Ashen Moon: Epilogue

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

The clouds cleared, revealing a pleasant blue sky. Even in the frigid northern region, the weather becomes more bearable in April, with temperatures rising slightly during the day. The amount of kerosene and firewood used at home has finally decreased.

While fishing, the sea was calm, but the wind picked up before noon. Walking along the road by the breakwater, the smell of the tide was particularly strong.

Returning to the old house, I stepped into the hallway. As I got closer to the back room, I heard a faint mewing. It was different from the usual cat sounds, more delicate. Following the sound to the kitchen, I saw a dark figure next to the gas stove. It was Soichi, dressed in a white sweater and black jeans, sitting on the floor.

"Are you alright?"

I hurried over, thinking he might be feeling unwell. The slender man slowly turned around and put a finger to his lips, signaling me to be quiet.

When I fell silent, he just stared at me. He tugged at the hem of my jacket, causing me to lose balance and sit down. Soichi leaned in, brushing his lips against mine. His cold, soft lips tasted the rough, weathered lips of mine, exposed to the sea breeze, and he nuzzled against my cheek, whispering, "Welcome home."

Beyond him, near the bottom of the stove, I heard the mewing again. Nestled around the belly of the white cat that frequently visited our house were kittens, their fur resembling black and white yarn. The slender cat had recently seemed to have gained weight, but I hadn't realized it was because she was carrying four kittens.

"I woke up this morning and found them here," Soichi said, pointing at the kittens and laughing softly. Then he hugged my arm to his chest and watched the mother cat and her kittens intently.

After dinner, when I couldn't find Soichi, I discovered he was back in the kitchen. The kittens were adorable, but he'd been watching them since early afternoon without getting bored. Concerned about the cold, he had offered his favorite sweater to the cat family in the basket.

It's been two years since we started living in the northern fishing town. Since moving here, this was the first time Soichi had shown interest in something other than gazing at the sea. I put a heater in the kitchen, more for Soichi's sake than the kittens, to prevent him from catching a cold.

I lay in bed but couldn't stop thinking about the paperback novel I had started reading the previous day. The story was gripping until the yakuza appeared, shattering its realism and making me lose interest. I realized that had been my former profession. Should we return to Tokyo, and if so, when? Unable to make a decision, time passed with Soichi unchanged. Gradually, I began to forget who I was and what my purpose had been. Hachi's monthly messages on my smartphone were the only reminders of my former self.

The sliding door opened, and Soichi entered the 13 square meters room.

"Did you turn off the heater in the kitchen?"

He tilted his head uncertainly. I left the futon and went to the kitchen, finding the heater still on. After dealing with it, I returned to the bedroom, where Soichi's nightwear and underwear were discarded. I lifted the futon, revealing his naked body. His pale skin and soft curves were exposed. When I pinched his right nipple, he let out a small sound and shook his head as if in denial.

"Do you not want to be touched?"

He looked at me and shook his head again.

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Suck," he demanded bluntly.

"Like a kitten, suck," he insisted.

I got into the futon, burying my face in the flesh of his chest and kneading both breasts.

"Suck properly," he said, impatiently tapping my back. I enclosed his now slightly firm nipple with my lips, gently grazing it with my teeth.

"Aah, aah," he moaned, his cheeks flushing red and his mouth slack with pleasure. Perhaps imagining himself nursing a kitten while being suckled by a man aroused him sexually. As my fingers entered his greedy hole, ready to receive my manhood as usual, he whispered, "No."

"No," he repeated, genuinely refusing, so I withdrew my fingers. He sighed softly near my ear.

"Are you not in the mood?"

He shook his head.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

He squirmed bashfully. When I stroked his soft hair and kissed him, he looked up at me with moist eyes.

"...pregnant."

I didn't understand what he meant at first. After thinking it over, the question that came to mind was, "Which cat?"

"It's not a cat. It's me," he said, gently pressing his flat belly.

"We've been having sex regularly, so I think I might be pregnant with your child."

I couldn't respond. Was he joking or serious?

"I want to, but it might surprise the baby, so we can't until it's born."

His expression was serious. His penis had been reduced to a stump, and his surgically enhanced breasts were large. He had the appearance of a genderless being, but he was undoubtedly male.

Kato put his hand between his pale, slender legs. He grabbed his two testicles, the symbols of masculinity, tightly with one hand. He felt Soichi’s testicles rise, as he let out a sweet sigh, "Ah."

"What's this?"

Soichi moves his hips wriggling.

"Please tell me what it is."

"...my balls."

His understanding is correct. Maybe the pregnancy is just a joke after all.

"Only men have scrotums. And yet you got pregnant?"

Soichi nods and grabs his own chest from both sides.

"My breasts have gotten bigger without me realizing it."

Soichi bends his knees and spreads his legs wide, touching the tip of his severed penis, which is now just the base. "Ahh," he moans, playing with his own penis, as if it feels good.

"I thought it would be okay not to have a penis, so it became shorter."

Milky fluid oozed from his penile opening.

"I thought it would be nice if things turned out this way, and they did. So, I think I'm pregnant with your child."

He smiled contentedly but then suddenly looked anxious.

"Do you not want it?"

Soichi touched my cheek with his fingertip.

"You look troubled. You might not want it, but I do."

I stroked the broken man’s head.

"...I am happy too."

As I said this, the cloud of anxiety lifted from his expression. He happily nuzzled against me.

"I've always wanted to have your child."

Soichi touched my abdomen, trailing down to my erect penis. He trapped it between his index and middle fingers, slowly stroking it.

"I want this inside me, but it might surprise the baby, so we can't until it's born."

Instead, he took me into his mouth, sucking me with a blissful expression. His skilled tongue brought me to climax quickly. Soichi must have been aroused by just the act of sucking me off because his groin was soaked as if he'd wet himself.

Clinging to me, Soichi fell asleep. I held his body close, feeling helpless. A male body cannot bear children; it defies basic biological principles.

Since recovering from the drugs, Soichi has been drifting. His consciousness and thoughts are elusive. Perhaps, for him, this isn’t the real world but a dream where wishes come true.

However, I live in the real world, where men don’t get pregnant, and children are never born of them.

Seeing the kittens must have made him think he could have children too. It’s insane. Yet, deciding to let it go, since it’s impossible for something that doesn’t exist to be born, made pointing out the mistake meaningless.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

A young mother and her little boy holding hands walked into the shopping mall. From the driver's seat of his light truck, Kato absentmindedly watched them. The boy was hopping around like a rabbit, filled with joy.

The truck’s window was tapped on. It was Hachi. Kato got out of the truck.

“Long time no see,” Hachi greeted, bowing his head. Behind him was a familiar face, Nishida.

“He said he wanted to see you, so I brought him along,” Hachi explained.

Nishida, with a tense voice, greeted, “It’s been a while.”

Hachi had contacted Kato a couple of days earlier, asking if they could visit. The boat Kato was working on had been damaged in the recent storm and was undergoing repairs, giving him some free time.

Hachi and Nishida had driven to Hokkaido. They planned to bring back abalone, which fetches a high price in China and is a lucrative item for poachers. It’s a job for the younger members of the gang, as diving in the sea is not suited for the older ones.

Standing in the shopping mall parking lot, they talked. Hachi suggested going into a shop, but Kato declined.

“I can’t stay long. I have something to ask of you,” Kato said.

“What is it?” Nishida asked, leaning forward.

“I need you to take care of this,” Kato said, handing over a bag that had been in the back of his truck. Nishida gulped and cautiously took it.

“Is this a gun?” Nishida asked in a low voice, aware that this area dealt with many black-market items from Russia. Kato couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s not that, but it’s important. Open it and see.”

Nishida placed the bag on the ground and hesitantly unzipped it. He gasped, and Hachi, peeking in, blinked several times.

Awakened by the movement, a chorus of meowing started from within.

“Are these… kittens?” Nishida asked.

“Yes, the cat the boss loved gave birth. We have too many cats at home. You guys need to take care of them. You’ve got a car, so you can take them back with you,” Kato explained.

Nishida was silent, but Hachi nodded, saying, “Understood. If they’re the boss’s cats, there’ll be plenty who’ll want to take care of them. We’ll distribute them and make sure they’re well looked after. I’ll keep you updated regularly.”

Nishida, tasked by Hachi to care for the cats until they returned to the office, looked perplexed and asked, “What do cats even eat?”

…When Kato suggested giving away the white cat’s kittens, Soichi had been hesitant at first. Ultimately, they agreed to keep one white kitten and give the others away. Many cats came to their house, and while Soichi cared for them, he never called them by name.

The shopping mall was about forty minutes from home by car. Upon returning, Kato immediately entered the 13 square meters room used as a bedroom. Soichi was still in bed, just as he had been when Kato left, his cheeks flushed red.

At this time of year, with the snow almost melted, Soichi had caught a cold and was running a high fever of 39°C degrees (102°F). It might have been from standing outside too long in light clothing, gazing at the sea, or from sleeping in a draft. Kato had tried to take him to a doctor, but Soichi had resisted. As the fever gradually subsided, Kato had given him over-the-counter medicine and monitored his condition. This winter alone, Soichi had fallen ill with a fever twice.

Sitting by the pillow, Kato saw Soichi’s eyes slowly open.

“Where did you go?”

“Hachi and Nishida came by. I gave them the kittens to take care of,” Kato replied.

“Kittens?” Soichi asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“We agreed to give away three kittens because we have too many cats,” Kato reminded him. But it seemed Soichi had forgotten, either due to the fever or his usual memory lapses.

“I’m sorry. But Hachi promised to take good care of them and keep us updated,” Kato reassured him.

Soichi weakly slapped Kato’s knee, then tugged on his jacket, pulling him into the futon. The hot body pressed close, and he bit Kato’s ear and chin like an angry cat.

Though not serious, the bites were painful enough. Kato repeatedly apologized as Soichi whined and clung to him.

“Getting upset will affect the baby,” Kato said, touching Soichi’s thin belly. After a big hiccup, Soichi’s tears stopped. For about a month, Soichi had prefaced everything with “because of the baby.” Their daily life revolved around this non-existent child. Conversations about buying baby supplies or parenting books were met with, “It’s too soon,” or “Maybe later.” Kato had grown used to this “pregnancy” and used it to calm Soichi when he was upset.

Soichi clung to Kato, burying his face in his jacket.

“I think it’s a boy,” Soichi said, mentioning the baby’s gender for the first time.

“Is that so?” Kato responded.

“I want a boy who looks like you, so I think it will be,” Soichi said, peering into Kato’s eyes.

“I’m excited about raising our child together,” he said, smiling happily.

Kato held Soichi’s head. He had come to realize that Soichi’s mind, broken by drugs, would never fully recover. His ideal world was far away, and it couldn’t exist without this man. If asked if he wanted to return to that world without Soichi, he didn’t know. Could he abandon this because it didn’t match his ideal?

Holding each other in the futon, Kato fell asleep. He woke up in the evening to find Soichi gone. He wasn’t in the house or at his usual spot on the breakwater. The fear that Soichi had jumped into the sea gripped Kato.

After searching around, he thought they might have just passed each other while Soichi was out for a walk and returned home. Hearing a rustle in the backyard, he found Soichi sitting on a yellow plastic case in his usual coat, playing with a black rope and the white kitten.

“So, you were here,” Kato said.

Soichi nodded. His forehead was cool to the touch; his fever had broken.

“Let’s go inside. It’s cold out here, and you’ll catch a cold again. It’s bad for the baby,” Kato urged.

Soichi tilted his head slightly.

“The baby? What baby?” he asked with a puzzled expression, as if hearing it for the first time.

“…It’s nothing,” Kato said, guiding Soichi inside with one hand and carrying the kitten with the other. He put the kitten in the kitchen and laid Soichi down on the futon. When he removed Soichi’s pants and slipped his finger between his buttocks, Soichi didn’t resist. He didn’t say no.

After weeks, Kato entered him again. Soichi moaned with an excited sigh, and an overwhelming sense of irritation hit Kato. He thrust roughly, gripping Soichi’s breasts. Soichi kept repeating, “It hurts,” and “You’re breaking me,” until he became a moaning bitch. The child conceived inside Soichi died inside him of its own accord. The loss of something he hadn’t expected overwhelmed him. The mingling of pleasure and frustration directed entirely at the body beneath him.

When it ended, Soichi lay limp. He had just begun to recover from his cold, but Kato’s roughness had exhausted him. Despite protesting during the act, afterward, Soichi stroked and caressed Kato’s manhood.

Kato sat up, and Soichi climbed into his lap.

Soichi held Kato’s face and kissed him. As their tongues intertwined, Soichi seemed delighted. Kato wiped his wet lips and gazed into his innocent yet lascivious and cruel eyes.

“…Do you know my name?” Kato asked.

“Kato,” Soichi replied sweetly.

“My first name,” Kato said.

Tilting his head, Soichi answered, “Haruo.”

“Kato Haruo.”

Kato had never been called by his first name, but Soichi knew it. Kato stroked Soichi’s cheek.

“You forget a lot. Someday, you might forget who I am,” Kato said.

Just as he had forgotten his mother, the gang, and why his body was the way it was, Soichi might forget everything and ask, “Who are you?” one day. Those unreadable eyes stared at Kato, and then he smiled.

“If I forget, tell me again.”

Soichi guided Kato’s hand to his chest.

“Tell me as many times as it takes. Even if I forget, touch me like this…”

He moved Kato’s hand lower, rubbing it against the base of his penis.

“I love you, I love you so much... I love you... I love you.”

Kato hugged him back tightly.

“Do you love me?”

“I love you.”

Such a hopeless man. Even with a broken mind and a mutilated body, even so... there is a part of me that is afraid of being forgotten by this man.

“Even if you forget me, I’ll stay by your side.”

Even if someday I am forgotten, I will still stay by your side. I will pin you down, squeeze your breasts, and thrust my member into you, making you remember that you liked this.

“Okay,” Soichi said, spreading his legs wide. From the tip of his shortened penis, milky fluid seeped out.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Hachi closed his smartphone by the office window. Outside, it was raining—a dreary, unending rain. He sat on the sofa, sighed, and hung his head. The door slammed loudly, and the old Yamahira entered. Their eyes met, and he barked, "Hey."

"Have you found Kato and the boss?"

"...No."

"Where the hell did they go? How can you not get in touch with them?"

Hachi couldn’t answer. He didn’t know. Last month, he hadn’t received a reply to his email. After waiting three days without any word, he flew to Hokkaido out of worry. The house where Kato and the boss had lived had been completely cleared out by the end of last month. None of the neighbors knew where they had gone.

"Will those two come back or not?"

Hachi didn’t know. Truly, he didn’t. But... he had a premonition they’d never meet again. Kato disappeared without a trace or a word, leaving nothing behind. It was as if he were telling them not to follow.

If they remained in the underworld, they might be found someday, but if they went law-abiding, there was no way to track them. Kato was smart. Though he was also a typical yakuza, he could survive doing anything he set his mind to.

Hachi didn’t know where they were, but he was sure of one thing—they were together.

Afterword by the Author

Thank you for picking up "Ashen Moon." This story is a spin-off of the beautiful and shrewd yakuza, Motohashi Soichi, who appeared in the two-volume novel "Smiling at the Moon." I leisurely wrote it as a doujinshi, and it eventually turned into a substantial two-volume work.

The first volume also includes what happened to the characters from "Smiling at the Moon," so I hope it serves as a balm for the grim main story.

Originally, Soichi’s main story was a scrapped short piece because it lacked love. I salvaged it in a doujinshi, aiming to give Soichi a happy ending. However, writing the continuation was an endless task because Kato, the subordinate, wouldn’t turn his attention to Soichi. While writing, I kept wondering how to conclude it. In the end, I believe Soichi’s steadfast feelings got through.

The first volume is about Soichi trying hard to get Kato’s attention in various ways, while the second volume shows Soichi going through a lot. I had forgotten what I wrote and was surprised at how intense it was.

My editor told me, “There are no good people in this story,” and said that Hachi was the only decent one. Indeed, everyone was terrible. They were all villains, reminiscent of the tagline "All Villains." Yet, such people get caught up in the lovestruck boss’s orbit, and in the end, the main culprits abandon everything to live for love.

I am deeply grateful to Mr. Nashi, who graciously accepted to illustrate the continuation. He provided wonderful cover illustrations and insert illustrations. There were two versions of the cover, and my editor said, “It’s difficult, but this one fits the image perfectly.” The cover beautifully conveyed the relationship between the two characters, making it perfect. The designer added a cool design that perfectly matched the brutal characters, making me emotional as I looked at the paired covers.

I owe much to my editor. Despite having the original manuscript, it took an incredibly long time to compile, causing trouble. I’m sorry for that. However, I’m glad I could finally compile it and release these characters into the world.

Thank you for reading to the end this grim, in some ways insane, heartburn-inducing story about these people. I hope you enjoyed it even a little. I look forward to our next meeting, unsure of what book it will be.

Konohara Narise

木原音瀬

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW (description of sex involving a person with mutilated genitals and not of sound mind).

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