Cold Light - Chapter 3

The content warning is in the footnotes⁰.

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New Year Snow Light

The giant screen in front of the station suddenly switched images. A man who wasn’t particularly young, dressed in loose clothes and with a nose piercing, began counting down: "Ten, nine..." As he reached zero, there was a popping sound from party crackers, and the screen changed. Faces of joyful people appeared one after another on the screen.

People who had stopped to watch the giant screen slowly started walking away one by one. Yuichi Kurokawa glanced at his watch. He had been waiting for his boyfriend for almost forty minutes.

Though it wasn’t snowing, it was freezing cold outside. His breath was white. He raised the collar of his black cashmere long coat and unconsciously rubbed his gloved hands together.

His phone had rung three times. Each time, the message said, "The person you are trying to reach is either outside the service area or has their phone turned off..." Even after waiting for so long, he didn’t think his boyfriend had stood him up or forgotten about him. If he was going to cancel, he would have done so ahead of time, and he had never forgotten a plan before. However, his boyfriend was a bit scatterbrained, so he might have forgotten to turn on his phone or run out of battery.

It was Yuichi who had said he wanted to go for Hatsumode. Last week, during a date squeezed in between work at an izakaya, he had suggested, “I want to go for Hatsumode.” His boyfriend had a vague expression that was hard to read as either yes or no. Realizing that he wasn’t enthusiastic about it, Yuichi quickly retracted his proposal, saying, “It’s fine if you’re busy with work.”

“Well, there’s work, but Hatsumode on New Year’s Day is the worst. I’ve been before; it’s crowded, you lose money, and someone even spilled coffee on my brand-new jeans…”

“Yeah, you’re right…”

He wondered who his boyfriend had gone with but didn’t ask. He knew if he asked, he’d feel down for a while. His boyfriend had dated several women before. At thirty, it was normal to have that much dating experience.

Yuichi had only dated a girl once, like an extension of a friendship back in high school. Since then, he hadn’t had any romantic relationships, making his current boyfriend his first proper relationship.

He caught his boyfriend’s gaze from across the table, who seemed to be looking away.

“Do you want to go?”

“Oh, not really… It’s probably going to be crowded anyway…”

When Yuichi replied hesitantly, his boyfriend snapped, “I’m asking if you want to go or not!”

“Yes… I do…”

When Yuichi answered nervously, his boyfriend sighed through his nose, “Then just say so from the beginning.”

“Alright, let’s go. But I have work until the evening that day… Oh, but Hatsumode is at midnight, right? I should be fine. So, where do you want to go?”

Feeling both happy and a little scared, Yuichi suggested the large shrine near his apartment.

His boyfriend, Masayuki Taniguchi, said he’d take the train after work. However, he hadn’t been on the 11:30 pm train they had agreed to meet. In the distance, he could hear the clattering sound of an approaching train. Pulling up his coat sleeve, he glanced at his watch. The hands pointed to 12:10 am.

Thinking his boyfriend would be on this one, he waited next to the ticket gate. But even after the crowd thinned, there was no sign of him.

With a sigh, Yuichi returned to his original spot in front of the ticket machine. Even though the New Year’s timetable meant trains ran late, the last train going down would be at 12:40 am.

Maybe he was busy with work. Unlike Yuichi, who was a civil servant with a set schedule, his boyfriend was a photographer and had an irregular lifestyle. Knowing this, Yuichi had offered, “I’ll come to pick you up after work,” but his boyfriend had declined, saying, “The roads will be crowded.” Though blunt, his boyfriend was always considerate of him. Yuichi knew this well.

Standing still made him cold, so he paced back and forth in front of the station. Across the street was a 24-hour café, and the orange light spilling out from its windows looked very warm. He wished he could wait inside, but if he wasn’t at the agreed spot when his boyfriend arrived, they might miss each other. That would be terrible.

His neck was cold, so he hunched his shoulders. As he looked down, a white speck fell onto the black asphalt at his feet. Looking up, he saw more snowflakes falling. He reached out his gloved hand, and a snowflake landed on it... It had started snowing.

If he stood there until morning, he might turn into a snowman. The thought was both silly and sad, and it made him chuckle a little. Even if he became a snowman, he knew he would wait for his boyfriend. He was sure he would keep waiting.

Across the street, he noticed someone running toward him. He thought it might be his boyfriend and took a few steps forward. Just then, the person stumbled. But he quickly got up and continued running toward him. It was definitely his boyfriend.

“Sorry… I’m late.”

Gasping for breath, he spoke in broken sentences. His cheek was scraped and red from falling, and his jeans were dirty at the knees.

“Are you okay?”

Sensing Yuichi’s concern about his fall, his boyfriend clicked his tongue in frustration.

“I just tripped on a curb. It’s no big deal. I’m sorry I’m so late, almost an hour… It must have been cold.”

“It’s fine, I’m okay.”

His boyfriend’s fingers touched Yuichi’s cheek. His fingertips were warm.

“Liar. Your face is so cold.”

Suddenly, they were looking into each other’s eyes. Almost as if to hide his embarrassment, his boyfriend lightly pinched Yuichi’s cheek before his warm fingers withdrew.

“My work ran late, and I missed the 10:30 train. I knew I’d be late if I took the next one, and I didn’t have money for a taxi, and my coworkers were already gone. But there was a train to Iwabashi, three stations away, so I took that. I got off and caught a taxi, but the roads were really congested. Lots of cars going for Hatsumode, and apparently, there was an accident, so traffic was down to one lane. It was barely moving, so I got mad, jumped out, and ran here…”

He let out a deep breath and wiped his flushed cheek with the back of his hand.

“I thought I’d call you on the way, but my phone was out of battery. I haven’t run this much since high school. And to top it off, I fell. What a disaster. That’s why going for Hatsumode on New Year’s is a bad idea. Nothing ever goes right.”

“I’m… sorry…”

All Yuichi could do was apologize.

“It’s not your fault. It’s my problem. So, shall we go?”

As his boyfriend started to walk, Yuichi grabbed his arm.

“Actually, let’s not go.”

His boyfriend turned around, looking puzzled.

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s not go. If you don’t want to, we can go home.”

His boyfriend’s expression changed, irritation clear on his face.

“You’re the one who wanted to go. That’s why I ran all the way here.”

Yuichi didn’t want his boyfriend to feel bad, so he suggested going home. But the more he tried to be considerate, the more annoyed his boyfriend seemed to get.

“This is ridiculous. Why do you think I ran like crazy to get here?”

His angry face and voice were enough to make Yuichi feel like a deflated balloon, his heart sinking. He couldn’t do anything about his boyfriend’s growing anger and couldn’t say anything either.

Yuichi silently grabbed his boyfriend’s arm and pulled him to the shadow of a large column at the station. Ignoring whatever his boyfriend was about to say, he hugged him tightly.

“Idiot, let go!”

Even when his boyfriend shouted and struggled, Yuichi didn’t let go. He held on with both arms like a chain, not letting him escape. After a while, perhaps giving in to Yuichi’s stubbornness, his boyfriend quieted down.

“Please don’t be mad…”

Yuichi whispered into his ear.

“I’m begging you, please don’t be mad.”

“If you don’t want me to be mad, don’t do things that make me mad.”

Not knowing what had caused his boyfriend’s anger, Yuichi just nodded, saying, “Yeah, yeah.”

“Alright then, let’s go. For Hatsumode.”

“Forget Hatsumode.”

“Why?”

“You’re freezing…”

His breath came out white and cold.

“You’re so cold. I just want to take you home quickly.”

Their eyes met as his boyfriend looked up at him.

“Liar. I’m not cold; I ran here, remember?”

“But your clothes and hair are cold.”

His boyfriend furrowed his brow, squinting his right eye. After putting Yuichi through this tension, he sighed softly and murmured, “I guess I have no choice.”

“If you’re insisting that much, I’ll go to your place.”

As Yuichi felt relieved, his boyfriend suddenly gave him a light push as if sensing his relief. He turned away and started walking ahead. The walk from the station to the apartment was only about ten minutes. Yuichi hurried to follow him... but walking side by side felt awkward because of the lingering tension.

As he watched his boyfriend’s back, cutting through the night as he walked briskly, Yuichi began to feel uneasy. He feared that he might go off somewhere alone. Reaching out from behind, he quickly retracted his hand, took off his glove, and tucked it into his pocket... then, with his bare hand, he touched his boyfriend’s palm.

Even as they held hands, his boyfriend said nothing. Walking side by side didn’t make him angry. They walked in silence along the side of a deserted park, holding hands. Snowflakes fluttered down, their breaths and cheeks nearly freezing, but their hands remained warm.

“If you were the kind of person who’d just go home if I was late, I wouldn’t have bothered running here.”

He muttered quietly. Yuichi squeezed his hand tighter, and his boyfriend, almost as if to hide his embarrassment, said, “There’s a convenience store over there. Let’s get something. I want to eat something warm,” and pulled Yuichi’s hand along firmly.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Looking at the profile of the man dozing beside him, Masayuki Taniguchi thought, You've gotten better at kissing and sex. At first, kissing him felt like kissing a dog, and there was no denying that it felt like he was doing him a favor by letting him do it. But recently, he had even started taking the lead. Considering that some people lack a knack for such things, Kurokawa was actually quite impressive.

As Taniguchi gazed at the sleeping face, he thought again how handsome he was. His features had always been well-formed, but they had often seemed dull due to his timid nature. However, as Taniguchi fell deeper in love, Kurokawa began to look more and more attractive. He mused that perhaps this newfound admiration was just a result of being smitten.

Staring at him like this made Taniguchi want to do it again. But waking up a sleeping man and telling him to go at it seemed weird and uncool. With his desires still burning within him, Taniguchi buried his face in the sheets. The clean scent was comforting. The sheets on Kurokawa’s bed always seemed freshly laundered, no matter when Taniguchi came over. The room, though sparse and uncluttered, had a cozy feel. The simple, light brown leather sofa was Taniguchi’s favorite spot.

At first, he never imagined he would get so caught up in this. What started as a personal project to help someone reform had unexpectedly turned into a genuine affection, enough that he didn’t mind sleeping with a man. Even now, he sometimes wondered why, but the reason remained unclear. The only thing he was certain of was that his feelings were not just a fleeting impulse. Perhaps he was won over by the overwhelming aura of affection that Kurokawa exuded, enough to make him feel embarrassed.

The process of helping him reform was still ongoing. Taniguchi wanted to fix Kurokawa's weak will and lack of assertiveness, but it wasn’t something that could be accomplished overnight. It would take time. But lately, Taniguchi had started to think that maybe Kurokawa didn’t need to change. Even if he was timid and indecisive, Taniguchi didn’t dislike his earnestness.

Once awake, Taniguchi found it hard to fall back asleep. He turned over, recalling that it had been snowing heavily on their way back from the station. Curious to see how much snow had accumulated, he sat up and drew back the curtains. Peering out through a small gap, he saw that it was now snowing much harder than before, nearly a blizzard. Just the thought of it made his bare shoulders shiver with cold.

"What are you doing?" a sleepy voice came from behind.

"Oh, sorry. Did I wake you?" Taniguchi replied.

Slowly, the man beside him sat up, rubbing his eyes like a child.

"Look outside; it's snowing like crazy. A full-blown blizzard."

Kurokawa pressed himself against Taniguchi from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist. The warmth of his body quickly spread through Taniguchi, who had been feeling cold.

"Wow, it really is snowing hard," Kurokawa said, gazing out at the snow in a daze.

"That’s right, I almost forgot..."

Suddenly, Kurokawa shouted, startling Taniguchi, who turned around in surprise.

"Happy New Year! I look forward to being with you again this year."

Still holding him from behind, Kurokawa rubbed his cheek against Taniguchi's.

"Yeah, me too," Taniguchi replied, recalling with a wry smile that the first thing he had said in the new year was, "I'm late..."

"Not just this year, but next year and the year after that, I want to be with you," Kurokawa said.

Taniguchi gently patted the arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

"That depends on how hard you work," Taniguchi replied.

Kurokawa responded with a determined "I will," then pulled Taniguchi into the warmth of the sheets and gave him a long, lingering kiss that seemed to make time stand still.

Footnotes

0. Content warning: NSFW.

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