Deep Breath: Extra - Part 3

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Snow and Scarves

White streaks, as if angrily slashing across the sky, could be seen through the train window. Beyond them stretched a snow-covered landscape that hardly seemed like Tokyo. Inside the crowded train, as packed as during rush hour, Kenji Yachi clung to the overhead strap, gazing out at the surreal scene through the slightly fogged glass. The night before, even indoors, he had felt a deep chill, and soon after, the snow began to fall. By morning, the snow had piled up, leading to delays in trains and buses. Despite setting his alarm early and leaving an hour ahead of time, the heavier-than-expected snowfall caused massive traffic jams.

Yachi had thought the train would be fine, but now it was delayed by snow removal, slow speeds, and accidents. Yoshihisa Haruno’s flight was supposed to land at 10 a.m., and now it was almost noon.

"They're saying the trains are stopped. Not moving at all," a young man in a down jacket complained into his phone. Yachi wanted to let his partner know he would be late, but he didn’t have a cell phone. He’d never felt the need for one before, but now he desperately wished he had one. He felt guilty thinking about making Haruno wait for a long time in the airport lounge after a long flight from the UK. He at least wanted to explain the situation.

An announcement came over the train’s PA system. The train lurched, and finally, it started to move. The slow pace made Yachi impatient. Hurry up, he thought.

"Oh my, Yachi-sensei?"

Recognizing the familiar voice, Yachi turned around. Standing slightly behind him was Ujihara from his day class. She was a woman in her mid-sixties, with a robust figure.

"I knew it was you, Yachi-sensei. I thought I recognized you," she said, smiling.

Yachi hadn’t expected to run into one of his students here. He gave a small nod and said, "Hello."

Ujihara made her way through the crowd to stand beside him.

"Yachi-sensei, aren't you supposed to be at school today?"

"I’m taking the day off."

Yachi still wasn’t used to being called "sensei," and it felt a little awkward. His current title was "English conversation instructor." Until last month, he had been working at a bento shop. He had started the job as a temporary solution after leaving his previous company and had kept at it because there was no real reason to quit.

Last November, he took a break from the bento shop to visit England. He wanted to see the city where his favorite mystery novels were set and to meet the man who had confessed his love to him.

That man had confessed and then promptly left for England, leaving Yachi with nothing but the knowledge that someone liked him. It was a spark that had disrupted his otherwise ordinary life, stirring his emotions deeply.

He had never considered a man as a romantic partner before, nor could he imagine being in a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex. Yet, the thought of losing contact with Yoshihisa Haruno, the man who had confessed to him, was unbearable. He wanted to stay connected, at least a little longer.

Letters from Haruno in England arrived almost weekly. The content was always within the bounds of friendship, but through the lens of "he likes me," Yachi could see glimpses of affection in the carefully written letters.

Over time, these weekly letters became love letters in Yachi’s eyes. When Haruno wrote, "Why don’t you come visit?" or "The ginkgo trees on the main street are so beautiful—I’d love for you to see them," Yachi read these as words of love. It made him feel a bit embarrassed but also warm, and he would often reread the letters under his covers before bed.

It might sound old-fashioned, but Yachi's feelings grew stronger through these letters. He started to want to see the London scenery that Haruno described and to visit Haruno himself. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to meet him in person.

With a burst of motivation that even surprised himself, Yachi booked a flight and hotel. Even though he had decided to go to London and meet Haruno, he hadn’t thought much beyond that… but swept up in the moment, they ended up becoming involved with each other. The pace was so fast that Yachi hadn’t had time to really reflect on his feelings, but he didn’t regret it. He found himself genuinely loving the man who had pursued him.

Soon, Yachi became infatuated with Haruno, his younger boyfriend. It was as if he were a schoolboy again, spending his days and nights in a whirlwind of passion. Even now, thinking back on it made him feel a bit embarrassed.

There had been a woman he had considered marrying, but he had never been as consumed by someone as he was now. He was bewildered by the intensity of his emotions, realizing how deeply he could yearn for another person.

When it came time to leave England, Yachi found it hard to say goodbye. He even entertained the ridiculous idea of stuffing his boyfriend into his duffel bag and bringing him back with him.

Returning to his familiar home, Yachi felt both relieved and lonely. The time they had spent passionately together in England seemed like a dream, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he hadn’t been himself back then. But every time Haruno called, his voice sweeter than before, Yachi knew that what had happened was real.

He had brought some souvenirs to the bento shop where he worked, and during a conversation, he casually mentioned that he could speak English. The shop owner then asked him, "Would you mind helping out at an English conversation school? A friend of mine runs one."

A foreign teacher had been hospitalized, and the school was in a bind. Yachi agreed to fill in on his days off from the bento shop. The school was a small operation run by a man named Okita, who was around Yachi’s age. During their first meeting, which also served as an interview, Okita was surprised and said, "Your pronunciation is better than mine."

The hospitalized teacher ended up returning to their home country due to their prolonged illness, and Yachi, having been liked by Okita, was offered a permanent position. Yachi hesitated at first, but the pay was good, and what sealed the deal was when he told Haruno about it and Haruno said, "Your English is beautiful, Yachi-san. I think it’s a great opportunity."

The English conversation school offered both daytime and evening courses. The day courses were mostly attended by middle-aged and older people who had time on their hands and wanted to be able to converse during their travels. The night courses were for office workers and students who were preparing for work or studies abroad.

"So, where are you headed, Yachi-sensei?" Ujihara asked cheerfully.

"To Narita Airport, to pick someone up."

"Did a family member go on a trip?"

"No, a friend is returning from an overseas assignment."

"Is this friend of yours… perhaps someone special?" Ujihara narrowed her eyes and gave a knowing smile.

Yachi’s ears suddenly burned with embarrassment.

"Uh, well…"

Seeing his flustered reaction, Ujihara covered her mouth with her hand and laughed. "Yachi-sensei, you’re so cute."

"Taking time off work to go pick someone up—you must be head over heels! What’s your special someone like?"

Yachi’s face was flushed, and he couldn’t shake the feeling of embarrassment.

"…Just an ordinary person," he finally said.

"How much younger are they?"

"About ten years."

"You’re still single, right? Are you going to get married?"

"We’re talking about living together."

"Why beat around the bush? Just go ahead and tie the knot! Maybe she’s waiting for you to propose. These days, women can be forward, but a man still needs to step up when it counts."

Ujihara continued asking questions—who did Haruno look like, what was his personality like? Finally, she got off at the next station, and Yachi was relieved to be free, though he was sweating from the embarrassment.

Setting aside the topic of marriage for now, it might be a bit early to live together. When Haruno mentioned he didn't have a place to stay after returning to Japan, I impulsively suggested he stay at my place... Before he left for England, he often visited and seemed comfortable here, so I thought living together would be fine. But being a guest is different from being a resident. Still, I feel more excited than anxious.

The day before yesterday, Haruno’s belongings arrived from England. Seeing those plain cardboard boxes piled up, I finally realized he was really coming here, and I felt a strange affection for them.

I grip the hand strap tightly. I want to get to the airport as quickly as possible. I don’t want to keep him waiting, but more than that, I want to see Haruno. I want to see his face.

Finally, the train arrived at the airport station, and I quickly got off. I couldn't wait for the escalator and ran up the stairs. It had been years since I ran this hard. I was out of breath. At this point, it didn’t matter if I walked or ran...

The lobby came into view. There were few people. Among them, I saw a man sitting with a large suitcase in front of him.

He’s sitting on a sofa, slightly hunched over like a child left behind, with a lonely expression.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

In the distance, Haruno sees a figure approaching. After glancing around nervously, the figure quickly moves toward him. He had hoped each time someone approached that it would be the person he was waiting for, only to be disappointed. But in the moment he realized this was really the person he had been longing to see, Haruno jumped up from his seat.

His knee knocked into something with a loud clatter, and his suitcase toppled over. While he hastily picked it up, the person he was waiting for had already reached him.

"Are you okay?"

Yachi’s cheeks and ears were slightly flushed, and his shoulders heaved as he caught his breath.

"Oh, yes."

Once again, he had shown a clumsy side of himself. He must have seemed quite noisy. His grip on the suitcase handle tightened instinctively.

"That’s good to hear. I’m sorry I’m so late. I must have kept you waiting a long time."

"The plane was delayed too, so it wasn’t that bad."

In truth, the plane had arrived almost on time. Despite not being able to contact him and waiting for two hours, feeling anxious and even imagining that he had been abandoned, when he finally saw Yachi’s face, he didn’t want to make him feel bad, so he lied.

"The train was delayed by snow, and then there was an accident that caused a stoppage. I thought about changing trains, but they were delayed by snow as well..."

Haruno watched Yachi, who was desperately trying to explain. It had been three months since they last met, ever since Yachi returned to Japan. They had talked many times over internet calls, but seeing him in person was different.

Though he wasn’t running anymore, the redness in Yachi’s cheeks deepened slightly.

"Aren’t you hungry?"

Haruno shook his head.

"No, I’m fine. The in-flight meal was served late."

"Then, shall we head home?"

Yachi naturally took hold of Haruno’s suitcase.

"Oh, I can carry it myself."

As Haruno reached out to take it back, his fingers brushed against Yachi’s. That light touch made his heart skip a beat, and he felt confused by his own reaction. Even though they had already been intimate, he was unbelievably nervous.

"Let me carry it as an apology for keeping you waiting. Besides, if I don’t have something to hold, I’ll feel awkward and out of place."

Haruno obediently withdrew his hand and walked beside Yachi, heading straight for the train platform. The train was a bit crowded, so they sat side by side on a bench. Feeling the warmth next to him, Haruno realized, now more than ever, that he was back in Japan.

He loved Yachi. He loved him so much that he couldn’t help it. The time when his feelings were unspoken, when he harbored a one-sided love, was painful, but the three months they had to be apart after they finally connected were even more frustrating and agonizing. He never imagined that even after becoming a couple, he would still be tormented by such emotions. The first few days after Yachi returned from England were particularly hard; it felt as if half of him had been torn away. Just thinking about Yachi would bring tears to his eyes, and he couldn’t control it.

He looked forward to talking on the phone, but after each call, he would be overwhelmed by a sense of emptiness that he couldn’t shake. His emotions swung wildly, and managing them was a struggle.

He wondered if he was the only one feeling so intensely. Even when they talked on the phone, Yachi’s tone was always the same, making it hard to gauge his emotions. He was kind and responsive to Haruno’s feelings, but Haruno couldn’t help but feel that Yachi wasn’t as deeply invested. Maybe in matters of love, the one who cares more loses.

He had wanted to see him. He had wanted to see him so badly that now, even with him right next to him, feeling his warmth, and seeing his profile when he turned his head, Haruno found himself annoyed by his own muddled thoughts.

The heavy silhouette of the wool coat Yachi was wearing was the same one he’d worn back when they worked at the same company. But the white knitted scarf around his neck was something Haruno had never seen before. It served its purpose as a winter accessory, but it wasn’t particularly stylish.

Haruno gently pinched the tasseled end of the scarf between his fingers. It seemed too clumsy to be store-bought, with a few loose stitches here and there. If it was handmade, he wondered who had given it to him.

"Haruno, you’re like a cat."

When Haruno looked up, he saw Yachi smiling, his eyes narrowed.

"A cat?"

"My tabby loves the tassels on my scarf and often plays with them. Because of that, they’re all frayed."

Haruno quickly let go of the tassel. Still, he couldn’t take his eyes off the scarf wrapped around Yachi’s neck.

"Is that scarf handmade?"

In the end, he couldn’t hold back his curiosity.

"Yes, it is. My mother knitted it for me when I was still a student, many years ago."

He felt relieved that it wasn’t from a lover. If Yachi had been a student when he got it, that must have been nearly twenty years ago. Haruno knew both of Yachi’s parents had passed away. Perhaps he cherished it as a memento.

No, not just that. The coat was quite old too, so Yachi must be the type to treasure things he likes for a long time. Haruno thought that was admirable. He hoped that one day, he too could become something Yachi cherished and kept close for a long time.

Speaking of scarves, Yachi had given him a cashmere one in England. Not only did he wear it whenever he went out, but he also brought it to bed with him when he was lonely. Burying his face in the soft cashmere helped ease the loneliness a little. That scarf was now tucked away in his suitcase. Yachi didn’t know that the gift he had given on a whim had become something Haruno kept close, like a talisman.

He had so many things he wanted to talk about when they met, but now he couldn’t find the words. And before he knew it, they had arrived at the station near Yachi’s house.

Yachi exited the ticket gate and headed toward the taxi stand. They could have walked to the house, but looking at the snow-covered road, Haruno understood why they would take a taxi. It would be impossible to pull the suitcase along that snowy path.

Even though it wasn’t a large station, a short line had formed at the taxi stand. As Haruno joined the end of the line, a chill traced along his neck, making him shiver.

"Are you cold?" 

Yachi asked. 

"I'm fine. We should be able to get in a taxi soon." 

Despite what Haruno said, Yachi removed that slightly shabby scarf and wrapped it snugly around Haruno's neck. 

"I hate seeing you look cold," he said. 

Haruno, already wearing a turtleneck sweater, felt an inexplicable sense of guilt seeing Yachi’s now exposed neck. 

"I can’t borrow this. I have my own scarf; it’s just packed away in my suitcase..." 

"Don’t worry about it," Yachi said, smiling as he lightly patted Haruno's head. This small gesture made Haruno so happy he felt like crying. His eyes actually began to water, and he buried his face in the old, knitted scarf. The scent of Yachi filled his senses, and his heart wouldn’t stop racing. The cold seemed to vanish completely. 

Their turn for a taxi came quickly, and they climbed into the back seat. Even though they had been close while on the train, walking, and waiting for the taxi, the distance between them in the cab felt oddly far. Haruno didn’t like it. "Yachi-san, your hand," he said. 

Yachi tilted his head slightly and offered his right hand. Haruno took it, squeezed it tightly, and said, "It’s cold, isn’t it?" He didn’t let go. Yachi responded by squeezing back firmly. The taxi driver might have noticed, but Haruno no longer cared. After all, they might never see this person again. 

They arrived at Yachi’s house in about five minutes. The familiar, old house looked like a gingerbread house covered in snow, with the roof completely white. Not just the roof, but the yard and the fence were all blanketed in white. 

Yachi carried the suitcase across the yard, paused at the entrance, and unlocked the sliding door. 

"Come in." 

Haruno brushed the snow off his coat and stepped inside. From deeper in the house, the sound of light footsteps echoed, and a tabby cat appeared in the hallway. 

When Haruno crouched down and reached out, the cat, remembering him, rubbed its face against his hand. As he picked it up, he felt the weight of it. 

"Have you gotten fat?" 

Suddenly, he was embraced from behind, and startled, he let go. The cat landed with a heavy thud. 

"Yachi-san..." 

He was turned around to face Yachi’s gaze, a look of passion pouring into him. When Haruno parted his lips slightly, Yachi met them with his own, as if he’d been waiting for that moment. His lips were dry and cold. They parted briefly, only to kiss again, and with each kiss, they grew deeper. Haruno wrapped his arms tightly around Yachi, pulling him closer. 

The kiss was so intense that Haruno thought Yachi might push him down right there in the entryway, but eventually, Yachi seemed to cool down. Yet his gaze, still fixed on Haruno, was so alluring it could make him dizzy. 

Yachi’s fingers gently ran through Haruno’s hair, as if handling something fragile. 

"Welcome home," Yachi said. 

Not "Hello" but "Welcome home." The moment Haruno heard that, all the anxiety he’d felt while waiting in the airport lobby dissolved. Yachi already saw him as someone who belonged in this house, not just a guest. 

"I’m home," Haruno replied. 

Yachi’s expression was so happy, so warm, that it was almost enough to melt him. He kissed Haruno’s neck. 

The tabby cat, now at Haruno’s feet, meowed playfully. 

"Yachi-san, the cat..." 

Yachi responded with a simple "Hmm," but he was too absorbed in Haruno to pay any attention to the cat. 

"Has this little one put on some weight?" 

At this, Yachi suddenly stopped moving, looking away awkwardly. 

"I thought it might be lonely without you here, so I ended up feeding it too much." 

Haruno laughed, and Yachi, looking troubled, lowered his head. Haruno clung to him tightly, letting the warmth and comfort of the embrace envelop him in the dimly lit, old entry hallway.  

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