COLD HEART in NEWYORK: Chapter 7

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He had fallen asleep as though unconscious, and when he woke, Akizawa was lying beside him, breathing softly in sleep. The curtains swelled with light—perhaps it was a bright day outside.

His whole body hurt. His hands… wouldn’t move. Why… he began to wonder—and then, like a flood, the memories of yesterday surged back.

The forced acts, with his resistance completely bound. Sex like violence. His body used like a toy by men whose faces he didn’t even know. The high-pitched voice, the low voice—taunting him. He remembered them both penetrating him at once, and his body began trembling uncontrollably. That almost-lethal pain came vividly back to him. Just shifting a little made his rear throb with sharp, pulsing aches. As if to tell him it hadn’t been a nightmare—it had really happened.

His jaw… it hurt too. They’d forced him to suck them over and over again. Those filthy things, over and over again. His nipples and penis, touched incessantly despite not feeling a thing, were now red and swollen.

Tears spilled forth. Heavy drops, one after another. I want to wash. I want to be clean. He wanted to rinse away all of their semen. And then sleep—sleep without having to think about anything anymore.

A ringtone echoed through the stillness of the room. It wasn’t even his, yet Kusuda flinched.

“Ugh… shut up already…”

The man lying beside him—Akizawa—reached out for the phone that had been lying on the floor.

“…I said don’t call me again… What? Where am I? At home. …Shooting? What time is it?”

Akizawa ran a hand roughly through his hair. After a short exchange, the call ended.

“Nine, huh… don’t wanna go to work…”

Grumbling, he got up and pulled on the underwear and pants he’d discarded earlier. He ran his fingers through his hair to smooth it down.

“…Untie me.”

The words scraped weakly from Kusuda’s throat. Akizawa smiled brightly and said, “Oh, good morning,” before crouching down and bringing his face close. Their lips touched. When Kusuda turned his face away, both of Akizawa’s hands clamped down, holding his head in place.

"I... no..."

"It's just a few hours."

Akizawa's gaze fell on Kusuda's naked body. His neck, chest, sides, penis, and thighs... his body was dirty with someone else's semen, and Akizawa looked at him with a teasing gaze.

His penis was grasped, and it hurt, making him cry out. Akizawa's eyes sparkled with pleasure.

"It's red and erotic... Naked Masahiko is really sexy. I want to look at you like this forever... You can be naked in front of me anytime... just in front of me, though."

After kissing the sensitive tip of Kusuda's penis, Akizawa left. Kusuda was alone, tied up and thrown on the floor. This was how Akizawa treated his lover? It was like he was a toy. Akizawa might like him, but he was rough and violent...

Kusuda slowly turned his body over, and a sharp pain shot through his waist, making him groan and close his eyes. His anus hurt, and it wasn't just the surface - it was throbbing from the inside.

He wanted to go home. He didn't want to wait for Akizawa. He tried to stand up, but it was no use. He thought about moving on all fours, but his hip joints were numb, and his knees hurt when he put weight on them. Yesterday, he had been forced to open his legs and endure unnatural positions, and the pain came flooding back.

He crawled across the floor like a worm, but the pain was almost too much to bear. He just wanted it to stop, to escape the agony and humiliation. If only he had his smartphone nearby, he could call for help... but who would he call? And how could he show his pitiful, naked, and bound state to anyone?

Kusuda's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. He heard the sound of the key turning, and the door creaking open. The angle of the sunlight coming through the window had changed, and the room was hot and humid. A faint sweat had broken out all over his body.

His head was foggy, and his body felt heavy. He was shaking all over, and he felt cold, despite the heat. It was September, and the residual summer heat was still intense, but he felt a chill run down his spine.

The sound of the door opening was followed by the sound of footsteps. Akizawa had returned. It must be past noon by now. Finally, Kusuda's arms would be untied, and he could go home. Finally... finally...

"What is this?" a voice came from the hallway. It wasn't Akizawa.

"Why is the entrance so dirty? Can't that guy even clean up after himself?" The voice was complaining, and Kusuda recognized it as belonging to his manager, Numata. A cold sweat broke out all over his body as he was suddenly snapped back to reality.

Don't come in! I don't want to be seen like this. I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to. There was nothing to hide behind, and he couldn't escape. The footsteps were getting closer. Please, don't come in!

Kusuda held his breath and tried to remain silent, but it was no use. The footsteps entered the room with a sense of urgency. Kusuda curled up and closed his eyes.

"...huh?" Numata's voice was filled with confusion. He must have seen Kusuda. The footsteps stopped, and Kusuda could imagine the look of shock on Numata's face. Anyone would be surprised to see a naked, bound man in their son's room.

"Who are you?" Numata's voice was laced with anger. Kusuda's body trembled.

"What are you doing in this room?" The words cut through Kusuda like a knife. He couldn't speak.

"I'm asking you what you're doing! If you don't answer, I'll throw you out as you are!" Kusuda was mortified and wanted to die.

"...s-sorry..." Kusuda managed to stammer out a weak apology.

"Please... untie me. I... I couldn't get out..."

Numata fell silent.

"Are you... Kusuda-san?" Kusuda's eyes widened in horror. This was the worst possible scenario. He squeezed his eyes shut.

The footsteps approached, and the tie that bound Kusuda's hands behind his back was loosened. Even after being freed, Kusuda's shoulders remained stiff and painful from being tied up for so long. As he tried to get up from his prone position, his hands felt numb and weak.

"What happened to you?" Numata's voice was still cautious, but it had softened slightly now that he knew Kusuda. Kusuda turned onto his side, wincing in pain as he struggled to sit up. There was nothing nearby to cover himself with, so he used his hands to hide his groin and looked down.

"Please explain what's going on," Numata said.

Kusuda couldn't speak. He didn't want to tell Numata about being raped by two men and Akizawa all night. But since Numata had already seen him in this state, he had to come up with an explanation that would make sense.

"I... I was just playing a game," Kusuda forced out.

"...It's just that... we were playing this kind of game. Akizawa-san went to work, and I... I was left to watch the place..."

Kusuda's head was spinning, and he felt dizzy. Numata's sigh cut through him like a knife.

"I'm sorry to show you such a shameful sight. I'll leave right away. Sorry, sorry..."

Kusuda remembered that his clothes were probably in the bedroom. Using the sofa for support, he managed to stand up, but a sharp pain shot through his lower body, and he doubled over. A gushing sound followed, and something leaked out from between his legs. His thighs turned bright red, and a large amount of blood dripped down, falling to the floor with a splatting sound. As soon as he saw the blood, Kusuda's body went cold, and his vision began to darken.

"Kusuda-san!" Numata exclaimed.

Kusuda's knees buckled, and he collapsed onto the sofa, his body crashing to the floor.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The insides of his eyelids were bright. Slowly, he opened his eyes. The ceiling was white. Pure white. A long fluorescent light glared overhead. He moved his gaze. It was a very small room, partitioned by pale green curtains. Drops of IV fluid, the color of orange juice, plopped one by one into the tube. A hospital…?

“Oh, you’re awake.”

The face that came into view—Masamitsu.

“Ah… I…”

He’d gone to Akizawa’s apartment. He’d been tied up… and then Numata had… Along with the rising tide of humiliation, everything came rushing back like a film on fast-forward.

“You’re not feeling too bad, are you? You’ve got a bit of a fever, but once the IV finishes, the doctor says you’re okay to go home. Should be another hour or so.”

Masamitsu’s face looked different than usual. Why was he looking at him with such a troubled expression?

“You okay?”

It was Tohru’s voice. He was nearby? But Kusuda couldn’t see him. As he tried to lift his upper body using his abdominal muscles, a sharp pain shot through his waist.

“Ah—ow!”

“Hey! Don’t try to move all of a sudden.”

Masamitsu’s panicked voice echoed, thudding in his head. He couldn’t stay sitting upright and curled back over onto his side.

“The outside and inside of your anus were both torn a little. Not bad enough to need stitches, but the doctor said you should stay rested at home for a couple days.”

Masamitsu gently stroked his shoulder. And in that instant, the sensation of fingers in the dark came rushing back—fingers that had grabbed his nipples roughly, clutched his scrotum, forced him open from behind, and violated him. Something surged from the pit of his stomach.

“Ugh… guh—”

He gagged violently, clapping both hands over his mouth.

“Wha—are you about to puke?”

Tohru’s voice was worried, but out of view, and Masamitsu hovered, unsure of what to do. A trash can was suddenly thrust in front of him. Kusuda snatched it and shoved his face into it to throw up.

The sour taste of vomit numbed his tongue, and with it returned the bitter aftertaste of semen. He’d been forced to suck them off—men whose faces he didn’t even know. He’d been made to swallow it. It was disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. The nausea came again, and he gagged hard.

“Should we call the doctor?”

Masamitsu was rubbing his back, but the feeling made Kusuda’s skin crawl. He knew it was different from that, but he couldn’t stop his reaction.

“D-Don’t touch me.”

He shoved Masamitsu’s hand away and threw up again. A nurse came in, cleaned the trash can, and handed him a new plastic bag. A young doctor appeared and asked, “Is your head hurting?”

“There wasn’t anything abnormal on the CT scan,” the doctor explained, “but with head injuries, bleeding can sometimes appear later. If you feel unwell, don’t hesitate to call us.”

Why the head… Kusuda thought—and remembered. Right, Akizawa had hit him. He touched his temple and found it swollen and tender.

After the doctor and nurse left, Tohru, standing by the head of the bed, asked, “Who hit you?” Kusuda swallowed hard.

“I fell and hit it.”

“Akizawa hit you, didn’t he?”

His body trembled. He couldn’t look either of them in the face.

“His manager said they found you tied up, naked, and sprawled on the floor of Akizawa’s apartment.”

“Takahisa-kun, this really isn’t the time—can’t it wait? Masahiko’s exhausted tonight…”

Masamitsu tried to interrupt, but Tohru didn’t stop.

“The doctor said your injuries down there were pretty bad. He also said you might’ve been sexually assaulted. There were marks around your neck too, like someone strangled you. What the hell did Akizawa do to you?”

“N-nothing happened…”

He shook his head, and Tohru grabbed his arm. A wave of terror rushed over him, and goosebumps rose across his skin.

“L-Let go of me! This has nothing to do with you! Why are you even here? Just go home!”

“Masahiko!”

Perhaps out of consideration for the fact they were in a hospital, Masamitsu’s voice lowered as he gently tried to soothe him.

“When Numata-san contacted me saying he was taking you to the hospital, Takahisa-kun happened to be at our office. He was worried and insisted on coming along.”

Tohru’s fingers dug into his arm. It hurt. And with it came the memories—repeating violence. Hands, hands, hands, entangling his whole body. I don’t want this anymore. Help me… The moment the thought surfaced, nausea welled up again. He vomited into the plastic bag. Even though there was nothing left, he kept throwing up. …Tears began to fall.

Though the nausea eventually settled, his mood remained at rock bottom. Even without saying anything… they must know. From the wounds on his backside, they must know what was done to him—what he did… Pathetic. Shameful… Humiliating, humiliating. I just want to die… be killed.

There was a knock at the door. Masamitsu turned around and answered, “Yes,” followed by, “Numata here, excuse me,” and the sound of the door opening. Footsteps approached, and a curtain was gently pulled back. The moment their eyes met, Kusuda averted his gaze awkwardly.

“Ah, so he’s awake. That’s good.”

There was a note of relief in Numata’s voice.

“Thank you for coming. How is Akizawa-kun doing?”

The moment Masamitsu said Akizawa, Kusuda’s shoulders gave a sharp twitch.

“The surgery is over, but it seems the anesthesia hasn’t fully worn off. He woke up once, but he’s sleeping again now.”

Surgery… anesthesia? Kusuda looked up at Numata’s face.

“…Did something happen to Akizawa-san?”

None of the three answered. Their gazes shifted between each other, and in the end, it was Numata who opened his mouth.

“Akizawa was hit by a motorcycle while trying to cross a crosswalk. Fortunately, his life isn’t in danger, but he suffered a complex fracture in his right leg and underwent emergency surgery here at this hospital.”

Injured... Kusuda processed the fact, but somehow, he couldn't feel anything like sympathy. Pity—the word didn’t come to him.

“This morning’s job ran longer than expected, and Akizawa was irritated. Then, on his way home after the shoot, he got into the accident. According to the driver, Akizawa was rushing to cross at a red light. Do you know if there was any reason he was in such a hurry to get home—perhaps something to do with you being at his place?”

I… can’t say. I don’t want to say.

“It’s simple,” Tohru cut in bluntly. “The idiot pervert actor locked a guy up and raped him. That’s all there is to it.”

Kusuda gasped. Numata’s cheeks went stiff with tension.

“But… Kusuda-san said at the time, ‘This is just play,’ didn’t he?”

“That kind of ‘play’ doesn’t result in those kinds of injuries!”

“Maybe he got too excited and didn’t know when to stop.”

The two men exchanged barbed words, tension crackling like sparks between them.

“Your idiot actor is violent and completely unhinged. Don’t tell me you haven’t suspected that he did something?”

“Kusuda-san.”

Numata stepped up beside the bed.

“When I entered the room, you said, ‘It’s just a game,’ didn’t you?”

He couldn’t speak.

“That it was just an adult game that went too far, and both of you were just a little careless—that was all, wasn’t it?”

Those words turned against him, accusing. What… am I supposed to do? I don’t want to say what was done to me. So maybe… it’s easier to say it was mutual…

“Can I say something?”

Masamitsu, who had been silent until now, finally entered the conversation.

“We’re only hearing one side of this story—that’s not fair. I think we should wait until Akizawa-san’s condition stabilizes and then discuss this again properly—”

“No, I don’t want that!”

The words burst out of him before he could stop them. If he was allowed to speak, he’d blurt it all out without a second thought for anyone’s dignity or pride—He’d really say something like ‘I made Masahiko have sex with two other guys.’

“I have nothing more to say. Just like I said before, it was a game that went too far. That’s all. So please don’t tell Akizawa-san I was even brought to the hospital. Please. I’m begging you…”

"Calm down!" Masamitsu snapped sharply, cutting him off.

“Honestly, I don’t understand any of this. I get a call out of nowhere saying you’ve been brought to a hospital, I rush over in a panic—and then I hear your lower half is seriously injured, and I’m shocked, wondering how something like that could happen to a guy. Then as I listen to more and more of it, I start remembering how you two were arguing at work… It might be embarrassing for you, but this is violence. Even if you both agreed to it at the time, it’s still violence. That’s why I want to talk about it properly.”

“…Yes, that’s true,” Numata responded with a detached tone.

“If we’re going to be talking about pressing charges against Akizawa, we need to get the facts straight.”

And what happens once they know the facts? What will that fix? All it’ll do is expose how deranged Akizawa really is. When Kusuda tried to end things, Akizawa hit him and nearly killed him. And when he refused to take him back, he went and let two total strangers rape his boyfriend under some twisted logic of “balance.”

How is anyone supposed to have a reasonable conversation with a man like that?

…Akizawa had been injured. He wouldn’t be moving around for a while. But… once he got better, he’d come clinging back again—start pestering him for sex, forcing his body open whether he wanted it or not.
I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to have sex with him. I’m scared.

What do you want to do from here?

Kusuda asked himself.

I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want to see his face. I don’t want to hear his voice. I don’t care if he apologizes. I don’t care about that anymore. I just want him to never have anything to do with me again.

If only he had died in that accident, all my problems would’ve disappeared. Then again, I almost died too. If that hit had landed just a bit differently, if he’d squeezed my throat a bit tighter, I might’ve died too. But I didn’t. And as long as neither of us dies, this relationship will never truly end, will it?

“…We… were dating.”

He opened his mouth, because he wanted this to end.

“Akizawa-san and I… even though we’re both men, we were in a relationship.”

He bowed his head low so that none of them—Numata, Masamitsu, or Tohru—could see his face.

“We were just dating, like any normal couple. But as time went on, I started to realize we didn’t think the same way. I didn’t think I could stay with him, so I told him I wanted to break up. I knew what kind of personality he had, so I figured it would get messy.”

Someone let out a sigh—but whose, he couldn’t tell. It stung, anyway.

“When I brought it up, Akizawa-san stayed pretty calm… or at least he seemed that way. So I thought he understood, and I turned to leave—and that’s when he hit me. I blacked out. After that… a bunch of things happened.”

He trailed off, keeping it vague. There was no way he’d ever say aloud what was actually done to him.

“I just wanted to end things without dragging anyone else into it. I’m sorry it turned into this mess.”

No one said anything.

Not even a nod.

It was such a pathetic little story that there was nothing left to say.

And even saying sorry wasn’t going to fix a thing.

“I love you, Masahiko.”

That cursed phrase echoed in his mind again. Nothing had been resolved. The people around him might have learned the truth, but unless Akizawa changed, nothing would ever truly be resolved. But was Akizawa even capable of change?

“…I understand the circumstances,” Numata said quietly. “Thanks to you selecting Akizawa as the image character for CRUX, he was able to return to the entertainment industry. For that, I’m grateful. …Did you take an interest in Akizawa from the beginning with a physical relationship in mind?”

Kusuda shook his head.

“That’s… not what it was.”

“So it wasn’t a business arrangement that came with physical intimacy, but rather, a romantic relationship. That’s all the more troublesome. That one gets extremely attached…”

What should he do? How could he sever his ties with Akizawa? It might be manageable while the man was bedridden, but eventually… Kusuda lifted his head.

“…Will Akizawa be hospitalized for some time?”

“He’ll need to remain under care for at least three to four weeks,” Numata answered. “The taiga filming is already finished, and since his scenes for other projects are scheduled relatively late, he won’t be removed from the cast, but several other jobs will have to be canceled.”

Kusuda gripped the bedsheet tightly.

“Could you… tell Akizawa that I’m dead?”

Numata’s face clouded with hesitation.

“That’s a bit much, don’t you think? When Akizawa regains his composure, please talk things through with him.”

“You know better than anyone that Akizawa is not someone you can talk things through with,” Kusuda said, forcing himself upright despite the pain in his back.

“I already explained it to him. I told him from the beginning, step by step, why I wanted to break up, why we couldn’t be together anymore. But he wouldn’t understand. Now I do. I understand why he couldn’t.

“Akizawa puts his own feelings first. He doesn’t understand other people’s emotions. He doesn’t know how to care for someone. As long as he feels good, everyone else’s feelings are irrelevant. He pushes his feelings on others without ever realizing that being loved takes effort. He doesn’t try to understand anyone, yet he assumes he understands everything. And if he realizes I’m serious about leaving him… I think he’ll try to kill me.”

Numata’s cheek twitched as he gave a strained laugh. “Surely not…”

“If Akizawa had even a shred of common sense, the breakup wouldn’t have escalated the way it did. And I wouldn’t be here, showing you this pathetic excuse for a human being.”

Akizawa’s nature—Numata, his parent, understood it all too well. That was why he fell silent, unable to say anything. With his arms folded, Masamitsu let out a thoughtful groan.

“I mean, yeah, I’ve heard that Akizawa-san is, well… pretty intense. But realistically, you can’t just go around telling someone they’re dead when they’re very much alive. Even if you could fool him while he’s still in the hospital, once he gets discharged and shows up at the office, the lie’s toast.”

Masahiko looked directly at his brother, clenching his stomach tight.

“…I’m sorry. I’m quitting my job.”

There wasn’t a hint of hesitation in his voice. Masamitsu cried out, “What!?”

“If it means never having to deal with that guy again, I don’t care if it means I have to be dead. I’ll go to Hokkaido, or overseas—somewhere he’ll never find me. That’s best for you too, right, Numata-san? All you’d have to do is lie that I died, and he won’t end up a criminal.”

It was the simplest and most peaceful solution… and yet no one voiced agreement. Why?

“It’s just… the best option, isn’t it?” Masahiko murmured. “He hit me, he raped me… but none of that matters anymore. I don’t even want to press charges. It’s just a messy breakup—ridiculous drama. That’s all this is. I’m a man, after all… so really, it’s fine. It’s all fine now.”

The three of them—all wore the same expression. Bewildered. As if what Masahiko had said were completely unreal. But was it really so far-fetched? No one was going to demand a death certificate or ask to see ashes. If he just vanished from Akizawa’s sight, the lie would become reality.

Silence. In the stillness, he thought. His head was clear now. And he realized—this lie didn’t benefit Numata, or Masamitsu, or Tohru at all. He was trying to use them, just so he could run away. Just to escape Akizawa. The moment he realized that, shame flooded him. He was worse than Akizawa. Pathetic. Filthy.

“…I’m sorry,” he muttered, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

“I mean it. I’m sorry. I’ve caused so much trouble. But… I…”

He bowed his head, unable to meet their eyes.

“This is so incredibly selfish of me, right? I couldn’t handle the breakup, and now I’m asking you all to lie for me. It’s just a burden on everyone else. I wanted to deal with it myself, but things ended up like this…”

His voice trembled. Tears spilled freely.

“…Please… help me. I… I can’t handle him on my own anymore…”

The tears wouldn’t stop. Sobs escaped despite his hand clamped over his mouth, and Masahiko collapsed onto the sheets, crying.

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