Bluebird: Chapter 9

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By evening, Kawachi’s trembling finally ceased, and the release of pheromones had completely stopped. The long, uninterrupted session meant to suppress the heat had left Kawachi utterly drained, unable to even stand properly. Supporting his exhausted partner, Inukai helped him into a taxi.

Kawachi slumped in the back seat, his head bowed and body limp. The taxi driver glanced at them with concern, asking, “Is your companion okay?”

Inukai reassured him with a quick nod but resolved to let Kawachi rest as soon as they got home. That plan was derailed the moment they arrived, though. Sensing Kawachi’s return, Yuu started wailing, “Mama! Mama!” at the top of his lungs. His cries set off Kouta, who joined in with his own high-pitched “Aah! Aah!” chorus.

Even as Inukai offered to handle things, Kawachi shook his head, saying, “They’ve been lonely while I was away,” and brought both children into the bedroom himself.

Yuu and Kouta clung to Kawachi with all their strength, their tiny hands desperate to keep him close. Both wanted milk, and though Kawachi’s exhaustion was evident in his expression, he pulled up his shirt and offered them what they needed—Yuu latched onto the right, Kouta on the left. As they nursed, Kawachi gently stroked their little heads, his movements tender despite the weight of his fatigue.

It was clear that Kawachi wanted to give his children all the attention they craved, but his body was at its breaking point. Holding both of them, he swayed unsteadily, dangerously close to collapsing.

“I’ll take over. You need to rest,” Inukai said, stepping forward.

But Kawachi shook his head faintly, his grip on the children tightening. “They’re still hungry,” he muttered, refusing to let go.

“It’s okay. I’ll handle it. Please, just lie down,” Inukai insisted, his voice softer this time.

When he placed a steadying hand on Kawachi’s hunched back, Kawachi’s whole body tensed, trembling under the contact. The violent reaction startled Inukai, and he immediately withdrew his hand. When Kawachi turned to look at him, his eyes were shadowed with what seemed to be fear.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No... no, it’s fine...”

Just a few hours ago, they had been in the same bed. Naked, embracing, kissing repeatedly. The sensation of it still lingered vividly in her mind, so the way he reacted, just from a touch on his back, was unexpected. Of course, if it weren’t for his heat cycle, I’d never touch him like this.

It dawned on him then—the barrier Kawachi placed around himself, an invisible yet impenetrable wall, only disappeared during his heat. Outside of those brief moments dictated by necessity, the distance between them always reasserted itself. The only time I’m allowed past that wall is when his survival depends on it.

A subtle, indescribable tension hung between them. Eventually, Kouta fell asleep. Kawachi struggled to his feet, his legs unsteady, and carried both boys—placing Kouta gently in the crib and Yuu on a futon. Then, as though all his energy had drained away, he collapsed onto the floor beside them, lying facedown.

“If you’re going to sleep, you should at least change,” Inukai said, noting Kawachi was still dressed in the suit he’d worn the previous day..

“I’m fine. It’s too much trouble.”

“You won’t feel better if you don’t. At least take off your slacks…”

“…I said I’m fine. I don’t care anymore.”

Kawachi closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh, as though brushing off Inukai’s concern as nothing but a nuisance. Though every suggestion was made with his well-being in mind, being rejected still hurt. And yet, forcing what wasn’t wanted wasn’t an option either. As Kawachi’s breathing evened out into soft, quiet snores, Inukai carefully draped a blanket over him.

After brushing his teeth and changing into more comfortable clothes, Inukai returned to the bedroom, only to find Kouta fussing. Kawachi remained sound asleep, completely unaware. Picking up the restless child, Inukai quietly stepped out of the room. He changed Kouta’s diaper, calming the baby, who soon began to nod off again in his arms.

Kawachi loves the children. Of that, there’s no doubt. But as for Inukai himself, Kawachi only stayed with him because he was the children’s father. During Kawachi’s heat, he might feel needed, but even then, it was only his body—or more precisely, his semen—that was necessary. If not for the heat, Kawachi probably wouldn’t even look at him.

I love Kawachi. I want him to love me the way I love him. But that desire felt like nothing more than a burden to Kawachi.

Is this really love? Inukai wondered. If being with me brings him so much pain—if our sex and the pregnancies are the cause of his suffering—can I still call this love?

Holding onto the physical connection as a fragile anchor for his emotions felt selfish, and Inukai knew it. If Kawachi can’t bring himself to love a selfish man like me, then… maybe that’s just how it has to be.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Two days after Kawachi's escape to the love hotel, Inukai managed to take a two-hour break during his rounds and visited Kawachi's designated Omega specialist on his own. He had asked the doctor to keep his visit a secret from Kawachi.

Inukai told the doctor about the events that had transpired—the way Kawachi had gone into heat, run off to the love hotel, and how the suppressants hadn’t worked, leaving him on the brink of death before he finally contacted Inukai.

“Kawachi seemed to think he would rather die than have sex with me,” Inukai said, speaking flatly.

The doctor nodded gravely. “I see.”

“Even though he has two children now, it’s still the same. After this round of sex, Kawachi will likely get pregnant. During pregnancy, it’s fine. The heat will stop. But after that, once he gives birth and the next heat cycle comes around… if he tries to refuse sex again and acts like he wants to kill himself, I don’t know what I’ll do. Is there any way to stop it?”

The doctor crossed his arms and fell silent for a moment. After a heavy pause, he finally spoke.

“Controlling the heat cycle varies by individual, and it has been a long-standing issue among Omega researchers. There has been progress in the development of suppressants worldwide, and some good medications have come out, but Kawachi’s symptoms, as he approached thirty-five, had become uncontrollable. It may be a reaction to how light his heats used to be, but now they are far more intense. As it stands, sex is the only option.”

There was no hope in the reality the doctor laid out. There was nothing that could be done.

“As for Kawachi… would you say he associates ‘sex with men’ and ‘pregnancy’ with self-harm?”

Hearing those words spoken aloud felt like a knife in the chest.

“There was nothing unusual between the time we found out about the second pregnancy and the birth. He used to suffer from postpartum depression, but now we have a maid who helps with the children during the day, so there’s no mental instability.”

Inukai knew, deep down, that this wasn’t really answering the question.

“If pregnancy and child-rearing aren’t an issue, then it seems like he has accepted pregnancy. That leaves us with the problem of ‘sex with men,’ doesn’t it?”

Hearing this conclusion, Inukai couldn’t help but feel like he was the cause of all of Kawachi’s pain.

“…That may be the case.”

The doctor nodded several times, his movements shallow, acknowledging Inukai’s passive agreement.

“Kawachi had hoped to marry a woman. Even though he’s an Omega, it’s not easy to change one’s sexual orientation. I understand that he resists, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. However, at this point, there is no way for Kawachi to get through his heat cycle except through sex with you, his mate. But if we focus only on the act of ‘sex,’ there are some methods we could try.”

Inukai, intrigued, asked, “What methods?”

The doctor retrieved a tablet from his desk and said, “Kawachi has already tried this once…”

◇:-:◆:-:◇

The reason and circumstances behind why Kawachi had fled to the love hotel during his heat were never spoken of directly by him. Because of this, Inukai processed the event in his mind as if it had never happened.

Although he couldn't shake the lingering thoughts about that day, life with the two children and his same-sex partner—the “normal daily life”—had returned. And, most likely, a third child would soon follow. Even with the family growing, the subtle distance between himself and Kawachi seemed like it would never change.

On the tatami mat in the living room, Kawachi was nursing Kouta to sleep. Then, Yuu began to roll around on the futon. Kawachi caught him and rolled with him, laughing. It was a happy scene, but it also felt lonely. Even though they were family, Inukai couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t part of this joyful circle.

Yuu, who shared half of his blood, was so innocent as he clung to Kawachi and sweetly asked for attention. I’m jealous... no, that’s not right. It’s unfair. Inukai was taken aback by this feeling. How could I feel jealousy toward my own child, toward such a small child? He knew it was irrational, but even so, the feeling of envy would often rise up, no matter how much he tried to admonish himself.

As he struggled with these dark emotions, he found it harder and harder to watch the children cling to Kawachi. The sight made him sick to his stomach.

In the past, he used to go straight home after work, but now, he purposely stayed late, adding unnecessary overtime to his schedule just so he could return home later. If I come home late, Yuu and Kouta will already be asleep... he thought. One evening, when Kawachi asked him, “Are you busy lately?” Inukai lied, replying, “This new project is tough.”

That day, after visiting clients in the morning, he was delayed and bought a sandwich at a bakery near the head office, having lunch on a bench in the park. The lunch spots were usually crowded and time-consuming, so if the weather was good, a sandwich in the park had become his recent habit.

As November arrived, the air outside grew colder, but the crispness made it feel pleasant. He absentmindedly watched the ginkgo trees swaying in the wind. Then, a familiar silhouette entered his field of vision. He didn’t want to believe it, but sure enough, it was Kawachi.

When they had worked in the same branch, they used to run into each other frequently at the office. But since Inukai transferred to headquarters, that had become a rare occurrence.

Noticing Inukai, Kawachi stopped in his tracks. For a moment, Inukai felt a nervous pang, wondering if he would be ignored, but instead, Kawachi walked straight toward him.

Though Inukai had seen Kawachi in a suit at home, there was something different about him when seen outside. He gave off the air of a capable, reliable superior. No one would guess this man was an Omega who had borne two children.

“You’re eating here?” Kawachi looked down at the half-eaten sandwich in Inukai’s hands.

“Yes. I feel better eating outside,” Inukai answered, then paused. “What about you? Why…?”

Kawachi gave a light shake of the convenience store bag he was holding and answered, “Well, you know…”

"Head office told me to bring some product samples for a presentation. The younger guy was supposed to go, but right before he left, he suddenly said he was feeling sick, so I had to take his place."

As he spoke, Kawachi sat down next to Inukai, pulling a bento out of the convenience store bag in his hand.

"If you get here late for lunch, all the local restaurants are packed with lines. I was surprised."

"It's an office district, so it gets crowded at lunchtime."

"But seriously, how messed up is it that even the convenience store eat-in area is full? I just bought a bento and was wandering around, looking for a place to eat when I saw you, and I thought, 'Oh!'"

Inukai deliberately slowed his pace as he ate his sandwich. This way, it wouldn’t feel strange to be sitting there with Kawachi while he ate. It was a small trick, but it felt pointless. Despite being in a marriage, Inukai felt like he was the only one caught in an unrequited love.

The sky was an impossible blue, almost as if it didn’t match the darkness inside him. The bench was in the shade, and now and then, a cold wind blew by.

"This place is nice," Kawachi said.

Inukai felt a small flicker of happiness. Kawachi seemed to like his favorite spot. Kawachi, who must have been hungry, ate the bento voraciously, taking large bites. If he wasn’t careful with his own pace, Kawachi might finish first.

But suddenly, Kawachi’s chopsticks paused. His gaze followed a young boy, about Yuu's age, walking hand-in-hand with a woman in a mini-skirt, likely his mother. Kawachi's eyes lingered on them, and Inukai’s chest tightened. Was this what Kawachi wanted? A family like them, with that woman and a child—plus himself somewhere in the picture?

"I wonder if I’m pregnant," Kawachi said suddenly. His words cut through the moment, pulling up memories of that day neither had wanted to revisit.

Inukai didn’t know why Kawachi would bring it up now, after both had avoided the topic. Unsure how to respond, he simply said, "I’m not sure."

"We’ve had two boys, so next, I hope for a girl," Kawachi said, with an odd, almost eager tone, as if looking forward to what would come next.

Inukai was bewildered. How could this man—who had rejected me, rejected men, and even almost died rejecting sex—now talk as if he’s looking forward to having children?

It didn’t make sense. I don't understand what he’s thinking. I really don’t.

He recalled the doctor’s words. Maybe, even though he hates sex with men, he’s come to accept pregnancy and childbirth.

Inukai placed his half-eaten sandwich back into the paper bag. The lump in his throat made it impossible to eat anymore. He had been wanting to talk about something for a long time, something he had never been able to say before, but now—now, in this moment—he felt like he could finally say it.

"…If you get pregnant, your heat will stop, but it will return after childbirth, right?"

Kawachi turned to face him.

"Probably. What's this all of a sudden?"

"Well... if you're pregnant this time, and then your heat returns after childbirth, it's something for the future, but I was thinking we might try changing things a little."

"Change things?" Kawachi repeated, his expression one of confusion.

"For example," Inukai continued, "what about trying sex therapy again?"

Kawachi’s cheek twitched slightly.

"We could store my sperm, and when your heat comes back, we could use it for intercourse therapy. That way, your heat would subside without physical contact between us. Pregnancy would be unavoidable, but I think it could greatly reduce the burden on you."

His doctor had also told him that using the partner's sperm for intercourse therapy was the most desirable option.

"What do you think?"

He asked, his eyes searching Kawachi's face, but there was only silence in response.

"…That might be an option. I’ll think about it," Kawachi muttered.

He roughly slammed the lid of his half-eaten bento closed, stood up, and muttered, "I'm leaving." The air around him seemed to crackle with tension. Did he get angry?

"Ah, um…" Inukai began.

"Later," Kawachi cut him off, walking away briskly.

Inukai watched him go, feeling a knot tighten in his chest. He had thought this suggestion was the one that aligned most closely with Kawachi’s wishes, but the reaction had been poor. Maybe it was too sudden, maybe it couldn’t be accepted right away. But if Kawachi took the time to think about it, he would surely see that it was the best option.

The more Inukai thought about Kawachi’s irritated attitude, the more uneasy he became. I’ll talk to him properly when we get home, he resolved to himself.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

"I don’t know what to do."

Inukai cradled his head in both hands. Mizuguchi, who had been listening to the story, furrowed his brow and crossed his arms.

The sizzling sound of meat cooking, the cheerful shouts from the staff, the murmur of other customers—all of it was lively in the yakiniku restaurant, but at their table, only a heavy, oppressive atmosphere hung in the air.

Mizuguchi, a friend from university, had joined the same company, but while Inukai was in a branch office, Mizuguchi worked in research at the headquarters. They were both busy, and they only kept in touch now and then through social media. Even after Inukai transferred to headquarters, their opportunities to meet were rare, as Mizuguchi’s lab was in a separate building. Their conversations usually ended with "Let’s grab a meal sometime," but finding the chance to do so never seemed to happen.

This time, when Inukai invited him to dinner, Mizuguchi quickly replied, "It’s been a while, I’m in." Mizuguchi, who had married an Omega woman during university and now had three children, immediately started showing Inukai pictures and videos of his family once they sat down. His youngest child was a long-awaited girl, laughing happily in her mother's arms.

"By the way, what about you? No girlfriend or anything?"

Inukai kept his situation a secret due to its complexity, but he trusted Mizuguchi enough to tell him.

"Actually, I got married."

Mizuguchi looked at him with a blank expression, then, after a few seconds, let out a loud "Eh?!" so loudly that nearby customers turned to look.

"I have two kids."

The waiter arrived, and their conversation was paused for the moment. After they finished ordering, Mizuguchi pressed him again.

"What’s going on?! You never told me! Who’s your wife? What’s she like? Show me a picture!"

He fired questions at him in quick succession. Inukai glanced around. He had deliberately chosen a restaurant far from the office, so there was no chance of running into anyone he knew.

Inukai explained that his partner was an Omega man from the same company, and that his partner didn’t want to share the fact of their pregnancy, so only his partner's boss knew about their marriage and children. He shared everything—their initial bond, which had been a pheromone-induced accident, how he had proposed when he got pregnant but was rejected, and how, even though his partner’s heat was severe and the suppressants didn’t work, he had tried to avoid sex, almost dying in the process. In the end, Inukai had unilaterally filed their marriage registration to provide the necessary treatment.

Mizuguchi didn’t offer any comments or interjections. He listened seriously, even when the meat they ordered arrived and neither of them made a move to cook it. The staff, passing by, glanced at them in confusion.

When Inukai finished, Mizuguchi sighed deeply and let his shoulders slump.

"That’s so intense, I don’t even know what to say."

Inukai could only manage a wry smile at Mizuguchi’s honest reaction.

"We both love children, and things were going well for a while after our second son was born. It felt more like we were partners in raising children than a married couple. But then, his heat came again. Even though he knew that if he didn’t have sex with me, he’d be in danger of dying, he ran away. Eventually, he contacted me... and told me clearly that he hated sex. I understand that. After all, he had a girlfriend and was planning to marry her."

Even after he vented all of this, Inukai didn’t feel any relief.

"He can’t use suppressants, so if he doesn’t have sex during his heat, he’ll die. I need him to stay alive for the sake of the kids, so I suggested sex therapy to reduce the burden of the sex he hates. But ever since then, things between us have started to get strange…”

From that night, after their conversation on the park bench, Kawachi’s attitude changed. He was distant when spoken to and refused to make eye contact. At first, Inukai tried to tell himself that everyone has bad days, but the next day was the same.

Whenever he tried to talk, Kawachi would make up excuses like, "I just remembered something," or "I’m busy," and go to another room. He smiled at the children as usual, but whenever Inukai was around, his expression was like a lifeless Noh mask. Sawako, noticing this, asked, "Did you two have a fight or something?"

“If you have any complaints, please talk to me.”

Even though Inukai gathered the courage to say this, Kawachi only replied with a dismissive “It’s nothing.” Inukai didn’t understand why he was being treated so coldly. If he hated sex therapy, it was fine, but if they couldn’t talk about it, he didn’t know what to do.

As Inukai spent his days agonizing over whether Kawachi was disgusted with him, he found something unexpected. On a rare occasion when he finished work early and arrived home before Kawachi, Sawako told him that Yuu had diarrhea in the afternoon. His mood wasn’t bad, so it was hard to decide whether to take him to the hospital or just keep an eye on him. Sawako, an expert in childcare, was unsure too.

Inukai, concerned about any potential risks, decided to take Yuu to the hospital. While looking for Yuu’s medical card, he couldn’t find it. Feeling guilty, he searched through Kawachi’s drawers in the shelf he used, and there, folded up, was a divorce notice. His heart nearly stopped.

In the end, the medical card couldn’t be found, but they went to the usual clinic anyway. The records were still in the hospital, and Yuu wasn’t seriously ill. However, from that day onward, Inukai could no longer sleep. The thought of when or how Kawachi might bring up divorce, what would happen to the children—it terrified him. Just thinking about it made him unable to look Kawachi in the face. The lack of sleep began to affect his work, and his concentration suffered. He made a series of careless mistakes. Even his boss, Komaki, asked, "Is there something bothering you?"

Mizukuchi, looking troubled, said, "I want to give you some advice, but I’ve never met your partner, so I don’t know what kind of person he is."

"I can introduce you anytime," Inukai replied. "Even if he can’t talk to me about it, maybe he’d be able to talk to someone else."

"But saying that, do you think it’s possible for him to open up to a complete stranger, an Alpha who’s a friend of his husband?" Mizukuchi clicked his tongue. "Maybe if it was my wife, who’s also an Omega, but..."

"Right," Mizukuchi said, snapping his fingers as an idea came to him. "Actually, I’m going on a day trip camping with my wife and the kids this weekend. Why don’t you guys come with us?"

"Camping? It’s already November..."

Mizukuchi clicked his tongue again. "You don’t get it. The bugs are gone, and it’s the perfect season for a bonfire. Early winter camping is really popular."

Inukai had never been camping, so he had a vague impression that it was a summer activity, but it seemed that wasn’t the case.

"It’s a day trip, so you don’t need a lot of preparation. It’s easy. Plus, if we go camping, your partner and my wife will have a chance to be alone together. It’ll be a good opportunity for them to talk naturally."

Before he could think it through, Inukai found himself already leaning forward and responding, "I’m going. I’ll definitely go."

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