Smiling at the Moon: Volume 1 - Chapter 1 - part 3

 The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

I always carried a knife with me. When going to school, when going out. Even when something made me angry, if I stroked this in my pocket, I felt a little calmer.

After mentioning the Shima Group, Nagao and his friends stopped coming near me. I once again felt the power of the yakuza. And now, even if I'm called out and hit, I have a knife. If it comes to it, I'll thrust it into Nagao's thick thigh.

I practiced how to use it many times at home. Secretly in the middle of the night. My heart raced as I jumped out at the knife blade as if it were jumping at me.

In the end, I quit the cram school. After listening to me, my father said, "You can do as you please." My mother seemed dissatisfied, but she didn't complain about what my father decided.

I was looking forward to when Yamada would call next, but I never heard from him. Meanwhile, Nagao and I maintained a subtle distance, and the end-of-term ceremony of the third semester arrived.

I quit the cram school, and with no friends to play with, spring break was long and boring for me. Spending the whole day playing games, I seemed to have been reported by my mother, as the next day my father said, "I didn't say you could quit the cram school to play games."

Feeling uneasy about my mother's gaze at home, I went to the public library during the day. The pretext was to study, but in reality, I spent most of the time reading novels and watching DVDs.

The long-awaited phone call came half a month after peeking at people having sex in the park, at the end of March.

Forgetting to turn it off, it started ringing in the library. I threw the reference book I had been reading and went out to the courtyard, feeling the cold stares of those around me.

"Hey, have you gotten better at jerking off?"

That was the first thing I heard in a long time, and when I couldn't respond, I heard laughter from the other end of the phone.

"Are you coming over now? I'll show you the promised adult video."

"Yeah, I'm coming."

I quickly packed my things and rushed out of the library. I headed to the meeting place at the station. Yamada arrived thirty minutes late at the agreed place. And today, as always, he was wearing a blue and white jacket.

"Did you bring the tissue box?"

As soon as he saw my face, he said that. I blushed and Yamada looked at me from head to toe with a curious expression.

"You're not wearing a uniform, you look like an elementary school student."

Yamada threw away the cigarette he was smoking on the street and started walking. I followed him so as not to lose sight of his blue jacket.

"It's been a while, huh?"

He started talking about something, so I hurriedly walked alongside him.

"You must be looking forward to it too. I was planning to call you earlier, but I was busy with various things in the group. We little guys have to guard the executives."

I didn't quite understand, but I nodded in agreement.

"In the car, I have to take turns keeping watch with another guy. I have to be like a watchdog in front of the house. Even if he's a rotten, unlikable executive, he's still the face of the group."

Yamada let out a big yawn.

"I just came back after changing shifts. I'm so sleepy..."

Feeling somewhat apologetic, I looked down slowly.

"Um... it's okay for another time. I mean..."

"Huh?"

"If you're sleepy, you can sleep."

Even though I was considerate, I was hit on the head.

"Are you tired or something? I want to jerk off too, so it's okay.”

We entered a residential area and Yamada went into an old apartment building on top of a hill. We went up to the sixth floor in the elevator. When he opened the green iron door, a stagnant smell filled the air from the entrance. On both sides of the corridor, plastic bags and plastic bottles were piled up like a garbage dump. There was just enough space in the middle for someone to pass through...

Yamada walked through the garbage. Michihiko followed through the hallway that looked like garbage day. Yamada's room was an 8 square¹ meters room to the north. There was no bed, just a futon. A TV, a DVD player, and a VCR were placed in the corner of the room, and an old CD radio was lined up next to it. There were only a few clothes hanging on a steel hanger rack, including T-shirts, which seemed to cover all four seasons.

"Well, just sit wherever you like."

Even though he told me to sit down, the room was small, so I had no choice but to use the futon as a cushion. I thought there would be wooden swords or fake guns in a yakuza's room, but I couldn't find any.

"Here's this for now."

He handed me a magazine. A blonde woman with a star sticker on her chest was winking with her legs wide open. There were golden star marks even in the crotch... My hands trembled in front of the erotic magazine I held for the first time in my life. I was too nervous to open it.

"Would you prefer a DVD over a magazine? Choose which one you like from these."

Still shocked by the magazine, I was handed three DVDs.

"Mature women, high school girls, and Western stuff. They're all recommended."

The photos on the packages naturally exposed the breasts. My head was spinning as if I were drunk in this new "adult world" that I had never seen before.

"I, um... I prefer something normal..."

"They're all normal. Well, since you're a beginner, maybe go for something with high school girls that you're a bit familiar with."

Muttering to himself, Yamada inserted a DVD into the player and threw a tissue at me that was by the pillow on the futon. Unable to do anything, I placed it on my lap, and the man laughed again.

The DVD started. The scene was inside a building that looked like a high school. A middle-aged man in what looked like a tracksuit, was fondling the chest of a girl in a school uniform, putting his hand inside her skirt. Eventually, the girl was pushed down on a desk, and her skirt was lifted.

I involuntarily looked away when I saw her exposed private parts.

"Why are you looking away?"

Scolded, I looked up. The girl was now completely naked, and the man was sucking on her breasts.

"The girl playing the high school student role is pretty cute, right? The fact that she's not experienced is also nice."

They changed positions and locations, and the two intertwined. Getting excited, Yamada lowered his jeans to his knees and started stroking his penis. It has a different texture to my own and gets thicker. Soon after, Yamada took the tissue on my lap and wiped the tip of his penis. After he finished his business, Yamada peeked at my crotch.

"Is that not good enough?"

I shook my head vaguely.

"That's strange. I thought it would be good, but... Why are you bending forward?"

"It's nothing."

"Let me see that."

He forcefully grabbed my shoulder, and I quickly shook him off.

"I don't want to."

As I tried to bend forward and escape, he grabbed my collar and pulled me towards him. He grabbed my crotch from behind in a rough manner.

"It's hard, isn't it? There's nothing to hide. Or is your thing small and embarrassing to show?"

As my crotch was roughly squeezed, I felt pain. But it wasn't just pain; there was also an itchy, tingling sensation in my lower back, and Michihiko hunched over.

"No..."

"You're getting hard. There's no need to hide it. Or are you embarrassed to show that your thing is small?"

It wasn't about whether it was small or big; it was embarrassing that I was hard and didn't want to be seen by others. It was okay to see someone else's, but I didn't want mine to be seen.

Not understanding those feelings, Yamada, taking advantage of the difference in size, pulled down Michihiko's pants along with his underwear. His hips swayed, and his penis was exposed.

"Even if it's just a little wiener, it's still hard."

Brushing off Michihiko's hand trying to cover his crotch, Yamada peered at the penis with a curious look.

"Even so, the tip looks modest. There are many guys with foreskin, but having it covered even when erect..."

He roughly pulled the skin that caught on the tip of the penis.

"It hurts."

As I struggled with tears in my eyes, he scolded me in a stern voice, "Behave yourself."

"It's you who's going to feel stupid. If you have a foreskin-covered phimosis, your friends will make fun of you."

"But, it hurts."

"That's why I'm telling you to endure it. Just a little more."

Every time the foreskin was pulled, it hurt so much that tears welled up. And in the midst of that, an especially strong pain struck his lower body.

"Ouch!"

"Hey, it's pulled back."

When he was told that, he hesitantly looked at his lower body, and the tip that had never come out no matter how he tried, was now visible. But because the foreskin was forcibly pulled back, it was bleeding.

Seeing the blood, the feeling of pain intensified, and he broke down into tears. He was crying so much that Yamada rushed to comfort him.

"It might have hurt a bit, but isn't it good that it's pulled back? If it doesn't come out properly, you'll end up needing surgery. You'll have to expose your foreskin in front of a pretty nurse. Isn't it much better if I do it instead?"

Ignoring his words, Michihiko lay face down and fell silent. Yamada left the room. Alone, he immediately checked his groin. His flaccid penis, hanging down, was bright red at the tip, painful, and seemed to be swelling, making it scary to touch.

Even after ten, fifteen minutes passed, Yamada didn't return. Wondering where he had gone, he strained his ears and heard clattering noises coming from the entrance. Rough footsteps were approaching. The room's door opened, and Yamada appeared holding a plastic bag.

"Wanna eat something. There's also some alcohol."

In front of him were snacks, alcohol, and canned beer.

"Here, eat."

He roughly opened the snack bag until its contents spilled out, opened the beer can, and handed it to Michihiko.

"I'm in junior high."

"So what?"

"Minors shouldn't drink alcohol."

With a truly mocking look, Yamada looked down at Michihiko.

"Who cares about that nowadays. Come on, try it. It's delicious."

Gulping down the beer, Yamada chuckled.

"You're a kid, so you might not know the taste of alcohol."

His condescending tone made Michihiko angry. He quickly drank the beer handed to him. His body heated up. On top of that, the carbonation was strong, bitter. He didn't find it tasty at all, but he felt like if he said so, Yamada would mock him, so he deliberately said, "It's delicious," in a defiant manner.

"See! Beer is delicious."

Yamada chuckled. Unable to admit to someone he thought was pretending, Michihiko reluctantly sipped the bitter beer and picked at the snacks. Just when he thought he had finished one can, another was handed to him. He felt like he was stuck in a loop.

"Hey, aren't you gonna put your thing away soon?"

It wasn't until Yamada mentioned it that Michihiko completely forgot he wasn't wearing anything on his lower body. Feeling embarrassed about being pointed out, Michihiko crawled on all fours to reach for the pants and underwear that had been left as they were when he was undressed. His head spun. Overcoming the dizziness, he put on his pants and underwear.

"Hey, does your thing still hurt?"

As he zipped up, Yamada asked.

"It hurts."

The pain had indeed dulled, but he said it with resentment.

"Alcohol helps with the pain."

"Really?"

"Getting drunk dulls your senses."

"Hmm," Michihiko muttered. The dizziness he had once noticed didn't go away. His vision was spinning.

"I once got into a fight at a bar when I was drunk. The guy was big, but I won. I got my left arm cut. It was summer, I was wearing short sleeves, blood was dripping, but I didn't think it hurt that much. I had to get eight stitches when I went to the doctor."

"...You like fighting, don't you?"

"It's not about that... It's about how even if it hurts, drinking alcohol makes it okay."

"Did you become a yakuza because you like fighting?"

Yamada fell silent.

"Not really..."

"But being a yakuza is amazing, right? Just saying you're a yakuza makes those bullies who used to bother you stay away."

"Well, yeah," Yamada chuckled. I stared at his face, and he said, "What is it?”

“Did you ever think about getting a regular job?"

"Why are you asking that?"

"...I don't know, but..."

Yamada took a sip from the beer can in his right hand.

"I've worked at a soba restaurant before. I punched the boss and quit after three days."

"I see."

"He used to make fun of people who dropped out of high school, he was a jerk."

Perhaps recalling that time, Yamada clenched his right hand. The beer can crumpled with a thud.

"I didn't think from the beginning that I would enter this world. Someone I know invited me, you see."

"And besides," he continued, "Here, you don't need a resume, you know."

"Hmm..." I muttered, feeling a bit light-headed.

"Hey, you seem pretty out of it. Are you drunk?"

"Is that so?"

"Not 'is that so,' I'm asking you, you dummy."

A casual "dummy" somehow struck a chord with me, and I burst out laughing. Yamada had a strange expression. What a strange guy, what a strange guy. Thinking this, I suddenly became very sleepy.

"Hey, Chinchin-hiko²."

"I'm not Chinchin-hiko..."

Muttering, I collapsed onto the futon, and soon my consciousness was cut off.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

The ringtone of a cellphone sounded from within the darkness. Searching blindly, while fumbling around, the sound suddenly disappeared. A place with a different smell than usual. Unnatural darkness, and what I'm clinging to, it's warm.

The back of my head is throbbing. Feeling nauseous, I cling to the thing in front of me. As the warmth starts to move, just when the warmth is sleeping away, the room's light turns on.

In front of me, a foot with long nails. The foot is triangular because the middle toe is long.

"So bright." I rub both my eyes.

"Are you hungry?" A man squats down and looks at me.

 "My head hurts."

"Because you can't handle your drink. Idiot. If you don't come, I'll eat alone."

My head hurts, and I didn't feel like eating anything, but I didn't want to be left behind, so I got up.

"What time is it now?"

"I don't know. Isn't there a clock over there?"

Looking at the clock, it's 8 p.m. I double-checked because I thought it might be wrong, but it was 8 p.m. no matter how many times I looked.

"I-I have to go home."

Looking at my phone, there were several missed calls from my mother as expected. I hurriedly made a call.

"Oh, mom?"

My mother's voice was trembling with worry.

"Sorry. I was studying at the library, so I had turned off my phone. I didn't realize it got this late. I'm really sorry for worrying you. I'll head home now."

I hung up. Yamada was looking at me with a disappointed expression and it made me feel awkward.

"Hurry up and get ready. Let's go."

He turned his back to me, and I quickly picked up my things and followed him. We passed through the garbage hallway and headed to the entrance. As Yamada was about to put on his shoes, the door in front of us opened with a click. A man was standing there. Despite being a man, he had long hair and a beard on his chin. His eyes had a nasty look as if he was mocking someone. Dressed all in black, he looked like a crow. His ears were adorned with so many piercings that they seemed to jingle when he walked. I felt like I had seen him somewhere before, and as I glanced at him, he stared back at me, making me instinctively lower my head.

"Welcome back, big brother."

Yamada took off his half-worn shoes, went up the hallway, and moved to the side to let the man pass. He casually pulled the arm of Michihiko, who was standing idly, and guided him to the side as well.

The man in black furrowed his brow, pushed his long hair back, and asked, "Aren't you supposed to switch with Kitasato soon?"

"I still have an hour, so I thought I'd eat first."

Yamada's polite way of speaking to the man indicated that he was of higher rank. The man scratched his chin with a thin beard.

"Hmm... so, what about that short guy?"

Feeling like he was talking about me, my body trembled.

"...Well, this guy seems to be interested in me, so I occasionally use him as an errand boy under the guise of studying..."

The man scoffed, "As if I'd use an errand boy," and then took off his shoes. A woman entered from behind the man. She had distinctive features and looked cute, but her makeup seemed heavy... or so it felt. In the middle of the hallway, the man sent the girl into the room ahead of him, smirked, then suddenly grabbed Yamada by the collar and threw him to the ground. Amid the trash, Yamada lay sprawled, his thighs and belly getting kicked without mercy.

"You're just an errand boy. You're not even close to being worth anything. You can't even handle a simple task, yet you dare to talk back!"

I was speechless at the intensity of it all. The sight of the man hitting Yamada stirred my memory. I felt like I had seen such a scene before. At night in school, under the moon, Saito being beaten, falling as if flying.

The man who had been violently attacking Yamada suddenly stopped his movements. As if tired of tormenting him, he turned on his heel and walked towards the back of the room where the woman had disappeared.

Left behind was Yamada, covered in blood among the garbage.

"Y... Shinji... hey..."

When I shook the collapsed man's back, I was yelled at, "That hurts!" and hastily stepped back.

"You... you bastard. You kicked me in the stomach..."

He spat out those words, stood up, and wiped his face. His palms were stained red. Grimacing, he entered the kitchen from the hallway, washed his dirty hands and face while spitting out red saliva.

"Are... you okay?"

There was no response to my question. Ignoring me, he went to the entrance, put on his shoes, and left. Seeing Yamada heading outside, I hurriedly followed him. Yamada walked briskly up the dimly lit slope. I couldn't quite make out where he was going. After a while, I saw the station. The station where I had arrived. I recognized the area, so once I got here, I could find my way home alone.

Yamada passed by the station. I knew I could go home by taking the train from here, but for some reason, I didn't want to leave. After passing the station and going a little further, Yamada suddenly turned around and shouted, "Why aren't you going home?"

"W... Why should I go home?"

"I brought you all the way to the station. Get on the train and go home, you brat."

"B... But..."

"But nothing. I have work to do now. I don't have time to play with kids."

Being scolded harshly, Michihiko bowed his head like a nail being driven in.

"B... But..."

"What now?"

"But I'm worried about you."

Yamada still seemed like he wanted to say something, but he tightly pursed his lips sideways. Then he turned his back on Michihiko.

"That's not a big deal." He muttered under his breath. "It's normal for big brother to be moody and I get hit. Today is actually better than usual."

Remembering the violent outburst of the man like fireworks, Michihiko began to feel angry.

"He's terrible. Shinji, it was almost okay to hit back."

Yamada turned around. He smiled a little, then touched the wound on his lip, twisted his face, and said, "Hit my big brother? Yeah right, idiot."

"But wrong is wrong."

Yamada smiled again.

"Do you have any siblings?"

"No."

"I thought so..." the man muttered.

"You give off a vibe of being an only child. Spoiled and all. Both your parents are alive, right?"

Michihiko nodded.

"You probably can't hit your parents. Same goes for me with big brother. Because he's like a parent to me, I can't hit him. Even if I get angry. If you hit your parent-like figure, it's game over in this world."

"I don't understand that."

"It's okay not to understand," the man laughed again. He approached Michihiko and roughly ruffled his head.

"Hey, want to go eat ramen? I'll take you to a good place."

With that, he put his arm around Michihiko, and they went to a shop in an alley near the station. Although his mother's worried face crossed his mind, Michihiko wanted to go with Yamada and eat ramen rather than be scolded for coming home late.

Yamada, with a cut inside his mouth, muttered, "Damn, it stings," as he slurped his ramen. It was a small and dirty shop, but when told, "It's delicious, the broth here is the best," the first mouthful, which had seemed ordinary, suddenly tasted amazingly good.

Yamada's mood improved, and he started chatting like he was hosting a late-night radio show full of dirty jokes. Michihiko pretended to listen, but he was thinking about the man Yamada called his big brother. Two months ago, the man who had punched Saito and forced her to jump out the window. The man who gave the final push...

"What's your big brother's name, Shinji?"

"Why do you need to know my big brother's name?"

Finding it difficult to talk about Saito, Michihiko hesitated, but without further questioning, Yamada simply said, "His name is Minobe."

"He's quick to anger and throws a punch, but my big brother is an amazing guy. Our gang's territory is small, and we don't make much profit, but my big brother gives a huge amount of money to the gang. He's also popular with the soap girls³. He's only two years older than me, but he already received a badge. That's how much our old man expects from him. If I stick with him, I feel like I could move up too."

Yamada took out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

"What's 'gyouri'?"

Laughing, Yamada shrugged. "You wouldn't get it as an amateur. It's paying dues to the group. It's proof that you're a member. The fee... for us low-rankers, just paying respect to my brother isn't a big deal, but..."

"Like membership fees?"

"Yeah, something like that," Yamada nodded lightly.

"And what do you do by climbing up among the yakuza?"

"What do you mean 'what do you do'? If you climb up, you get more money and more freedom. You can drive good cars."

"That's it?"

"Just that? Making money is tough, you know. My first job at the soba shop paid 80,000 yen⁴; a month."

Michihiko recalled that the mountain bike his father bought him last year was nearly 100,000 yen⁵.

"If you drop out of high school, you're considered a middle school dropout. That's how it is in reality. In this world, intelligence doesn't matter much, and as long as you have guts, you can make it."

Yamada and the man he called his big brother, Minobe. Minobe and Saito, a middle school student. Michihiko couldn't understand their connection. Unable to figure it out even if he thought about it, his chest felt heavy with confusion. And... he remembered.

"Hey, remember when we first met, and you were asking everyone about Saito? Why was that?"

Yamada finished his ramen and ordered some more gyoza⁶;from the owner.

"Huh? Saito? Oh, that. That's all in the past."

"Why?"

"If I say it's okay, then it's okay."

Michihiko understood that Yamada had no intention of continuing this topic.

"Saito was in my class."

Yamada turned around.

"So, I've been curious."

He was stared at intently.

"Did you get along well with Saito?"

Michihiko shook his head. "We never talked," he muttered, and Yamada turned away.

"I'm curious. I think I'll keep thinking about it even after I get home."

Yamada furrowed his brow.

"You're persistent. Why are you so hung up on Saito, who you never even talked to?"

"But...” that girl... she's like me. We both knew the same pain. But I couldn't tell Yamada that we were both bullied.

"Were you maybe... interested in Saito?"

"It's not that. But I just really want to know why." Eventually, Yamada didn't tell him anything more. After eating overly garlicky gyoza, Yamada looked at his watch and stood up. It was just before 9:15.

They parted ways in front of the shop, but Yamada didn't say "bye" like a friend. "Well then, Chinchin-hiko," intentionally using the nickname Michihiko disliked, he laughed and disappeared into the night.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

When I reached the ninth year in junior high, I was in a different class from Nagao. Although I ended up in the same class as the duo Miyata and Kozai who had been bullying me, they didn't bother me anymore. Even the knife that I always kept in my uniform pocket had no chance to be used.

After going to watch adult videos in his room, I started receiving occasional phone calls from Yamada. I didn't know exactly what kind of work the yakuza were involved in, but he called me day and night without fail. He didn't mind calling even during class. Lately, I had been thinking that he was calling me every day, but there were times when I didn't hear from him for about four days. When the time we couldn't meet became longer, I got bored. Even though I knew Yamada didn't like emails, I still checked my phone for messages multiple times a day.

When Yamada called, I never refused. Whenever he had free time, we would go to the game center together or hang out at fast food restaurants. During good times, he would treat me, and when Yamada didn't have money, I would say, "I'll treat you." Because we were always out and about, my allowance would quickly disappear whenever I met Yamada. But even when I had no money, if he invited me, I would go out with him. If I honestly said I had no money, he would treat me, and when Yamada didn't have money, he would buy just one juice and we would chat endlessly in front of the convenience store.

He often talked about his group and his older brother, but Yamada never talked about his family at all. When I asked if he had siblings, he told me "no," but when I asked where his family was, he wouldn't give a straight answer like "America" or "Brazil." I realized that his teasing and evasiveness about his family was not just a joke unique to Yamada, but because he didn't want to talk about it. His cheeks would tense up and his expression would subtly change. After that, I couldn't ask Yamada about anything other than the yakuza.

I lied about joining a club to hang out with Yamada. My mother asked, "Why now, in your ninth year of junior high?" but I insisted, "I wanted to try it." With the condition that my grades didn't drop, my mother reluctantly agreed, and officially, I joined the “table tennis club”. Using the excuse of club practice running late, I would hang out with Yamada until eight or nine in the evening.

Before the midterm exams of the first semester, the head of a group affiliated with Yamada died, and I was ignored for about a week due to mourning customs. Bored, I reluctantly went to the library to study seriously and ended up ranking second in the grade. My mother was very pleased with the result, and she stopped complaining even when I returned late under the guise of club activities.

Right after the midterm exams, I was summoned to a convenience store near the station. It was a different place from our usual meeting spot, so I found it strange. As I was about to enter the convenience store, a loud horn sounded from a car on my right. When I turned around, the car window rolled down.

"Get in."

Inside was Yamada, and I exclaimed, "Wow," as I approached the car.

"Did you buy this?"

"Well, never mind that. Get in."

I got into the passenger seat. The car was lower than my family's car, and I sank into the seat. My line of sight was lower.

"My big brother bought a new one, so I got this hand-me-down."

Yamada, gripping the steering wheel, looked pleased.

"What kind of car is this?"

"Sil80. My brother used to be a street racer, so he tuned the suspension quite a bit. Well, that means the fuel efficiency is bad."

Not really understanding, I nodded and fastened his seatbelt.

"Is there anywhere you want to go? I'll take you anywhere."

"Then, the beach."

"The beach, huh. Alright, I'll take you there."

Although Yamada asked where I wanted to go, he acted as if he had no choice but to comply with my request. I thought it was odd to ask in the first place if he was going to act that way, but I kept quiet to avoid spoiling Yamada's mood. The car suddenly accelerated, and I felt a light jolt.

"Shinji, you have a license?"

"There's no way I have that."

My blood ran cold, and my eyes widened.

"You don't have a license?"

"Even without a license, I can drive a car, so don't worry."

Even though I was told not to worry, I couldn't help but feel anxious. It was scary.

"What will you do if the police catch you?"

"Idiot. As long as I don't speed too much, I won't get caught by the cops."

As soon as I found out he didn't have a license, the drive turned into a hellish experience. Yamada's driving was rough, the car swayed from side to side, and my heart was pounding. Moreover, on the way to the beach, whenever the car got stuck in traffic during rush hour, Yamada would honk loudly, earning disapproving looks from other drivers.

We arrived at the beach just before sunset. When the car stopped in the parking lot amidst the pine trees, I was so tense that he felt drained. Even though I didn't want to move, Yamada half-forced me out of the car, saying, "Come on, let's go outside."

The sunset over the sea was beautiful. Yamada and I sat on the breakwater, watching the sea until the remnants of the sunset disappeared.

As it got a little colder after the sun went down, we went back to the car. Yamada was also quiet... for some reason, I felt like he wanted to go somewhere far away. When I was being bullied by Nagao, I often thought the same, but this feeling was different.

In the end, we had dinner at a ramen shop that day and went home. As we parted ways, Yamada asked, "Can you come out at night?"

"At night?"

"After midnight, for example."

If it was ten o'clock, I could say I was going to the convenience store and it wouldn't be a problem, but it was difficult at midnight.

"If you can come out, I'll come pick you up near your house."

"But..."

"I'll tell you something interesting."

Unable to resist Yamada's smile and the curiosity about the "interesting thing," I ended up promising to sneak out of the house at midnight.

That night, after midnight, I secretly went outside. Yamada was waiting in the convenience store parking lot near my house. As soon as I got in the car, the car roared to life with a deep rumble, and we drove off on a road I didn't recognize.

The car entered more and more deserted roads, with steep slopes one after another.

"Where are we going?"

"Well, just watch quietly."

Realizing that Yamada had no intention of telling me, I remained silent. After about thirty minutes of driving up the hill, the car stopped.

Even before it stopped, I knew why Yamada had brought me here. As we climbed the hill, I could see the orange lights of the town through the gaps in the dense trees. When we reached the parking lot at the top of the mountain, we could enjoy a beautiful night view.

"Amazing, amazing."

Jumping out, I was simply delighted, while Yamada proudly smoked a cigarette.

"Do you want one too?"

He offered one, and I took it. Unlike when drinking alcohol, I didn't say anything pretentious. When I hesitantly held it between my fingers, Yamada lit it for me. It was cool until then, but when I took a puff, the smoke was harsh, and I choked. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked up, and Yamada laughed heartily.

After wandering around the parking lot for about thirty minutes, Yamada called me back to the car. When I said I wanted to stay longer, Yamada said, "The real show is about to begin," and licked his upper lip. I didn't understand what he meant by the "real show" at first, but three minutes later, I experienced an unknown terror.

"Ahhhh!"

Beside him, I screamed loudly in the passenger seat, while Yamada, still holding the cigarette in his mouth, shouted, "Shut up, be quiet."

The car raced down the hill at breakneck speed. The car body shook violently, and we almost hit the guardrails and walls along the mountainside several times.

"Slow down, slow down!"

"If I did that, it wouldn't be fun, right?"

Yamada, with a serious yet somehow gleeful look in his eyes, steered the wheel. With each screech of the tires, my heart tightened, and I was so scared that I felt like I was about to wet myself.

Finally descending the hill and reaching level ground, the whirlwind of fear left me speechless.

"Hey, wasn't that fun? What do you think?"

Even though he asked for my opinion, I couldn't possibly say it was fun when I was scared to the point of almost wetting myself.

"That road back there is one-way, you know. No oncoming traffic, so you can really floor it. Today there weren't any other street racers, so we didn't have to deal with anyone trying to provoke us. Though, if it turned into a battle, that'd be pretty exciting too."

"I don't want to do this anymore."

Yamada clicked his tongue.

"Man, even girls these days don't scream as much as you did. You're such a coward."

"But I was scared!"

"Doesn't it feel exhilarating while driving? Especially when you nail a drift, it's the best."

No matter what Yamada said, I couldn't agree with him. He seemed to enjoy teasing me, finally taunting, "You're just a little wimp, you know that?"

"You don't understand the thrill of being a man. Maybe your foreskin wasn't supposed to stretch; maybe it was meant to turn into a girl's part instead."

"No, that's not true! I'm a guy!"

The more I protested, the more Yamada enjoyed throwing obscene words at me. Eventually, the conversation drifted deeper into vulgarity.

"You've never slept with a girl, right?"

He said it with such certainty that it made me bite my lip in frustration.

"I-I have!"

Even Yamada seemed surprised by my response.

"With that foreskin? When did you do it?"

"I'm not uncircumcised anymore. Everything's fine now."

Yamada shrugged in disbelief.

"It's fine because I helped you become a man, remember? Don't act so high and mighty. You were just crying and screaming in pain."

He parked the car in the lot of a closed drive-in, then leaned over to look at my flushed face.

"A man, after sleeping with a woman for the first time, loses all his foreskin. Just like how a woman bleeds the first time. Did you lose your foreskin?"

It was the first time I'd heard of such a thing, but Yamada's voice was serious, and it didn't seem like he was lying. With my chest puffed up, I declared, "Yeah, I lost it."

Yamada burst out laughing, clutching his stomach. I didn't understand why he was laughing at me.

"So, did you smell it down there?"

"Down there..."

"The place you put your rotten dick."

Not knowing how to respond, I reluctantly nodded, "Y-yeah."

"Did it smell like strawberries?"

"Strawberries?"

"Yeah, girls down there smell like strawberries."

"...Yeah, it smelled like strawberries."

Every time I said something, Yamada laughed harder, holding his sides and gasping for breath.

"Why are you laughing?"

Through his laughter, Yamada managed to say, "No one's dick loses its skin, and it doesn't smell like strawberries, you idiot."

Realizing I'd been made fun of because of my lack of knowledge and experience, I turned bright red.

"So, Shinji, have you ever had sex?”

With a confident look, Yamada blew smoke from his cigarette and said, "Of course."

"My dick was perfect from the start. I first slept with a woman when I was in sixth grade."

I was shocked to learn he had done such things three years before my current age.

"It was with a hostess who lived next door. After her man left, she was probably frustrated and horny. She invited me in with the promise of some sweets, but I was the one who ended up being eaten. Well, it felt good, so it's all good."

I couldn't believe it. Wasn't sex supposed to be with someone you liked? All this talk about frustration and hostesses seemed wrong to me.

"If you want to sleep with a girl, I can introduce you to one. She's a pro, so you'll definitely feel like you're in heaven."

When I declined, he roughly poked my shoulder.

"What are you acting all high and mighty for? You want to sleep with a girl, right? You want to suck on some boobs and see down there, right? Don't hold back when I'm offering to introduce you."

"No, really, I'm fine..." I firmly declined, which made Yamada tilt his head in confusion.

"You're a strange one. I'm offering you a girl for free, and you're not happy?"

"I don't want it to be like that. I want my first time to be with someone I like."

The moment I said that, Yamada frowned and went silent. I could tell I had upset him, so I found it hard to speak.

"...You, get out."

"What?"

"You're pissing me off. Get out."

"But I don't know where we are."

"Not my problem."

Yamada got out of the car, came around to the passenger side, and dragged me out, leaving me in the drive-in's parking lot. He got back into the car and drove off, the low rumble of the engine fading away.

I stood there, dumbfounded. I had left my phone behind, and my wallet only had 140⁷ yen in it. I didn't know what time it was or where I was.

In front of the drive-in was a large road, but I didn't know which way to go to get home. I decided to walk in the direction Yamada's car had gone.

At first, I was angry. I was furious with this selfish, moody guy. All he ever talked about was dirty jokes, he would slap me, drive without a license, and he was a yakuza...

As I walked and the drive-in faded from view, tears began to fall. I was sad that Yamada had hated me. Thinking he wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore made me feel like it was the end of the world. The smell of Yamada's cigarette on my shirt sleeve made me even sadder as I wiped my tears.

After thirty minutes, or maybe an hour—time felt longer when you didn't know how much had passed—I noticed a car slowing down to match my pace. The low, rumbling engine was familiar. I had hoped Yamada would come back, and every approaching car raised my hopes only to dash them. When he finally returned, I was relieved but also felt frustrated with myself.

The car window rolled down.

"Where are you going, you little wimp?"

I kept walking, not turning to look at him.

"You won't get home that way."

I stopped in my tracks.

"Idiot!"

I shouted angrily.

"You're a moody bastard!"

"Okay, okay, get in the car."

Still fuming, I got into the passenger seat.

"Aren't you hungry? Eat."

A convenience store bag was dropped onto my lap. Yamada always used food to make up. Feeling stubborn, I refused to touch it.

"Come on, I'm apologizing. Cheer up."

"You haven't apologized."

"What?"

"You haven't said sorry. You didn't say 'I’m sorry' to me."

Yamada muttered, "You're really persistent," and reluctantly apologized, " I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

The moment he apologized, I started crying again. Then, I got really hungry and devoured the onigiri⁸ in the bag.

"Don't cry while you're eating."

Yamada said, exasperated. I snapped back, "Shut up." Feeling both relieved and full, I started to feel sleepy and dozed off in the passenger seat.

In my dream, I clung to something warm. I knew it was a woman's chest, but I didn't want to let go. It was soft, warm, and comforting. I licked my fingers, which had touched a softer part below, and it smelled like strawberries.

"Wake up, Michihiko."

I was pulled out of my dream by a smack to my head.

"Wake up, we're in a good spot right now."

I opened my eyes, not knowing where I was, and saw a burst of light.

It was so bright I couldn't keep my eyes open. After blinking a few times, my eyes adjusted, and I saw a beautiful sunrise.

It was the same sea from before. The same sun, but the colors of the beginning and end were completely different. The light sparkled on the sea, playing on the waves. I felt a warmth in my chest, knowing I wouldn't have seen this morning if I hadn't been invited out at night.

"Hey, your dick is hard."

Yamada suddenly grabbed my crotch while I was feeling genuinely moved.

"Ouch, ouch!"

"Getting morning wood, huh? Go take a piss."

I looked around, but there were no public restrooms nearby.

"There's no bathroom."

"Since there are no cars passing by, it should be fine to do it behind the seawall."

It was my first time doing it outside, and I felt reluctant, but with no other options, I squatted by the seawall to do it. When I returned to the car, Yamada teased me, "Did you take a dump too?"

We parted ways at a convenience store near my house, and I got home at 6:30 in the morning. My mom was already awake, and I hoped not to run into her, opening the door cautiously.

"Oh, Michihiko."

The worst timing. My mom, in her apron, came out into the hallway.

"Why are you up so early?"

Even though I'd been out all night, she didn't seem angry. Wondering why she wasn't mad, I realized something. I had been lying.

"I went for a run. There's a match coming up, so I thought I'd build some stamina..."

My mom nodded slightly and yawned. She probably couldn't imagine her son had been out playing all night.

"Building stamina is fine, but be careful of cars."

"Yeah."

After she went back to the kitchen, I rushed upstairs. I threw myself face down on my bed in my room. Even though I knew going out at night was wrong, I didn't feel guilty. I felt tired, but even that felt good. I remembered. The incredibly beautiful night view, the reckless driving that made me think I might die, being left behind at the drive-in, and the beautiful sunrise. It was hard to believe that all of that had happened in one night.

My heart still fluttered. It was fun. It was fun. Despite everything, it was fun overall. I wanted to go out at night again. I wanted to go out with Yamada. ...But I thought going down the mountain road at such a high speed was a bit scary.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW, dub-con, masturbation, violence.

1. 8 square meters is approximately 86 square feet.

2. Chin-chin "チンチン" can be a childish or colloquial reference to penis, like in pee-pee. Hiko “彦” can imply "boy" or "prince". So he's calling Michihiko 'Pee-pee boy/prince'.

3. "soap girls" refers to women who work in soaplands. Soaplands are a type of brothel in Japan where clients can receive erotic massages and other sexual services.

4. Around $497.39 USD.

5. Around $621.73 USD.

6. Gyoza are Japanese dumplings that are usually made with a thin dough and a filling of ground meat and vegetables.

7. Around $0.87 USD.

8. Onigiri, also known as omusubi, nigirimeshi, or rice ball, is a Japanese food made from white rice formed into triangular or cylindrical shapes and often wrapped in nori.

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