Cold Light - Chapter 1 - Part 7
The content warning is in the footnotes0.
He thought that Tohru would no longer make
meals for him. But the next day, and the day after that, meals were still
prepared. The only differences were that there were no desserts like cakes
served after meals, and Tohru no longer spoke during meals.
Oddly enough, the meals served, morning and
evening, became increasingly elaborate as the days went by. They were vibrant
and delicious, like something served at a restaurant. In contrast to the
colorful meals, the two who ate them remained completely silent.
Since they didn’t talk, Fujishima couldn’t
understand what Tohru was thinking or planning to do. However, right at the
beginning of July, he noticed a rental housing magazine carelessly left on the
living room table. Sensing that the end was near, he started preparing himself
mentally so he wouldn’t be surprised whenever Tohru finally said, “I’m moving
out.” Every time they ate, he braced himself, wondering if Tohru would say it
that day, but there were no signs of it.
As the last week of July rolled around,
Fujishima finished work early that day. To avoid the crowds near the station,
he took the longer route home along the river. It had been a while since he’d
walked along the riverbank, as he hadn’t gone on a walk with Tohru since they
stopped talking.
As he walked slowly along the paved asphalt, a
warm breeze blew. He passed a person walking a large dog and thought that he’d
seen the dog before. He suddenly remembered Tohru saying, "I like dogs
like that."
When he used to walk with Tohru, he never
thought of this river path as long. They had even crossed the bridge and walked
along the path on the other bank. But now, the one-way walk from the office
felt endless.
There is always an end at some point. However,
ever since Tohru had met his wife and child, that end seemed to have come
sooner. Or perhaps this was for the best. Fewer memories would probably make it
easier for him to move on.
On the other side of the river, sunflowers were
blooming in clusters along the embankment. He stopped and stared intently at
the yellow flowers. With the sun beginning to set, the sunflowers cast in
shadow looked somewhat lonely. Tohru had said they should go camping in the
summer. Although it didn’t seem very realistic to him, Fujishima had genuinely
hoped they could go.
"Fujishima-san."
Startled, he dropped the jacket and bag he was
holding at his feet with a thud.
"Oh, are you alright?"
Tohru stopped his bicycle and picked up
Fujishima’s bag and jacket.
"Sorry for calling out to you suddenly. I
didn’t mean to startle you. But you didn’t seem to notice me following behind
you."
"…I was just lost in thought."
"Sunflowers are beautiful, aren’t
they?"
Taking back his bag, Fujishima replied,
"Yeah, they are." It looked like Tohru was returning from shopping;
the bag on his back was large and bulging.
“You got off work early today?”
“One of my meetings got canceled due to a
scheduling conflict with the client.”
“I see,” Tohru murmured, slowly pushing his
bicycle along. He hadn’t said, “Let’s walk home together,” but Fujishima,
feeling inclined, walked a bit behind him. After a while, Tohru stopped, and
when Fujishima caught up, he started walking again. They walked side by side.
"Do you walk this way often?"
“Not really... just today because the area
around the station was crowded.”
“It’s because of the festival. Since yesterday
evening, they’ve been setting up stalls near the shrine.”
Hearing about the festival from Tohru brought
back vague memories of walking around the festival stalls, holding hands with a
younger Tohru. Dressed in an indigo-dyed kimono, Tohru had pulled Fujishima’s
hand eagerly, saying, “Hurry up, hurry up.” Laughing innocently. That was more
than ten years ago.
“Do you ever take your kid to festivals or
anything, Fujishima-san?”
For a moment, Fujishima thought Tohru was
remembering his past. But then he realized that by “your kid,” Tohru meant his
own child.
“No… I was busy with work, and she was too
young to take to places like that…”
“Hmm…,” Tohru muttered.
“The lady at the vegetable shop said there’d be
fireworks at 8:30 tonight. Apparently, there’ll be quite a lot. …Do you want to
see them?”
Fujishima felt like he was being invited. If he
said he wanted to see them, Tohru would probably say, “Let’s go together.”
“…I’m not good with crowds.”
When he declined indirectly, Tohru lowered his
gaze and said, “I see.” Their conversation came to an end, and they continued
walking in silence.
“…I was going to talk to you about this when we
got back, but I’m thinking of living alone starting next month.”
Hearing this suddenly, although he had
anticipated it, Fujishima couldn’t help but stop walking. Tohru also stopped.
“I found an apartment. It’s cheap, but it’ll
do. It seems the room will be available at the beginning of next month, so I’ll
move in as soon as it’s ready. The old man at 'Port' agreed to be my
guarantor.”
“At least let me be your guarantor—”
“I don’t want to rely on you, Fujishima-san.”
Tohru said, looking directly into Fujishima’s
eyes.
“I feel like I shouldn’t rely on you.”
“But it’ll be hard to live on just your
part-time job at the bakery. Until you have a more stable situation, I could
help—”
“I’ll be fine as long as I don’t waste money.
Besides, I decided to work full-time at the old man’s bakery and learn how to
make cakes from scratch. I’ll start attending a night culinary school next
spring to get my certification.”
Even though Tohru often complained about the
bakery owner, he was fondly looked after by the couple who owned the place. He
seemed to enjoy the work, and he had an interest in making cakes. If that’s the
case, becoming a pastry chef was not a bad path.
“I’m going to be independent. So…
Fujishima-san, you should go back home too.”
Tohru smiled.
“If you don’t go back to your family soon, your
child might forget what you look like.”
Why is he smiling? Fujishima wondered.
“Since I found the apartment two weeks ago, I
knew I had to talk to you. But I couldn’t bring it up. I kept thinking that
once I said it, it would be over… But I can’t keep making her feel lonely
because of my selfishness.”
Tohru’s bicycle creaked.
“I’m going to become the best pastry chef in
Japan. Then, every year on your birthday, I’ll send you a huge cake.”
Looking at Tohru, Fujishima could see his
future. Starting something new and living with a purpose. It was the vision he
had hoped for Tohru. This was how it should be, what he wanted, but still, he
felt unsettled. When Tohru becomes the best in Japan, what will I be doing?
“…I’m looking forward to it.”
His voice echoed loudly in his empty mind.
◇:-:◆:-:◇
As he passed by Tohru’s room, he saw, through a
crack in the open door, a large cardboard box folded up and leaning against the
wall. The presence of such things felt more pressing than the words
"moving out."
Tohru is going to leave. Fujishima now had to
decide what to do with himself. First, he had to pretend to go back to his
family. For that, he needed to move out of here and rent a new apartment. He
wouldn’t tell Tohru his new address. If Tohru visited, he’d see through the lie
immediately. For emergencies, he’d only give Tohru his company and cell phone
numbers. He would only be there to help Tohru if he got into trouble.
Fujishima thought to himself that he was really
going to be alone. He had left his home, mother, and family behind to protect Tohru.
There were no doubts about that. Not a hint of regret. Then what was this
emptiness? This frustration that felt like it was tearing down everything he
had built up?
It’s just going back to how it was, he told
himself. If Tohru hadn’t lost his memory, he wouldn’t have chosen to live with
him. He wouldn’t have fallen in love or confessed his feelings. So, it’s just
going back to the way things were—back to the relationship they had before Tohru
lost his memory.
He thought he should do something—anything.
Fujishima felt this instinctively. Something he could immerse himself in
without having to think too much... Should he read a book? One of those he used
to love? But now, he couldn’t even bring himself to pick one up. He wondered
where the passion he once felt for reading had gone because his heart didn’t
stir in the slightest.
Unable to think of anything else, he threw
himself into his work. He visited more clients than anyone else and secured
contracts. He even skipped his lunch breaks. He just didn't give his mind a
moment’s rest, right up until the moment he fell asleep.
Day after day, he walked around in the
scorching heat until he was exhausted. The humid heat and fatigue robbed him of
his appetite, and more often than not, he would make do with just a can of
coffee for lunch.
“Fujishima-san, are you suffering from summer
fatigue?”
It was the night before Tohru’s move, during
dinner, when he asked this.
“No…”
“You’ve been leaving a lot of food lately. I
thought maybe a light meal would be better if you’ve lost your appetite, so I
made something light today…”
“The food is delicious. Please don’t worry
about me.”
Tohru furrowed his brows in concern.
“But I can’t just ignore it. You’ve been losing
weight every day…”
“I’m always like this in summer.”
He lied. Tohru let out a loud, exasperated
sigh.
“If you’re like this, I’ll be too worried to
leave.”
Even though he knew he was moving soon, he
still said something like that.
“I wanted to send you back to your family
looking full of life, not all thin and frail.”
“Why?”
At Fujishima’s question, Tohru seemed lost for
words and pursed his lips.
“Why, you ask… Well, it’s like I was
‘borrowing’ you, right? So, when I return you, I want to return you properly…”
Am I an "object"? The thought crossed
Fujishima's mind, tinged with irony, but then it vanished. He knew Tohru didn’t
mean any harm. Fujishima picked up his rice bowl again and silently chewed his
rice.
The pale blue bowl he was holding now was one Tohru
had bought. When they first started living here, he had only brought two sets
of dishes and cups, a kettle, and a coffee maker. Over time, pots and dishes
had gradually increased in the house.
“You’ll be taking the dishes with you when you
move, right?”
Tohru lifted his downcast face.
“Oh… yeah. But I’ll leave half of them. It
would be troublesome for you if everything suddenly disappeared.”
“I don’t need them.”
Tohru murmured, “But…” and averted his gaze.
“I see. When you return home, you’ll have your
own, won’t you?”
He didn’t need to confirm it. It was clear
without saying. Now, Tohru would take all the dishes and cooking utensils with
him. Fujishima felt a sense of relief deep down. He didn’t want to see them
left behind after Tohru was gone.
“…Is there anything you’d like to eat?”
After finishing the meal and putting down his
chopsticks, Tohru asked.
“Tomorrow’s dinner will be our last meal
together. I’ll make anything you want, Fujishima-san.”
His words struck a chord in Fujishima's heart.
Last… last... This would be the end of facing each other like this. No, now
wasn't the time to get sentimental; he had to respond. He should think of
something he wanted to eat. But nothing came to mind.
The day after tomorrow, Tohru would be moving
out. If he could continue living without financial difficulty, at his own pace,
he would probably never ask for Fujishima’s help again. If he found someone he
loved and got married, he would build his own family. The love he felt for the
man he had lived with for just a year would be forgotten as a fleeting moment
of confusion. Even if his memories returned, it would be the same. Fujishima
would just become a part of the "past" that Tohru wished to forget.
But Fujishima thought he wouldn’t forget. The
year they lived together. The memory of being told “I love you,” the feeling of
that kiss. Even if those memories became worn out, faded, and meaningless.
“You don’t have to cook dinner tomorrow. You’ll
have things to prepare. I’ll make do on my own.”
Tohru leaned over the table and said, “But…
it’s our last meal—”
“The food was delicious. Thank you for the
meal.”
Leaving Tohru behind, Fujishima returned to his
room. Sitting absent-mindedly on the bed, he wished the day after tomorrow
would come quickly. That way, the time when he would feel the most lonely would
have already passed.
◇:-:◆:-:◇
The day before the move was a Sunday, and
Fujishima had the day off. Tohru returned from his part-time job shortly after
3 p.m. and began preparing to move. He must have been packing little by little
for a long time because even though it was moving day, all that was left to do
was pack the remaining belongings into boxes. It seemed like the early return
from work was due to the consideration of the bakery's wife, who thought,
"You have a lot to prepare."
Seeing Tohru in the kitchen, wrapping his
dishes in newspaper and packing them into boxes, Fujishima asked, “Do you need
help?” but was turned down with, “I can manage on my own.” The atmosphere felt
distant, and he thought it might be better not to be around, so he returned to
his room. With nothing to do, he picked up a book he had bought years ago but
put it back on the shelf after reading just a few pages.
He heard a knock on the door. When he replied, Tohru
said, “Open the door.” When Fujishima opened it as requested, there was Tohru,
holding a large stack of photo books.
“I’m returning these.”
Tohru came in and dumped them in front of the
bookshelf. These were the books Fujishima had brought him when he was in the
hospital.
“I know it’s weird to return something after
receiving it, but I don’t want to take them with me. But I also don’t want to
throw them away… Sorry.”
After apologizing again, Tohru left the room.
After his presence disappeared, Fujishima picked up the top photo book from the
pile left behind.
He must have thought that he didn’t need any
trace of Fujishima in his new life. Fujishima wondered if he should throw all
the photo books away after Tohru left… But he felt he probably wouldn’t be able
to. He brought the book closer to his face, wondering if it still carried Tohru’s
scent.
He heard the sound of the doorbell ringing in
the entrance. There was a voice saying “Coming!” followed by the sound of
footsteps. Knowing Tohru had answered the door, Fujishima didn’t bother
stepping into the hallway.
Suddenly, a shrill voice echoed through the
house. Surprised by the commotion, Fujishima rushed out of his room, only to
see a woman in a kimono screaming at the entrance. A chill ran down his spine.
"You devil!"
The woman, wearing a cool indigo-dyed kimono
perfect for summer, lunged at Tohru. She grabbed him by the collar, and Tohru
stood there, completely stunned.
"Y-you... you’ve turned everything upside
down for us. If you hadn’t deceived and manipulated my kind Keishi, none of
this would have happened..."
With a bewildered expression, Tohru kept
repeating, "Uh, um..."
"It's your fault that the proud 'Nagiryuu brand'
ended up in the hands of some nobody!"
Tohru's mother raised her right hand and
slapped Tohru on his left cheek. With a sharp sound, Tohru fell to the floor,
collapsing into the hallway. Seeing his mother straddling Tohru, Fujishima's
memory overlapped with an image from many years ago of a small child being
disciplined.
"Stop it!"
Fujishima grabbed his mother from behind,
pulling her away from Tohru, and stepped between them. He shielded Tohru with
his back. Pulled away, his mother panted heavily, and when she noticed
Fujishima’s presence, her demon-like expression suddenly softened into a gentle
smile.
"Keishi, you were here all this time. I’ve
been looking everywhere for you."
Her trembling hand reached out, and he
instinctively stepped back. She was nearing fifty, yet still a beautiful woman.
But Fujishima knew that behind that thin veneer was something brutal. She
looked at her frightened son with a pained expression.
"I’m not angry. I won’t be angry, so
please come home. I know everything. I’ve looked into why you did something so
reckless. You were just too kind, that’s all. I understand now, so I’ll forgive
you. Please, it’s time to come home."
Fujishima turned his face away from her sharp, almond-shaped
eyes.
"I-I’m not going back."
"Keishi!"
At her unusually high-pitched and stern voice,
his back tensed reflexively.
"I said I’d forgive you. Do you understand
what it means for me to say I forgive you? Enough of this nonsense!"
His whole body began to tremble. That was the
wedge his mother had driven into him over the years. With a swift motion, she
adjusted her disheveled hair and collar with her pale fingers.
"Listen carefully. If Emi hadn’t told me
she met you in this town, I would never have found you. I came all this way...
You were that scared of me being angry, weren’t you?"
His mother interpreted everything to suit her
own perspective. He hadn’t run away because he was scared of her anger; he ran
away because he wanted to be with Tohru.
"Everyone makes mistakes," she said,
slowly shaking her head. "Just like my first marriage was a mistake.
Things didn’t work out with Emi, but you’re still young. You can start over as
many times as you want. This time, I’ll find someone wonderful for you, and
then you can continue the Fujishima family line..."
The mention of continuing the family line made
him feel dizzy. The fear of a bloodline that followed him no matter how much he
tried to escape was terrifying.
"...I’m not a machine for making
children."
"What nonsense are you saying? That’s just
a given."
She didn’t understand what was obvious to
everyone else. She didn’t understand, yet she still imposed her will.
"Come back home. You really want to come
back, don’t you?"
Fujishima grabbed his mother’s arm with his
trembling hand and led her outside the entrance. He pushed her away, shut the
door, and locked it. He tried to set the chain lock too, but the shrill screams
and the loud pounding on the door unnerved him, and the chain slipped from his
shaking fingers. His hands trembled so much that he couldn’t latch it properly.
Unable to bear the oppressive weight bearing down on him, Fujishima crouched
down at the entrance.
The pounding on the door, the shouting—it
echoed chaotically. Fujishima covered his ears with both hands.
"Open this door! I said open it!"
"N-no, I… I won’t..."
His voice, trying to resist, was weak. He
didn’t want to be swallowed up by his mother again. Even if he had to be
lonely, he’d rather be alone. Even if someone said he’d die tomorrow, he’d
still choose to be alone.
"Um, Fujishima-san..."
In the midst of the storm of screams, he heard Tohru's
voice.
"Are you okay?"
It should have been him asking Tohru if he was
okay, not the other way around. When Fujishima looked up and noticed the
redness on Tohru’s left cheek, his heart ached. He had never wanted his mother
to lay a hand on him again, never wanted him to be hurt… Unsteadily, he got up
and gently touched Tohru’s cheek.
"…Does it hurt?"
Tohru blinked slightly and replied, "Ah…
yeah, but it’s okay."
"It was just a woman’s strength, so it’s
not that bad..."
"I’m sorry."
Fujishima knelt down at the entrance, bowing
his head.
"I’m truly sorry."
"N-no, it’s fine! You don’t need to
apologize that much; please raise your head."
Shouting voices and the sound of fists banging
against the door echoed around his hunched back. It was driving him crazy.
Fujishima slowly stood up and grabbed Tohru’s arm.
"Come with me..."
He led Tohru into the living room, closing the
door behind them. The yelling grew a bit more distant. Fujishima collapsed onto
the sofa and pressed his forehead with his hand.
"…I’m sorry about my mother. She gets
strange ideas in her head and says weird things sometimes."
Tohru didn’t reply. When Fujishima looked up, Tohru
was standing there, looking confused and unsettled.
"She’ll leave eventually, so please just
ignore her. I’m sorry, but could you stay inside until she’s gone? When she
gets worked up, she loses all sense of reason..."
Fujishima slipped past Tohru and returned to
his room. He crawled into bed and covered his ears. His mother’s voice was
intermittently audible. He just kept wishing for her to leave, over and over
again.
After a while, there was a knock on his door.
Without waiting for a reply, the door opened.
“Um…”
Fujishima slowly got up from the bed.
“There was a complaint to the landlord about
the noise at the entrance. I think it was from someone in one of the
neighboring rooms… Should I go out and talk to your mother?”
“N-no, you can’t.”
If left alone with her, Fujishima didn’t know
what his mother might do to Tohru.
“But if we don’t do something, it’ll bother the
neighbors…”
There was nothing he could do. Fujishima stood
up.
“…I’ll talk to her.”
But just before he left the room, Tohru grabbed
his arm and stopped him.
“She knows who I am, doesn’t she?”
His grip tightened.
“She said I made a mess of things…”
“This has nothing to do with you. She’s just
misunderstanding.”
His voice trembled.
“But it’s not completely unrelated, is it?”
He should have denied it immediately. Tohru
seemed to take his silence as confirmation.
“I’ll go talk to her. We can’t just keep
disturbing the neighbors like this.”
Panicking, Fujishima grabbed the hem of Tohru’s
shirt.
“Please, just don’t.”
“But…”
“It’s fine, just please don’t get involved with
my mother.”
“But I’m worried…”
As they were talking, it suddenly got quiet
outside. The two of them held their breath. The hallway was as silent as if
nothing had happened.
“Maybe she’s gone? I’ll take a quick look
outside.”
Fujishima hurriedly stopped Tohru as he tried
to head to the entrance.
“She might have just stopped shouting. She
could still be hiding somewhere…”
“She’s not a child, you know…”
Tohru gave a wry smile.
“I’ll check. So, you just keep packing for the
move.”
Fujishima staggered out into the hallway and
approached the front door. It was quiet outside. He slowly opened the door,
keeping the chain lock on. From the narrow gap he could see, his mother wasn’t
there. It seemed she had really left. He sighed with relief. However, he knew
it was only a matter of time before she came back. Considering this, he felt a
bit fortunate that Tohru was scheduled to move out by tomorrow morning.
But what if his mother came back before Tohru
moved out tomorrow? They had to move his belongings, so they couldn’t stay
locked inside the room until she left, like today. If she confronted Tohru as
he was leaving the apartment, hurled abuse at him, or even grabbed him… The
mere thought sent chills down his spine. He needed to get Tohru out of here as
soon as possible, to somewhere his mother couldn’t reach.
He hadn’t been able to protect a child who was
exposed to unreasonable violence. He hadn’t been able to shield him. He never
wanted to be that coward again.
…Fujishima turned around. There stood Tohru,
now a grown man who could no longer be called a child.
“Can’t you move out sooner?”
Tohru looked puzzled.
“Would it be impossible to move today? I
wouldn’t mind if the fee was extra or if it had to be done at night…”
“Moving companies are busy on weekends as it
is; that’s impossible.”
Fujishima didn’t notice the tone of annoyance
in Tohru’s voice.
“I see… I suppose. But if you’re moving
tomorrow, the utilities at your new place are already on, right? Why not move
there today? I can handle moving the rest of your stuff with the movers…”
“I haven’t received the keys to the new place
yet…”
Moving today seemed impossible. In that case…
Fujishima changed his approach.
“There’s a hotel near the station; why not stay
there tonight? In the morning, you can go straight to your new place. I’ll
cover the hotel costs and arrange for your things here—”
“No!”
Fujishima snapped back to reality at Tohru’s
clear refusal.
“Why do I have to stay at a hotel?”
“Why, you ask…”
“I’m attached to this place too, you know.
Can’t I at least take it easy on my last day here? Why are you suddenly trying
to kick me out like this?”
“That’s not what I meant…”
“Well, that’s how it sounds to me. If there’s a
reason, then explain it to me properly. If I understand, I’ll leave. But if
not, I’m not going anywhere!”
The doorbell rang. Fujishima flinched, grabbing
Tohru’s hand and running down the hallway. They fled into his room, closing the
door behind them. The doorbell rang again after a short pause.
“Aren’t you going to answer?”
Tohru asked.
“I don’t think it’s your mother. It’s probably
the neighbor or the landlord…”
“...No, I’m not answering.”
Fujishima crouched down, leaning against the
door. Tohru sat down beside him. The doorbell rang a third time, but then it
stopped.
“Are you scared of your mother?”
Tohru asked quietly.
“…No…”
“But you’re running away without even trying to
talk to her.”
“Just be quiet, please!”
After shouting, Fujishima realized he was
taking out his frustration and quickly apologized, saying, “…Sorry.” Their
conversation came to an abrupt halt, and silence followed. Suddenly, Tohru
stretched out his legs.
“Your mother, she looks a lot like you. She’s
scary when she’s angry, but she’s beautiful.”
“She’s beautiful on the outside, but inside,
she’s a demon.”
Tohru tilted his head. Realizing how harsh his
words sounded, Fujishima hurriedly added,
“I’m not saying everything about her is bad.
But… there are parts of her I just can’t forgive…”
Fujishima absentmindedly ruffled his hair.
“…I can’t forgive her… and that’s why…”
Suddenly, Tohru grabbed the arm Fujishima was
nervously running through his hair.
“Should I stay at this apartment a little
longer?”
Tohru peered into Fujishima’s face.
“I don’t quite understand, but… should I stay
here until things with your mother settle down?”
“There’s nothing you can do if you stay here.”
Fujishima didn’t notice the hurt look on Tohru’s
face.
“I’d rather you leave here as soon as possible.
I’ll find a new place right away too…”
“…Aren’t you going back?”
At first, Fujishima didn’t understand why Tohru
was pointedly asking about him “going back.”
“You’re looking for an apartment?”
Tohru asked again.
“Uh, yeah. This place is too big…”
“Why are you looking for a new place? You could
just go back to your family, right?”
That’s when Fujishima finally remembered he had
lied about returning to his family.
“Well, the place I was living before is far
from my office, so I thought I’d move somewhere closer…”
“If that’s the case, why not bring your family
here? What you’re saying doesn’t make sense, Fujishima-san.”
His lie was unraveling at the seams.
“Earlier, your mother said something, didn’t
she? About mistakes and getting a second chance. What did she mean?”
“Sh-she’s just mistaken, that’s all…”
“I…”
Tohru pressed his lips together.
“I’d forgotten that you could lie so easily,
like it’s nothing, Fujishima-san.”
Tohru glared at him and then kissed him. It was
a short kiss, so fast that Fujishima had no time to resist.
“I’ll keep kissing you until you tell me the
truth, Fujishima-san.”
“St-stop…”
“If you’re not telling the truth, it must be
because you want to kiss me, so I’ll do just that.”
Just as he said, Tohru kissed him repeatedly.
Even as he protested, Tohru stifled his resistance and continued kissing him
endlessly. There was no time to make excuses, and Fujishima could only manage
to say, in broken words, “Please… listen to me…”
"I don't listen to liars."
It was as if he were a stubborn child.
"Please..."
"If you answer my questions properly, I'll
listen to you."
Finally, the rain of kisses stopped. After
their lips parted, he became acutely aware of the lingering sensation on his
sensitive skin.
"Why did you tell me to hurry and
leave?"
...He couldn't answer.
"Why do you have to find a new
place?"
He kept asking questions to which there were no
answers.
"It's for your own good..."
His words were interrupted.
"You say it's for my sake, but it's not
for me at all. It doesn't make me happy."
"This isn't about being happy or not, it's
about..."
"I..."
He grabbed both of his shoulders firmly.
"I..."
Tohru lowered his gaze. After a moment, he
looked up again.
"...I want to be with you."
His voice was squeezed out from the depths of
his throat. Unable to meet those earnest eyes head-on, he turned his face away.
"I want to be with you forever."
He was pulled close and embraced tightly. With
his nose pressed against Tohru's neck, the man whispered that he loved him.
Fujishima thought he was adorable, endearing even... but he couldn’t bring
himself to hug him back.
"Why did you lie about going back to your
family?"
Tohru asked quietly.
"You didn't deny it, so it was a lie after
all."
Fujishima weakly tried to argue, "It
wasn't a lie..."
"Then call them right now. Call your wife.
Let me talk to her. Let me confirm if you'll really go back home after I move
out."
Tohru's voice didn't sound like he was joking.
"Even if she says you will, I'll tell her.
I'll tell her you've kissed a man dozens of times."
"Tohru!"
"Where's your phone?"
Standing up, Tohru strode over to the desk.
Fujishima clung to his back as he searched around.
"Stop it!"
Finally, Tohru found the phone charging on the
bookshelf and thrust it in front of Fujishima.
"Call her."
He was forcefully handed the phone. Fujishima's
hands trembled violently.
"Hurry!"
"I... I can't..."
Tohru, growing impatient with Fujishima's
reluctance, snatched the phone from his trembling hands.
"What's the number?"
Fujishima shook his head. Tohru shook him by
the shoulders.
"If it's not a lie, prove it. Show me that
much sincerity. You love me, don’t you? Knowing that, I decided to leave. If
it's true that you're going back home, I won't do anything cruel. I won't say a
word about you kissing a man. I have that much sense. So..."
"I can't call her."
Fujishima's voice grew smaller under the
pressure of Tohru's intensity.
"It's not that you can't, it's that you
don't want to!"
Tohru yelled so loudly that it echoed in
Fujishima's ears. His jaw, which had been closed, began to tremble.
"And you don't even know her number?"
Tohru asked, his expression puzzled.
"She said she moved far away... So it
should have changed. All I have is her bank account."
"That doesn't make any sense. Why would
you only have her account?"
"I send child support every month..."
"Are you divorced?" Tohru asked.
Fujishima didn't nod, but Tohru seemed to understand anyway.
"Then why did you lie about going home? If
you love me, why did you tell me to leave? We could stay together. There’s no
problem with that..."
"Of course there’s a problem! You don’t
have your memories!"
Fujishima shouted, trembling.
"You hated me so much, and now you don’t
remember any of it!"
"I can't help that. I forgot."
Tohru's casual remark infuriated Fujishima.
"You wouldn't even talk to me before. Now,
you say you love me, but when your memories return, you'll despise me. You'll
think I deceived you while you were missing your memories."
"I wouldn't think that."
"You might not now, but when your memories
return..."
"Why do you keep talking about when my
memories return? Why can’t you look at who I am 'now'? Do you hate the 'me' of
now? Is it that you can't stand me unless I'm the 'me' from the past?"
Fujishima grew increasingly agitated.
"That's not it. What I'm afraid of
is..."
What was it that scared him?
"Why are you shaking?"
Tohru gently caressed Fujishima's cheek.
"What are you afraid of?"
Fujishima shook his head violently. Tohru
cupped his face with both hands.
"Are you afraid of me?"
Fujishima lowered his head.
"When your memories return, you’ll abandon
me. Everything we've shared will be erased."
It was a prediction he felt certain would come
true.
"So, I don’t want to be loved. I don’t
want memories of being loved."
That was everything. He didn’t want to be
loved, didn’t want to be abandoned, didn’t want a love that he knew would end
in pain. A whisper reached his lowered ears.
"I love you, I love you, I love
you..."
"Don't say anything."
He was held so tightly it felt like his breath
would stop, with Tohru repeatedly whispering "I love you" close to
his ear. Large hands roamed over his back, pulling his shirt out of his pants.
The fingers that touched his bare skin made him shiver as they traced along his
back.
"Stop it..."
Even as he protested, the hands didn't stop.
"No, stop..."
He twisted his body to escape from those
fingers. As he tried to crawl away, Tohru pinned him down from behind. Unable
to move, Fujishima's shirt was pulled up to his chest. His chest was played
with, his nipples becoming hard. Another hand softly crept toward his groin.
"Don't touch me there... Don't touch
me!"
A hot right hand gently grasped Fujishima's
groin. His hips grew heavy, and his member, pleased by the touch, began to heat
up.
"No, no, no!"
Fujishima thrashed wildly. He fought to escape
from those fingers, from that man. He knew it felt good. His honest body was
telling him so. But he didn't want to be touched. He didn't want to know such
pleasure. His flailing hands were gathered above his head. His wrists were
restrained with something.
"Let go of me!"
The man behind him wouldn’t listen. Unable to
resist, his body was at the mercy of those hot fingers, which roamed freely
across his skin. As his body was overwhelmed by pleasure, a hollow feeling rose
from deep within, pushing a wave of sorrow up from his throat. Tears poured
down his face, and Fujishima sobbed uncontrollably. Even as he cried and
begged, "Please stop...", the hands that caressed him did not cease.
"...Even if you cry, I won’t stop."
He was turned onto his back, his tear-streaked
face and erect groin exposed to Tohru's gaze.
"No matter how much you cry and resist, I
won’t stop until I’ve touched everything, until I’ve licked everything."
A fingertip gently brushed the corner of
Fujishima's tearful eye.
"I won't stop..."
As the man loomed over him, Fujishima let out a
particularly large sob, but it was swallowed up by a kiss.
◇:-:◆:-:◇
He was brought to the brink of fainting from
repeated climaxes, until nothing more could come out. He had cried so much that
his eyelids were swollen. His mind was completely overwhelmed, stuffed full as
if his brain had been replaced with cotton, leaving him unable to think at all.
Although his mind was numb, his senses remained
acutely sensitive. Even the brush of the sheets against his thighs sent a
shiver through him. Tohru was gone. He had left the room a while ago. Fujishima
slowly raised his upper body and pressed his right hand to his forehead. All he
could think was, what should I do?
There was a creak, and the door opened. Tohru,
completely naked, approached the bed with a glass in one hand. Fujishima
averted his eyes from the body of the young man who had just made love to him. Tohru
sat down at the edge of the bed, the mattress creaking under his weight.
"Do you want some water?"
He held out the glass in front of him. Seeing
it, Fujishima realized how thirsty he was. He took the glass and drank it down
in one gulp. As he exhaled, Tohru slowly stroked his neck, startling him into
dropping the glass.
"What are you doing?"
Tohru chuckled and picked up the glass that had
rolled onto the sheets, placing it on the side table. Then he crawled onto the
bed. Instinctively, Fujishima pulled his hips back. But Tohru kept getting
closer, until he was cornered against the wall. As Fujishima curled his back, Tohru
whispered into his ear, "I love you, I love you, you're so cute..."
and then asked, "So, what will you do?"
"Are you still going to leave me?"
Fujishima lifted his head.
"You can’t say anymore that you don’t have
memories of me loving you."
Tohru’s fingers teased the limp organ that had
been thoroughly drained earlier.
"Even if you abandon me, this place still remembers me. It will remember how much I sucked
you off, how good it felt."
Fujishima shuddered, pushing away Tohru's
insensitive fingers. The lingering sensation of those caresses all over his
body wasn’t unpleasant, and that made it all the more frustrating.
"You keep saying you’ll abandon me when
your memories return, but that won’t happen."
Tohru whispered reassuringly into his ear.
"It absolutely won’t. Because I love you.
Even if the old me said something else, the current me will convince you. I’ll
tell you that I love you, that I’m in love with you."
Fujishima shook his head.
"I love you more than anyone in the world.
I don’t really know the world, but even so, I love you the most. I love
Fujishima, who is a liar, stubborn, clumsy... and who likes cake."
Tohru grabbed his arm. He pulled Fujishima’s
retreating hips closer until Fujishima was straddling his thigh.
"Do you know why I fell in love with
you?"
Tohru's eyes were smiling gently.
"...I don’t know..."
"It’s because you loved me first. You
treated me with such care, and that’s why I fell in love with you."
"It’s your fault," Tohru said,
shifting the responsibility onto him, and hugged him tightly.
"Let me love you properly. Let me be your boyfriend.
I’ll take care of you. I’ll be gentle. So... let me protect you."
"N-no..."
"You don’t mean that."
Tohru's words were harsh.
"You don’t mean that. You have to say you
love me."
Like a stubborn child, Fujishima shook his
head.
"Why can’t you say it?"
...He was scared of an uncertain future, scared
of being abandoned, and he had been running away. It was self-defense to avoid
deepening his emotional wounds... but even that defense was now crumbling. Tohru
had scratched and torn it apart. His bare, vulnerable self was exposed, and he
was terrified, so terrified. Even though he told him to stay away, Tohru barged
in with no regard, dragging out the feelings he had hidden away. Love, just
love...
"Do you really hate me that much?"
Tohru’s sweet whispers turned cold as his words
took on a sharp edge. His hands, which had been holding Fujishima so tightly it
hurt, pushed him away.
"Even after I’ve told you how much I love
you, it’s no good. I guess it’s really better if I’m not around."
Tohru turned his back on him, and the pain in
Fujishima's fingertips pounded in time with his heartbeat. He had no idea what
was going to happen next. Not at all.
"I’ll leave. Just like you said, I’ll stay
at a hotel tonight. You can just give the moving boxes in the room to the
movers."
Tohru got off the bed and gathered up the
clothes scattered on the floor. He dressed calmly and without haste.
"We might never see each other again. But
that’s better for you, right?... Goodbye."
With that, Tohru left the room. The sound of
the door closing sent a rush of blood away from Fujishima's body. Only then did
he realize that Tohru had left him, that he had been abandoned.
Just moments ago, Tohru had said he loved him,
that he cared about him, and now it was over so easily. The shock was
overwhelming. A faint, almost bitter laugh escaped from his lips but quickly
faded away. This was what he had wanted to happen. To separate, to live
apart—that was the outcome he had wanted.
He curled up small on the bed. His eyes were
wet, and the moisture stung his swollen eyelids. He realized that he was
crying. He wondered why the tears were falling, but he tried not to think about
the reason.
Suddenly, a surge of powerful emotions welled
up from deep inside, causing Fujishima to tremble. He was overwhelmed by the
tide of emotions, struggling to breathe. He kept thinking, I hate this, I hate
this... Over and over. He hated that Tohru wasn’t there, that he wasn’t smiling
at him, that he wasn’t telling him he loved him, that he wasn’t comforting him
even though he was crying...
But Tohru had left. He wasn’t coming back. The
pain, the hatred—none of it could be undone now. The overwhelming emotions
brought tears to his eyes. He wished someone would just kill him, make it all
go away, erase these feelings entirely.
There was a small clattering sound. Fujishima
hurriedly sat up in bed. Maybe Tohru had come back. Maybe he was still in the
house. Even though he had left... Oh, that’s right, maybe he forgot something
and came back to get it...
If I don’t chase after him, he might never come
back. If I don't hurry, he might leave... In the back of his mind, a voice told
him to stop. But a stronger impulse overwhelmed him, and he struggled to his
feet, staggering as he moved forward.
He opened the door. His feet froze. Just
outside, Tohru was sitting by the wall, hugging his knees.
"…Where are you going, naked?"
Tohru’s displeased face and his harsh tone of
voice made Fujishima flinch.
"The bathroom?"
His mocking tone made Fujishima bite his
trembling lip hard.
"Say something."
Tohru grabbed his right ankle. The warmth that
spread from Tohru's hand made Fujishima's body tremble.
"...It’s painful to be with you," he
muttered softly.
"...But it's painful without you
too."
He asked, “What should I do?” Tohru sighed,
stood up, and gently pulled Fujishima into a hug.
"If you were planning to chase after me,
you should have come out sooner. What would you have done if I had really
left?"
Tohru stroked Fujishima's tear-swollen eyelids
and caressed his cheek.
"I was scared that you weren’t going to
come out. But... it's okay now."
As their lips touched, Fujishima felt his fear
melting away. It was scary, but it made him happy. It was something he had
wanted, something he didn’t want to lose, something precious... His whole body
trembled. Tohru held him tightly, as if to take away that trembling.
"If it’s the same pain, then stay with
me."
The man he loved pleaded with him, as he
trembled in his arms.
"Please, stay with me."
A surge of warmth filled Fujishima’s chest, and
before he knew it, he was crying. Though he was scared, part of him deeply
wished to stay with this man.
"You don’t have to cry so much."
Tohru murmured, looking somewhat helpless at
the sight of Fujishima crying like a child.
"I can’t handle it when you cry,
Fujishima. I’ve made you cry so much today... so please, don’t cry
anymore."
Still embracing each other, they slowly sank
down to the floor. Fujishima was lifted onto Tohru's lap, where he was gently
patted on the back and head, as if he were a child being comforted.
"Instead of crying, say you love me. Smile
and tell me you love me."
Clinging to the man’s neck, Fujishima closed
his eyes. He didn’t want to let this man go. He wanted to stay by his side. If
he could trade everything for this happiness, he could endure whatever came
afterward.
Even if tomorrow Tohru regained his memories
and told him that everything had been for nothing, that would be okay.
"I want to be strong..."
Fujishima murmured as he hugged Tohru tightly.
"I want to be strong."
He wanted to be strong enough not to be
defeated by anyone or anything. He wanted to be able to fight instead of run
away. He wanted to conquer his own heart. And someday, even if Tohru's memories
returned and he left, even if the day came when he was no longer loved... he
wanted to become someone who could wish for Tohru’s happiness. He wanted to
turn these feelings into his strength.
He thought about talking to his mother. Even
though he had been so afraid, he now wanted to face her again. He wanted to
tell her that he was with Tohru not out of sympathy, but because he loved him.
That he had always loved this man. Even if she despised him for it, that would
be his true self without any lies.
Give me courage... Fujishima prayed to the god
who had granted him this unexpected happiness. Please give me the courage to
regret and the courage to accept. Give me the courage to lay everything bare
and love.
Fujishima took his boyfriend's right hand and
pressed it firmly against his left chest. He pressed it firmly, as if to keep
his resolve from wavering.
"...Can I talk to you?"
Tohru asked, "About what?"
"...The first time I met you was on a
summer day..."
Fujishima closed his eyes as if recalling the
sound of cicadas and slowly began to speak.
Footnotes
0. Content warning: NSFW, dubcon.
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