Cold Light - Chapter 2

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

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Little Wish

On Saturdays, Tohru always bakes cakes. After 3 PM, the sweet scent wafts from the kitchen across the counter. Fujishima's way of spending a Saturday afternoon was to lie on the sofa in the living room, reading a book and occasionally glancing at the man making the cake.

That day, Fujishima dozed off in the sweet-smelling air and dreamed of a childlike fantasy where he and Tohru were like Hansel and Gretel, tearing off and eating pieces of a gingerbread house roof made of wafers. When he was gently shaken awake with the words, "Dinner’s ready," the setting sun was shining through the window, casting long shadows in the room.

For dinner, they had fried fish and pot-au-feu. After they finished eating, Tohru, who had just finished cleaning up, came into the living room holding a small tray as Fujishima idly watched the news on TV.

"Here you go."

The dessert he offered was a small, pale pink cake about eight centimeters (3.15 in) in diameter. Real cherry blossom petals were garnishing the top. "I mixed cherry blossom petals into the cream and sponge, but you probably won’t notice," Tohru said with a wry smile.

"The old man told me not to go overboard. But since it’s called a 'sakura cake,' I wanted to put sakura in various places."

Fujishima scooped up a piece of the cake with a fork and brought it to his mouth. Even though Tohru had said the cream and sponge contained sakura petals, it was hard to tell by taste or appearance. However, a refined sweetness, reminiscent of traditional Japanese sweets, gently spread through his mouth.

"It has a sakura-like feel."

When he shared his honest impression, Tohru leaned in with a smile.

"Really?"

"Yes, the subtle sweetness and the pale pink cream make me think of sakura when I eat this."

Smiling shyly, Tohru came over to sit next to Fujishima. The sofa creaked slightly under their weight.

"You're good at flattering me, Fujishima."

"I'm not flattering you."

"I always get deflated when the old man criticizes me at the shop, but when you praise me, it makes me want to try again tomorrow."

Tohru smiled and patted his lap.

"Come, sit here."

Fujishima glanced at his lap and then turned his face away.

"...I’m heavy."

"It’s fine. You’re light, Fujishima."

"I'm in the middle of eating, so it's bad manners."

"I want to watch you eat from the best seat in the house."

"But..."

When Fujishima hesitated, Tohru lifted him up onto his lap, seating him sideways. The excuse about bad manners was just a cover; the truth was that he felt embarrassed to be watched while eating up close. Feeling self-conscious under Tohru’s gaze, he decided to finish the cake quickly. He took a larger bite than usual and brought it to his mouth.

As Fujishima busily chewed, Tohru started shaking with laughter. Embarrassed, Fujishima's face flushed red. He looked down at the man, wondering why he was laughing, only to have Tohru lick the corner of his mouth with a swift flick of his tongue.

"Mmm, it’s nice and sweet."

Fujishima hastily wiped his mouth, but the only spot with cream was the one Tohru had licked. Realizing that hurrying might make him repeat the same mistake, he scooped up a smaller bite of the cake this time. He thought that the more he focused on it, the worse it became, so he told himself that he was just sitting in a chair and focused on the cake. Just as he started to genuinely enjoy the sweet dessert, Tohru gently stroked his neck. "Hurry up and eat," he urged.

"I want to kiss you, so hurry up and finish."

Tohru whispered in a sweet voice into his ear. If he ate too quickly, Tohru might think he wanted to kiss too. But if he ate too slowly, he would just be watched the whole time. Caught in this dilemma, Fujishima’s hand froze.

"Don’t you want to kiss me?"

Tohru asked, leaning in to peer at his face. Fujishima felt as if his back was burning with embarrassment.

"Please, don’t say things like that."

His fingers trembled. Tohru shrugged lightly and said, "I was just joking. You can take your time." In the midst of the awkward tension, Fujishima finally finished the cake and put the last piece in his mouth. Immediately, the plate and fork were taken away, and before he could even resist, Tohru kissed him. Almost without chewing, Fujishima swallowed the cake, and Tohru’s warm tongue parted his teeth.

"Mm... mm..."

His breath escaped in a sigh as the sticky kiss continued. The sound of their saliva mixing was indecently loud. Tohru’s tongue intertwined with Fujishima's, and hesitantly, Fujishima offered his own tongue in response. Though the kiss had started out forceful, Tohru’s touch became gentle. He teased, prodded, and made Fujishima melt just from kissing.

When Tohru licked the inside of his teeth, a shiver ran down Fujishima's spine, and he instinctively wrapped his arms around the man’s neck. A sweet scent wafted in the air. Fujishima loved the sweet and gentle fragrance that emanated from his boyfriend, who made cakes.

After nearly fifteen minutes of kissing, Tohru finally seemed satisfied and pulled away. Even then, as if still craving affection, he pressed his nose against Fujishima’s neck. Fujishima discreetly licked his wet lower lip with the tip of his tongue, making sure Tohru couldn’t see. He had a feeling that if Tohru saw, he’d accuse him of "inviting" him again.

"Hey, I have a favor to ask..."

Tohru intertwined his left hand with Fujishima’s right and murmured in an unusually quiet voice. Given the situation, Fujishima wondered if Tohru was about to suggest going to bed or something of that sort.

When they first became lovers last summer, Tohru would ask for sex almost every night, leaving Fujishima exhausted. It wasn’t that he disliked sex, but he simply couldn’t keep up with Tohru’s youthful stamina. Although he was happy to be loved, and being licked and played with felt good, he didn’t want to reject Tohru’s desires. So he had gone along with it, until he collapsed at work. The diagnosis was exhaustion, clearly caused by the summer heat and chronic sleep deprivation.

Though Fujishima had planned to take a taxi home after his IV drip, a well-meaning colleague contacted Tohru, saying it would be hard for him to go home alone. Just as expected, Tohru dropped everything at work and rushed to the hospital, where he sat by Fujishima's side, looking utterly dejected. Since then, the frequency had decreased to about two or three times a week, instead of every night.

They had just done it yesterday, so today was supposed to be a rest day. However, Tohru’s fingers, warm and slightly damp, hinted at something more intimate.

"What is it?"

Tohru, usually straightforward, hesitated, "Uh... well..."

"You don’t bring work home, do you?"

Fujishima wondered why Tohru was asking such a question but answered, "No. I don’t like working at home..."

That was part of it, but more importantly, he didn’t want to reduce the time he spent with Tohru by bringing work home.

"Do you prefer to have time alone when you sleep?"

"I guess that’s preferable... but I’ve never really thought about it."

Tohru tightened his grip around Fujishima’s waist.

"You know I started going to school, right? And..."

Since spring of this year, Tohru had been attending a night school for culinary arts. It was a two-year program in pastry making. During the day, he continued working at the patisserie, ‘Port.’ The daytime course would have only taken a year to complete, so Fujishima had suggested taking a year off from work to attend school during the day, but Tohru chose the night course instead. He didn’t want to quit ‘Port,’ and Fujishima didn’t push the matter, knowing how much Tohru admired the couple who owned the patisserie as if they were his own parents.

"Working during the day and going to school at night is tough. But it’s fun, and I chose this, so I’m not going to complain..."

"If it’s hard to balance both, you don’t have to force yourself to make dinner for me after work..."

"That’s okay."

Tohru shook Fujishima’s right hand.

"If I leave you alone, you’ll just eat something random. Besides, I have to eat too, so don’t worry about that."

Fujishima thought to himself that he wouldn’t eat too poorly even if left on his own, but he decided not to say it aloud.

"That’s not the issue, though. I just feel like... it’s not enough..."

"Not enough?"

"It’s you, Fujishima."

Tohru’s expression was serious.

"I wake up at 6 AM, go to work, and come home at 4 PM. Then I make dinner, and if you’re home in time, we eat together. I leave for school at 6:30 and get back around 11 PM. Even if I rush home, I just take a bath and go straight to bed. Sometimes, I don’t even see you all day. Like last Wednesday... I was really shocked. Though, that day, I stayed behind with friends after class, which didn’t help..."

It was true that since Tohru started school, they had less time to see each other. On weeknights, Monday through Friday, when Tohru was at school, Fujishima spent his evenings alone. Even though the living room wasn’t that big, it felt empty and lonely without someone to talk to. But he had accepted it as something that couldn’t be helped and didn’t think it was worth mentioning.

Instead, they spent all day together on weekends when school was off, and on Saturdays, when ‘Port’ was closed.

"I want to see your face at least once a day, Fujishima."

"I’m usually awake when you get home, and we at least say goodnight..."

"But all we say is ‘goodnight.’"

Fujishima thought about pointing out that they kissed too, but he didn’t say it. Tohru pulled Fujishima’s waist closer.

"Fujishima-san’s bed is really big."

"So what?"

"Even if I join you, there’ll still be plenty of space. We often sleep together until morning anyway."

"...What are you trying to say?"

"Please let me sleep on the edge of your bed."

Tohru bowed his head deeply.

"Not just for sex or anything—I want to sleep together every night. That way, even if we don’t have much time to talk, I can at least see your face as much as I want, and I’ll feel better."

"Is that a no?" Tohru asked, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

"I want to fall asleep looking at your face and wake up to it, Fujishima-san."

Fujishima hesitated to respond. After having sex in his room, Tohru rarely returned to his own room. Most of the time, they stayed in the same bed until morning. But doing it "every day" felt a bit different. It meant showing his silly, sleepy face, and his clumsy habits—parts of himself he wasn’t even aware of—every single day.

"...Let me think about it."

Tohru looked disappointed but said, "Okay," and backed down. Feeling guilty for not giving him an immediate yes when he had just expressed his desire to be together, Fujishima leaned in and kissed him of his own accord. Tohru looked a little surprised but then smiled, saying, "Don’t worry about it." For some reason, seeing him smile hurt more than seeing him disappointed.

A little before midnight, Fujishima turned off the light in his room. He couldn’t fall asleep right away, bothered by the fact that he had put off Tohru’s request. Just as he was lying there, he heard a knock on the door. Tohru entered the room hesitantly, asking, "Are you already asleep?" He then asked if they could talk for a bit, promising, "I won’t do anything," before slipping into bed beside him.

Tohru started talking about how he had realized since starting school that he wasn’t very good with his hands, or how there was someone in his class who was as skilled as a professional and had great sense, but was younger than him. While Fujishima gently stroked his head as he vented his frustrations, Tohru eventually fell asleep on his stomach, breathing peacefully.

Fujishima dimmed the bedside light. He didn’t turn it off completely because he wanted to keep looking at his boyfriend’s face a little longer. He wondered why, of all nights, Tohru had come to his room to confide in him... It seemed a bit calculated, but it didn’t annoy him. He stared at Tohru’s defenseless face, his mouth slightly open like a child. When he pressed his nose to Tohru’s neck, he caught a faint, sweet scent. Taking advantage of his sleeping state, Fujishima playfully licked his neck, but it didn’t taste sweet.

Recently, Tohru had been serving the cakes he made himself, instead of the ones from ‘Port,’ the patisserie where he worked. Though Tohru couldn’t compare to the master pastry chef at ‘Port,’ and the cakes were sometimes inconsistent—too firm, too soft, too sweet, or not sweet enough—there was always a gentle flavor in his cakes. And there was no doubt that Tohru was getting better than when he first started.

When he thought about how he had put off Tohru’s request to sleep together, it seemed like such a trivial matter. Considering everything they’d been through, these days felt almost like a dream. He was so happy that he felt like he might forget his worries about the future.

Fujishima quietly slipped out of bed and opened the window. The cold night air gradually tightened his relaxed cheeks. But soon, his feet grew cold, and he returned to the bed where his boyfriend slept.

Last summer, Fujishima had confessed everything to Tohru. He had told him about the things Tohru had forgotten—the severe punishments from his mother, the conflict with his father, and how Fujishima had wronged him when he was young, which had made Tohru hate him deeply. It took a long time to talk about such a tragic past, but during that time, Tohru had held Fujishima close without letting go.

"Was I cute when I was little?"

It was a rather awkward question to ask after such a heavy confession.

"...Yeah."

"I know you’re not supposed to have feelings for a child, but if I was that cute, I guess it couldn’t be helped that you fell for me."

Tohru murmured, giving Fujishima a light kiss on the cheek.

"Don’t be jealous of the me back then. I wish you’d made a move on me too."

"That’s a ridiculous thing to say..."

"I’m not joking. I’m serious."

Then he continued,

"And besides, I don’t think I ever really disliked you, even when I was rough with you. I don’t really understand why, but that’s just how I feel."

Fujishima didn’t know the truth for sure. But hearing that from Tohru, in the "now," did help ease the guilt he had carried from the past.

The next day, Tohru was supposed to move out, but naturally, he canceled those plans. In the afternoon, just as the day before, Tohru’s mother visited. Fujishima persuaded Tohru, who wanted to talk with her, to stay in his room, and he sat down to talk with his mother alone in the living room.

That day, his mother was wearing an indigo-dyed kimono. At first, she seemed very concerned about her surroundings, but once she realized Tohru wasn’t there, she must have assumed he was out. "I’m relieved I don’t have to see that face today," she remarked.

His mother drank the cold tea Fujishima had served her with graceful gestures. The sound of cicadas chirping outside could be heard faintly. Fujishima sat opposite her, his hands trembling slightly in his lap. He was nervous around his mother, just as he had been in the past.

"I apologize for yesterday."

He began by apologizing for having driven her out of the house, to which his mother sighed and said, "Yes, it was quite rude of you."

"Well, it’s fine... I forgive you. You must have been surprised by my sudden visit."

Fujishima started to say something, but his mother cut him off and began speaking.

"I spoke with Hiroaki..."

Hiroaki was his mother’s new husband.

"You should work for the company he manages. It would be in the Tokyo branch, which is closer to our home. Until the remarriage is finalized, you should live with us."

"I already have a job here..."

"I know. The report from the private investigator mentioned it. You work in sales at a paper company, right? Why are you doing such a trivial job when you used to run a business? You should study management again with Hiroaki. He even said that if you show promise, he might let you take over the company one day."

"I’m satisfied with my current job."

"Satisfied?" His mother frowned.

"Do you really think it’s acceptable for the heir of the Fujishima family to be doing such menial work? And I’m sure the salary is low too. You’re living in such a cramped place..."

She looked around the room with a pitying gaze. Even though it was small, this place felt more comfortable to Fujishima than any home he’d ever lived in.

"I’m not going back home."

Her expression changed. A deep, harsh line appeared between her brows.

"I have no intention of working at Father-in-law's company. I will live here with Tohru."

"Enough with the selfishness!" The angry voice made Fujishima's back tremble.

"Why should you have to obey a man like him?"

"It's not Tohru who suggested this; I decided it myself."

He hesitated to say the next words, but he needed a reason to convince his mother. There was no turning back.

"I love Tohru."

He couldn't bring himself to look his mother in the eye.

"I'm in love with him."

The long silence that followed felt like a prisoner's sentence being pronounced. He had no idea how much rejection and scorn would be thrown his way, but he steeled himself to endure it.

When he finally looked up at the small sound of a cup being set down, he saw his mother lifting a teacup to her lips. After taking a sip, she spoke in a surprisingly calm voice.

"Anyone can make a mistake."

Fujishima instinctively leaned forward.

"This isn't a mistake."

"Keishi."

His mother gently admonished him.

"If you realize your mistake and correct it, all will be forgiven. But if you don't correct it, the consequences could be terrible."

"...I slept with Tohru."

He saw his mother's face stiffen.

"I slept with him because I love him. I have no regrets, and it wasn't a mistake. I've loved him for a long, long time..."

"Stop it!" Her harsh voice cut him off. She covered her mouth with the sleeve of her kimono and stared at him with wide eyes.

"D-do you even know what you're saying? If you correct this mistake, I will forgive you, I said I would forgive you!"

"There’s no such thing as forgiving or not forgiving love."

His mother slowly rose from the sofa, then began pacing around it haphazardly. She kept touching her hair, which came undone and fell over her face.

"That man is truly the devil. He’s brainwashed my sweet Keishi like this. How terrifying, how horrible..."

"Mother."

She turned around and looked at him.

"Face reality."

He spoke slowly.

"I haven't been brainwashed. Please, take what I'm saying seriously."

A long silence followed. The look of horror in her eyes gradually turned into one of sorrow. She walked over to him with slow steps and gently touched his cheek with her pale fingers.

"Tomorrow, I'll send someone to pick you up. Pack your things and submit your resignation to your current job by then. Stop thinking about anything, just do as I say. Alright?"

She picked up the small handbag that had been lying on the sofa.

"I'm tired, so I'm going home now. Let's talk more at home tomorrow."

As his mother was about to leave the living room, Fujishima hurriedly chased after her.

"Even if someone comes to pick me up, I won't go back. I’m not quitting my job. Everything here is something I chose—Tohru, this apartment, my job... Even if I can’t live in luxury, I prefer it here."

Without listening to him, his mother put on her silver sandals by the entrance, pretending not to hear a word he said.

"I'm not your puppet, Mother."

She finally turned around.

"So I won't obey you anymore."

She looked up at him with a troubled gaze, as if she were looking at a child throwing a tantrum. Her unnaturally bold red lips moved slowly.

"...Poor child."

Even after his mother left, Fujishima stood in the hallway for a while. The sound of cicadas came from somewhere, bringing him back to his senses. He returned to the living room and collapsed onto the sofa, where the lingering sweet scent of flowers, likely his mother's perfume, clung to the air. The cloying fragrance made him feel nauseous, so he retreated to his room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, lost in thought, he suddenly heard a knock at the door. Even though he hadn’t responded, the door opened, and Tohru peeked his face through the gap.

"Did your mother leave?"

"...Yeah."

Tohru hesitantly entered the room.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard yelling... and you don't seem like yourself, Fujishima."

Fujishima smiled faintly, but only with his lips.

"Can you leave me alone?"

Even though he said that, Tohru didn't leave the room. Fujishima repeated, "Please, just leave me alone."

"No, I want to stay by your side. This concerns me too..."

Fujishima shook his head.

"I said I want to be alone. This is between my mother and me."

"Don't keep it all to yourself. Lean on me too. If she said something hurtful, talk to me about it."

Tohru grasped Fujishima's hands tightly. His hands were so warm, just so warm... Something welled up inside Fujishima, and a tear fell from the corner of his eye.

"She called me pitiful," he said, his voice trembling. "She thinks I'm crazy. Even though I finally stood up to her and told her the truth..."

Fujishima curled up, his back small and hunched.

"She denied everything about me."

He squeezed Tohru's hands tightly.

"It’s my fault. When I was younger, I should have rebelled more. I should have been more selfish. I should have caused her more trouble, so she could see who I really am. To show her that I'm not some puppet she can control..."

Tohru listened quietly, nodding in agreement.

"But I was always afraid of her, afraid of being hated by her..."

He looked up as Tohru gently stroked his head.

"It's not too late. There's still time. You can talk to her as many times as it takes until she understands you."

Tohru embraced him softly. Fujishima, no longer a child, wrapped his arms around Tohru's broad back and wept silently. The comforting kisses, meant to soothe him, gradually grew more passionate. Yet, Fujishima didn’t resist. He wanted to be held and didn’t mind when Tohru began to undress him. Deep down, he knew that what he needed most right now was this man.

After that, Fujishima and his mother had several discussions. Despite his insistence that he would never leave Tohru, his mother scolded him harshly, her voice shrill and filled with anger. She cursed Tohru and even went so far as to say, "I'll kill him." In the end, she clung to Fujishima, crying and begging him to go to a hospital with her.

When his mother realized that no matter what she did, her son wouldn't listen to her, she changed tactics. She began harassing Tohru. She sent letters to the shop where Tohru worked, filled with lies about how awful a person Tohru was, and even defaced the shop's windows with graffiti slandering him.

After these incidents, Fujishima went to see his mother on his own. He told her that if she didn’t stop the harassment and apologize to Tohru, he would take legal action. His mother slapped him and screamed, "You heartless wretch!" The slap stung, but oddly enough, Fujishima felt calm inside.

For about three months, the conflict dragged on. But just before the new year, he unexpectedly received a letter of disownment from his mother. It was accompanied by a note that read, "I consider my son to be dead." Unable to understand what she couldn't comprehend, his mother had cut him out of her life. It was sad, but not painful... because he wasn’t alone.

Later, his ex-wife contacted him, saying, "Your mother wants to take custody of our child." Fujishima felt sorry that the rift with his mother had even reached this far. Despite Fujishima’s attempts to stop her, his mother had repeatedly contacted his ex-wife. But then, as if a line had been drawn, the contact abruptly ceased.

Just before spring arrived, Fujishima heard from his ex-wife that his mother had apparently moved to France with his stepfather. Even now, when he thinks about it, he shudders at the terrifying persistence of his mother. As if trying to shake off that feeling, Fujishima gently stroked the fingers of his boyfriend, Tohru, who had his hand lightly clenched near his face. As if on cue, Tohru’s closed eyes suddenly opened in surprise.

"What have you been doing?"

"Nothing, really."

Tohru’s fingers, which had been still, moved to softly stroke Fujishima’s head.

"Can’t sleep?"

"Just a little."

"Because I’m here?"

"That’s not it."

Tohru blinked sleepily.

"Fujishima, you’re really forward when I’m asleep. You touch me and kiss me."

Fujishima wondered why and tried to think of a reason.

"It’s probably because you always say things…"

Tohru tilted his head.

"You say things like you’re happy or it feels good. I’m not good at that…"

"Should I keep quiet? But there are things you wouldn’t understand if I didn’t say them."

Fujishima stared intently at his dissatisfied boyfriend.

"Does it make you anxious if I don’t say anything?"

Tohru’s lips moved, murmuring, "Not really…"

"Do you not understand unless I say, 'I love you'?"

Tohru’s face, which had been looking at him, slowly turned red. Then, as if to hide his embarrassment, Tohru pushed Fujishima roughly onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He cradled Fujishima’s head in his hands, bringing their faces close enough for a kiss. They gazed into each other’s eyes, and their lips naturally met. But it wasn’t the light, casual kiss Fujishima had imagined; it was a fierce kiss, filled with desire.

In the room, the sticky sound of saliva mixing echoed. Tohru licked Fujishima’s sensitive spots, making him tremble and gasp, "Mmm… mmm…" repeatedly. Tohru began unbuttoning Fujishima’s pajamas from the top down. He gently pinched Fujishima’s exposed right nipple, including the areola. The sensation, a mix of pain and pleasure, made Fujishima’s hips shudder. As he kissed him, Tohru alternated between pinching both nipples, causing Fujishima’s chest to become more and more sensitive.

"So cute. They’re getting all hard and tiny."

Fujishima’s entire body flushed with embarrassment.

"P-please, don’t say things like that."

When Tohru scratched the tip of his nipple with a fingernail, Fujishima’s back arched in response.

"They’re perky, asking me to touch them more."

When Tohru pinched his nipples between his thumb and forefinger, Fujishima let out a soft cry, "Ah!" He hurriedly covered his mouth with both hands, but Tohru, his eyes narrowing in pleasure, whispered in his ear.

"Let me hear your voice."

"Let me hear the sound of you feeling good."

"N-no, I won’t."

Despite his refusal, Tohru pulled his hands away from his mouth and began to tease the pointed tips with his tongue. He sucked gently, then bit lightly, flicking his tongue over them.

"Ah… ah… no… no…"

Without giving one side a chance to dry from the saliva, Tohru moved on to the other, sucking alternately. As he did, the heat that had been building in Fujishima’s hips began to gather in one place. Noticing this, Tohru stopped his caresses and swiftly pulled down Fujishima’s pajama pants and underwear to his ankles.

The persistent stimulation had made Fujishima hard, and his erection was now at an angle. Tohru gently stroked the base of Fujishima’s shaft, which had become slick.

"This part of you loves me too."

Unable to bear the constant commentary, Fujishima tried to slide off the bed, dragging his trembling hips with him. But Tohru noticed and quickly pulled him back onto the bed.

"Where are you going?"

Fujishima shook his head as if in denial.

"Are you okay like this? Even though you’re so hard?"

Fujishima sat on the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"Just…"

"Just what?"

"Just act normal, like you usually do. Don’t talk…"

Trying to escape Tohru, who was silently inching closer, Fujishima scooted toward the edge of the bed. But he was eventually cornered, with nowhere left to go between the wall and the headboard. He sat huddled, his knees pulled to his chest, when a large hand rested on them. That hand, using more force than Fujishima could resist, spread his knees wide apart.

Fujishima’s fully erect penis was now exposed in front of Tohru. Fujishima trembled, trying to cover it with both hands.

"Why are you hiding it?"

He couldn’t answer.

"Do you hate it when I look at you?"

Tohru leaned in closer and licked Fujishima's earlobe. The tip of Tohru's heated member brushed against Fujishima's hand, which was trying to hide his own penis. The slick precum dampened the back of his hand.

"Are you afraid of feeling good?"

Tohru cupped Fujishima’s face with both hands.

"When I talk to you like this, you feel really good. But you don’t like that, do you? I’ve always felt like you were holding something back…"

He planted a soft kiss.

"Be honest with your body. That way, it’ll feel even better."

As he spoke, Tohru gradually moved Fujishima’s hands aside. Pressing his own erection against Fujishima’s, Tohru continued, as if making a promise.

"I want to hear you say it feels good or that it’s too much. My dream is for you to ask me to 'do it' someday."

Then he added, "Just let go completely. I'll make you feel so good you'll lose consciousness. I'll make you come as many times as you want. All you need to do is think about how much you love me."

With a whisper of "Okay?" Tohru slipped his arms under Fujishima's, pulling him close. As he was drawn in, Fujishima spread his legs and ended up straddling Tohru's lap, feeling unsteady and anxious. Tohru then firmly kneaded Fujishima's buttocks with both hands before pinching the tip of his arousal between his fingers. The slick precum made his fingers sticky as he slowly stroked the area behind him. Without any further warning, Tohru suddenly slipped a finger inside. Fujishima's throat let out a small gasp, and his back trembled.

"Does it hurt? There doesn't seem to be much resistance..."

When Fujishima shook his head, Tohru pushed deeper inside. Despite having had fingers and a tongue inserted many times before, Fujishima could never get used to the sensation of something foreign inside him. Tohru's long fingers explored within, and before he realized it, more fingers had joined. Tohru whispered, "Can you tell I have three fingers in you now?" But the area, numb from being thoroughly teased, only felt slightly tighter than usual.

After being teased for so long, the spot he had been waiting for was finally touched. Fujishima's body jolted, and even though it wasn't being directly touched, a sweet fluid slowly oozed from the tip.

"Does it feel good here? Is it starting to throb?"

Tohru pressed the spot repeatedly. It was beyond throbbing—Fujishima felt like he was about to explode any second.

"Stop," he pleaded.

"Huh? But it feels good, right?"

It was embarrassing, but there was no room for hesitation now.

"...I'm about to come."

"What?" Tohru asked, seeking confirmation.

"I... I'm about to ejaculate."

Tohru whispered in Fujishima's ear, sounding pleased, "You can go ahead."

"You can press it against my stomach and come, just like that."

Embarrassed by the way it was said, as if he were a child about to pee, Fujishima tried to hold back, but in that moment, Tohru pressed and twisted inside, and he burst helplessly.

"Ah... ah... ah..."

Fujishima's mind went blank as his body trembled uncontrollably. Once the trembling stopped, a wave of exhaustion washed over him, draining all the strength from his body. Leaning against Tohru, trying to catch his breath, he felt something being applied to his backside. His hips were slightly lifted, and at the entrance where the foreign sensation had just faded, something hot was being pressed against him.

"Can I put mine in now?"

Fujishima nervously glanced down. Although Tohru had used his fingers and tongue on him before, he'd never had Tohru himself inside. What was beneath him looked more swollen than usual.

"It's... big..." Fujishima murmured, to which Tohru chuckled slightly.

"It's not that big. Just a little more than my fingers... You seem to be in good shape today, so let me put it in."

"But..."

"I've wanted to do it with mine for so long. But neither of us was used to it, and... I'll stop right away if it hurts. Please?"

Hearing that Tohru had wanted this for so long, and seeing the look in his eyes, Fujishima found it hard to refuse. He nodded slightly. But once they started, the sensation of being stretched open was terrifying, and Fujishima instinctively clung to Tohru's neck, crying out, "No!"

Tohru gently tilted Fujishima's chin up, planting soft kisses on his lips as he slowly guided his hips down. The pain and intense pressure brought tears to Fujishima's eyes. After Tohru embraced him tightly, he whispered, "It's in."

"Can you feel it?"

Fujishima shook his head. Then, Tohru took hold of his right hand and guided it to the area behind his scrotum.

"Touch it."

Though Fujishima tried to pull his hand away in reluctance, Tohru insisted, making him feel it. The area, which Fujishima had never even seen himself, was stretched impossibly wide, engulfing Tohru. The lewdness and greediness of it made Fujishima feel dizzy. Tohru exhaled softly against Fujishima’s shoulder.

"It feels so good," Tohru's heated voice trembled in Fujishima's ears.

"So tight, so warm... It feels amazing."

They kissed almost instinctively. As they kissed, Tohru’s thumbs found Fujishima’s nipples, teasing them, making Fujishima's back arch. This slight movement shifted Tohru’s position inside him, sending a shiver down Fujishima’s spine. After holding each other for a while, Tohru began to slowly move his hips. The pressure inside him started to change into a different sensation, as a subtle friction began to build, making Fujishima’s knees tremble. Honestly, it hurt when Tohru moved inside him. Yet, despite the pain, a pleasure-like feeling spread through his body, contradicting the discomfort.

"You're so beautiful," Tohru whispered as he rocked Fujishima.

"Fujishima-san, you're incredibly beautiful."

Fujishima knew his face must look pathetic, gasping for breath, and he couldn't believe Tohru would call it beautiful. He hid his face in his hands.

"Don't look at me."

"Why? Don’t hide—kiss me with that beautiful face of yours."

"Don't call this pathetic face beautiful."

"But it’s true. Your sensual lips, your flushed, glistening eyes, even the way you're trembling—it's all beautiful. I never want to let go of you, not even for a night."

With Tohru gripping his penis, he pushed deep inside, making Fujishima cry out in a high-pitched voice.

"My boyfriend is the most beautiful and adorable in the world," Tohru whispered repeatedly in Fujishima's ear, like a spell. Tohru finally released his desire deep inside Fujishima, thrusting and grinding until Fujishima’s senses went numb. At nearly the same moment, Fujishima soiled Tohru’s abdomen, sinking deeply into a sea of pure, white ecstasy.

When Fujishima woke from his light sleep, the two bodies were still tightly pressed together, lying on their sides with no space between them. The room was dark, so he couldn't see the clock, but there was no sign of dawn through the curtains.

The place where Tohru had been stirring was still tingling with a dull numbness. As Fujishima shifted his hips, a sharp pain accompanied by a strange sensation lingered in the numb area. He reached down cautiously, suspecting the worst, and found that Tohru was still inside him. Embarrassment overwhelmed Fujishima, as if he were a child who had wet the bed, and he quickly pulled his hips away. Even though it shouldn’t have been there, the withdrawal was accompanied by a faint, aching reluctance. When it finally slipped out completely, Fujishima was left with a sense of emptiness, as if something was missing.

He found it strange to feel this way and pressed his back against Tohru’s, just as he had when he first woke up. But now there was no part of him connected to Tohru, and his sleeping boyfriend, who was softly breathing, didn’t hold him tightly as he had during their lovemaking.

A surge of desire to shake Tohru awake and ask him to hold him swept over Fujishima. But he didn’t want to disturb his sleeping boyfriend. Unlike Fujishima, who had the day off, Tohru had to work the next day. Still, despite knowing what was right, Fujishima couldn’t help but want to be selfish with this man.

He wanted Tohru to do something about this strange emptiness, this vague feeling. He was used to sleeping alone; they didn’t always sleep entwined. But now he found himself unable to tolerate even this minor discomfort. Even though the moment of passion had long passed, the lingering sensation of being loved clung to him like the persistent numbness in his hips.

Fujishima faced his sleeping boyfriend and gently stroked his soft cheek with trembling fingers. He caressed Tohru’s exposed shoulder and finally cradled his head, crying a little. It was lonely... but he thought to himself that he must be incredibly happy. To love someone so much, to cry because of that love—he must be happy.

...Staring into the dark night, Fujishima wished that morning would never come.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The next day, Fujishima could barely walk. He managed to get dressed, wash his face, and make it to the kitchen, but he had no appetite, and sitting in a chair was too painful. After taking a single bite of bread and drinking some coffee, he immediately lay down on the sofa. Tohru hovered around him, not doing much of anything, and even as the time to leave for work approached, he showed no signs of going. Finding this strange, Fujishima asked, "Aren’t you going to work?" Tohru, looking down, replied, "I called in and said I was staying home because my roommate isn’t feeling well." Even when Fujishima insisted, "I’m fine, you should go to work," Tohru refused to listen.

Fujishima’s hips were sore, but he wasn’t completely incapacitated; he just didn’t feel like moving around, so he stayed on the sofa. Tohru remained crouched by his feet. Looking at Tohru’s bowed head, Fujishima couldn’t help but find him endearing, like a child waiting to be scolded.

Their eyes met when Tohru lifted his head. He glanced up at Fujishima, gauging his mood, then quickly looked away and apologized, "I’m sorry..."

"You must be fed up with me," Tohru muttered, holding his head in his hands.

"I said I wouldn’t do it, but I did. I didn’t know how to hold back, and I pushed you too far..."

Tohru’s hunched back curled up even more.

"I had a bad feeling halfway through. I knew I shouldn’t push you too hard because you’re slender and don’t have much stamina, but... I couldn’t stop myself. I swear I’ll never do that again."

It had hurt, and his body was sore, but... Fujishima hadn’t disliked it. Yet, from the way Tohru was talking, it seemed like he would never make love to him like that again. Despite how much his body had reveled in being loved, it seemed like Tohru had completely forgotten that by the next morning.

Does he really not understand unless I say it? That was the question Fujishima had posed to him the previous day. He remembered Tohru’s frustrated face. Sometimes, it might be necessary to express things in words. If he really wanted it too...

"It’s hard for me during the week, but if it’s a day like today when I have the next day off, I think I can manage."

Tohru turned around, looking incredulous. He had been distancing himself, but now he slowly inched closer.

"Really...?"

"And if you could be a bit gentler."

"I promise I’ll never be reckless again. I swear."

Tohru’s earnestness made Fujishima chuckle a little. Tohru laughed too, and as their laughter faded, they kissed. They had kissed countless times during the night, shared intense kisses, but somehow the kiss in the bright daylight felt a bit more embarrassing. Tohru seemed to feel the same way, as he shyly shrugged his shoulders and said, "It’s kind of embarrassing."

Fujishima took Tohru’s right hand and pulled it close to his chest, as if to keep it all to himself. With his remaining left hand, Tohru gently stroked Fujishima’s head. The gesture made Fujishima smile, narrowing his eyes in contentment. The happiness of being close, the comfort of their touch, seeped into his whole body.

Suddenly, Fujishima remembered that Tohru had mentioned wanting to sleep in the same bed the previous night. He hadn’t given a clear answer, and now Tohru hadn’t brought it up today. Did he forget after bringing it up himself? Or had he already given up on getting a positive response, especially after last night?

Fujishima hadn’t wanted to reveal his vulnerable side by being too close. But today was different. He hugged Tohru’s right arm tightly. If he could be held by this arm every night, if he could be touched gently, he wanted to try sleeping together...

"Starting tonight, I’ll leave half the bed for you," Fujishima said.

Tohru, understanding what he meant, asked, "Really?"

"I want to try sleeping together with you too. So, come on."

Tohru covered his face with his left hand, turning bright red.

"Don’t invite me like that... I can’t handle it."

"Handle what?"

"I really... can’t handle it. My heart is pounding. I’ve been a mess since yesterday."

"I don’t understand what you’re saying."

After blurting out, "I’m so in love with you I can’t think straight," Tohru pressed his forehead against the sofa. Then he gripped Fujishima’s hand tightly with his right hand.

Fujishima closed his eyes and squeezed Tohru’s hand back, then prayed.

May we always stay together... May we always love each other.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW.

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