The Moon’s Ship That Crosses The Night: Chapter 25

Previous TOC Next

There was a meeting at the development department’s building, located five stations away from headquarters, and by the time it ended, it was past 7 p.m. Those who still had work to do returned to the headquarters building, but since Kawase had already finished his tasks, he headed straight for the station along his usual route home. The wind carried a strange warmth, thick with humidity—it might rain.

A light tap on his shoulder from behind. When he turned around, a stocky, balding middle-aged man was smiling at him.

"Uncle!"

"On your way back from work?"

"Ah, yeah. Had a meeting with the development team. What about you, Uncle?"

"Me? Just got out of a chiropractic session."

When Kawase teased, "Getting old, huh?" his uncle pursed his lips in mock sulking.

"Even young folks go to those, you know! You gotta take care of your body, same as your mind. Speaking of which, if you haven’t eaten yet, why don’t we grab a bite somewhere?"

The image of the man flickered through Kawase’s mind, delaying his response.

"Ah… is it because Shibaoka-san’s waiting for you?"

"…That should be fine. I usually don’t get home until ten or even later. He’s used to it by now. If he gets hungry, he’ll just grab some bread or something."

"You sure?" his uncle asked, but Kawase just patted his back lightly. "Yeah, yeah, it’s fine."

Not wanting to wander around too much, they stepped into a nearby chain izakaya—cheap, generous portions, and decent taste.

"So, how’s Shibaoka-san doing?" his uncle asked, pulling grilled gizzard meat off the skewer with his front teeth.

"Same as always. Can’t tell what he’s thinking."

"There was talk a while back about sending him back to Hokkaido, right? What happened with that?"

"He refused, so it hasn’t gone anywhere."

His uncle let out a sigh. "I see…"

Kawase stretched his arms high above his head.

"Man, if I could just call the cops or something, maybe they’d haul him back to Hokkaido for me."

His uncle gave him an indescribable look, so he quickly added, "Just kidding."

"By the way, did you know his mother was only fifteen years older than him?"

"You mean Shibaoka-san?"

"If she gave birth at fifteen, that means she had an affair with a married man when she was fourteen."

"……Well, mathematically, yeah."

Kawase took a long gulp of beer.

"That’s just insane."

"Yeah. No matter how much you’re into someone, a normal adult wouldn’t lay hands on a middle schooler. The father’s the one at fault."

His uncle’s words made Kawase pause, which didn’t go unnoticed. "Something wrong?"

"Ah, no… just thinking, so the father was the bad one, huh?"

"Of course he was. A middle schooler is still a kid."

Kawase had imagined the man’s mother as someone who had seduced his father, but listening to his uncle, it really did seem like the father was the one to blame.

"Shibaoka Sumiko… she must have had a hard life." His uncle murmured, almost to himself.

"Hard life?"

"When I was in charge of her case, I wasn’t told that much. If I had known she gave birth at fifteen, I wouldn’t have forgotten it. They must have covered that part up. Not that it matters now. If she had a kid at fifteen, she probably never went to high school. And if it was an affair, she raised that child all on her own. On top of that, dealing with society’s judgment… She had it rough."

Maybe his uncle felt something about Shibaoka Sumiko because he had known her, but to Kawase, she was just a face in a funeral portrait. He had no particular feelings about her. He shoved a piece of fried chicken into his mouth as the plate was set down on the table.

"Come to think of it, I heard he and his mother moved here when he was in high school. Maybe that was to avoid scrutiny from people around them?"

"High school? …That’s pretty late for a move. Well, maybe, maybe not. I wouldn’t know. But I heard they got along well."

"Kobayashi-san once said he heard him refer to his mother as his 'wife.' That was just a misunderstanding, right?"

"They’re definitely parent and child. I mean, I’ve never seen their family register, so if you ask me to swear on it, I’d be in trouble."

Kawase reached for his second beer.

"They aren’t that far apart in age. Maybe she really did play the role of his wife."

A parent and child, close in age. Kawase had meant it as a joke, but his uncle suddenly shut his mouth. The unnatural silence made Kawase blurt out, "Wait… you’re not serious, are you?"

"I never heard it from him directly, so I can’t say anything for sure, but…"

Sex with a parent. A chill of revulsion crawled down Kawase’s spine.

"That’s disgusting."

"Hey, he never said anything about it himself. It was just something Kobayashi-san and I speculated about. It could be completely wrong."

"Even just thinking that it might be true makes me sick."

His uncle lowered his gaze with a troubled expression and took a sip of his chūhai.

"Maybe I shouldn’t have told you."

"I mean, I just don’t get it at all."

"People are complicated."

"You’re saying you’re okay with this?" Kawase snapped.

His uncle blinked in surprise.

"It’s not about us accepting or rejecting it."

Kawase hesitated, and his uncle wiped the corner of his mouth with an oshibori before continuing.

"It’s all hypothetical, but… if it were true, don’t you think it explains why he doesn’t let anyone in?"

"…What do you mean?"

"For him, what happened with his mother might be a secret he never wants anyone to know. Something he’ll carry to the grave."

And then, his uncle added,

"Some people are disgusted by incest. But as a doctor, I’ve seen a lot of cases. Sexual violence tends to leave deep scars. If something like that only happened during someone’s teenage years, you could call it one-sided abuse. But those two… they lived together until the mother died. Neither of them married anyone else. So that means…"

His uncle trailed off. Kawase found himself prompting him, "So what?"

"They might have been serious."

Kawase felt his own lips twist.

"Serious?"

"They might have truly loved each other. If they both consented, if they didn’t hurt anyone else, if no one ever found out and it ended quietly between them… then isn’t that fine in its own way?"

"That’s insane." The words escaped before he could stop them.

"Am I insane?" His uncle gave a wry smile, as if he expected this reaction.

"Maybe from your perspective, living a normal life, my way of thinking is weird. But what even is normal? If you break it down, it’s just the set of rules defined by the society you belong to. And if your society changes, so does the definition of normal. That’s all it really is. So when I think about it like that… I start to wonder if there’s any absolute right or wrong in this world."

Kawase parted ways with his uncle, still unable to make sense of it. The idea that Shibaoka had been involved with his own mother was nothing but disgusting. Just imagining such a thing with his own mother made his skin crawl. He could never "understand" it the way his uncle did.

At the convenience store, he bought dinner for the man and lunch for tomorrow, as usual. The fact that he felt revulsion even while buying food for him made him let out a bitter laugh. When he stepped outside, rain had begun to fall. He was only two or three minutes away from home—unlucky timing.

The rain wasn’t heavy, so he ran. Still, by the time he got back, the shoulders of his suit were damp. He unlocked the outer door, then the regular lock.

Inside, the room was completely dark. When he turned on the light, the man was sitting on the sofa like some kind of lifeless ornament. Kawase stepped inside and placed the bento on the table in front of the sofa.

"I already ate, so go ahead."

He went to the bedroom, changed out of his suit into loungewear, and returned to the living room. The man was devouring his meal. His graying, unkempt hair, his stubbly face, the wrinkled shirt and pants—there was nothing left of the competent man he used to be. What sat there now was a bothersome, pitiful creature that required constant care.

He wanted this to end. He wanted to be free. He wanted to be released from taking care of this man. He wanted nothing to do with his life. But for that to happen, the man’s eyesight had to return. Once it did, he would leave on his own, and Kawase wouldn’t have to think about what happened next.

The body loses its functions when something deep in the mind is damaged. That night when they had been drinking, the man had said, "There is no darkness in the heart." But that couldn’t be true. There was a part of himself he let no one touch. If that part was tied to his relationship with his mother, then wasn’t that his "darkness"? If Kawase could dig that up, maybe their stalemate would finally shift—for better or worse.

What he was about to do wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t even a matter of right or wrong—if it was true, then there was no issue. Kawase sat down across from the man, positioning himself so he could clearly see his face and catch even the slightest change in expression.

"I have something to ask you."

The man stopped eating and turned his face toward him, though their eyes did not meet.

"Did you sleep with your own mother?"

"I did not."

He answered smoothly and resumed eating. Kawase had expected some reaction, some hesitation, but his expression didn’t change at all. For a moment, it made Kawase feel as if he had asked something outrageous, but then he remembered—this man lied without a second thought.

"Tell me the truth."

"I already did."

His attitude practically screamed, Don’t ask stupid questions, without even looking at him. No reaction, no resistance. But Kawase refused to back down.

"Why are you lying?"

"I’m not."

This was going nowhere. Kawase clenched his fists, fighting the urge to grab him by the collar and shake him until he confessed. But even if he did, would that guarantee the truth? The more he thought about it, the more it seemed impossible to drag the truth out of this man. Lies… lies… all lies.

"Your mother used to be under my uncle’s care," Kawase said.

"You mentioned that before."

"He told me something. He said your mother confessed… that she had that kind of relationship with her son."

It wasn’t true. But if the man was going to shield himself with lies, then Kawase would fight back with one of his own—baiting him out.

"That’s a misunderstanding."

The man’s lips moved slowly.

"My mother struggled with mental illness for a long time. She had a tendency to delude herself. Your uncle must have taken her delusions as reality."

The response was smooth, as if he had expected this conversation. Logical, plausible—too easy.

"Your mother regretted it," Kawase pressed.

"Regretted?"

For the first time, there was a shift in the man’s voice.

"She regretted having that kind of relationship with her son."

The man lowered his head, and his shoulders began to tremble. For a second, Kawase thought he was crying. But he wasn’t.

He was laughing.

"How exactly did you come up with such a fabricated story?"

"It's not a fabrication!"

Kawase shot back desperately against the man's laughter. But he was already at a disadvantage. After laughing for a while, the man straightened his posture.

"So, what is it you want me to say?"

For the first time, the man, who had always avoided talking, turned the question back on him.

"What do you want to know?"

"Whether or not you slept with your mother..."

Saying it out loud, it sounded so ridiculously crude that Kawase felt pathetic.

"And if you find out, what does that do for you?"

Kawase hesitated for a moment before answering. "Your eyesight..."

"What about my eyesight?"

"It might come back."

"So you're saying that if you confirm whether or not I slept with my mother, I'll miraculously be able to see again? That logic makes no sense whatsoever."

The man wasn't wrong. And that infuriated Kawase even more.

"Maybe that's the cause of your blindness. If we clarify everything, maybe something will change. To be blunt, I've had enough of this."

Kawase spread his arms wide.

"How long am I supposed to take care of a blind man like you?"

"I never asked you to."

The man's lips moved slowly.

"I never once asked you to take care of me."

Heat rushed to Kawase's head. He had taken him to the hospital over and over, washed his hair when he couldn't use his hands because of the burns, bought his food... He had wasted an enormous amount of time—his own life—on this man. And yet, this was what he got in return.

"Don't fuck with me."

Kawase kicked the sofa the man was sitting on.

"I never asked you to take me to the hospital. I never asked you to feed me... You were the one who decided to do it."

"Do you not even know the meaning of gratitude?! After everything I've done for you..."

"You just couldn't bring yourself to say it."

The man's lips curved slightly.

"You just couldn't tell me to leave."

"How could I?!"

He knew the moment the man left, he would die.

"You already tried to kill me once, didn't you?"

A chill ran down Kawase's spine. He had been feeding him like a pet, taking care of his basic needs. A useless, burdensome creature. But had the man truly been incapable of doing anything? Had he truly been as helpless as he seemed?

"I've been wondering... when exactly this arrangement would come to an end. Not like I have anything else to do but think."

The sound of rain seemed to intensify.

"Should I leave now? But if I do and end up dead, you'll regret it, won't you? No matter what you think of me. That's why you've kept me here—like a goldfish in a tank. Though I'm far too much trouble to be a goldfish, aren't I?"

There was no need to say out loud what Kawase already knew.

"I don't care anymore."

Kawase spat out the words.

"Just tell me. You slept with her, didn't you?"

"I slept with her. All the time."

"So it was true—"

"Lies. I never did."

In the span of a few seconds, the words reversed.

"Stop spewing bullshit! Just tell me the truth!"

The man stared directly at Kawase with eyes that couldn't see.

"Even if I tell you the truth, it won't change anything. If anything, it'll just make things more complicated. Just like when I let a little truth slip on a whim and suddenly you couldn't just walk away. If I had kept my mouth shut back then, I would have become the unidentified corpse I was supposed to be. You would never have known and could have forgotten me forever."

"Shut up. The more you talk, the more annoying this gets. Just say whether you did or didn’t, that's all."

"Talking is meaningless."

"I'll decide whether it has meaning or not."

Kawase placed a hand over his chest.

"I’ll ask one more time—why do you want to know so badly?"

"I don't care. Just talk!"

The man fell silent.

The only sound was the relentless downpour.

"Alright," the man finally said.

"Then let me tell you the real story."

Just when Kawase thought he had finally broken through.

"There's just one condition. If you accept it, I'll talk."

The word condition triggered a flood of gray memories.

"……You're not going to climb on top of me again, are you?"

The man laughed.

"I'll tell you everything you want to know… But in return, once I'm done talking, I want you to say, 'Get out.'"

Kawase sucked in a sharp breath.

"All you have to do is say, 'Get out.'"

It was no different from telling him to die.

The man was a habitual liar, but Kawase knew—this wasn’t a lie. If he told him to leave, the man would surely die.

He didn't want to say it. He couldn’t say it.

He didn’t want to bear responsibility for someone’s life.

But then, a thought surfaced in his restless mind.

Even if he told him to leave… he didn’t have to let him go.

He could follow him. Drag him back if necessary.

That much wasn’t forbidden.

"…Fine."

The words scraped out of Kawase’s dry throat.

Previous TOC Next