"Goodbye," you waved your hand: Chapter 2 - part 5

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"Want to come to my place?" Keisuke asked as he put an arm around Kunihiro, who could barely walk, and guided him back to his apartment. When they arrived, Seiichi, who had been worried ever since Keisuke left without a word or even taking his phone, looked puzzled as he saw Kunihiro slumped at the entrance. After settling the injured man in the guest room, Keisuke explained the situation. He couldn’t bring himself to say that Kunihiro had been hurt during a violent encounter with the man he was seeing. Instead, he said that Kunihiro had gotten into a fight with a friend and was slightly injured, so he brought him here because he was worried about leaving him alone.

Seiichi still looked unconvinced, his face showing a lingering doubt. "Well, he's already here, so I don't mind letting him stay... but, if he's hurt, shouldn't he go to a hospital?" "Yeah, well..." Keisuke mumbled evasively, but he had at least gotten Seiichi's approval. As he got up to check if Kunihiro was sleeping or in pain, Seiichi grabbed his arm, stopping him.

"Who is that guy?" Seiichi asked.

"He's a co-worker from the hotel. We both work at the front desk."

"Does he have any friends besides you?" The question struck a chord.

"Are you saying you don't want him here?" Keisuke asked.

Seiichi bit his lip and responded honestly, "That's not the issue. You've only been here for a month. Are you really that close to him, close enough to let him stay over? You've never even mentioned this guy to me before."

Keisuke sat back down in front of Seiichi, pulled by the strength of his grip. "I did mention him once. Remember when I told you about the guy who tried to kiss me when he was drunk?"

Seiichi's expression changed the moment he heard that. "Why the hell would you bring someone like that here?" he shouted suddenly. Keisuke was taken aback by the sudden outburst.

"He seemed really unwell, so I thought—"

Seiichi slammed his fist onto the carpet. "How can you be so clueless? Use some common sense! Do you really think I'd want to meet or welcome a guy who tried to kiss you?"

"There's nothing going on between me and Kunihiro," Keisuke said.

"Of course there isn't!" Seiichi shot back, almost reflexively.

"You're the only one for me," Keisuke said, laying his hand over Seiichi's and locking eyes with him. Seiichi, still looking angry, clicked his tongue in frustration before pulling Keisuke into a fierce embrace. The intense kiss that followed was so overwhelming that Keisuke's mind went blank for a moment.

"Don't you dare learn how to manipulate me like that," Seiichi whispered in his ear. Keisuke was about to protest that he could never do such a thing, but Seiichi cut him off.

"If you ever do that, I won’t be able to win against you," Seiichi said. It wasn’t about winning or losing—relationships couldn’t be measured that way, and Keisuke didn't feel like he had the upper hand anyway.

"I’m going to check on Kunihiro," Keisuke said as he tried to leave, only to be stopped yet again. This back-and-forth happened several times. Seiichi was like a stubborn child, and Keisuke didn't have the heart to push him away.

"Just for a bit. Please," Keisuke pleaded.

Seiichi let out a deep sigh. "Fine. But I'm coming with you."

"Why?" Keisuke asked, which made Seiichi's expression darken even more. The truth was, Keisuke wanted to talk to Kunihiro privately about how he was feeling and to ask about the injuries. Having Seiichi there made it difficult, but Seiichi didn’t know the full situation, so he took Keisuke’s words as a slight.

"You’ve got five minutes in that guest room," Seiichi warned. "If you stay longer, I’ll drag you out."

With Seiichi watching him like a guard, Keisuke went into the guest room, aware of the time ticking by. The room was bright, and Kunihiro lay wrapped in a blanket, eyes closed. Just as Keisuke thought he was asleep, Kunihiro’s eyes opened the moment he drew near.

"Did I wake you?" Keisuke asked.

"I wasn't sleeping. Just thinking," Kunihiro replied, his voice distant. Keisuke knelt beside him.

"Are you feeling any pain?" he asked.

"Everywhere," Kunihiro said with a weary smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Keisuke didn’t know what to say, feeling helpless. Then Kunihiro gave a short chuckle.

"I’m joking. It hurts where I got hit, but I can bear it," Kunihiro said. But as he shifted slightly, a grimace crossed his face. It pained Keisuke to see him like that, and not knowing how to relieve his pain only made the frustration worse. He gently stroked Kunihiro’s hair, a small, useless gesture, but all he could offer. Kunihiro watched his hand, and slowly, like a cat, his eyes softened to a half-close.

"Your hands feel nice, Himi-san," Kunihiro murmured, his voice soft.

Just then, there was a knock on the guest room door. Keisuke quickly glanced at the clock, startled.

"Is this what a mother's touch feels like? I wouldn't know—I never had the real thing," Kunihiro continued, his tone wistful.

The knocking grew louder. Kunihiro gripped Keisuke's wrist tightly, and the door swung open with a bang, revealing a man whose mouth wore a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Despite the intrusion, Kunihiro muttered under his breath.

"I want to sleep with you, Himi-san."

Keisuke could tell from the tone that Kunihiro's words weren't meant in a sexual way. But he couldn't be sure how the man standing behind him interpreted them.

"The futon in the guest room is too small. It'd be cramped for two people," Keisuke said gently, trying to dissuade him.

"I don't care if it's cramped. I just want to sleep next to you, Himi-san," Kunihiro said, his voice almost childlike in its plea. A short laugh echoed from behind Keisuke.

"You're not a kid anymore. You can sleep on your own," the man said in a stern voice. Kunihiro glared up at Seiichi from his position on the futon, then turned his face away in defiance.

"You always sleep with that guy, don't you? So what's the harm in staying with me for one night? It's not like I want to do anything," Kunihiro retorted.

Before Keisuke could respond, Seiichi's voice boomed from behind him. "Keisuke's not staying here with you. Let's go!" He grabbed Keisuke's arm roughly, pulling him to his feet. Kunihiro let out a long, resigned sigh.

"Your possessiveness is pathetic. Honestly, the whole act of giving a ring and all that? It's just you indulging in your own drama—it’s sickening."

Seiichi's face turned crimson, like he'd been slapped.

"And don’t go rutting in public parks like a dog," Kunihiro continued, his tone mocking. Keisuke hurriedly wrapped his arms around Seiichi, trying to hold him back.

"Kunihiro's injured. Please, just let it go," Keisuke pleaded, his voice strained.

"I can't deal with this jerk anymore!" Seiichi snapped, turning away furiously. He stopped at the door, looking back one last time.

"If you even think about sleeping in his room, you’re done," Seiichi threatened, before storming out.

As the door slammed shut, Kunihiro let out a dry chuckle, clearly amused by the outburst. Despite the rudeness of his laughter, Keisuke felt a small sense of relief seeing a hint of the old Kunihiro.

"Himi-san's guy is shorter-tempered than I thought. That was kind of fun," Kunihiro said with a grin.

Keisuke felt a pang of sympathy for Seiichi, who had been mocked for his genuine anger. "Seiichi isn't short-tempered. He only got mad because you said things that were designed to upset him."

Kunihiro propped himself up on his elbow, still smiling as he lay on the futon. "First time I've seen him up close, but he's a pretty good-looking guy, huh? Tall, well-built, and that firm waist... I wouldn’t mind getting with a guy like that myself."

Even though Kunihiro had provoked Seiichi to the point of fury, he still called him "a good guy" and said he "wanted to sleep" with him. It was baffling why he would say things that seemed intended to push people away when he clearly didn't dislike Seiichi.

"That guy's really into you, Himi-san. He was glaring at me like he wanted to tear me apart."

"Probably just for now," Keisuke replied softly.

"Why only for now?" Kunihiro asked, looking puzzled.

"Because he'll get tired of me eventually," Keisuke said.

Kunihiro buried his face into the pillow, looking up at Keisuke. "You don't really like him that much, do you?"

"That's not true," Keisuke answered firmly. Of all the uncertainties in his life, his feelings for Seiichi were the one thing he knew was real. The way his heartbeat quickened whenever Seiichi touched him, the rush of emotion that welled up from deep inside—none of that was a lie.

"I'm just trying not to get too wrapped up in it," Keisuke added, managing his emotions so they wouldn't sink too deep when the inevitable goodbye came. Kunihiro tilted his head to the side.

"With how much he loves you, you could have him wrapped around your finger, Himi-san."

"I've never thought of doing that, and I couldn't even if I tried. I don’t have that kind of power."

Kunihiro pursed his lips. "What do you even see in him, Himi-san? It seems like you don't even enjoy being with him. I don’t get why you're so pessimistic about it. Oh, I get it—you don’t trust him, do you?"

The words hit Keisuke like a blow, leaving him speechless.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

As they talked aimlessly, the clock passed one in the morning. Kunihiro had fallen asleep, his breathing steady and regular. Once Keisuke was sure he was deeply asleep, he quietly left the guest room, taking care not to make a sound. He had a sense that Kunihiro kept asking to sleep together, despite knowing Keisuke would refuse, because he didn’t want to be alone. That’s why Keisuke couldn’t bring himself to leave him by himself. But now that Kunihiro was asleep, there was nothing to fear.

Keisuke took a shower and then walked into the bedroom in his bathrobe. The only light in the room came from a dim lamp, suggesting Seiichi might already be asleep. As quietly as possible, Keisuke opened the closet to change into his pajamas. He hung the damp bathrobe over the back of a chair, then carefully lifted the sheet and slipped into bed, trying not to disturb the other man.

To his surprise, Seiichi, who had seemed fast asleep, suddenly wrapped his arms around him. Keisuke was startled by the unexpected embrace.

"I thought you were already asleep," Keisuke whispered.

There was no reply. Instead, Seiichi's hand slipped under Keisuke's pajama top, roughly kneading his chest. He impatiently began to unbutton Keisuke’s shirt. Keisuke didn’t want this, not with Kunihiro in the same house, but he felt powerless against Seiichi’s demanding touch. Then, just as suddenly, Seiichi stopped, letting go of Keisuke like he’d lost interest. Left disheveled and confused, Keisuke stared at Seiichi's back, unable to ask why he had stopped.

He hadn’t said no. He hadn’t resisted. What had he done wrong? As he fumbled to button his pajamas with trembling fingers, Seiichi’s voice, harsh and frustrated, broke the silence.

"Even I can tell when you want something or when you don't. If you don't want to, just say so."

"I don’t mind," Keisuke said quietly.

Seiichi turned to face him, sitting up in bed. He flicked on the light beside the bed, and with a rough grip, he grabbed Keisuke’s chin, forcing him to look up.

"Don't lie to me. You made a face like you were disgusted and then closed your eyes," Seiichi said, his voice laced with anger. Even when it seemed like he wasn’t paying attention, he was watching, and that realization frightened Keisuke.

"You always do that—smile vaguely whenever I say something. I know that's just the kind of person you are, and I’m okay with that. But at least when you don’t like something, be honest and say you don’t," Seiichi continued.

Keisuke slowly sat up, but he still couldn’t meet Seiichi’s gaze. He didn’t want Seiichi to read his expression.

"It’s not that hard, is it? I’m just asking you to tell me if something I do bothers you. I keep worrying that I’m hurting you without even realizing it," Seiichi said, his voice softening as his fingers brushed gently against Keisuke's cheek. The tenderness made Keisuke shiver.

"Are you afraid of me?" Seiichi asked.

Keisuke shook his head, denying it.

"Then why are you trembling? Is it because you’re afraid I’ll get angry?" Seiichi asked, his voice softer now. As soon as Seiichi’s touch left him, Keisuke’s trembling stopped.

"I’ve been thinking that we need to have a serious talk. I want to know what you really think of me," Seiichi said. The answer, now and always, was simple.

"I love you," Keisuke said.

"Do you really?" Seiichi asked, his tone doubtful. Keisuke finally looked up, meeting Seiichi’s gaze, who tilted his head slightly.

"You moved in with me, but honestly, I think you didn’t really want to. You probably didn’t even want to come here in the first place," Seiichi said.

"That’s not true," Keisuke protested, but Seiichi’s eyes still held that look of suspicion.

"When you came here, you barely brought any luggage. It looked like you were on a short trip, not moving in to live with me," Seiichi continued.

Keisuke didn’t understand what Seiichi was getting at.

"You didn’t bring much because you never planned to stay long, right? It’s like you were always thinking this wouldn’t last," Seiichi said.

Keisuke couldn’t deny that he had thought he might not stay forever, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to be with Seiichi. It was the fear that Seiichi might one day lose interest in him.

"And then there’s the way you act during sex. You never initiate. Sure, you respond when I touch you, and I thought maybe you were just shy, but you always seem to agree to it when I want to. It’s weird that you never say no," Seiichi said. "There should’ve been at least once or twice where you turned me down."

Keisuke thought that if it made Seiichi happy, he didn’t mind bending his own desires a little. Refusing Seiichi and risking his displeasure felt much worse.

"When you act like that, I start to think maybe sex doesn’t mean anything to you. Maybe you’re just going along with it to keep the peace," Seiichi said, his frustration boiling over.

"And on top of that, you bring that guy who kissed you into our home without a second thought. This is the house I bought for us to live in together! How can you be so insensitive?" Seiichi shouted.

"I’m... sorry," Keisuke's voice wavered, his apology barely audible.

"You don't care about me at all, do you?" Seiichi's cold eyes looked down on him, their expression icy.

"I like you. That's why I want to see you smile, why I want to do things that make you happy. Thinking about what might please you is so much fun for me. But you... you’re not like that. You just don’t say no to me," Seiichi said.

The words hurt deeply, the sadness of being judged so unilaterally twisting in Keisuke's chest. He gripped his hands tightly on his lap, struggling to contain his feelings.

"Sometimes, it makes me feel pathetic, you know? Like I’m just fooling myself. I’m the only one getting excited and worked up while you’re always so distant. It’s so frustrating. I’ve always wished you’d cling to me, show me some affection," Seiichi confessed.

Keisuke bit his lip, hard enough to draw blood, before he spoke slowly. "I don’t think you can measure love by who’s more affectionate or who’s less. It’s not something you can weigh by how much one person relies on the other."

Seiichi exaggeratedly shrugged his shoulders. "So, you’re saying that keeping everything inside and never showing it is somehow better? Feelings don't reach anyone if you don’t act on them. If you just lock them up in your chest without saying anything, that’s just self-satisfaction."

It felt as though Seiichi had dismissed everything Keisuke had ever felt, and the world seemed to grow dark around him. What was so wrong with loving someone quietly, with all your heart? Everything begins with a feeling, after all. Unable to bear it, Keisuke started to get out of bed, but Seiichi sensed his movement and grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

"We're not done talking," Seiichi said firmly.

Keisuke wanted to shut out the words, to close his ears and stop hearing anything that might hurt him. But Seiichi didn’t allow that escape. He shook Keisuke, forcing him to look into his eyes, their faces so close that he could feel the warmth of Seiichi's breath.

"You're so cold," Seiichi said.

The words broke through Keisuke's resistance, and he tried to push Seiichi away with all his strength, his voice rising in protest. "Don’t touch me!"

It was the first time he had resisted Seiichi so fiercely. They struggled briefly, Keisuke fighting back, but eventually, he grew too tired and stopped, his energy drained. Seiichi held him close, refusing to let go.

"I’m sorry for saying such harsh things," Seiichi said unexpectedly. "I was frustrated. You stayed in that room for so long without coming out."

Keisuke knew it wasn’t just that. The things Seiichi had said—those words had to be his true feelings. Even when Seiichi spoke gently, stroking Keisuke’s head and saying he loved him, his real thoughts were hidden beneath the surface. Keisuke tried to pull away, but Seiichi’s arms only tightened around him.

"You’re upset, and it’s my fault, isn’t it?" Seiichi said, a slight laugh escaping his lips. "It’s okay to be mad. You can be furious with me. I want you to be angry with me because then, at least, I’ll know you’re thinking about me."

Keisuke felt a surge of helpless frustration and hit Seiichi’s chest with his fist. "I’m always thinking about you! I don’t need to get angry to prove that."

Seiichi shrugged off the desperate plea. "Then show me some proof."

"Proof?" Keisuke repeated, bewildered. How could he possibly turn his feelings into something visible or tangible?

"If I could open up my chest and show you my heart, I’d do it," Keisuke said, his voice trembling. "But you’d only see that it’s full of thoughts of you."

Seiichi let out a theatrical sigh. "You say you love me, but when we’re together, I always get this feeling that you actually hate me."

"I get scared too," Keisuke shot back, not willing to back down.

Seiichi looked genuinely surprised, as if the thought had never crossed his mind. "Why would you be scared? I don’t cheat on you. No matter how late I work, I always come home to you. I bought this house for us, and I even gave you my bankbook. What more could I do to make you feel secure?"

"It’s not about that," Keisuke said, his voice softer. "It’s your feelings that I’m unsure of."

"I already told you I’m not cheating on you," Seiichi insisted. "As much as we do it, I don’t have the energy to go fooling around with anyone else."

"But even if you’re not cheating now, who knows what might happen in the future?" Keisuke said, the fear he’d kept buried finally surfacing.

Seiichi’s confusion was plain on his face. Keisuke couldn’t hold it back any longer; he had to make Seiichi understand. "If you get tired of me one day, you’ll find someone else. And when that happens, no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I’m wrapped up in my feelings for you, I’ll have to let you go. I know that if I let myself fall deeper, I’ll never be able to recover when you leave."

"How can you worry about something that might never happen?" Seiichi said, his voice trailing off uncertainly.

Keisuke cut him off, no longer able to hold back his own trembling emotions.

"Even now, I can’t think of anything but you. If my life became only about you, I don't know what would happen to me," Keisuke said, his voice trembling with sincerity. There wasn't a single trace of dishonesty in his words. With a sigh, Seiichi gently placed a hand on top of Keisuke’s head.

"You're right, no one can predict the future. But I brought you closer to me because I want to stay with you, always. If you’re worried that I might leave you, well, the same goes for me. I worry that you might get tired of me too. If we start listing all the things that could go wrong, there'd be no end to it," Seiichi said.

He touched Keisuke’s lips softly, tilting his head up to look into his eyes. "Show me your true feelings. You don't have to be so scared. I'm ready to accept whatever you have to give."

Keisuke felt as if he were standing on the edge of a precipice. Even though he couldn't see forever, he felt the promise that Seiichi’s words held. Terrified, his mind screamed, but he took the leap anyway. The moment he stopped thinking and let himself fall, tears poured down his face like a waterfall. He tried to wipe them away, but they kept coming. Seiichi kissed him gently, drinking in his tears, soothing his sobs.

Seiichi’s face lit up with a smile, and he kissed Keisuke again. It was just a kiss, but it made Keisuke feel like he might lose his mind from the intensity of his emotions. Seiichi seemed to sense Keisuke’s overwhelming excitement because he immediately began to undress him, peeling away his pajamas. Lying completely bare on the bed, Keisuke trembled like someone experiencing this for the first time. Unable to imagine what would happen next, his tear-filled eyes pleaded.

"Please, don’t be gentle," he whispered.

Seiichi laughed softly. "I want to be as gentle as I can."

Seiichi extended his arms with a smile, inviting Keisuke closer. If he could just let go of his caution, stop thinking about all the potential outcomes... if he allowed himself to love with everything he had, there would be no turning back. He knew that if the day ever came when he faced heartbreak, he might never recover. He vowed to himself, never again—he would never love like this again. But knowing all this, he still chose to jump, to dive in despite the risk. The trembling ceased, and he surrendered to the enveloping warmth, closing his eyes.

"Please, let me stay by your side forever," he whispered. That humble confession was Keisuke's deepest and most heartfelt wish.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Just before check-in began at 2 p.m., while standing by the front desk, Kunihiro suddenly said, "I ran into Seiichi the other day."

"...He was buying condoms, so I teased him, saying 'You're pretty active, huh?' He got all pissed off," Kunihiro whispered into Keisuke's ear, making him chuckle awkwardly. Keisuke had never been the one to prepare those kinds of supplies himself, yet lately, their stock seemed to be running out faster than usual. It had been about two weeks since he let Kunihiro stay at his apartment, and since then, his relationship with Seiichi had subtly shifted. Or perhaps it was only he who had changed. When Seiichi came home late, he found himself feeling lonely. Without Seiichi holding him, he couldn't sleep. Whenever he had a free moment, his thoughts drifted to Seiichi. Since that night when he let his feelings run free, he’d been acting differently. He'd even learned how to initiate intimacy. Though he would start off on top, Seiichi would inevitably take over, his impatience getting the better of him. Keisuke loved every second of it, feeling the intensity of Seiichi’s affection with every movement, like he might lose consciousness from the overwhelming pleasure.

"But that guy’s tough," Kunihiro continued. "I tried to hit on him, but he didn’t take the bait at all."

Startled, Keisuke asked, "You hit on Seiichi?"

Kunihiro grinned. "Yeah, I asked if he’d sleep with me, and he yelled at me to cut the jokes."

Relief washed over Keisuke, knowing Seiichi had rejected Kunihiro, but at the same time, a pang of sadness struck him. Seiichi was attractive, someone who naturally drew people to him. This probably wouldn’t be the last time something like this happened.

"Hey, Himi-san," Kunihiro said, calling his name, but Keisuke didn’t even notice. He was right beside Kunihiro, yet his mind was somewhere else.

When Kunihiro's fingers brushed against his, Keisuke instinctively pulled his hand away, startled by the touch that wasn’t Seiichi’s. Kunihiro’s hurt expression made Keisuke feel awkward and guilty.

"Are you mad because I hit on Seiichi? I swear, nothing really happened," Kunihiro said.

"I know. I’m sorry," Keisuke replied.

"I won't even joke about it with him again," Kunihiro said, looking downcast. Ever since that horrible experience with his casual lover, Kunihiro had been clinging to Keisuke like a lost puppy. Even though it wasn’t unusual for Kunihiro to view Keisuke as a potential romantic interest, his gaze was different—it wasn’t purely that kind of attraction.

"I’m not mad anymore," Keisuke said softly, catching Kunihiro’s eyes, which seemed to plead for reassurance. Kunihiro sighed in relief, visibly relaxing.

"You know, Himi-san, I like you—not in a sexual way or anything, but I really like you. I don’t even know why," Kunihiro murmured, almost to himself. "But in the end, you belong to him..."

"I hope you find someone you love soon too, Kunihiro-kun," Keisuke said, honestly wishing that for him, even though it wasn't meant as a warning against Seiichi. Kunihiro tilted his head, looking unconvinced.

"I don't really like all that love stuff, it's a hassle. But I do want a sex friend. I’ve learned my lesson about choosing carefully, though. Sometimes, I still think about that jerk and can’t sleep," Kunihiro said.

Keisuke knew it was pointless to try to impose his own view of love on someone like Kunihiro, who had a different perspective. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from speaking up. "When you meet someone you truly care about, it changes everything."

"There’s no way that’s ever gonna happen. My life’s not something anyone can change," Kunihiro said dismissively.

Even though he knew arguing was futile, Keisuke couldn’t help but feel a touch of sadness as he forced a smile. Just then, they heard footsteps approaching from behind. Worried that they might get scolded for chatting by the manager, both of them fell silent. But it was only Keisuke who felt a hand on his shoulder, and the manager leaned in close to speak in a low voice, so Kunihiro couldn’t hear.

"There's a visitor here for you. He said he's a lawyer. You’re not in some kind of trouble, are you?"

Keisuke was taken aback. Even during his divorce, he hadn't needed a lawyer’s help. "I have no idea why he’d be here."

"Well, he specifically asked for you. We only have one Keisuke Himi working here, after all," the manager said with a hint of concern.

Leaving Kunihiro to cover the front desk, Keisuke went to meet the visitor at the back entrance. A man in his late thirties, slim and wearing glasses, stood there. When he saw Keisuke, he gave a slight bow.

"I apologize for interrupting you during work, but I’m here on urgent business. If you have a moment, could we talk?"

Keisuke quickly checked with the manager and received permission to take a thirty-minute break. He then led the man to a nearby café.

"I’m truly sorry to bother you at work. I’m in quite a hurry, you see..." the lawyer said as they sat down.

Without wasting time, he got straight to the point. "You know Emi Saijo, don’t you?"

That was the name of Keisuke's ex-wife from a few months ago.

"Yes," Keisuke replied cautiously.

"I’ve been sent by Keizo Saijo, Emi’s father, to speak with you. Have you heard anything from her family recently?" the lawyer asked.

Keisuke shook his head, completely in the dark about what this could be about.

"Ever since I moved to the city, I haven't been in touch with anyone from back home, so I have no idea," Keisuke said.

"I see," the lawyer replied. "Well, Emi Saijo passed away two weeks ago in a car accident along with the man she was planning to marry."

"What?" Keisuke's shock left him speechless as he stared at the lawyer, unable to process what he was hearing.

"Fortunately, your son, Takayuki-kun, was in the back seat and only sustained minor injuries. Now that Ms. Emi is gone, there's a problem with who will take custody of Takayuki-kun. Mr. Saijo, Emi's father, is preparing to take him in, but both he and his wife are quite elderly. What’s more, Takayuki-kun himself has expressed that he wants to be with you, his father. Given his wishes, Mr. Saijo thought it best to leave the decision in your hands," the lawyer explained, bowing his head slightly.

"We'd appreciate it if you could make a decision soon, considering Takayuki-kun's kindergarten situation," the lawyer added.

Keisuke stared blankly into the swirling cream in his coffee, his mind reeling from the news. The shock of hearing about his ex-wife’s death was overwhelming, but what stunned him more was the state of his own emotions.

When he returned to the front desk, Kunihiro looked at him curiously and asked, "What was that about?"

Without looking up from the reservation list he was flipping through, Keisuke replied, "My ex-wife died."

Kunihiro fell silent, and Keisuke continued speaking without noticing the expression on Kunihiro's face. "She had custody of our son, so now it's a matter of who will take care of him."

Keisuke's thoughts were swirling with countless concerns about what lay ahead, filling every corner of his mind.

"You're talking like it's someone else's problem. Is that how it is after you get divorced?" Kunihiro asked casually.

It was meant as a simple remark, but to Keisuke, it hit with the same force as the news of his ex-wife’s death. He could no longer hide from his true feelings.

Even after he returned to his apartment that evening, he found himself sitting on the cold, hard floor, unable to move. If it had only been sadness, he might have been able to deal with it. If he could have genuinely mourned his ex-wife's passing and thought about visiting her grave during his next day off, he might have felt some sense of relief. But that wasn’t how he felt, and the realization made him feel sick to his core.

When the lawyer spoke of his son's custody, the first image that flashed through his mind wasn’t of his crying son—it was of Seiichi, his lover, the one who consumed his thoughts. He knew he should be feeling a deep fatherly love for the son he once held dear, the son he had always thought was so precious. But when the lawyer talked about taking in his child, a part of him had clearly seen it as a burden. He couldn’t forgive himself for the selfish direction his thoughts had taken. As a father, he had an obligation to take in Takayuki, especially since his son had specifically said he wanted to be with him. But even then, all he could think about was Seiichi. Would Seiichi even like kids? And even if he didn't, would he still care for Takayuki just because he was Keisuke’s child? Keisuke found himself thinking, "If that's the case, maybe it'll be okay." He repeated the thought like a lifeline: "Maybe it'll be okay."

Such cold, selfish thoughts filled him with fear. He wondered if he was even a decent human being. He tried to force himself to calm down, to find some rationality, but his mind kept returning to the same place. More than mourning his late ex-wife or thinking about his own son, his heart was filled with thoughts of the man he loved. Tears began to flow as he confronted the undeniable truth that Seiichi was his first priority.

The sound of the front door opening jolted Keisuke out of his thoughts, and his body tensed. Seiichi hadn’t expected him to be home yet, and when he turned on the lights, he seemed startled to see Keisuke sitting there in the dark.

"What are you doing, sitting here without the lights on?" Seiichi asked, hurrying over when he saw Keisuke's tear-streaked face. His expression shifted to one of concern.

"Why are you crying?" Seiichi asked gently.

Keisuke didn’t answer with words. Instead, he threw his arms around Seiichi, burying his face in Seiichi’s chest, and whispered, "Please... just do it."

Seiichi didn’t ask why. As Keisuke’s clothes were scattered across the carpet, he couldn’t help but think that all the thoughts that had plagued him were being shattered to pieces. All that remained was his desire to lose himself in the man he loved. The kisses and the sound of their shared breaths echoed in the room. In that moment, Keisuke genuinely thought that if he could die right here, right now, in Seiichi’s arms, it would be enough.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Four days after the lawyer’s visit, he quit his job at the hotel. He told Kunihiro at the end of the day that today would be his last. Kunihiro was shocked. Pulling Keisuke outside, he demanded, his tone sharp, “Why?”

When Keisuke explained he was taking his son and returning to the countryside, Kunihiro retorted, “What about him?”

“We’re breaking up,” Keisuke said.

“Does Seiichi know that?”

Kunihiro shook his clenched fists. “You’re just going to leave without saying anything?”

“That’s unfair to him. He’s crazy about you,” Kunihiro pressed.

“It’s fine,” Keisuke said, biting his lip.

Kunihiro, his frustration mounting, burst out, “I don’t understand you! I don’t know what you’re thinking, Keisuke! I hate being all clingy like you two, but still… whatever! Do what you want!”

Their argument with Kunihiro ended up being the last exchange. The next day, pretending he was going to work, Keisuke left the apartment with Seiichi, turning back halfway down the road.

When he arrived, he only had one bag, and when he left, it was the same. He left the bankbook and seal on the side table in the bedroom and closed the door behind him. As he locked it, a wave of sadness nearly overwhelmed him. The thought that he would never return to this place again made it all the harder to bear.

That afternoon, he boarded a plane and returned to the countryside, stopping first at his wife’s family home. They had been informed he would be picking up his son today. Walking down the narrow road toward the house, he spotted a small figure near the gate. Before he could raise a hand to shield his eyes, the figure rushed toward him. His son, Takayuki, clung to his legs and cried loudly, the boy he had not seen for so long. His own flesh and blood. Keisuke was struck by the fact that there had been times when he resented this child. He lifted the crying boy, feeling the warmth, and resolved never to regret the decision he had made.

After retrieving his son, the two returned to the old inn they had left behind for so long. The water and electricity hadn’t been shut off yet. The inn, though, smelled musty from disuse, and he threw open the windows to let in the fresh air, doing a light cleaning. Since they were only staying for the night, he didn’t go overboard. Two days ago, he had mentioned to an old high school classmate that he was looking for work nearby. Thanks to a connection, his friend helped him find a job in the neighboring prefecture, though it was still in hotel work. Tomorrow, he would look for a place to live in that new town. His friend had said, “You’re in quite a rush,” and indeed, Keisuke was rushing. He had no intention of staying long.

Seiichi will surely come looking for him. Keisuke hadn’t thought of any excuses for when that happened, but he didn’t want to be found. His plan was to live quietly with his son, just the two of them. He had become terrified of the kind of love that numbed reason and consumed a person. He feared it might lead him to make decisions that would take him away from who he was. This love had reached its end, no matter how it happened. Happiness never lasts long. He had always known that, yet even knowing it, he still wanted it. He wanted that man so desperately it hurt.

His son clung to him, seeking comfort from the absence of his mother. Keisuke, too, hugged his son, seeking to fill the void left in his heart. Watching his son fall asleep in his arms, completely at peace, Keisuke wondered how Seiichi was doing at that very moment.

Maybe he’s out looking for me, Keisuke thought. But even if Seiichi realized he was gone, it would be too late to come here after work. The earliest would be tomorrow. By then, Keisuke would be on his way to the neighboring prefecture with his son. Once they left, his connection to Seiichi would be severed.

He wasn’t leaving because he hated Seiichi. Keisuke repeated that to himself over and over. He couldn’t see Seiichi once or twice a year like he used to with his wife and son. He would never see him again. Come to think of it, he hadn’t even taken a single photo of Seiichi. They had spent so much time together that it never crossed his mind. The finality of it hit him, and it made his chest tighten, but this was the path he had chosen.

He was afraid. Afraid of what lay ahead, of the unseen future. He closed his eyes. As long as Seiichi was there, as long as Seiichi loved him, Keisuke knew he would always end up prioritizing him. More than his own child—more than his own son—Seiichi would be more important, so much more…

Maybe Seiichi would have accepted his son. But Keisuke couldn’t stand the thought of seeing his son as a burden in front of Seiichi. Nor could he forgive himself for thinking that way. If Seiichi had never been there, if there had never been a choice to make, Keisuke wouldn’t have had to choose between them. Love has a way of stripping away one’s humanity. He had tried to rein it in, but in the end, he couldn’t resist, and the fall had been blissful, a paradise where he had forgotten what it meant to be human.

With only the dim glow of a nightlight, the room remained dark—enough to calm his son’s fears of the dark. Keisuke tossed and turned, unable to sleep. His thoughts kept circling back to Seiichi. It was as if Seiichi had taken up permanent residence in a corner of his mind, tormenting him like an addiction. Just as Keisuke began to doze off, a loud knock echoed through the front door. Startled, he fumbled for his glasses beside the pillow and glanced at the clock on the wall. 4 a.m. Who could be visiting this isolated house at such an hour?

Suspicious but curious, Keisuke got out of bed and walked down the cold, dark hallway, switching on the light as he went. The knocking stopped the moment the entryway lit up.

“Keisuke, are you in there?”

His body trembled at the familiar voice of his lover. Panicking, he hit the switch, plunging the hallway back into darkness, and hurried back to the room, burying himself under the futon. The knocking resumed, louder this time, and then came the sharp sound of breaking glass.

“Dad…?”

Takayuki, having woken up, rubbed his sleepy eyes. Keisuke hugged his son’s small head, squeezing his eyes shut. The noise grew closer—the pounding footsteps running down the hall, rushing toward them. The footsteps stopped just outside their room. With a loud crash, the sliding door burst open, and the futon was ripped away violently. Keisuke’s collar was grabbed by bloodied hands and he was yanked upright. His eyes met Seiichi’s, whose face was twisted in pain and rage.

“Why?” Seiichi’s grip tightened, shaking Keisuke. “Why did you run away?”

Seiichi pressed his blood-stained hand against Keisuke’s cheek.

“You love me, don’t you? Things were going well between us. What’s the problem?” he demanded, his voice desperate.

Keisuke’s son, no longer half-asleep, opened his eyes wide. He looked up at the shouting man with a face that seemed on the verge of tears.

“Don’t yell,” Keisuke pleaded. “You’re scaring Takayuki.”

Seiichi scoffed, his eyes cold as he cast a brief glance at Takayuki. “So what?” he spat. “That kid’s the reason you left, isn’t he? You couldn’t stay with me because of him. Why didn’t you talk to me before running away? I don’t care if you have a kid. As long as I have you, that’s all that matters. Why did you keep it all to yourself?”

Takayuki wasn’t the cause—not really. What scared Keisuke was himself, the way he became so consumed with Seiichi that he couldn’t see anything else.

“Kunihiro barged into the apartment, yelling that it was my fault you were leaving, demanding that I take responsibility,” Seiichi continued, his voice cracking. “That’s when I found out. That you quit the hotel, that your ex-wife had passed away, and that you were taking custody of your son. I didn’t know any of that.”

His words faltered.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Seiichi’s piercing gaze bore into Keisuke’s chest. “You were planning to throw me away, weren’t you?”

“No,” Keisuke whispered.

“Don’t lie. You left me behind, didn’t you? I waited five years, five years for you, and finally…” Seiichi’s mouth twisted in anguish.

He threw himself over Keisuke, hugging him so tightly that Keisuke could barely breathe. He was pushed back down onto the futon as Seiichi kissed him deeply. Caught in the violent storm of emotion, Keisuke suddenly noticed his son, standing frozen in shock in the corner of the room, watching the scene unfold. Shame washed over him, and in between ragged breaths, he muttered, trembling.

"I'm not okay with this... Takayuki is watching," Keisuke gasped, his voice barely audible.

Seiichi paused for just a moment, but his movements soon resumed, indifferent to the boy's presence.

"Stop," Keisuke pleaded, his breath choked under the weight of Seiichi. His words came out in fragments. "T-Takayuki, go to the other room..." But a kiss smothered his voice before he could finish.

"Hey, you," Seiichi suddenly spoke, addressing the boy. "Stay here. Sit quietly in the corner."

Keisuke’s scream was swallowed by Seiichi’s lips, and his clothes were torn from him. "Stop... please, stop," Keisuke begged, but his legs were spread apart, and he felt the heat between them. "Please... I'm begging you, stop..."

His plea vanished into Seiichi's chest as the rhythm of his thrusts shook Keisuke’s body. Takayuki wouldn’t understand what was happening—how could he?—but to be seen like this...

Seiichi stripped him bare, his lips trailing wet, sucking sounds along Keisuke’s neck. Fingers toyed with his nipples, forcing sounds from Keisuke that he tried desperately to suppress at first. Eventually, he couldn't hold back any longer, and he pressed his hand to his mouth to muffle his moans. When Seiichi pulled Keisuke’s hand away, nothing was left but shameless gasps—cries of pleasure like those of a cat in heat, as Keisuke wept under the relentless assault.

After Seiichi finished in the missionary position, he flipped Keisuke over and entered him from behind. Every thrust, every spasm of release—it was all witnessed by Takayuki. There was no escaping that.

Despite the cruelty of it all, Keisuke’s body responded. He could feel it. In time, he forgot about the other presence in the room. The overwhelming love he felt for this man surged through him. His resistance dissolved, and with each tremor of their entwined bodies, he surrendered to the onslaught of desire, again and again.

"Promise me you'll come back," Seiichi pleaded as he thrust into Keisuke from behind. "Don't leave me. I can't live without you. I need you by my side."

Tears fell onto Keisuke’s back, mingling with the sweat and the haze of pleasure. Consumed by intense ecstasy, Keisuke cried, too.

In that moment, Keisuke abandoned all pretense of being human. He forgot he was a father. He let Seiichi pull him into his lap, their bodies still connected. Their eyes met, and Keisuke initiated the kiss this time.

"When you get tired of me, kill me," Keisuke whispered. He had ceased being human. He wanted to be Seiichi’s, completely. To belong only to him. That was all he wanted. That was what felt right.

Keisuke glanced at his son in the corner, but the image of him disappeared in an instant, leaving nothing behind.

He clung to the man he loved, as the seed of overwhelming desire pulsed within him, an unbearable burden he could not shake.

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