Bluebird: Chapter 3

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A month and a half had passed since the assault, and it was then that Kawachi realized his heat had not come. Over the past six months, the duration of his heats had become longer and more irregular, but it had never been this delayed before. As he thought about it, he arrived at the conclusion that perhaps his heat had disappeared altogether. Four days before his thirty-fifth birthday... Maybe God had given him a few extra days, a small gift. If his heat was gone, that would mean he had essentially become a Beta. And if that was the case, he could marry Serina without having to lie to her. The hope he had thought he lost had returned to his grasp. If he could just "forget" the trauma of the assault, then maybe, just maybe, I can finally be happy.

But even after two months, the heat still didn't come. By the third month, he was certain it was gone. And then, during a routine check-up at the Omega clinic, he was confronted with the worst reality.

"...Pregnant...?"

He couldn’t process the information, so he whispered the word again, as if to confirm it.

"Uh, this is a joke, right?"

The nearly sixty-year-old doctor looked at him with eyes full of pity and declared, "There’s no mistake."

"Kawachi-san, you’re pregnant. When an Omega in heat has intercourse with an Alpha, there’s a ninety percent chance of pregnancy. However, because this was your first sexual experience, your age, and the fact that you were entering a period where your heats had become unstable, the chances of pregnancy were low. We also considered the possibility that your heat had disappeared. But now that we’ve confirmed the pregnancy, it seems it’s the result of that. Your heat will stop during the pregnancy, but once you give birth, your heat will return after a short period."

The doctor asked, "Have you experienced any nausea or vomiting, the symptoms of morning sickness?"

Now that he thought about it, there had been moments of nausea not long ago, but he had interpreted them positively, thinking it was just his body adjusting to becoming a Beta.

The strength drained from his body. His shoulders slumped, and he lowered his head, staring blankly at the floor. The possibility of pregnancy had always existed, but he had tried not to think about it. He hadn’t wanted to think about it. It was easier to believe in the possibility that maybe his heat had disappeared. That belief held the promise of a bright future.

"Kawachi-san, I know you were someone who had the potential to overcome your heat, and I understand how strongly you hoped for that, so I truly regret this outcome," the doctor continued. "There have been research reports suggesting that some people’s heats become unstable before turning thirty-five, but in your case, it’s an especially severe example. The rebound effect might be more intense due to your relatively mild heats before. I understand that this was an unintended encounter, but since the male Omega’s uterus is structurally different from a female’s, abortion is not an option."

I remember learning about that in sex education back in middle school.

"In your case, this will be recognized as an 'accident,' so you have two options: you can raise the child yourself, or you can give it up to the government for adoption."

His head spun. He couldn’t accept the fact that he was pregnant, and there was no way he could think about what would happen after the child was born.

"You will need to decide whether to raise the child or put it up for adoption within thirty days after the birth. Male Omegas have a uterus that is longer and closer to the spine compared to females, so there’s typically no significant change in body shape during pregnancy."

Even after the examination ended, he couldn’t bring himself to stand up from the chair. Seeing his state, the doctor kindly offered him a bed in a nearby room to rest, and he lay there for a while. The doctor suggested he attend counseling for male Omegas who became pregnant due to rape, but he declined, saying that he wasn’t ready for it yet.

Though the door was closed, he could still hear the doctor’s voice faintly from the room next door. Unable to think, he just stared blankly at the ceiling. Gradually, his eyes became hot, and a tear slipped down his cheek.

The dimly lit supplies room in high school, the first heat he couldn't handle, and the rape that followed... Yoshino was made into a mate. He had thought he transferred schools because the rumors had spread and he couldn’t stay there anymore, but what if... What if Yoshino had gotten pregnant too?

If that was the case, maybe Yoshino had felt the same despair he was feeling now. No, he had it worse. He was made into a mate. But what did it even matter to think, "At least my situation’s not as bad as his?" Was there any meaning in that kind of comparison?

Raped by a man, his pride and future crushed, the world before him lost all color. When his heat hadn’t come and the hope that he might have become a Beta brought color back to his surroundings, he had thought maybe he could start over. But now, with the harsh reality of pregnancy, the world drained of color again. Even when he covered his face with both hands, the tears kept flowing relentlessly. What am I supposed to do? Could he even tell Serina about this? If he did, he would have to explain how it happened. Could he really say he had been raped by a man?

After resting for about two hours, Kawachi left the hospital in the afternoon. It was a weekday, and he had taken the day off for the appointment. He had planned to go back to work in the afternoon if the check-up finished in the morning, but now, he couldn’t bring himself to even think about it. He didn’t want to go home either. With nowhere else to go, he kept walking. The snow grew heavier, and he felt a strange weariness creeping in. Desperate for shelter, he found himself stepping into a café near the station, almost as if fleeing.

Pregnancy, raising a child, his relationship with Serina... He had no idea what to do. He truly didn’t know. Suddenly, he thought of his mother, who had raised him alone. I can’t be strong like her. What kind of resolve did she have when she decided to raise him on her own? Was it because he was the child of a man she had once loved? His child, on the other hand, was the product of rape. And that filthy, nauseating act... He didn’t want to go through childbirth, especially not a birth that seemed to symbolize the foolishness of male Omegas and the end of such a disgraceful act.

I wish it would just disappear, vanish from inside me… The thought frightened him. The child in his womb had done nothing wrong. It was his own fault for pushing himself to go to work despite feeling unwell, for underestimating his heat’s control. It was his own responsibility. Inukai wasn’t at fault either. He knew that. He really does know. But acknowledging it would drag him deeper into self-loathing, and he felt his mind slowly slipping into madness.

Kawachi gripped the coffee mug tightly with both hands, staring at his reflection in the dark liquid. I want to die. The thought came unbidden, and it lingered. What if I found a place where no one would be inconvenienced and died quietly, alone? If I were gone, I wouldn’t have to think about Serina, childbirth, parenting… None of it. No one would ever know about the rape or the pregnancy, and I could end my life cleanly, leaving everything behind.

As he sank deeper into the dark depths of his thoughts, the phone on the table buzzed with a message. The timing was awful, and when he saw that it was from Inukai, he didn’t want to look at the name, so he ignored it at first. But then, wondering if it might be work-related, he couldn’t resist, and within five minutes, he opened the message.

“Hello. I heard from someone in your department that you took the day off for a check-up. I hope you're okay.”

The dark, angry emotions surged up in him all at once. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. Without thinking, he sent back, I’m not okay. Almost immediately, a reply came through: “I’d like to meet and talk. Where are you right now?”

He didn’t want to see him. He didn’t want to meet him. He ignored the message, but soon another one came: “Please tell me where you are. I’m worried, and I can’t focus on work.”

The exchange itself was becoming more troublesome. He responded curtly, “At the café near S station.” Less than fifteen minutes later, the man appeared at the café.

When he was alone, a one-sided and unreasonable hatred for Inukai swirled inside him, but as soon as the man sat next to him, all the harsh words he had been thinking in his mind disappeared.

"Are you feeling okay?" Inukai asked, his face filled with concern.

"I’m sorry for sending you that strange message. It’s really nothing, don’t worry about it."

Though he said this, Inukai’s face didn’t look convinced. It felt as if those beautiful eyes were seeing through the lie, and he quickly turned his gaze away.

"…Um, you might not want to be asked this, and I’m just speculating, but… could it be that you’re pregnant?"

The direct question hit him like a punch, making his heart tremble. He couldn’t respond. He lowered his eyes, clenched his teeth, and tried to suppress the turmoil that was surging inside him. Ha-ha... he forced a laugh.

"That’s not…"

His voice shook, and his words disappeared. A strange, sorrowful emotion welled up inside him, and he let out a stifled sob. He hated the idea of being seen crying, so he pressed his palm to his mouth. But still, the tears fell, one after another.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Inukai said softly.

There was no hiding it anymore. He forced another hollow laugh, lowering his face, and wrapped both hands around his head.

"The conception rate during a heat cycle is really something, huh? I’m surprised," Inukai remarked.

He fell silent after that, and the lack of an apology from the man sitting next to him was honestly a relief. If he had apologized, it would have been too much to bear. He already knew he had no choice but to forgive this man.

"Could you lift your head, please, Kawachi-san?"

"No," Kawachi replied, his voice thick. His face, unmistakably red from tears, was in a terrible state.

"Please. Look at me."

It was annoying. It was bothersome. He thought that as he wiped his tears with the cuff of his sleeve and finally lifted his head. The look in Inukai’s eyes was unnervingly serious as he stared at him.

"...Will you marry me?"

Kawachi blinked, mouth half-open, tilting his head in confusion.

" Male Omegas, when they get pregnant, due to the structure of their bodies, they can only give birth. It must be difficult to raise a child alone, and since it’s my child as well, I think this is the most natural way to proceed."

Inukai’s expression was sincere; he wasn’t joking.

“That was an accident. You don’t have to go that far,” Kawachi said, shaking his head.

"But it's my child, right?"

"Yes, but... I’ve never thought about marrying a man. I can’t even imagine it. Besides, I have someone I love. I love her. If I were to marry, it would be with her."

Inukai murmured a small "Ah" and lowered his eyes. The two of them sat in silence for a while. Kawachi thought that Inukai must be feeling responsible, but even though he didn’t reject same-sex marriage, he was heterosexual. No matter that he was an Omega or that he had been raped and gotten pregnant, he still wanted to be with a woman.

"Does your girlfriend know about your condition?" Inukai asked quietly.

"She knows I'm an Omega. She said she’d still have a child with me."

"No, I meant, does she know about your pregnancy?"

"She doesn’t know. I just found out from the doctor myself."

"If you're going to raise the child, you’ll have to tell her, won’t you? Or are you planning to give the child up for adoption without telling her?"

Adoption was out of the question. His mother had raised him on her own, so he couldn’t bear to abandon his own child. If he was going to raise it, he’d have to tell Serina. But how and when could he even bring it up? He didn’t want to tell her whose child it was. But he knew he’d be asked how it happened, and she would likely question him. Could she accept it without him explaining? Would she just be disgusted and leave him? He was scared. He couldn’t imagine finding another woman who understood him the way Serina did. He didn’t want to break up with her. He didn’t want to be abandoned.

"If you choose to give the child up, would you let me raise them?" Inukai asked, his voice steady.

Kawachi was stunned. Inukai looked at him with a serious expression, pressing his hand to his chest as if swearing an oath.

“I think I have the right, since I’m the father,” Inukai said firmly.

Kawachi stared at him for a moment before replying, “You really want a child that badly?”

“I love children. If it’s my own child, all the more so—I want to raise them myself,” Inukai said, his tone earnest.

“But it’s not just any child,” Kawachi said bitterly. “It’s a child that was conceived during the heat cycle... and you’re still single. How are you going to explain this to your parents?”

Inukai’s expression remained unwavering as he responded, “This is my life. My parents have nothing to do with it.”

There was no hesitation in Inukai’s words. But for Kawachi, no matter what happened, he couldn’t imagine handing the child over to him, not unless something drastic occurred. He’d raise the child himself, just as his mother had raised him on her own, carefully and with love. That was what he wanted to do.

The snow outside grew even heavier. The due date was September 3rd. Kawachi had no idea what he would be like by then, what his life would look like. It was impossible to imagine.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

In a bleak, windowless room, Kawachi lay trembling on the small hospital bed, cold sweat running down his body. Beneath the hospital gown, he wore nothing but a dildo and the straps securing it in place. The belt was tightly fastened around his waist and thighs, designed so that it couldn't be removed by his own will.

The dildo inside him vibrated incessantly, writhing and churning within. It made him feel so nauseous that he had already vomited once. And yet, he couldn't remove it. If I take it out, I’ll have to start all over again. That was what they had told him.

Staying in the same position became unbearable, so he drew his knees up. The shift in angle caused the dildo to press into a different spot, and the searing discomfort brought tears to his eyes.

I don’t even know anymore— whether it was the dildo causing this agony or the effects of his heat making him feel so wretched.

This state would continue for another two hours. If he didn’t distract himself with other thoughts, the torment would be unbearable.

The room was sterile and lifeless, but a table and chair sat by the bedside, and a calendar was pinned to the wall. Today was November 27th. He suddenly remembered—the day a year ago… the day Inukai raped me.

The realization of such a grim coincidence brought nothing but a dry, hollow laugh.

On September 8th, Kawachi gave birth to a child. The saying that a man’s pregnancy doesn’t show was true—no one realized that Kawachi was pregnant, even as he reached his final month. After the birth, rest was absolutely necessary, and so, in his fourth month of pregnancy, he spoke to Nonaka about the situation. Nonaka, who had witnessed the assault, sighed and said, "I was worried about that too." Afterward, she managed to secure a three-month leave for him and explained to their colleagues that "Kawachi’s chronic illness had worsened and required surgery."

Kawachi couldn’t bring himself to tell Serina that he was pregnant. He was unsure when, or at what point, he should say it. Time passed as he grew more anxious and uncertain. Conversations about meeting Serina’s parents, the wedding, and the date of their marriage registration all came to a halt. To make matters worse, he couldn’t maintain an erection, and he could feel Serina’s growing frustration, her impatience palpable even when she was silent beside him.

When he consulted a doctor, he was told that, for some Omega men, pregnancy could cause a significant drop in libido, and that this might be the case for him. The doctor assured him that things would return to normal after childbirth. He had never been particularly driven by sexual desire, and his heat cycles had always been mild. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to tell Serina that he couldn’t get hard because he was pregnant. Instead, he lied again, telling her that the lack of heat cycles and the hormonal shifts made it difficult for him to maintain an erection, but that it would gradually improve with time.

Serina discovered the pregnancy in the seventh month. Kawachi had been feeling unwell for two days, with a fever, so he visited the Omega specialist clinic. Normally, he would have opted for over-the-counter medicine, but worried about the baby, he went to the hospital instead. Diagnosed with a summer cold, he collected his prescription and returned home, utterly exhausted. He collapsed into bed and fell asleep immediately.

He had let Serina know he wasn’t feeling well and was going to the hospital. Concerned, she stopped by his apartment after work, using the spare key he had given her. Inside, she found the cold medicine on the table—and a maternity record book.

When Kawachi woke up, it was already night. In the living room, he noticed a plastic bag with groceries he didn’t remember buying on the table, next to the maternity record book. The realization that Serina had seen it hit him like a lightning bolt. His mind went blank. I should have told her myself, not like this. He knew that, but even now, he couldn’t bring himself to contact her. The fear was paralyzing.

For three days, Serina didn’t call or message him. Not hearing her voice, something that had been a daily comfort, made the silence unbearable. Kawachi stared at her contact information on his phone but couldn’t bring himself to tap the screen.

The day Kawachi returned to work, fully recovered, he passed Serina in the hallway. Their eyes met for a brief moment before she hid behind a coworker, avoiding him entirely. It was the first time she had ever openly avoided him, and the sting of it left him shaken. Unable to focus, Kawachi spent the day sitting uselessly at his desk, staring at his computer screen.

Then a message came from Serina: I want to talk. The heaviness in his chest lifted, if only slightly.

They met at a café after work. Normally, their conversations flowed endlessly, but now, sitting across from each other, the silence stretched unbearably. After ten minutes, Serina finally broke it.

“Kawachi-san, are you… pregnant?” she asked quietly.

“Well… yes,” he admitted reluctantly. There was no use denying it after she had seen the maternity record book, complete with his name and an ultrasound photo of the baby.

Serina nodded faintly. “I see,” she murmured, her voice hoarse. “Then… we should break up.”

The words Kawachi had dreaded most hit him like a thunderclap. His body trembled as Serina looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears that threatened to spill.

"...I’ve always thought something was off with you. You didn’t even come to meet my family… I was going to wait, no matter what, but if you’ve found someone else you love, there’s nothing I can do about it. Please, be happy with that person."

“No, that’s not it!” Kawachi blurted, leaning over the table. “It’s not like that. I swear…”

Serina wiped her tears away.

"If I’m not around, you’ll be able to be happy with that person, won’t you? I love you, Kawachi-san. And I’ve loved you for longer. But…”

"No! I love you, Serina. I want to be happy with you."

Serina’s mouth twisted into a bitter smile. “And the baby? What about the baby?”

“I thought… we could be happy together. Me, you, and the baby,” Kawachi said, voicing a hope he knew was fragile.

 Serina glared at him, her lips tightly pressed together. "You say the three of us, but whose child is that?"

Kawachi couldn’t answer. Even though it was the result of a tragic accident, he couldn’t bring himself to admit that the baby was Inukai’s. Not to Serina.

“…It’s impossible,” she said, her expression crumbling as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“It’s impossible. I can’t… Kawachi-san, I can’t…”

She covered her face with both hands and started to cry. Only then did Kawachi realize the selfishness of his actions. A boyfriend who wouldn’t even touch her, yet I went ahead and had a child, then expected her to help take care of it? From Serina’s point of view, it was an utterly cruel thing to ask.

Kawachi couldn’t bring himself to say anything to Serina as she cried. He knew that begging her not to leave, pleading with her to not abandon him, would only cause her more pain, so he kept silent.

After parting from his beloved, he felt an emptiness in his chest, as though a hole had been torn open, leaving nothing but a profound sense of nothingness. He continued to work, but everything felt unreal, distant. Conversations with others became bothersome, yet he couldn’t stand being alone, so every evening after work, he went to the movie theater. If there was nothing new to watch, he would watch the same movie again and again.

Once, he received a message from Inukai: "If you have time, would you like to go out for a meal?" He didn’t understand why he had been invited. He thought about turning it down, but then forgot about it, and about a week later, after finishing a movie, he ran into Inukai in the lobby.

"Good evening, what a coincidence," Inukai said, speaking cautiously. "If you haven't had dinner yet, would you like to join me?"

There was nothing to talk about, and he didn’t want to spend time with him, so Kawachi muttered, "I’m tired," and walked away without a second glance.

The shock of being rejected by Serina was so overwhelming that Kawachi couldn’t focus on anything around him, not even on the baby growing inside him. Perhaps, even at this stage, he didn’t want to acknowledge that he was pregnant. His indifference was so complete that he had even forgotten the due date.

As usual, after watching a movie, he was on his way home when he felt a strange sensation in his body. Panicked, he looked down to find that his groin was soaked, and there was a puddle of liquid gathering at his feet. He quickly got off the train. He wondered why he had leaked without feeling the need to urinate, and only then did it dawn on him that it might be amniotic fluid. He rushed to a hospital in a taxi.

The baby was a boy. When the nurse congratulated him, there was no joy, no overwhelming emotion. He was simply exhausted.

Still, as he looked at the child, the thought slowly began to take root: I am the only one who can care for this child. A sense of parenthood gradually emerged. The baby had pale skin and delicate, well-defined features, looking more like Inukai than Kawachi himself. He hadn’t thought of a name yet, and after some hesitation, he decided to name him Yuu, taking the first character from his mother’s name.

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