About Love: Chapter 8

Previous TOC Next

“…I’m exhausted.”

Words slipped from his lips naturally.

Memories of the past three days—rushing from shop to shop—flashed through his mind like a revolving lantern.

After sitting in his chair in a daze for a moment, Asaka slowly began gathering his things, preparing to leave.

Suddenly, the cell phone he had tossed onto his desk started ringing. He thought it might be Sasagawa, but the number on the screen belonged to Kohara.

It seemed Kohara had been concerned about the dress and had gone out of her way to call.

When Asaka told her things were looking up, Kohara let out a relieved sigh. Leaving the office, he handed the keys to the building’s manager.

Outside, the air was cold enough to threaten snow, making Asaka shiver. As he walked with his shoulders hunched, a tall man passed him by.

He was young, dressed casually—nothing like Sasagawa—yet for a brief moment, Asaka’s heart lurched at the thought that it might be him.

For someone usually so considerate, Sasagawa’s call had been unusually forceful. Asaka felt a pang of guilt for having brushed him off so harshly.

Surely, there had been a gentler way to refuse. But then again—he had said he was busy.

It was Sasagawa’s fault for insisting despite that. Just because someone said I want to see you didn’t mean he had to comply. He had his own circumstances to deal with.

And yet—

Asaka suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. If Sasagawa had known that and still insisted on meeting, then maybe—

Maybe he had been desperate enough to push through, unable to consider anyone else’s situation. If that was the case…

Panicked, Asaka pulled out his phone. He called Sasagawa’s cell, but there was no answer. His home phone went straight to voicemail.

With no other option, he left a message, apologizing for the call earlier. He started walking again, but his mind refused to let go of Sasagawa.

On impulse, he tried calling Ruri-iro, but they said Sasagawa hadn’t been there.

It must not have been anything serious—

That was what he told himself. But the way Sasagawa had spoken still nagged at him. He tried calling again. Still no answer. He tried his home again—this time, the phone just kept ringing.

After some hesitation, Asaka got off the train near Sasagawa’s apartment. To justify it, he stopped by a convenience store and bought a bottle of sake along with some snacks.

He had only been to Sasagawa’s place once before. Standing before the door he remembered, he hesitated before pressing the intercom.

No response.

Yet from the street, he could see a light on in what looked like Sasagawa’s room. Glancing around nervously, he pressed the intercom again.

And again.

Finally, there was a faint sound from beyond the door.

“…Who is it?”

The voice was low, groggy—irritated. For a moment, Asaka wondered if he had the wrong apartment.

“Um… Is this Sasagawa-san’s residence?”

“…It is.”

“It’s Asaka. About earlier—I’m sorry.”

Silence from the other side of the door.

“My work is done now, so—”

“You didn’t have to come.”

His tone was curt, almost dismissive—so unlike Sasagawa’s usual politeness.

“Don’t say that. Just open the door. It’s weird talking like this through the door.”

Another silence. But the lock never clicked open.

“…To be honest, I don’t want to see your face right now. I’m sorry, but please just go home.”

“You said you wanted to see me earlier.”

“I changed my mind.”

A sharp, cutting response. From his cold tone, it was obvious Sasagawa was still angry about the way Asaka had snapped at him over the phone. But Asaka had his reasons, too.

“You don’t have to be so mad. I just said I couldn’t meet because of work, that’s all. And yeah… maybe I was a little harsh, but that’s why I came to apologize.”

From behind the door—A muffled chuckle.

"That's right. Asaka-san hasn’t done anything wrong. Wanting to see you was just my selfishness, and if you said you couldn’t because of work, then that’s just how it is. I understand that much. But even knowing that… it still makes me angry."

With a quiet click, the lock disengaged. The iron door creaked open. Through the narrow gap, Sasagawa's face appeared—his eyelids swollen as if he had been crying, his eyes red.

"Go home."

The alcohol-laced, ice-cold voice had enough force to make Asaka actually want to leave. Clenching his back teeth, he asked, "Have you been drinking?"

"It doesn’t concern you."

Sasagawa stood in the doorway, blocking Asaka's way. Asaka pressed a hand against his shoulder and pushed. The resistance was weaker than expected, and Asaka easily stepped inside.

"I don’t know what happened, but is it really something you can just drink away?"

He planted his feet firmly on the ground, refusing to be pushed back.

"If talking to someone would make things easier, then talk to me."

A hand reached out, lightly pushing Asaka’s shoulder away.

"You say that now, but when I wanted you to come, you didn’t."

At last, Sasagawa let out the resentment he had been holding in.

"When I really needed you to listen… you weren’t there."

It sounded like the logic of a child. Asaka locked the door behind him and took off his shoes. He gave a firm pat to the back of the sulking man in front of him and walked down the hallway—spotless, with no trace of garbage bags anywhere. The spacious living room was also tidy, but one thing caught Asaka’s eye:

A mountain of empty liquor bottles stacked on the low table.

He sat Sasagawa down on the carpet, then plopped down cross-legged in front of him.

"I’m sorry for being so short over the phone. I was expecting an important call, and I was irritated."

Sasagawa lowered his head, like a scolded child.

"But still, Sasagawa-san, you were a bit forceful too."

Then, in a lighter tone, Asaka added, "But you’re always so considerate. If once in a while you get reckless, I don’t mind at all. Everyone needs a way to vent, or it gets exhausting, doesn’t it?"

Sasagawa bit his lip, his flushed face trembling slightly.

"I’m sorry… I’m sorry…"

"You don’t have to apologize."

The arrogance, the coldness from earlier—now completely gone—Sasagawa covered his red face with both hands, his voice frail.

"I knew you were busy. I could tell just by the way you sounded. But… there’s no one else I could talk to about this…"

His throat hitched, and suddenly, he sobbed—loudly. Tears spilled freely from his reddened eyes.

"What happened…?"

Completely unguarded, openly crying, Sasagawa caught Asaka off guard.

"Yesterday, Haruka contacted me. She said she wanted to meet. She was supposed to come here at eight at night. I was looking forward to it. She showed up on time, just as promised. But before I could even serve her tea… She suddenly said, ‘I want a child.’"

Asaka blinked. He didn’t understand why Sasagawa was so devastated over that. If she wanted a child, didn’t that mean she wanted to build a future with him? Didn’t that mean she had finally accepted his feelings? Wasn’t that a good thing?

"Why are you crying? That’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?"

Sasagawa clenched his fists and pounded the floor—again and again, as if trying to crush his frustration into it.

"I do want a child. She said she wants a child… but she can’t sleep with me. So she wants me to undergo fertility treatment with her. If the treatments don’t work, she’s sure she’ll be able to get artificial insemination. And once she’s pregnant, she says she won’t bother me anymore. She and her lover will take full responsibility for raising the child… Can you believe something this absurd?"

A choked sob escaped him.

"To her, I’m nothing more than a tool for making a baby. That’s all I’m worth to her."

Asaka was speechless.

Delicate, fragile, and always somewhat unreliable, that was the impression he had of Sasagawa’s wife. To think that she would say something so bold, so unreasonable—He could hardly believe it.

"Why would your wife ask something so unreasonable of you, Sasagawa-san? If she wants a child, why doesn’t she have one with the lover she’s living with?"

Sasagawa lifted his head and wiped his damp cheeks with the palm of his hand.

"Because she can’t have one with her lover. That’s why she’s asking me."

"She can’t…?"

"Because…"

He let out a faint sigh before continuing.

"Her lover is a woman."

After murmuring those words, Sasagawa let out a weak, hollow laugh.

"Now… there’s nothing left for me to hide from you, Asaka-san."

As Sasagawa broke down in tears once more, Asaka could do nothing but watch in silence.

No matter what words he offered now, they would only sound shallow. If that was the case, it was better to say nothing at all.

A marriage without love. A life together that only bred loneliness and sorrow—what meaning was there in that?

Sasagawa had wanted to save someone he once loved, but that desire had been born from a half-hearted sense of pity.

And despite calling it pity, he had longed for her heart as well. Perhaps that had been his mistake all along. But even if he admitted it now, there was nothing that could be done about the past.

"I’ve been thinking about it since long before this whole thing with Haruka. That if I were to suddenly die, no one would be inconvenienced. My job doesn’t require any particular talent or originality. If I were gone, they’d find someone to replace me within two or three days. My parents and siblings might grieve for a little while, but I don’t even live with them anymore. They’d forget about me soon enough. There’s no one who truly relies on me, no one who really needs me. I’m nothing more than a flimsy piece of paper…"

"Why do you think like that?"

Asaka’s voice rose in anger, his fingertips trembling, his face growing hot.

"Don’t say you have no worth. Because to me, Sasagawa-san, you are someone I need."

"That’s only because I was your first customer…"

Asaka responded by smacking Sasagawa over the head with his fist.

"If you actually believe that, I’ll hit you again. Sure, you were my first customer, and that makes you special to me. But if that was all there was to it, I wouldn’t keep seeing you this often, wouldn’t keep talking to you like this."

He almost said, We’re friends, aren’t we? but stopped himself. At their age, saying something like that out loud felt embarrassingly childish.

"If you don’t like what your wife is suggesting, then just tell her no. That alone might not be enough to settle your feelings, but—"

Sasagawa looked up, his tear-streaked face still raw with emotion. Asaka reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a handkerchief.

"If mine’s okay, use it."

Sasagawa pressed the handkerchief to his face and hunched his back.

"I know what I have to do. What I should do. And yet, even knowing that, I still can’t stop thinking. As absurd as her request is, a part of me—deep down—wants to believe that it means she’ll stay by my side. I know it will only make me feel more miserable. But I can’t help it."

"Sasagawa-san."

At the sound of his name, Sasagawa lifted his swollen, red eyes toward Asaka.

"Please don’t get caught up in a love that only brings you pain. One that you can’t even hold dear."

Sasagawa took a deep breath.

"It might not be easy right away, but… find someone who truly sees you, Sasagawa-san. There’s definitely someone like that out there. And when you find them—when you find a partner who you can make happy, and who can make you happy— Let me plan your wedding. And this time, I’ll make it the best one yet."

Sasagawa lowered his head, shaking it weakly.

"Right now, everything just feels… messy. I can’t even think about someone else yet."

"It doesn’t have to be right away. You can take your time. There’s no need to rush."

Sasagawa pressed Asaka’s handkerchief tightly against his face and remained still.

His back trembled slightly as he silently endured the weight of his emotions. It was almost painful to watch.

"Do I have to fall in love with someone?"

His voice was small, barely above a whisper.

"You don’t have to force yourself. But…"

Asaka exhaled softly.

"I just think you’d be better off if you had someone by your side, Sasagawa-san."

"It’s exhausting…"

Sasagawa let out a thin breath.

"Loving someone is exhausting. If it means feeling like this over and over again… I’d rather never love anyone again."

His voice was raw, filled with an unbearable weight. Asaka swallowed back the words Hang in there. He had been heartbroken before, too. And he knew—some things couldn’t be healed by mere words of comfort.

Only time could ease the pain.

"Just a little longer... would it be alright if you stayed?"

The man pleaded softly.

"I don’t want to be alone right now."

Asaka gave his shoulder a light pat.

"I’ll stay with you until morning."

Sasagawa let out a breath, as if relieved, then turned to Asaka with a serious gaze.

"I wish there was a girl like you."

It was less of a conversation and more of a murmur to himself.

"If there were… maybe everything would have worked out."

Previous TOC Next