Utsukushii Koto: Volume 3 - Part 3

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

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Matsuoka spent the weekend either sleeping or drinking. There were no calls from Hiromatsu, only four emails. Even though he wanted to hear his voice, he didn’t call, fearing he would catch Hiromatsu in another lie, or worse, realize he was being lied to.

On Monday morning, his head throbbed with a dull ache, possibly from the lingering effects of the previous night's drinking. When he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, he noticed how unkempt his stubble had become over the weekend. It looked terrible. He quickly shaved it off with an electric shaver and carefully trimmed the remaining goatee on his chin with a blade.

Perhaps because he was distracted, his finger slipped. By the time he realized it, half of his goatee was gone. No matter how he tried to fix it, it just looked odd. With no other option, he shaved off the rest of the goatee that he had been meticulously maintaining.

On the commute to work and even after arriving at the office, Matsuoka kept his head down. He hadn’t wanted to shave his goatee —it was something Hiromatsu liked. Hiromatsu would often nibble or lick it playfully when they were together. Matsuoka would pretend to be annoyed, but he secretly enjoyed it.

It felt like a part of him that Hiromatsu liked had disappeared, foreshadowing a bleak future. His mood plummeted, and he tried to shake off such negative thoughts.

Everything was getting to him, and even at work, he found himself becoming increasingly irritated. He barely managed to hold back from snapping at his subordinates. During a break, he bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. While he was smoking in the designated area, Shinozaki, one of his colleagues, walked in and exclaimed, "Oh!"

“It's rare to see you smoking, boss,” Shinozaki said, sounding unusually cheerful, which only slightly irked Matsuoka.

“Yeah, there's nothing like a good smoke, right? It’s a moment of pure bliss,” Shinozaki added, seeming to enjoy himself. Despite his irritation, Matsuoka continued smoking, forcing a faint smile. His behavior was predictable—when stressed, he turned to alcohol and cigarettes.

“By the way, why did you shave off your goatee? You've had it for a while now.”

A few others had asked him the same thing when he arrived at the office. Matsuoka rubbed his now-smooth chin, still feeling the strangeness of it.

“No particular reason. I just got tired of it,” he replied.

After smoking two full cigarettes, Matsuoka returned to the office. Even though he had checked in the smoking area, he looked at his phone again as soon as he sat down. There were no emails from Hiromatsu. Not even the usual morning message.

Frustrated with waiting for a message that wouldn’t come, and hating himself for doing so, Matsuoka turned off his phone. But soon, he turned it back on, realizing it might cause issues at work.

Maybe Hiromatsu just forgot to send the morning message. The lack of follow-up could be because he realized it was already work hours and didn’t want to disturb him. Hiromatsu wasn’t the type to text during work hours anyway.

He kept trying to rationalize it to himself, but even after work, even as he boarded the train home, there was still no message from Hiromatsu.

Clutching his phone, Matsuoka wondered if this was how things would end. The last time Hiromatsu started to pull away, it had been a much slower process. Compared to then, this time it seemed much faster, more blatant, and painfully obvious.

Things had been going too well. It had always felt strange that someone who had once rejected him so strongly could suddenly become so affectionate. Even when Hiromatsu said he loved him, Matsuoka couldn’t fully believe it. He wanted to, but he was afraid to.

Still, he couldn’t reject him. He still loved him, after all. He asked himself what would have been better: to have dated and then broken up, or to have ended things without ever dating at all. There was no real answer—both options seemed equally awful.

On his way home, Matsuoka stopped by a convenience store and bought two six-packs of beer, preparing for a night of drinking. If things were going to end, he wanted it to happen quickly, before the pain dragged on. He tried to convince himself that there were plenty of guys like Hiromatsu out there.

…But he couldn’t fool himself. If he were capable of moving on like that, he never would have dated Hiromatsu in the first place. Even knowing things might not work out, he had clung to the hope that something would change, dragging out his one-sided feelings.

Unable to resolve his conflicting emotions, he did the only thing he could—turned to alcohol. When Matsuoka unlocked his apartment door, he was surprised to find the hallway lights on. He saw a pair of shoes at the entrance, larger than his own, and familiar. Dropping the convenience store bag, he ran down the hallway and burst into the living room.

“Welcome home,” said the man on the sofa, turning to smile at him.

“What... what are you doing here?”

Hiromatsu was supposed to be busy with work, unable to visit on weekdays. And it wasn’t even Friday.

“I had some free time,” Hiromatsu said, walking over to where Matsuoka stood, dumbfounded. He reached out and touched Matsuoka’s freshly shaved chin.

“It’s gone.”

“Oh, sorry. I was a bit out of it this morning and ended up shaving it off by mistake…”

Matsuoka immediately regretted losing something Hiromatsu liked so much due to his carelessness.

“No need to apologize,” Hiromatsu said, amused, as he gently stroked Matsuoka’s chin before tilting it up slightly. Their lips met, and Matsuoka trembled, gripping Hiromatsu’s arms.

“…It’s been a while. You taste like cigarettes.”

He had been smoking whenever he could today, feeling that his timing was always off. Hiromatsu glanced up at the clock.

“Do you have a moment? There’s somewhere I want to take you.”

“Where to?”

Hiromatsu just smiled and didn’t say anything. He only mentioned that it was nearby, so Matsuoka followed him out in his suit.

They walked slowly through a residential area. The streetlights were spaced far apart, leaving patches of deep darkness in between. Matsuoka stumbled over a small step and pitched forward.

“Whoa!”

Just before he fell, Hiromatsu grabbed his right arm, saving him from hitting the concrete sidewalk. After regaining his balance, Hiromatsu let go of his arm.

“Thanks.”

“Are you always this clumsy, Matsuoka-san?” Hiromatsu asked, squinting with a smile. But before Matsuoka could respond, Hiromatsu tripped over something himself, stumbling forward.

“Oops.”

Before Matsuoka could say anything, Hiromatsu quickly made an excuse.

“I had a drink while I was waiting for you to get home.”

When Matsuoka laughed, shaking with amusement, Hiromatsu looked down, embarrassed. The trivial conversation made Matsuoka realize how silly it was to have been brooding and sulking all weekend.

Hiromatsu, seeming to have regained his composure, started walking again. When Matsuoka fell into step beside him, Hiromatsu glanced over at him.

"A face without a goatee feels strange," Hiromatsu remarked.

"You really like beards, don't you?" Matsuoka responded.

Hiromatsu stopped walking and thought for a moment. "Do I?"

"I've heard of people having first or scent fetishes, but a beard fetish is pretty rare," Matsuoka teased.

Hiromatsu hurried to deny it, his flustered reaction amusing Matsuoka. "It's not that I really like it; it just catches my attention."

As they chatted about trivial things, they walked for about ten minutes until Hiromatsu led them into a three-story building.

"Where are we?" Matsuoka asked, but Hiromatsu didn’t respond. He quietly climbed the stairs and opened the door to a room on the right end of the third floor using a key. He gestured for Matsuoka to follow him inside. The hallway led to a kitchen on the right and a room at the back. The room felt spacious, with nothing in it but a futon. Hiromatsu took Matsuoka's right hand and placed the key in it.

"I’m giving this to you. I moved in yesterday. I want you to come over whenever you like."

Matsuoka had a feeling something like this was coming as they were climbing the stairs, but he had pushed the thought aside, not wanting to get his hopes up. And now, that "what if" had become reality.

"Matsuoka?" Hiromatsu peered into his face, noticing the dazed look on Matsuoka’s face as he stood there with his mouth slightly open.

"I was so surprised, I couldn’t even speak," Matsuoka finally managed to say.

Hiromatsu smiled, clearly pleased. "Then I succeeded. I wanted to surprise you."

Stepping into the hallway, Hiromatsu pulled out a beer from a small fridge. "Let’s have a little toast."

He handed it to Matsuoka, who took a sip before sitting down on the tatami mat as Hiromatsu suggested.

"I moved my stuff with a small truck," Hiromatsu explained casually. "My brother helped, so I managed to move pretty cheaply."

Matsuoka knew that moving wasn’t something you could do on a whim. "Was it because I asked if you wanted to move back here the other day?"

Hiromatsu didn’t deny it, saying, "That was part of it."

"I had been preparing for this bit by bit. I knew renting a place here would be cheaper than commuting by Shinkansen. But I also had responsibilities at home, like hiring someone to take over after I left. I thought my family back home would feel more at ease if I moved after securing a job here."

Hiromatsu’s fingers brushed Matsuoka’s cheek.

"But when you asked me to move here, I couldn’t wait any longer."

Hiromatsu’s hand overlapped with Matsuoka’s on the tatami. His touch was surprisingly warm, and the way he looked at Matsuoka was filled with a smoldering heat.

Matsuoka leaned in and kissed him. Hiromatsu’s heated fingers began to move deliberately along Matsuoka’s back. Even though tomorrow was Tuesday, it no longer mattered. Matsuoka wanted this man, right now.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Hiromatsu had mentioned drinking in Matsuoka's apartment earlier, and after arriving at this new place, he had continued drinking, which led him to fall asleep quickly after devouring Matsuoka. The window still had no curtains, allowing the dim light from the streetlamp to filter through the glass, casting a faint glow on the sleeping man's contented face.

Matsuoka felt foolish for worrying about being abandoned or their relationship fading away. While he had been mulling over thoughts of breaking up, Hiromatsu had been quietly making plans to move closer to him. The same man who had left six months ago without a trace of regret had now moved back—surely driven by his feelings for Matsuoka. Despite claiming he wasn't dissatisfied with his life in the countryside, Hiromatsu had chosen to come back.

Matsuoka realized that he was more loved than he had ever imagined. He had known this deeply over the past two months since they started dating, yet he still doubted it over the smallest things. It was a testament to how fragile his heart was.

As he buried his nose in Hiromatsu's shoulder, Matsuoka's thoughts raced. He was genuinely happy—overjoyed, in fact—that Hiromatsu had moved closer. The fact that he had even considered the possibility of living together felt like a luxury. But had Hiromatsu ever considered moving in with him instead of renting a nearby apartment? If he was willing to split the rent, why hadn’t Hiromatsu suggested they live together?

Matsuoka suspected that Hiromatsu might have thought about it but ultimately decided to rent his own apartment because that was what he wanted. They had hit a rough patch in the spring when Matsuoka had tried to help Hiromatsu find a job, even though he hadn’t asked for it. Even if Matsuoka’s assistance could have led to a better outcome, it wasn’t what Hiromatsu wanted. And though Hiromatsu could have managed on his own, Matsuoka had pushed too far.

If Matsuoka put himself in Hiromatsu’s shoes, he realized he might have felt conflicted if the roles were reversed. The lesson was clear: no matter how much he loved Hiromatsu, there were boundaries he shouldn’t cross. Hiromatsu could handle things on his own, and he wanted to.

Matsuoka knew he would have to wait. Perhaps one day, Hiromatsu would want to be with him even more and suggest they live together.

Feeling a chill on his shoulder, Matsuoka pulled the sheets up and snuggled closer to the warmth beside him.

Hiromatsu had mentioned that he was going to start looking for a job soon. The idea of the lawyer's office his senior ran crossed Matsuoka's mind. He wanted to suggest it, to help. But he knew he shouldn’t bring it up until Hiromatsu himself, even jokingly, mentioned that he was looking for a good job.

To avoid overstepping and to maintain equality in their relationship, Matsuoka realized they needed to keep a certain distance.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

No matter how close they were, personal space was still necessary. Matsuoka thought that might be why Hiromatsu hadn’t suggested coming to his place, as it was important to "not overstep." Matsuoka, while careful to maintain the right distance, couldn't deny that he secretly wished they could see each other every night, especially since they were now only a ten-minute walk apart. If he got off the train one stop early, it was just a two-minute walk to Hiromatsu’s apartment.

Matsuoka tried to restrain himself, initially visiting every three days. But since Hiromatsu always welcomed him with a smile, the visits quickly became every other day, and before long, Matsuoka found himself spending time at Hiromatsu’s place every day.

Hiromatsu was working temporary jobs while continuing his job search.

"Given my age, it’s not easy," he would occasionally confide in Matsuoka, though he didn’t talk much about his job hunt. Every time he did, Matsuoka had to bite his tongue to stop himself from suggesting his senior’s law firm.

"I know it’s tough to find a new job," Hiromatsu would say, remaining optimistic and not showing any signs of frustration. However, when he received a rejection letter, he would become visibly down and cling to Matsuoka, reluctant to let him leave. Though Hiromatsu never voiced his anxieties, Matsuoka could sense them, and he was secretly pleased to be relied upon and needed in those moments.

In the first weekend of October, Matsuoka received a call from Rokujima while shopping at a nearby supermarket. Rokujima asked, “So what’s the deal with your friend?”

Matsuoka hesitated, and Rokujima continued, “Actually, my aunt has been asking if I can hire my cousin at the firm.”

Hiromatsu hadn’t yet secured a job, and Matsuoka had been patiently waiting for Hiromatsu to ask for his help in finding a good position. Matsuoka felt bad for keeping Rokujima waiting, unsure of when or if Hiromatsu would come to him for help.

“Then... you should prioritize your cousin,” Matsuoka said.

"I don’t want to," Rokujima replied, much to Matsuoka’s surprise.

“What?”

"I don’t like him. He’s three years older than me, has a terrible personality, and used to bully me relentlessly as a kid. Even though we’re not children anymore, it still doesn’t sit right with me. Plus, working with family can be awkward."

Rokujima’s voice sounded unusually frustrated.

“So, I told my aunt I’ve already decided to hire someone my junior knows.”

"What?"

“She kept nagging me, so I had to say something. So, what’s going on with your friend?”

Matsuoka apologized, admitting, “I haven’t brought up your firm with him yet.”

“Why not?” Rokujima asked, clearly puzzled.

“He’s older than me… and I thought he might not like the idea of me finding him a job. It’s hard to bring it up…”

Rokujima seemed to understand, sighing slightly.

“Yeah, that’s a tricky situation. But how about this: You introduce your friend as just that, a friend. The three of us can grab a drink, and I can feel him out. If I like him, I’ll bring up the job offer. That way, it won’t seem like you’re pushing anything.”

It was a good idea. This way, Matsuoka wouldn’t risk hurting Hiromatsu’s pride by offering a job directly, and if Rokujima didn’t like him, Hiromatsu would never know, so he wouldn’t be disappointed. Matsuoka could present the meeting as a simple get-together. He immediately arranged a date with Rokujima and planned to check with Hiromatsu about his availability.

Matsuoka had been worried about Hiromatsu’s job search for a while, so he felt a sense of relief that things might finally work out. After finishing the long phone call, Matsuoka quickly completed his shopping and headed to Hiromatsu’s apartment. The window facing the corridor was dark, indicating Hiromatsu hadn’t returned yet. As Matsuoka unlocked the door, a young man in his mid-twenties, the neighbor, came out of the adjacent apartment. Matsuoka greeted him with a polite “Hello,” but the man didn’t respond, instead frowning openly.

His attitude was off-putting. When Matsuoka later asked Hiromatsu about the neighbor, Hiromatsu said he barely knew him, having only exchanged greetings when he moved in.

When Matsuoka told Hiromatsu about the proposed meeting with Rokujima, Hiromatsu seemed unsure but eventually agreed to go.

The next morning, Matsuoka left Hiromatsu’s apartment early. Although he had stayed over, he didn’t have a change of shirt, so he needed to stop by his own apartment to change before work. The neighbor was also leaving at the same time, dressed in a suit, likely for work.

Remembering the cold reception from the previous day, Matsuoka tried again with a morning greeting, “Good morning.” The man looked at him but remained silent. Matsuoka decided it was best to keep his distance and let the man go ahead down the stairs. However, the man suddenly stopped, turned around, and said, “You’re really noisy at night. Could you keep it down?”

The man spat out the words before quickly descending the stairs. Matsuoka felt his face flush with embarrassment. He knew the apartment walls were thin and had tried to keep quiet, but being in a corner unit on the third floor had made him complacent. Sometimes, when things got intense, he couldn’t help but let his guard down. While the soundproofing at his own place was better, they had been spending more time at Hiromatsu’s apartment since he moved in.

Returning to his own apartment to change before heading to work, Matsuoka couldn’t shake the sting of the neighbor’s words, which left him feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious all morning.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

“Let me hear your voice.”

The whisper came at his ear, just as desire was being thrust deep inside him, their bodies joined.

“Eh…”

“Matsuoka-san, let me hear your voice.”

They were finally in a room with curtains, lit only by a dim glow. Hiromatsu looked at him gently and stroked his forehead. He must have realized Matsuoka was deliberately holding his voice back.

“Your voice when you’re feeling it… it’s cute.”

He was embarrassed to make any noise, but it wasn't that he didn't want to. However, there was a more pressing concern now.

“Um…”

“What? Did you suddenly get shy?” Hiromatsu teased.

As he pinched the trembling tip of Matsuoka’s length, a startled cry escaped his lips—“Hii!”—half gasp, half moan. He immediately tried to cover his mouth, but Hiromatsu grabbed his hand and pinned it to the bed.

“Hiromatsu-san, no—I’ll make noise.”

“But it’s cute.”

And then his hips were thrust into again, making Matsuoka’s knees tremble.

“Ah—no, stop—ah…”

His back arched as Hiromatsu’s lips closed around one of his nipples, sucking hard. He couldn’t hold back any longer, and his voice spilled out. He was aware of the neighbor, but with both wrists pinned, he couldn’t do a thing.

“Ah… ah… no—don’t, Hiromatsu-sa…”

He wasn’t sure if he was trying to warn him or if it was just another moan. And then—the wall beside them thudded with a loud bang.

Hiromatsu froze in surprise, while Matsuoka jolted, his whole back twitching.

“…What was that? Noisy this late at night,” Hiromatsu muttered, as if completely unfazed.

In contrast, the heat drained from Matsuoka in an instant. If they stayed connected like this any longer, he’d probably end up in tears from how insensitive this man could be. He shifted his hips himself, disengaging their bodies.

“Eh…”

Hiromatsu looked up at him with a wounded expression. Understandably so—they hadn’t finished.

“Sorry, is it okay if I just use my hand?”

Matsuoka asked cautiously. “…Yeah, sure,” Hiromatsu replied, but after that, he went quiet. Even with just a hand, it took some time, but he came in the end. Matsuoka sighed in relief—only for Hiromatsu’s hand to then slip toward his lower belly.

“I—no, it’s okay. Don’t.”

“Why?”

“Just… not tonight.”

Even though he said no, his body was still halfway there. He couldn’t just leave it like that either. He stood to go to the bathroom and take care of it himself, but Hiromatsu must’ve sensed it—he grabbed him and said, “Let me.”

“I’ll do it myself tonight.”

Hiromatsu stared at him, then softly said, “I’m sorry.”

“Huh? For what?”

“Just… don’t be mad at me, okay? I won’t do anything you don’t want anymore.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You are.”

Hiromatsu pressed the issue insistently. Matsuoka wasn’t mad, but the man just wouldn’t believe him. His gaze felt uncomfortably intense, sticky with guilt and worry. Matsuoka didn’t want to let something this trivial ruin the mood—or let Hiromatsu sulk over it. And truthfully, he did want to be touched.

But it was night. Talking like this might already be audible through the walls. It made Matsuoka anxious.

He reached out and took Hiromatsu’s right hand. Then, dragging him out from under the sheets, still completely naked, he led him all the way to the area near the entryway.

The air out there was a little chilly on his skin.

“It’s not that I don’t want to have sex.”

His voice was small, barely more than a whisper.

“Then why?”

A shiver ran through him, and he sneezed. Should’ve thrown something on, he thought, rubbing his nose. Hiromatsu pulled him in closer, and where their bodies touched, warmth began to spread.

He’d thought it would be fine if he just paid closer attention himself—but without explaining, Hiromatsu was never going to let it go.

“…My voice.”

“Hm?”

“This morning, the neighbor next door told me I was too loud… last night.”

Hiromatsu’s eyes widened. He clearly hadn’t even considered the possibility.

“So I thought… maybe we should be a little more careful when I’m here.”

Hiromatsu’s arms tightened around him, and he apologized with a quiet, “Sorry for making you worry.”

“I’m totally fine, though,” Matsuoka added.

Hiromatsu kissed him gently, loud enough to make a sound, then began stroking his hair with slow, deliberate fingers. Matsuoka felt a wave of relief—it had been the right decision to just say it out loud.

“Then maybe… next time, should we do it at your place instead?”

Matsuoka’s apartment was better soundproofed. But after all this time coming here, he’d grown attached to this tiny, almost nest-like space. Despite how small it was, he’d come to love it.

“It’s fine. I just need to be more careful.”

“But that means I’ll have to hold back too.”

Matsuoka tilted his head, wondering why he would need to hold back—he was the one usually on the receiving end, the one gasping, crying out.

“I want to hear your voice,” Hiromatsu added softly.

So that was the kind of holding back he meant. Matsuoka’s ears burned hot.

“If you can’t let your voice out, then…”

Hiromatsu murmured, then kissed him again. His tongue invaded Matsuoka’s mouth, claiming it. As Matsuoka writhed under the kiss, Hiromatsu’s hand slipped down and began to touch him again—his erection still lingering from earlier.

The dual stimulation of the kiss and the strokes below sent heat coursing through his body. Hiromatsu’s fingers toyed with the tip, and before Matsuoka could brace himself, he came—his release spurting out without warning.

“Ah—s-sorry…”

The liquid trailing down Hiromatsu’s thigh felt more vivid and exposed than usual.

“Yours is warm,” Hiromatsu murmured.

Then he dipped his fingers into it, scooped some up, and—without a shred of hesitation—licked it clean with a flick of his tongue. Matsuoka had always had the vague sense that Hiromatsu sometimes swallowed when going down on him, but he’d never asked—never confirmed.

Now, licking his lips slowly, Hiromatsu looked directly at him.

Matsuoka quickly looked away, flustered. Was he always this perverted? he thought, bowing his head and feeling his cheeks burn.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW.

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