Yellow Diamond: Chapter 3 - part 1

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Winter, Second Year of Junior High

He woke up, but everything around him was pitch black. He thought about sleeping a little longer, but when he lay down, he felt a slimy wet sensation in his crotch. Slipping his hand into his underwear, his fingertips touched something warm and sticky, damp.

He fumbled around the pillow, searching until his hand grasped the familiar hard surface of his smartphone. It read 5:30 AM, and at the same time, a soft yawn escaped his lips.

Yuusei Akimori sluggishly got out of bed. The wet underwear rubbed against his groin, making him feel uncomfortable. He yanked them off quickly, and the chill from his waist down made him shudder. Curling up, he shuffled to the closet and pulled out a fresh pair of underwear. The dirty one went into a plastic convenience store bag, which he tied shut tightly.

After changing from his pajamas into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, he put on a down jacket. He stuffed the plastic bag with the dirty underwear into his pocket. The bulge in the jacket pocket felt awkward, puffing out strangely. He tried pressing it down, but it just sprang back into place once he let go, so he decided to ignore it.

He left his room and tiptoed down the stairs. Cherry, the golden retriever who always slept in the living room on the first floor, poked her head out from behind the door and came trotting over, rubbing against his legs. As Yuusei stroked her head and headed toward the front door, she let out a bark, clearly excited about the walk she knew was coming. “Shh,” he told her gently, attaching her leash.

“What's wrong?”

A voice called out from behind him, making him jump. When he turned around, his mother, wearing a fleece over her pajamas, was looking at him.

“I woke up early. I’m going for a walk,” he replied.

“Okay. Be careful with the cars.”

“I will,” he called back, leaving the house with Cherry.

He wondered if his mother had noticed the weird bulge in his jacket pocket. But no, probably not. Surely not.

The air was crisp and cold, and his breath puffed out in a soft white cloud. Cherry’s breath was white too. By the time they reached the front door, his neck and hands were freezing, so he zipped up his down jacket and shoved his hands into his pockets. His right hand brushed against the plastic bag, which made a crinkling sound that irritated him.

Their final destination was the convenience store, but there was no rush. Cherry loved walks, but she wasn’t much for running, so they strolled slowly. Occasionally, they passed other people walking their dogs, but none of them would ever suspect that a junior high student walking his dog was on his way to throw away his dirty underwear, stained from a wet dream, in the convenience store trash can.

Yesterday, in his dream, his classmate Shun’ichi Sanada had appeared, completely naked. He had only covered his crotch with his hand, and somehow, Yuusei had become incredibly bold and pointed at it, saying, “Show me there.” Without making a look of disgust, Shun’ichi had removed his hand and showed him. Realizing that Shun’ichi would do as he was told, Yuusei had gotten even greedier and asked, “Can I touch it?” To which Shun’ichi replied, “Sure.” Yuusei touched him. He had been so excited, his heart had pounded wildly, like it was going to explode.

It felt like a dream—because it was a dream. He had had dreams like this many times before. Yesterday, they had swimming class, and he had caught a glimpse of Shun’ichi’s naked body, which must have triggered the dream. He knew exactly why he had that dream.

Even though in the dream, he had touched Shun’ichi, he couldn’t remember what it had felt like. He wished he could, but the memory was gone. Then again, even if he could remember it, it would be a lie, a fake memory, because he had never actually touched him.

Since around kindergarten, being with boys was always more fun than being with girls. Even after entering elementary school, that didn’t change. In fourth grade, when the thought of wanting to kiss a boy classmate crossed his mind, he began to wonder if something was wrong with him. After all, in manga and videos, it was always a boy and a girl who kissed. By sixth grade, he learned at school that there were people in the world who loved others of the same gender, whether male or female. Even though he began to understand that might be true for him, he couldn’t tell anyone—not even his close friends. Even though the teacher had explained, “That’s something that happens,” his friends would say things like, “I don’t get boys liking boys,” or “That’s gross.”

Yuusei entered junior high still aware that he liked boys, and that’s when he ended up in the same class as Shun’ichi Sanada. Sanada was skinny, quiet, and had a somewhat mature aura, unlike the classmates who got excited over videos and games. He’d heard from a friend that Sanada came from a single-parent household, and he figured that’s why he seemed so put-together.

As he watched Sanada, thinking, “I like that kind of vibe,” he started to want to talk to him. But Sanada was part of a different group, one that wasn’t well-liked by others, so it was hard to approach. One day, after watching from afar for a while, someone from Sanada’s group wrote nasty things about him on the school’s online message board. One after another, his group members kept writing more insults, and before long, the board was flooded with bad things about Sanada.

They’d post bad things about him on the message board, but in class, they’d hang out with him. It didn’t make any sense. At first, he thought it might just be a small fight, and the posts were temporary payback, but it quickly became clear, even to an outsider, that Sanada was being relentlessly bullied. Watching it made him angry. The bullies were sneaky and cowardly. A sense of duty flared up in him: I have to help him.

So, he told the teacher the truth and helped Sanada. He thought Sanada would be grateful and say “Thank you,” but instead, he was intensely disliked. Even though he did it to help, even though he thought of Sanada and did so many things for him, for some reason, Sanada was angry. He wanted to get close to him, wanted to protect him, and even brought him into his own group. But instead of bonding with him, Sanada got close with another group member, Ichihashi. He talked to Ichihashi but never opened up to him.

No matter how hard he tried, things never went the way he imagined they would. All the small frustrations piled up until, finally, they had a verbal fight. That’s when Sanada called him “homo.” He knew he had to deny it immediately, but his mind went blank, and the words disappeared. Sanada didn’t seem to seriously think he was gay, but when he didn’t deny it, Sanada’s expression turned confused, as if he didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t deny it, and that frustrated him. He liked him, but being treated with contempt made him feel bitter. In that moment, he kissed Sanada. Even now, he still doesn’t understand why he did something like that. Maybe he just wanted to cause trouble because none of it mattered anymore, or maybe he wanted Sanada to understand the feelings he couldn’t put into words…

After that, when the break ended, he didn’t want to go to school. He didn’t want to see Sanada’s face. But if he skipped, he felt like he’d never be able to return to school again. He also knew that even if he put off seeing Sanada, nothing would change.

Even so, as he walked towards school, he sincerely wished that a car would lose control and run him over. He fantasized about Sanada seeing his dead body, regretting what he had said, and apologizing through tears, saying, "I'm sorry." But of course, such convenient miracles don’t happen, and the school building gradually came into view. When he entered the classroom, since they were in the same group, Sanada would be nearby. Sanada, who had been kissed, said nothing and didn’t even look his way. Even when their eyes met, Sanada would quickly look away. At that moment, he realized… the kiss would just be forgotten.

Sanada’s attitude hadn’t changed from that day until now. No difference. He had stopped trying to force conversations with Sanada. Even though they were in the same group, they settled into the position of two people who didn’t really mesh, not talking much. Even when they were gathered in a group, there was a thin wall between him and Sanada. A transparent, thin wall, like glass. Sanada would casually put his hand on other friends’ shoulders or playfully nudge their heads, but he never touched him. Even when they stood next to each other, there was always about ten centimeters of space between them. Whenever he tried to close the gap, Sanada would quietly move away just as much.

He knew he would never become close friends with Sanada. Yet, Sanada was still near him. The day he accidentally saw Sanada’s bare body, he ended up having an erotic dream. He knew there was nothing wrong with having erotic dreams, but it still made him feel awkward. This was something he definitely didn’t want Sanada, or anyone else, to know about.

Sanada always lingered in the back of his mind. Seeing him smile made him happy. He would find himself staring when Sanada talked, noticing how the right corner of his mouth tended to lift slightly.

His steps came to a halt. The shortcut to the convenience store was blocked off due to construction. With no other choice, he took the longer route that followed the river. The road ran along the embankment, where no cars could enter, and it was often used by people walking their dogs or jogging.

The distant bridge looked as small as the palm of his hand. Once he reached it, he would turn right. A little downhill from there was his destination, the convenience store. He thought he could just quickly wash the soiled underwear and toss it into the laundry box, but if there were two pairs of underwear to wash in a day, it would be obvious that he had a wet dream. His mother wouldn’t say anything, but even so, he didn’t want her to know. It was too embarrassing.

If he threw it in the trash can in his room, there was always the chance it could be found. Even if he put it in a plastic bag, his mother, who was strict about separating the trash, might open it if she couldn’t tell what was inside. The thought of her discovering his dirty underwear made him too anxious to relax. That’s why he went outside to throw it away.

There had been times when he tried to throw it away at the convenience store on his way to school, but he’d run into a friend along the way. In the end, he couldn’t stop by the store, and the dirty underwear stayed in the bottom of his school bag all day. Even though he knew no one else would open his bag, the fear of it being found gnawed at him, making his stomach churn. From that experience, he learned that it was safest to throw away the dirty underwear quickly while walking the dog, Cherry, before heading to school.

He often passed joggers on his walk. Sometimes, he'd indulge in ridiculous fantasies—like imagining that one of them might be a serial killer. What if, right here, right now, he was stabbed to death? Would the dirty underwear in his pocket become his last keepsake?

A bicycle approached from the opposite direction. He recognized the color of the jersey. It was a student from the same junior high, probably on their way to morning practice. As he watched, his heart started pounding. There was something familiar about them. No, it wasn't just familiar—it was him.

The boy on the bike seemed to notice him too, slowing down a bit. The leash pulled slightly as Cherry stopped, and the dog looked back at him as if asking, "What's wrong?"

The bike came to a stop about three meters in front of him. Sanada was staring at him but said nothing. Once you've noticed someone, you can’t unsee them.

"…Good morning."

He spoke first, never expecting to run into Sanada at this time, in this place. Unlike at school, here it was just the two of them. Just the two of them.

"Yeah," Sanada replied softly. His ankles, visible beneath his short tracksuit pants, looked cold.

"Where were you going on your bike?"

"On my way back from delivering newspapers."

Sanada’s breath was visible in the chilly air. Now that he mentioned it, he remembered hearing that Sanada had gotten permission from his father to start delivering newspapers as soon as he entered 8^th grade. When he had praised him for it at the time, saying, "That's really admirable," Sanada had suddenly gone silent. His mood had darkened even though he'd meant to compliment him, and he didn’t know how to handle it. Sanada was still as difficult as ever.

"Aren't you sleepy, waking up so early?"

He asked something trivial, just to keep the conversation going. Sanada rubbed his eyes and replied, "I am."

"But I need to work."

"Is there something you want to buy?"

Back in elementary school, there was a kid who helped out around the house so he could save up for a game. Sanada glanced at him briefly.

"I want to go to high school."

That silenced him. He had always assumed that high school was something everyone naturally attended. He knew Sanada lived in an old apartment, but the fact that he had to earn money just to go to high school was beyond his imagination. Sanada had good grades too—what a sad, unfair situation. If that was the case, maybe he could help…

"I don't want to rely on anyone. Not my father, not anyone. I want to go to high school on my own terms."

He couldn't read people’s hearts, but it felt like Sanada had just read his. A shiver ran down his spine. The leash tugged again as Cherry moved closer to Sanada’s bike, sniffing the tracksuit pants curiously.

Sanada got off his bike and crouched down, petting the dog’s head. Cherry, always friendly, seemed delighted by the attention and started licking Sanada’s cheek.

"This dog… I saw her when she was a puppy at your place, right? I can't believe she’s grown this big in just two years."

Sanada was smiling—actually smiling. He looked so happy. He could only stand there, watching vaguely, thinking how nice it would be to be Cherry. If getting petted and smiled at like that was the reward, he wanted to become a dog too.

After petting Cherry for a while, Sanada stood up and said, "Thanks for letting me pet your dog," before hopping back on his bike and speeding away, like a gust of wind.

Inside his pocket, the plastic bag rustled. The shameful, embarrassing underwear he’d wet in his sleep was still inside, packed in that plastic bag. It was disgusting, and he felt pathetic. His head filled with a jumble of emotions—his feelings for Sanada, the joy of seeing him smile, and the crushing humiliation of his situation. Tears began to fall.

The tears rolled down his face, and noticing them, Cherry came closer, letting out a soft whimper.

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