About Love: Chapter 18

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When Kohara returned, the topic of Koenji was dropped, and they both went back to work.

By the time it passed six in the evening, Koenji had come back to pick up his belongings while Asaka was on the phone with a client. He gave Asaka a small bow before leaving.

At eight o’clock, Asaka called out to Kohara, who was still working.

“I’ll be heading out now…”

He stepped out of the office. The air outside was, as expected, oppressively humid. The sticky, unpleasant heat felt like a reflection of his own unsettled emotions.

He wanted to train Koenji properly. He thought he was guiding him in his own way, but something just wasn’t clicking. How much should he help? How much should he leave to him? The more he thought about it, the less sure he was about what to do.

Even after reaching the station, the thought of going home felt unbearable. If he went back, if he was alone, he’d just start thinking about the same things all over again.

He wanted to see Sasagawa.

He wanted to hear him say, It must be tough. You’re doing your best. You don’t have to push yourself so hard.

He wanted to see his face. Just looking at that gentle smile would probably be enough to make him feel at ease.

Instead of heading home, Asaka stepped onto the opposite platform and boarded the train going the other way. The unfamiliar station announcements played overhead as he sat there, wondering what he was even doing.

And yet, his feet carried him forward without hesitation. Checking his watch, he saw it was already past eight-thirty. Showing up at this hour—it was probably a bad idea.

What if Sasagawa pushed him? What if he wanted more?

The memory of those bare hands tracing his skin sent a shiver down his spine.

His nipples—something he’d never given any thought to before—suddenly felt tight, tingling with an itch he couldn’t ignore. Unable to stand it, he scratched at them over his shirt.

A sharp, almost electric sensation shot through him, so intense that his knees nearly gave out. He clamped a hand over his mouth. If he didn’t, he was afraid a strange sound might escape.

He wanted to hold Sasagawa.

He didn’t want to hurt, and he didn’t want to be hurt, but he wanted to touch, to be touched. He wanted to kiss for as long as they could stand it.

By the time he reached Sasagawa’s neighborhood, he found himself hurrying down the darkened streets. He arrived at the apartment in less than ten minutes. His fingers trembled slightly as he pressed the intercom.

Silence.

He tried again.

Still nothing.

Even on the third ring, there was no response.

Sasagawa must not have been home yet. Maybe he had gone out drinking alone at Ruri-iro.

Standing before the door, Asaka pulled out his phone and called him.

The man he was aching to see picked up after two rings.

“…Good evening.”

“Good evening, Asaka-san. Are you off work now?”

Hearing his voice, Asaka slid down against the door, sitting on the floor.

“Sasagawa-san… Where are you right now?”

“Me? I’m at home, watching TV.”

“…Huh?”

Asaka blinked.

“You’re home?”

“I am.”

“I rang the intercom a few times. You didn’t hear it?”

Over the phone, he heard Sasagawa inhale sharply.

“…I’m sorry. I actually moved last week. I was going to tell you, but I kept missing the right moment… Are you at the old place right now?”

“…Yeah, well… I just wanted to talk for a bit…”

“I should’ve told you sooner. Ah, I’ll head over right now. My new place isn’t far from there. You know the convenience store by the T-junction? Can you wait for me there?”

Asaka hung up and slowly got to his feet.

He retraced his steps, walking at an unhurried pace. The fact that Sasagawa had moved—and hadn’t told him—was a shock.

They were dating, after all.

Would it have been so hard to just say something? A simple text, a short call, that’s all it would’ve taken.

His frustration rang out with each sharp step of his shoes against the pavement.

By the time he reached the convenience store, Sasagawa was already there.

A slightly worn-out polo shirt, jeans, a little out of breath—he must have rushed over.

When their eyes met, Sasagawa bowed his head.

“…I’m sorry.”

"You don’t have to apologize. I came without contacting you first, so I’m at fault too."

No matter what, his tone came out blunt. Sasagawa scratched the back of his head, looking apologetic.

"There’s a nice izakaya nearby that stays open past midnight. The food’s good too… Why don’t we go there?"

At the mention of an izakaya, Asaka stopped mid-step.

"Can’t we just drink at your place?"

Sasagawa’s expression shifted to one of surprise.

"I’d like to see the place you moved into."

He hesitated, struggling to come up with a response.

"…Well, I’d love to invite you, but my place is still a mess. There’s barely any space to step in. I’m really sorry."

Asaka had seen Sasagawa’s previous apartment when it had been utterly cluttered with trash. He had no reason to care about the state of his new place now. But maybe Sasagawa did.

He had wanted to be alone with him, but after being given a legitimate reason and turned down, he couldn’t very well insist on going anyway.

Resigned, he followed Sasagawa to the izakaya.

Tucked away in a side street, the entrance had the discreet air of a hidden gem. Inside, the place was decorated with an Asian-inspired interior, creating a cozy atmosphere.

Perhaps because it stayed open late, the place was crowded. The tables were all taken, so the two of them were shown to the counter.

Sasagawa had already eaten, so he ordered just a beer. Asaka ordered two side dishes, a rice ball, and sake.

The busy restaurant buzzed with chatter. It wasn’t so loud that he couldn’t hear Sasagawa next to him, but it wasn’t exactly relaxing either.

"You were watching TV, right?"

When he brought it up, Sasagawa gave a wry smile.

"It’s not like I was really watching it. Just something to kill time."

"Then why not clean up your place instead?"

Irritation sharpened his words into thorns.

Sasagawa must have picked up on it, because he murmured, "You're absolutely right," and cast his eyes downward.

Guilt hit Asaka immediately. Taking out his frustration on someone as kind as Sasagawa—it wasn’t fair.

"I worked with my junior on one of his client meetings today," he said, changing the subject.

"The one who resembles me?"

"Yeah. He kept saying selfish things without even considering where I was coming from, so I ended up yelling at him. Sure, I was pissed, but I also felt like someone had to say something. Still, getting angry… it never feels good, does it? He looked pretty down afterward, but I felt just as awful…"

"I see…"

"Even if it was necessary, I think I got way too emotional. The more I think about it, the more it just puts me in a bad mood…"

The clamor of the izakaya hadn’t changed. The atmosphere was still restless.

He didn’t even need alcohol—he just wanted to go somewhere quiet.

"You’re admirable, Asaka-san."

In the midst of all the noise, Sasagawa’s voice was particularly slow and deliberate.

"A lot of people avoid confrontation because they don’t want to make things awkward. But you, even knowing it would make both of you feel bad, still spoke up. I think that’s admirable."

Why was it that, when Sasagawa spoke, the heavy fog in his chest seemed to clear just a little?

He knew Sasagawa was just trying to comfort him, but it still made him happy.

His words seeped in, spreading warmth through him.

It almost made him want to cry.

"I’m not admirable at all. Remember when you said something about whether he had the aptitude for the job? Ever since then, I can’t help but wonder if maybe he just isn’t suited for it. Even though he has so much potential—like he could really do something incredible—it feels like I’m the one giving up on him."

"That won’t happen."

Sasagawa stated it plainly.

"Your personal doubts won’t decide his future. Even if you do give up on him, there are still others who see him. If being overlooked by one person is enough to ruin him, then maybe he really wasn’t suited for the job after all."

With that, Sasagawa gave his shoulder a reassuring pat.

"You don’t have to do everything alone. In my experience, newcomers are something everyone helps to nurture. I don’t know much about your work, but if you don’t mind, I’ll always be here to listen."

Even though he knew he didn’t have to push himself, that he could rely on others, whenever he was given a task, he couldn’t help but shoulder it alone. That was why hearing the words, "You don’t have to try so hard," made him happy.

Being told, "I’ll always listen," filled him with relief.

But even though he was happy, he couldn’t quite find the words to express it, so Asaka simply nodded like an elementary schooler and said, "Yeah."

The light touch on his shoulder burned. Just that brief contact made him feel hot.

He wanted that hand to stroke his back. He wanted it to ruffle his hair. He wanted them to kiss, to hold each other.

He felt like he could entrust everything to this man, and it would be okay.

He had known that. He had known for so long. And yet, he had hesitated over things that didn’t even matter.

Asaka downed the rest of his sake in one go.

If it came to this, even a hotel would do. He just wanted to be alone with him.

The man beside him was staring absently ahead, tilting his glass. His third beer.

His long fingers wrapped around the glass—beautiful. The moment he remembered those seemingly gentle fingers pinching his nipple, his face flushed red.

And right at that moment, the man turned to him.

"Are you drunk?"

His face was so close, peering at him, as if he could see straight into his heart.

Asaka’s face grew even hotter.

"You’re really red. Are you feeling okay?"

"Ah, yeah…"

"You probably shouldn’t drink anymore. You have work tomorrow. The last train is coming soon—we should head back."

He wanted to keep drinking, but Sasagawa quickly paid for both of them.

When Asaka tried to pay his share, Sasagawa brushed it off with, "Consider it an apology for earlier."

But there was nothing to apologize for—he was the one who had shown up unannounced. Sasagawa had done nothing wrong.

Even when he insisted on paying, Sasagawa only gave a vague smile and wouldn’t accept it.

Once outside, Sasagawa walked straight toward the station.

Asaka stopped in front of the convenience store where they had met earlier.

"What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?"

Asaka stared at Sasagawa’s face.

"I want to go to your place."

Sasagawa’s eyes widened before he let out a wry smile.

"It’s really a disaster. Once I get it cleaned up properly, I’ll invite you over."

"I don’t care about that."

"But I do. It’s bad enough to kill even a hundred-year love."

"Then… a hotel is fine too."

Sasagawa stiffened, took a step back, and lowered his gaze.

Asaka’s words had carried a clear intention.

And yet, there was no reply.

"I think… you’re just tired."

Sasagawa spoke, still looking down.

"And you’re pretty drunk. You might not realize it yourself, but… I think you’d be more comfortable just going home tonight."

…He had been rejected.

The realization left Asaka stunned.

"The station’s just a little further. Can you walk?"

When he nodded, Sasagawa slowly started walking again.

At the station, they parted at the ticket gate.

Sasagawa stood there, watching him until he was out of sight.

On the train, Asaka leaned against the door, staring blankly out at the darkness beyond the window.

Rejected.

That thought dominated his mind.

He had been so clear about what he wanted, yet he had still been turned down.

Did Sasagawa not want him?

These things were as much about emotions as they were physical—maybe he just wasn’t in the mood tonight.

Or maybe he had been annoying, dumping all his complaints on him.

The comfort Sasagawa had given him, the lightness he had felt—it all sank again.

Even the haze of alcohol seemed to retreat, leaving him stone-cold sober.

He gripped the silver handrail, pressing his forehead against it. Then, the sound of a new message notification rang out.

Hurriedly, he pulled out his phone.

"You’re still on the train, right? Be careful not to miss your stop. If you start feeling unwell, call me, okay? I kind of regret not walking you home."

It was a message full of quiet concern. It didn’t feel like he was being rejected outright. Then what was holding Sasagawa back?

Asaka had already made up his mind, and it wasn’t as if Sasagawa was completely uninterested. Sure, maybe the alcohol had given him a little push to say what he did.

But then Sasagawa’s words echoed in his mind—"You’re drunk..."

A man who understood exactly what he was being asked—yet still refused.

Could it be...?

Asaka felt his ears burn with embarrassment.

Sasagawa was taking this seriously.

And yet, even if he hadn’t actually been that drunk, the way he had let the moment carry him, the way it must have come across—wasn’t that disrespectful to someone as sincere as Sasagawa?

Maybe Sasagawa had sensed that reckless, impulsive energy and, precisely because it felt out of the ordinary, had gently told him, "You should go home."

Asaka opened his phone and started typing.

"I’m sorry for calling you out so suddenly tonight and making you listen to all my complaints. Also… I’m sorry for what I said earlier. The alcohol’s worn off, and my head’s clearer now. Once your place is tidied up, let me come over again."

After hitting send, he gripped his closed phone tightly and whispered a quiet, "I’m sorry."

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