"Goodbye," you waved your hand: Chapter 2 - part 2

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In the pale dawn, he woke up shivering from the cold. His bare shoulder was largely exposed. He pulled the sheet up to his neck. The slight movement must have woken the man behind him, as the arm wrapped around him tightened. Warm fingers enveloped his cold shoulder. Once the warmth of the man’s skin mingled with his own, those same fingers pushed him down gently onto the futon. As the man’s body pressed against his own, a knee, with clear intent, slipped between his legs. Keisuke closed his eyes to the comfort of the shared warmth, just as a voice spoke softly in his ear.

“Why did you lie?”

It wasn’t a situation where he could play dumb.

“I heard you got divorced. Why did you lie about Emi going back to her parents’ home?”

The eyes staring at him were unmistakably accusing. Keisuke averted his gaze out of discomfort. He hadn’t told any of his relatives or Seiichi’s mother, his aunt, about the divorce. So how did he find out?

"I was surprised when my mother started talking about your divorce, saying she heard about it from a classmate in the countryside. I hadn't heard anything from you. At first I thought it was a joke."

Fingers pinched Keisuke’s chest hard, enough to hurt.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Why did I need to tell you? The words formed in his mind, but he swallowed them back.

“Did you find me annoying?”

Despite being someone who had forced him into sex against his will, the voice asking was weak, as if afraid of the answer. The eyes, too, seemed timid, not at all like the man who had held him down.

“No, that’s not it.”

Before he could say more, a strong embrace enveloped him. For a moment, it felt as if he were being pulled from the depths of water.

“You’re mine now.”

He heard it again in his ear.

“You’re mine now. I’ve waited five years. Honestly, I planned to wait ten, and no matter what you said, I would have taken you then. But I got you in five. Now, I don’t care what you say. I’m taking you with me.”

He felt trapped in a maddening wave, shaken, dizzy. The word “love,” so uncertain, echoed in his mind. He had loved his wife and child, truly loved them. And he had loved this man, too. But with a different kind of passion—one that burned through him. At the same time, reality hit him hard.

“Don’t make me wait any longer.”

The intensity of Seiichi’s gaze made it hard for Keisuke to breathe. He couldn’t deny that every year when Seiichi visited, he had felt a flicker of affection.

“I’m not good for you,” Keisuke whispered.

Seiichi’s obsession with him—it likely stemmed from the fact that Keisuke had ended their relationship once. People want more of what they think they can’t have. Seiichi’s fixation on him felt childish, as if it were just a matter of wanting what he couldn’t possess.

“Please, stay with me. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Even if he’s serious now, words don’t hold their power forever. Memories of the past floated through Keisuke’s mind. No matter how passionate someone is, that fire cools eventually. Just like how, in high school, Seiichi had promised to come for him and then never did.

Why does he want me so much? Does he want to possess me like a child claiming a toy? Once he has me, will he be satisfied? The thought filled Keisuke with self-loathing. He cursed his own cynicism. Five years ago, he had stayed by Seiichi’s side without expecting anything in return. But he wasn’t the same person anymore. What he could endure back then, he wasn’t sure he could endure now. Because now, there was no place to return to. If he got hurt, there was nowhere to run. A sudden, sharp sensation interrupted his thoughts. Fingers fondled his groin, and his hips trembled under the light pressure. The man's hands, the repeated kisses—they all carried meaning.

“Because I love you.”

The words seeped into his chest like music.

“You’re the only one now.”

The soft, pleasant sensations lingered, but he couldn’t believe in the empty words. As he felt the man about to enter him, his heart quivered. Despite the madness of being so desperately desired, it brought an odd sense of relief. Sex was a way for him to comfort his loneliness. By surrendering his body to a man who wanted him, he could stave off the isolation, at least for a while. It seemed like a practical arrangement. If he had nowhere to go, then it didn’t matter where he stayed. In that case, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to stay with the man who said he loved him. Until the man grew tired of him, and until he could grow accustomed to being alone.

He never said he’d go with him. But with the way his fingers held the man in return, he was sure the message had gotten through.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Around midday, Seiichi boarded the train to go home. He said that ever since hearing from his mother about the divorce, he couldn’t sit still. He had stayed up all night and taken a day off work, despite it being a Sunday, to come see him. Laughing, he said it had been worth it, and kissed him with lingering reluctance. Even as they parted at the station, Seiichi kept asking, “When are you coming?” Despite Keisuke’s reassurances that he’d come as soon as he finished packing, Seiichi repeated the question over and over, to the point of exasperation.

The phone calls came every day. Seiichi would call just because he wanted to hear Keisuke’s voice, and they would chat about trivial things. The conversations always ended with the same exchange: “When are you coming?” followed by “Because I love you,” as if it were part of a routine.

About a week after Seiichi left, a letter arrived by express mail. Inside was a one-way plane ticket with a specified date. Keisuke hesitated, thinking that Seiichi had gone too far. He could have arranged it himself. But Seiichi brushed off his reluctance, saying, “None of that matters. Just get over here.”

The day before his flight to Tokyo, still not feeling the reality of moving to live with Seiichi, Keisuke visited his parents' graves. He clasped his hands together in prayer and apologized to them for closing down the inn. But even in front of their graves, he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was going to live with a man.

There wasn’t much packing to do. He only filled a sports bag with a few autumn and winter clothes. As he boarded the plane, carrying little luggage, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that none of this was real. It felt like he would spend a few days with Seiichi and then return home. Though he wasn’t tired, he felt drowsy and dozed off in his seat. A small noise woke him.

“Your glasses fell.”

The voice came from a middle-aged woman sitting next to him. Startled, he picked them up. He used to wear contacts, but ever since losing one, he had switched to glasses. The black-framed pair had been his favorite for years. When he held them up to the light, he could see countless tiny scratches on the lenses.

After a short forty-minute flight, the plane landed. It was about twenty minutes late, and Keisuke worried that Seiichi might have been waiting. But when he stepped into the airport lobby, Seiichi wasn’t there. Relieved, Keisuke placed his bag on a bench in the waiting area. Just as he did, he heard his name called and turned around. Seiichi, dressed in a business suit, was rushing toward him, slightly out of breath. His disheveled bangs clung to his forehead, damp with sweat.

“Did you wait long?” Seiichi asked between breaths.

“The plane was delayed. I just got here.”

Seiichi, visibly relieved, pointed to the bag on the bench.

“That’s all your luggage?”

Keisuke nodded, and Seiichi picked up the bag.

“Let’s go, then.”

“I can carry it myself.”

Keisuke protested, but Seiichi, smiling, waved it off with a simple “It’s fine.” There was something strange about the whole situation, but Keisuke didn’t dwell on it as they walked toward the parking lot. What shocked him was the car Seiichi had driven. It wasn’t the sporty car he remembered, but a plain white company vehicle with the firm’s name printed on the side. Seiichi noticed Keisuke’s gaze and looked embarrassed.

“I’m on a work run. After I drop you off, I have to head back. It’s not the coolest car, but bear with me.”

Keisuke didn’t care about company cars or the model—he really didn’t—but he held his tongue, worried that mentioning it would only make Seiichi feel worse. Instead, he got into the passenger seat in silence. The car smelled faintly of cigarettes. Seiichi hadn’t changed his brand in five years.

“Did the flight have any turbulence?”

Though Seiichi was driving smoothly, he was pressing the accelerator a little too eagerly. It was clear that he was in a rush.

“It was fine. But if you’re short on time, I can take the train. I’ve been to your apartment before, and I can get there myself if you just give me the address.” Keisuke offered.

Seiichi shrugged.

“With your terrible sense of direction? What are you talking about? If I left you alone, I’d be too worried to focus on work. Besides…”

He trailed off, leaving the rest unsaid, and just smiled when Keisuke glanced over, not offering any more explanation.

“You’re not wearing your contacts anymore?” Seiichi asked as they both stared absentmindedly at the ocean passing by the window.

“I lost one,” Keisuke replied.

“Ah,” Seiichi muttered softly, before continuing as if he had just remembered something. “Oh, by the way, my younger brother’s getting married. His girlfriend’s pregnant, so things moved quickly. She’s only twenty, but she’s cute—thin and really pale.”

“Really…”

Keisuke felt the weight of time. Seiichi’s younger brother, who he’d always thought of as a kid, was now getting married. Time had flown by. It was a simple thought, nothing more, but Seiichi hurriedly added, as if worried about how Keisuke might take it:

“Yeah, she’s cute, but if we’re talking beauty, you’re way above her.”

As if mentioning a cute girl would make him jealous. The thought amused Keisuke, and he chuckled softly.

“Just make sure you don’t hit on her. She’s your brother’s fiancée, after all. Besides, you’ve got me.”

It was meant as a joke, but instead of laughing it off, Seiichi looked incredibly pleased, a grin spreading across his face. That expression pricked at something guilty deep inside Keisuke. The sky beyond the windshield was a clear, piercing blue. The autumn sun beamed down directly, forcing Keisuke to close his eyes against the brightness.

“Tired?” Seiichi asked, his voice filled with concern.

“No, it’s just too bright,” Keisuke answered. He kept his eyes closed until they rounded a large curve and the light faded from his face.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The car descended into the underground parking lot of a hotel in the heart of the city. Keisuke had assumed Seiichi had stopped by for work, but when Seiichi said, "Get out," Keisuke tilted his head, puzzled.

As he watched Seiichi’s back at the hotel front desk, Keisuke couldn’t help but feel out of place. The lobby was grand and beautiful, with men and women in suits and others dressed neatly but casually moving about. In contrast, Keisuke stood out in his jeans and faded cotton shirt. When Seiichi returned from the front desk, he handed Keisuke a key card.

“I’m going back to work, but you can relax in this room. There’s still time before dinner, so feel free to go out, but make sure you’re back by six.”

“Why?” Keisuke asked.

Seiichi shrugged and smiled. “You’re slow to catch on. We’re having dinner and staying here tonight. The porter over there will take your bag up for you. I’ll see you later.”

With that, Seiichi left, leaving only the porter with his polite, professional smile by Keisuke’s side.

Keisuke was shown to a large room on the top floor. In the middle of the room was a set of sofas in muted tones, and on the table sat a wicker basket overflowing with fruit. Keisuke couldn’t quite grasp why Seiichi had gone to the trouble of renting such an extravagant room—one that could easily be called a suite. He sank into the sofa, which seemed to swallow him whole. He had no desire to go anywhere and, without even feeling particularly tired, lay down on the comfortable couch and closed his eyes.

The sound of repeated knocking woke him. Rubbing his eyes, he realized the room had become surprisingly dark. Panicking, he checked his watch—it was ten minutes past six. The knocking continued, and he hurried to the door. When he opened it, Seiichi let out a breath of relief.

“Finally. I thought I was locked out.”

“Sorry…”

Seiichi suddenly lifted Keisuke’s chin, tilting his face up.

“You were asleep. Your eyes are puffy.”

“Yeah,” Keisuke nodded, still groggy. Seiichi laughed and hugged him, placing a light kiss on his lips before pulling away and heading further into the room. “Come here,” he called, and when Keisuke followed, he found Seiichi retrieving a suit from the walk-in closet.

“Change into this,” Seiichi said, handing Keisuke a stylish, subdued-colored suit.

“It’s a hotel dinner, so we should dress up a bit.”

“Oh, uh, okay, but this…”

“The dinner’s at six-thirty. Hurry up.”

Rushed by Seiichi, Keisuke started to change. Struggling with the unusual tie, he found Seiichi stepping in to help. Seiichi, now dressed in a sleek, tailored suit that was clearly not for work, looked so well put together that Keisuke couldn’t help but stare. He knew Seiichi was good-looking, but seeing him like this was something else.

When Seiichi finished adjusting the tie, he reached for Keisuke’s hair, fixing it neatly, making him look more polished. Then, abruptly, Seiichi removed Keisuke’s glasses. Keisuke’s vision blurred for a moment before Seiichi placed another pair of glasses on his face—thin, rimless ones that weren’t his own.

“Do the lenses fit?”

“A bit off.”

Although the vision was slightly fuzzy, it wasn’t enough to cause any issues.

“It might be inconvenient, but just wear those glasses for dinner, okay?” Seiichi said, knowing full well that he didn’t like Keisuke’s usual black-framed glasses.

“Sure,” Keisuke agreed, putting the delicate glasses back on. When Seiichi pulled him in front of the full-length mirror, Keisuke hardly recognized himself. The person staring back was someone unfamiliar, someone he couldn’t immediately identify.

“Looking pretty good, right?” Seiichi said, smiling contentedly at their reflection in the mirror. Clearly pleased with his handiwork, Seiichi took Keisuke’s hand and said, “Let’s go.” As they walked, Keisuke thought to himself, I feel like a dress-up doll. He chuckled inwardly, relieved that at least he wasn’t being made to wear women’s clothes.

The restaurant had been reserved in advance. When Seiichi gave his name, they were escorted to a table by the window with a great view. The sun was just setting, and the sky was painted in deep orange hues, not yet night but no longer day. Keisuke was captivated by the twilight between the tall buildings, and as he gazed at the fading sunlight, the first course was brought to the table. Though he struggled a bit with the unfamiliar cutlery, the food was undeniably delicious. When he said, “This is really good,” the man sitting across from him smiled with genuine happiness.

“So, why are we staying here tonight?” Keisuke asked, looking up from his plate as he cut into his main dish, a piece of meat. Seiichi tilted his head slightly.

“Because you’re here,” he replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“But just because I came, why…”

Seiichi placed his knife and fork on his plate, the soft clink of metal against ceramic barely audible.

“Isn’t it important to mark the occasion? Good food, a beautiful place to stay—sometimes that’s just what you need,” Seiichi said with a smile.

It didn’t seem like an occasion worth calling a “celebration.” All Keisuke had done was take a flight with the ticket Seiichi had sent him. Though a part of him thought that Seiichi didn’t need to go to such lengths, Keisuke knew that saying so would diminish Seiichi’s thoughtful gesture. Feeling slightly awkward but determined to appreciate the moment, Keisuke decided to simply enjoy the evening.

After a leisurely dinner, they returned to the room, where a breathtaking night view greeted them. The headlights of cars on the roads below sparkled like jewels. Seiichi, looking unusually serious, took Keisuke’s left hand. His fingers trembled slightly as he tried to slide a ring onto Keisuke’s fourth finger. Seiichi clicked his tongue in frustration at his unsteady hands. The simple silver band shimmered like the city lights outside.

“Put one on me, too.”

Keisuke was handed a ring. For a moment, he hesitated, wondering if it was really okay to do something like this. They weren’t in a church or standing before a god. But if it was what Seiichi wanted, Keisuke complied, slipping the ring onto the finger offered to him. The ring on Seiichi’s hand sparkled just as brightly. Then, Seiichi tilted Keisuke’s chin up with his fingers, pressing a light kiss to his lips, a gesture that felt almost like a vow.

“Let’s be together forever.”

Seiichi’s gaze burned into him, making Keisuke’s entire body heat up. He was pulled into a tight embrace, then lifted and carried to the bedroom. The clothes Seiichi had so carefully dressed him in were now slowly peeled away by the same hands.

This time, Seiichi’s touch was different—so slow, so gentle. It felt good in a way that was unexpected. His fingers moved with a delicacy, as if handling someone precious for the first time, and Keisuke couldn’t help but feel confused, though the sensations were undeniable. The act stretched on, sweet and almost dreamlike, lasting so long that it made Keisuke dizzy with pleasure. The weight of Seiichi’s body behind him, the odd but comforting sensation of their rings brushing against each other—it all felt surreal.

Even as Seiichi remained inside him, Keisuke drifted into sleep, the pleasure overwhelming him. Somewhere between dreams and reality, he felt Seiichi’s fingers tenderly stroking his skin, a touch so gentle that it brought tears to his eyes.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

In his dream, his wife and child appeared. It was a memory from a time when he had believed without question that such days would go on forever. They had gone to the beach as a family, bringing along their young son. The beach was empty, as it was late in the autumn. Emi and Takayuki played by the water’s edge. He remembered the soaked hem of Emi’s skirt and Takayuki’s tear-streaked face as he cried, saying the saltwater stung. "We’ll head back to the car," Emi had said, and then the sight of his wife and child walking away disappeared in an instant. When he turned back, the beach stretched endlessly, like a desert.

He woke up feeling lonely. Even though he had been loved so deeply just hours before, he couldn’t understand why he had dreamed such a thing. But once a dream comes, there’s no helping it.

The warmth of the man who had loved him felt so incredibly comforting, almost overwhelming. Even though he knew this happiness might not last forever, right now he felt completely satisfied. So why did memories of his wife and child flash through his dreams? Was it his subconscious trying to tell him that the happiness he felt now was fleeting?

He saw the ring on the left hand of the man holding him. He had the same ring on his own finger. For some reason, it scared him. He wondered what it would feel like if he pulled it off and threw it out the window, into the night sky that framed the city lights. But even as the thought crossed his mind, he knew he could never do something like that.

By mid-morning, they left the hotel and got into the car—another company car. After driving for about thirty minutes, they stopped in front of an apartment building. It wasn’t the same apartment Seiichi had lived in before.

“You moved?” Keisuke asked.

“Just recently. It’s unit 508. Feel free to get settled in, and if you have time, could you unpack some of my stuff, too? There are a few boxes I haven’t gotten to yet. I’ll be back by the evening after work,” Seiichi said, handing him the keys before leaving a lingering kiss on Keisuke’s lips and driving off.

After watching the car disappear, Keisuke entered the building. The entrance was spacious, and straight ahead was an eight-tatami mat living room. The apartment faced south, so it was bright and airy, but the space felt surprisingly empty. In one corner, cardboard boxes were stacked haphazardly, and the kitchen didn’t even have a single cup. It was clear that Seiichi had only recently moved in. Though the room looked clean at first glance, dust clung to Keisuke’s socks as he walked. His own belongings amounted to just one sports bag, so it didn’t take more than ten minutes to unpack. After that, he used an old shirt from the bag as a rag and started cleaning.

Once the floors were spotless, Keisuke opened the boxes in the corner. He sorted through the disorganized contents—dishes, books, and other miscellaneous items. He placed clothes in the bedroom closet, dishes in the kitchen, and books on the built-in shelves in the living room.

By the time he finished organizing the eight boxes, the room had grown dim. Seiichi had said he would be back in the evening. Keisuke wasn’t sure how reliable that promise was, but he didn’t want Seiichi to come home hungry, so he stepped outside. He asked a passing woman, who looked to be in her late fifties, if there was a grocery store nearby. She initially looked at him suspiciously but relaxed when he explained that he had just moved into the building. She gave him directions and said, “I’m envious that you moved into a condo. Those units are quite expensive, aren’t they?” She sighed as she glanced up at the building.

“Wait, this place isn’t a rental?” Keisuke asked, surprised.

The woman furrowed her brow, said nothing, and walked away. Keisuke realized she must have found it odd that he didn’t even know whether the place was a rental, despite living there. He followed her directions and found a small supermarket where he picked up a few groceries before heading back to the apartment while it was still light out. The area seemed convenient, with a nearby station and a pleasant atmosphere. On his way back, he stopped by a bookstore and bought a job information magazine.

He was about to plate the food when he heard a clattering sound from the front door. Glancing at the watch he had left on the edge of the built-in cabinet, he saw it was 7 p.m.

“I’m home.”

Seiichi’s voice called out to Keisuke from the kitchen, and Seiichi approached. Their hug turned into a long kiss, and they almost tumbled into bed, but Keisuke’s dirty hands brought him back to reality. Seiichi seemed to catch himself too, and they managed to focus on having dinner instead.

Since there was no table yet, they spread out a large cloth—originally a sofa cover—on the floor and laid the dishes on top of it. The contrast between this casual meal and the formal dinner they’d had the night before couldn’t have been starker, but in a way, it was kind of fun.

After dinner, as Keisuke was still in the middle of cleaning up, Seiichi grabbed his arm and led him into the bedroom. Keisuke thought they might have sex, but he was wrong. Instead, Seiichi handed him something pulled from the bedside table: a bankbook and a personal seal.

“These are mine, but from now on, you’ll be managing them,” Seiichi said.

Keisuke was utterly shocked at this suggestion. As Seiichi loosened his tie, he flashed a grin.

“You ran an inn before, right? You’re good at handling this kind of stuff.”

“But this is your money,” Keisuke protested.

Seiichi hung up his suit jacket and tie, then sat down heavily on the bed.

“Either way, someone has to manage it. And you’re obviously better suited than me. The payment for this apartment is deducted directly from my salary, so there’s not much to manage anyway. Don’t be surprised when you see how little there is. Oh, and you can decide how much of an allowance I get, too.”

“But…”

Keisuke couldn’t make sense of why Seiichi was asking him to do this. Seiichi suddenly stood up, closing the space between them, his fingers brushing Keisuke’s hair. He pulled Keisuke into his chest, the scent of sweat filling the small gap between them.

“Isn’t it kind of like being the wife when you’re the one in charge of the money?” Seiichi’s face drew closer.

Keisuke must have made an awkward expression, because Seiichi noticed immediately. “You don’t like that? Sorry if that rubbed you the wrong way.”

Keisuke was even more confused now.

“It’s not like I mind being the ‘wife,’ but it’d feel like a horror movie or something,” Seiichi joked.

At that, Keisuke couldn’t help but imagine Seiichi as a newlywed wife wearing an apron, and the thought made him burst into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Seiichi asked, frowning slightly.

“It’s just… funny,” Keisuke replied, still chuckling.

“What’s funny?” Seiichi pressed.

After hesitating for a moment, Keisuke said, “I was imagining you as a newlywed wife.”

Seiichi furrowed his brow even deeper, but that only made his expression even more comical, causing Keisuke to laugh again. “You little—” Seiichi lightly tapped Keisuke on the back, then pulled him into a hug. They embraced without words, and slowly began undressing each other. The warmth of Seiichi’s skin against his own made Keisuke’s heart swell, and he found joy in being taken. Seiichi held him as if he were something fragile, gently, tenderly, and that tenderness brought a deep ache to Keisuke’s chest. As much as he loved Seiichi’s gentle touch, a part of him longed for something rougher, though he couldn’t understand why.

Afterwards, they showered together. It was something that would have been unthinkable with the old Seiichi. But now, Seiichi washed Keisuke’s body and hair with care, and as the touch became too much to resist, they gave in to desire again, even there. Keisuke accepted Seiichi’s need, his own voice echoing through the small bathroom as he lost himself in the heat of the moment. Seiichi carried him back to bed, where they exchanged kisses that felt like soft, unspoken promises. Like playful kittens, they tangled together, eventually falling into a light doze.

Keisuke felt happy being loved, being touched. It felt good. Seiichi’s eyes, always so gentle, were fixed only on him. And yet… there was a sadness to it. The knowledge that this happiness was only temporary, that an end was lurking somewhere, made Keisuke’s heart ache. Even with all this pleasure, a sense of finality hid in the background.

The sadness was gradually overtaken by drowsiness, and Keisuke gently held Seiichi’s left hand, his silent charm, close to his chest as he drifted off to sleep.

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