About Love: Chapter 10

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Inside the sunlit office, Asaka found himself absently staring at the script in his hands. There was no time to be dawdling like this—he knew that. He pressed the mental start button over and over, trying to snap himself back into focus, but his concentration kept slipping away. His thoughts strayed from the script before him, wandering elsewhere.

With a sigh, Asaka headed to the restroom and splashed cold water on his face, hoping the chill would wake him up. He slapped his cheeks a couple of times for good measure and walked back to his desk—only to find his senior colleague, Takahashi, watching him with a bewildered expression.

Sasagawa had been acting strange ever since the morning. He wouldn’t look Asaka in the eye, kept his head down, and barely spoke. In fact, as far as Asaka could recall, the only thing he had said all day was, "I’m heading to work."

It wasn’t as if Asaka had blacked out from drinking the night before. He clearly remembered kissing Sasagawa—several times, in fact. Kissing another man wasn’t exactly normal, but they’d been light, childlike kisses, more like an act of comfort than anything else. With alcohol in their systems, it could be written off as a drunken joke.

If Sasagawa had just acted normal, Asaka wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But the way he was behaving—so blatantly avoiding him—made it impossible to ignore. Was there something more to that kiss than just fooling around?

Asaka swallowed hard. What if those kisses hadn’t stopped at something innocent? What if they had turned into something deeper—what if they had ended up having sex?

Sex… with Sasagawa.

Asaka groaned and slammed his forehead against his desk.

The sensation of the kiss came rushing back. The brush of breath against his lips. The scent of Sasagawa. The unexpected softness of his hair. The memories felt so vivid, too real. Asaka shook his head violently. He had never been attracted to men before, never once thought about sleeping with one.

Then why were these thoughts haunting him so relentlessly?

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

His voice came out in a whisper, filled with frustration.

From the desk beside him, Takahashi muttered, "That’s my line…"

◇:-:◆:-:◇

All day, Asaka had been muttering to himself, snapping at nothing, turning pale one moment and red the next—his face shifting like a malfunctioning TV screen. The moment work ended, Kohara promptly ordered him to go home.

"You’re acting weird. What happened?"

Asaka couldn’t exactly say, I kissed a man and now I’m losing my mind over it, so he just hung his head in silence.

Unusually for him, he found himself caught in the rush hour crowd, swaying with the train as it carried him home. Every time he heard a ringtone, he flinched, afraid it might be his own phone.

But his phone never rang.

By the time he reached his apartment, Asaka wasn't sure if he felt relieved or disappointed. Either way, he didn’t want to hear that ringtone—not tonight. The moment he stepped inside, he switched off his phone.

He pulled out the convenience store bento he had bought and turned on the TV. Lately, he’d been eating out with Sasagawa so often that it felt strange to be having dinner alone, with only the television for company.

A drama trailer flashed across the screen. A couple, clearly in love, shared a brief kiss.

Asaka’s chopsticks froze midair.

Without thinking, he stood up. But he had no reason to be standing, no goal in mind. Feeling ridiculous, he sat back down and switched off the TV.

He was restless.

Maybe thinking about work would help distract him. Setting his chopsticks aside, he reached for the nearest wedding magazine. But as luck would have it, the page he opened to featured yet another kissing scene. Panicking, he tossed the magazine away.

His heartbeat was too fast.

At this rate, it felt like his heart might suddenly stop altogether.

Did he like Sasagawa?

Was that why he was feeling this way?

Maybe. Maybe not.

He liked Sasagawa—enjoyed his company, felt at ease around him. Sasagawa listened to him, never dismissed his thoughts. But did that automatically mean it was love? It didn’t feel that simple.

Besides, Sasagawa was a man.

Love was supposed to be free, but wasn’t this… unusual?

Thinking about it only made his thoughts more tangled, and though he had barely eaten half of his bento, he felt completely full. Brushing his teeth and changing into his sleepwear, Asaka crawled under the sheets. He figured that if he could just fall asleep, his mind would clear up.

But the fabric of the sheets against his skin, the familiar feel of his bed—it all brought back the memory of last night’s kiss in vivid detail. The complete opposite of what he had wanted. Letting out a low growl like a frustrated dog, Asaka kicked off the covers and bolted out of bed.

Maybe a bath would help. Stripping off his clothes in the changing room, he caught his reflection in the mirror and found himself staring.

No matter how he looked at it, it was a man’s body.

He pressed his palm to his chest, and despite knowing it was his own hand, the sensation sent a shiver down his spine. He let his fingers slide downward, and his back trembled. The impulse to touch himself flared up inside him—but just before he could act on it, he stopped himself and rushed into the bath.

Under the scorching water of the shower, he tried to douse the heat rising inside him. He let the tub fill, then sank into the water, resting his arms on the edge as he spaced out.

The feel of his damp arm against his lips seemed oddly familiar. He pressed his lips firmly against it, then sucked gently, nibbling just slightly.

A sigh echoed through the bathroom.

This was bad. Very bad.

It would have been easier if Sasagawa’s kiss had felt disgusting, if the thought of being near him repulsed him. That would have made things much clearer.

Asaka got out of the bath just before he started feeling lightheaded, wrapped himself in a towel, and staggered to the phone.

If he just sat here, he’d only keep spiraling deeper into this mess of thoughts. It would be better to just settle things, once and for all.

Asaka picked up the receiver and dialed.

The moment the dial tone started ringing, his heartbeat pounded in his ears, making him feel nauseous.

The call connected on the third ring.

"Hello, this is Sasagawa."

"A-ah… um, it’s Asaka."

His voice came out unsteady. He could talk to their company president without a problem, yet right now, he was so nervous his words were shaking.

"A-Ah… A-Asaka-san… um… uh… well… u-uh… a-about l-last night… um…"

The moment Asaka said his name, Sasagawa’s words completely fell apart. His speech stuttered and stumbled, looping in circles.

Even though Asaka himself was nervous, at least he could form coherent sentences.

"Uh… it’s not really a big deal or anything, but, um…"

It was only now that he realized—there was no way he could outright ask Sasagawa, Did you kiss me because you like me?

But even though he couldn't ask, he also couldn’t just hang up and pretend nothing had happened.

He forced himself to find some other excuse for the call.

"Oh, right… um… that restaurant we talked about yesterday. I was wondering when you might be free to go…"

"Oh—right! The restaurant, yes, um…"

It seemed like Sasagawa was trying to go along with the topic, but he didn’t follow up with anything about his availability.

The silence stretched.

Since Sasagawa wasn’t answering, Asaka had nothing to say either. He just gripped the receiver and swallowed dryly.

Then, suddenly—

"I'm, heh... heh... something’s wrong with me!"

Sasagawa’s strained voice broke through.

"A-Asaka-san, y-you must have noticed too, r-right? That I’m weird? That there’s something wrong with me?"

With how badly he was stumbling over his words, not thinking he was acting strange would have been impossible.

"I-I’ve been thinking for a while now that something’s wrong with me. I mean, I’m a man, and yet I’m feeling this way—it’s strange, isn’t it? B-But I told myself it was just because you’re younger than me, that I saw you like a little brother, and that’s why I thought you were… cute…"

Asaka instinctively tensed.

The conversation was heading somewhere serious—fast.

"A-Ah… what am I even saying? My head’s all over the place. I can’t even put things in order properly. I-I can’t even sort out my own feelings right now, so once I’ve calmed down, I’ll come apologize to you properly."

"Wait, hold on—apologize for what—"

Click.

But before he could finish, the line went dead.

Even though he was the one who called, Sasagawa had hung up first.

He had just rambled on about his own confusion and then ended the call, without even listening to a single thing Asaka had to say.

"What the hell was that?!"

Asaka yelled at the silent receiver, knowing full well Sasagawa wouldn’t hear him.

◇:-:◆:-:◇

Before he knew it, the cherry blossoms had completely vanished. Under the May sunlight, fresh green leaves sparkled, reflecting the remnants of yesterday’s rain.

"Good morning."

"Oh my, you're early today."

Asaka greeted as he stepped into the office. It was still well before official working hours, yet Kohara had arrived before him.

Tossing his bag onto his desk, Asaka let out a deep sigh.

"Flex time or not, I’ve got a client appointment at 8:30 in the morning."

"Oh dear, my condolences," Kohara said, giving a slight shrug.

Asaka pulled out the script for today’s consultation and headed toward the resource room at the back of the office. He took out several photo albums containing floral arrangement samples.

"Hey, how’s it going with your lover lately?"

The sudden question from behind made Asaka spin around in surprise. Kohara, who had approached with the quiet steps of a cat, chuckled at his reaction, clearly pleased with herself.

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

Arms crossed, Kohara tilted her head and looked up at Asaka from below.

"Isn’t it? Takahashi-chan was saying, 'Asaka’s been acting weird lately. I bet it’s because of a woman.'"

When Asaka fell silent, Kohara’s grin widened.

"Ever since you joined this company, I’ve never heard any romance talk about you. I was wondering what was going on. What kind of person is it? If you’re having a wedding, I’ll be your organizer, you know?"

Asaka shot her a sharp glare.

"Say much more and I’ll sue you for harassment."

Without warning, Kohara grabbed Asaka by the collar and pulled him close—so close their faces were nearly touching. For a brief moment, Asaka thought she might kiss him. His eyes widened in shock.

Instead, Kohara smiled sweetly and pressed a light kiss to his cheek.

"Now this is real harassment. Don’t get cocky with me," she teased.

Asaka had no choice but to surrender, figuratively raising a white flag. Deflated, he collapsed into a chair.

"I don’t really care about whether you have a lover or not," Kohara continued, "but you’ve seemed out of it lately. What’s weighing on your mind so much? Staring at your phone won’t change anything, you know."

The realization that his fixation on his phone had been obvious to others made Asaka feel somewhat self-conscious.

"There’s just… a lot going on," he admitted. "If things were as simple as liking or disliking someone, if I could just sort everything into black and white, I wouldn’t be struggling this much."

It had been almost a month and a half since Sasagawa last contacted him. He had more than enough time to think—but he still didn’t know if what he felt was romantic love or just friendship. But… he was starting to feel lonely.

He was tired of eating convenience store bento alone at home. He didn’t want to go out by himself anymore. He wanted someone to listen to his pointless ramblings.

"Things are interesting because they’re not black and white," Kohara said with a shrug.

"Agonizing over it is part of the fun of love, but I think you’d be better off just enjoying yourself. If you’ve got time to stare at your phone, why not just call them already?"

With that, Kohara left the resource room, having been summoned elsewhere. Still seated, Asaka muttered to himself, "The essence of romance, huh…"

Hearing it put that way made him rethink what romance even was. He didn’t know anymore.

Being together, talking, caring about someone, having sex—none of that necessarily had to be "love."

He sighed.

Tomorrow was a Saturday—and not just any Saturday, but an auspicious taian day. He had a wedding to oversee. The client’s name was Kitamura. Sasagawa’s best friend.

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