Cold Sleep - Chapter 3

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

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The Person I Love

Human desires probably have no end.

The windshield wipers moved like a metronome, brushing away the fine snowflakes one after another. It was 7 PM, the time when people were heading home, so the area around the station was packed with cars. Even when the light turned green, traffic barely moved. After waiting through two red lights, I finally managed to get past the intersection. I pulled over near a convenience store about 50 meters from the station, and soon a man approached the car.

The man placed a silver camera case in the back seat and then got into the passenger seat. The cold, crisp scent of the outside air clung to him.

"Sorry for making you come pick me up," said Masayuki Taniguchi, flashing a smile. Just that simple gesture made me feel embarrassed and shy. Unable to look Masayuki directly in the eye, I looked down and muttered, "No, it’s fine."

Though we were the same age, he looked somewhat younger than me. He could effortlessly pull off wearing unusual shirts and flashy jackets that I could never imagine wearing. He usually wore jeans; in fact, I had never seen him in anything else. He looked young, not just because of his clothes, but also because of the way he lived.

"Was it cold in Kanazawa?"

"It was freezing!” Masayuki said, exaggerating a shiver and hugging his shoulders. “And it was just a day trip too. I was taking pictures of an outdoor hot spring in the snow, trying to capture a model who was supposed to look warm, but she was shivering the whole time. I should’ve splurged and stayed overnight."

Last night, Masayuki had sent a message saying, "I’m going to Kanazawa tomorrow for a day trip. I’m free the day after, so if you’re free too, why don’t you come over tomorrow night?" I had quickly replied, "I’ll be there." One good thing about being a civil servant, I thought, was the lack of overtime. Even after work, I could get to Masayuki’s apartment in about an hour. I couldn’t drink since I was driving, but we could still have dinner together.

"Man, I’m starving. What do you feel like eating?"

"Anything’s fine with me."

As long as it was something Masayuki wanted, I didn’t care.

"How about sushi, then?"

"Sure."

Masayuki pointed to a conveyor belt sushi chain, saying, "Let's go there." Caught off guard, I blinked in surprise. ...Maybe he didn’t have much money on hand. Although Masayuki works as a photographer, it doesn't seem like he has any stable contracts, so his income is inconsistent. There were times when his daily messages suddenly stopped, and I became so depressed, thinking he had abandoned me, that I couldn't focus on work. I couldn’t bear it any longer and went to his apartment, where he shrugged and explained that he had missed a payment for his phone bill because the payment from a publisher had been delayed, so his phone service was cut off. "I only had 1,000 yen left in my wallet and wondered how I was going to survive the week. But now, I’m rich again," he said with a wry smile. If he had just asked, I could have helped him out, but he never says anything in times like those. This is the kind of man Masayuki Taniguchi, the person I fell in love with, was.

We pulled into the parking lot of the sushi restaurant, and after parking the car, Taniguchi quickly went inside with just his wallet in hand. I hurried to follow him. This was a conveyor belt sushi restaurant I had seen in commercials and on TV, known for being reasonably priced, but this was my first time actually going inside.

The interior was bright, with an atmosphere similar to that of a family restaurant. About half of the seats were occupied, mostly by families. Taniguchi, familiar with the place, sat at the counter. Actual sushi was moving along the conveyor belt on small plates. Watching it made me feel as excited as a child.

"Can I really take whatever I want?"

When I asked, Taniguchi blinked once and said, "Sure." Just as I was about to grab a blue plate, Taniguchi suddenly burst out laughing.

"Wait, was I not supposed to take this?"

" You don’t start with pudding, of all things " Masayuki said, still laughing.

"It just looked so good..."

Masayuki chuckled, "You’re something else, you know that?"

◇:-:◆:-:◇

I used up all my courage. With the help of alcohol, I finally confessed my feelings after eleven years.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Yuichi Kurokawa confessed to the man he had loved at last year’s reunion. He had fallen in love with him in high school, but graduated without ever saying so. Many people, whether their crush is on someone of the same sex or the opposite sex, end up keeping their feelings to themselves. Kurokawa knew he wasn’t special in that regard. What set him apart was that, even after eleven years, he still couldn’t bring himself to love anyone else.

At the end of autumn, a postcard arrived—a notice for the high school reunion. As usual, he marked it as a non-attendee, but then the words "eleven years" caught his eye. He was surprised that so much time had passed since graduation. That night, he pulled his high school yearbook off the shelf. Beneath the gloomy photo of himself was the picture of Masayuki Taniguchi. Even as a high schooler, he had thought Masayuki was handsome.

Masayuki Taniguchi had always been someone Kurokawa admired. He wasn’t particularly outstanding in academics or sports, but he was cheerful, fearless, and got along with everyone. He embodied everything Kurokawa wished he could be. Kurokawa had been shy and introverted since elementary school and was bullied in middle school for being "dark." He had even thought about dying, but somehow he made it through middle school.

In high school, Kurokawa had desperately wanted to fit in, but despite his efforts, he couldn’t make any friends. No one paid attention to him. Even when he tried to start conversations, no one responded. Eventually, he became afraid of people. He was scared of being seen, scared of talking. He began to believe that no matter what he said, no one would care. In a class of forty-two students, he felt like an outsider, isolated from everyone else.

Everyone ignored him. The only person who extended a hand to help Kurokawa was his idol, Taniguchi. When did that admiration turn into romantic feelings? It was during the Iron Walk. While participating in the long-distance school event, Kurokawa fainted from anemia. As he was being cared for, with Taniguchi fanning his face, Kurokawa thought, "I want to be with this person forever. If it were just the two of us in the world, how much easier life would be."

On graduation day, Kurokawa wanted to thank Taniguchi one last time for the Iron Walk, so he searched the school and finally found him asleep on the rooftop. Even now, Kurokawa marvels at his own boldness. He had kissed the sleeping Taniguchi. In that moment, it felt like his past and future disappeared, leaving just the two of them in their own world. But that world was an illusion. When Taniguchi woke up, he left in anger. Maybe he was upset because he realized Kurokawa had kissed him, or maybe he simply didn’t like Kurokawa. Either way, Taniguchi’s coldness and glare shattered Kurokawa’s feelings. He thought it was all over.

Even in college and later at work, Kurokawa couldn’t make any friends. He never found anyone else to love. Despite being surrounded by people, he remained alone.

As Kurokawa looked at his yearbook, he wondered what Masayuki Taniguchi was like now, eleven years later. His heart fluttered at the thought. He wanted to see his face, to meet him again.

He used correction fluid to erase the "not attending" mark on the reunion form and changed it to "attending." As he dropped it in the mailbox, his fingers trembled. Although the reunion was still three months away, the anticipation of seeing Taniguchi made it hard to wait.

On the day of the reunion, even though he attended, almost no one talked to Kurokawa. A few classmates occasionally spoke to him, but the conversations didn’t last. The resentment he held toward those who had ignored him in the past hadn’t faded over the years, and perhaps that tension unconsciously communicated itself to others.

It wasn’t until the third round of the reunion that Kurokawa finally managed to talk to Taniguchi. At first, he couldn’t say anything and only managed to speak after downing several drinks. They talked a little, and he finally expressed his long-held gratitude for the Iron Walk. He should have stopped there, but he ended up confessing his love at the very end.

As they parted ways, Kurokawa thought, "I’ll probably never see him again." He figured his feelings would just swell up inside him and eventually fade away. He was sure Taniguchi would forget all about him and what happened that night. The thought made him sad. Even if it was only in Taniguchi’s memory, Kurokawa wanted to have a place in his heart. He didn’t care if he was remembered as "that crazy classmate who confessed at the reunion."

It took all the courage he had to throw that little pebble, and he never imagined it would leave such a lasting impact on his life. A week after the reunion, Taniguchi unexpectedly called him.

Kurokawa was shocked when his mother handed him the phone, saying, "It’s someone named Taniguchi." He assumed it was a junior colleague with the same last name from work, but when he answered, it was "Masayuki Taniguchi." His heart nearly jumped out of his chest.

To be honest, he couldn’t remember much of what they talked about. By the end of the call, Kurokawa was left with a piece of paper with Taniguchi’s current address, phone number, and cell number scribbled on it. After hanging up, he pinched his cheek, wondering if it had all been a dream.

The year that followed was a whirlwind, making the previous 29 years seem like a lie. The first thing he did was buy a cell phone. People were surprised he didn’t already have one, but he never needed it before. Not knowing when Taniguchi might call and the possibility of missing the call while he was out bothered him so much that he finally caved and bought one.

The second big change was moving out of his parents’ house and starting to live on his own. This was a huge decision for Kurokawa. As he began meeting Taniguchi more frequently, the physical distance between them became an issue. Although they lived in neighboring prefectures, it took two hours by car from his home to Taniguchi’s apartment in Tokyo. After work, he’d spend four hours driving back and forth, leaving only an hour or two to actually be with Taniguchi. It wasn’t enough for him. Fortunately, Kurokawa’s workplace was closer to Taniguchi’s apartment, so he rented a place in the opposite direction from his parents’ house, cutting his travel time down to about an hour.

One comment from Taniguchi had also pushed him to move out. During a conversation, Taniguchi had casually said, "Why don’t you move out? It’ll change your perspective. Don’t just wait for change—make it happen."

That offhand remark struck a chord. After spending two months convincing his reluctant mother, Kurokawa rented an apartment. As Taniguchi had predicted, life changed. He had to prepare his own meals and do his own laundry. The first time he used his new washing machine, he put in too much detergent, and the machine spewed out bubbles like a crab. Startled, Kurokawa called Taniguchi, asking, "Is this normal for a washing machine?" Taniguchi had laughed so hard he could hardly speak.

Whenever Kurokawa made a big mistake, Taniguchi would say, "Well, Kurokawa, you really are sheltered, aren’t you?" It became a bit of a catchphrase. At first, Kurokawa had been worried he wouldn’t be able to manage living alone, but within six months, he had forgotten all about those concerns.

But the changes weren’t just in his living situation. He began talking a little more with people at work. When he admitted to Taniguchi that he found it difficult to talk to others and didn’t have colleagues he could go out drinking with, Taniguchi had told him, "It doesn’t matter what you talk about. Just start talking to someone—anyone."

Kurokawa tried, but it didn’t go smoothly. So Taniguchi gave him a challenge: "Every day, have three conversations with anyone about anything outside of work."

Because it was a promise to Taniguchi, Kurokawa tried his best. He started with simple comments like, "Nice weather today," or "It’s hot, isn’t it?" or "It’s cold, isn’t it?" For about a month, nothing changed. But in the second month, a girl at the desk next to his noticed the keychain on his car keys and said, "That’s an interesting keychain."

"Is that a snake?" she asked.

"No, it’s Nessie."

"Nessie?" she tilted her head.

"A friend went to Scotland and brought it back as a souvenir."

"Oh... I didn’t realize Loch Ness was in Scotland. I thought it was in England."

"Actually, my friend thought the same thing before going there for work."

The girl leaned in, intrigued. "What does your friend do?"

"He’s a photographer."

The conversation with the girl ended when her boss called her away. It had been a brief exchange, but for Kurokawa, it felt like a major breakthrough. Being able to talk to someone naturally, without feeling anxious, filled him with joy.

Gradually, he started talking more with people at work. He even began getting invitations to join colleagues for drinks. Although talking to others had always been a source of discomfort for him, it was starting to ease.

After the reunion, Kurokawa felt like he had jumped from a slow local train to a jet plane. Under Taniguchi's guidance, his world was rapidly changing. It was dizzying. And in the process, Kurokawa found himself becoming even more infatuated with his former classmate than he had been eleven years ago.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

After they finished their sushi, Taniguchi asked, "What should we do now?" Kurokawa suggested, "How about just driving around?" As Kurokawa drove aimlessly, Taniguchi, tired from the day’s activities, fell asleep in the passenger seat. Kurokawa wasn’t sure what to do but eventually decided to head back to his apartment.

He thought that if he drove close to his apartment, Taniguchi might suggest they have a drink at Kurokawa’s place. If they went up to his apartment and drank together, Kurokawa wouldn’t be able to drive anymore. Since Taniguchi had mentioned that he had the next day off, maybe he would stay over. If that happened, Kurokawa could spend the whole night by his side.

Glancing at the sleeping man beside him, Kurokawa drove slowly. They exchanged messages almost every day and had meals together whenever possible. Yet, they weren’t a couple, and the topic of becoming one had never come up.

When Kurokawa had confessed his feelings to Taniguchi last year, it was about making sure Taniguchi remembered him. He hadn’t thought about what would happen next.

At the time, Kurokawa believed that simply being able to say "I like you" was enough. Even if he couldn’t confess, just seeing Taniguchi, even from afar, would have been satisfying. But then, to his surprise, Taniguchi started calling him frequently, and they began meeting often. It felt like a dream—talking to Taniguchi, eating meals with him. What seemed like a dream became reality, and with that came new thoughts.

How did Taniguchi feel about him? When Kurokawa had confessed, he was drunk, but Taniguchi wasn’t as intoxicated. Taniguchi knew how Kurokawa felt but didn’t show any disgust. Was that because Taniguchi was aware of Kurokawa’s feelings and reciprocated them, or was it something else? Kurokawa couldn’t tell.

At first, just seeing Taniguchi was enough. Then, being able to talk to him became enough. But as they began spending more time together, Kurokawa started wanting more. He wanted Taniguchi to like him not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend. He wanted to kiss him, to hold him.

Yet the thought of expressing these desires terrified him. If he revealed them, their relationship might fall apart. If Taniguchi said, "I don’t want to see you anymore," Kurokawa didn’t know how he would cope. During the week when Taniguchi’s messages had stopped, Kurokawa’s anxiety had spiraled into dark thoughts. He had even felt that if Taniguchi disliked him, there would be no point in living.

He had always watched news stories about crimes of passion as if they were happening to someone else, but now that he was in the midst of such emotions, he felt capable of anything, no matter how extreme. These were feelings he wouldn’t have understood if he had simply admired Taniguchi from afar. Love magnified his loneliness, his longing, and his desires twofold or threefold. It was far more intense than unrequited love. He desperately wanted to know how Taniguchi felt. But the fear of finding out was paralyzing.

As the car exited the city and entered a deserted highway, Kurokawa pulled over to a wide shoulder near a bridge. Taniguchi was still asleep. Kurokawa stared at the man, who looked almost lifeless in his deep sleep, then slumped over the steering wheel, head bowed.

He thought about shifting the gear to drive, slamming on the accelerator, and driving off the bridge. The bridge was high—probably twenty meters. If they fell, they would likely die. Then he wouldn’t have to keep torturing himself over whether Taniguchi loved him or not.

The gear shift was within reach, and his foot was ready to press down on the accelerator. But he didn’t have the courage to do it.

"Hey, Kurokawa."

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he heard Taniguchi’s voice. Kurokawa raised his head, and Taniguchi, looking concerned, peered at his face from the passenger seat.

"You don’t look so good. Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah…"

Kurokawa couldn’t admit that he had been thinking of killing them both. His lips trembled.

"Alright, just checking. It’s already this late? I must have been really out of it," Taniguchi said, noticing it was past eleven. He glanced around, trying to get his bearings.

"It’s so dark. Where are we?"

"On the way back to Kinejo," Kurokawa replied.

"Kinejo, huh…" Taniguchi murmured. He didn’t ask why they were back in Kurokawa’s hometown or why the car was stopped in such a place.

They sat in silence. Although Kurokawa had become more accustomed to talking with others, he now felt like he was back in high school, unsure of what to say. Snowflakes fell softly outside. The car’s heater hummed. As he stared out into the night, Kurokawa noticed two cars turning left before the bridge onto a narrow, unlit road. He squinted, trying to see where they were headed. In the distance, he could make out a faint orange glow.

"Is that a love hotel over there?" Taniguchi wondered aloud.

"A hotel…?"

"Yeah, love hotels are usually near rivers."

Kurokawa simply responded with an indifferent "Hmm," not fully understanding.

"Have you ever been to a love hotel?" Taniguchi asked suddenly. Kurokawa’s hands trembled on the steering wheel. He had dated a girl in high school but had broken up with her before they even kissed. The only kiss he had experienced was the one he had stolen from Taniguchi on graduation day. But he felt like Taniguchi would laugh at him if he admitted he had never been to a love hotel.

"Yeah… I have," he lied.

Taniguchi looked at him skeptically and then bluntly said, "You’re lying."

"How did you know?" Kurokawa asked, panicked. Taniguchi just laughed, louder and louder, refusing to answer. After he had his fill of laughter, wiping tears from his eyes, Taniguchi asked, "Want to go as part of your ‘social education’?"

◇:-:◆:-:◇

When they drove along the river, they found that it really was a love hotel. Kurokawa parked the car, and they took a flight of stairs that led directly to a room, allowing them to avoid being seen by anyone else. Once inside, Kurokawa stood frozen in the middle of the room, unable to move.

The dim lighting revealed a room, with a bed on the right and an indigo-colored sofa on the left. Between them, nestled against the wall, was a large TV, accompanied by what appeared to be a Famicom and a karaoke microphone. Kurokawa had expected something more garish from a love hotel, but it was much more subdued, almost like a business hotel.

Taniguchi sat down on the sofa and pulled a beer out of the small refrigerator beside him. "Don't just stand there, sit down," he said. Kurokawa awkwardly sat next to him. When Taniguchi offered him a beer, Kurokawa declined, saying, "If I drink, I won’t be able to drive." Taniguchi replied, "We might as well stay over then," and after drinking a bit, the warmth helped Kurokawa finally relax.

"So, what's your first impression of a love hotel?" Taniguchi asked, holding his beer.

"There’s only one bed," Kurokawa replied.

Taniguchi shook with laughter, making a strange face as if he was trying to hold it in. "I've never seen a love hotel with twin beds. Anything else?"

"Well... it’s pretty ordinary."

"Yeah, this is pretty standard. What were you expecting?"

"A spinning bed, or maybe a disco ball..."

Taniguchi burst out laughing, slapping the sofa. Everything Kurokawa said seemed to amuse him, making Kurokawa feel sad and embarrassed, almost on the verge of tears.

"What era are you living in? You might still find places like that if you look hard enough..."

Finally, a tear slipped down Kurokawa’s cheek. Taniguchi noticed and quickly apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Your reactions are just so funny; I couldn’t help teasing you. I really am sorry."

He patted Kurokawa's head like one would comfort a child. Somehow, that simple gesture made the sadness fade away.

Taniguchi turned on the TV, but there wasn’t anything interesting on at that hour. "Let's take a bath and then go to bed," he suggested, disappearing into the bathroom. The sound of water filling the tub could be heard. The thought of Taniguchi, the person he loved, being naked just a few meters away made Kurokawa’s body heat up. The urge to see him welled up inside, but Kurokawa knew it would make him seem perverted. Still, he wanted to see.

He made his way toward the bathroom under the pretense of using the toilet. He stood there, hand on the doorknob, staring at the frosted glass door leading to the bathroom. Suddenly, the door swung open, and Kurokawa nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Oh, you're here. Perfect timing," Taniguchi said, still fully clothed, grabbing Kurokawa’s hand and pulling him into the bathroom. "The tub is big enough for both of us."

Before Kurokawa could process what was happening, he was dragged into the changing area. Taniguchi started stripping right in front of him, and Kurokawa, still in shock, hesitated as Taniguchi urged him to undress as well. He had wanted to see Taniguchi naked, and now was his chance, but he was too flustered to enjoy the moment. He fumbled with his clothes, feeling vulnerable as he finally stripped and followed Taniguchi into the bathroom.

"Sit here," Taniguchi directed, pointing to the edge of the tub. Kurokawa obediently sat down. Taniguchi told him to lean forward, and before he knew it, Kurokawa’s head was doused with water. He felt a cold liquid trickling down, followed by the sensation of his hair being scrubbed. White, creamy bubbles began to drip onto his feet and even onto Taniguchi’s.

"I've always wanted to try washing someone else’s hair," Taniguchi explained.

Kurokawa had barely processed being brought into the bathroom naked before Taniguchi started washing his hair. His mind was a jumble, as chaotic as the foamy suds in his hair.

"Doesn’t it feel like you’re at a salon?" Taniguchi asked.

"Uh, yeah..." Kurokawa replied, though he had never been to a salon, only a barber shop. But he figured that stylish people probably went to salons.

"You’ve got pretty fine hair. It’s softer than it looks," Taniguchi remarked.

After the somewhat rough washing, Taniguchi rinsed Kurokawa’s hair three times, even conditioning it. When he was done, he stood Kurokawa up and took his place on the edge of the tub, grinning as he said, "Now, wash my hair."

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The tub was spacious, large enough for two grown men with room to spare. Still, it was a bit tight for them to sit at opposite ends with their legs stretched out, so Kurokawa sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, almost like a student. Taniguchi had added bath salts, turning the water a milky white.

"A big bath like this feels great, doesn’t it?" Taniguchi said, sounding pleased as he placed a towel on his head.

"Ever since the shoot, I’ve been looking forward to soaking in a big bath when I got home. By the way, have you ever been to a public bath?"

"I’ve been to hot springs..." Kurokawa replied.

"Hot springs are similar, but there’s something special about public baths. They have a way of making life feel simpler. I’ll take you sometime."

"Sure," Kurokawa responded, though he felt uneasy about the idea of being naked with Taniguchi. At that moment, it was fine because he was too focused on the bath and the fact that they were both in the water. When Taniguchi had been washing his hair, Kurokawa had only been looking at Taniguchi’s legs, and when he washed Taniguchi’s hair in return, he had been too concerned with doing a good job to think about their nudity. Now that they were in the bath, the water was milky white, so only their heads and shoulders were visible.

But if he knew in advance that they were going to a public bath, Kurokawa would probably be too excited by the prospect of seeing Taniguchi nude. The anticipation alone might cause him to become aroused, and the thought of that happening in a public bath, where there wouldn’t be any bath salts to obscure the view, made him dizzy with embarrassment.

Even now, watching the water droplets slide down Taniguchi’s wet hair and jawline, seeing the contented look on his face made Kurokawa feel a warm flush in his lower body. He averted his gaze, trying not to stare.

He hated how a man's desire was so blatantly focused on one part of the body, so raw and unfiltered.

Suddenly, Taniguchi splashed water in his face. Reflexively, Kurokawa looked up to see Taniguchi, who had been smiling a moment ago, now frowning slightly.

"If you don’t want to do something, just say so," Taniguchi said.

It took Kurokawa a moment to realize he was talking about the public bath.

"I don’t mind," Kurokawa replied.

Taniguchi splashed him again. "You always just go along with whatever I say. You never tell me if you don’t want to do something. I’d rather you outright refuse than just say ‘okay’ with that unhappy look on your face. It’s okay to say no. Just tell me what you’re really thinking. Otherwise, I can’t tell if I’m dragging you into something you don’t want to do."

Kurokawa didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t meet Taniguchi’s gaze and looked down instead.

"Why can’t you just say what you really feel?" Taniguchi asked.

His chest tightened, and a ringing filled his ears. Tears began to fall from his eyes, but unlike when he had been teased and cried before, Taniguchi didn’t offer any comfort.

"You should speak up more. Say what you like or don’t like. We're all different, and that's normal."

Tears kept falling into the milky-white water.

"You're not a child, so don't think you can make me understand by crying. Talk to me properly."

His lips trembled. But if he didn’t say something, he felt like Taniguchi would get mad again.

"I... I don’t want you to hate me."

Kurokawa whispered so quietly it was almost inaudible, and more tears spilled from his eyes. There was a splash, and he felt Taniguchi move closer. With his wet thumb, Taniguchi firmly pressed against the corners of Kurokawa's eyes.

"If you’re honest with me, I won't hate you."

◇:-:◆:-:◇

After crying my heart out in the bathtub, I felt oddly cleansed, like something heavy had been lifted off my shoulders. Taniguchi got out of the bathroom first, and after a short while, I followed. In the changing area, Taniguchi leaned against the wall in a bathrobe. Feeling his gaze on me, I turned my back to him, embarrassed, and slipped into my bathrobe. I tied the waist cord into a tight bow and turned around, only to have my wrist grabbed suddenly.

"Sit here," he said.

He guided me to a steel chair in front of the sink, seating me down. I wondered what he was going to do, but then Taniguchi picked up the hairdryer and began to dry my damp hair.

He seemed to enjoy both washing and drying my hair, humming a little tune as he ruffled my hair with his fingers. As he moved about, his bathrobe loosened slightly, revealing a small glimpse of his nipple. I quickly lowered my gaze, but the urge to look back was too strong to resist.

The hairdryer stopped. Taniguchi brought his face close to my hair, cupping both my ears with his hands.

"Mmm, smells nice," he murmured.

The warmth of his body, the sight of his pale nipples, the enticing scent of his neck—I couldn’t take it anymore. I suddenly lunged forward and wrapped my arms around him.

"Hey, whoa!"

Even as Taniguchi tried to pull back in surprise, I clung to him tightly. He lost his balance and sank to the floor, pulling me down with him. I buried my face in his chest.

"Calm down, Kurokawa... Okay?"

I had clung to him, but now I didn’t know what to do next. I was frozen in place, unsure of my actions, until Taniguchi sighed and muttered, "Let’s move to the bed."

◇:-:◆:-:◇

For the first time, I had sex with the person I loved. Both of us were naked, our bathrobes crumpled together on the floor. His skin was so warm, so close I could reach out and touch him, but it didn’t feel real. I kept wondering if it was just a dream I had conjured up, especially since only hours earlier, I had been contemplating a murder-suicide in the car.

When I kissed him in bed, he said I was bad at it. He told me to follow his lead, and when I mimicked the way he moved his tongue, I felt more aroused than I ever had during masturbation. I knew the term "deep kiss," but I hadn’t realized that the inside of my mouth could be an erogenous zone.

It all felt like a dream, but I knew I had really had sex with him. I kissed his hair as he slept. Looking back, the overwhelming emotion I felt wasn’t pleasure or embarrassment—it was pure happiness. I was just so, so happy.

"Mmm..."

Taniguchi stirred and slowly woke up.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"It’s nine in the morning," I replied, hugging him tightly from behind.

He let out a shallow breath and mumbled, "My back hurts..."

"We should have taken a better look at the actual thing before going for it," he added with a grumble.

His complaint made me feel a pang of sadness.

"But we made it work, didn’t we?"

"We only did because I made it work. It’s not just about getting it in. I need to feel good too; it’s not fair if you’re the only one who enjoys it."

What he said made sense. I apologized, "I’m sorry." He didn’t say anything more after that. He just yawned widely and blinked sleepily a couple of times.

"It’s so quiet," he remarked.

"Yeah," I agreed.

" I’m feeling suffocated, so loosen your arms a bit."

I felt a sudden wave of loneliness but still did as he asked, easing my hold. As I released him, his fingers lightly tapped my wrist, almost as if he was telling me that it wasn’t because he disliked me.

Out of nowhere, the thought crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, he loved me too. I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if he loved me. We had sex; that made me happy. But I still didn’t know if he actually cared about me.

"Hey... um..." I began hesitantly.

With his eyes still closed, Taniguchi replied, "What is it?"

"What's there to like about me?" I asked.

Taniguchi glanced at me from the corner of his eye but didn’t say anything. I kept staring at him, waiting for an answer, until he finally said, "Stop staring at me like that."

"Why did you fall for me?" I asked again. This time, I noticed his ears turning slightly red.

"Who knows," he muttered.

When I kept pressing him for an answer, he finally turned toward me, irritated, and pushed me away lightly “Ugh, fine.”

"Maybe because... you can’t do anything on your own," he said softly, sitting up slightly. "You don’t know anything... it made me feel like I had to take care of you."

"Even sex...?" I asked.

Suddenly, Taniguchi leaned over me, his face close. Before I could process what was happening, he kissed me. The kiss was rough, almost forceful, yet tender in its own way.

After the kiss, Taniguchi looked frustrated and muttered, "I wanted to do it too, okay? Is that so bad?"

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW.

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