Deep Breath: Chapter 1 - part 4

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What was supposed to be a temporary arrangement until something else came along had gradually turned into a permanent night shift for me. My days off had settled into a regular pattern of Sundays and Mondays, and the manager seemed to have completely forgotten about his initial promise of "just for a little while."

If I made sure to sleep well during the day and established a rhythm within my body, working at night wasn’t too hard. In fact, with fewer customers, the night shift was even easier in some ways.

Just as my body had adjusted to the rhythm of night work, my weekly meetings with Haruno had become a routine in my life. Haruno called me twice a week, mostly to talk about books, aside from occasionally asking about my ear.

Every Sunday afternoon, Haruno would come to my house. He’d return the books he had borrowed and take two more with him. At first, when he bluntly told me, "I didn’t find it interesting," about a book I’d lent him, I didn’t feel great about it. But over time, I got used to it. As a result, I started to feel a sense of satisfaction whenever he said, "That was interesting," and I found myself putting more effort into selecting the next books to lend him, hoping to hear that again.

As our relationship continued, I found it easier to interact with Haruno without being constantly reminded of his former role as my younger boss. When I looked at him, the words "boss" and "competent" used to come to mind first, stirring up feelings of inadequacy in me. But as those associations faded, I began to see Haruno as simply a "straightforward, blunt, and slightly audacious younger man."

Having worked in the company for twenty years, where flattery was a social norm, Haruno’s straightforwardness could sometimes sting. But once I got used to it, I began to appreciate his honesty, realizing that he was trustworthy because he didn’t sugarcoat anything.

Knowing that someone would be visiting on the weekends, I started cleaning my house more regularly. It wasn’t that I hadn’t cleaned before, but when you live alone, it’s easy to slack off.

I also began tending to my overgrown garden whenever I felt like it. Haruno had once commented, "It’s nice that your house has a garden. I’ve lived in apartments all my life." Being told that he envied my garden made me see it in a new light, and I started to feel a sense of attachment to it. I couldn’t bear to leave it in such a neglected state anymore.

Haruno always brought some kind of gift when he visited. It seemed to be his way of showing appreciation for borrowing books. At first, I felt awkward accepting them, but now I found myself looking forward to seeing what he would bring next. As the cold days continued, he started bringing more traditional Japanese sweets.

On the last Sunday of January, I woke up around noon. After a light cleaning, I had lunch. As I relaxed, it was nearly time for Haruno to arrive, so I set up the oil stove in the living room to warm the room with the kotatsu.

Even though it was past two in the afternoon, Haruno didn’t show up. By the time it was past four, I began to think he wasn’t coming today. Just then, I heard his voice from the entrance, "Excuse me."

"Sorry I’m late."

"It’s fine, come in."

"And here, I brought this."

The bag he handed me felt unusually heavy. I could feel the chill coming from him as he took off his shoes, so I asked, "Was it cold outside?"

"Yes, very cold," he replied.

"But it’s always warm here when I come," he added as he entered the living room, letting out a relieved sigh as he took off his coat. Under the brighter light, I noticed how pale he looked, and his eyes were red.

"You look tired. Are you okay?" I asked.

Haruno gave a wry smile. "I haven’t been sleeping much."

"You didn’t have to force yourself to come. Wouldn’t it have been better to rest at home?"

His gaze turned intense as he looked at me.

"I wanted to come here. I also had the feeling that you were waiting for me," he said.

He probably meant it, and it was true that I had been waiting for him to visit, as usual. But hearing him say it so plainly made me feel awkward. I hadn’t meant my words to be just polite, even if they had come across that way.

At that moment, I heard a meow and the sound of claws scratching against the sliding door. Though he had just sat down, Haruno quickly stood up and opened the door.

The tabby cat, which had become almost like a house cat since it stopped going outside in the cold, rubbed against Haruno. He happily picked up the cat and tucked his feet under the kotatsu, ignoring how the cat’s fur clung to his usual black sweater.

Leaving Haruno to play with the cat, I got up and went to the kitchen. As usual, I boiled some water. Today’s gift was a type of yokan I hadn’t seen before. I turned the package over and saw that it was made in Osaka. Perhaps he had been on a business trip.

When I returned to the living room with the yokan and coffee on a tray, I found Haruno lying on the tatami mat, curled up and fast asleep. The cat had curled up on his chest as well.

Haruno had never shown such a relaxed side of himself before, so seeing him without his usual tension was a bit refreshing. His sleeping face looked surprisingly young, and it was hard to believe that this was the same man who commanded dozens of subordinates with ease.

I quietly picked up a few books and settled into a seat. I didn’t want Haruno to wake up and find himself alone, so I stayed in the room and began reading.

Even though Haruno had fallen asleep, making it feel like I was spending the afternoon alone, it didn’t feel lonely at all.

Haruno woke up a little after six in the evening. The cat, tired of sleeping and wandering restlessly around the house, had started meowing for food, and that single cry woke him up. Watching him as he woke was amusing. One moment he was stirring, and the next, he suddenly bolted upright, glancing around the room in confusion. After rubbing his eyes vigorously, he checked his watch and seemed even more startled.

"I fell asleep, didn’t I? ...I’m sorry for dozing off in your home."

When I laughed and said, "No need to apologize," Haruno's face twisted with embarrassment.

"I’ve never fallen asleep in front of someone before..."

"You must have been really tired," I said, trying to steer the conversation away from his prolonged nap, knowing that dwelling on it might embarrass him further.

"It’s already quite late, so..."

"Then, I’ll be going," he said, quickly standing up. It was clear he had misunderstood, and I was the one caught off guard.

"Oh, no, I didn’t mean you should leave..."

Haruno fixed his gaze on me.

"Then what did you mean?"

I admired his straightforwardness, but at the same time, being pressed for a clear response was a bit challenging. Conversations with Haruno required a different kind of energy because he never picked up on subtle hints.

"I was just thinking that, since it’s late and I’m getting hungry, maybe we could have dinner together if you’d like."

The frustration on Haruno's face gradually gave way to what looked like genuine pleasure, and his expression softened slightly. Though I initially thought he had little expression, lately, I’d become more attuned to even the slightest changes.

"Yes," he agreed, and his response came quickly. We decided to eat, but I couldn’t decide whether to go out or order in. Haruno clearly stated, "It’s cold outside, so I’d prefer delivery."

I rummaged through some flyers by the phone and ordered two bowls of ramen from a local shop. It had been years since I’d ordered delivery to my home.

Even after waking up, Haruno remained in the kotatsu, doing nothing. During work, I never got the impression that he was someone who did nothing, so it felt like I was looking at a different person.

He had never stayed this long when visiting my home before, so this might have been the first time we’d spent so much time alone together.

"My home was in an apartment with wooden flooring, so I’ve never lived with a kotatsu," Haruno remarked.

"Is that so?" I replied, resting my elbows on the kotatsu table.

"My mother was a single mother. She had me without marrying my father. She was what you might call an early career woman, working as a fashion designer, but she was incredibly busy and wasn’t the type to spend much time with her child. But as a kid, I admired how she prioritized her work above everything else. My mother arranged our lifestyle in a completely Western style."

I responded with a simple, "I see."

"After I graduated high school, I studied abroad. In terms of living, I never had trouble with anything other than the language because my mother, who was unusually assertive for a Japanese person, raised me to speak my mind clearly. Perhaps because of that, I found it easier to get along with the friends I made overseas than with people in Japan. When I returned to Japan at twenty-eight, I was often frustrated by how vague Japanese people could be."

Feeling like I embodied that "vague Japanese person," I could only give a wry smile.

"Living with tatami mats means you use a lot of unnecessary effort just to stand up and sit down. I used to think it wasn’t very practical, but since I started visiting your home, I’ve come to appreciate the charm of a traditional Japanese house."

Though his story had been long, it seemed he was ultimately complimenting my home.

"I’ve never had a particular preference for Western or Japanese styles. This is just the house I was born and raised in."

Haruno suddenly averted his gaze.

"I’ve never lived in one place for long. My mother disliked staying in one place, so we moved every three years without fail. So, if someone asked me where my home is, I wouldn’t know what to say. I envy you, Yachi-san, for having a place you can call home."

As someone who had always taken living in a house with a garden for granted, listening to Haruno, I realized that even a man as seemingly perfect as he was might be searching for a place where his heart could find peace.

"My mother still moves every three years. Every time she tells me she’s moved again, I can’t help but feel exasperated."

While we were talking, I heard someone call out, "Excuse me," from the garden. It was the ramen delivery. As I brought the ramen into the living room, the cat, drawn by the enticing smell, came over, rubbing against Haruno and meowing sweetly.

At first, Haruno tried to brush the cat off, but in the end, he took out the narutomaki from his ramen, placed it in his hand, and fed it to the cat. The cat ate all the narutomaki and then licked his hand, still hungry for more. Haruno looked delighted and a little ticklish as he curled up, enjoying the attention.

After dinner, Haruno asked if he could see my book collection.

"I’ve always found it curious how you always seem to pull books out from the back of the room."

There was nothing I needed to hide, so I took him to the small room that also served as my bedroom. The futon was put away, so the only thing there was the bookshelf, packed tightly with books. Haruno gazed at the book titles with great interest.

"These books here are old, but I found them interesting. I’ve read them several times..."

As we talked, a sharp pain suddenly shot through my left ear, and I instinctively covered it with my hand.

"Is your ear hurting?" Haruno asked, quick to notice.

"Ah, just sometimes. But it’s not a big deal."

The calm atmosphere suddenly shifted as Haruno gave me a stern look.

"When did it start hurting?"

"About a week ago, I think."

Haruno's expression became even more serious.

"Are you seeing a doctor?"

"Of course, I am. But I guess I haven’t been managing it well, and it got inflamed..."

Haruno pressed his thumb to his chin, deep in thought, before looking up at me.

"If you don’t mind me asking, is the doctor you’re seeing someone you trust?"

That question caught me off guard. I had chosen the hospital simply because it was close to home.

"Well, he’s a kind doctor..."

"Kindness alone won’t cure you."

Haruno’s strict tone made me feel like I was back at my old workplace.

"I have a friend who’s a doctor. I’ll contact him now and see what he suggests."

"Oh, but..."

"Do you have any objections to seeing a better doctor?"

Unable to argue, I fell silent. Haruno left the room, and I could hear him talking to someone in the hallway. Soon after, he returned to the small room and confirmed, "You’re off tomorrow during the day, right?"

"It’s through a friend of a friend, but they say this doctor is very reliable. Since you have work at night, I’ve arranged for you to see him in the morning. He’s scheduled you for the first appointment, so please be on time."

The note Haruno handed me had the name of a large general hospital near the station. I knew it had a good reputation, but it was also known for long wait times. Without a connection, I wouldn’t have been able to get an appointment so easily.

Although I understood that Haruno had arranged everything with my best interests in mind, I couldn’t bring myself to simply say thank you.

"I may have upset you by taking matters into my own hands, but I’m not going to back down on this. I believe I have the right to be involved because, to some extent, I was responsible for your injury."

"I’ve told you many times that you weren’t at fault," I replied, becoming a bit stubborn.

"I’m worried about you," Haruno continued. "Yes, I feel guilty about the injury, but more than that, I genuinely want you to get better soon. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with hearing loss, but I can guess that it must be very inconvenient. If you can understand how I feel, please do what you can to recover quickly and put my mind at ease."

His straightforwardness was suffocating.

"…Alright. I’ll take you up on your offer and go to the doctor tomorrow," I replied, suppressing the lingering discomfort in my chest. Seeing Haruno’s relieved expression made me feel a bit better.

Shortly after that, Haruno left. Once I was alone, I felt a mix of relief and emptiness, as if the room had suddenly grown larger.

As I lightly rinsed the delivery containers, I realized that Haruno hadn’t borrowed any books this time. Still, I had a feeling that he would come by again next week.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The next morning was extremely cold. I put on an old, heavy wool coat I’d bought ages ago and rode my bicycle to the hospital. Just as I’d heard, the waiting room was already packed with about twenty people, even before the official consultation hours had started.

When the consultations began, my name was called first. The doctor who saw me was a man in his early thirties, with a polite and friendly manner.

It turned out that the inflammation was delaying the healing of my eardrum, so the doctor disinfected my ear and prescribed antibiotics. He also stressed that I must avoid getting any water in my ear, especially when washing my hair.

After the treatment, as I was about to leave the examination room, the curtain by the entrance suddenly swished open. A tall man in a white coat walked in without any hesitation. He looked to be in his early thirties, around the same age as Haruno.

"Is he here?" the doctor who treated me asked, glancing briefly in my direction. Following his gaze, the tall man looked at me. He seemed surprised for a moment, then smiled and introduced himself.

"Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Sakaguchi. I hear you’re an acquaintance of Haruno."

This must be the man who had helped arrange the appointment. I bowed my head respectfully.

"Thank you for your help. I’m sorry for any trouble I caused."

"No, no trouble at all," Sakaguchi replied cheerfully, a stark contrast to the usually expressionless Haruno. Even after we left the examination room, Sakaguchi walked beside me. I assumed we were heading in the same direction, but when we reached a quieter area, he suddenly said, "He’s a switch, so it must be fun for you, right?"

I stopped in my tracks. The casual tone in which Sakaguchi spoke caught me off guard, and I didn’t understand what he meant by "switch." Was it some kind of trendy term used by younger people to describe a personality trait?

"I’m embarrassed to say I’m not familiar with young people’s slang."

Sakaguchi’s eyes widened as if he had just discovered some rare creature, and he stared at me intently.

"Haruno is very straightforward, but he’s a kind person," I said, trying to redirect the conversation.

Sakaguchi rubbed the back of his head, frowning slightly. "Are you playing dumb, or are you serious?"

Though I was speaking seriously, Sakaguchi seemed somewhat irritated. In any case, it was clear that we weren’t understanding each other.

"Well, whatever. But let me ask you one thing," Sakaguchi said, leaning in close to my ear and whispering, "Which one’s on top?"

Though I found him intrusive, I decided to answer honestly rather than stay silent.

"When we worked together, he was my boss. But since I’ve quit the company, there’s no longer a hierarchy between us."

After a brief pause, Sakaguchi’s expression changed. He apologized, "I’m sorry," in a more formal tone, and then added, "Please don’t tell him I asked you anything," before hurriedly walking away.

By the time I returned home from the hospital, it was just past noon. As I was about to step into the house, the phone began ringing. I assumed it was Haruno and quickly picked up the receiver.

After confirming that it was indeed Haruno, he immediately asked, "Did you go to the hospital?"

"Yes, I did. I got some antibiotics, so I’ll see how it goes."

"I see," Haruno murmured, sounding relieved. I knew he was probably at work, and I should end the call soon, but there was something I felt I had to say.

"About your friend, Mr. Sakaguchi…"

"What?" His voice sounded puzzled.

"He went out of his way to check on me and say hello. If you see him, please thank him for me."

Haruno’s response was surprisingly vague for someone usually so direct. "Yeah, sure."

"Did Sakaguchi say anything else to you?" Haruno asked.

I recalled the odd conversation and how Sakaguchi had hurried away, but since he had asked me not to mention it, I decided to keep it to myself.

"Not really."

"I see…" Haruno trailed off.

Suddenly, I remembered something and decided to bring it up. "This is completely unrelated, but… do you know what the term ‘switch’ means?"

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Is it some kind of trendy term that young people use?"

"Who told you that?" Haruno’s voice was filled with anger, as if he had witnessed the conversation himself.

"Well, um, I saw it on TV…"

"Sakaguchi said it, didn’t he? He must have. What else did he tell you?" Haruno demanded, his anger palpable even over the phone.

Caught off guard by his intense reaction, I didn’t know how to respond.

"It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think Mr. Sakaguchi meant any harm when he said it."

The phone abruptly clicked, and the call ended. I hesitated, unsure if I should call back, but then remembered that he was likely at work and decided against it.

Later, when I considered calling him after work, I realized I didn’t have Haruno’s phone number. I had never called him before.

When I was still working, I had a mobile phone and had saved my boss’s home and mobile numbers. But since I mostly did desk work and didn’t like emailing, I had canceled my phone contract when I quit my job. Without a steady income, I wanted to cut costs wherever possible, and the house phone was more than sufficient.

I probably still had the company’s employee directory somewhere, which would have his number, but I had no idea where I had put it. Only now did I realize how much I had relied on Haruno for our communication.

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