Secret: Chapter 1 - Part 5

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

That day, until the owner of the apartment returned, Keita lay on the hardwood floor, shirtless and wearing only shorts. During the day, he read a book, and in the evening, he began to write a novel. He decided to write about his relationship with Yanagisawa, thinking that if it wasn’t going to do him any good, at least it might be useful as material for his writing. However, as soon as he put reality into words, it became immediately trite. Frustrated, he closed the binder. His unfinished novels kept piling up, like cars that wouldn't start, revving their engines but never moving forward.

He heard the sound of the front door unlocking. Then, voices. Keita quickly jumped up and pulled on Sugiura's crumpled T-shirt, which had been left on the mattress.

"I'm home," Sugiura greeted him with his usual smile. But behind him was another presence—Enomoto.

"Sorry to intrude," Enomoto said with a friendly smile, but Keita’s whole body tensed with caution. It had been half a month since they last saw each other, when Enomoto had sarcastically commented on his relationship with Sugiura at the apartment. Without hesitation, Enomoto entered the room as if he were familiar with the place and dropped a plastic bag onto the table.

"It's been a while. Here, this is for you."

Inside the plastic bag was a set of beers and snacks. Sugiura called Keita over, and reluctantly, he approached the table. Enomoto immediately opened a can of beer and, in no time, drank it all down.

"Ah, summer beer is the best. It really hits the spot."

Sugiura, ever so relaxed, responded, "Takanori, you really do like beer," while Keita also opened a beer and took a sip, though he couldn't fully enjoy it with Enomoto sitting across from him.

Enomoto pulled out a piece of paper from his bag. When unfolded, it was about B4 size.

"I mentioned this on the phone, but on the day of the event, we'll have about forty people, even with guests coming and going. We’ll need about thirty portions of food, maybe less since most people will eat outside, and they’re mostly drinkers who won’t eat much. We’ll need five or six hearty dishes, mostly appetizers."

Enomoto took notes on the large sheet of paper in unusually large handwriting. Sugiura watched intently.

"If it’s all pasta, everyone might get tired of it."

"It's fine to focus on pasta. Your cooking has a good reputation."

Sugiura smiled happily.

"I’ll prepare the desserts the day before. Can I borrow Satonaka-san’s oven again this time?"

"The arrangement’s already made. It’s all good."

Sugiura nodded and took the memo. When he noticed Keita watching, he quickly folded the large paper into a smaller size. It made Keita feel annoyed, wondering if it was something he wasn’t supposed to see.

"I’ll contact you again as the date gets closer. We have to consider the budget too."

Even though Keita overheard, he couldn’t make sense of what they were discussing. From bits of conversation, he could only gather that Sugiura would be cooking.

The day after Sugiura and Keita had first slept together, Enomoto had coldly dismissed Keita. That incident drastically changed Keita’s impression of him. Outwardly, he seemed nice, but deep down, he was unpleasant. Just go home already… Keita thought as he watched Enomoto’s profile, when suddenly their eyes met.

"Next week, we’re having a singles party at my restaurant. We always ask Mitsuru to handle the cooking, but if you have time, you should come too."

It surprised Keita to be invited to the party, especially since Enomoto didn’t seem to like him. When he glanced at Sugiura, Sugiura squeezed his right hand and said, "Come, Keita. I’ll make all kinds of delicious food. Even if it’s just for the food, come eat."

Keita had a feeling that if he said he didn’t want to go, Sugiura would cry and ask, "Why not?" or "Don’t you want to eat my cooking?" So, he reluctantly agreed, saying, "…I’ll go."

Even though the party planning seemed to be over, Enomoto showed no signs of leaving. On top of that, he and Sugiura talked about people Keita didn’t know, leaving him feeling out of place. He moved away from them and opened a book, pretending to read, but the sense of alienation made it hard to concentrate. He grew increasingly irritated.

"Oh, we’re out of beer," Enomoto muttered, and Keita glanced up.

"Mitsuru, sorry, but can you go buy some more?"

"Sure."

Even though Keita silently thought that Enomoto should buy his own beer, Sugiura immediately stood up.

"Oh, wait," Enomoto said, taking out a marker from his bag and writing "beer" in hiragana on Sugiura’s palm, almost like an act of mischief.

"It’s water-based, so it’ll wash off when you get back. Just don’t rub it off on the way."

"Got it."

"I’ll go too," Keita said, standing up. He didn’t want to be left alone in the room with someone he disliked. But Enomoto shrugged and said, "Hey, don’t leave a guest by himself."

"I’ll be right back," Sugiura said to Keita and then left. Left with no choice, Keita stayed in the room and opened his unread paperback, hoping to avoid conversation.

"You’ve been staying at Mitsuru’s place since you left mine, right?"

Despite Keita’s unspoken request to be left alone, Enomoto pressed on.

"Yes."

"University students sure have a lot of free time."

If someone else had said it, Keita might have taken it differently. But coming from someone he disliked, it sounded like nothing but sarcasm.

"I heard you’re writing a novel?"

Keita was startled. How did this man know that?

"Mitsuru told me. He said he’s curious about what kind of story it is. Once it’s finished, why don’t you let him read it? But if it has an unhappy ending, he might cry, and that’d be annoying."

Enomoto laughed. Reading your own work aloud? That’s the ultimate embarrassment. No way.

"Novels aren’t meant to be read aloud," Keita retorted. Enomoto immediately frowned.

"There’s no need to say it like that."

The edge in Enomoto’s voice revealed his irritation. After a brief silence, Enomoto asked, "Didn’t you know?"

Keita didn’t understand what Enomoto meant by "didn’t you know?" There was no context.

"Know what?"

"Mitsuru can’t read what you write."

"If he wants to read it, he can do so on his own. I’m not hiding it. I’ve left my notebook lying around…"

As he spoke, Keita realized something. Sugiura probably wouldn’t read his notebook. He wasn’t the kind of person who would sneak a peek at something he was told not to look at. But so what? Keita internally argued with himself. This is my world. Novels are personal. Whether I let someone read them or not is up to me as the writer.

"I don’t have any illusions about love," Enomoto suddenly declared.

"I don’t mean to say it’s stupid, but I don’t think it’s something that dictates your life… But Mitsuru is different, isn’t he?"

Enomoto let out a small sigh.

"Mitsuru wants to know more about you, he keeps saying he wants to know you better. I’m not sure how I feel about how bluntly he expresses his emotions, but I guess that’s what love means to him."

Enomoto scratched the back of his head.

"There’s a difference in how people approach these things, so it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t try to understand Mitsuru. But watching from the sidelines is frustrating."

His words struck Keita. Just because he didn’t want to know more about Sugiura didn’t mean he didn’t care. Keita wanted to deny that. He liked Sugiura. The sex was good. So, was this love? Suddenly, he didn’t know. If he didn’t know, why was he here? His thoughts scattered, and he couldn’t gather them back together. Keita looked around. Where was this? Sugiura’s room. Why was he here? Because he couldn’t go back to his apartment. Why couldn’t he go back? The reason… A chill ran down his spine as he recalled the smiling face of the man he had killed.

"I'm back," Sugiura’s voice called out.

"They didn’t have the beer you like, Takanori."

Enomoto stood up and patted Sugiura on the shoulder as he entered the room.

"I’m heading home. I sobered up while I waited."

"So you don’t need the beer anymore?"

"Sorry about that. You can have it. Keep the change as a tip."

After scattering his words without waiting for a response, Enomoto left. Sugiura tilted his head slightly and, with a puzzled expression, came over to Keita.

“Do you want a new beer?”

Keita shook his head.

“Then how about some snacks?”

When Keita declined that too, Sugiura started cleaning up the cluttered table. Without helping, Keita slipped under the sheets. After a while, the room grew quiet. The lights were turned off, and the sheets were pulled back. The familiar warmth of Sugiura’s body slid in beside him. As usual, Sugiura embraced him from behind, but Keita's body tensed. He roughly pushed away the arms wrapped around him.

“What’s wrong?”

Keita ignored the sad tone in Sugiura’s voice, pretending not to hear.

“Am I not allowed to touch you?”

“I don’t want to tonight.”

Keita couldn’t manage the frustration swirling in his chest.

“Do you hate me now?”

He didn’t respond.

“If you dislike me, tell me what’s wrong. I’ll change.”

It felt like Sugiura would keep talking to him endlessly from behind, so Keita got out of bed, grabbed a towel blanket, and moved over to the window.

“I want to be alone, so don’t talk to me.”

He curled up defensively. Even with his eyes closed, Enomoto’s attitude and words kept circling in his head, and his irritation only grew stronger. After a while, Sugiura suddenly pulled the towel blanket away. Before Keita could resist, he was dragged back onto the mattress.

“Stop, I don’t want this.”

Even as he struggled, Sugiura’s grip didn’t loosen. Keita didn’t want to be touched, but the close proximity of Sugiura’s scent made his resolve weaken. He resisted the kiss, but Sugiura forced it on him, his tongue intruding despite Keita clenching his teeth. Sugiura then stroked the sensitive area under Keita’s arm, and in that brief moment of vulnerability, he slipped in. As Sugiura’s tongue traced the inside of his teeth, Keita couldn’t help but feel it, against his will. Frustrated, tears spilled from his eyes. Suddenly, Sugiura stopped the kiss. Wiping his wet lips with the back of his hand, Keita looked up and met Sugiura’s teary gaze.

“Do you hate me now?”

Sugiura asked, staring intently into his eyes.

“Do you hate me for doing something you didn’t like?”

When Keita looked away, Sugiura shook him firmly, saying, “Answer me.”

“If I did something to upset you, I’m sorry. So please don’t be cold to me. Don’t ignore me. Don’t hate me. If you hate me, I won’t know what to do.”

Watching Sugiura cry made Keita feel a sense of superiority. This man really did care for him. Just a little coldness was enough to make him cry.

“I haven’t come to hate you, Sugiura.”

Keita rubbed his cheek against Sugiura’s tear-stained one.

“Something just upset me. I’m sorry.”

Since Sugiura seemed to want to kiss him, Keita let him. Eventually, the tears subsided. It was like dealing with a child—kindness restored his mood, and coldness made him cry.

“...Shall we talk?”

Sugiura tilted his head and asked, “Talk about what?”

“Tell me something about yourself. I only know that you work part-time at a restaurant.”

Sugiura’s eyes, which had been watching Keita intently, dropped as if troubled.

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Why not?”

“I feel like you might hate me if I do.”

“Have you done such bad things?”

Keita joked, and Sugiura, becoming defensive, quickly denied it with, “No, that’s not it.” But then he added, “Maybe,” in a weaker tone.

“I’ve been nothing but trouble for everyone.”

Sugiura gently stroked Keita’s cheek with his fingertips and asked, “Do you really want to hear about me?” Keita nodded slowly. When Sugiura asked what he wanted to know, Keita thought for a moment before murmuring, “Maybe about your family…”

“My father is a lawyer, and my mother… she changes Italian into Japanese…”

“You mean she’s a translator?”

“Oh, right, that’s the word.”

“You were so roundabout, I wasn’t sure what you meant.”

For some reason, Sugiura smiled with a vague expression.

“I have a younger sister and brother. My sister graduated from university and got married, I think. My brother went to study at a university in America—Takanori told me that.”

Sugiura’s high-achieving family didn’t seem to match up with the fact that he hadn’t gone to high school. Keita couldn’t imagine it. The idea that Sugiura didn’t continue his education because of financial issues seemed unlikely.

“Why didn’t you go to high school, Sugiura?”

Suddenly, Sugiura’s expression tightened.

“How did you know that?”

Seeing the near-tears in Sugiura’s eyes, Keita regretted asking.

“Enomoto told me. He said there were circumstances that kept you from going.”

Sugiura clung to Keita, more like he was seeking comfort than embracing him.

“I… I hated studying. That’s why the teachers and my father scolded me a lot. But I knew I couldn’t keep going like that, so I studied hard for the entrance exams. I stayed up all night studying, but I still failed. My father hit me. His face was bright red as he cried and told me I was a disgrace.”

Sugiura’s body trembled slightly.

“I was the shame of the family… a disgrace. I thought about killing myself, but my grandmother told me not to. My father was scary, but my grandmother was kind to me. She always said that health was the most important thing. But then my grandmother died, and I had a fight with my father. I ran away from home, thinking I would die, but I was too scared to do it. I was so afraid, so I called Takanori. And he told me to come to him.”

When Keita gently embraced Sugiura’s trembling body, Sugiura flinched.

“I’m working properly now. It was tough at first, but I’m working… I rented a place to live, I eat, and I survive. This is my place. But I still don’t like myself.”

Tearful eyes looked down at Keita.

“I want to live for someone else. I want to live for someone I love. If I can live for someone I love, then my life will have meaning.”

Sugiura softly stroked Keita’s cheek.

“I want to belong to you, Keita. I want to live for you. I want to believe that I’ve lived until now just to meet you.”

Faced with Sugiura’s earnest but awkward words, Keita found himself at a loss for words.

“Like a happy ending in a movie, I want to love you forever, Keita.”

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Two days after Enomoto's visit, Sugiura returned to the apartment earlier than usual, just before 8:00. Holding two large ice creams, he said, “Come on, come on,” and led Keita, who had been watching TV, out to the balcony. In the distance, they could see fireworks. They were about the size of a circle you could make with your hands, and the sound echoed with a delayed boom.

The two of them sat on the balcony, eating ice cream and gazing absentmindedly at the fireworks. After the fireworks ended, Sugiura looked a bit lonely and said, “Let’s go see them up close next year.”

After taking a quick shower, Keita, dressed in a T-shirt and shorts, claimed the spot in front of the fan. Sugiura soon joined him. Sitting side by side, it felt a little warm. Sugiura’s room didn’t have air conditioning. The windows were always left open, and the fan ran 24 hours a day. At first, Keita couldn’t imagine living in such a place, but people get used to things. Eventually, he found himself living there too.

“Hey,” Sugiura said, peering up at Keita’s face from below. 

“Why don’t you go back to your own place?”

Keita couldn’t answer.

“Do you live with your family?”

“No.”

“You’re not fighting with your family like I am, are you?”

“If I’m bothering you, just say so, and I’ll leave.”

Keita slammed his hand on the floor, causing Sugiura to panic and grip his right hand tightly.

“I’ve never thought of you as a bother. I’m happy. Really happy, but I was just curious. It’s like my wish for you to stay with me came true, like it was answered by a god.”

It wasn’t that Sugiura’s wish was answered by a god. Keita just didn’t want to go back to the apartment with the freezer containing a corpse. Oh, but he had almost forgotten about it. Despite having killed someone. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t had dreams about Yanagisawa lately. His guilt was fading as if nothing had happened. Humans are fickle and adaptable creatures.

“Because I’m lonely.”

“What?” Sugiura blinked in surprise.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

It wasn’t the real reason, but it wasn’t a lie either. A cool hand touched his cheek.

“Does being with me make you feel a little less lonely?”

Keita closed his eyes and nodded shallowly.

“Am I helping you? Do I help take away some of the loneliness? Is there anything else I can do for you? Something I can do for you, Keita?”

Sugiura furrowed his brow in frustration as his tongue struggled to form the words, and he covered his mouth with his hand.

“Sorry, my tongue isn’t working right.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize.”

Like a child seeking comfort, Sugiura kissed Keita’s neck.

“I’m glad you’re so kind, Keita. I’m happy you’re here with me. But I’m also scared because I’m too happy.”

Sugiura looked directly into Keita’s eyes.

“The first person I ever loved was Takanori,” he said, the words slipping out unexpectedly.

Keita’s breath caught.

“I loved Takanori. We even had sex, but although he was kind to me, he never loved me. So when I started to make a living with my part-time job, I moved out of his apartment.”

Sugiura muttered that he had lived as a freeloader in Takanori’s apartment for the first two years after leaving home.

“I wanted to find my own destined person. I fell for someone else after Takanori, but it didn’t last. Whenever I expressed my true feelings, I was always told I was ‘too much.’”

Sugiura sighed.

“Takanori told me I should enjoy love more casually. But I always want to be with the person I love.”

So… Sugiura continued.

“I’m happy you’re here, Keita. Knowing there’s someone waiting for me at home makes work and life enjoyable. But sometimes I get scared, thinking you might suddenly disappear.”

Sugiura squeezed Keita’s hands tightly.

“I love you, Keita.”

The words tickled his ears. To be honest, Keita was curious about Sugiura’s past. But what mattered was that now, Sugiura was saying he loved him.

“I love you so much. I fall in love with you every day. Every hour. Someday…”

Sugiura embraced him and whispered in his ear.

“Someday, I want you to say you’re with me not because you’re lonely, but because you love me.”

The kiss was so sweet and tender that it was almost painful. The embrace grew more intense, the kisses deepening, gradually laced with the scent of desire.

On the bed, Keita was spread wide open as they had sex. He moaned as Sugiura thrust into him, and when he came, he briefly lost consciousness in the throes of orgasm. When he came to, his knees were still trembling from the aftershocks of pleasure. Despite having just climaxed, he found himself wanting more. He hoped that what was inside him would soon grow hard and big again, guiding him back to that peak of ecstasy.

Consumed by the overwhelming love expressed through their lovemaking, Keita didn’t think too deeply about what place this man held in his life.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Days blurred together, and Keita lost track of the days of the week. With the scorching heat during the day, it still felt like summer. Weekdays and weekends didn’t matter; it was all the same—sex, sleep, waking up, and eating, repeating the same routine over and over.

Sugiura was an incredibly tough guy. Even after coming home exhausted from his part-time job, he would spend the entire night relentlessly pleasuring Keita. Despite barely getting any sleep, he was always up the next morning, full of energy and ready for work.

His hands never stopped caressing. Their pressed-together skin radiated heat, and when they embraced, sweat flowed from where their bodies touched. Like a monkey, Keita came three times while Sugiura was still inside him. Just when he thought Sugiura was finally done, his limp body was pulled back into that thick chest again. The sound of kisses rained down, rivaling the sound of the midnight rain.

The sound of the rain intensified, and the wind picked up, causing the window frames to rattle. A typhoon was approaching. Sugiura had mentioned that it was fortunate the typhoon was expected to pass during the night, as Enomoto’s restaurant was hosting a party the next day.

“It’s so hot,” Keita complained as Sugiura licked his neck.

“It’s so hot, I feel like I’m going to die.”

Sugiura moved away, getting off the mattress. Maybe he was going to take a shower. Keita had been the one to complain about the heat, yet he felt lonely being left alone. He turned his back to Sugiura, facing the wall. Even when Sugiura called out to him, he didn’t respond. Then, Sugiura grabbed his waist and dragged him to the edge of the mattress, lifting him into his arms. Holding Keita horizontally, Sugiura moved toward the window, unlocking it and stepping out onto the balcony into the stormy rain and wind.

“Whoa, it’s cold!”

Keita struggled, and Sugiura let him go as if unable to hold on any longer. When Keita tried to go back inside, Sugiura grabbed him from behind, preventing him from moving. Despite the railing reaching their waists, they were half-naked, embracing in a position visible from the outside.

“We’re not wearing any clothes! What if someone sees us?” Keita complained bitterly, but Sugiura ignored him and kissed him.

“No one’s walking around in this storm, and even if they are, they’re not looking up.”

Sugiura’s words were likely true. The wind was so strong it bent the street trees, and the rain pounded down so hard that no one would be out walking in such a storm. The wind roared, and the raindrops hit Keita’s cheeks like intermittent slaps. It was the same place as always, but being out in the storm made everything feel more intense, even scary. As the wind whipped his hair, Keita felt both anxious and excited, as if he were waiting for something to break or go completely out of control.

Keita leaned against the balcony railing, looking out into the storm when he felt heat behind him. Sugiura’s hands slid under his arms, pinching his wet nipples. Even if no one was watching, Sugiura’s bold and shameless touch made Keita uneasy.

“Stop it, I don’t like this!” Keita twisted his body, but Sugiura pinned him down from behind, making escape impossible. Something hot and hard pressed against Keita’s back, teasingly obvious.

“No, don’t put it in!”

Despite his protest, Sugiura held his waist. Keita clung to the railing, afraid he might fall over.

After being teased so much, his body had already softened, and Sugiura’s entry was easy.

“Ah… ah… ah…”

Sugiura thrust deep, starting a steady rhythm. The rain and wind became even harsher, making Keita feel dizzy. With every thrust, his own erection rubbed against the hard, wet surface of the railing. The rough concrete felt oddly good, making his arms and knees go weak. Even when he slumped down near the base of the railing, Sugiura didn’t relent. Pressed against Keita, who was curled up on the concrete, Sugiura continued to move his hips.

Sugiura then turned Keita onto his back on the cold concrete, exposing him to the rain as he gave him a blowjob. He entered him again in the missionary position. Even though they were outside on the balcony, the unusual setting only heightened Keita’s excitement, making him even more aroused despite his protests. Without using a condom, Sugiura came inside Keita twice. After pulling out, Sugiura lifted Keita, who was completely spent, onto his lap. Keita’s fingers were ice-cold, but the warmth from where their bodies touched, along with the remnants of their encounter, lingered on his thighs.

“I’m cold,” Keita said, clinging to Sugiura’s equally chilled body, trembling uncontrollably. Sugiura carried the limp Keita back inside, finally returning to the room. He headed straight for the bathroom. After adjusting the water temperature, they both squeezed into the narrow bathtub together.

Keita sat facing Sugiura, straddling his lap with his knees bent. Sugiura’s wet hair was tousled as he stroked it and pulled Keita closer. They clung to each other tightly under the warm shower, kissing continuously as if their lives depended on it.

“I hated that,” Keita said, his voice echoing softly, almost sickeningly sweet even to his own ears.

“Sorry,” Sugiura replied, their conversation punctuated by kisses.

“It felt good, but I hated it,” Keita admitted honestly. Sugiura’s wet hand gently stroked Keita’s equally wet cheek.

“I don’t know why, but when you said you were hot, I just had this urge to go outside,” Sugiura said. “Can you understand that?”

Sugiura continued, “I still feel like I’m out in that storm.”

Their kisses continued, like the lingering remnants of that wild feeling. They didn’t notice the water spilling over from the small bathtub for a while.

◇:*:◆:*:◇

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW, dub-con, su*cide mention.

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