Utsukushii Koto: Volume 3 - Part 4

Previous TOC Next

After the incident with the neighbor, Hiromatsu started spending most of his time at Matsuoka's apartment. Since Hiromatsu didn't own much, he left from Matsuoka's place in the morning and returned there afterward, almost as if they were living together.

Cooking, which Matsuoka had initially started to save on food costs, became something he actually started to enjoy. Cooking for two, instead of just for himself, gave him a sense of purpose. Whenever Matsuoka cooked, Hiromatsu would take care of the cleaning afterward. When he had time after returning from his part-time job, he also did the laundry and cleaned the apartment. They naturally fell into these roles without having to discuss them.

As Matsuoka stroked the man who clung to him in his sleep, he thought how fortunate it was that Hiromatsu was a bit clumsy and unrefined. If he were more refined and attentive to his appearance, he probably wouldn't have stayed single until this age.

The issue with the neighbor became a convenient excuse for Hiromatsu to stay over more often. Although it was still too early, Matsuoka felt that in a little while, he might naturally be able to suggest, "Since you haven't been going back to your apartment and the rent is a waste, why don't you just move in with me?"

It was now mid-November, and Matsuoka was swamped with urgent work. It was only a little after 12:30 when he finally managed to leave the office for lunch. He ran into Shinozaki in the first-floor entrance. Since Shinozaki was also heading out for lunch, they went together to a nearby diner that specialized in rice bowl dishes. Matsuoka ordered a tuna bowl, and Shinozaki went for a pork cutlet bowl.

"By the way, boss, how are things going with your long-distance girlfriend?" Shinozaki asked quietly, sipping on his water.

"We're not long-distance anymore. They moved here."

“…I thought so,” Shinozaki nodded.

“What do you mean?”

“She probably got worried about the long-distance thing. You're a good guy, boss, so she probably came over to keep any bad influences away.”

“Well, I guess that’s one way to look at it,” Matsuoka said, laughing.

“I’m sure that’s it,” Shinozaki insisted. “You're in trouble now. What will you do if she tells you to take responsibility?”

“I’ll be happy to,” Matsuoka replied with a smile.

Shinozaki sighed dramatically, “Oh no, that’s bad.”

“Hey, don’t jinx it.”

“Oh, sorry. It’s not about you and your girlfriend, boss. I was just thinking that the girls who are into you now probably don't stand a chance. I kind of figured this would happen when I heard you were cooking for her.”

A thought of Uemura crossed Matsuoka’s mind. He suspected she might be the “fan” Shinozaki was referring to. He had sensed that she liked him, but he had continued to play dumb. As long as she didn’t bring it up, he didn’t feel the need to address it.

“So, since she moved here, are you two living together?”

“No, they got their own place, so it's not exactly living together, but they’re over at my place a lot, so it’s pretty close.”

“Have you noticed any harsh realities?”

“Harsh realities?” Matsuoka tilted his head.

“You know, like things about her that bother you or annoy you.”

“Not really. I do the cooking, but they take care of the cleaning and laundry.”

“Huh…” Shinozaki nodded along.

“I can’t really picture you being all lovey-dovey with her, boss. Do you guys ever take baths together?”

There was a slight pause before Matsuoka replied. Shinozaki looked surprised, his eyes widening.

“Wait, do you?”

“No, our bathroom’s too small,” Matsuoka lied. The truth was, they bathed together every night because Hiromatsu liked it that way. Despite finding it cramped and thinking it would be more relaxing to bathe alone, Matsuoka had gotten used to it and now found it lonely when he was by himself.

Matsuoka knew that romantic relationships weren't solely about physical connection, but he also realized that physical intimacy played a significant role. At first, he had been scared and hesitant to let Hiromatsu see his body, but now, he felt happy when Hiromatsu looked at him and wanted him to touch him more. The only thing he still found difficult was doing it in the bath.

"Boss, I didn't know you were such a freak," Shinozaki teased.

“I'm not,” Matsuoka replied, trying to dismiss it.

But Shinozaki's eyes glinted mischievously, as if he didn't believe him.

"Seriously, don't tell anyone," Matsuoka warned.

“Got it,” Shinozaki replied with a smile, but Matsuoka's insistence made it clear that he had essentially admitted it.

“Looks like things are going well for you, boss. I just broke up with my girlfriend recently,” Shinozaki casually mentioned.

"Really?" Matsuoka was surprised.

"Yeah, I met someone at a group date, started seeing her, and then my girlfriend found out I was two-timing her. Now I’m dating the girl from the group date."

Shinozaki, who spoke quickly, had already finished his pork cutlet bowl and was lighting a cigarette.

“She cut me off clean when she found out. Things had started feeling a bit stale with my ex, but I thought we might eventually get married. Guess I stepped on a landmine. It hit me pretty hard.”

“But you’re with the girl from the group date now, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

Shinozaki lit his second cigarette, looking somewhat melancholy.

That evening, Matsuoka wrapped up his work early and headed to the park where they were supposed to meet. Hiromatsu was already there, sitting on a bench. He was dressed casually in a thick cut-and-sew top and jeans, with a cotton coat over them. Since this was also supposed to serve as an informal interview, Matsuoka had hoped he would wear a suit, but since Hiromatsu thought it was just a casual drinking meetup, there was no reason for him to dress up.

"Have you been waiting long?"

“I just got here,” Hiromatsu replied, standing up with a smile.

"My senior said he might be a bit late, so he asked us to head to the place first."

They walked to the restaurant together. It was an Asian-themed izakaya with private rooms. Just as they sat down, Matsuoka received an email from his senior, saying he'd be another twenty minutes late. So Matsuoka and Hiromatsu decided to start drinking first.

Matsuoka mostly ate at home these days, so this was his first time at an izakaya since the last time he drank with his colleagues. Ever since he started cooking dinner, Matsuoka had become more attentive to the flavors of the dishes served in restaurants, and he found himself asking the staff various questions. As he was about to order another beer, he noticed that Hiromatsu hadn’t drunk much. Matsuoka was on his third glass, but Hiromatsu was still halfway through his first.

"Don't hold back, feel free to drink," Matsuoka said.

"I just don't think it's a good idea to get drunk before meeting someone for the first time," Hiromatsu replied.

"He's not the type of person you need to be that cautious with. It'll be fine," Matsuoka assured him.

As they talked, Matsuoka thought he heard his senior's voice. Sure enough, he spotted Rokujima being led over by a waiter.

"Hey, Matsuoka," Rokujima greeted.

"It's not like we haven't seen each other in a while," Matsuoka replied with a small smile. Rokujima then turned to Hiromatsu and bowed slightly.

"Sorry for being late," he said.

"No worries," Hiromatsu replied with a nod.

"I got stuck with some complicated work. It's been a real headache," Rokujima said as he sat down next to Matsuoka. Matsuoka introduced Hiromatsu, but deliberately avoided mentioning that Rokujima was a lawyer. Rokujima seemed to pick up on this, keeping the conversation light, focusing on topics like celebrities and current events.

Hiromatsu didn’t join in the conversation much, possibly out of consideration for meeting someone new. However, he did respond when spoken to, though he wasn’t the type to dominate a conversation with "me, me, me" talk, so this seemed typical for him.

The conversation shifted to soccer, and as Rokujima mentioned going to a game during the week, Hiromatsu tilted his head slightly.

"What kind of work do you do, Rokujima-san?" Hiromatsu asked.

After a quick glance at Matsuoka, Rokujima admitted, "I'm a lawyer." Hiromatsu nodded, saying, "A lawyer, huh?" but didn’t follow up with any more questions.

"And what kind of work do you do, Hiromatsu-san?" Rokujima asked.

Matsuoka was startled. He had already told Rokujima that Hiromatsu was unemployed, but now Rokujima was bringing it up.

"Well… I'm actually unemployed right now, and I'm looking for a job," Hiromatsu answered after a brief pause. Rokujima nodded exaggeratedly.

"That's tough. Did you quit voluntarily?"

Rokujima was bluntly probing into the part Matsuoka least wanted him to ask about.

"No… I was laid off this past February and left the company at the end of March. I would have liked to stay, but there was nothing I could do," Hiromatsu explained.

"That sounds pretty sudden. Did you try negotiating with the company?" Rokujima pressed further.

"I didn’t do anything myself, but my boss did try to speak on my behalf," Hiromatsu replied, a bit reluctantly.

"That sounds like it could be grounds for a lawsuit against the company," Rokujima suggested, leaning forward.

Hiromatsu hurriedly shook his head. "It's fine. I don't think I was particularly competent anyway. Besides, I don't have the financial means to pursue a lawsuit. I'd rather work part-time jobs than go through that," he said with a smile. He didn't seem bitter or self-deprecating as he talked about being laid off. Instead, he spoke calmly and objectively.

The conversation then shifted away from Hiromatsu. They shared stories about outrageous clients Rokujima had encountered, leading to laughter all around, including from Hiromatsu.

At one point, Rokujima’s phone rang, and he excused himself to take the call. Matsuoka also took the opportunity to use the restroom. On his way back, he ran into Rokujima in the hallway.

"Your friend seems like a good guy," Rokujima remarked.

"He's a bit reserved, but he's a serious person," Matsuoka replied.

"Exactly. He’s so honest that he told me upfront he got laid off. You don’t often meet people like that," Rokujima said with a nod before heading to the restroom.

Matsuoka returned to the table to find Hiromatsu looking at his phone. When he noticed Matsuoka, he quickly placed it face down on the table.

"So, what do you think of Rokujima-senpai?" Matsuoka asked.

"Well, he seems like an interesting person," Hiromatsu answered, somewhat hesitantly.

"Did you think he was a soccer fanatic?" Matsuoka teased.

Hiromatsu chuckled. "It's great to have something you're passionate about, no matter how old you get."

"Oh, were you talking about me?" Rokujima interjected, having returned unnoticed. He quickly sat down and ordered another beer as a waiter passed by.

"By the way, Hiromatsu-san, you mentioned you were looking for a job. Have you had any luck?" Rokujima finally broached the subject directly. Hiromatsu responded with a wry smile.

"It's been tough. They say that at my age, you have to go through as many interviews as your years."

"Actually," Rokujima began, "one of the people at my office is leaving at the end of the year. If you're interested, why not give it a try?"

Hiromatsu’s eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh, but I don't know much about the law…"

"That’s not a problem. It’s a clerical position, so you wouldn’t need to be an expert."

Hiromatsu fell silent, his expression troubled, as he looked down. It was a good offer—Matsuoka hoped he wouldn’t refuse. He anxiously watched Hiromatsu’s reaction.

After a long pause, Hiromatsu suddenly looked up and made eye contact with Matsuoka. There was something in Hiromatsu's gaze that made Matsuoka's spine tingle with fear—it almost seemed like anger.

"Well, it's not like I'm forcing you or anything," Rokujima said, trying to ease the tension.

"No…"

Hiromatsu’s tone was noticeably lower.

"I've been looking for a job for a while, so I appreciate the offer. I worked in general affairs at my previous company, so maybe I can bring some of that experience to this position."

His voice was tense, but his words indicated that he was accepting the offer.

"So, it's settled?" Rokujima asked.

"If you'll have me, then please," Hiromatsu replied.

The conversation was heading exactly where Matsuoka had hoped it would. Hiromatsu had agreed, seemingly satisfied. Yet, Matsuoka couldn’t bring himself to look at him—he was too afraid to see what was behind those eyes.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Matsuoka and Rokujima parted ways in front of the restaurant. The discussion had moved quickly, and it was decided that starting in early December, Hiromatsu would begin working at Rokujima’s office once a week as a trainee.

On the way home, they walked side by side without saying a word. Though Hiromatsu was right next to him, he wouldn’t even glance in Matsuoka’s direction. He gave off a clear aura of “Don’t talk to me,” so strong that it was impossible to break through. There was no opening, no space for words.

Even on the train, they remained silent. A stabbing pain flared in Matsuoka’s stomach like a needle twisting inside him. So when Hiromatsu didn’t get off at the station before his apartment, Matsuoka felt genuine relief. He’d feared, with a sinking heart, that Hiromatsu might just head back to his own place and leave him behind.

They got off at the station near Matsuoka’s apartment. Still silent. The weight of walking beside someone who wouldn’t speak grew too much to bear, and Matsuoka began trailing a few steps behind.

Just before reaching the convenience store, Hiromatsu suddenly stopped.

“I need to buy something. Go ahead and head back.”

His tone seemed the same as usual.

“Oh, then I’ll get something too…”

The moment he said it, Hiromatsu fell quiet.

That’s when Matsuoka finally realized—the shopping was just an excuse. Hiromatsu wanted to be alone.

“…I’m a little tipsy. I’ll take a walk in the park before heading back.”

“Ah, okay. Then I’ll go on ahead.”

That’s what he said. But his legs wouldn’t move. He couldn’t leave.

Hiromatsu was clearly angry. If he left him now, maybe it’d be like before—he’d go back to the countryside and disappear. The trains were no longer running at this hour, so logically, it wasn’t even possible. But still, the fear wouldn’t go away.

He thought of what Shinozaki had said earlier about landmines—things that even lovers must never step on. One misstep, and it could end everything.

Hiromatsu had to have realized by now that the job at Rokujima’s office had been orchestrated by Matsuoka. After all, he’d said almost the same thing once before: “I have a senpai at a law office who’s looking for someone.” It wouldn’t be strange if Hiromatsu sensed something behind this outing. Matsuoka had fixated too much on appearances, thinking that as long as he wasn’t directly involved, it would be fine. But he hadn’t thought it all the way through—and that misjudgment had landed him squarely on one of Hiromatsu’s landmines.

“…I’m sorry.”

The apology slipped out before he could stop it. At once, Hiromatsu’s voice came—cold enough to make Matsuoka’s whole body flinch.

“Why are you apologizing?”

Before he could answer, Hiromatsu went on, “For that dinner, where you arranged a job for me without saying so?”

“I really am sorry.”

Hiromatsu exhaled sharply, frustration clinging to the air around him.

“Just go home.”

And with that, he crossed the street. The park was in the opposite direction of the apartment. Matsuoka stood frozen, watching his back as it disappeared into the dark. Only when he could no longer see him did he finally start walking again—each step so heavy it felt like his ankles were shackled.

The moment he got back to the apartment, Matsuoka collapsed in the entryway. His mind had gone pitch-black. He had a terrible feeling that Hiromatsu wasn’t coming back.

Things had finally started going well. And he’d ruined it. Destroyed everything.

After sitting there for some time, he finally managed to kick off his shoes. He dragged himself to the living room and slumped onto the sofa like a heap of rags.

No, no, no.

The words raced in loops through his head as his chest ached sharply, like something was burning inside it. He felt like he couldn’t sit still. He wanted to run to the park right now, throw himself at Hiromatsu’s feet, and beg for forgiveness.

But what if Hiromatsu still said no?

He would never recover.

I’d rather die, he thought. If someone—anyone—broke in right now and killed me, it would be better.

If Hiromatsu found him dead, maybe he’d regret leaving him alone. It was a completely backward, pathetic train of thought, and yet… he found himself wishing for it in earnest.

He should have said no to Rokujima. Should’ve firmly turned it down. Hiromatsu had been properly looking for a job. All Matsuoka had to do was watch over him quietly. When things didn’t go well, he could’ve just been there to comfort him. That was all Hiromatsu ever wanted from him—and nothing more.

If he were being honest, Matsuoka didn’t care whether Hiromatsu had a job or not. As long as he was by his side, that was enough.

His mind was flooded with regret—there wasn’t even a sliver of space left for anything else. He rushed to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and drank it down even though he didn’t want it. He just wanted to get drunk fast, to lose himself, to escape from this moment. He was reaching for his third can when he heard the front door open.

There was only one person who had a key.

Footsteps approached, and Hiromatsu appeared in front of Matsuoka, who was sitting on the sofa with a beer can in hand.

“…I’m back.”

Hiromatsu greeted him with his usual politeness—but his expression was subtly tense. He let out a sigh that made Matsuoka’s ears ache, then quietly sat down beside him on the couch.

“I… I’m sorry…”

Matsuoka couldn’t meet his eyes. He clutched the beer can tightly as he apologized.

“I’m really, really sorry…”

Tears welled up and burst free. He was sure it would only annoy Hiromatsu to see him crying over something like this, but he couldn’t stop.

Fingers touched his cheek gently, brushing the tears from the corners of his eyes.

“I thought something felt off from the moment you said you wanted to introduce me to someone. Next time, don’t beat around the bush—just ask directly. Like, ‘Would you be interested in working at a friend’s office?’”

Matsuoka turned to him.

“But wouldn’t you hate that coming from me? You got angry last time… and left for the countryside.”

“That’s true,” Hiromatsu murmured. “But back then, I was already mentally backed into a corner. I couldn’t accept getting laid off, and then hearing that you were being promoted—it just made me feel the gap between us even more. But now… now I know I don’t need to compare myself to anyone. I’m not going to get angry like that anymore.”

“But you were angry. You barely spoke to me the whole way back. You didn’t even look at me. It was terrifying…”

Hiromatsu suddenly pulled him into a rough hug. Matsuoka’s body flinched.

“I was angry. But not at you.”

Being embraced like that while knowing he was still angry—Matsuoka didn’t even know anymore if he felt scared or relieved.

“I love you, Matsuoka-san. I know you love me too… but you don’t trust me, do you?”

“I—I’m sor—”

“Don’t apologize. If you can’t trust me, it’s because I haven’t made you feel like you can. That’s on me. I hate that I can’t give you that security. It frustrates me…”

“It’s not your fault, Hiromatsu-san—”

But before he could finish, Hiromatsu sealed his lips with a kiss. Maybe that meant don’t say another word. And as Hiromatsu touched him, fiercely, Matsuoka’s emotions tangled—scared, aching, and yet aroused all at once, his mind a chaotic blur.

“You’re allowed to be angry.”

Hiromatsu looked him in the eye, steady and firm.

“If something bothers you, or upsets you—say it. I’ll try to change. And if I can’t accept it, I’ll say so too. I’m not going to stop loving you just because we disagree. You should feel free to be selfish with me.”

His gaze softened into a gentle smile.

“I want to be the one you’re selfish with, Matsuoka-san.”

Matsuoka trembled as he shook his head.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because… if I say what I want, you’ll definitely freak out.”

“No matter how outrageous it is, I’ll try my best,” Hiromatsu whispered playfully.

“Like if you said you wanted to have sex all day long”, he added, and Matsuoka’s head snapped back into clarity.

That wasn’t a request—that was just Hiromatsu’s own wish. And saying something like that now of all times—he was so unbelievably tone-deaf it actually made Matsuoka laugh.

Still smiling, he wrapped his arms around Hiromatsu’s neck and pressed his nose against his collarbone.

“Cancel the lease on your apartment.”

He’d wanted to say it for so long. But he was too afraid of the answer to look at his face.

“Live here. With me… please.”

Please, he repeated again silently, pressing tighter into the embrace.

“…I’m still unemployed. Are you okay with that?”

Hiromatsu’s teasing tone returned, and Matsuoka nodded—trembling, but sure. “Yeah.”

◇:-:◆:-:◇

In December, Hiromatsu began working part-time at Rokujima’s office. On his first day, during lunch break, Matsuoka found himself wondering how things were going—when his phone rang. It was Rokujima.

“Hiromatsu-san is great,” he said immediately, excitement making his words spill out fast.

“He really nailed it on day one! He straight-up told that girl who’s quitting to get married, ‘You really shouldn’t be on your personal phone during work hours.’ And when she tried to say ‘It’s just for a minute,’ he shot back with ‘Even a minute—it's still a matter of professional conduct.’ God, it was so satisfying.”

Hiromatsu had always been serious-minded—that wasn’t new. But seeing that quality actually being appreciated for once gave Matsuoka a small measure of relief.

As planned, the girl left the office at the end of December, and Hiromatsu was officially hired as a full-time employee in January. “There’s still a lot I don’t know,” he said, and at home, he began studying legal documents and procedures in earnest.

In March, on his way home from work, Matsuoka happened to run into Rokujima at the station. Hiromatsu would occasionally talk about how things were going at the office, but Matsuoka decided to ask Rokujima directly.

“Hiromatsu-san’s doing really well,” he said. “At first, I thought maybe he wasn’t too quick on the uptake, but he doesn’t make mistakes. I can trust him to handle things. I honestly don’t know why he was laid off. Well, lucky for me though—I get to have him here.”

Then, after a pause, Rokujima added, “But man… he’s too by-the-book. Like, even with expense reports—he won’t approve anything without picking it apart. I tried to nudge him a bit on something minor, and he goes, ‘If you feel even a little unsure about it, maybe it’s best not to do it,’ with this totally straight face. I mean… he’s right, but still.”

“I told you he was serious,” Matsuoka said.

“I’ve got no complaints. He’s a good guy. But don’t you think people need a little bit of fun in them?”

They parted on the platform, and Matsuoka boarded the train. Not long after, a message popped up on his phone—it was from Hiromatsu: ‘I finished work early today, so I’ll take care of dinner. What would you like?’

To be honest, cooking wasn’t Hiromatsu’s strength. If anything, he was clearly not suited for it. But his determination to try anyway was both borderline troublesome and undeniably cute.

Matsuoka went with the safest option he could think of—curry. No matter how badly it turned out, once you put in the boxed roux, it usually tasted okay.

A reply came quickly: ‘I’ll do my best!’

Reading it, Matsuoka smiled quietly to himself.

Previous TOC Next