"Goodbye," you waved your hand: Chapter 2 - part 4

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He had a bad dream. But by the time he woke up, all that remained was the unpleasant feeling and cold sweat—he couldn’t remember a single detail. It felt like he might have experienced something similar a long time ago, or perhaps it was just an unpleasant creation of his mind. Not wanting to waste time digging up forgotten bad memories, Keisuke quietly slipped out of bed after confirming that Seiichi was still sound asleep.

There was only one bed here. Even with his ex-wife, they had slept separately. At first, the arrangement felt strange, but soon enough, he grew accustomed to the warmth of another person beside him as he slept. Wearing just his pajamas, he walked down the cold hallway and took a beer from the fridge in the kitchen. Despite feeling mentally prepared, the moment he dreaded never seemed to arrive. He kept bracing himself, expecting that Seiichi would eventually lose interest, that he’d soon sense a shift in Seiichi’s feelings—but there was no sign of that happening from the man beside him.

When Keisuke had moved to Tokyo five years ago, Seiichi already had a lover. He would sleep with Keisuke too, but his lover always came first. Whenever his phone rang, even in the middle of sex, he would leave immediately. He loved Keisuke on a whim, and just as whimsically, he would leave him behind. And Keisuke accepted that; he didn’t have any other choice. After all, they were both men, and he couldn’t envision what their future would look like. He was satisfied simply with the fact that Seiichi would hold him, that he would acknowledge him at all. It had always been one-sided from start to finish, and that was fine with him.

He had assumed it would be the same this time. Even though Seiichi had called him to Tokyo, Keisuke was prepared for the possibility that Seiichi might find another lover, that he might be treated coldly again on a whim. How long had it been since he moved here? Two, nearly three weeks now, and Seiichi hadn’t changed. Every day, no matter how late, Seiichi always came back to the apartment. Unless he had to attend a work event, he never ate out without Keisuke. When work kept him late, he always made sure to call. Keisuke had never asked him to keep him updated for the sake of dinner preparations, yet Seiichi was unfailingly considerate.

On his days off, they always spent time together. Even when going out, it was always the two of them. If Keisuke went out even for simple errands, Seiichi would ask, "Where are you going?" and follow along. And he was kind—so kind it made Keisuke uneasy. In the past, their sex had often been rough, dictated by Seiichi’s mood. If he was in a bad mood, he’d be rougher; if not, he’d be gentler. Now, it was different. Seiichi might still be demanding, but he was overwhelmingly gentle. The way his fingers touched Keisuke made it clear just how careful he was being. He would embrace him gently, softly invading Keisuke until he fell apart completely.

He should be content with such tenderness. But why couldn’t he find peace? Why did this kindness, like it came from a different person, make him so anxious? Keisuke sat cross-legged on the cold living room floor, finishing his beer. He shivered from the chill, but the alcohol made his body flush with warmth.

A pack of Seiichi’s cigarettes lay carelessly forgotten in the corner of the room, and Keisuke took one. Being held gently, feeling good—he had no complaints. It was better than being in pain. But... He raked his hair with his right hand. He didn’t want to get used to this. He didn’t want to become accustomed to such a sweet sensation. If Seiichi was going to become distant, he wanted it to happen quickly. That way, it wouldn’t hurt as much later, when Seiichi found a new lover and no longer needed him.

He remembered Kunihiro’s words from earlier that day. Even if it seemed like someone loved you, that feeling wouldn’t last forever. Affection faded away with time, vanishing as soon as it appeared. No matter how much you cared, someday it would be gone. A creak echoed through the floorboards, and Keisuke turned to see the man who troubled his heart so deeply standing behind him.

“You weren’t there, so I wondered where you’d gone.”

Seiichi sat down beside Keisuke, who remained seated on the floor, and took the beer from him. After a sip, Seiichi winced and muttered, "It’s cold." His fingertips brushed against Keisuke’s ear, and the warmth made Keisuke realize just how cold he had been.

“Can’t sleep?” Seiichi asked.

Keisuke closed his eyes.

“I had a bad dream.”

“What kind of dream?”

“I don’t remember. I just remember being scared.”

Before he could feel embarrassed that Seiichi might think he had been crying over a mere dream, he found himself enveloped in a warm embrace

“It was just a dream, forget about it.”

As Seiichi’s arms tightened around him, Keisuke overlapped his fingers with his and wondered which one was the real dream. Here was Seiichi, the person he had wished for back in high school, right beside him. Maybe this—this presence, this warmth—was the true dream, ready to burst like a balloon with the prick of a tiny needle...

“A coworker said he saw us,” Keisuke said, his voice quiet.

“Saw what?” Seiichi asked gently.

“Saw us having sex in the park.”

The arms around him trembled violently.

“He said he wouldn’t tell anyone. He mentioned that he’s gay himself.”

Silence filled the space between them. Keisuke couldn’t see what thoughts were running through Seiichi’s mind as he held him.

“I’ve put you in an awkward position, haven’t I?” Seiichi’s unexpected words came, accompanied by a gentle stroke of Keisuke’s head. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I was the one who wanted to do it there. Even though you clearly didn’t want to.”

Keisuke felt something inside him beginning to crumble. That’s not it, that’s not it... But the words he needed wouldn’t come.

“You don’t have to worry about it. I don’t care about that at all. It’s not...”

Seiichi kissed his hair, and the fingers that had been tracing his cheek suddenly gripped Keisuke’s chin firmly.

“Speaking of which, didn’t you once mention a coworker who kissed you?”

Keisuke didn’t understand why he was being confronted about this now.

“The guy who said he’s gay—is it that same guy?” Seiichi pressed.

Keisuke nodded, and Seiichi’s face immediately darkened with irritation. Keisuke reached out, touching his sulking cheek gently.

“It’s just a kiss; it doesn’t mean anything. You’ve kissed a lot of girls too, right? It’s the same thing. Don’t worry about it...”

But suddenly, Seiichi shook his shoulders, forcing him to look up at his angry face.

“Are you blaming me? Yeah, I messed around with lots of girls back then. But that’s normal, isn’t it? Just so you know, I haven’t been with a woman for five years. I’ve been living a clean and chaste life.”

So what? Keisuke thought. Even hearing that, he couldn’t fully believe that he was the only one. But even if it was a lie, it felt good to hear it. There was a kind of empty comfort in those words, a sense of superiority that he couldn’t quite ignore. And in that moment, he realized that sometimes, even a lie can hold a certain value.

“Kissing is just like saying hello in some countries. I don’t care about it,” Keisuke said.

“Maybe you don’t care, but I do!” Seiichi shot back.

Their conversation was out of sync. Confused, Keisuke found himself pushed away as Seiichi stood up.

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” Seiichi accused.

“I’m not.”

As if he could ever do such a thing.

“Then what, are you trying to make me jealous?”

“Are you... jealous?”

Seiichi’s face flushed red, and he spat out, “Forget it!” before storming out of the room. Keisuke remained seated, replaying their conversation in his head. Eventually, the cold started to seep into his back, and he returned to the bedroom that was supposed to be warm. Times like these made sharing one bed inconvenient. Even when things were awkward, they had to sleep in the same place.

“Is it okay if I get in next to you?”

“Do whatever you want,” came the reply, Seiichi’s back still turned toward him. Keisuke considered sleeping elsewhere, but it felt too passive-aggressive to leave with just a blanket. He slipped into the bed as quietly as he could. Seiichi’s back was broad and sulking. Keisuke felt an inexplicable need to say something before he fell asleep.

“About what I said earlier, I really wasn’t trying to tease you. I know this might sound strange, but... thank you for caring about me.”

Seiichi turned to face him, his expression tinged with a kind of sadness. He clung to Keisuke almost desperately.

“How could I not care about you?” Seiichi’s voice shook slightly. “If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have stayed celibate for five years. I wouldn’t have kept visiting you every year, even though I knew you were married. I wouldn’t have been so happy when I heard about your divorce that I rushed over to pick you up. I wouldn’t have bought an apartment that’s more than I deserve. I did all of that because I want to be with you. How can you not understand that?”

It wasn’t that Keisuke couldn’t feel the love. It was just that... a deeper anxiety had taken root in his heart, overshadowing everything else.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

"The rain’s awful today, huh?" Kunihiro said, using the lull to let out a big yawn. "Not like we’re going to get many guests at a rundown hotel like this in the middle of a weekday. Did you check today’s reservation list? It’s a joke."

Keisuke nervously glanced toward the back office, worried that the manager might overhear, but it seemed the sound hadn’t reached him.

"Keep your voice down, or he’ll hear you. Besides, this is a nice hotel. It’s way cleaner and cheaper than the inn I used to run."

"Wow, Himi-san, your place must have been really run-down if you think this is nice," Kunihiro replied with his usual bluntness, making Keisuke smile wryly. After working together for about a month, you start to get a sense of each other’s lives. Kunihiro, who seemed so bright, friendly, and endlessly positive, had a very different approach when it came to relationships.

"Honestly, I’m not that picky," Kunihiro continued. "As long as it’s a guy, I don’t care too much. Sure, I have preferences, but just because I like someone doesn’t mean it’s going to work out. So why bother chasing after someone who’s probably not interested? It’s easier to just hook up with whoever’s around and into me. And anyway, once the lights are off, you can’t see faces, right? And personality matters even less."

Every time Kunihiro talked like this, Keisuke couldn’t help but be surprised. With a carefree expression, Kunihiro would say things like, "If I want it, I’ll take it, even if I have to force it," and laugh while adding, "But if I get bored, I’ll break things off right away. No point staying if it’s not fun anymore." Maybe because of this freewheeling attitude toward love, Kunihiro currently didn’t have a steady partner. He had only told Keisuke about being gay and no one else. Since Kunihiro saw Keisuke as a kindred spirit, he often brought up some pretty risqué topics when they were alone. Kunihiro seemed amused by Keisuke’s reactions, but his curiosity was genuine, and he had no intention of sharing their conversations or personal details with anyone else.

"I liked you from the start, Himi-san," Kunihiro had once said. "You’ve got that fair, beautiful skin. But don’t worry. I’m not going to make a move on you. We work together, and if things went wrong, it’d just be a hassle. Plus, you’ve got a boyfriend, and I’m sure someone like me isn’t even on your radar." Kunihiro plopped down into a chair at the front desk, fidgeting and making the chair creak like a bored school kid. The noise reached the back office, prompting a sharp "Quiet down!" from the manager, and Kunihiro immediately stopped.

"No way we’re getting any customers today. Hey, why don’t we grab a drink after work?" Kunihiro suggested.

Keisuke smiled politely. "Sorry, but I have to make dinner."

Kunihiro pouted. "Himi-san, you’re always saying you have to make dinner. Can’t you skip it just once?"

"I actually enjoy cooking, and I like seeing him enjoy the food I make."

"Ugh, that’s way too sweet. Just listening to you makes me feel itchy. I don’t like that stuff. When you get too attached, things can get really messy when it falls apart," Kunihiro said with a shrug, and Keisuke gave a wry smile. Even if you try to keep your distance, when you fall for someone, you fall hard. Holding back because you’re afraid of the outcome means the feelings were never that deep to begin with.

"Having a steady partner can be nice sometimes, but it comes with restrictions. Being alone is just easier," Kunihiro added, then leaned in closer, standing up from the chair and bringing his lips near Keisuke’s ear.

"So, how about it? Just once—with me?"

He had said he wouldn’t make a move, but here he was. Keisuke, seeing Kunihiro’s words change so easily, playfully pinched his nose.

"No way."

"Am I not your type?" Kunihiro asked, looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

"It’s not about type. There’s no point in sleeping with someone I don’t have feelings for," Keisuke replied.

Kunihiro tilted his head, puzzled. "It feels good no matter who it’s with, right? And no matter what fancy reasons you give, sex is just a human need. When you eat, do you stop and think about the lives of the vegetables or the pig on your plate? At most, you just think, ‘That was good,’ and that’s it. It’s the same with sex. Getting hung up on the meaning behind it is what’s strange."

Having said his piece, Kunihiro left Keisuke with nothing to respond to.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

On the last Sunday of October, after finishing the usual household chores, Keisuke found himself with some free time and moved closer to Seiichi. Seiichi was lying on the rug spread over the hardwood floor, reading the newspaper. He had initially planned to buy a sofa set, but with money being tight and having gotten used to the empty space, the purchase had been put off.

When Keisuke sat down beside him, Seiichi slowly shifted closer, resting his head on Keisuke's lap while continuing to read. Keisuke watched him quietly. Words weren’t necessary. He found comfort in this closeness. After finishing the newspaper, Seiichi spoke up out of nowhere, still lying down.

"Hey, don’t you want to go to university?"

The unexpected question took Keisuke by surprise.

"I went to university because I felt like I had to, but honestly, I didn’t get much out of it. But you had things you wanted to study, right?"

"What brought this up all of a sudden?" Keisuke laughed, but Seiichi didn’t even crack a smile. His gaze was serious, and Keisuke realized he was earnest.

"I’ve been thinking about it for a while. If I could bring you here, I wanted to give you the chance to go to university. It’s been a month since you moved in, and you’ve probably gotten used to things here by now. I think I can manage on my salary alone, so you could quit the hotel job."

He spoke as casually as if he were suggesting they go shopping.

"You’re smart, you know. Sure, you’ve been out of school for a while, but I bet you’d be fine with a bit of studying."

"It’s not that simple," Keisuke replied, unable to believe that Seiichi was serious. Seiichi sat up and looked down at him with narrowed eyes.

"Are you scared before even trying?"

The way he said it was oddly provoking.

"It’s not just about my academic ability. Even if I got in, it would still cost a lot of money."

"That’s just an excuse," Seiichi said with a snort. "You’re saying that because you don’t really want to study."

Why was he being so infuriating? Seiichi’s provoking tone made Keisuke snap back.

"I never said I didn’t want to. I..."

Seiichi’s lips curved into a satisfied grin, as if he’d been waiting for this.

"Then let’s go to the bookstore right now. I’ll buy you some study guides. But don’t waste them."

Ignoring Keisuke’s reluctance, Seiichi grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bookstore. As they browsed through the materials, he mused, "Private universities are too expensive, so it’ll have to be a public one," and added, "No universities in other prefectures. It’s too far." Then, he asked, "Which faculty would you like?"

Since the moment he brought it up, the whole situation felt absurd—yet it didn’t seem like a joke. Keisuke couldn’t quite grasp what Seiichi was thinking. But if this was a new game Seiichi had thought up, then maybe Keisuke would just have to play along.

"Well... maybe I could become a lawyer."

It was something he’d dreamed of as a student, though it had never gone beyond a daydream.

"Law school it is, then," Seiichi decided.

They picked out a public university with a law program that he could commute to from the apartment, and Keisuke thought that would be the end of it. But then Seiichi asked him which study guides would be best. They settled on two books. It was all part of Seiichi’s idea, and since he was paying for the books, Keisuke didn’t mind too much, though the weight of the heavy books felt strangely out of place. Back at home, with no proper spot to put them, he placed the books next to the kitchen counter.

Seeing the stack of study guides made Keisuke feel like he had to start studying. He flipped through the books absentmindedly, but he didn’t understand much. Yet when Seiichi glanced over at him from the side, Keisuke lied.

"These are good study guides."

It was the best front he could put up, while Seiichi remained far more honest.

"Really? I’ve forgotten most of that stuff. Anyway, it’s October now, so you probably won’t be ready this year. If you pass next year or the year after, that’ll be good enough."

Seiichi’s words carried a strange sense of realism. Not fully understanding how things had ended up this way, Keisuke nodded vaguely.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

On Monday, by 11 a.m., the rush of guests checking out had subsided, giving the front desk staff a bit of breathing room. Keisuke took the chance to share yesterday’s events with Kunihiro, who was idly playing with his bangs. The idea of taking entrance exams at his age seemed absurd, and he couldn’t quite grasp what Seiichi’s intentions were. As soon as Keisuke finished recounting the story, Kunihiro chuckled, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Entrance exams, huh? If it were me, I’d be done with studying forever. But hey, if you’re gonna give it a shot, good luck," he offered cheerfully, though his words lacked much sincerity. Keisuke shrugged and sighed.

"Seiichi has a tendency to come up with these wild ideas."

"Really? Your guy’s pretty easy to read if you ask me," Kunihiro said nonchalantly.

Keisuke turned to look at the younger man in surprise.

"He just wants you to go to university," Kunihiro added.

"Why would he want that?"

"Isn’t it obvious?" Kunihiro replied bluntly. "He likes you, so he wants to help you achieve your dreams. It’s as simple as that."

From the back office, a loud, exaggerated throat-clearing reached their ears, likely from the manager, signaling them to keep their private conversations to a minimum. Both of them quickly fell silent.

Keisuke looked down and thought over Kunihiro’s words. Wants to fulfill my dreams... Now that he thought about it, Seiichi had mentioned, "I’ve been thinking about this for a while." But why dig up the past now? Kunihiro had said it was for the sake of someone Seiichi cared about, but was that really true?

To Seiichi, he felt like just a way to pass the time—something serious but not quite serious. After all, Keisuke had been turned down once, only to become a point of interest again once he’d unexpectedly become available, like a new toy that caught Seiichi’s eye. And if Seiichi got bored, he’d likely lose interest all over again. If this was just a passing curiosity, Keisuke wanted no part of it. If he took it seriously, only for Seiichi to say he’d grown bored halfway through, Keisuke wouldn’t know how to cope.

Just then, he heard footsteps behind him as the manager emerged from the back office and stepped into the elevator. As soon as he was out of sight, Kunihiro, who had been silent until now, leaned in and spoke in a hushed tone.

"Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you, too. Have you ever tried any S&M stuff?"

Keisuke’s face flushed with heat. He understood the general idea of what Kunihiro meant, but he hadn’t expected to hear such a question in broad daylight.

"I don’t like rough stuff, so no, I haven’t," he replied.

"I see," Kunihiro sighed softly. "The guy I recently started seeing—he’s good in bed, but when he gets excited, he tries to tie me up or hit me. I keep telling him I’m not into that, but he doesn’t listen. He looks like a straight-laced salaryman, all put together, but he might actually be pretty messed up. What do you think, Himi-san?"

Keisuke had no idea how to respond to something like that.

"Does he hurt you even though he likes you?"

"Well, it’s not the same as your situation," Kunihiro said with a casual shrug. "With us, it’s mostly just physical, even if we’re technically dating. Maybe it’s time to call it quits."

Keisuke couldn’t offer any advice to Kunihiro, whose view of relationships was so fundamentally different from his own.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

That night, just after Keisuke had finished washing the dirty dishes from dinner, his cell phone rang. It was an unknown number, but worried that it might be something concerning his ex-wife or son, he answered the call.

"Hello, who is this?"

“H-Himi-san!”

The urgent voice calling his name echoed through his ears. It was familiar, but he couldn’t immediately place who it was.

“H-help...”

A loud thud came from the phone, as if it had been dropped. He could hear muffled sounds of an argument in the background. It sounded like Kunihiro, but he wasn’t sure. Then came a piercing scream, and the call abruptly disconnected.

“Hello? Kunihiro-kun!” Keisuke called into the phone repeatedly, but all he got back was the endless beeping of a disconnected line. The intensity of the argument and the scream... even if it was just a fight between friends, it seemed far too extreme. He couldn’t stay still. Grabbing his wallet, he dashed out of the house in his apron. It was close enough to walk, but he flagged down a passing taxi and asked the driver to head west. He had taken a drunk Kunihiro home once before, late at night, and although he worried about remembering the way, he spotted a familiar overpass. Not long after, Kunihiro’s apartment building came into view.

He shoved a thousand-yen bill at the driver, saying, “Keep the change,” and leapt out of the taxi. Kunihiro’s room was on the second floor, at the end of the corridor. He rang the intercom repeatedly, but there was no response. He reached for his own phone, only to realize he had left it at home in his hurry.

“Kunihiro-kun, are you in there? If you are, please open the door.”

He could hear noises inside the room, but no one answered. Unable to stand it any longer, Keisuke pounded on the door.

“Kunihiro-kun!”

Still no reply. He tried turning the doorknob, and it creaked open outward with a rusty sound. Keisuke stepped inside, and what he saw left him frozen in shock.

Kunihiro was completely naked. But it wasn’t just that—he was bound tightly with ropes, lying on his back, his body positioned so that his genitals were exposed. His cheek was bruised, swollen with a red mark, as if he had been struck, and a gag was stuffed into his mouth. Worse yet, a large adult toy had been inserted into his rectum, with blood clearly visible around the area. Standing before Kunihiro, fully dressed in a pristine suit and wearing black leather shoes even indoors, was a man who looked as startled to see Keisuke as Keisuke was to see him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Keisuke shouted, his voice filled with anger.

The man forced a smile, shrugging his shoulders in a theatrical manner.

“Oh, come on, you’ve got it all wrong. He likes this kind of play. I’m just tying him up because he asked me to. We’re both just having fun here.”

As the man spoke, a tear slipped from Kunihiro’s eye, unable to speak because of the gag. Ignoring the man’s excuses, Keisuke entered the room and grabbed the phone lying on the floor—it looked like it might be Kunihiro’s. He pressed a button and began to speak.

“Hello, is this the police? My name is Himi, and—”

Before he could finish, the phone was snatched from his hand.

“It’s a—a game! I told you it’s just play! Why make such a fuss?” the man stammered. He snapped the phone in half with a sharp crack and tossed it aside. His face had gone pale, and with unsteady hands, he compulsively smoothed his otherwise perfectly neat hair.

"Ha, being misunderstood like that is such a pain. What a hassle," he muttered, and with that, he hurried out of the room.

As soon as he left, Keisuke moved closer to Kunihiro and removed the gag from his mouth. The only sound that escaped Kunihiro's freed lips was a sob. The plastic rope binding him wouldn't cut with scissors, so Keisuke had to use a kitchen knife instead. The rope had been tied so tightly that even after it was removed, deep marks were left imprinted on Kunihiro's skin.

"That... that bastard!"

The moment he was free, Kunihiro grabbed the knife that had been used to cut the rope, standing completely naked. He tried to dash outside, but Keisuke quickly grabbed him from behind, holding him back with all his strength.

"Let go! I'm going to kill him!"

Kunihiro's body, thrashing wildly in Keisuke's arms, suddenly went limp and crumpled to the floor. There was a clattering sound near his feet, and when Keisuke looked down, he saw a purple toy bouncing between Kunihiro's legs. Kunihiro grabbed it and hurled it at the wall before collapsing on the entranceway floor, letting out choking sobs.

Keisuke gently lifted the curled-up figure and carried him back into the room. Without asking where anything was, he found a towel in the bathroom, soaked it in warm water, and began to wipe Kunihiro's body. Kunihiro offered no resistance. Even when Keisuke cleaned the area between his legs, he lay there with his legs open, defenseless like a helpless child.

"Do you think we need to go to the hospital?" Keisuke asked, concerned about the redness around Kunihiro's anus. But Kunihiro just shook his head weakly in response. As Keisuke stood up, intending to fetch some clothes, Kunihiro suddenly clung to him with desperate strength.

"Kunihiro-kun..."

The head pressed against Keisuke's chest trembled slightly. His broken figure was so utterly pitiful that Keisuke couldn't help but hold him tighter. Kunihiro, still trembling, whispered in a trembling voice.

"I... I thought he was going to kill me. He kept laughing while he kicked me... and punched me..."

"It's all right now. You're safe. Just rest on the bed for a while."

Kunihiro shook his head again.

"I don't want to lie on that bed... not after having sex with him there."

"Okay, then let's lay out a futon on the floor."

"I don't want to be here," Kunihiro said, his grip on Keisuke's shirt tightening almost painfully.

"He has a key to my room. He might come back. I'm scared. I'm terrified of him. I never want to go through that again."

Keisuke knew he couldn't leave this hurt, vulnerable adult alone. Not like this.

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