after a classmate from middle school who passed away, so I understand how you feel."

I clenched my hands tightly.

"He was my boss at the first company I worked for."

Tachibana scratched his head. "No wonder it was tough for you. Especially if he was someone you were close to..."

"I wasn’t close to him at all!" I snapped.

"It’s because he embezzled company funds that I got caught up in it and was forced to quit!"

Tachibana and Shima fell silent.

"I’m sorry for yelling. I only have bad feelings toward him… and yet…"

"Gambling can ruin your life," Tachibana sighed. "The woman mentioned that he was addicted to pachinko. There are many cases of pachinko addicts committing suicide because of their debts. Some don’t even die at home; they cut their wrists or hang themselves in the pachinko parlor’s bathroom. We used to clean those sites a lot. We operate during the day, so we’d go to clean up during business hours. It was eerie to see people playing pachinko as if nothing had happened, even though someone had just died in the bathroom."

Tachibana glanced at Shima.

"Yeah. But I generally don’t feel sympathy for people who commit suicide," Shima said firmly. I buried my head in my hands.

"I was addicted to pachinko too. I hated that boss so much, but now I wonder if we weren’t the same at the core... I could have ended up like him. There were times when I was homeless that I even thought about ending it all..."

That sense of despair I had tried to forget came rushing back.

"But that’s just a 'what if,' right? Murakami, you didn’t end up like him. And that’s what matters. Even if you make the same mistakes, if you acknowledge them and never repeat them, that’s what counts. Suicide is the ultimate, irreversible act of weakness."

"But—" I raised my head.

"My parents... they had debts because of the company, and they killed themselves. They were honest, cheerful, and had never done anything wrong. But they hung themselves at home... They took responsibility for everything with their own lives. It wasn’t weakness."

Shima looked down at me steadily.

"...If those left behind are left to suffer and regret, then it was still the wrong choice."

His words felt like a denial. I didn’t want to accept my parents’ suicide as a mistake. But deep down, I knew it was wrong. I wanted them to stay alive. No matter how hard things were, I wanted us all to live together.

I cried. I cried for a long time, and when the tears finally subsided, it felt like the nightmarish stench had lifted from around me.

"If you’re having a hard time, why don’t you take a break?" Tachibana suggested gently. After thinking it over, I replied, "No, I’ll come in on Monday." Shima added, "Don’t push yourself too hard," but I knew that working was better than being alone at home.

I rode my bike back to my apartment. The night air was cool, occasionally mixed with the faint smell of exhaust fumes. My thoughts were consumed by Mizoguchi’s death. He had been a burden both in life and in death. What was the difference between him and me?

It was probably that Mizoguchi didn’t have someone like Uno. He didn’t have anyone to reach out a hand when he hit rock bottom. Uno’s selfless love was what had helped me get back on my feet.

I felt a deep loneliness, not just from the coldness of the wind but from within. I wanted comfort. I didn’t want to be alone at home. I stopped my bike, clasped my hands together, and pressed them to my forehead.

"I am kind," I muttered.

"I am strong and righteous," I told myself.

"I won’t stray from the right path again."

But was I really strong? Was I kind? Was I righteous? Or was I just trying to convince myself?

If I were truly strong, I wouldn’t be sitting here, shaking in the middle of the road on my bike.

I turned the bike around and pedaled as fast as I could, as if trying to escape something, until I reached Uno’s apartment. The light was on in the window, so he was probably home.

Driven by impulse, I rushed into the building and pressed the intercom for his apartment.

"...Hello?" came the reply, and the door opened. Uno hadn’t even checked who it was through the peephole, and he looked surprised when he saw me standing there. He was dressed in a shirt and slacks, probably just home from work and not yet changed.

"What’s wrong? Why are you here so suddenly?"

I couldn’t bring myself to say it was because I was lonely.

"You look pale. Are you okay?"

I touched my cheek.

"There was a lot that happened at the site today..." I trailed off.

Uno looked at me intently, like a doctor examining a patient.

"Do you want to come in for a bit?"

I nodded, and he let me inside. The hallway, the living room—everything was just as it had been when I left. I collapsed onto the sofa, slumping over. It was only when I felt my strength drain away that I realized just how exhausted I was.

"Did you eat dinner?"

I shook my head.

"I’ll go get something for you. Is a bento okay?"

"I’m not hungry... I don’t feel well enough to eat."

I hadn’t eaten anything since before noon, but I didn’t feel hungry. I heard the crinkle of plastic, and when I looked up, there was a convenience store onigiri and some tea on the table in front of me.

"You can eat it when you feel like it," Uno said, standing across the table, looking down at me.

"If you want some quiet, I can go to the bedroom," he offered.

"...If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t have come here."

Uno gave a small, wry smile. "You’re right," he agreed.

"Sit next to me," I said.

He hesitated for a moment before sitting down. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his stiff knees. His body tensed for a moment, but then he relaxed.

...I breathed in the familiar scent of Uno and felt a deep sense of relief wash over me. Why did being with him make me feel so safe? Probably because I didn’t have to put up any walls around him. This was the man who hadn’t abandoned me even when I was unwashed and reeking like living garbage.

I lifted my head and moved to kiss him, but Uno instinctively recoiled. His reaction hurt me, but it also made me angry. I grabbed his arm and pulled him close, embracing him tightly.

Strength? It was just self-deception. I was weak. I was so weak that I had ruined my life with pachinko.

It wasn't just physical contact that I craved—I needed something deeper, something that would comfort me on a profound level. Like before, like he always did.

Dragging Uno, who was hesitating, I led him into the bedroom.

"Mu... Murakami," he stammered.

I pushed him down onto the bed, which creaked loudly under our weight.

"No, we can't. My girlfriend might come over," he protested, trying to push me away. Ignoring him, I held his head still and kissed him hungrily. A sharp, burning pain shot through my tongue, and I pulled away, tasting blood in my mouth.

"If you're just here to do this, then leave," Uno said, glaring at me with trembling eyes.

"Do you really think I came here just to have sex?" I shot back.

The sharpness in his gaze wavered. I ran my fingers through his hair, almost tenderly.

"Please... don't fight me on this," I begged, my voice cracking.

Uno’s lips twisted as if he were about to cry.

"This isn't right," he whispered.

When he could no longer resist, I started undressing him. As he lay naked, his body trembled slightly. I could feel his warmth seeping into me where our skin touched. I ran my hands over him, from behind his ears to the tips of his toes. His face looked like he was about to cry, but his body was blushing a soft pink, like delicate flower petals.

I parted his knees, which he had pressed together to hide his erection. Finally, he covered his face with both hands. His body, which had started to respond under my touch, was now fully aroused. I positioned myself between his legs to prevent him from closing them and began to touch him deep inside. It had been a while, so he was tight and resistant, but I slowly worked him open before carefully penetrating him.

"Ahh..." Uno moaned, sounding almost like he was crying. Inside, he was warm, and he clenched around me as if trying to squeeze me out. I paused, kissing him gently while waiting for his body to adjust to the intrusion. Once he relaxed, I began moving again, brushing against the spot that made him arch his back and tremble with pleasure.

Just then, the sound of a phone ringing broke through the air, and Uno's attention shifted toward the sound. The fact that he was thinking about something other than me irritated me, so I held him close and shook him slightly. The phone stopped ringing, and the pleasure began to build again. I thrust harder, and the warmth of his body pulled me over the edge. It was only after I finished that I realized I’d forgotten to use a condom.

Despite having come inside him, I noticed wetness on my stomach. Uno’s erection, which had been swollen and rubbing against my abdomen, now lay spent and damp against his body. He had climaxed just from the stimulation inside him, without any need for external touch. Uno turned his tear-streaked face to the side. Men can’t fake it. No matter what they say, their bodies don't reject the pleasure given by another man.

I slid down, lifting his now limp legs. I buried my face between them, inhaling his unique, musky scent. I’d never wanted to do this before, but now I took him into my mouth.

"Ah... no, you can't..." Uno protested weakly, but his body betrayed him, hardening inside my mouth. As I sucked and kneaded his balls, his body writhed like a fish out of water. Watching him feel good because of me filled me with satisfaction. It reassured me that this wasn’t a one-sided act.

A loud noise came from the front door, and it was as if cold water had been dumped over me. My excitement vanished in an instant. Uno’s body tensed with a violent shudder.

"Yuuki-san, I’m here!" a high-pitched female voice called out. Uno’s face drained of color, and he started to panic.

"Murakami, move!" he whispered urgently, kicking his legs to get me off him. Footsteps drew closer.

"If you're home, you could’ve answered the phone," the voice said, irritated.

Uno grabbed my hair roughly, trying to pull me away from his crotch.

"Murakami... please..." he pleaded, but I ignored him, sucking harder on his now completely limp member.

"Hey, where are you? I saw your shoes," the woman called out from the living room. Realizing that I wasn't going to move, Uno hastily threw a blanket over us to hide what was happening.

"Are you asleep?" she wondered aloud, sliding open the bedroom door. The room fell into silence except for Uno’s trembling thighs and the tension that hung in the air.

"...What are you doing?" the woman's voice dropped low, all traces of its earlier cheerfulness gone.

"This is... well..." Uno trailed off, unable to find the words.

He could have just said it—that the person giving him a blowjob was the one he really cared about. If he had truly resisted, I wouldn't have been able to pin him down like this. The fact that things had come to this was because of Uno's own feelings. I grew frustrated with his refusal to face reality, and I bit down hard on his flaccid member.

"Agh!" Uno yelped, kicking his legs in pain.

"That hurts! Stop it, Murakami!" he cried.

The blanket slid off us, exposing our naked bodies to the cool air.

"A... man," the woman gasped, her voice trembling with disgust.

"That's so gross! What the hell? Die!" she spat, and I heard her storm out of the room, slamming the door behind her. The sound of the door closing echoed, leaving us alone again. I pulled myself up, and the blanket fell to the floor.

A sharp, stinging pain shot through my cheek as Uno slapped me. His hand was shaking, his eyes were red, and his teeth were chattering.

"This... is the worst," he muttered through trembling lips.

"You told me to move, but what would you have said? That we were just lying naked together, not having sex? Who would believe that?" I grabbed his right hand, which was poised to strike me again, and pushed him down onto the bed. I straddled him, looking down into his eyes.

"...Even if you hate me, even if you don’t trust me, you didn’t have to put on that kind of show," Uno said, weakly hitting my chest with his left hand. His words, spoken as if to protect the woman, made me feel sick. I wanted to ask him, who do you really care about?

"Did you sleep with her?" I asked.

Uno looked up at me with open contempt in his eyes.

"You claim to love me, but you betrayed me and slept with her?"

"Don’t be ridiculous!" Uno shouted.

"No matter how much I love you, you don’t give a damn about me. It’s always been that way. You’ve never really cared about me. Maybe I’m not completely invisible to you, but I’m just someone who’s there if you need me, but if I weren’t, you wouldn’t miss me. When you were borrowing money from your friends, you didn’t even think to come to me. I wasn’t even part of the group of people you thought of as friends. If you hadn’t ended up completely alone, if I hadn’t been your last option... you wouldn’t have acknowledged me at all."

Tears streamed down Uno’s flushed face.

"Even after you finally started paying attention to me, you’d leave as soon as you weren’t lonely anymore. You’d say you loved me, but then cry because you wanted someone else. What was I supposed to do?"

I knew I had hurt Uno terribly, but I had never really considered how deeply that pain went. Uno wasn’t the type to openly express his feelings, so I had never stopped to think about what he must have been going through while staying by my side. But had I really not known? Maybe I just didn’t want to see it.

Murakami gently stroked Uno's hair. He didn’t want to hand this man, who cried and confessed his love for him, over to anyone else. He didn’t want anyone else to touch him.

"Break up with that woman," Murakami said.

Uno sobbed loudly.

"I might not be able to love you... but stay by my side."

Uno’s trembling lips cursed him, calling him "a heartless bastard." Despite the insults, Murakami pulled Uno closer, holding his now thinner body tightly as their bodies pressed together.

"You heartless bastard! If it were Saitou-san, you’d never do something so terrible. You’d never say such things... You even said yourself that you couldn’t be happy with me. But then you only come to me when you’re lonely... always... always..." Uno’s voice trailed off, but his arms wrapped around Murakami’s back, pulling him closer.

...Uno was right. If it were Hinano, I’d never demand something so unreasonable.

I’m just taking advantage of this man. Uno lets me because he forgives everything... anything I do.

"When I had a crush on you, I thought it would be so much fun to be with you. But it’s not. It’s not fun at all. When you’re around, it’s painful."

Even if it hurts, I can’t let go. I cupped his face and kissed him hungrily. As I kissed him, Uno hiccupped like a child. When I pulled away, he broke down and started crying.

"My... it hurts," Uno whimpered through his tears.

"It hurts... so much."

"I’m sorry, I’m sorry," Murakami apologized, pulling the fallen blanket back over Uno and hugging him tightly. Murakami let out a deep sigh.

:-::-:

The next morning, Murakami woke up hungry. The room was dim, but when he looked at the clock, it was already 10 a.m. He quietly pulled back the curtains and saw that it was raining outside.

The weather was bad, and his stomach was growling, but his mind felt clear. Uno, with his puffy eyelids, was still asleep next to him, wrapped in the sheets. The mattress springs creaked when Murakami got out of bed, but Uno showed no signs of waking.

Murakami went to the living room and quickly ate the onigiri that had been left on the table, almost choking on it before gulping down some tea. As he was about to return to bed, he stepped on something that made a weird crunching sound. It was the borrowed cellphone. Worried that the screen might be cracked, he hurriedly flipped it open and was relieved to see it was fine.

On a whim, he opened the camera function and zoomed in on Uno’s sleeping face. Seeing the strange allure in his tear-streaked, swollen eyes, Murakami couldn’t resist snapping a picture. Pleased with how it turned out, he saved it.

Crouching down beside the bed, Murakami touched Uno’s cheek, running his hand over it again and again. Finally, after too much petting, Uno’s eyelids squeezed shut as if annoyed before slowly opening again.

His sleepy eyes looked up at Murakami, and seeing himself reflected in those eyes, Murakami felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. He leaned in, and Uno closed his eyes, parting his lips invitingly. As their kiss deepened, Murakami felt the urge to touch him, so he climbed back into bed.

As he kissed him, he let his hands roam, touching Uno’s shoulders, back, and waist, wherever he felt like. When his hand brushed the base of Uno’s erection, Uno let out a startled gasp. Surprised by the reaction, Murakami quickly pulled his hand away.

I just touched it... he thought, puzzled, before remembering the rough treatment from the day before.

"Does it still hurt?" Murakami asked.

Uno blushed all the way down to his neck.

"It’s... okay. I was just surprised, that’s all," he said.

Murakami stroked Uno’s forehead.

"I guess that was pretty traumatic. I’m sorry."

Uno gave a wry smile but didn’t deny it.

"But I promise I’ll never do that again... so don’t let anyone else, either," Murakami said, looking into his eyes and pleading.

Uno didn’t respond with a yes. "Come on," Murakami pressed, but still, Uno didn’t reply. Instead, he got out of bed and didn’t come back.

Murakami waited for a while, then went to find him. Uno was sitting on the sofa in just his underwear. Murakami wondered if he wanted to be alone, but he sat next to him and pulled him into an embrace. Uno didn’t resist.

Wanting to hold him closer, Murakami positioned Uno to straddle his lap, facing him. He pulled Uno against him and pressed his face into Uno’s chest. He could feel Uno’s heart pounding wildly.

"Your heart’s racing," Murakami laughed.

"It’s because this feels different from usual," Uno murmured.

"What feels different?"

"You," Uno replied, looking down. "But it’s nothing, forget it," he said, shaking his head.

"Tell me. Now I’m curious," Murakami urged.

But Uno remained silent, stubbornly closing his mouth. Murakami playfully pinched his lips.

"Don’t play with my face," Uno scolded.

Murakami laughed and caressed Uno’s cheek.

"I’m not as strong as you think I am," Murakami admitted, then continued, "When I’m having a hard time, I want you to comfort me. I need you."

Uno ran his fingers through Murakami’s hair, and Murakami was reminded of the time Uno had cut his hair when he started working at BC Corporation, a memory that brought a sense of comfort.

"...Today, you’re looking at me like you’re in love," Uno murmured, his voice barely audible.

"It’s unsettling."

After a brief silence, Murakami asked, "Why do you think I’m in love?"

Uno suddenly blurted, "I’m sorry," and covered his face with his hands.

"Sorry for saying something weird."

Murakami gently took Uno’s hands away from his face. Uno looked like he was about to cry.

"I love you," Murakami said, and suddenly everything made sense. His unusually cheerful mood since the morning clicked into place. But instead of a happy response, Uno burst into tears and clung to him.

As Uno cried, his sobs growing louder than the rain outside, Murakami couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of fulfillment. The weather was gloomy, and the man on his lap was bawling his eyes out, yet Murakami felt content. He wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t lonely. He wanted to be gentler with Uno, to keep him from crying.

As the sound of the rain enveloped them, Murakami tenderly stroked the head of the man he might just love.



THE END

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW, dub-con, su*cide mention.

The EPUB version is available at the Ko-fi Shop.

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Comments

  1. Murakami is terrible. But I’m glad he realized what he had when someone else came into the picture.

    I’m surprised there aren’t any extras, I still have a feeling that Murakami is still ashamed of his same sex relationship, and he’d never reveal their relationship to his camping friends. It would have been nice to see him proudly say that he’s going out with Uno.

    Thank you so much for another amazing translation of khara’s works. The angst was so delicious in this one, and I feel like it is one of her regular romance formulas, which really hit the spot. Can’t wait to see what you work on next! Xoxo

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    Replies
    1. He is indeed terrible. He's not even sure he loves Uno, he's just afraid of being lonely and forgotten, so he latched unto him. If Saitou was still single he would've left Uno in a heartbeat 😭
      The illustrator drew a short story as an extra, but the resolution is really low. I think I can post it as it is with the translation under it, because I can't clear the JP text.
      Thank you so much 💕 the next work will be another Khara novel but I'm going to take a break until next month xoxo

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