Bitterness of Youth: Part 9

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When he woke up, the surroundings were dimly lit. The space was empty, different from the usual view from his bunk bed, and as he wondered why, he remembered that he hadn’t returned to the facility.

He tried to get up, but his body felt weak. He was sluggish. His bare skin touched the cold air, causing his body to shiver involuntarily. He hastily burrowed back into the towel. The shivering wouldn’t stop, and his teeth chattered noisily. Even his breath felt feverish. When he touched his forehead, it was burning hot.

Maybe it was because he had gotten soaked in the rain yesterday. There was nothing he could do, so he curled up in the towel and drifted off to sleep.

The next time he woke up, it was already getting dark. He was drenched in sweat and incredibly thirsty. He approached the cupboard and pulled out the souvenirs Richard had given him. He had everything except underwear, so he layered on as many clothes as he could.

He moved closer to the window. When he opened the sash, the rain was still pouring down. He cupped his hands together, lightly forming a bowl, and extended them outside. Rainwater pooled in the hollow of his palms. He repeated the motion over and over, drinking the water.

As the rain gradually weakened and the wind grew colder, he noticed dust blowing into his palms. The dust dissolved with a touch. Akira pulled his hand back and watched the snow that had started falling. The sound of a car’s exhaust echoed in the distance. Even though he was at an abandoned factory by the river, it felt as if he were at the edge of a world he had never seen.

It grew colder again. He took the chocolate Richard had given him and wrapped himself in the towel. He couldn’t really taste it, but his stomach felt a little fuller.

Sleep was like warm mud, and he was quickly pulled under whenever he dozed off. No matter how much he slept, he felt like he could sleep more. He didn’t even dream. When he woke up thirsty, he scooped up snow and melted it in his mouth.

The next day, after the snow had stopped, Akira went outside the factory. He hesitated about whether to wear his half-dry jacket, but it was colder without it, so he put it on.

He walked down to the riverbank. The river, swollen with water, had the color of diluted coffee. If he drank it as it was, he might get sick. The park with the drinking fountain was far away. Just getting here had left him out of breath; he wasn’t sure if he could walk that far.

As he crouched down, he heard a voice say, "Hey." It was distant, so he didn’t think it was directed at him.

"...Hey, I’m talking to you."

This time it was closer. Akira turned around to see a brown bear standing there.

"What are you doing?"

The bear had a face on top of its brown fur—long hair, red lips, and eyelids painted in bright, tropical fish colors. He’d seen this face before. Oh, the man with the parasol...

"...Water," he mumbled.

The man tilted his head.

"I was trying to... drink some water..."

The man’s unnaturally thin eyebrows furrowed as if to say, what are you talking about?

“The river water? What are you, a dog?”

That’s right. He wasn’t a dog. But when he thought about how sleeping in an abandoned factory made him no different from a stray dog, it struck him as funny.

"What are you laughing at?"

I should go to the park. It was about a fifteen-minute walk, and Akira slowly stood up. The moment he did, the world tilted. The gray sky, the cold shock against his back, and then a deep, guttural scream.

As he sank into the cold water, it still looked like pale coffee.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Everything in front of him was pink. The soft sheets, the comforter, even the pillows were all pink. The wallpaper had pink and white stripes with a rose pattern as an accent. From the ceiling, heart-shaped ornaments hung down, glittering as they swayed. Where am I? This place feels like a toy box, and it’s unsettling. ...When he tried to get up, his shoulders and back ached dully, causing him to groan, "Ugh."

"Oh, you're awake?" 

A man approached. He had a buzz cut and was shirtless, wearing pink boxer shorts that blended in with the room. 

"When you fell into the river, I was so shocked—I thought you might die. I had Turner take a look at you, and aside from the fever, there’s nothing to worry about. Turner said it’s probably just a cold. Oh, by the way, Turner is a friend of mine. A crappy doctor who’s always spoiling some crazy deadbeat guy, but he’s got decent skills. Want some water?" 

When Akira nodded, a bottle of water was handed to him. The lukewarm water soothed his parched throat, and he drank it all in no time.

"Want another?" 

He shook his head. The man murmured "Alright," and touched Akira’s forehead. 

"You’ve still got a bit of a fever. Do you want something to eat?" 

"No." 

When he spoke, his throat felt dry and rough, as if it had been stuffed with paraffin paper, making it painful to talk.

The man had a solid build. Despite his masculine appearance, he spoke in a feminine manner, and his gestures were soft and graceful like a woman’s. 

"You’re underage, right? How old are you?" 

Akira turned his face away. The man sighed, "You know..."

"It’s a problem if you don’t tell me anything. I didn’t know your name or address, so I brought you here, but if things stay like this, I could get arrested for kidnapping a minor." 

I’m causing trouble for him. I see. Then I need to go somewhere else. He tried to get out of bed, but his legs wouldn’t support him, and he collapsed back onto the floor. The man quickly moved to support him.

"What’s wrong all of a sudden? Do you need to pee?" 

"...I want to go home." 

"You can’t go home by yourself. If you tell me where you live, I’ll take you there."

Home... home... Would that be the facility? But I don’t want to go back there. Maybe I should ask him to take me to the abandoned factory. Could I live there forever? What about school? I can’t do anything. I have nowhere to go.

"I don’t want to go home." 

The man was silent for a moment. Then he gently patted Akira’s shoulder and said, "For now, get back under the covers. Your fever will come back."

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The man’s name was Ingrid¹, and he was forty-two years old. With his thick makeup on, his age was indeterminate, but once he wiped it off, he looked about the age he claimed. He had a wife and child from whom he was separated, and the child was the same age as Akira. He was an odd man who would munch on strawberry cake first thing in the morning. ...At the facility, cake was something only eaten during Christmas or birthday celebrations.

“When I turned thirty-five, I decided to stop forcing myself. I thought I’d start living honestly with my heart.” 

He licked the whipped cream off his pink-painted nails. The man kept the house heated to the point where he was sweating, spending his time in nothing but pink underwear.

With pink everywhere, it didn’t feel like he was in the real world. The only thing that stood out in contrast was a brown coat.

“It got wet when I pulled you out of the water. I know I should send it to the cleaners, but it’s expensive.” 

Ingrid sat on the bed next to Akira, lighting a cigarette. Each time he took a drag, the tip glowed red. The smell of the cigarette reminded Akira of Isahaya, which he hated, but this was someone else’s house, so he couldn’t ask him to stop.

“To be honest, I wanted a mink coat. But mink was too expensive. It cost about twice as much as this one, so I swallowed my tears and gave up on it. I should have just bought it and dealt with the consequences.” 

Crushing the half-smoked cigarette into the ashtray, Ingrid tilted his head and asked, “Is this kind of talk boring you?”

“Not… entirely.”

Ingrid covered his mouth and laughed. 

“What’s that? Sounds like a politician’s answer.”

After laughing for a while, Ingrid sighed. 

“I’m not bad at talking, but I have no idea what to talk about with someone your age. So, what kind of TV shows do you watch?” 

“I don’t.” 

“Then, do you have any favorite celebrities?” 

“No.”

Ingrid huffed and placed his hands on his hips. 

“Then, what do you do to relieve yourself, Curly?” 

“...Relieve myself?” 

“Masturbation, of course. How do you do it?”

Akira’s earlobes burned with embarrassment. The man reached out with his cool hand and grabbed Akira’s ear. 

“You’re adorable.”

Even when Akira looked down, Ingrid persisted, asking, “So, how do you do it, really?” 

“...It just happens by itself in the mornings.”

Just as Akira noticed the sudden silence, the man doubled over on the bed, shoulders shaking with laughter. Akira felt his entire body flush with shame, as if it were on fire. 

“Sorry. You’re just so innocent; it’s cute.”

He patted Akira’s head. Akira had never talked about such things with anyone. Not with the male staff, not with Isahaya. He’d only ever overheard older kids talking about it... 

“Hey, Curly, don’t you have a girl you like?” 

Ingrid tugged on a lock of Akira’s hair. 

“No.” 

“Not even your first crush?” 

“I don’t like anyone.” 

“You’re a lonely kid, aren’t you?”

The words, muttered softly, caught Akira off guard. His chest tightened with a sharp pain. Even after the pain subsided, a lingering sense of discomfort remained, like a scratch that wouldn’t heal.

“Curly, don’t you want to go home?” 

It was a question Akira didn’t want to be asked. He averted his eyes.

“Even if I look like this, I’m still a parent. If a kid doesn’t come home for several days, their family will be worried.”

I don’t have a family.

“I could pretend to be a friend’s parent and take you home. I have a proper suit, so I could pass as a regular guy. Then maybe you wouldn’t get in trouble.”

Akira shook his head. 

“Why don’t you want to go home? Did you have a fight with your parents?”

Akira moved away from the man and buried himself under the pink sheets. 

“Hey.”

Ingrid poked at Akira’s foot sticking out from the covers. 

“Curly, you’re adorable. If you were over twenty, I wouldn’t mind if you stayed here as long as you wanted, but you’re still a minor.”

Akira pulled his foot back under the sheets. 

“...I’m twenty this year.” 

“Don’t lie. With skin as smooth as yours, you can’t be more than fifteen or sixteen.”

He was caught immediately. Akira fell silent, and Ingrid quieted down as well. 

“What is it that you want to do, Curly?”

Surrounded by pink, Akira thought for a moment. 

“...I want to go to America.” 

“America?”

Ingrid repeated the word in a surprised tone. 

“I want to study abroad. I’ll work part-time, save money...” 

“Are your parents against you studying abroad?” 

“I don’t have parents. They’re dead. So I have to save the money myself...”

Ingrid suddenly threw back the sheets. His face was right in front of Akira’s. 

“In that case, I’ll lend you the money.”

Akira shook his head. 

“No.” 

“I’m not giving it to you, I’m lending it. You can pay me back whenever you can.” 

“No.” 

“But you want to go to America, don’t you?”

Ingrid tilted his head as if he couldn’t understand why Akira was refusing his offer. 

“...Because I might not be able to pay it back.”

The man chuckled, a laugh that sounded almost feminine. 

“It doesn’t matter how many years it takes to pay me back.”

“I might die.” 

Ingrid shrugged and said, “Who’s going to die? Me?” When Akira didn’t respond, he laughed and asked, “Are you saying you might die, Curly?”

“There’s no way you’re going to die. I’ve lived more than twice as long as you have.” 

“Even children can die,” Akira said, his mind flashing to the image of Hiroaki, who had died without fully understanding what was happening.

“I won’t say it’s impossible, but kids usually outlive adults. Hey, studying abroad costs a lot of money, doesn’t it? Can a high school student’s part-time job really cover it?”

His savings weren’t nearly enough. Not even close... And he’d skipped work at his newspaper delivery job without permission.

“No matter how much a kid tries to act tough, some things are just beyond them. You should listen to what adults tell you.”

Even as Ingrid’s thick fingers gently stroked his cheek, Akira stubbornly shook his head.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

By noon, the fever that had subsided in the morning slowly started to rise again. In the evening, the man took an hour to carefully apply his makeup and put on a skirt. He piled drinks and a mountain of bread near the bed before saying, "I'm off to work," and left the house.

When you have a fever, you can sleep endlessly. After drinking some water, eating a little, and lying back down, Akira quickly lost consciousness. He was awakened by the sound of the front door opening. It was already pitch black outside.

"Sissssss, listen to this!"

The bedroom door swung open wide. The light flooding in from the hallway was blindingly harsh, making Akira's eyes ache.

"What? Are you already asleep? You’re not some old person, you know!"

Suddenly, the room was brightly lit. The person who entered was a flashy woman, with golden hair and heavy makeup. Under her black coat, she wore a sparkling purple dress.

The blonde woman widened her eyes for a moment, then approached the bed. She brazenly examined Akira's face before clasping her hands together and squealing, "So cute!"

"Sis! What’s the deal with hiding such an adorable little boy?"

Her fingers brushed against his cheek… the overwhelming scent of perfume filled the air.

"I can't believe this! I've been stuck in a desert of men for so long. It’s not fair! I’ll just have to take this one!"

Before Akira could grasp what was happening, the woman suddenly pounced on him. The stench of alcohol filled his nostrils, and something warm and damp touched his lips. It was all inconceivable. He tried to push her away, but he was too weak. The weight of another body pressed down on him.

"Yuki-na! Wake up! What do you think you're doing?!"

A high-pitched voice rang in his ears. Suddenly, the weight on top of him lifted, and Akira saw the blonde woman fly across the room, crashing into the corner.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Curly. Are you okay?"

The man knelt beside the bed, looking as though he was about to cry. Akira wiped the lingering warm sensation from his lips with his fingertips.

"...Yeah…"

"She's my roommate. I’m so sorry she did something weird."

The blonde woman, legs spread wide with her black panties in full view, raised her right hand angrily. "Weird? All I did was give him a little kiss!"

"He's under my care! Keep your hands off him!"

The woman, whom the man had called Yukina, pouted her lips and stormed out of the room. The man hurried after her, and about thirty minutes later, they both returned.

"I'm sooo sorry! I got a little tipsy."

Now dressed in gray sweatpants and a matching top, her blonde wig and makeup removed, Yukina was bald. She looked like a completely different person, and even though she still used feminine speech, she no longer resembled a woman.

"When she gets drunk, she turns into a kissing monster, but she’s not a bad person."

The man ruffled Yukina's shaved head roughly before saying, "I’ll go make some tea," and left the room. Once he was out of sight, Yukina scooted closer to Akira and plopped down at the head of the bed.

"Hey, how old are you?"

Her purple, witch-like nails looked menacing against the pink sheets.

"Sixteen."

Yukina snorted, "Hmph," through her nose.

"I'm twenty-six. But I still only look about twenty, right?"

The boy didn’t know how old she looked. He didn't agree or disagree, so Yukina pouted again, "You could flatter me a little, you know."

"I heard from my sister that you ran away from home. I left home when I was sixteen too. My father caught me having sex with a classmate at home, called me a 'maggot,' beat me, and threw me out. It was the worst. I've never gone back since."

Yukina repeated "the worst" with a smile.

"…Can you survive on your own after running away?"

Yukina clasped her hands together.

"Well, somehow it'll work out. Being a teenager is valuable, so people often pay whatever you ask. I even lied about it being my first time and charged 100,000 yen for one session, and someone actually paid it. I kept insisting I was a teenager until I was 23 or 24, but I can't pull that off anymore."

From the tone of the conversation, I could tell that she used to engage in prostitution. I knew there were guys who made money that way too.

"Do you wear women's clothes and do that kind of stuff?"

"Actually, it's easier to sell as a guy."

He'd heard stories about boys in other facilities getting into trouble for doing similar things just to make some pocket money.

"How do you find customers?"

"If you go to those kinds of places, they'll come to you."

"What kind of places?"

"Places like cruising spots. There are a bunch of them."

Yukina, addressing someone who wasn't there, said, "Sis, I'm taking one," and pulled out a cigarette from the case on the table, lighting it. She took a drag and grimaced.

"Ugh, sis's cigarettes are so strong."

"Tell me."

Yukina turned back lazily, like cigarette smoke drifting away.

"Tell you what?"

"Where I can find those cruising spots."

"Huh?"

Yukina's voice, mixed with smoke, burst out through her nose.

"Are you... gay? Do you like men?"

He shook my head.

"Then why are you asking about a cruising spot?"

"I need money."

"Are you stupid? Learning how to make money at your age won’t get you anywhere. Just go home and focus on school."

"I need money."

Exhaling a puff of smoke, Yukina muttered, "This really doesn't suit me," and pressed the barely smoked cigarette into an ashtray decorated with a Pink Panther illustration.

"You might think it's easy to make money by selling yourself, but the world isn't that simple. There are disgusting, fat, creepy old men out there with looks that are zero on the attractiveness scale. Can you handle putting a stinking dick in your mouth from a guy who hasn’t bathed in days? Can you take a gangster or thug's thick, pearl-studded cock up your ass?"

"I don't care."

Yukina shrugged and said, "Unbelievable."

"Alright, here you go. I made it chai-style."

A man's cheerful voice and the smell of spices filled the air. Yukina muttered, "Sis, this kid is out of his mind."

"You're the one who's crazy," the man laughed, not taking her seriously.

"He's asking me to arrange prostitution for him! He says he needs money."

The tray placed on the table made a loud clattering sound.

"Curly, is this true?"

When he nodded, the man shouted sharply, "No way! Absolutely not, absolutely, absolutely not. You might think it's just your body, but with things like that, you're selling off pieces of your heart bit by bit too!"

Akira fell silent. It wasn’t that he agreed; he just figured resisting would cause more trouble. If he could make 100,000 yen in one go, he could rent an apartment after just three times. If he worked hard enough, he could even save up for a trip to America. Even if it was unpleasant, it wouldn’t be for nothing.

"Hey, do you understand?"

When the man repeated himself, Akira emptied his mind and nodded.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The man’s bed was large enough that the two of them could sleep comfortably together. Even though they had been sleeping together while Akira was lost in the fog of his cold, he hadn’t noticed. His fever had dropped significantly, and perhaps because of that, he couldn’t sleep as heavily anymore.

By tomorrow, he would probably be feeling much better. Then, he’d leave this place. If he could find a place with internet access, he could look up the cruising spots Yukina had mentioned.

“Hey, Curly,” the man said, assuming Akira was asleep. 

“What?” 

“Can I hug you?”

When Akira didn’t respond, the man moved closer and wrapped his arms around him from behind. His grip was strong.

“Does it feel gross to be held like this?” 

“…Your back is warm.”

The man chuckled, his breath brushing against the nape of Akira’s neck.

“I haven’t seen my son since I left home. I’m too scared to face him. Before I left, I was just an ordinary dad. If he saw me now, I’m sure he’d be so shocked that his heart would stop.”

The man’s fingers intertwined and played on Akira’s stomach.

“They say my son is really serious. A friend of mine teaches at the school he attends, and she often shows me photos of him. He’s looking more and more like his mother as the years go by. My friend offers to send me his pictures, but I always decline. I want them so badly, but I’m too scared. I keep thinking, what if I die in some accident? And then someone finds those pictures on my phone and traces them back to him. What if he finds out that his father was living as a woman? I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.”

The warmth on his back was making Akira sleepy.

“I hope my son won’t hate me, like you don’t, Curly.”

...The next morning, as expected, his temperature was back to normal. For the first time in a while, he felt genuinely hungry as he ate breakfast. The man began doing laundry and cleaning, and when Akira offered to help, he was told, “You’re still recovering, Curly,” and wasn’t allowed to do anything. With nothing else to do, he sat on the bed, careful not to be a bother, and thought vaguely about what lay ahead.

In the early afternoon, the man left the house key on the table and went out to work. He hadn’t been told to leave. In the evening, hearing a noise in the hallway, Akira stepped out of the room and found Yukina, dressed in a blue dress with a coat over it, smoking a cigarette in front of the shared kitchen sink.

“You’re still here?” she muttered, as if she couldn’t care less, before taking another drag on her cigarette.

“Tell me,” Akira said. 

“Tell you what?” 

“About the cruising spot.”

Yukina stubbed out her cigarette in the sink, looking incredulous. 

“Are you serious? Didn’t Sis scold you yesterday? She said it’s absolutely off-limits.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“What’s with that attitude? After everything Sis did to help you, that’s how you talk?”

Akira fell silent, and Yukina leaned in closer, bending down to peer into his face.

“You do feel grateful to Sis, don’t you?”

Her words cut through him. Akira bit his lower lip and met Yukina’s gaze.

“This is my life.”

Yukina was silent for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s your life.”

“I’m heading to work now. I’ll take you there on the way.”

◇:-:◆:-:◇

He left the apartment at 6:30 PM. Having been inside the warm room, he hadn’t noticed how cold it was outside, with the wind blowing fiercely.

The houses were packed closely together, creating a cluttered environment. The train tracks were nearby, and no matter where he looked, the scenery was unfamiliar.

Yukina and Akira took a taxi and rode for about fifteen minutes. They got out just before a bridge and walked for another five minutes until they entered a business district. In the middle of it was a small park where Yukina stopped. The bright red letters on a sign near the entrance that read "Take your pet's poop with you" stood out starkly under the streetlights.

“If you stay in this park, men will approach you on their own. Of course, they have their own preferences, so just be patient until someone talks to you. You can set your price however you like,” Yukina said before walking away.

Akira slowly walked around the small park, which didn’t seem to be more than twenty meters square, and then sat on a bench. The wind made it cold, and he instinctively hunched over.

The sound of the wind echoed loudly. Even though Yukina had told him to be patient, hardly anyone entered the park. The few that did were just walking their dogs.

Even if he managed to earn money, would the facility let him live on his own? ...No, even if they didn’t, he would leave. But he’d like to go back for his uniform, bag, and textbooks. If it became too much trouble, he could sneak in at night and take them. School... school... Would he be able to keep going as before? He had already lost track of how many days he had missed.

“Hey, you.”

He hadn’t noticed someone was so close. A man in his thirties, wearing a down jacket over a suit, was looking down at him. His tie was bright orange... flashy.

“What are you doing here?” 

The man didn’t seem to fit the image of someone overweight or unkempt, like Yukina had described.

“I was waiting for someone to talk to me,” Akira replied.

The man in the down jacket smiled pleasantly. “I’m the first one? Guess I’m lucky.”

His tone was light. Akira recognized this type of person... and it gave him a bad feeling.

“Are you contracted with any agency?” 

“No.”

“Interested in the entertainment industry?” 

“No.”

Even as Akira shook his head, the man cheerfully sat down next to him. “No way, weren’t you waiting to be scouted?”

“You’re a bit short, but with your looks, you could start working right away. Would you prefer modeling or acting?”

“Hey! You over there!!”

A voice with a deep tone caused the man in the down jacket to flinch.

“What are you doing with my kid?”

A man in a brown fur coat approached, walking bowlegged. The man in the down jacket stood up as if spring-loaded.

“Oh, um... Are you... the mother?” 

The man’s voice trembled.

“You think I look like a mother?” 

“Oh, you’re the father! I’m so sorry!” The man in the down jacket shrieked like a dying chicken and ran off. Even after he disappeared from sight, the man’s face remained angry.

“What are you doing here!” 

Akira couldn’t explain. He clammed up.

“Yukina told me everything. You want money, so what do you think you’re doing?”

The man ruffled his long hair in frustration, causing his wig to shift slightly to the left.

“If you need money, I told you I’d lend it to you. You can pay me back whenever you want, so why are you doing this? It makes no sense!”

A man walking his dog made a U-turn at the park entrance at the sound of his shouting.

“Say something!” 

The man’s voice echoed loudly in the park, surrounded by buildings. If Akira stayed silent, he would probably get yelled at again. Being scolded continuously was tough... He reluctantly spoke up.

“I... can’t trust you.”

The man’s eyelids, the color of bluefish, widened. His face twisted as if he were about to cry, and his lips quivered.

“How stupid!” 

The man turned his back on Akira and swung his arms like an obstinate child.

“I waded into the river and soaked my coat to help you. I’ve looked after you for three days, fed you, and even offered to lend you money, and that’s how you talk to me? I can’t believe it!”

The man started to walk away. As he left the park, his brown figure quickly disappeared from view. The quiet sound of wind blowing between the buildings returned. Akira sat down on the bench and exhaled. The man had been kind and warm. Even knowing that, saying "I can’t trust you" was the truth. He couldn’t trust people... didn’t want to trust them.

The wind picked up, and as he hugged his knees, he heard something fall with a clink. He peeked under the bench. It was a key. Now that he thought about it, he had taken the room key with him when he left. He needed to return it, but he didn’t know where the apartment was. The key was still slightly warm from being in his pocket.

He had been given up on and left behind. He wouldn’t return to that room. So what should he do with this key? Should he turn it in at a police box?

A shadow entered the park. A round, bear-like figure. The man, who had come back, looked down at Akira with the same angry expression as before.

“…You’re such a strange kid.”

He pointed at Akira, almost stabbing the air with his finger.

“You were talking about drinking river water earlier. That’s right, you’re a weird kid. And teenagers are just stupid. Idiots. You’re dumber than monkeys in a monkey mountain.”

Tears spilled from between his unnaturally long eyelashes.

“I’m a proper adult now. Even if I dress like a woman, I have common sense. So I’ve decided not to care about what a monkey-brained idiot like you says.”

If that’s the case, then don’t cry, Akira thought, but the man’s tears wouldn’t stop.

“I thought you were cute, but I was wrong. I can’t figure out what you’re thinking. I would’ve preferred it if you’d just taken my bankbook and seal and run off.”

I would never steal from someone... Akira thought as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the key.

“Here, I’m returning this.”

He dropped it into the man’s palm. The man clenched the key tightly.

“…What are you going to do now?” 

The man wiped his tears with his clenched right hand and sniffed loudly.

“I’ll live on my own.” 

“How?” 

His voice was as cold as the wind between the buildings.

“I’ll earn money and go to school.” 

“By selling your body? You can’t do that. You’re too stupid to understand, so let me explain. That’s illegal. If you’re caught, you and the idiot who buys you will both be arrested.”

“W-what?”

He had assumed it would be fine because he wasn’t a girl. But the two characters for “crime” swirled in his mind, leaving him confused. Get caught? Sent to a juvenile detention center because he was a minor? If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to... go to America.

“I’m telling you this for your own good. Go home quietly and attend school.”

Even though the options had been expanding, albeit in a twisted form, it suddenly felt like shutters were slamming down from all directions, trapping him. He couldn’t bear it.

“I don’t want to go back.”

He shook his head vigorously.

“Why not? Do you really hate the person taking care of you that much? They’re letting you attend school, aren’t they? Saying you don’t want to go home is just selfish.”

“I don’t trust him.”

The man furrowed his brow as if to say, “Here we go again…”

“Maybe he doesn’t trust you because you don’t trust him.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“It is. You’re just being selfish.”

This man didn’t understand. He knew nothing about what he had been through. That’s why it made him so angry.

“I trusted him. But he lied to me. Not just once, either.”

“Everyone lies, you know.”

He couldn’t respond. He knew that. Everyone lies. But Isahaya’s lies were...

“You should just forgive him. People lie because they’re weak. That’s why you need to be the bigger person.”

Weak? What part of Isahaya was weak? He was an adult, had a home, a job, and looked after so many kids whose parents couldn’t raise them. Compared to him, a helpless kid, Isahaya was much, much stronger.

“I can’t forgive him!”

He couldn’t forgive an adult who, thinking he wouldn’t know, casually sold the gift that had been given to him at a flea market. Even if he went back to the facility, he couldn’t pretend like nothing had happened.

The man planted his hands on his hips and stood firmly in his brown coat.

“Let me tell you something as someone who’s lived twenty years longer than you. Right now, you might hate and not be able to forgive him, but that won’t last forever.”

The words struck his chest like a punch.

“In the future, you’ll forgive him. You’ll get busy with your own life, and you won’t care about others anymore. So, don’t mess up your life over someone who won’t even matter to you.”

His life... his future... He couldn’t see anything. Not even a few hours ahead to tomorrow.

“I want to go to America...”

Just thinking about going to America saved him.

“Then go.”

“I don’t have the money. I need money.”

“So the only thing you can trust is money, huh?”

“Money isn’t a person.”

That’s right. Money isn’t a person. It doesn’t betray you. As their argument ceased, the sound of the wind between buildings grew louder. A police car’s siren blared as it sped past the road ahead.

“If you need money that badly, I’ll help you get a job.”

The man’s voice no longer sounded angry.

“You’ll do anything as long as you get the money, right?”

He nodded silently.

“I’ll let you work as much as you need to save up. But you have to go home first.”

“I don’t want to!”

His heart reacted like a taut string.

“It’s not like your guardian is violent or anything. You won’t die if you stay with him, will you?”

He had... nothing to say to that.

“Go home, attend school, and work for me. That way, you’ll save money, and you can go to America. Just compromise. You can’t always get what you want in life, not even in the future.”

He clenched his teeth. He couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to accept it. But he didn’t know what else to do. Something cold brushed his cheek, carried by the wind. Snow... It had started to snow.

“For now, just come back to my place tonight.”

The man grabbed his right hand and pulled him along, like a child. The hand was warm, but it wasn’t his. He was aware of the firm grip of the man’s fingers as he repeated his words in his head. He had never expected everything to go his way. Had his wishes ever been granted?

Expectations were always betrayed. And from those who didn’t expect anything... things were given on a whim. The taxi ride home was warm, and he dozed off a little. He heard the man mutter beside him, “Kids are like ticking time bombs.”

It was probably about him, but somehow, he didn’t care anymore. So he ignored it.

Footnotes

1. The text in Japanese refers to Ingrid as male. The author uses masculine descriptors and pronouns, such as "男" (which means "man" in Japanese), to clearly establish Ingrid’s gender as male. So I will keep the pronouns the author chose.

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