Planet: Chapter 5

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Ah, it’s so bright. It glitters, blinding white. Everything I see is white. Maybe it’s the ceiling. There’s a sharp smell, like thinner.

“Mura-san.”

It’s Kan-san’s voice. I turn my head toward it, and pain throbs in my forehead.

“Ouch.”

“Are you okay?”

Kan-san’s face is close. Is this his place? The ceiling looks different. Why does my forehead hurt?

Flashes of Mom’s strange face, of that thing going in and out, fill my head. He said Mom was dead… The DVD covered in puke, the awful smell. I hate it. My head’s full of it, and I hate it. I just want it gone. That’s why I kept banging my head. When I did, it all went wham-wham and disappeared. I want to keep banging my head, but lying down, I’ve got nowhere to do it. What do I do?

“My head… I don’t like it.”

“It looks like you have quite a cut on your forehead.”

I want to bang my head. Make it go wham-wham and disappear. Ah, but Kan-san is here. Kan-san is here.

“Come… closer.”

“Closer?”

Kan-san comes near and holds my arm tightly. I press my nose against his head, and I can smell him. That makes it feel a bit better. But even with him here, the images keep coming. I hate it. I hate it. I hug him even tighter.

There’s a whoosh sound, and Kan-san’s body flinches, gently moving away from me.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

A man in a white coat with glasses stands near the curtain. Who is he? This doesn’t look like Kan-san’s place after all.

“Where am I?”

“…You’re in a hospital.”

Kan-san answers. A hospital? What happened to me? Did I hurt my forehead on the job? Wait… I wasn’t working. I was returning that DVD to the old man, and then…

“Are you feeling dizzy or nauseous?”

The man’s voice is low, and he’s wearing that thing doctors hang around their necks. So he must be a doctor. He tilts his head a bit and asks, “Feeling unsteady or sick at all?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Mura-san, can you sit up?”

When Kan-san asks, I sit up. A sharp pain shoots through my butt, and I yelp, “Ouch!”

“Does it hurt?”

The doctor comes closer.

“My butt hurts.”

“Your butt? Not your head?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe you bruised your lower back? Or do you usually get back pain?”

Did I bruise my back? Sometimes, if I squat for too long on the job, I get back pain.

“Yes, I get back pain.”

“Then that might be it. And you’re not feeling unwell?”

“No.”

“Your test results came back fine, so I think you’re good to go… Asada-san.”

The doctor calls a nurse into the room. She’s also in a white uniform. Kan-san looks at me and says, “Looks like you can go home.” Ah, I can go back to Kan-san’s place. I want to go home and sleep in his bed.

When I talk, it keeps those things from surfacing. But when I’m quiet, they creep back—the strange look on Mom’s face, the old man saying she’s dead. Is Mom dead? But she’s supposed to be on her star. Maybe she came back here and died. That story he told… it was just a lie. But what was the lie? My head fills up again.

Kan-san touches my face.

“The hospital called and said someone who was brought in by Emergency had an item with my address written on it…”

His hand is gentle, soothing. His voice sounds worried, and that’s nice too.

“At first, they suspected drug use.”

“I don’t do drugs. Dad said they’re bad.”

Kan-san nods. “Yes, they ran tests, and it looks like that’s not the case.”

“Did… you do this to your forehead?”

Yeah, forehead. It’s throbbing. I touch it, and a sharp pain stabs through.

“You hit your head on the floor before too, right?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“It does. But I just want to feel the wham sensation. I hate it. It feels awful…”

“I don’t know what you mean by wham, but could you stop hitting your head? Losing consciousness like this time is dangerous.”

As we talked, the doctor said, “You’re free to go now.” I want to go back to Kan-san’s room as soon as possible and clear out my head. As I get up from the bed, a sharp pain jolts through my butt again. Ugh, I hate this.

“Excuse me…”

The voice comes from behind me. The nurse is looking over.

“Um, your clothes are stained. Near your lower back…”

I turn around and see that the seat of my pants is red.

“Are you okay?”

“My butt hurts.”

The doctor approaches and mutters, “Oh, that’s pretty bad.”

“Would you like me to take a look?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Mura-san, you sometimes bleed, right? Maybe you should let him take a look.”

“If I rest, it’ll get better.”

Kan-san says, “It’ll heal faster if you get treated,” and maybe he’s right. I want to go home soon, but if it’ll ease the pain, maybe it’s worth letting him check my butt.

They pull a curtain around the bed. Kan-san stays outside, so it’s just me, the doctor, and the nurse in here.

“…Ah, I see.”

The doctor’s voice sounds from behind the curtain.

“How long has it been like this?”

How long, huh? Since when did my butt start hurting…? Oh, right.

“It started after I had… something inserted there.”

The nurse tilts her head with a puzzled “Huh?” Did she not understand?

“After something was inserted, I started bleeding. It hurt.”

The doctor makes a low sound, like a growl.

“I’ll prescribe some ointment for you, but it may be best to see a proctologist for a thorough check.”

The doctor applies some ointment to the painful area. It’s cold, and it stings a bit. I bear the discomfort, hoping this will make it better.

Since I don’t have a change of clothes, I put on the same pants. The red stain looks like I wet myself, which I hate, but there’s no choice. The nurse folds a light brown cloth and tapes it over the crotch area of my pants, saying, “You should use a pad when there’s bleeding.” I wonder what a pad is.

The curtain opens, and the doctor tells Kan-san, “I’ve issued the prescription.”

“Take care.”

Kan-san leaves the room first, and I follow. “Please wait here for a bit; I’ll handle the payment,” he says, leading me to a room lined with black benches. Since it’s empty, I lie down. I don’t close my eyes; if I do, all those horrible things will come flooding back. Even now, my head is swirling with things I don’t want to think about.

Kan-san is sitting a little ways off. Why isn’t he sitting close? Would it be okay if I went over there? No, he told me to stay here, so I should stay put. I have to do as he says.

Mom… is she dead? Will I never see her again? Did the old man lie when he said she died? What was the lie? Where is she? Is she nowhere? If she’s nowhere, then I can’t meet her.

Even if I go to my star, will Mom not be there? If she’s not, that would be lonely. Dad… Dad is there, right?

My chest feels heavy, sinking. What if Dad isn’t there either? If Mom’s gone, then maybe Dad’s gone too. If I go there alone, it’ll be lonely. If Dad isn’t on my star, where is he? Ah… what should I do if Dad is dead?

Kanabe-san, the police officer, kept saying Dad was dead, over and over. I thought he was on my star, but what if he came back, like Mom, and died? I hate this, I hate this, I really hate this.

My head feels crammed tight, my stomach twisting, making me choke and gag. Suddenly, Kan-san is in front of me.

“It’s time to go.”

With that, Kan-san starts walking. His footsteps echo down the dim hallway. I stand and follow, hurrying so I won’t be left behind. My butt hurts a little. It really hurts.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Outside the hospital, it isn’t completely dark. Everything around is tinged with blue, like the time of day when the recruiter’s car comes around. This place… it’s unfamiliar. Or wait, maybe I do know it after all? I’m not really sure. Kan-san’s walking so fast that I’m afraid of being left behind. I hurry, hurry, gasping for breath, and grab Kan-san’s arm. Kan-san flinches, startled, and jerks his arm away in one swift motion. The abruptness makes me stop in surprise. Kan-san turns to face me.

“Ah, sorry.”

Kan-san apologizes. On-site, there are people who are rough—those who hit, shout. I always made sure to stay away from them. If anything happened, I’d just say, “Sorry,” and run. Dad told me so many times, “Don’t get involved with violent types in the first place.”

Kan-san isn’t usually rough with me. But that moment was rough. My chest and head feel tight. I don’t like it, not at all. What’s happening? Kan-san looks down, scratching at his head.

“I’m… still kind of confused.”

Kan-san’s voice lacks energy. I start to feel worried. I also don’t like it when Kan-san is rough. I want to be near him, but I don’t like this feeling.

My mind starts filling with unpleasant thoughts. Mom’s weird face, the old man with the crooked smile, bones pulled from under a metal plate, a hair tie with yellow flowers like Mom’s skirt, scary Kanabe-san saying Dad was dead. My mind is buzzing, grinding. Where are my mom and dad? Are they not on my star? Everyone keeps saying “dead, dead, dead.” Are they really dead? If someone comes for me, will I be alone on my star? I don’t want that. I don’t want to be alone.

Ah, it’s here again. That awful feeling is back. I need to get rid of it. If Kan-san is nearby, it might go away… maybe.

I grab Kan-san’s arm. When I try to catch his scent, he shakes me off again. Why? Why? I don’t like this.

“I really can’t right now,” Kan-san says in a low voice.

“What can’t you do?”

“I heard… during the examination.”

During the examination? What about it?

“I just... I had this assumption that you’d be the type not to notice these things.”

“What things?”

“Well… I mean, maybe something that happened when I wasn’t around.”

“I don’t understand.”

Kan-san stays silent for a moment.

“I don’t have the right to say anything about what you do. I know that, but I’m still shaken. I need some time to calm down and sort my thoughts.”

I can’t make sense of what Kan-san is saying, even when I listen carefully. I just want to fix what’s going on in my head. I want this awful feeling to go away. Why did Kan-san act rough? Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Something bad… Oh, could it be the stealing?

“I returned the DVD to the old man. I hadn’t paid for it, so I returned it. I’m not a thief.”

Kan-san lets out a “ha ha” that isn’t really a laugh. It sounds strange, like he’s not laughing at all.

“That’s not it.”

So stealing wasn’t the problem. That’s a relief. Maybe it’s okay to touch him? I reach for Kan-san’s arm again, and he shakes me off, this time with such force that I flinch. Fear rises inside me. Kan-san is scary. He’s angry. Really angry.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”

“You’re angry, Kan-san.”

Kan-san’s face turns red all at once.

“…I’m sorry. Just let me be alone for a while.”

“I won’t touch you. Can I stay by your side?”

Kan-san sighs, putting his hand on his head. The bad thoughts about Mom and Dad inside my head mix with Kan-san, making it all feel worse.

“If you’re here, I’m fine. So…”

“Even if you’re okay with it, I’m not. Talking in circles like this is honestly exhausting.”

I haven’t done anything to Kan-san. I didn’t touch him. I’m just here next to him.

“I want to be with you, Kan-san.”

Kan-san was silent. After a moment, he said, “I don’t want to be with you right now, Mura-san.”

He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t want to be together. Is it because he hates me? Have I been disliked? Why? I even apologized for the stealing. Why does he hate me?

Ah, it’s scary. So scary. Kan-san hating me is terrifying. Why is it?

I took a step back, inch by inch, and then suddenly bumped into something with a thud. A utility pole. Even though I knew it was a utility pole, my mind went wild, and I ran. The sound of my shoes hitting the ground, tap tap, sounded loud in my ears, and my breathing turned ragged, haah, haah, making it hard to breathe.

Kan-san is scary. Being hated is scary. If I’m hated, I shouldn’t be near him. It makes him feel bad. I ran and ran until I was exhausted and my feet stopped. When I turned around cautiously, Kan-san wasn’t there. I had run so far that he was gone.

A station-like place came into view. There was a long bench, so I sat down. My chest was pounding, and my breath kept coming in gasps.

“Kan-san, I’m sorry…”

I couldn’t see Kan-san, but I felt like he could hear me, so I apologized.

“I’m sorry…”

I don’t know what it was, but something was wrong. What could it be? Why was it? Kan-san was always so kind before. He was kind to me. He was kind, like my dad.

In front of me, everything was blue. There was no one around. Ah, I wish someone would come get me right now. I wish I could go back to my star… Would my mom and dad be there? If they aren’t, I’ll be all alone on my star. That’s too sad. I don’t want that. What should I do? Warm tears started to well up and spill from my eyes. What is Kan-san to me? Is he a friend? Everyone says “friends,” but are friends supposed to be kind? In elementary school, even the kids nearby would say mean things. What does “friend” mean?

My dad and mom were kind. Family is kind. But Kan-san isn’t family. What makes it different? I don’t really know, but I wanted to be with him. I wanted to touch him. Whether something was bad or not, I wanted to touch him.

Tears are sad. They come out because I’m sad. I’m sad that Kan-san hates me. I don’t want to be without my mom and dad.

Ah, I don’t like it. I hate it. My mind is filled with hate, overwhelming and suffocating. How can I make this feeling go away?

I hit my head against the bench. Kan-san told me not to do that. But I hate it. It’s too much to bear. It hurts, but when I bang my head, the hate goes away a bit. Bang and then a dull pain, whoosh, bang, whoosh. My forehead hurt, so I lay down and banged the back of my head instead. That way, it made a similar noise. Bang, whoosh, bang, whoosh. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.

“Um, excuse me.”

A voice. I turned to look and saw a police officer’s uniform. A policeman. Did he find out I took the DVD without paying? But I returned it. I gave it back to the old man.

“There was a report. Can I talk to you for a moment?”

I don’t like policemen. They say unpleasant things. I stood up and walked. I turned around. The policeman was there, but he wasn’t following me.

Dad and Mom and Kan-san. Dad and Mom and Kan-san. My head kept feeling bad. As I walked, the blue around me started to fade, and it became brighter. I entered a short tunnel, and an enormous noise came from above, clank clank clank. Ah, such a loud noise. Loud noises fill my head.

I sat against the wall of the tunnel. The clanking noise echoed around me. It was loud. But if it wasn’t loud, thoughts of Dad and Mom and Kan-san would creep into my head. And each time they did, my head hurt.

Clank clank, Dad, Mom, “aaaaah,” clank clank, Kan-san, Dad, clank clank, Mom, Kan-san, “aaaaah,” clank clank, clank clank, clank clank… Ah, the clanking stopped.

“Aaaaaah, aaaaaah, aaaaaah, aaaaaah.”

Dad, Mom, Kan-san…

“Shut up!”

The rough, angry voice made my throat tighten with a start. Something moved in the back of the tunnel. A cardboard box shifted. Someone was there. There. There.

“Don’t go shouting first thing in the morning! Damn it. Get outta here.”

I got yelled at. Yelled at for shouting. I got yelled at. Oh, were they sleeping? I must have been a nuisance.

“I-I’m sorry.”

I stepped out of the tunnel. I hate this. So much hate. Even if I don’t want it, these hateful feelings keep coming up, making my head and chest ache. Ah, I wish I could go to my star right away. I wonder if I can go there. When will the pickup come? I hope it’s now. Mom said it was “good,” so maybe all the bad things will disappear.

If there are no bad things, did Mom come back here on purpose? Did she die? I don’t know. I don’t know. Where is my star anyway? I wonder if I can see it at night. Maybe it’s hidden in one of Kan-san’s drawings.

I kept walking, feeling weary, so weary, until I came across a house under construction with scaffolding. There was no sound when I went in. No people in sight. I lay down on the scaffolding. I should leave before the carpenters arrive. If no one sees me, I won’t get scolded.

I want to go back to Kan-san’s house. But I can’t. Kan-san hates me. I place my hand over the thumping in my chest. Something feels different than usual. Why is that? As I touched my chest, I realized it. The key to the apartment and the paper with Kan-san’s address, which I had around my neck, were gone. I must have dropped them somewhere.

Without that paper, I can’t go back to Kan-san’s house. Even if I want to, I can’t. I shouldn’t go back. But I want to. He hates me. My head starts to feel heavy and strange again. I want it gone. I bang my head against the scaffolding. A metallic sound echoes from below my head, clang, waaan, clang, waaan, until, while in the midst of that echo, I dozed off. The face pressed against the scaffolding felt cold. Cold. Lying still felt cold. The metal of the scaffolding was cold.

Outside, the sky slowly brightened. The carpenters hadn’t arrived yet. I left before they did. I didn’t want to get yelled at again. I walked and walked and walked. My breath came out white, huff, huff. Little by little, the cold became more bearable. That’s what I used to do when it was cold before. I kept walking.

I needed to pee. There wasn’t a park or convenience store around. I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I slipped into a narrow space between two shops and did it quietly. The steam from my pee rose into the cold air.

I was hungry. Kan-san, I’m hungry. Ah, I hate this. I hate this. I really hate this. I wish I could get Kan-san out of my head. If I could, would my mind be at ease?

Why did Kan-san start hating me? Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? There are lots of people who get angry with me, but sometimes I understand why and sometimes I don’t. With Kan-san, I don’t understand.

I hate this, I really do. Tears welled up again. Why am I crying? Is it because I’m sad? Is it because Kan-san hates me? Is it because he hurt me? There have been rough people before, and I’ve been hurt before, but those things go away quickly. So why does my head stay like this when it comes to Kan-san?

I reached somewhere familiar. Oh, there’s the Center in the distance. If I go to the Center, I’ll know where Kan-san’s house is. I’ve gone back and forth so many times, I know the way.

My feet stopped. No, I won’t go back. I was hated, so I can’t go back. I hate this. It’s scary. My head is heavy. I wish this feeling would disappear from my head.

“Aaaaaaaaah!”

I screamed.

“Aaaaaaaaah!”

My voice echoed inside my head, waaan. At that moment, the heavy feeling went away. So I screamed.

“Whoa, you scared me.”

A voice came from close by, ahead of me. A black van parked by the roadside, and a bald old man—bald like Kan-san—stuck his head out the window and waved, saying, “Hey.”

"Hey, kid, what happened to your forehead?"

"It hurts."

"I can see that. You’ve got a big bandage on it, and there’s blood, too."

Maybe he was a recruiter. Recruiters’ cars were always near the center. But there were also other cars gathering day laborers in different places. The bald old man asked, "Hungry?" I was hungry.

"There’s rice balls in the car. Go ahead and eat."

"I don’t have any money."

"You don’t need money for that."

It’s free? He seemed like a nice guy, so I got into the car. I was the only one inside. The old man handed me tea and rice balls. The rice balls were flavored with kombu and tasted good. “Eat as much as you want,” he said, so I ate three. While eating, I thought about Kan-san. I wondered if he was having breakfast.

“Hey, do you have a license?”

“No, I don’t.”

“You don’t, huh? Well, that’s okay. Hey, how about working for me?”

Dad used to tell me not to get into cars that weren’t from the Center. The people in the dorm said that too. They said the jobs at those places were dangerous. Dangerous jobs meant tough work, injuries, even deaths. But the bald old man gave me rice balls. He was kind.

“You can get paid in cash, too. Though, generally, we work on contracts.”

I couldn’t go back to Kan-san’s house. But I had to pay back the money for food and a place to sleep—that was my debt to Kan-san. I needed to work. Only Kan-san didn’t demand repayment if I couldn’t pay. He let me eat, sleep in a warm place, and didn’t insist on the money.

Working was fine, but I didn’t want to run into Kanabe-san at the job site. Would he say again that Dad had died? Was it true that he was dead? Was Mom dead too? If they were gone, there was no one I wanted to see. My star must be out there, right? I’m an alien, aren’t I? That other man who laughed like Kiichan said it was just a tall tale. If it was a lie, then the star didn’t exist. Maybe it didn’t exist. Is there no good place left? … Ah, I feel so tired.

Even if there’s no good place, there’s Kan-san. Even without Mom and Dad, there’s Kan-san. Ah, I want to see Kan-san. He’s the only one. But even with Kan-san, I feel lonely. It’s sad. It’s sad because he hates me. I need to pay back the money. I don’t want him to hate me more, so I need to repay him. If I pay him back, maybe he won’t be angry anymore. Maybe he’ll forgive me.

“I’d like a contract, please.”

“Oh, really?” The bald old man’s voice sounded happy. That was a relief.

“With us, the work’s real short. It’s easy. But the site is up north, a bit far.”

Far away is fine. If it’s far, Kanabe-san won’t be there. The old man laughed softly.

“It’s a place where they make a lot of electricity, by the sea.”

Ah, the sea, it’s near the sea. By the sea is good. It’s good. Really good.

THE END

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