B.L.T: Chapter 15

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From his seat by the window, Chihiro watched the drizzle outside. For days now, the weather had been nothing but this faint, misty rain.

The antique-style café, with its old-world atmosphere, usually bustled with students and office ladies around midday. But at two in the afternoon, an awkward time, worsened by the steady rain, it was nearly deserted, leaving only the staff moving quietly within.

Bored of staring at the rain, Chihiro shifted to the counter. Behind it, the café’s master, Takano, lounged with a newspaper. The crisp white shirt, black trousers, and garçon-like classic air suited the distinguished middle-aged man almost absurdly well.

A few years back, when Takano had announced he was quitting his foreign-cap company job to open a café, Chihiro had thought it was a joke. Yet less than a year after saying it aloud, Takano had this place running.

Every detail bore the stamp of his careful attention, his uncompromising coffee, the un-Japanese atmosphere of the interior. That alone was enough to keep customers coming back.

“Not having anyone here… it’s nice, isn’t it,” Chihiro remarked.

Looking up from his paper, Takano rubbed at the beard that only deepened his air of seriousness and smiled.

“I like the mood myself. But if it keeps up, the place will go under.”

“This is just your hobby, anyway. You don’t actually care about profit, do you?”

Takano only gave a wry smile, not bothering to deny it. He lived off the savings from his salaryman days, his stock earnings, and the café’s income. The café probably just broke even, but his investments must have been bringing in plenty.

As far as Chihiro knew, Takano was a man of excessive pride, obsessed with style above all else. Even opening the café had been about creating a space where he could exist as the “cool, refined master.”

And Chihiro didn’t dislike that about him. To maintain something, you needed a certain amount of effort. Compared to people who complained without a shred of principle, Takano had far more backbone.

“By the way, yesterday a man named Maeda from Nisshin Publishing stopped by. Said he wanted to get in touch with you. What should I tell him?”

“Maeda from Nisshin?”

“He said three, four years ago you’d done some book design work for him. They’re launching a new magazine, and he wants to discuss it with you.”

Takano handed Chihiro a business card.

For the past year or so, Chihiro had barely touched his actual work, design. After a former client had abruptly handed his projects to a junior colleague, cutting Chihiro off in the process, his confidence had collapsed. Things with his boyfriend had fallen apart as well, and he’d canceled every job he still had on his plate.

For a freelance graphic designer to unilaterally cancel on clients, that was fatal. He’d lost their trust, and with it, his work.

And no work meant no income. Even if he scraped by on savings, it couldn’t last. It was Takano, his ex, who suggested he pick up shifts at the café when the money worries and the empty hours had begun to eat him alive.

They still had sex now and then. With Takano, it was always satisfying, always comforting. In the past, he’d left Takano because there was something stifling about how perfectly put-together he was. But now, that same sense of security was what soothed him. When it came to body and heart, Takano was probably the best match of any man Chihiro had ever known.

It was possible Takano still thought of him as a lover. And that wouldn’t have been so bad. But there was one thing Chihiro couldn’t shake.

It was about the man he’d broken up with just three months ago. Omiya, a bookshop manager, three years older, unimpressive in every way. Chihiro had dumped Takano to start seeing him, but now he couldn’t even remember what it was that had made Omiya seem better.

He’d only had kindness to offer. Hardly the sort of man to be seen on someone’s arm, and yet for a time Chihiro had been utterly taken with him. For about a year, at least. After that, he grew bored. The same sex, the same conversations, the monotonous rhythm of life, by the end, all it did was make him yawn.

He’d already been picturing the breakup. If someone better came along, he’d switch without a second thought. That was all it meant to him, or so he thought. But when Omiya was the one to say he wanted to end things, Chihiro was shaken to the core, shocked at how badly it rattled him.

He had always been the one to do the leaving. He had never once been left. Coupled with the trouble at work, the blow stripped him of his confidence in one fell swoop.

It was then that he began to cling to Omiya with an unnatural desperation. He found himself terrified, from the bottom of his heart, of losing that man. He even went so far as to attempt suicide.

The man he had nearly destroyed himself to win back, Chihiro tired of him in less than half a year. It was like wanting the toy in a shop window, only to lose interest the moment it was actually his. The passion that had once consumed him vanished like a mirage, replaced with nothing but annoyance.

It was Chihiro who brought up the breakup. Omiya didn’t argue, didn’t say a single word against it, he simply agreed. Chihiro was the first to leave the apartment they’d shared, and after that he never asked where Omiya went. He didn’t care to know.

The only thing he still knew was the bookstore where Omiya worked.

“You’re like a child,” Takano had said, when Chihiro told him he was ending it.

“To grow bored the instant you’ve gotten what you wanted, that’s childish. Still, maybe it’s better to search for someone new, someone who’ll inspire you, instead of clinging to a toy you’ve already tired of. Especially for someone like you, an artist.”

It was Takano who had put into words both the reason Chihiro had clung to Omiya so fiercely, even to the point of risking death, and the reason he had grown tired of him so quickly, almost absurdly so. Once it was said aloud, it felt true, and Chihiro couldn’t help but feel foolish.

“Love is a matter of mood,” Takano had gone on. “And of circumstance. The more obstacles there are, the more it burns, that’s one pattern. So when you clung to Omiya, it was probably just the way various factors lined up. In truth, I don’t think you were ever that deeply in love.”

Chihiro had agreed, and ended it. Yet even afterward, Omiya would slip into his thoughts. He was supposed to be over it, supposed to have been bored enough to walk away, but still, Omiya came to mind. When he admitted this, Takano only laughed.

“You lived together for two years, didn’t you? If you’d forgotten him completely, now that would be frightening.”

Was that so? This lingering ache in the wake of a breakup was something Chihiro had never felt before. In the past, he had always grown disgusted with his partner and never wanted to see their face again.

Now and then, he felt the loneliness of sleeping alone. Only sometimes. And in those moments, he remembered the man who always wanted to touch him, cling to him. He had hated being touched constantly, had left for that very reason. Yet the simple sense of another person’s presence nearby had never been unpleasant.

The door clattered open. Chihiro turned slowly to glance over his shoulder. A man hurried in, jeans and a shirt, a daypack slung over one shoulder. A student, probably, from the nearby university.

“Hello.”

The man smiled brightly and took a seat at the counter. Chihiro slid off his stool, stepping behind the counter to prepare a hand towel and a glass of water.

“Whoa, am I really the only customer here?”

“Ah, yeah. Looks that way.”

He turned. Takano’s voice sounded unusually stiff, and that dissonance caught Chihiro off guard. Their eyes met. A thought crossed his mind.

Takano was openly, unquestionably gay. Even past forty, he was still popular, never lacking for one-night partners. Chihiro had the distinct impression this man might be one of them. It wasn’t as if he and Takano were together anymore, so Takano had no reason to be flustered. But the sight of him so uncharacteristically unsettled was amusing, and Chihiro lingered at the counter even after placing the towel and water before the newcomer.

“Coffee, and… hey, could you make me that sandwich?”

“You mean the BLT?”

“Yeah, that one.”

The man’s face was cute, not beautiful, but undeniably cute. His large eyes drew attention. From the sleeves of his shirt extended slim but supple arms, exactly Takano’s type.

“Hey, could you grab some beer from the storeroom and stock the fridge?” Takano addressed him like an employee. Chihiro knew it was just an excuse to drive him away. So with a composed face, he defied him:

“No.”

“It’s raining. I’ll go later.”

Takano looked troubled. From the side came a small chuckle, “heh”, and when Chihiro turned his gaze, the young man was smiling with his shoulders raised. Their eyes met, and the man beamed at him.

“You a college student?”

“Ah, yes. Third year at M University.”

Around noon, groups of students from that school sometimes drifted in.

“What brings you here today? Don’t see you here often.”

Takano inserted himself into the conversation, as though cutting between Chihiro and the young man.

“I was on campus since morning, but I skipped third period. Can’t go home since I still have fourth, so I was wandering around, and suddenly I just really wanted one of your sandwiches.”

“Third year, huh? You should be starting to get some free time now, shouldn’t you?”

At Takano’s question, the young man furrowed his brow.

“I slacked off at the start, so now it’s all catching up with me.”

Takano laughed, and the boy’s expression grew all the more awkward.

“Don’t laugh, just make me that sandwich.”

Takano disappeared into the back kitchen. The young man pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his daypack and lit one. The boyish face didn’t match the smoke curling around it.

“Smoking’s okay here, right?”

“Yes.”

He must have mistaken Chihiro’s gaze for disapproval. Slowly, Chihiro made a round through the empty café, then returned behind the counter. Takano still hadn’t come back, and the other staff were out on lunch break.

“So, what are you to Takano?”

The question was delivered with a bright smile, direct. Chihiro had expected fumbling or a blush. But contrary to his imagination, the young man’s reaction was dull.

“We don’t really have much to do with each other.”

He didn’t look as if he were lying, nor trying to cover anything. Strange, Chihiro thought. If there was nothing physical between them, why had Takano been so quick to drive him away?

If it wasn’t romance, then prying into Takano’s relationship with him was pointless. Still, since he had raised the subject, it felt necessary to steer the conversation somewhere else.

“Third year means you’ve got to start thinking about jobs, right?”

“Ah, well… yeah, but. I’m not planning on working at some company. I only went to college because my parents told me to.”

A certain lack of responsibility, Chihiro felt it was something peculiar to kids these days.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, the sandwich is ready.”

Takano returned from the kitchen, plate in hand, moving nearly twice as fast as usual. The instant the young man saw the food, his eyes sparkled.

The moment the plate was set down, he grabbed it, devouring the sandwich like a starved child. For all his sweet looks, he was surprisingly rough around the edges.

“What were you two talking about?”

Takano leaned in with a smile, probing right away.

“Talking? About jobs and stuff.”

Mouth still busy, the young man managed an answer.

“Kitazawa, did you already get a job offer?”

So his name was Kitazawa. At Takano’s question, the boy only smiled and shrugged.

“Of course not. Actually, I’m thinking I might head back to Miyazaki after graduation.”

“Miyazaki?”

Chihiro echoed softly, and Kitazawa turned toward him.

“Yeah. My family home’s in Miyazaki.”

“You planning to take over a family business there?” Takano asked.

Kitazawa’s expression shifted, something complicated crossing his face.

“My dad’s just a regular office worker here. Miyazaki’s where his family’s from. After my dad, who had custody, remarried, I ended up living with my grandma there.”

Divorce, remarriage, a child left with relatives, it was the kind of commonplace misfortune that was almost a cliché.

“Ah, sorry, shouldn’t have asked.” Takano lowered his tone.

“It’s fine.”

He brushed it off as if it really didn’t matter. And perhaps, from the sound of his voice, it truly didn’t.

“In Miyazaki, my cousin and younger brother run a scuba diving shop. I was planning to get a job there, but…”

It didn’t seem like he had many reasons holding him back from returning.

“Is it because there’s someone you like, and that’s why you can’t go back?”

At Chihiro’s question, Kitazawa laughed, “hah.”

“Well, yeah, something like that.”

Chihiro had the sense the person Kitazawa liked was a woman. When someone’s gay, they usually size up potential partners right from the start, direct, for better or worse. Kitazawa gave off none of that air, none of that subtle weighing of men.

“Why not just take her back to Miyazaki with you?”

Chihiro shifted his words into a straight-boy’s conversation. Kitazawa muttered, “ah, but…”

“The person I like’s older, you know? Has a serious job, real responsibilities. If that’s the case, then maybe it makes more sense for me to stay here and work instead.”

“Didn’t you just say you weren’t planning to get a job?” Chihiro cut in.

Kitazawa only shrugged.

“I’m not gonna work at a company, but I’ll work. Gotta earn something to live. I figure I could work part-time at a scuba shop here, save up some money, and maybe even get my instructor license.”

Chihiro knew a few friends who did scuba diving. They had invited him along once, but he hadn’t been all that eager. Seeing beautiful things was fine, but the hassle of everything you had to do to get there had turned him off.

“Didn’t know you were into that, Kitazawa,” Takano murmured, sounding impressed.

“Really? I talk about it a lot. I’ve already got a Master Scuba Diver license. But that’s as far as you can go as an amateur. Next step’s a professional license, but it costs a ton.”

“So you must be able to dive pretty deep,” Chihiro said.

Kitazawa grinned broadly, looking smug. “Well, decent enough.”

“Once you’ve been down there, you’re hooked. It’s like another world, really.”

His eyes gleamed as he spoke, entranced.

“Come to think of it, you two have never tried diving, have you?”

Takano shook his head.

“I can’t even swim.”

“You don’t have to swim to dive. If you’re ever interested, just let me know, I’ll set you up with a good shop.”

He seemed like an ordinary kid. Just a regular boy around twenty. Not Chihiro’s type, but there was a certain innocent charm about him. The fact that he didn’t try to flirt in any contrived way made him oddly likable.

“Don’t you dive with your girlfriend?”

At Chihiro’s question, Kitazawa leaned forward eagerly.

“That’s the thing, they don’t have a license yet. So I’m planning to take them down to Miyazaki over summer break. I’ll get them through a two-day crash course, get them certified.”

Kitazawa’s face lit up as he spoke, brimming with happiness.

“I’ve always wanted to dive with them. That’s why I can’t wait for summer vacation.”

A customer came in and took a seat at one of the tables. Chihiro brought over a towel and water, took the order, and returned to the counter. Kitazawa was busy polishing off the last of his sandwich. Takano was at the back counter, brewing an espresso. Chihiro nudged him lightly, lowering his voice so Kitazawa couldn’t hear.

“Too bad, huh.”

“What?”

“That cute kid’s straight. And looks like he’s got a girlfriend, too.”

Takano laughed.

“I don’t like him. I just think he’s cute.”

“Really? He’s right up your alley.”

Takano gave a wry smile as he set the finished espresso on its saucer.

“You were always good at stealing other people’s lovers, weren’t you? Not sure if a straight boy would ever turn your way, but hey, maybe give it a shot.”

The staff member who had been on break returned. Takano patted Chihiro lightly on the shoulder and said, “Go take a break.”

Chihiro told Kitazawa, “Make yourself at home,” and slipped into the back of the shop. He lay down on the sofa in the staff lounge. Even here, Takano’s sense of aesthetics reached into the unseen corners, the lounge was furnished in antiques.

He heard the sound of rain. A steady drizzle. He pulled a business card out of his pocket. Maybe he could try doing design work again. Waiting tables at the café wasn’t bad, but it lacked the joy of creating something.

On a sudden whim, he stepped outside through the back door. Time was a strange thing. Around this time last year, things had been at their worst. He didn’t even want to remember it. And yet a year later, looking back, though he had thrown away both his career in design and his boyfriend, he was here, relatively stable.

He made his way through the overgrown garden, and before realizing it, had circled around to the front. Kitazawa was standing outside the shop. Takano was across from him.

“This is the sandwich you ordered.”

Their voices carried. Chihiro instinctively drew back into the shadow of the trees.

“Thanks.”

“You really seem to like our sandwiches, don’t you?”

“Well, they’re good here.” Kitazawa grinned.

“I didn’t feel like going to fourth period, so I decided to skip. Brought this as a little gift.”

“For your boyfriend?”

“Exactly. Thought if I showed up now, it’d be about snack time.”

Takano shrugged.

“You two are close. Makes me jealous.”

Kitazawa gave a sheepish laugh.

“The sandwich is just an excuse. Talking about scuba earlier made me realize I should set our summer plans in stone.”

“The three-day course to get him certified?”

“Yeah. He’s kinda clumsy, so I think it’ll take him longer than that. But I’ll drill him hard, turn him into a real man, and bring him back with me.”

Takano laughed aloud.

“I need him to love what I love. If it doesn’t work out, fine, but…”

“I think he’ll end up loving it,” Takano said with certainty.

“Think so…?” Kitazawa tilted his head.

“He’ll force himself to, so you won’t dump him.”

From the flow of conversation, it became clear that Kitazawa’s lover was a man. Chihiro had assumed it was a woman, so the realization surprised him.

“Not the purest motive, but whatever.” Kitazawa lifted his gaze to the sky.

“Think the rain will let up soon?”

“Want to take an umbrella?”

“Nah, I’ll just run.”

Kitazawa raked a hand through his bangs. Takano reached out and ruffled his small head, like soothing a child.

“What is it about him that you like so much?”

Kitazawa cocked his head.

“Is he really the kind of guy someone like you should be so crazy about?”

A brief silence passed.

“He’s sly and timid, but he’s earnest. And he loves me a lot, I can tell.”

“You’ll have plenty of people falling for you from here on out.”

“Probably. I’m pretty popular.”

Takano tapped him lightly on the head. Kitazawa playfully ducked back, then suddenly grew serious.

“Feelings aren’t certain things. But he’ll always stay by my side.”

“There’s no way to guarantee that. It might not be him, it might be you who changes.”

“No way.”

Takano folded his arms loosely.

“If someone better came along and tried for you, you might waver.”

“Never. I just know it. Besides, if things ever fell apart with him, I don’t think I’d ever fall in love again.”

“Why not?”

Kitazawa tilted his head, just slightly.

“I don’t know. That’s just how it feels.”

A breeze stirred, making the leaves rustle.

“…I envy you,” Takano said.

“Envy who?”

Kitazawa looked back at him, and Takano laughed.

“You shouldn’t come here anymore.”

“Why not?”

Takano didn’t answer. He just smiled, waved, and said, “See you.” Kitazawa looked as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he left without a word.

Watching Takano stare after Kitazawa, Chihiro felt an unexplainable irritation stir inside him.

“Cute, isn’t he.”

When he spoke, Takano spun around in surprise.

“Chihiro…”

“I thought he was straight. But turns out he’s got a boyfriend.”

“…”

“If you were serious, you could win him over easily, couldn’t you?”

For an instant, Takano’s lips twisted into something like a wry smile.

“I’ll pass.”

“Not much confidence?”

“It’s not that. I just don’t feel like it. I think the stage of life where stealing someone else’s boyfriend seemed fun, that’s already behind me.”

The rain suddenly grew heavier. Together, they ran under the shop’s eaves.

“How long were you listening?”

“The whole time. From the start.”

“That’s why you’re soaked.” Takano brushed Chihiro’s damp hair lightly.

“You catch colds so easily. You need to be careful.”

“I can take care of myself. I was under a tree, anyway.”

Takano’s gaze lingered on him. So strong it felt as if he might be kissed.

“You know, I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world.”

“Now you say that…”

“More than him. More than anyone. Ten years from now, twenty years from now, I’ll still feel the same.”

“You’re acting weird today.”

“Maybe so…” Takano gave a small laugh. “Guess I got swept up in a young man’s pure-heartedness.”

“What are you even talking about.”

He drew Chihiro close by the shoulders and led him back inside. Takano headed for the counter; Chihiro slipped into the staff lounge once more.

He lay down on the sofa and closed his eyes. The boy’s words came back to him: one person was enough to love. But to Chihiro, men were the colors that gave life its variety; a monotonous love held no appeal.

And yet, the thought of being told, even ten years from now, that he was still the most beautiful, it didn’t sound so bad.

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